Something Brilliant is Brewing

Several small steps for Leslie

2012-01-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

Hi guys! I want to tell you bright and early that I got through yesterday in abstinent fashion...3 meals and a metabolic snack after my meditation group. After my SOS post, I hit the streets and hoofed about 2 brisk miles. Not that far, but 25 minutes of movement and fresh air took the desire to eat away. I waited until dinner and was actually empty-stomach hungry when I brought the first mouthful of tom kha soup to my mouth. What an unusual occurrence - to feel real hunger when I eat. And rarer still, doing something to begin to groove a new rut into my neurotransmitter mediated brain. It will take a lot longer than one successful day, but I can't do it without one successful day.

I've followed my 3 meals and a metabolic since Monday - yesterday was the first day the food thoughts stampeded into my consciousness. It's easy to get a clean day when the obsession DOESN'T hit; it's a different story when it does. Thanks for all the encouragement and support. Youse guys are awesome!!! (A little touch'o'philly for yer day:))

I haven't totally established my food plan, but for meal composition I'm using guidelines from back when I did the crazy rigid program as a starting point. I'm giving myself much more leeway, such as being "allowed" to have brown rice, beans, a sweet potato (though I haven't yet) amongst other things. I'll fine tune it over time, but for now, just staying within the confines of the meals and metabolic each day is challenge enough. I'm finally getting that this is a process and a journey - not a one and done. HAH... If only it was one and done!

One thing I've changed up this week - finally - is that I'm eating my breakfast by 7 a.m. I'm an early riser and it's no problem for me to do this. But over the last several months, I'd started waiting until I was at work, not starting to eat until 9 or later. Then the mealtimes got mushy, not to mention the grazing and bingeing and so on. So if I'm going to get serious about weight loss, I need to establish a fairly regular (though not rigid) schedule of mealtimes - so I'm actually hungry in the morning and not still sort of stuffed and icky from bingeing the night before.

I plan to write more about the broad composition of my meals (protein, veggies....) tomorrow. For now, thanks again! My job is calling....

SOS

2012-01-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

I'm posting right now because I don't want to eat.

I'm home from work and the food thoughts started looming out in the periphery of my consciousness about 45 minutes ago. My next meal will be around 6; it's now 4:15; I had a nice, big, and healthy lunch. I won't perish if I wait until dinner Oh - and I'm not hungry.

I could call my AA sponsor (who's totally supporting my food thing and has been through it herself) but she's currently in the tunnel of an MRI machine being evaluated for possible new spread of her lung cancer. I think I can wait it out.

I think I'll throw on my sneaks and go for a nice brisk walk. Thanks, blog buddies! I needed that.

So, abstinent me?

2012-01-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

Following up on some of the comments about my post on abstinence from yesterday, I have to say I also was under the impression that the concept was different than it was actually adopted to be in the OA program. It was surprising to me that it really referred just to the eating only at mealtimes, and with a specific metabolic snack if deemed necessary. The notion of omitting certain foods - like sugar and all white products, or wheat, or anything at all, came in later and was never intended to be lumped into the concept of abstinence. That much more rigid definition grew out of some people finding that unless that absolute leaving out of certain foods was done, real recovery was unlikely or impossible. I say poo-poo to that.

Before I say more, I want to note that not everyone is truly a food addict or compulsive overeater. Plenty of folks really can handle moderate amounts of "forbidden fruit" (that is never just fruit!) and not get triggered into eating a whole cake. And plenty of folks can nibble and graze over the course of the day and lose weight just fine when they want to.

For myself, I think eating 3 meals a day plus a snack (obviously a healthy one, like protein and fruit) either right after work (~ 2 hours before dinner) OR the snack after dinner by 8 pm is reasonable and sane. I get that popping something into my mouth whenever the notion hits, as long as it's "healthy", can be feeding my compulsion to eat endlessly. As my AA sponsor says - the next meal is only 4-5 hours from the last one...surely I can wait until then. If it's hard to resist popping something into my mouth and I feel anxious and/or obsessed with eating something, then waiting those feelings out and exploring them is a better choice. Another meal is coming soon- relax, Leslie!

My impulse to shove something into my mouth is so automatic that I'm not even aware that my stomach isn't empty, or even hungry at all. The eating is a way of defusing inner anxious energy that could maybe tell me something about myself if given the chance. When I chew and swallow it down, I miss the opportunity to know why I'm wanting to eat when I'm well nourished and not hungry.

I totally agree with a couple of folks who said that the absolutely rigidity of OA and related 12 step food programs is really over the top. I've mentioned many times about how I just can't find a safe place in OA, no matter how hard I've tried. Shelley mentioned how it's strange that the abstinence seems to be dealt out according to what food plan your sponsor gives you, based on what "worked" for them. Unless someone is a nutritionist or an health professional trained in dietetics, they really aren't qualified to tell people what they must and must not eat. Suggestions and advice are one thing - unqualified prescribing of diets is another.

I am striving to devise my own plan that will include 3 meals a day plus an after dinner "snack" (metabolic meal). I know that sugar is a problem for me, so leaving that out will be important. But for today, (and the last few days) - I'm working on the 3 meals and the metabolic meal after dinner, which has become my perk of the day! Who'da'thunk a cup of Kashi GoLean and a 1/4 cup skim milk could make me so happy?

Also - again I want to note that there are many really wonderful people who work a 12 step food program, and seem to get that abstinence is not a food plan. They understand that the content of our food plans must be established by each individual, with or without guidance from another, and modified as needed over time. There are no absolutes, no never agains regarding certain foods, and perfection is impossible. We strive to do the best we can each day, and if there is/are other/s along our path who can help, much the better. This blog community is certainly one of my biggest inspirations, motivations, and supports.

Abstinence finally

2012-01-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

Hi guys - Thanks for the positive comments on my gray locks, which are really too short to be locks. I have to say that had I known my natural color would be so not awful (translate: decent) I'd have done this long ago. I swear I'm even having men tell me they think it looks great! (I'm around more than the average amount of men very often with my frequent AA mtg attendance... :)) Yowza!

I need to write about the whole abstinence thing I've been alluding to for awhile. And more than needing to write about it, I need to adopt it, at least for the present time...like today, which I'm in the process of. Keep fingers, arms and toes crossed.

I had ordered a used copy of the OA book where members of that fellowship share their experience, strength and hope about abstinence as a tool for reining in compulsive overeating. I've had it lying around for over a year, and about a month ago actually picked it up and started reading a few of the entries. The first one I read jumped out at me and has been the point of departure for me as I ponder and hopefully institute this for myself.

Before I go any further, I have to say that I am not attending OA meetings. I've tried them countless times over the years; sometimes I've attended as long as 6 months consecutively, so it's not like I've only dropped in once or twice. Bottom line for me is that I find it a generally unattractive fellowship compared to AA. I won't say more than that, because I don't want to offend anyone. It's a great program, with great principles and suggestions for beating the binge beast. I just haven't found what feels like a real home there, the way I have in AA.

I want to keep this as concise as possible as I've read how shorter posts are easier for readers to digest (endless food metaphors, yes?). The first entry in the book was written by the founder of OA, Rozanne S., and explains how the concept of abstinence in OA emerged. OA began in earnest in 1960 with the shared conviction of attendees to lose weight and stop overeating, but with many different ideas about how to achieve their common goals. Having observed how the 12 steps of AA had helped suffering alcoholics in such a profound way, the founders knew they could benefit from those principles. Yet each member had her/his own methods or ideas of how to lose weight, which back then was almost entirely about counting calories.

Rozanne wrote, "We'd been taught that as long as we kept within our calorie count, we could eat all the barely caloric foods we wanted between meals. Our problem was that while many of us had lost weight, even more were nibbling their way back to obesity. Others were sticking with their diets but crunching all day on the low cal foods. Many just stayed fat, insisting they were only eating allowable foods between meals. Something crucial was missing. What was it? The 12 steps worked for our AA friends; what were we doing wrong?"

She went on to say that she attended frequent AA meetings, not because she was alcoholic, but because she believed she could learn best about the 12 steps and traditions by being in the fellowship where they began. At one particular meeting in early 1962, she heard several folks share about "abstinence" from alcohol. She'd attended for 2 years and had never heard that term (and neither have I in my 20+ years), but it became a revelation for her. She realized that most OA folks were not abstaining from food at any time during the day. She noted that it would be beneficial to stop eating after a meal, and then not eat again until the next meal. "Sometime during the day, we had to 'abstain' from eating; otherwise we're feeding our compulsion.

She went on to describe the earliest days of trying to bring this up at meetings and finding a lot of opposition to it, along with others who "got it" and supported the notion. Within months, she sent out information to all the OA groups in existence at that time (19 of them) sharing the concept of abstinence as it could apply to food and eating - noting that in her home group, the members were finding the concept very helpful.

She wrote, "Abstinence means simply 3 moderate meals a day with absolutely nothing in between. It means also no 'meals' while we're preparing a meal and no 'meals' while we're cleaning up the kitchen afterward. In other words, total abstinence from compulsive eating!" She went on to note that if their are medically necessary reasons for a different configuration of eating, then of course one could plan accordingly, and any thing outside that plan would be breaking abstinence. Also, "black coffee, tea and noncaloric beverages of any kind are the exception to between-meal nibbling."

So that's how the concept of abstinence came into the 12 step fellowship of OA. It's not a requirement - no 12 step program has any musts; their ideas and recommendations are but suggestions. But as it says in the Big Book of AA, the suggestion of not drinking one drop of alcohol a day at a time as a means of getting sober is a suggestion in the same way that it's suggested that a skydiver pull the ripcord after jumping from a plane!

Seems many folks think abstinence includes the content of a food plan, like 'no sugar or white flour', low fat, low carb...but abstinence actually just refers to eating at meals and not at all in between. The contents of one's diet is a different thing all together.

That's enough for now. I'm going to continue talking about this and how I'm applying it to my own eating. The key thing is that the content of our food intake can change over time according to our needs - but abstinence means not eating at anytime other than mealtime. Interesting - a whole lot broader than someone telling you that if you eat 2 fruits at a meal instead of one, you've "lost your clean time"! Crazy, but it happened to me. At that didn't make me want to go back to the OA fellowship.

Gray is the color of my true love's hair

2012-01-18T10:04:00.000-08:00

Okay - here are my newest gray hair shots. I have major issues with my looks (thanks, MOM) that have nothing to do with weight, so this is difficult. But in the spirit of full disclosure - here you go. The last cut that I was sure would snip away the last vestiges of dyed hair actually still left just the faintest wisps at the end of my bangs. I think you can see that in the pics. (BTW- my first post about the decision to go gray is here.)

Full frontal - YIKES!

Left side:

Please disregard what appears (?!) to be a double chin. The camera put it there :)

This was taken the day I wrote the post last week about an upcoming haircut. More dyed wisps evident.

And this is the book from which I've been reading and formulating my thoughts on and a plan for my own abstinence. It WILL be done tomorrow.

Now I'll have to compose myself for showing my face on national tv!

Unexpected company

2012-01-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

My 3 day weekend with it's open-ended unstructured wonderfulness was somewhat derailed by weekend guests. We knew my younger son's girlfriend was coming from Atlanta for their last rendezvous for awhile since today is starting a volunteer requirement for her upcoming Peace Corps assignment along with a job as a nanny. She'll be busy, and my son is currently looking for opportunities to teach ESL somewhere in SW Asia since he just finished his online certification. So they aren't sure when they'll next get to gaze into one anothers' eyes...ahhh, young love. :)

Anyway, that visit was expected, but I also had a surprise visit from a friend from nursing school (over 30 years ago...yikes!). Then our older son's birthday (the big 2-5!) was on Sunday, and his girlfriend came to help celebrate. It was all lovely and fun, but not conducive to me staying on my food plan...and before I go any further, let me acknowledge that none of this required me not stay on my food plan. I assume full responsibility for deciding to eat it all - the cake, the dinners an breakfasts out - and not consider trying to be at least moderate with my indulgences. No bingeing, but lots of food I would not eat were I staying on plan. Why would staying on plan and abstaining from the trigger foods of sugar, white flour and highly processed snacks seem like it would somehow detract from my enjoyment of the people and the activities. Intellectually I know that eating on plan wouldn't take one thing away from that...but choosing to eat off plan seemed easier. Oh crap - and I wanted to eat that stuff. Damn it.

Anyway - back on track today and it feels good. I haven't yet written out my thoughts about abstinence I've been talking about - hopefully in the next day or so I'll do it. Also, I forgot my cable to post my gray hair pics, so more to remember and follow up on. I just wanted to touch base here since I haven't been on line at all since last Thursday, other than to check email. I'm feel ready to sit through cravings and food thoughts today, though it's easy to say that when the food thoughts aren't beaconing.

Hair affair

2012-01-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hi Blog friends - I din't get to my abstinence post yesterday, and at this point I won't get to it today either. It's 2 p.m., and I still have several work related tasks before I leave early today to get my hair cut. But I wanted post something to update you on the scintillating and hopefully not endless saga of my weight loss. More on that in a sec...

This could be a red letter day for me at the salon, as it will hopefully be the day where the last gasps of dyed hair get cut away from my now mostly white coif! Recall that in late August (as detailed, with pics, in this post) I decided to stop dying of my hair after about 23 years. It's funny, because when I started coloring my hair, I had but the faintest and fewest wisps of gray appearing around my temples. Knowing me, this discovery was cause for a major freak out and prompt trip to the local colorist. In the beginning, I was able to go every 7 or 8 weeks between dye jobs, as my hair was longer and somehow didn't show the early few offending filaments much.

Over the years, the frequency of coloring increased until I really needed to go every 3 weeks, and even then I looked disturbingly unkempt for a few days prior. But I finally got sick of sitting in the salon, paying the money, putting allegedly non-toxic but suspiciously awful smelling chemicals on my head. My brain is in my head, for Pete's sake, and I didn't want to hasten the destruction of its cells.

So that was 4+ months ago, and I have a pretty short do. I figured by Thanksgiving I would be my new old gray-haired self. I've had about 7 cuts in this time frame, and have been shocked each time when there was still considerable colored hair remaining. It actually started to look good - like natural frosting or something. Many people said, "You should keep it like that!", however that woul have defeated the purpose of letting it go its natural course. For once in my life, I'm lucky in the looks department, because as I said above, my hair is turning out to be a pretty good color of whitish silver. Who knew? I figured I'd have mousey gray, but the color is great, andd the texture is a little coarser so it lies differently and appears thicker.

I took a few self photos just now, and my plan is to post before and after shots tomorrow after the cut. I'm ready to be done with the growing-out process, and fully embrace my white-haired, wise woman of a certain age self! Details to follow. I know this is an unbearable cliffhanger - hahaha - like, who cares? But it's a big deal for me right now, especially since it took me years to finally make the decision to go au naturel.

On the food front, I had a clean day Monday, and a 93% clean day yesterday, with the exception of 4 cookies and a sugar free/fat free pudding. Today is so far on plan, and will stay that way. I have meditation tonight, and that is a great way to divert my thoughts from after dinner snacking. My thoughts on true abstinence as defined by OA are solidifying so I will write about that tomorrow alongside my hair photos. :)

Half and half

2012-01-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

I had a 1/2 good and 1/2 bad weekend. Actually, the weekend was its usual lovely, work-free, see friends, chillaxin', get all the Christmas crap put away and other assorted tasks done where I managed to sneak in watching the last 5 episodes of the first season of Dexter (omg, that show is so good and so creepy!). Where it was 1/2 an 1/2 is in the journey to fitness an leanness arena. Don't be shocked... :(

On both days I got in 3+ mile very brisk walks (the weather was akin to spring), as well as some weights and an exercise dvd. On both days, I did not stay sugar free, and I ended up overeating. I also discovered pita chips, which I've instructed my brain to forget entirely, because my encounter with them was of the overdoing kind. I'd really not sampled them before, as they seemed wasted calories in that if I was going to eat that kind of highly refined snack item, I figured I might as well go for the simple (and highly coverted) potato chips rather than this "lite weight" snack wannabe.

But in the interest of making better choices, I thought I'd give the "baked not fried" chips a try. Big mistake, as in they were so good I ended up eating the entire bag over course of several hours. One napkin full at a time. Siiigh. That was Saturday. Sunday was a much better day, and though I did eat 4 Keebler cocunut chocolate cookies, I didn't get triggered the way I did the day before.

This all too familiar behavior puts me in mind of what I mentioned last week having read in some OA literature about how the idea of "abstinence" came to be a tool in their program. I'm going to talk about it tomorrow a little, but I'm having a busy enough day at work that I'm going to make this post brief.

I feel embarrassed again about falling off the wagon after a quick 2 day ride on it - but all is certainly not lost. I have my plan for today and I intend to follow it. I know what I'm eating for lunch (soon!) and dinner, so there won't be any fuzzy-brained decisions to make when it's time for meals. I didn't want to out myself here, but I'm committed to doing just that each time. I want to make 2012 a banner year for myself in this long journey to where I want to be. See ya tomorrow!

Thank you so much!!

2012-01-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

*I have a bad "d" on my keyboard at work suddenly, so if you read stuff that sounds odd, think "missing d". I proofed it carefully but still probably missed a couple of d-errors!*

Hi all - I'm so appreciative for all your suggestions and support...much excellent food for thought. It occurs to me to remark on some of the comments in order to process them more fully and also to report on what I'm already trying to do.

First, though, I pledge honesty. Not cash register honesty - but the kind where I stop BS-ing about where I am with my struggles by casually withholding the real story. Dear Deb said in her comment that she was concerned about my not blogging while claiming to be holding my own and reading others' blogs if not writing in my own. She was right - if I'm not blogging regularly, it's because I have nothing good to report. My claims of "not feeling it" regarding posting on my own blog are classic BS of the Leslie variety. It's been a lifelong issue of trying to hide the truth under something benign and even pleasant. Don't buy it.

That said, the only person who can change that is me. I've worked a solid 12 step program for 20 years, and yet I still struggle with my truth when it ain't pretty. I want to look and sound better than I really feel. That is a pretty worthless endeavor as it affords me nothing and feels like crap when I really want to be "known" and "heard" - which I always want. I'm definitely a work-in-progress - and sometimes the progress is slooooow - thing glacial.

I could totally identify with E.Jane saying that sometimes it seems it would be easier if we didn't have to eat at all! Absolutely - it feels like I have to climb into the arena against my biggest foe at least 3x/day! Eat to live? Not me - every close encounter with food is a potential landmine, depending on my spiritual condition. When I'm in a good place - I'm fine. When I'm not - look out. BUT...I don't always recognize when I'm not until I've consumed a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in a couple hours (and they're not even that good:( )! One of the things I'm working on and really striving to do is slow down and notice even the slightest vapors of food thoughts/binge thoughts when they happen, so I can at least put a pause between the impulse of the thought and the action of the binge.

Shelley's comment was dead on for this addict - reminding me of how I was able to recognize how alcohol affected my body differently many years ago and have abstained from it since. 100%, btw. Why not the same with food? Absolutely - I know full on that I can't eat sugar safely. CANNOT. Yet I keep trying my best to pretend I can - that I can somehow change my basic body chemistry by wishing it to be so.

It occurs to me in writing about this that I hear people talk at AA mtgs often about how they still wish they coul drink, an miss it - even after many years sober. Not me - I've finally gotten to a place where I don't miss it at all. I love being a non-drinking woman and know that I could never drink normally, so I don't bother to fantasize about it. But food is my primary addiction - wooing me from my earliest days (think 3-4 years old). I may not ever stop rueing my body's reaction to sugar an refined carbs, and wishing it was different. But I do know from listening to folks with long term sobriety who still romance the booze that just because I miss it doesn't mean I have to try it again. Easier said than done, but doable.

I also appreciated Karen's suggestions about getting hormones and other biochemistries checked out. I have an appt. with my Gyn. in February, who is very progressive and up to date about hormonal concerns, so I will definitely bring it up with her. She's been gently "suggesting" I drop some pounds for a couple years. Great advice.

Miss April mentioned setting a strict plan for 10 days to sort of reset my body's balance, and I am doing that by following the pretty rigid SB phase 1/Atkins Induction. These extremely low carb plans, while unsustainable over the long haul, are the best way I've found to detox and get myself back on plan. Also she talked of writing out things I CAN eat, rather than the ever popular list of forbidden fruits (no pun intened, r. Atkins), and that's a great idea to keep focused on abundance rather than deprivation.

I'm keeping trigger foods out of the house. Currently my husband and two 20-something boys are at home who know they can buy for themselves whatever junk they want, but I won't be buying it. Fortunately they like much spicier things than I, so their choices generally don't tempt me.

I had a successful day 1 yesterday and feel great about that. I'm reading OA literature for help and suggestions, and just read an interesting piece by the founder of OA talking about how their tool of abstinence came into being. Maybe I'll talk about it here another day.

Oh - and also, it thrills me to pieces that you all comment. When I see that bloggers I consider legendary have read my posts, I'm tickled pink, and so grateful.

Thanks again for the bloggy love, support and suggestions. I cannot do this alone, and I can't do it if I'm not honest about what's going on.

The girl who plays with fire

2012-01-05T05:50:00.000-08:00

Belate happy new year, all. Belated because my efforts at reining myself back in after holiday overdoing (euphemism for bingeing) have been fraught with self sabotage and struggle. Seems my body has become accustomed to eating whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, and has been in major crave and withdrawal mode. I had one good day on the 2nd, only to fall back down the rabbit hole since. It's (I'm) nuts. I can't claim denial because I'm very aware, and the awareness is not doing much for my self esteem. I'm seeing behaviors and tendencies in myself that are very reminiscent of how I was when I was drinking - not the big things, but subtler things like how I'll go upstairs early after dinner with assorted garbage foods so the family isn't aware. Not good.

Today is it. I'm sick of harming myself, and that's really what I've been doing. Someone with Type 2 diabetes who continues to eat the way I have for the last 2 weeks is playing with fire. HA! I'm the woman who played with fire - not to be confused with The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo whose playing with fire is revealed in the second entry of the trilogy.

As I've said before, this feels bigger than me, and it's a little scary. Watching myself and realizing how my food addiction has progressed from even a year ago tells me all I need to know. What I really hate is how I've said these things countless times before, and yet here I am in 2012 still struggling. There is a solution, and I'm well aware of it. For me, I can't having even one grain of sugar or white flour, because even that small amount can trigger me - mentally if not biochemically. On January 3rd, after my first day of the rest of my life where I did have a clean day, I had oatmeal and put 1 tsp. of Splenda brown sugar mix in it - and within hours I was off to the races. The Splenda Brown has a small amount of real sugar, as opposed to plain Splenda. The sweetness and maple-y taste it gave the oatmeal started me wanting more sweet taste immediately, but I was able to hold off until after work, while obsessing about my craving all day.

So - it's back to low carbing that begins with a mix of South Beach and Atkins' early phases. From years of experience I know that keeping carbs on the lower side works best for me. I avoided oatmeal this morning because I was already thinking about that stupid tiny tsp. of Splenda Brown. Until trying that, I never put anything in my oatmeal but salt - EVER. Man - addiction is a wicked condition/disease, and I have a major case of it.

Please send positive vibes, prayers, or whatever my way - I absolutely can't do this alone. I also need to say that this is not a New Year Resolution - it's the beginning of a health crisis for me that I need to address, or I'm going to end up giving myself insulin one of these days. I believe that doesn't have to happen, but only if I'm willing to go to any lengths to get better. I think, I hope, I'm there.

Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda

2011-12-19T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hi friends - Once again I'm starting out with...apologies? laments? excuses?...for not having posted in so long. I offer none of that today - rather I will say that I'm not feeling my own blog right now because I'm not making any real progress on my weight loss goals. I'm maintaining at 208, which isn't where I want to be, but I am lacking the motivation at this less-than-a-week-before-Christmas to get back to carb or calorie counting, journaling, tracking or any of the other good habits I know I must incorporate daily to get back to losing. The one thing I continue to do with no problem is exercise...that's a good thing!

As Stuart Smalley sagely noted in the movie Stuart Saves His Family (which is a hilarious Al Franken movie about a character, originally seen on SNL, who is in 3 different 12 step programs and pokes fun at the whole recovery movement), I'm "shoulding" all over myself these days. But what I'm shoulding on myself about isn't those aforementioned good practices necessary for consistent weight loss. Rather I'm "shoulding" that I "should" feel motivated even though it's the holiday season; that I "should" avoid holiday snacks, treats, and the general feedbag I tie on around this time; that I "should" make a command decision to avoid all the succulent baked goods I whip up every year, for "giving away" as well as for my family (read: mostly me). But my "shoulding" of myself feels obligatory because I'm not really all that twisted up over my weight loss ennui.

As I just reread that paragraph, it sounds as though I'm in a place of despair about where I am right now. Actually, I'm not, and even that is fodder for self "shoulding". I "should" be upset with myself right now because I'm just not going to be strict and restrictive with myself at this point. But I'm simply not upset with myself. I have 2 of my 3 kids home now with the 3rd scheduled to arrive late afternoon on Wednesday. The kids are good; hubby and I are good; my job is bothering me less than usual; I love my friends and feel loved by them. I don't love my weight, but it's been a lot worse. I'm not eating with reckless abandon, because trust me that if I was - I'd not be weighing a lithe 208! I'm feeling content in the present moment. A glance into the near future assures me that I DO desire to resume my tried and true weight loss behaviors - but not 6 days before Christmas.

This sounds like a long apologetic masquerading as an excuse to put off resuming REAL weight loss effort until January 2, and maybe it is. But it's the truth right now, and I guess that's why I'm not blogging much - no fantastic success to report. Or even average success. I miss blogging more regularly, though I'm reading the same blogs I have been for several years, plus a few new ones. I know I'm not alone where I am now, but I also see that when I read blogs where people are floundering and feel a touch of sadness for or judgement of them - I'm experiencing those same emotions for myself.

So - things are good except my weight. I plan to hit the ground running January 2, or maybe even first, and I hope to not put on any more pounds prior that have to be lost before I can hopefully begin my final trip down below the 2nd century in Onederland. And when the spirit moves me to just say no to a tray of cookies being passed under my nose - believe me I will say that no and be grateful. But eventually, if I really want what I profess to want - to lose 50 pounds - things will have to change substantially. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the family, my friends and the season, and keep reading here even if I'm not posting regularly. It feels like I have a revamping building inside me - but at a glacial pace.

In case I don't post again before the 25th, I wish everyone a Merry, or a Happy, or a Blessed whatever it is for which you feel gratitude and find peace in these last days of 2011. We really should endeavor to count blessings and take note of all for which there is to be grateful. Healthy shoulding at its best!

Low carb = Low crabbiness

2011-12-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

Best day of the week...FRIDAY

Best time of the best day...as I'm walking through the parking lot to my car to drive away from the grind. Only about 2 hours away from the collision of these bests and I'm ready. My job has gotten busier and busier, and I'm actually called to be a REAL NURSE more often than I used to be! I guess that is equivalent to job security, so I'm not complaining - but weekends are simply divine. So are week and a half breaks for holidays, which will be coming up soon, and helps remind me I'm not as real of a nurse as I used to be when I worked many holidays in hospitals. I feel immensely fortunate to have a M-F work week, and the cushy hours of 8:30-3:30.

Work isn't the only reason I've been out of pocket - actually I've been in pocket, but out of my blogging routine, as has been the case for quite awhile. I'm not feeling the blog as much these days, but I am feeling - and reading - my favorite blogs, and commenting frequently. I've been in a knitting frenzy - making socks for Christmas gifts, and a reading frenzy as well. Where I used to blog as my main method for goofing off at work, I'm now doing either of the above, or playing Words With Friends with friends. And my 2 daily crossword puzzles are as essential to my well being as my morning coffee.

Anyway - I'm doing well with low-carbing. I've been taking a day off about every 6th day, but my overall yield is apparently okay as I'm down to 204. Or it was, before I decided to take a day off yesterday and went rather overboard. Hmmm, can you spell d-e-e-p-e-n-d-e-d it? Today I'm back on trying to stay at 25 carbs for the day to set the ketosis back into play.

Low carb eating really suits me - everytime I really do it for awhile, I see that it is the best plan for me. For one thing, I don't have to count calories, and unless I'm being ultra strict, like today, I don't even count carbs. I know what I can and can't eat to keep my body in the fat-burning mode afforded by low carb eating. Think liberal Atkins Induction or Phase 1 South Beach - I have monster salads with blue cheese, avocado, bacon bits, olives and the olive oil for dsg with a little of the green olive juice instead of vinegar (though I like vinegar but this is a bit more...er, salty), and by not eating junky carbs I don't retain water at all. It's going well for now. I make no promises of not indulging in some forbidden fruit (no pun intended as it won't be fruit!) at Christmas, but I truly don't feel deprived, or even hungry that often, on this plan. Why oh why do I stray? Oh yeah, I'm an addict.

I actually rejoined my cadillac gym, dubbed as such by me due to the ridiculous monthly fee, on a month to month basis rather than an annual contract. It's actually more expensive that way, but if I start NOT using it, I don't have to wait until the contract expires. I plan to use it through the winter, esp. when there is snow and/or ice on the ground, because this gal will not be taking chances walking on icy patches after a serious fall last year where I sustained a nasty head injury. Thankfully it was mainly a huge hematoma (about the size of 1/2 an orange on the back of my head where I hit), but it scared the sh*t out of me. So indoor walking and jogging for me this year.

I'm thrilled to pieces that all 3 of my kids will be home for the holidays. We haven't been together for 2 years (besides briefly at a weekend wedding in Kentucky last June, but Jean was in the wedding so we really didn't get to just hang out in our little nuclear nest), so it should be great. It'll also be busy and chaotic, as all 3 will likely have boy/girl friends coming for short stints, as well as just friends. This weekend I'm going to get the decorations going. I'm holding off on baking for obvious reasons - for at least another week. It's hard to resist the plethora of homebaked stuff. Especially cookies. I'm a cookie freak - always have been. Would take quality cookies over cake or pie anytime.

That's it for now. I wanted to post, but there is a mondo salad staring at me, screaming to be eaten. So off I go. Have a great weekend.

Takes more than HOPE to help this Food obsessed girl!

2011-11-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

Last week I wrote about the return of hope into my mental and emotional landscape that abstaining from bingeing was affording me. It's still helping me keep a lid on my still frequent (though sometimes they feel constant) food obsessive thoughts. And this morning I'm realizing something else that is helping me - reading blogs of others whose weight loss journeys are not a linear process from weighing too much to weighing "just right". For whatever reason (misery loves company?), it really helps to see that even people who have had a lot off success in the weight loss arena still struggle, often mightily.

It also helps to read others' comments to frustrated bloggers lamenting about following their plan 98% of the time and having marginal weigh ins, close feeling snug - whatever. This morning I just read Helen's post, which was great and REAL as always - and then read the comments people had already posted. There I found a golden nugget to help me keep on keepin' on...Shelley had pointed out that even on The Biggest Loser, week 2 weigh ins were usually crappy. Not being a TBL watcher, I didn't know that, though my 50+ years of dieting has certainly sent me some major clues of that fact. Anyway, I'm grateful for whatever can lighten my mind and reinject me with determination for just the day - TODAY - to stay the course.

My weigh in today was 206. Down a pound. (Actually .8 of a pound as last week's was 206.8 which I rounded up for reporting because I knew when I inhaled the .2 would would probably attach itself back to my waist.) Anyway - I was not impressed, expecting something more substantial. Why I don't know because I was anything but perfect in my low-carb eating for the week. I continue to do better, but feel myself slipping up and thinking about just taking Thanksgiving week off. WHA?????????????????Am I freaking kidding myself???

And therein lies another benefit I got from reading blogs and comments...maybe I can take TG day off instead of the whole week? What a concept! I can honestly say my mind was all over the map this morning, contemplating whether I was just going to surrender to the dark side today. Reading those comments and Helen's post really helped turn it around for me. For today. Tomorrow isn't here so I can leave thoughts of that for when it becomes today. In the meantime I'm grateful for whatever and whoever helps me stay sane in the only place I can - today.

It's the HOPE that's helping

2011-11-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

Last week at my work was utterly crazy and as busy as it's been in my 7 1/2 years here - thus minimal posting. By the end of the week as I was driving to my early morning meeting before work, I gazed into the sky and got a clue as to why things were so bonkers with my clients (they'll always be patients to this nurse!)...there was a full moon in our neck of the woods! I swear that darn astral orb really does exert forces and influences that we aren't aware of.

But I digress...I'm mainly checking in on how I've been doing since restarting, or continuing , my neverending journey to health, fitness and wholeness. Recall when last we met (last Tuesday), I'd strayed off my very low carb combo of South Beach Phase 1/Atkins Induction, and managed to actually gain 1.6 pounds for the Monday weigh in. Since that post, I've been mostly on plan, with a few deviations over the weekend, like splitting an order of world class onion rings with hubby at dinner Saturday night, and another bowl of ice crean that somehow found it's way into my belly. But truly, honestly, I was much more on plan daily, and had zero incidences of bingeing.

The zero bingeing is a biggie for me, because as I've shared with a blog friend who has been so kind and gracious to offer additional support via email (like a therapist!), I haven't abstained from bingeing because I've got this thing licked. Every afternoon and especially after dinner, my obsessive and addictive brain starts sending me messages to eat one of my favorite "whatevers"...and each afternoon and evening I find myself back in the boxing ring with the obsessive food thoughts. It's really exhausting mentally and emotionally, and I see (when I'm not instantly acting on the desire to eat) that often I cave because it shuts up the obsessive thoughts. But caving to the one thought by eating the one "whatever" ALWAYS, repeat ALWAYS (that means every single time) leads me to the next whatever. Repeat ad nauseum.

I've said it before - I don't have to refrain from eating a sleeve of cookies; I only have to refrain from the first bite of the first one, and the binge doesn't get started. How many times do I have to prove this?...well, I'm not going to self flagellate as that doesn't serve me well at all. But what has helped this week as the thoughts have hammered at my consciousness - mocking me, wooing me, luring me, tempting me? It's been the sense of hope that I found back a few weeks ago when I emerged from a long period of out of control eating and confessed it all here. At that point I was 215.8 and had been feeling hopeless about ever getting back the desire to stay in this arena. Seriously. Within several days of clean, on-plan eating, the biggest thing I felt was the return of hope and the loss of the daily remorse and misery of putting on something that was getting more snug by the week.

Hope. I didn't realize how much I didn't have it until it resurfaced. And it felt glorious and still does. I'm grateful that God is giving me a glimpse of that contrast between hopelessness and hopefulness, because when the thought of going stark raving binge crazy comes up, I know I don't want to go back to the absence of hope. Yet I didn't even reconize its absence before during those rough months.

So - while I haven't been perfect, I've been doing so much better and not getting hung up on sharing onion rings and deciding I have to come home and "finish the job" by eating all that isn't nailed down. Because once I do that one time, the hope begins to dwindle as predictably as sand flowing down through an hour glass.

My weigh in this morning was 207 - down 3 pounds from last Monday. I'll take it. I was delighted, surprised and disbelieving when I saw the number...as I told my blog therapist friend, I actually got off and back on the scale 3 times before believing it. I was praying I hadn't gained, and yet knew I'd doing pretty well and exercising a lot.

That's where I find myself this morning, and it's a hell of a lot better than where I was a month ago. Thanks, universe!

The worst laid plan

2011-11-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

We have an in-service day today because my workplace happens to be a polling place on this election day. So not much time for me to craft a prosaic piece of literature for my post today. Mainly I just wanted to update my progress.

I made the dubious decision to come off very low carb eating over the weekend because I was craving an apple. Hahaha - as I told a blog friend via email...of all the things I DID eat over the weekend, not one molecule of apple passed through my lips. I didn't go totally bonkers, but I ended up having ice cream twice, 2 slices of pizza, and several other decidedly OFF PLAN items. So after my weight last Wednesday being 208.4, it was 210 Monday morning. But not to worry...I'm back on plan and have already shed the extra poundage which was most likely water weight. Seems I'm not ready for a weekend break yet so I'm back to South Beach I, and no matter how intense my "apple" craving gets, I'm not coming off Phase I for 2 weeks. Hopefully. That's my intention.

Exercise is good, and I still feel the more clear headed benefits of cutting way back on sugar (was 10 days clean and then had the ice cream over the w/e, plus other carby things that surely got my blood sugar reeling).

That's it for now. I'm feeling a trillionth Day 2 in the works here, and grateful for it.

Give me patience NOW

2011-11-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

I logged Day 8 clean and still spot on with reasonable eating. I'm feeling a bit euphoric about this and am striving to remind myself to just stay in the day and not get ahead of myself. I haven't strung together 8 days in a loooong time. Eating in this very low carb manor has really put the cravings and food thoughts to bed for now, but I'm wise enough to know that they can be awakened very easily and so am figuratively tiptoeing around myself and my eating disordered tendencies.

Case in point: As I lay in bed this morning , I was aware of my stomach feeling nice and empty. Not in an uncomfortable way, but in a "surely this is a good sign" way. The expectation of another pound down was great, so I decided to get on the scale even though I'd told myself that I should only weigh once a week, or at least no sooner than 4 full days apart. On Tuesday I was 208.4. Today I was 208.4. Huh? What the.....??? Immediately I felt disappointment, frustration and fear. My mind flashed me the message, "well this is lowest I'm going to get, unless I start eating a lot less!...".

About 30 seconds after my visions of weight loss grandeur drained like sand in an hourglass and my crazy thinking went into overdrive, another voice came up and urged calm. I know I need to keep doing what I'm doing. No starving, no saying "eff it", no giving up. Just keep doing what I'm doing. Pray for patience. Pray for help. AND..........no weighing more than every 4 days. I have committed to not weigh until Monday morning, no matter what. The scale can become a mood ring for me very easily, and it's verdict on any given day can make or break my mood. This thinking is part of my eating disorder, and the only way to address it is to regiment it to once a week. Monday mornings will be good because it will help me stay mindful of my eating over the weekend. Once a week is reasonable to map progress, and see where I may need to make adjustments.

That's it for today. I'm 14+ hours into Day 9, and I'm sure I'm going to make it!

There's light in the distance

2011-11-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

I sort of left off that last post in cliffhanger fashion. My intention was not to divide this saga into chapters (boringest book ever), but this is what happens when blogging at work, and then trying to hornswaggle my own laptop away from #2 son who is currently living at home and recently experienced the sudden and total demise of his own computer.

So - when last we met I'd just had the jolt of scale trauma/drama/oh!mama! and was suffused from within with the deep knowledge that I couldn't continue in the destructive eating pattern I'd been in for months - and if truth be told...for years. I felt done. Scared. Using my knowledge of hitting bottom (and hoping for no trapdoors in that bottom), the first thing I did was literally pray to whomever/whatever is controlling my personal marionette strings and asked for help and for willingness to accept and receive whatever form that help may manifest. As I told a blog friend - I was hoping the divine source would not send me to a 12 step food program but was/am willing to try again if that's where I feel led. So far, that hasn't come up at all. (In fact, it seems just the opposite...)

I just knew that the best action plan for myself was to go cold-turkey on sugar, flour and aim for low carb eating. This has always been a good plan for me - and I've been doing a sort of merging of South Beach Phase 1 and Atkins Induction. I began last Wednesday morning, and so far I have stayed true to the plan. No sugar at all. No flour or products with flour at all. No highly processed junky stuff. Within 48 hours of this my head was clearer, my cravings were gone - caput - and I was stunned that I'd actually been able to get those 2 days. And I've been on plan since. Today is Day 8 - a full week under my belt, and my weight was 208.4 yesterday morning - a loss of 7.4 pounds. I feel better in every way, and it's remarkable how I'm not constantly thinking of food. Clearly, with my Type 2 diabetes, the whole insulin mechanism is out of whack, and I'm terribly triggered by even one bite of "contraband". As I've said here many times before, I don't have to resist a whole cake, or a bag of candy - I only have to not take the first bite, and that will greatly help the biochemical piece of my overeating.

So - I'm feeling much better, and the biggest change I am seeing is the restoration of hope. I'd actually been thinking that I was not going to be able to get my eating under control again and that I should work on accepting myself as a fat person who struggles to be "only" 50 pounds overweight. I was really mired down in negativity, fear, muddled thinking from endless sugar intake, and inertia. It feels miraculous that I have a full week clean! And I feel just the slightest bit optimistic that I CAN get better, find healing and ultimately, peace with food.

But - the BIG BUT...the part that will be the most difficult will be the emotional piece. Just last evening for the first time I started having food thoughts - no cravings, but just the desire to eat something. So I had about a 1/4 cup of nuts and went to bed. The thoughts passed, but not before I sat and reflected for a little while - trying to breathe into that desire to eat and see where it took me. I didn't unearth anything of import, but I know that there are feelings and thoughts and maybe memories or fears that I've been stuffing. They will emerge if I don't restart the stuffing process, and it's my fervent desire to not return to that living hell of out-of-control eating.

I'm perfectly content for now with the way I'm eating, but I'm not even having fruit for the first 2 weeks. I don't trust myself, and since I'm not missing it or craving it, I'm going to take it a day at a time and see if I want to continue with this or add in a few more carb items like an apple, or dried beans or something. But the biggest thing is that I'm going to stay accountable to a friend in my real world, as well as to a virtual friend who extended herself and her support to me. And I'm going to be honest. This current burst of truth telling by me has been motivated by a very courageous blogger, Lyn at Escape From Obesity, who has always role-modeled honesty on her blog. I'm done with glossing over reality. It wastes your time and mine, and affords me nothing.

So here is trying to get this 8th day in the can!

The slow and steady decline

2011-11-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

If for no other reason than to stop having to see the non-word "supah" in the title of my last post - which was a full month ago, I'm finally feeling like reinserting myself into the blogosphere. I've been reading my faves and commenting occasionally, but emotionally I've been on a roller coaster of the self-induced kind. Whoever first said, "Our misery is generally 97% of our own making" was a wise soul indeed. I've felt out-of-control with self care and thus my self respect has been lower than a snake's belly. Old shame has been percolating, rendering me vulnerable to even more bad choices regarding self care.

Things at work, home, family life, friends, AA - you know, the surface stuff - have been fine. But in my own little world, I've been struggling with old behaviors (read: bingeing) for awhile. I haven't done well really all summer with keeping my food in check. And of course I didn't write honestly about it here because I was certain I could get a hold of it and turn things around. What a crock'o'crap. I'd been relying on my old faithful "Scale Roulette" as a means of "controling" my eating. If the scale was up a couple of pounds, I tried to rein in my after work and after dinner eating. When the scale dropped back down the couple of pounds to the less but still horrific # of around 210, I'd relax a bit and fall back into the "eating whatever isn't nailed down" tactic. Realize this was basically all summer long when wrote here I was doing okay but could be doing better. Liar liar pants on fire...

In September I tried not buying much in the way of junk food and highly processed stuff as a means of helping control myself. Well. It's amazing how creative I can get about concocting bad food choices from relatively few blatantly bad "foods". Think healthy whole wheat bread with ice cold butter sort of sliced into thin pats to cover the surface and eating that - delicious. So good in fact, that I'd go back for another. This while virtuously avoiding peanut butter. I'll spare you the details, but Scale Roulette got harder, and the required weigh-ins to play the game became fewer and farther between.

About a week before before we left for California, I white knuckled some semblance of "improved" intake and managed to get down to a lithe 208 before we flew out on September 30th. (Like 208 is my goal!) I was relieved that I was back in reasonable territory for the trip. Good grief. While there, we literally ate 3 meals a day out - lots of good stuff, but also lots of bad choices (for me - not my skinny husband or skinnier son). Not to mention a few clandestine forays to local grocery stores or Starbucks for scones, M&Ms (which I honestly don't usually like that much). It was vacation, and I knew I was "probably" going to gain a few pounds, but figured I'd get back on track (you know, the track I hadn't been on in months) and get it off once home. By far the worst day was the flight home - 2 stopovers before landing in Philly, so a long day in airports, all equipped with various and sundry eateries of questionable nutritious purveyance. Over the course of that day, I had 2 different Starbucks scones, 2 different fast-food meals (which I literally hadn't had in several years...one at McD's, one at Burger King - both with fries but NO SHAKES because I was being careful!)...and other assorted candy, cookies (Biscoffs on the flights - I might surrender an arm for a lifetime supply of those)...just totally out of control.

The first morning home, I stepped on the scale after mentally preparing myself for a "possible" gain (I just laughed out loud as I wrote that!). What to my wondering eyes should appear but the number 215.8, the highest I'd been since starting this blog. The date was October 9th, and I immediately set out to turn it around. But I couldn't. I'd do well for several hours each day, obsessing all the way about what I couldn't shouldn't mustn't eat, and eventually succumb. I did get down to 212.4 after the first week, but never got on the scale again until Wednesday, the 26th, last week. In those days prior to weighing, I was really kind of crazed. I bought big bags of little packs of Brach's candy corn (for trick or treaters), thinking I'd have 2 little bags each night. More like 8-10, which probably totalled 80 candy corn - after other late afternoon and evening junk. I knew I was out of control - a terrible feeling - but I couldn't stop and began to get scared that I was never going to be able to rein myself in again. I felt pretty desperate and depressed, and getting dressed in the mornings was becoming a huge nightmare because everything was tight.

I could go on describing this - and already have for too long. Finally last Wednesday I weighed myself and saw 215.8 again. It shocked the shit out of me and I knew I couldn't continue.

**This is where I stopped writing yesterday at work (Monday) and was never able to return. I'll continue now but am going to post this first part of my neverending story's next chapter.**

Supah quickie

2011-10-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends - I'm aware there is still a malware warning when someone attempts to comment on my blog, so I'm going to figure it out one way or another so I can resume normal blog functioning. Very frustrating for a non-techie such as myself. I've read a lot of suggestions but haven't had time to focus on the issue.

We're in California and having a great time. Our son is doing great, and I have a lot of pictures of him and our adventures to date. Tomorrow we're off to Lake Tahoe, then San Francisco Wednesday and Thursday. Hope to share it all here, but not until I get this malware issue tackled. Happy Monday all!

Gray lady down...no UP

2011-09-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

2 days in a row of posting! That's a record for me in the last few months. I'm having a quiet day at work (know that I knocked on real and fake wook for saying that!) and thought I'd update a couple of other things I've talked about lately.

One is exercise - as I said yesterday, I've been doing very well with moving more, and after work I grabbed the dog and we hoofed it for 4 miles at a very brisk pace. Only problem was that it feels like late July here instead of early fall - it was 82, and humid as a sauna! My clothes were heavy with sweat when I peeled them off upon our return. I am ready for highs in the low 60s, damn it! Then I can really kick some a$$ with fast walking and outdoor moving. Honestly, once I got home and did some stretching, I just laid on the floor with a fan blowing directly on my underwear-only-clad body for about 20 minutes (sorry for the unfortunate visual that may have conjured..). I felt drained!

After a shower and a little more down time I rejuvenated, and got to fixing a nice meal for vegetarian sonny boy who got into Philly about 8:30 last night. He was a sight for eyes - looking excrutiatingly handsome though in need of a shave (think tennis pro Rafa Nadal - and I'm not kidding), and very happy from a great visit with his sister in the DR. But also he gave me a lovely big hug, and I shot up a major prayer of gratitude for him, his safe journey, and the fact that he seemed happy to be back!

Mark's return was appreciated most, probably, but the dog, Wally. Some months back we received Wally at the Atlanta airport from the DR, as Jean, our daughter in the Peace Corps, wasn't able to keep him once she relocated to the capital city. Wally is a little over 2, and of the countless varieties of canine that comprise him, at least 50% is greyhound. He runs like the wind, and Mark plays with him all the time - throwing a frisbee that Wally can actually jump and catch in the air. In Mark's absence, Wally has been stuck with his "grandparents" who walk him and let him off the leash in big fields - but no where near the level of playtime that his "Uncle Mark" affords him. Mark wasn't in the door 5 minutes before they went out in the backyard for some frisbee in the dark time!

The other thing I wanted to update on is the progress on my new OLD hair color. Recall a month ago (?) that I finally made the decision to kick the dye bottle to the curb in favor of going au naturel. Needless to say the gray is making an increasing appearance, esp. since I got a trim last week. It's taking longer than I expected, but with the colored hair being replaced at the scalp by gray, it's taken on a sort of frosted appearance that I actually like. Maybe I'll do something temporary once I see how it looks all grown out to maintain that look. No more permanent dye though - I've sworn it off. Here's a few pics taken just now - and also because of the humidity my hair is doing this weird wavy thing -

Yikes! Girlfriend is getting grayer by the hour! Worst thing to happen is that I'll decide to return to the dark side, but hopefully not. I stood up so the light was shining right into my hair - my scalp isn't ever as evident as it appears here - let's pray the hair doesn't get thinner as it makes its big transition!

Finally - I had a GREAT food day yesterday - no snacking or bingeing. Woke up in the middle of the night starving...a friend once told me that when your stomach feels that empty, you're losing weight. Whatever - I didn't get up and eat anything. I just revelled in that all too unfamiliar feeling.

I'm still breathing

2011-09-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

I want to check in since it's been awhile. All is well - this morning I was down another 2 lbs from last week and am delighted about that. I was a nice round (no pun intended but a good one, yes?) 208 this morning. My week wasn't perfect but it was much better. I've been doing a sort of modified WW, keeping a lower carb emphasis when snacking or eating out. I was home alone this weekend and thus it was easy to just have simple meals. I've been getting a lot of good exercise, between walking, a Pilates DVD, and occasional riding an exercise bike in the Physical Therapy room at work.

Last time I posted I talked about tracking my thoughts and particularly FEELINGS when a food thought found it's way into my gray matter - which on some days is hourly! I haven't been writing the feelings, but I have been stopping and thinking about my inner landscape and what's brewing therein. Just pausing and telling myself that I can revisit the thought of food (and the kitchen) in 10 minutes has been helping a lot.

Seems a craving does have a beginning, a middle and an end. If I immediately grab food and shove it in at the first instant a craving or desire to eat hits, I miss the rest of the show...don't get to experience the middle of the craving, whatever it may be, and certainly don't get to the end (as in the craving passes) because by shoving in food, the craving and it's driving force (feeling?) are blighted and gone to my conscious mind. I've actually had a few times of doing the pause and promising my inner binge-er that in 10 minutes we can revisit the food thought if necessary, where revisiting the food thought doesn't happen because I allow myself to discover the feeling, and either talk about it with a friend or just contemplate it for awhile.

I have no delusion that this period of grace will last, but I'm eternally grateful for it right now. Each day I try something new and find it works - even if it only works 1/2 the time, there is interior change and deepening awareness. I've been at some despairing places in the last 6 months thinking I didn't really have the desire to get some weight off...I think that despair was generated by a deeper fear that "nothing will work for me" and "this is hopeless". Intellectually I know that isn't true, but settling into despair enabled me to just wallow and eat. That phase seems to have passed, and I'm again optimistic about the possibility of real change.

That's it for now. We leave Friday for our trip to California and I'm SOOOOO excited!! Hubby is on a business trip until Thursday evening, but tonight our youngest son who was visiting his sister in the Dominican Republic will be arriving back in Philly. I can't wait to see him. Things are good - peaceful and pleasant. I'll take that anyday.

Track and feel

2011-09-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

Wow - it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post...time flies when you're busy and having fun. Things have been going well in my neck of the blogdom...and while I don't have a lot to report, I did want to touch base and let you know I'm okay.

The Sunday before last, which would have been August 28th, my weight was 213.4. NOT GOOD - shockingly so. Last Sunday it was 210, so things are moving in the right direction, though I'd love it if they'd move faster. One thing I'm seeing clearly as I am striving to eat with awareness is the value of a food journal. I'm really trying to stop and think - or more accurately reflect - on what I'm feeling when the urge to eat comes at a time when I'm clearly NOT empty stomach hungry but rather just want to shove something in. Usually I have to first parse what I'm thinking in order to discover the feeling below the thought. This takes time - more than the nano-second it takes to shove the aforementioned something into my mouth. When I take the time to do this, it helps. Even if I don't get at the content of the feeling/s, at least I can convince myself to put the eating off for a bit and see what happens.

This is where a food journal can really help me. My track record (no pun intended) sucks when it comes to consistency and diligence with keeping a journal, but possibly that's because I've always tried to be very anal and specific with writing exact amounts of food ingested, etc. I'm thinking that just noting the occurence of the food thoughts and a one word description of the feeling (or 2 words, as in "don't know") might serve me better in starting this endeavor. I have a virtual stationary store at home of cute journals and fancy pens purchased for the 87 times I've set out to keep a food journal in the last 3 years, so I need not purchase another. Beginning to scratch out some stuff in any one of the cuties would be a good start, and helpful for sure.

Other news off the endless diet front include that hubby and I are going to California for 9 days at the beginning of October to see our older son who's working on an organic farm in the Sacramento Valley. I'm thrilled to pieces because I've never been to California. Son and hubby are hoping to play golf at Lake Tahoe - I'm sure I can find plenty to do while they hit the links. We're also planning to get to San Francisco and Reno, where we have a niece and her family. I'm so excited about this trip, and it presents yet another reason to keep working to drop some more pounds before we leave in a little over 2 weeks.

Our younger son, who graduated college this past spring, flew down to the Domincan Republic on Monday to spend 2 weeks with his sister - our oldest, where she continues in the Peace Corps. I Google chatted with them both today, and it sounds like they're having a great time. Hubby and I feel so fortunate and grateful that our 3 kids love each other and like to spend time together.

That's about it from me for today. I think I'll be back to blogging more often again after my recent hiatus. And I'll keep you posted on my journaling efforts that I may begin this afternoon when I get home from work. Happy Hump Day, all!

What'll you have?

2011-09-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

This idea is 100% entirely, totally and completely bootlegged from Karen's post today. Thank you, Karen, and my apologies. Rather than paraphrase what Special K (I nickname everyone in my mind, and Karen is Special K!) spoke of, I urge you to follow the link and check it out for yourself, if you haven't already. It's excellent, as her posts and writing always are.

I will expand on her thoughts with my usual perspective that comes from AA. And this will make more sense if you DO read Karen's post first. In early sobriety, it's often terribly hard not to default back into drinking when the going, or the thinking, or the living gets tough. Drinking's what we've done for a long time, else we wouldn't be sitting in an AA meeting. And it stopped working for us, too - or we DEFINITELY wouldn't be sitting in said meeting.

During my earliest days in AA, I heard a man who was in his 80s if he was a day, suggest that when the thought of a drink comes, to think about how waitress, or bar maid, or server of any kind in a food and beverage establishment will often ask, after you've ordered something, "What'll you have with that?" There's also the notion of a bartender wiping down the bar and calling out, "What'll you have, what'll you have?"

The old coot went on to say "what'll you have with that" is a very good question to ponder when the desire to drink comes up. The answer can vary from a hangover in the morning to being locked up in jail to getting a DUI, or killing someone while driving under the influence. There's a veritable smorgasboard of answers to the question of what I, alcoholic Leslie, will have if I pick up a drink (and it's never one - believe me), and I don't even want to ponder the thought for a moment. Whatever happens, it won't be good, and my life is fantastic today, having undergone a very slow 180 degreee turn from my drinking days.

Karen's point was about food - and it's the same thing. What'll I have with the single handful of chips (that turns into the whole bag) or the sliver of cake (that turns into a several hour-long binge)? Self hatred, shame, self disgust, unhappiness, a sugar hangover, clothes that don't fit...the list goes on and on.

Hopefully, this can be another implement to add to my toolbox of tricks to circumvent the first compulsive bite. Because if I don't have the first, all those "what'll I have with its" won't be inevitable. Thanks Karen, for getting me thinking about this.

Sorry summer

2011-08-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks all, for the suggestions about the Blogger issue. I tried unclicking that "remember me" box and it worked - but of late I don't even get that option. I'm going to keep at it, and if I have a comment I can't resist passing on, I email to the person if the address is available.

I just want to ask a question...what the hell has been going on this summer??? I'm seeing, both in blogs I read as well as in the comments on those blogs, that a lot of us have really struggled this summer - often resulting in regaining some hard fought off pounds. And seeing others' courage in reporting, I will throw my hat into this rather dismal ring by noting that I too have gain back about 5-7 pounds in 6 weeks. Not the worst I've read, but bad enough to jolt me.

Part of me takes comfort in the fact that I am clearly not alone in this. But if I take too much comfort, I can keep these newfound old pounds and add more. In a New York second. And it's puzzling, because usually I drop a few pounds in the summer without trying because I'm so much more active. This summer I haven't been - I quit the gym to save $, and it's been hotter than the hinges of Hades until the last 2 weeks when earthquakes and hurricanes have made their presences known in places they don't usually.

Hey!! Maybe that's it...deep, cosmic, preternatural forces have aligned or collided to get in the way of us earnest bloggers' efforts to lose weight and get fit! That just came to me as I'm stream of conscious-ing here, but methinks it doesn't hold water. At least not about myself.

I have had many desires to eat sweets and highly processed crap this summer - and rather than wait out the urges, I've succumbed with the intention of just having "a little", or "one", or "just this one last day"...knowing it's a crock of horse manure to think I'm going to stop at a moderate amount. I've talked over and over on this blog about the nature of addiction, linking my ideas to what I've learned in my long term sobriety in AA. But I have been struggling with the desire to lose weight and get fit. I want to eat less and move more, but when push comes to shove, it seems I don't want it enough to do what it takes to get it. So I desire to desire to be willing to be willing... you get the point.

It's really hard to stick to a plan when at the most basic level I'm not feeling desperate enough to follow up my plan with action. (Do I really need to feel desperate to want to be healthier and more fit?) For now, I'm praying for willingness and desire to get on track and stick with it when ~~I want to eat cheez-its and other assorted junk food when I get home from work~~ when the going gets rough. Resisting cravings and sitting in the discomfort of not responding to my food thoughts is like having a muscle that is atrophied from lack of use. It hurts to move it, but as you begin to exercise it in little ways, it gets stronger and less painful. My muscle for resisting extra eating is not only atrophied, it's practically dead from lack of action. But it can be strengthened - I know because I've done it before.

With the atmosphere evidencing early vapors of autumn, I'm feeling more optimistic that I can and will begin more walking, more exercise DVDs, and less mindless dependence on the virtual groaning board that has become my pantry this summer. Also I've mentioned before that I think I need to join a new (and less pricey) gym, just to get back into the discipline of showing up most days after work and at least doing some elliptical work and strength training.

Motivated by more courageous bloggers than myself, I'm coming clean to admit my sorry summer of sloppy self care. From 205 in early May, I was 212 on Sunday morning. And that is with eating plenty of fruit, vegetables, lean protein and low or no-fat dairy products. Obviously they are not at the core of my current status. I can't blame having a 23 y/o son home, because he doesn't eat most of the junk that ~~someone~~ I bring into the house. I'm not quitting. I'm in it for the long haul, but it's already been long enough!

HELP!!!!!!!!

2011-08-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've been out of pocket for a few days due to no electricity (thanks Irene) (it's back as of 2 a.m. this morning) and no cable sevice no internet access at home (still not back - thanks Irene for your gift that keeps giving). So the last hour here at work was the first time I've been reading blogs and a problem that had been brewing for awhile seems to be getting worse. I don't know what to do and need HELP, advice, a computer overhaul (though I don't comment as much at home on my laptop so not sure if it's worse on the work computer...).

The problem is that I cannot comment on any blog powered by Blogger now. When I try, - get the following screen: http://www.blogger.com/comment-iframe.do . At first it was only happening on a couple of blogs, but now it's on every Blogger blog. I don't know what to do. Has the entire blog kingdom blocked me? Even I'm not so paranoid to think so!!! My settings don't appear to have changed but I have no idea what to do. I appreciate any help, suggestions or sympathy you all can muster.

BTW - otherwise I'm fine :), but I miss my ability to share my extremely sage comments with my peeps! Thanks for any wisdom or tech assistance you can provide.

The big reveal - and keep your expectations low

2011-08-24T11:05:00.000-07:00

Attention young and fair-haired bloggers: this post will likely bore you to death = be a major snooze. But it is a cautionary tale that most, if not all, will relate to at some point while on this side of the filmy membrane that separates us from living now and the next realm. So maybe skim through and file it for when your bodies start to remind you that you ain't the gals you once were...snicker snicker.

I doubt anyone will be shocked to learn that my big reveal is not that I have secretly lost the 50 pounds I've been trying to lose since Hannah was a pup and fooling you all with "woe is me" posts about overeating and such. There will be no cream puff shots of me in slinky clothes and big hair, proudly displaying my willowy new body. Maybe someday.

When I mentioned yesterday that I was going to share something new, what I really meant was that I'm going to embrace more fully something ~~old~~ that isn't new...me. Something I've been wanting to do for a couple of years - something I encounter every single month - actually every 3 weeks nowadays, and at age 58, you know I'm not talking about that special Aunt Flo who used to come around at about the same intervals. I sent her packing about 5 years ago (or did she leave in a huff?).

To start, Martin Luther once said, "The hair is the richest ornament of women". Not sure why such a noted religious pioneer was concerning himself with women's ornaments, but he was, afterall, a man.

Yeah, I'm talking hair. As of now, chemicals used for the purpose of dying hair will no longer touch mine. I'm done. DONE. FINIS. CAPUT. I actually can't remember how long I've been dying my hair, but it's been at least 15 years. Interesting to note that I started when I had just the first wisps of gray around my temples and the rest was its usual medium blonde. But along the way, the gray advanced in its ruthless pursuit for dominion over my head, and quite frankly won the battle long ago. The appointments with the colorist increased from every 6 weeks to 5, 4 and so on to where even the hoity toity Aveda product used now will only hide the gray for 2 and a half to 3 weeks; so I spend a couple weeks - every month - determining I'm not going to color it any more, only to succumb when things start looking pretty unkept and stripey.

But this time I'm positive. I'm ready. I've done research, actually found a blog about going gray that's GREAT, and in preparation for writing this post even looked up some quotes about hair, and grayness! It's happening, and with my short do, it shouldn't take too long before I can get a cut and be rid of the remnants of the dyed tresses. So I thought I'd take a few pictures of where it is now, and then follow with progress shots every few weeks until I'm offically a gray lady. Or white, or silver, or whatever. I took the photos of my own head this morning with my iPhone, so they aren't that good, and as I'm wearing no make up and haven't tweezed the brows in decades, I decided to wait until this transition is in the can before doing a full frontal shot of face and hair in decent light. You're just getting muted tones, and scalp shots for now.

So there you have it. The graying of Leslie, begun many years ago, will soon be made not only manifest, but visible by all. The worst thing that can happen is that I'll look awful, but I've never been a very vain person, thanks to certain self beliefs I've had for my whole life (thanks Mom), so I think it will be fine. I actually think it's going to be more than fine, and I'm really excited about it - finally. It feels like I'm upgrading my image and embracing fully exactly who I really am. My affair with dying hair, and paying exorbitant fares for dyed hair, is over. It's just me and Mother Nature from now on. Hopefully she'll help me get some pounds off too.

EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

It doesn't happen everyday that you suddenly see your computer screen, keyboard, and other objects on your desk start to shake back and forth!! Especially here in suburban Philly. We had ourselves an earthquake!

Actually it was Virginia that had itself a small earthquake, relatively near Washington D.C., but apparently it was felt as far west as Michigan, and in Boston, CT, and North Carolina. And here in Swarthmore, PA, where I work. Very strange. Suddenly the most common phrase to be heard in the halls of my agency are, "Did you feel that?" The forces of nature are remarkable and powerful. There is little info on the internet yet as to whether buildings or utilities were affected, much less whether there were any injuries or worse. Hopefully not and that this will be a reminder to us all that we really have very little control over much of anything, other than ourselves. Anyway - can't wait to see the news later this afternoon to get the whole story. Any bloggers feel the shaking and trembling besides moi?

I've had a GOOD last 2 days - 4 mile walks and sane eating. So far so good today, as well, but I know to take it an hour at a time. Or a minute, when a food thought or compulsion to eat or binge arises. I'm grateful for every bit of sanity and peace with food that comes, and pray that more is possible if I pause between the impulse to stuff something in my mouth, and the actually stuffing. It worked yesterday...to just stop for a few moments and reflect on the notion that once I put a bite of something off plan into my mouth and swallow it, dollars to donuts more will follow - and the more may include the donuts! Or other garbage.

I've heard it so many times, but the other day I read something written by a blogger (for the life of me I can't recall who) about how she treated herself like a garbage receptacle, and it really jolted me. More like a dumpster in my case. Seriously - how can I treat the only body I'll ever have with such wanton disregard and hatefulness? It, and I, deserve better.

I've been writing a post in my mind for a few days that maybe I'll actually get into the virtual world tomorrow. It's about a BIG change I'm itching to make and coming very close to doing...and that I've mentioned in this blog at least a couple of times over the last 3 years. I'm feeling excited and anticipatory, and am reading up on this particular upgrading of my image (so to speak). So stay tuned, and in the next day or so I'm going to talk about it.

In light of the shaky events in the last hour, I'm compelled to say that it's okay to have your head in the clouds, as long as your feet are on solid ground! (excerpted from The Big Book of AA - where else?)

Pickle anyone?

2011-08-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice weekend. I took a sick day Friday and spent much of it with my almost 23 (at the end of this month) year old son - having lunch out, then hitting the local going-out-of-business Borders (so sad to see that company have to fold after 40+ years) to see if the REAL markdowns have started happening (they have!), and then a romp through Tar-ghay for countless items we didn't need but couldn't live without.

Saturday I got lots of exercise - in the form of a 5 mile walk and then some CD led Pilates in my den. By Sunday, my abs and other assorted core parts were achy in the best way - I really felt like I'd done something constructive for my body, and that made me more determined to keep it up and get back on a regular exercise schedule NMW (no matter what).

Saturday afternoon I went with some girl friends and saw The Help, which was wonderful. Such a great story - only slightly altered from the book. It was a movie that included laughing and crying - my favorite kind. Wonderful performances, great period costuming and sets (cars and buses from the early 60s). Highly recommended.

Yesterday we had torrential rain all day long, to the point where our back yard had so much water that it was looking like the Everglades, minus the gators. It was a perfect day for watching mindless Lifetime and Hallmark movie channel movies and reading, which is what I did. Sometimes days like that can make me want to graze all day, but I did pretty well staying on track with good food choices. I did end up have 2 ears of fantastic corn on the cob with dinner rather than the one I'd planned, but that wasn't too heinous. It was the bicolor corn from a local farm and it was like candy - sweet, succulent and delish.

I want to talk about something that I think I may have posted about a couple years ago. As is often the case on my blog, this notion is inspired by something I learned about in AA, which I'll get to in a minute.

There are many of us in the blog community striving to either lose weight or maintain weight loss, as well as to get as healthy and fit as possible. Many folks have lost weight and done great maintaining for years, and find they can successfully adopt the intuitive method of eating once they reach their goal weight and strike a good balance of eating and exercising. Then there are others who've found weight loss and fitness but quick to say that they will always have to work at staying in their desired range - that the tendencies to turn to food in times of emotional turmoil or other stresses remain long after the weight has vanished. In other words - for some, the fight is over once they "learn" how to eat healthfully and move enough to burn fat and tone muscles. For others (most?), maintaining will always be a ~~fight~~ challenge.

In that 2nd category there is a sub group that are true food addicts...a tribe of which I'm unfortunately a member. (Hey, I'm not complaining, just stating fact - I could have a lot more serious, limiting or life-threatening diseases!) And this leads me to the aforementioned nugget of wisdom I learned many years ago when I first started going to AA, which is this: Once a cucumber is pickled, it can't go back to being a cucumber.

In AA this relevant because once a person's drinking has become alcoholic in nature, it won't go back to being "normal" - ever. I recently shared with you guys that I celebrated 20 years of sobriety. That's a shitload of sober time. But it isn't enough, nor will any amount of time be enough, to enable me to successfully drink alcohol again. Not a civilized glass of merlot with dinner. Not a shared pitcher of beer with a few friends. Maybe I could have one glass once or twice, but dollars to donuts, once I put alcohol in my body, it's a matter of time before I'll be back to the races again. I'm pickled - and no amount of time out of the pickle jar will render me a simple cucumber again - or a simple normal drinker.

The same is true with food. I've proven this to myself about a quintillion times. Lose weight. Feel great. Add back in certain foods that have ALWAYS sent me back for more - and off to the races goeth I. Sad but true. I KNOW THIS. Maybe that's why I'm so resistant to ultimately power through my cravings and food thoughts and get this weight off once and for all. Because there is no once and for all. There's only one day at a time and I will never be able to totally relax and eat the way I'm hard wired to eat. Knowing that is helpful, I think. But not helpful for losing the weight. It's helpful in that it cuts through my denial, and my wishing I was not this way. It convicts me with responsibility for my own well being. I know how to live without one of my substances a day at a time. And I know that if I can do the one, the other is within my grasp IF I REALLY WANT IT.

These are just thoughts - triggered by a couple of blogs I've read lately where people with similar issues to mine are pondering how to proceed on their respective journeys. I'm just realizing that if I want to get on down the scale and actually get there, it won't be the end. It will be the beginning of more one days at a time.

Busted

2011-08-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

I heard something at my AA meeting this morning that sort of caught me off guard and therefore went straight to my solar plexus - translate: the truth hurts. But it also informs, so here it is.

Interestingly enough, it was my sponsor and dear friend Lisa (who continues to defy the odds and the medical profession with her insistance on not succumbing to Stage 4 lung cancer for over 3 years now) who said the words that rang all too true in my ears. There had been a speaker at the meeting who told their story (of drinking, and then getting and living sober). Typically after the speaker is finished, there is general sharing from the group for the remaining 30 minutes or so.

The speaker had told about his numerous aborted attempts to stop drinking both in and out of AA. Now he is on solid ground and seems to "have it", but he talked about how he'd get a few days, weeks or months sober and then the relapse would happen, seemingly out of the blue. Or was it "out of the blue"?

It's often said that a relapse usually happens long before the actual picking up of the substance. Maybe it's complacency, or stinking thinking, or a resentment about someone or something that is gnawing at the recovering person. Also could be thoughts of, "I think I have this licked now...", or just getting tired of doing what it takes to find and maintain sobriety.

Anyway, many people who shared after the speaker told his story seemed to focus on that aspect of relapse and deciding to pick up after a period of time. And then my sponsor talked about how while she was in the revolving door of early sobriety where she was relapsing frequently, she always noticed how once she decided she was going to drink - either immediately or a few hours later, her entire mood shifted and she'd be starting to feel lighter and happier even before she ingested any booze. Anticipatory buzz? Just knowing that it was coming sent the addiction switch from OFF to ON.

Well. I could relate to that as I thought about my countless attempts at stopping drinking before I finally stuck and stayed in AA. But more than that, I could identify with this from the perspective of trying to rein in my overeating and bingeing. Just yesterday (the day after I was feeling pretty optimistic about my process), I was at work, feeling annoyed by myriad things at work that were, well, annoying - and I "decided" that when I got home, I was going to have one napkin full (a good sized handful) of BIG Cheezits that my son bought. And do you know that once I decided that, my frustrations, annoyances, and irritability sort of melted away and I became the rock star nurse for the rest of the time I was there - funny, visiting the various classrooms to hang out and "work" the rooms with joie de vivre and enthusiasm?

UGH. It was my anticipatory buzz - and even though I contemplated NOT eating the Cheezits, (because before they were "on board" I still had the choice to not eat them as opposed to after the first bite when the choice was gone because the flip was switched), I DECIDED to eat them, knowing full well that would likely be the beginning of an eatin' evening. And it was.

Hearing the discussion at the meeting along with Lisa's remarks about lighting up just at the plan of the later drinking hit me right between the eyes. Yet another window into addiction in general, and my food addiction in particular. More keeps being revealed. Good news and bad news. But I'm not going anywhere and I'm not quitting.

Thanks for letting me share.

Maybe, just maybe...

2011-08-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

I had a good weekend with food and exercise. Actually a better 2 consecutive days than I've had in quite awhile. I got 2 long (over an hour each) walks, as well as spending about 3 hot, humid and very sweaty hours doing yard work yesterday. My food was good - not sugar free as I continually talk about trying to do, but with absolutely no overeating.

My vague sense of funkiness and anxiety has also shifted substantially, as it always does, despite my impatience for that to happen. What began the turn was getting to my meditation group last Wednesday evening for the first time in a month. It was so helpful to sit with other folks and just focus on my breathing for the nano second before THOUGHTS intruded, at which point I just returned to breathing. About 30 times in the 20 minute sit!

A friend from AA who has been a meditator for many years actually told me that in the getting still and quiet, she's able to finally observe her feelings - giving them recognition and acceptance that yield valuable information about ourselves, not to mention peace in the present moment. For some reason, I'd been resisting my feelings of antsiness and discontent. You know what they say...that which we resist persists. I've proven this to myself dozens of times - running away from the still small voice within seems to be my default setting, and it never works. I'm grateful that some higher force in the universe allowed me to break through and show up for meditation. The reason it had been so long since I'd been was because I was RESISTING it...out of fear? Dread? Who knows - but the weeks I missed, I had any number of excuses that sounded nothing like the truth!

Not much else from me today. I'm thankful to feel lighter, more content, and more anchored in the world here and now, as opposed to running from the present moment with worry about the future or guilt about the past. It's nice to start the week in a good place.

20 big ones

2011-08-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm here to share that today is my AA anniversary. I am celebrating 20 years of continuous sobriety, and my gratitude and wonder at that fact know no bounds. I'm darned proud of myself, though I could never have done this alone. Never.

While I wasn't an under the bridge drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag when I was shown the way into the rooms of AA and started the most important journey of my life, my bottom was low enough. Pretty early on in my sober journey, when I still wanted to drink every day and was holding on by the skin on my teeth, I would say to people in the program, "Maybe I haven't hit bottom yet". I was hoping against hope would tell me that it would be okay to drink if I hadn't hit bottom.

Guess what? Nobody said that to me. One day a woman responded to my glib and hopeful proclamation about not having hit bottom, "Well, the bottom goes all the way down to death. But you can get off on any floor you want."

Sneaky folks, those AAs. They have an answer for just about any BS a gal (or guy) can sling. The answer is that there is a solution to the problem of alcoholism that begins with not picking up the first drink. They don't promise a charmed life, abundant wealth, new cars, jump started careers, healthy happy relationships...the only guarantee I was ever given when I started attending meetings was that I never had to hurt from alcohol again. And I haven't. Life is still life - with ups and downs. But there is no circumstance I will ever encounter that will be improved if I pick up a drink.

I'm status quo-ing along with my eating - no bingeing, and making better choices. If I can acquire continued sobriety for a day at a time, I KNOW I can find peace and sanity with food as well. It may be trickier in some ways, but the basic principles apply.

I can never give back to AA all that I've been given. The most important thing is for me to stay sober and help others achieve sobriety. Beyond that, anything is possible and things work out as they are supposed to.

Okay - so I was beating myself up

2011-08-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all the kind commenters yesterday for the encouragement, support and tough love you extended to me in response to my true confession # 42,346. A couple folks basically said I was WAS being hard on myself, daring to contradict my protestations to the contrary. Of course you guys were/are right. My default setting is to over-own my piece in my own struggle and misery to the point of self pummeling, and that isn't productive. So thanks again for the wonderful fellowship of support and motivation. You're the best bunch of bloggees a girl could ever know! :)

I had a much better day yesterday. Lots of water, a little exercise, no overeating. Dinner was leftovers of homemade manicotti (of which I had one), low-carb meatloaf (of which I had about 3 ounces) and about 1/2 cup of potatoes and onions sauteed in a little butter. Talk about ANTI Low Carb! I need to stock up on fresh veggies which I'll do after work today, so I have no more of that kind of carbo-manic dinner. While it was not a day of overeating, my dinner could have been saner. But I had no seconds and very menial portions so that was a lot better than other days of late.

Just coming clean about where I am knocks some of the shame and isolation out of my day, which is where the blog is so great. I'm still not really feeling OA meetings, and I can't really share about eating at AA (other than in passing), so the blog is a great outlet and I so appreciate people I've come to know and respect telling me when they hear me slinging the BS I'm so prone to conjur up in my wacky brain.

Here's to a good day today for all of us. It's my intention (there's that word...) to stay more accountable here as to how I'm doing, even if I'm eating 2 cakes and 4 pies every day - which it's NOT my intention to do!

Who am I kidding?

2011-08-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

New month, new resolve. New commitment to honest and consistent reporting. New accountability. Weight today - 210.2. In the last month I was as low as 206.2, and high as 212.

It's not that I've been doing "bad", but I haven't been doing "good". I read on a blog recently (can't remember which one) that maintaining at a place that isn't where one wants to be is not the victory I can fool myself into claiming it is. "At least I'm not gaining" is about the sorriest excuse I've heard, and one I've used too often.

That's what I've been doing - maintaining at a too high weight, but still a good bit lower than I used to be. When I maintain at an unhealthy weight, progress isn't happening. I'm still eating too much and moving too little to travel in the direction I want to be going.

Can I tell you how sick to death I am of confessing this crap ad nauseum, every few weeks or months? I'm wondering if I need a frontal lobotomy, except that wouldn't remove the big belly that is out front. I'm soft and doughy and not happy about it. I really feel like I don't want to keep blogging when all I do is vow to do better and then do worse. But if I give up blogging, that will remove one of my best support systems, as well as bringing me closer to giving up and accepting my "fate" of being less than/more than I want and know I can be. I'm not going to stop blogging, but I sure would like to become a success story rather than a never-ran.

I'm also in a bit of a funk and not sure what is at the core. One thing I do know is that at some level my stringing myself along with just enough overeating to maintain my too high weight is a strategy that isn't working to ease my anxiety and distractedness very much. Unless it is...it's occurred to me that if this eating I do is keeping my anxiety and funkiness at bay, what might it be like if I 86 the eating? Would I be even more antsy? I really have no idea what my current yuckdom is about, but it will pass. It always does. Eating it down only gives me another thing about which to feel like $h*t.

In the meantime, I think my poor decisions about what I'm going to put in my mouth and what exercising I'm not going to do aren't helping at all. In fact, they are contributing to the funk. I really know that. Add that to also not sticking with my meditation that helps me quiet my racing mind SOO much, and you get what you're reading here. A mish mash of frustration, fear, envy, self doubt, restlessness and irritability. Don't try this at home as it's very unpleasant.

So I commit again. I'm writing down my food for today. Wednesday I can return to my meditation class, though a class is not essential for meditation practice. Useful tools: willingness to show up for myself, without tv, music, noise or self sufficiency, the ability to trust that I'm not just going to be okay eventually but that I already am okay, just as I am today, trust that the process of regrouping and recharging is as alive and well as always even though I've not been availing myself of them.

I could go on and on. You know that. I'm getting tired of being the poster child for "Don't Let This Happen To You", and only I can remove myself from that picture. I'm not beating myself up but I am really embarrassed to be posting this kind of stuff. Again. For the umpteenth time. Better to share it than to hide it. So to myself I say, "Come out, come out, wherever you are".

Drabs and dribs

2011-07-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's high time I put something up in place of the birthday post! My birthday was very nice - I left work 45 minutes early and watched about 6 episodes of Arrested Development with youngest son. Quite hilarious, but I recommended it to one friend who reported back to me that it was "weird and stupid", and "not funny". Interesting because I told her she wouldn't like it, knowing her sense of humor is no where near as demented as mine.

Anyway, (it doesn't take much for me to digress, si?) then hubby and son and I went to dinner at a lovely BYO that had been recommended, and it was great. Pricey, but delicious and worth the $$$$. I'm just thinking I should have taken pics of our meals, because they were so artfully presented, but I've gotten out of the habit of doing a whole lot of blog pics. I should reinstate more pics for visual interest, and less of my blathering! I had broiled scallops along side of a small light and custardy corn pudding - to die for! Also had an arugula, goat cheese and strawberry salad with a citrus vinaigrette that was also great. I actually recreated it last night for dinner, though I didn't get the dsg. quite right. It was good, but missing something. I'll keep working on it. Because of the prices, we decided to forgo dessert at the restaurant and headed to the local Rita's for water ice. It was the hottest day we've had in years (104), and water ice was one of the few things that could cool us off from the inside out! It was also many fewer calories than some of the desserts they offered would have been.

Hubby and son gave me nice presents - sonny boy gave me the first season of the show Dexter, which is one I've been wanting to watch and can't find at the library. Has a pretty dark theme, but as much as I love dememted humor, I also can enjoy a little darkness on occasion. Have any of youse seen it? (Every once in awhile I like to toss out some Phillyspeak for ya!) My son, who knows me very well, assures me it's right up my alley. My favorite show of all time was Six Feet Under - also dark, but fantastic.

Because of the heat, I haven't done much walking, and it's making me nuts. I did a Leslie Sansone DVD a couple of days just to get moving, but it doesn't give me the great feeling that a good 5 mile walk outdoors does. I'm not trying to wish away time, but I'm looking forward to fall weather in a few months. I really feel like I need to join a gym again and am kind of regretting having terminated my membership from the Cadillac gym I went to. It was great, but $90/month, plus extra if you signed up for classes. I know I can find a perfectly good gym for less. Will keep you posted on my search.

My food has been pretty good. Still not sugar free, and the fact that I am currently finding myself not able to leave it out completely tells me that's exactly what I need to do. Between the birthday, a baby shower this past Sunday, a friend bringing me homemade cookies, I'm just not WILLING to do it right now. Defiance rather than denial seems at the core here. I'm not bingeing and that's huge for me. But not enough. I'm not self-flagellating here - just being honest.

I've just started reading The Help, fully aware that I'm probably the last person in the free world to read it. It's great, and everytime I have a few minutes free at work, I open my desk drawer where I have the book and read a few pages. I love nothing better than having a book I can't put down. So that's what I'm going to do now, since it's thankfully a quiet day here. Anyone reading anything good? I have a big stack waiting but always appreciate new titles! :)

It's just a number!!

2011-07-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hi all - I promise to be brief here, for once. I just want to check in and say I'm doing okay with the food, no bingeing but still not finding abstinence from my trigger stuff, and likely it won't happen today because......

Today's my birthday!! It's not one that ends in a 5 or worse...a 0 - haha. The next "0" for me will be in 2 years, and it will be a humdinger! Actually, I don't mind any birthday, because I'm tickled pink and GRATEFUL to be alive and have the rich and full life I do, with a fantastic family, great friends, a mostly tolerable job, and this wonderful blog community, many of whom actually bother to read what I write! I'm 58 today, which at one time sounded ancient - now it sounds like late middle age (not really, though I still feel pretty young). My kids love to tell hubby and me how old and dotty we are now, though I ~~know~~ think they actually believe we're pretty cool old folks, and right they are!

Anyhoo - no big plans for the day other than surviving this Friday of 102+ degrees (some predictions say could go to 106 - ack!). Hubby, youngest son and I are going to a new place for dinner that's supposed to be good. I'm not going crazy, but I know I'm having dessert. Don't judge - old people such as myself have to keep up our strength. hahahaha. Tomorrow some friends are taking me out for breakfast, which won't involve any sugared items though.

I also want to note that when I said in the first paragraph that "I'm still not finding abstinence from my trigger stuff (of sugar and white flour products)", I am fully aware that abstinence isn't to be "found" - it's a tool to be WORKED. I had about 5 consecutive days about 10 days back, and then had a few cookies at a party - with full knowledge. No binge, but not abstinence. Any overeating I get into results from those forays into "just a bite" of something. Abstinence is on my planner - but not today.

I'll weigh in Sunday morning and report back. Earlier in the week I was down a couple pounds - if I can maintain that through until weighing, I'll be delighted.

Finally, thank you Vickie from Baby Steps V who actually remembered my birthday! You have a great memory, Vickie, and I appreciate it. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Fear Factor

2011-07-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about blogging, nor have I gone over the deep end with eating. My food has been pretty good. No bingeing, though I have had some items with sugar, so I can't claim abstinence from trigger substances. Happily haven't been triggered, but I know that the result of ingesting a trigger food can happen days or even weeks down the road. Whatever - I'm okay today and happy to have not had any binges since my post last Thursday. I'm not expecting to get too many miles in walking this week as the forecast is that it will be hotter than the hinges of Hell - but I can do an exercise DVD if ~~I get off my sorry ass~~ the spirit moves me.

Perhaps one thing making it easier for me to resist the siren call of overeating right now is the fact that I have a mild toothache on the upper right side - the last molar in the back. It's been subtle and on and off for about 9 days - disappearing completely for a couple days and then asserting itself into my consciousness for a few hours here and there. It responds perfectly well to ibuprofen, but I haven't had to use it more than once a day, and not even every day. But I know this isn't going away...

This doesn't sound like a big deal except for one thing...I'm dental phobic. Or should I say DENTAL PHOBIC, as in terrified of going to the dentist. My dentist is a lovely kind funny man who caters to cowards - and yet I tremble at the thought of even picking up the phone and making the app't. So I haven't.

I didn't grow up being this way. One of my elementary school classmate's dad was the dentist to the masses at Madeira Beach Elementary School, and I had perfectly fine visits with him. No fear, no pain, no emotional trauma. I never needed braces. I'm not sure when this all kicked in but I think it was when I was living in my mid 20s and went to a friend's boyfriend who had just opened his own dental practice. I'm sure he was perfectly well trained and competent, but after working to do a root canal for 2 hours, he informed me, "I can't save this tooth," and ended up pulling it out. That may have been the inception of my phobia.

Anyway - I need to call and get an appointment. But the thought of having little metal items picking at my teeth literally sends shivers up my spine - I have goose bumps just typing about it. You can imagine that feeling as I do about the dentist means that I'm slightly over due for a visit - like about 4 years! I'm not this way about anything else. I was just telling a work friend about my phobia, and she said she'd rather have a C-Section than go to the dentist, to which I replied that I'd rather have an unmedicated vaginal birth - and I'm not kidding.

Am I the only blogger with this affliction? And are you thinking that I'm the MOST neurotic blogger, if not human being, EVER? I guess I need a pep talk, but no horror stories, please. I have to make this appointment in the next day or so - maybe for next week to give me time to wring my hands and gnash my teeth in fear. Thanks for listening!

I have good news and good news

2011-07-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Good news # 1 is that I did stay entirely sugar free and white flour free yesterday! It's the first in quite a long time. There have been plenty of days when I didn't binge from eating sugar and/or related high processed crap, but any day I did binge it followed ingestion of the first bite of the aforementioned evil stuff. Coinkydink? I think not! :)

Even after one clean day, I woke up feeling a little more energetic, less fogged in before the coffee that helps chase the sugar haze away, and very grateful! The journey of a thousand years begins with the first day. I'm not shooting for a 1000 years, but now I'm shooting for Day 2. Will keep you posted. I just effing KNOW I can do it.

Good news # 2 is that I've "discovered" (from many blogs) about how you can mix uncooked old fashioned rolled oats with yogurt (or milk, which I hate so would never try) for only 10-15 minutes, and the oats take in enough moisture to soften and become kind of doughy and VERY satisfying to this blogger!

I've read several blogs where people make overnite oats, mixing equal parts oats, milk and yogurt in the fridge overnight, but it never occurred to me to try it because I thought it would be a too-cold gloppy mess that would bother my sensitive teeth. I like my oatmeal hot, but this summer I've been burned out (no pun intended) on hot oatmeal, and wasn't having luck finding a good cereal to mix with yogurt that had high protein, fiber and no sugar. Then I read in one of my regular blogs (can't recall whose) about how the oats just need 10 minutes to achieve yum level of mushiness, and yesterday I tried it. LOVE!

I used 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup Trader Joe's Greek nonfat plain yogurt with a splenda, and a cup of fresh pineapple. It was definitely a thick glooping goopy mess, but just right for me! I think I'll be doing this for awhile, and hopefully I'll keep finding good fresh pineapples because the taste and texture with the glop is perfection. Oh - and I added a skimpy Tbs. of chia seeds which made it heavenly grainy too.

Hopefully you're not gagging at the thought of this concoction. If so, just breathe in and out slowly for a few, and it'll pass. I'm just always excited to find a breakfast combo that suits me and so this morning when I woke up, after reflecting in wonder over my first sugar free day, my second thought was to my mix. At least for the moment my food obsession is focusing on a healthy item!

Good news # 3 (bonus) is that we have an absolutely perfect, beautiful late spring feeling day today, with no humidity. High in low 80s! We'll have a few of these before the next heat wave, and I'm taking advantage. I plan to walk my 5 mile loop this afternoon as soon as I get off work.

Finally - I'm curious. I'm love carrots, but confess to being a carrot snob. I hate baby carrots. They don't taste near as good or have quite the same crunch as good old California REAL carrots. But a friend told me I'm ridiculous, so I'm taking a very scientific poll: Baby Carrots or Adult? Inquiring minds want to know!

Do you have reservations?

2011-07-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

Actually, I do have a few...reservations, that is. Not about losing weight...of course I want to lose weight. But truth be told, I'm realizing that what I'd REALLY like is to be struck thin, much like I'd like to walk out to the mailbox and find a decree informing me that a long lost relative had bequeathed me his/her entire multi-million dollar fortune, and I only had to go to Lawyer X's office to collect.

Obviously neither of these things is going to happen. But if I could choose between the 2, I think I'd pick being "struck" thin, as I'm fairly certain I'd handle being thin a lot better than being rich. Or would I?

I walked my local state park's 5 mile loop on Saturday, just me and canine Wally, and thought a lot about abstinence, 12 step programs, weight loss, overeating...all the things I've been talking about lately. And it occurred to me that while I am certain about wanting to lose 40 pounds (though 30 would be great), I'm sketchy about wanting to do all that it might take to actually lose them, at least given my recent and current mindset about accepting my food addiction as a real entity that needs special unique attention of the 12 step or Overeaters Anonymous variety.

There are aspects of the weight loss journey that I don't resist. Exercise is one of them...I genuinely enjoy exercising, walking, the elliptical, strength training, etc. I've never minded exercising. I also am pretty good about food prep on Sundays for the week ahead. I love healthy food - veggies, fruit, lean protein, whole grains.

The part that I still know I'm resistant to is giving up certain things like sugar and white flour. First, the white flour: I haven't bought white bread EVER, so it's not that kind of white flour product of which I speak. It's the crackers, chips and other ~~junk~~ not so healthy items that are purveyed as snacky foods. For many folks, that stuff truly isn't entirely "junk", because they can enjoy it in moderate amounts, whatever that term means. But for me it simply is, because I know and accept that I can't eat it without following with a binge soon after.

Same with sugared items, of which there are countless. Some masquerade their high sugar content in things like ketchup, barbecue sauce, high fiber cereal, and of course the more blatant presentations of cookies, cakes, pies, candy. Duh.

Again, I KNOW. I ACCEPT. So when I decide to have a serving, or a bite or a taste of any of those things, I don't even bother telling myself "THIS time I'm stopping after this taste." Nah, don't go through the false denial act, because I know what I'm doing when I do it. I'm choosing to give myself carte blanche to eat what-I-want-that-isn't-in-my-best-interest for the rest of the day. With this behavior, the best results are when I hold off til after dinner, because I'm always in bed pretty early (from being up at 4:30 each day) and the time frame of my getting into other stuff is short. And I can honestly say that once in awhile I can eat a known binge food and not get triggered, though usually that's not the case.

In order to lose the weight, I am going to have to abstain from those red light foods. I want to lose weight, so where's the disconnect? Is it not what I'm eating but "what's eating me"? This is where my title comes from...what are my reservations about? I'm not sure and I'm not coming up with much. Is my weight "working" for me somehow? I don't think so. Am I just heavy but not so much that I'd rather stay where I am and keep enjoying stuff that isn't good for me? My size 16 body is definitely overweight, but it's better than the 18-20 I was at my highest weight several years ago...is that what's at the core of my resistance?

All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere. I know from AA that it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting. I'm living proof, and as I've said before, I really won't have access to my inner landscape as long as I'm periodically bingeing and stuffing my thoughts and feelings.

My intention for today is to eat no sugar or white flour. I will be back tomorrow to report honestly that I did (or whatever the truth is) achieve that goal.

Important things

2011-07-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say this week has set me firmly on a new path (or that I've set myself firmly on a new path) regarding overeating, but alas - not yet true. I still find myself thinking about food waaaaay too often, especially when I'm not eating it. It feels like food thinking is synonymous with breathing for me at times

This reminds me of obsessing about alcohol when I first stopped drinking...I actually ranted at a meeting one night that I felt wackier than I was when I was drinking, because at least THEN I wasn't utterly tormented by thoughts, plans and fantasies of drinking. I also told THEM (those other drunks!) that I wasn't NOT drinking for myself...I was not drinking because they'd been nice to me, and I didn't want to dissapoint them...and furthermore, I knew that was the wrong way to be trying to stop drinking because I was supposed to be doing it for myself. You bet I gave them a piece of my mind.

(Looking back, it's clear that I was hoping they'd kick me out, so I could go back to drinking, "sanctioned" by the recovering folks who told me I didn't have the right attitude and shouldn't be there.)

Guess what - the first thing I heard was, "Thanks for sharing! Keep coming back!" What a bunch of losers, I thought. At halftime a few minutes after my share, I was inundated by kind understanding folks who told me a couple of important things that really helped me that night, suggesting to me that perhaps THEY weren't all a bunch of losers - rather that they'd been just where I was and were certain I could find recovery.

Important thing #1 was that it made perfect sense that I was aware of the obsession to drink screeching at me from inside my head and from every cell in my body. I felt the obsession because I wasn't drinking it away. No anesthesia from emotional withdrawal that didn't show up until I was several months without a drink. They assured me the obsession would lessen and encouraged me to keep ~~whining~~ talking about it.

Important thing #2 was that the obsession and compulsion couldn't get worse unless I fed them...with booze. They suggested that if I fed them, not only would it get worse, it would stengthen the obsession and lengthen the time it would take for it to dissipate the next time I tried to quit - that is IF I still had the desire to quit. Having a desire to stop is a gift, and if squandered may never return. Then it becomes near impossible to stop drinking.

Important thing #3 was that it was okay that I wasn't trying to not drink for them, or for anybody else. It was okay if I was doing it to save a marriage or for my kids...and it didn't matter if it wasn't for me. Why?Because for an alcoholic, THERE'S NO BAD REASON TO NOT PICK UP A DRINK! And if I didn't drink a day at a time for whatever reason, eventually I'd discover I was doing it for myself.

Yep, those damn "losers", of whom I'm one, gave me some fantastic food for thought that night that continues to inform me today. I can apply all those important things, along with volumes of other wisdom I've learned over the years in AA, to my struggle with food addiction. I swear, sometimes I end up eating a bunch of crap after dinner following a day that was entirely ON PLAN, because the food thoughts and desire to binge start intruding. Once I have "one compulsive unplanned bite" of anything, the thoughts diminish and I feel the volume in my addicted brain turn way down. And I've fed the compulsion, strengthened it, and lengthened the time the obsession will persist the next time. Eventually, one has to sit through an obsessive thought without feeding it in order to begin the process of emotionally weaning from the behavior.

The reason I'm saying all this today (some of which I've said before) is because last night, after an excellent, on plan day, I "decided" to have some ice cream. Had I stopped at even a medium dish and nothing else, it would have been fine. But after the cold, creamy and sweet, I "decided" to go for crispy and salty in the form of a flavor of potato chip I don't even like...because it was there. I had 2 napkins full of chips. Gheesh! All I had to do was not have the first bite of the ice cream.

And it's okay that I want to lose weight to look better and wear great clothes...right now more than I want peace with food, freedom from compulsion and the prison of overeating. Because when - NOT IF - I put together many days at a time of abstinence from overeating, I suspect that I'll find enough rewards that are internal, as well the external ones.

The food program I did a few years ago had a saying I liked: "I came for the vanity, and stayed for the sanity." Sounds pretty good to me.

Hanging on to the baby as the bathwater drains out

2011-07-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

This has been a lovely 4th of July so far - I went to my usual AA meeting this morning, which was great, and then walked the 5 mile Ridley Creek State Park loop with my dear friend and sponsor Lisa. She's the friend about whom I've written several times - she is now (this month) 3 years out from a diagnosis of Stage 4 Lung cancer, and doing remarkably well. (Hell, being able to walk 5 miles is sufficient evidence of that!) She is at a point where she has what is know as "stable disease", meaning there is still cancer present in her body (specifically spine, hip and lung), but it is lying dormant and not active thanks to a designer chemotherapy drug called Tarceva. She's been through an unbelievable amount of treatment and drama with this diagnosis and has faced it all will courage and dignity. And OPTIMISM! Quite amazing. Being a witness to her journey with this affliction has been inspiring and instructive to me in a thousand ways.

Back many years ago before Lisa got sober, she had food issues as well and did OA for a period of time. She still deals with occasional desires to use food as an emotional salve so she is a wonderful resource for me about my own food issues. I was telling her about my most recent conversations with the woman from OA I talked about in my last post as well as my dialogue in the comments yesterday with Vickie from Baby Steps V, and Lisa reassured me by saying that the main requirement for me in finding peace with food and abstinence from bingeing and compulsive overeating is to get as honest as possible with myself about my trigger and binge foods and to avoid them entirely. Of course, establishing a daily food plan is vital, and then sticking to it (as Vickie noted). And she also reminded me that mindfulness is key - paying attention not only to my eating, but to my thinking as it relates to eating. This is where I get the most bolluxed up.

Once the thought of a non-planned food enters my consciousness, I just sort of accept that eventually in that day I'm going to eat it. Rather than reminding myself that "that food isn't on the plan today, and remember you will have your dinner coming up in a few hours...", or distracting myself in some way. Whatever - putting off the inevitable shoving down of food in favor of waiting until the next designated and sanctioned eating time (like the next meal or planned snack) can help begin to interrupt the deep grooves in my brain that automatically respond to a food thought by eating. And when my inner binge monster protests and kicks up the compulsion several notches because I'm not responding to the usual food cues, (which WILL happen) be curious about and attempt to investigate what is behind the "urge to gorge".

I've noted before that as long as I give in and eat an unplanned food that sets off more eating, I'll never have access to the emotions and content behind the addictive urge to eat. This is the place where there is a disconnect between my desire for wholeness, wellness and weight loss and my programmed behavior of reaching for food. I have to put in a mindful pause, which I often don't. And if it occurs to me to do that - I've been known to ignore that mindful higher self.

None of this is new material, but what is different is that I've committed to using Lisa as an OA sponsor/resource for awhile. She gets my hesitance and knee jerk uh-uh reaction to the rigidity of certain aspects of OA and it's followers. However, she also thinks I can should attend an OA meeting once a week for the support of folks with the food issue, and I agree. I don't have to get a sponsor there - or a food plan, or a set of dos and don'ts about every aspect of my eating. But I can get a lot from listening to others who share the same issue, so I've agreed to one meeting a week for now, as well as establishing a food plan that excludes my big trigger foods of sugar and white flour for now. If other foods turn up to be problematic, I'll deal with it at the time.

I've had a good couple of days in this regard. I greatly appreciate that support and bloggy love of you all that encourages me to keep on working at this. I will succeed, and it'll be in part because of a little help from my friends.

Update on my journey

2011-07-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a mixed bag for me this week in the eating realm. I've had a couple good days and a couple meh days. I did weigh in this morning since it's the first day of the month, and say 208.4 staring up at me. And would you believe it was with relief I saw that number? It could have been worse. Of course I wanted it to be better. It's in my hands - to a large degree - what the number is on the first day of August. It's entirely doable to be back into Onederland, of which I've been in pursuit for too long....again.

So - after all my talk of 12 step groups and maybe reconnecting with a food 12 step program, I'm here to say that I'm still not on board with it. I had a conversation with an OA friend of one of my AA buddies a few weeks back, and it was a great conversation. She's been in OA and working a food program for 25 years or so, and has thus encountered many folks like me over the years who started out in AA, are entrenched in the AA fellowship and find OA unsatisfactory for a zillion reasons. She actually talked like an AA person, and said that she uses the Big Book (the essential basic text for the AA program) as her main source of info for working her program. She sounded real, and flexible. I came away from the conversation feeling good, and like perhaps I could incorporate one OA meeting a week into my life for the food and eating support, and not get bogged down in "musts", "shoulds", and "don't evers".

This gal has a lot going on and so wasn't able to "sponsor" me (basically serve as a guide and support in navigating the program, etc), but she gave me the number of another woman she said was "awesome" and that she thought I'd really relate to and appreciate. This woman has 26 years in AA, and started in the food program 10 years ago. I finally got around to calling this other woman about 2 weeks ago, and within 5 minutes knew she was NOT going to be a person with whom I could have a comfort level and begin gradually changing my eating behaviors. She was a self-proclaimed rigid follower of the program, who insisted on certain things if she was going to work with someone. Things like weighing and measuring every bite that goes into the body - even in restuarants. She still does it 10 years into her abstinence and says it's given her true freedom. Things like never ever spontaneously popping even a raw vegetable into her mouth while preparing food, because it could trigger spontaneous eating behavior. There was a lot more - but you get the idea.

This woman was very nice, and I appreciated her being up front with me from the very beginning. She started by asking me about my eating history and attempts at recovery. When I mentioned 3 times in my spiel about experience with very rigid followers of food programs, I guess she knew I wasn't going to be a good match for her, either. I totally respect her ability and desire to stay the course completely as she's been doing it for ten years. It's working for her. But as she described her own journey first into AA and then into OA, it was clear that she is a completely different kind of person than I am. I have been talking to her occasionally via email and she's willing to offer me suggestions and support, but I'm not on her page. (I was going to say "the right page", but I'm not sure she's necessarily right and I'm not. Rather, I'm not as desperate as she felt when she came into either AA or OA.)

Hmmm. That statement of not feeling desperate says something to me - Yes, I want to weigh less. I have lost weight before and felt better about myself, then gained some back. I've never gained back to my all time high which was 237. I feel a general trend toward improvement, toward increased willingness to give up certain foods that I know I will never be able to successfully handle. I desire to find true peace with food. But I'm not desperate enough to be willing to weigh and measure food in restaurants. To call someone everyday and commit my food for the day to them, with the understanding that if there is a change in the plan for the day, I must also call that in and report to the sponsor. Basically I'm not desperate enough to do what she's doing to get the results she's getting.

In AA, I encounter many people who feel this way about alcohol, and their lives are pretty messed up as a result. I have pretty firm boundaries about sponsoring people, and one of the boundaries is that I can't really help someone if they're still drinking. It doesn't work. So I understand how a solid recovering food addict following certain guidelines feels the same way about someone who still is using food at times for other than physical nourishment.

Where does this leave me? Actually, I feel okay about it all. I believe there is much from OA's literature, program and members I can learn and benefit from. I don't have to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I know myself pretty well at the ripe age of 57 (soon to be 58), and to again try and conform myself to behaviors and strategies that don't feel right to me is futile. I'm going to continue to do my best to lose weight, gain fitness, exercise daily, and stay on this path to my best self (another Oprah reference?). I believe it's possible for this blogger to find success on a slightly more circuitous path with flexibility. Maybe it's denial. Or defiance. But really, I think it's just me. Still a food addict. Still unable to successfully negotiate certain foods and hopefully leaving them OUT. Attending an occasional OA meeting to see how it feels. And able to eat in restaurants without bringing along my measuring cups, spoons and scale.

Have a great 4th of July. Hubby and I are empty nesters this weekend, so perhaps a movie date, some long walks, and lots of chill-axin'! And definitely some fireworks :)

am I REALLY a morning person?

2011-06-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've always considered myself a morning person. As a tot, tween, teen and beyond I've never been one to sleep in much, often to my mom's consternation in the tot and tween years. I remember her dropping me off at sleep overs and warning the host mom that I was an early riser, which helped me feel like some kind weirdo about my morning perkiness. It's not like when I was at sleepovers I'd get up and roam the family's house or raid the fridge or anything...I'd just lay there and make conspicuous noises and such, trying to awaken my friend. Anyway - this tendency to awaken early has only increased and gotten earlier in the last 6 years or so, maybe related to the demise of my visits from Aunt Flo.

On the flip side of the day - I've also never had any trouble falling asleep at night. I'm " a sleeping before my head hits the pillow" kind of gal and always have been. "Early to bed, early to rise..." is the way I'm hard-wired, and I'm pretty happy about that.

My difficulty these days is staying awake much past 8:30, and my snarky kids and husband would snicker at me claiming 8:30 as my witching hour. It's partially because I'm up well before the butt-crack of dawn everyday - think 4:30-4:45. Unless I'm out at night doing something (other than sitting in a darkened theater watching a movie, which I don't do for this reason), I feel heaviness collect in my eyelids around 8, (okay, 7:30) compelling me to horizontilize myself, which signals a very short descent into the land of Morpheus. This aspect of my Benjamin Franklin lifestyle is frustrating at times, because it's genuinely hard for me to make it up for a show that airs at 9 pm or later. Starbux helps - tho I've been known to fall asleep without difficulty after a double shot latte at 5 p.m.!

Back in the days when I stayed up later, or half the night even, I still tended to wake up early. And always, ALWAYS, I've been uber-productive and perky in the mornings. Not crazed, not manic, just very productive. Literally and figuratively. Under the literal category, I get things done. I have energy and don't mind countless trips down to the basement to throw in a load of clothes, then up 2 flights to put done clothes away. Then back downto straighten up, do something related to the dinner hour that will inevitably come later, sort recycling, endless tasks that don't bother me one bit in the the morning. Not one bit.

Alright then. The #1 confounding aspect of being a morning person is that all these same tasks, regardless how simple, mindless or even appealing they were between 5 and 8 a.m. become way beyond my interest, ability or desire to perform once the clock inches past about 2:30 in the afternoon, which is the time I get off work each day. Given my lengthy commute of 5 mintues, I enter through the kitchen door by 2:35, at which time the dog rouses himself from his 4th or 5th daily power nap to greet me, receive his babylove and remind me to take him for a walk. For this I have energy and interest - even desire. When it's freezing cold, my desire to trek more than a mile or so wanes, but generally the dog walk is a go.

After that - forget it. Anything other than chores absolutely necessary to survival seems monumental or impossible at worst, expendable at best. Even things I really wanted and planned to do that morning. Planned and INTENDED to do. Of course I can muster up the ooomph to jump into what I'd planned to do instead of an answering the call of the couch and my book, knitting or the remote control - but more often than not I don't.

Don't get me wrong - leisure engineering isn't a bad thing, and I don't harbor any notion I need to be productive every waking moment. I can build in down time for myself with the best of 'em. But it's frustrating to plan with all my heart to do something I want to do and needs to be done only find my bio-rhythms or some cosmic glitch renders me in need of a virtual kick in the ass to get into gear after my work day. And this brings me to the #2 confounding aspect of being a morning person...the figurative part.

During my productive early mornings when I'm physically engaged in tasks and chores, my mind and soul are active as well. I plan, desire and fervently intend to have a clean healthy day with food. To meditate. To not overeat, or binge. Pray more. Exercise. I feel full of hope, enthusiasm and optimism that I can and will "live my best day" (thanks, Oprah), and stay the course, keeping my desires for wholeness, health and abundant living at the front of my mind.

But as the day progresses beyond my work hours, just like the plan to scrub the toilets, my personal intentions and focus diminish. I do great and follow my intentions until those late afternoon hours when I find it difficult to remember that I really don't love my body at its current weight; that I do want to have a clean, sugar free day; that I want to exercise, pray, meditate, tend to my soul...whatever. This happens day after day, ad nauseum. I think I could accept my tendency to not be able to engage in the planned household chores later in the day if I didn't also become murky and fuzzy about my plans for the less concrete but more important personal goals.

You all know AA uses the Serenity Prayer as one of its main tenets; "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." There are things about myself I KNOW I can change. I just need to remember I want to change them when I'm tired, lazy or unmotivated. Or when something is gnawing at me from within that I'm not even aware of. I need to remember that when I try to convince myself I don't really want what I know I'll want again tomorrow morning and definitely definitely wanted this morning, I still do want it and some unrealized emotion or struggle is trying to sabotage me. I need to find a way to keep my intentions alive and on the front burner when I "forget" them temporarily. This is a work in progress, like I am.

The good news is that I get a chance to revisit this each day. Each day begins with a morning, and I am, afterall, a morning person.

One lousy bite

2011-06-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

I had a good day yesterday that was 100% binge-free. There was absolutely no overeating involved either. I got a 3 mile walk in with a friend as well. All in all, a hell of a lot better day than many I've had of late. I think finally starting to write in the blog in more detail about my food addiction was therapeutic. I felt somehow lighter - cleansed if you will, in the way that a gut wrenching therapy session can be so cathartic.

It's always good to have a "good" day, but it felt like even more of an accomplishment as we went out to dinner as it was my daughter's last night home before she goes back to the Dominican Republic today. We did a lot of good healthy cooking while she was here, so eating out freed us up from planning, shopping, preparing, and CLEANING UP. Also, my husband belongs to a golf club that requires a certain amount of $ to be spent in their dining facility, and if you don't use it that way, you pay anyway. So we killed several birds with one stone last night...and I behaved and made excellent choices. Yay Me!

First - I did not have even a molecule of their good hot bread, which I always us as a vehicle upon which to get too much yummy butter into my mouth. Ahh butter - one of life's pleasures, right up there with bacon! Good choice #1. Second, I ordered a wonderful salad that had slivered green apples, chopped roasted pecans, tons of spring mix greens, and crumbled bleu cheese with an orange vinaigrette dressing. I never use more than a tsp. of dressing, which makes it one of the few potential land mines I don't have to worry about.

Good choice #3 - I didn't see a whole lot on the menu that I was interested in, so I asked if they had salmon that could just be baked...and they did! It was excellent, served over fresh spinach and lightly coated on top with pesto. A large ice-cream scoop plop of white rice came on the side, which I gave to my son. I'm not a huge rice person, and white rice is totally expendable in my book. I cut my salmon portion in half to bring home for my lunch salad today, and wouldn't you know I left it at the restaurant :-(. No big deal, but I was disappointed with my forgetful self.

Good choice #4 - No dessert. This place has some great desserts - they bring out a tray with an array of available desserts, and last night out of 5 selections, 4 had booze in them in one way or another. It was easy to say no. Hubby and son brought their blackberry bottomed cheese cake home to eat while watching the Phillies get their asses kicked out of St. Louis.

The one thing I did have that I said I'm going to omit was a regular size water ice at Rita's. Jean and I decided she needed one final Rita's visit before leaving the USA. I had key lime ice, and that was it. Water ice does not ever set off craving for more sugar - not sure why, but it's always been safe for me. Still, it's my intention to omit all sugar. That was the only sugar I had yesterday, and it was just right and just enough.

Sounds like a honeymoom phase, yes? We'll see. One day at a time. I feel strong and food thought free so far today - but we all know that a food obsession can literally emerge from nowhere and insistently begin gnawing at one's resolve and determination. I have plenty of resources and tools to resist, if I choose to use them. My tool du jour that I've been reflecting on is:
"Remember you only have to abstain from the first compulsive bite. One bite only." Without the first compulsive, unplanned, risky bite, it's much less likely that a really strong hard craving will set in that is hell to try and resist. I don't have to resist and leave out a whole sleeve of cookies or a quart of icecream...I only have to not have the first bite. This advice is the equivalent of not setting foot in an arena with a lion on the loose. I won't have to fight him (it) off if I don't enter the ring.

And really, after the first bite, the rest never tastes like much. It becomes just a stuffing of food with the resultant stuffing and numbing of feelings and thoughts. Once that first bite is on board, for this addict, I've already lost.

That's it from me today. I hope to keep it clean, healthy and real so I can come back tomorrow and report it. Have a great w/e everyone.

Baby's first addiction (caution: LONG post)

2011-06-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's not my intention to become a weekly blogger, but that seems to be how this is playing out for now. My work has gotten busier as we add more clients to our program, and there is the added sword of Damocles that is our annual licensing by the state of PA the will occur next Tuesday and Wednesday. It is a very big deal because without their "approval", we can be shut down. We'll be fine, but it's always a stressful time.

I have done 75% of my posting from work over the last 3 years, but that is just not possible now unless I shut my door and refuse to respond to the persistent knocks and phone calls! Not the best action plan for a nurse. I've been starting posts on a daily basis in my head, but they haven't made it to the computer screen much less the publish button. Today I decided to not go to my 7 a.m. meeting so I could have some time to breathe, slow down and at least begin a post. Wouldn't you know my coffee pot decided to have a mission failure this morning and cause coffee grounds and water to overflow all over my counter and on to the floor?!

Anyway, the best way to start is simply to say something related to my food addiction. How about, "I'm Leslie and I'm a food addict." (As Chris M. says, Thank you Captain Obvious!) That's the most important thing for me to know, if not to say. And in the last couple of months I've come to KNOW this at a much deeper level than before. In the last month we've had a family wedding/inevitable family reunion in Kentucky that was great. There was food galore, emotions galore and many gatherings and events in which to watch myself operate from my place of chronic feelings of "less than" with this family of whom I am an essential and well loved member. I can take in my place of belonging, and know that I'm loved and appreciated. I believe it in my head - completely. But at a deeper level, vapors of "less than" and "apart from" still haunt, and distort reality. I've operated from this place my whole life, though have gotten better and better over the years, especially since I began recovery in AA.

You hear similar things in AA rooms often - recovering folks talking about how they always felt different from everyone else, even in the face of clear evidence to the contrary. That sense of being different is neither accurate nor rational. But it's very real.

Are addicts wired that way? Is it programmed into our hard drives, or even more fundamentally...our DNA? Were we mistreated or neglected in childhood? It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that feeling shitty about oneself is a bad feeling, and human ingenuity has helped addicts (as well as plenty of non-addicts) discover ways of tamping down bad feelings, even before you actually experience them. In fact, it's very possible to totally obliterate those bad feelings so well that you really "forget" you have them. I've said before that food was my first addiction, though obviously I didn't identify it as such.

After many years of sobriety, while knowing that I have "issues" with food, I am seeing that my issues are more than a collection of bad habits around food. My thinking and behavior related to eating and food is really kinda nutty. Not all the time, but often. Binges are ugly things to live through, though at their beginning is often a heady sense of relief - an "ahhhhhhh" that for the next 5 minutes, or hour, evening or even a whole day and beyond, I won't have to wrestle with the annoying and bedeviling thoughts that come with food obsession and any addictive process. I've seen it clearly in myself in the last couple of months more clearly than ever before, and so it's in the forefront of my consciousness.

At AA meetings when we're reading AA literature (there's a lot of it, but especially the Big Book, which is the basic text of the program), where we're reading about the "exact nature" of alcoholism, I now can truly substitute food and eating and relate. Just the way I did about booze in the beginning. For example, we read about someone sneaking away from a lovely gathering of family and friends so they can do some "real" drinking unobserved by the gathered, then to return in an altered and numb state. Did it with booze. With food? Check.

Just this week I was hanging out with my daughter, son and husband in our den - having a good time, laughing our asses off. I think a feeling began to emerge about dreading Jean's departure back to the Peace Corps later in the week. Or something...because suddenly my actual presence with them in the moment was derailed by wanting to do some "real eating", that they didn't see. Now realize my family has NEVER ONE TIME "noticed" or criticized my eating - EVER. No need to hide - except my addictive mind felt the associated shame of an impending binge. I was already doing a little noshing of chips and salsa (big mistake as there aren't enough chips in the world to fill the hole in the soul - which I forgot because I was pretending I was a normal eater, and once I introduced chips into my body the inevitable reaction was set in motion).

What did I do? I invented an errand "I remembered", and went out to the local convenience store and bought 2 Tasty Kakes and ate them right up. Then came back home and rejoined the already in progress chillaxin' that I'd just left - but with the aforementioned "ahhhhhhh" that sort of paved the way for the rest of the day to be food obsession free, because I just ate what I wanted the rest of the day. I didn't do any more crazy eating, but was unshackled from my mind chatter of "do it", "don't do it".

(One little example from an encyclopedia of them - I'm sure it sounds like I'm ready to shipped off to the loony bin - but trust me when I say that's addiction. It's embarrassing to admit. It's the truth. And allegedly the truth will set me free.)

Here's the rub...I knew what I was doing as I did it, especially given my new found acceptance of the fact that I'm not normal when it comes to eating. Once you know something, you can't NOT know it. So I did my little binge thing with full awareness, a bit of shame, and increasing awareness that I really need to address this. And that I'm getting closer to addressing it in the best way I know of to deal with addiction - a 12 step based approach that begins with abstinence from offending substances.

I've mentioned a post or 2 back that I did go to an OA meeting. It was okay - less awful and annoying than I remembered. It is one that I believe I could go back to for reasons I'll talk about in another post. For now, it is my intention to give up sugar in all forms and white flour for starters, and go to that one meeting a week. I can't wrap myself around weighing and measuring everything I put in the temple, though I already do that with certain things because it's convenient and helps with portion control. I still hate rigidity, but several people, including blogger Vickie from BabyStepsV have noted that my aversion to "rigidity" may be another of my addiction's tactics for keeping me away from true recovery. Striving to keep an open mind on that one. I appreciate honest reactions from others about my schtick...when it comes to food, my thinking is distorted. I may not like being called on my bullshit, but I genuinely appreciate when it's honest and well-intentioned.

Finally - I do intend to begin posting each day, even if it's just a paragraph or 2, to chronicle this new phase of my journey. I'm having a hard time building my own momentum with honest blogging when I'm so sporadic. This time it's really for me. And that means it may not be pretty. But I can't not know the truth of myself now that I've been given the gift of true awareness of the status of my relationship with food. I know I can be freed from that obsession just as I've been freed from alcohol obsession, and that's what I want.

Quickie resurfacing, and NOT from the abyss

2011-06-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is literally a fly by post to say I'm here, I'm doing pretty well and still a blogger! My daughter and younger son are both home now, plus we had one of Jean's Peace Corps friends for a few days, so life has been busy. I'm yearning to get back to regular blogging of both the giving and receiving kinds, but between work and home busy-ness, it's just not happening.

I have a lot to share about, including my impression of an OA meeting I attended Saturday. I continue to have new insights about the exact nature of my eating dysfunction, and am having better food days. Slooowly and entirely without perfection. It feels good to sense a deep shifting and new acceptance about food, eating, my appearance, and other assorted and related body, mind and spirit matters. Definitely painful (emotionally) at times - but it feels right, honest and real.

Unfortunately, I can't stay on for too long (sounds like we're having a phone chat!), but I just wanted to make a brief appearance so you guys don't unfriend me or write me off or think I've fallen head first into a vat of sugary murk. Hopefully I'll get back by the end of the week with one of my usual yawn inducing, over-sharing and epic-length posts. Til then - hasta la vista, and hopefully sooner than "la vista"!

A reconnection fly-by

2011-06-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

When I wrote my last post (about food addiction), I was going to vow to post at least a couple of sentences every day about how I'm doing as I begin to emerge from the warm fuzzy womb of denial and strive to at last accept and navigate my disordered eating once and for all. Good thing I didn't make that pledge, huh? I honestly haven't had free chunks of time sufficient to journal all my crap for you to read. But know that I have been thinking about it all a lot, doing a little better with eating, and "hearing" differently the things that are discussed in AA meetings about alcoholism.

Food as substitute for booze. Doesn't give the same buzz, but does provide a body suit (literally as well as figuratively - oops, there's another "no pun intended"!) of anesthesia and blurring of reality that must be doing something for me - else why would I continue with the ingestion of mass quantities when hunger is no where on the horizon, much less in my stomach?...

The biggest thing I've done since writing that post is that I've talked to a couple of good friends about it - trying to admit the exact nature of my eating behavior. It's very difficult, because for this blogger, overeating and abusing food is so SHAMEFUL. My shame about it is huge, and even typing that causes my eyes to moisten.

Some internal shift has happened that has brought me to a new bottom emotionally with this issue. I've weighed as much as 22 pounds more than I do now. I've been more out of control with food. I don't know why I have been blessed with this clarity at this juncture. But I'm grateful; I have a wonderful connection with the 12 step program of AA that has everything I need to begin to address my dysfunctional relationship with food at virtually every level. I don't want to slip back under the covers with my myriad binge foods and say to myself, "THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M DOING THIS".

I don't think I have the emotional where with all to continue the insanity with food - but I also know my addictive self and my limitless capacity to self-inflict pain and sabotage. So just like I wouldn't say, "I'll never drink again" even though I feel very strong in my alcohol recovery, I also won't say it wouldn't be possible for me to lapse back into full on eating insanity. For today I'm good. I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

This is longer than I planned but I wanted to catch up a bit. I do plan on posting more frequently now that the wedding from last weekend (wonderful) is over and we're back to life in the medium lane. I 'm looking forward to not trying to sound better than I am. I'm going for real now - it's time.

Insanity is insane. You may quote me.

2011-06-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm having another early "Friday" because we're leaving early tomorrow to drive to Berea, KY for a family wedding, so this was a very non-taxing 2 day work week. I think if I ever run for political office, my platform will be "A 2 day work week for all!" Wouldn't that just be dandy? Of course, under my reign, all salaries and compensation would be unaffected by the shorter week. Surely that would be doable?

Truth be told, I'm a person who needs the structure of a full work week. I always enjoy a week or two off, not to mention an occasional mental health day when the going gets tough. But overall, my regular full time job keeps me anchored in the big picture of each week, and I'm grateful for that, as well as for having a good job in the first place. Too much unstructured free time can make Leslie a wacky woman, and I'm not kidding. Endless free time invariably renders me immobile to get started doing all the things I fantasize about doing "if I only had time"...so I don't do anything because the possibilities overwhelm me. But when I have a week off ever few months or so, I can be more productive and focused. Part time leisure engineering is all I can handle!

Enough "intro" meandering. I'm going to talk about addiction here; if you're not really a food addict you may want to skip this. For the last week and a half, I've been struggling with food - or rather with wanting to eat. Hunger has nothing to do with this wanting, so I know my food addiction is alive and well. I've mostly done okay - not having crazy binges but also eating more than I need for nourishment and optimal physical functioning. And the struggle - the not giving in to the overwhelming food thoughts, makes me restless, irritable and discontent. Bitchy? Oh yeah - and I've got witnesses. Obsession of the mind, which is a hallmark of addiction. I simply think about food all the time. Which makes NOT OVEREATING very hard.

My AA sponsor, Lisa, who has had food issues in her past, said to me last week, "If, when you eat, it's not meal time and/or your not hungry, you're eating emotion." She's right.

The thing about having long term recovery in a 12 step program like AA is that you learn...you come to KNOW, that recovery is not just about not drinking (or engaging in whatever is your poison) though of course it's first and foremost always about not drinking.. Early on that's ONLY what it's about, but the whole 12 step program is about learning to LIVE happily, joyously and freely WITHOUT using. You can be physically clean of alcohol for decades, but if you're crabby, restless, feeling deprived and haven't changed anything BUT not using your substance, you're not really LIVING SOBER, nor reaping the immense rewards of living free from a previous obsession that was powerful, omnipresent and destructive in your existence.

Whenever I have a period of sanity with food (and I've had many over the last 30 years), I am always aware of what I'm not eating, or I'm missing having a load of junk food to just graze over; and knowing that I'll likely return to that binge way of life eventually...with the delusion that I'll be able to control it THIS TIME, because of the lost weight, my happiness over getting in better shape, I'm certain I've finally licked the "food problem"...fill in the delusional blank. What a crock of horse manure.

Now this is very similar to giving up drinking - where you crave alcohol - either physically, psychologically or both. And then you miss it - like grieving the loss of a friend, because for many of us who have given up drinking, we essentially have lost a best friend in the bottle. And you start feeling the pull of the booze..."come back, Leslie, I'm still here waiting for you. Come on, you know you want to."

This is where having a program of recovery is so helpful, if not essential, for an addict - steps and strategies to get through the loss of booze as 1) fixer of all things in life 2) an always available companion, 3) effective way go away without leaving the room, etc . And a huge fellowship of similarly afflicted souls trying to navigate the common enemy. That's the greatest aspect of AA - the people. Most trying to do the same thing.

Where I'm going with all this is that I'm aware that while I'm a beacon of recovery when it comes to alcoholism, I'm a work in progress AT BEST regarding my food addiction. I'm not getting better - I'm floundering and hanging on by the skin of my teeth (on the rare occasions when they aren't chewing something decadent). And THAT'S when I'm doing well. Not good. Not happy, joyous and free.

It doesn't have to be that way. I know that from AA. Anyone who's read my blog for awhile knows I have a history of trying 12 step food recovery programs, like OA and FAA, and that I really have hated them and their rigid serious buzzkilling members. But I'm starting to realize that the biggest buzzkiller in my life right now is my food addiction. Where most of my life is in good shape with a great family, many friends, some solid spiritual grounding, when it comes to food and overeating I'm a mess. I'm not getting better and I want to.
In AA they talk about being willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. I'm hitting a place where I'm becoming willing to consider being will to go to any lengths to stop overeating.

With that in mind, I've been talking to a woman in OA who has long term food recovery. That is to say that she has abstained from her trigger foods, one day at a time, for over 20 years. She still eats lots of good food. She just doesn't eat what she can't handle successfully. At all. It sounds rigid, but when I get honest, is my life really going to be negatively impacted if I don't eat sugar or white flour? Will the quality of my days diminish drastically? Unlikely.

I've clung forever to my schtick that I will never give up things I "enjoy" - I will learn how to have a small amount only. More bullshit. I will never want one brownie. One cookie. One small handful of kettle chips. One, or one serving, will never satisfy me. One always has become more. Lot's more, and then the quest for a different taste or texture, and then another, ad nauseum. Except I never get nauseous. My capacity is cavernous. That old definition of insanity comes to mind...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I'm aware today that my choice is to accept and continue to be ruled my affliction and its resultant consequences - overweight, Type 2 Diabetes, hypertension. OR, try to open my mind to the possibility that I could find as much peace with food as I've found with alcohol, by using the same tools to help me break out of the prison of food addiction. I don't want this anymore. It's one thing to say I'm never giving up. It's another to surrender to my truth and pick up tools that have helped me in the past.

Writing this is one way I'm striving to acquire the willingness to go to any length to get well. Many of you have read me long enough to have heard this before. What I've been doing still isn't giving me the desired results. Imagine that.

C'mon Blogger, work with me!

2011-05-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or is Blogger a trifle effed up...again? I just tried to comment on 2 different people's blogs, and Blogger put me through the wringer with having to sign in with email, password and then attributing my comment to "anonymous"! I'm totally offended, Blogger - I've been around these parts close to 3 years, and have never been dubbed anonymous until now. Was it something I said? To be fair, Blogger did "accept" my comment with my actual nom de plume on the next 2 blogs I tried.

It's been a good week, and hump day is almost a wrap, at least as far as work goes. Actually, tomorrow (Thursday) is my Friday this week, because I'm taking real Friday off because to spend a few precious hours with our daughter Jean, who's flying in Thursday night about 11 p.m. from the Dominican Republic to spend a month in the states! Woohoo - it's been entirely too long since we've seen her - 17+ plus months, in fact.

In my epic-ly long dog post on Sunday, I mentioned that she signed on to do an extra 13 months of service in the Peace Corps; and because of that, the PC pays for the volunteers to fly home, and gives them a full month off for Special Leave between the previous and new gig. So her time begins tomorrow, but we won't have her at home (other than about 18 hours from Thursday night to Friday afternoon) until about 2 weeks from now. She is turning around and flying to Miami for a college friend's wedding Friday, then from Miami (I think early next week) she'll fly to Lexington Kentucky for her cousin's wedding, in which she'll be a bridesmaid. Our whole family will be going to the KY wedding on June 4th. From there, Jean will head to Atlanta to see her elderly (93 and 86) grandparents who opted out of the wedding because, as my mother-in-law stated eloquently, "We're old!" After a few days in Atlanta, Jean will do a road trip home with the friend from the Peace Corps who brought Wally (the dog) home while we were in Atlanta a couple weeks ago.

All very exciting, but the best part will be when Jean is actually at home with us for almost 2 full weeks. We always have so much fun just hanging out, cooking, shopping, laughing...you know. Jean is also THRILLED to see Wally...I think she may notice that he's... ahem...filled out a bit. He looked pretty darn lean when he arrived and wasn't a great eater in the DR. Now that he's settled in with us, his appetite is pretty good. American doggie cuisine est tres formidable! Interesting that living in my house has fattened him up a bit. Like "grandma", like granddog, siiigh.

I've definitely been struggling with wanting to eat when I'm not hungry this week. Damn! Why? When does this sh*t stop? Monday was a dismal day where by mid morning at work I decided I was going to have a free day. Don't ask...it wasn't pretty, but didn't yield too much scale damage. However, it DID yield emotional strife, with a smattering of shame and self disgust. Yesterday was much better, and I got a walk in, which helps. I'm on track so far today.

While I was in Atlanta, I ate a lot, didn't restrict or "diet" at all, and managed to lose a few. It was because even though I ate what I wanted with meals, I didn't graze in between, and didn't really want to. On the brief occasions where I did want to, there were people around and so I didn't make countless and mindless trips to the kitchen for...whatever. Now that I'm back home it's been harder, and I'm aware of being unwilling to just say no to myself when the urge to eat something hits, and I know full well I'm not hungry. But I keep working at it and trying to keep my mind occupied with other things.

I just finished a fantastic salad for lunch that I photo'd, just for the hell of it. I'd finished about 1/2 of it before I thought to take it's pic! Contents: butter lettuce, spring mix, radishes, red pepper, celery, carrots, Vidalia onion, 2 oz Trader Joe's lean turkey breast, and 1 oz of Cabot's 50% reduced fat cheddar cheese - dressed with olive oil, lime juice and a touch of balsamic. The Cabot's cheese has been a great find for me - it has a good flavor, and good texture, and feels decadent. A great addition to my work lunches. If you haven't tried it, it's worth it. I'm a reduced fat cheese hater and this is the only one that cuts the mustard!

Well - that's it for me today. I'm determined to get a 3 mile walk in this afternoon before watching the last Oprah show! I'm going to miss the show, but at least I won't have any reason to truncate after work exercising now.

So far today, my inner binge-er is at bay. Send out some positive vibes that she stays at bay. Tonight I have my meditation group, which is always good, so I'm looking forward to that, and I certainly can't eat while I'm meditation in a room with 12-15 other people! Happy Wednesday, all.

Yukky weigh in, yummy dinner anticipation

2011-05-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

I promise to be refreshingly short on verbiage today - after the extreme verbosity of yesterday! Only a couple things to report:

1. Weigh in today was not as horrible as I feared, but still craptastical - 210.0, after being 206.6 last Sunday. The last 3 days I ate all kinds of crap, as well as at least one meal out each day. Today I'm tracking my food - though not my Points+. Have a 3+ mile walk planned with a friend in a couple hours.

2. I came close to expiring this morning...from laughing. Went to see Bridesmaids with a friend - absolutely hysterical. Well cast, well written, well done. Just what I needed - and maybe I even laughed off some calories?!?

3. I'm currently unable to locate my digital camera, which takes much better food pics than my iphone. If it shows up soon I'll take a picture of the crock pot garbanzo bean and assorted vegetables soup I threw together this morning, after soaking dried beans for 24 hours. Never have used dried g. beans before, and I totally winged this concoction - combining ingreds. that sounded good from several googled recipes. I'm optimistic though, because upon entering the house after the movie, the aroma is HEAVENLY.

4. To go with the soup, I'm cooking a big pot of collard greens. My time in Atlanta and eating at a couple of fantastic southern style restaurants rekindled my appetite for veggies cooked southern style - with a little ham or bacon for flavor. Don't worry, I'm keeping it very lean, using thawed ham leftover from Easter. It's cut up fine with all visible fat removed. Be still my stomach! Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I'll report on tonight's labor intensive but totally worth it dinner tomorrow.

A Doggy's Tail

2011-05-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Not surprisingly, it's taken a bit of time for all the pieces to fall in place to enable me to finally write the post about our new canine family member. First my work computer wouldn't allow me to upload photos onto Blogger; unexpected plans came up night before last; and last night when I fully intended to write the post, our internet provider was MIA. I know you've all been waiting with bated breath (not!) to hear the story, but no one has been waiting more fervently and expectantly than our wonderful daughter Jean. And this is where the story begins...with Jean and a little background information about her interesting (and interested!) life.

Many of you already know that our daughter has been serving in the Peace Corps since March 2009 in the Dominican Republic. This has been the realization of a long held dream of Jean's that began when she saw a movie in middle school about the Peace Corps. (If any of this isn't accurate, rest assured Jean will tell me, and probably in the comments following this post! Hi Jeannie!) She's always been a people lover, a people person, and very interested in other cultures, travel, and the world at large (a.k.a. the "Global Community").

After graduating from college in 2006 with a degree in International Relations with a Latin American and Caribbean concentration and a minor in Spanish, Jean worked as an Admissions Counselor at her university for almost 3 years. It was about a year and a half into her time at that job she began talking in earnest about the Peace Corps, and ultimately began the long process of applying, and the longer process of extensive medical clearances once she was accepted. She was (and still is) thrilled with her placement in the DR, because it would allow her to use her Spanish (boy, did it and does it!) and it put her in a beautiful and lush tropical island country with rich heritage and history, as well as a place where the Peace Corps has had a presence since almost the beginning of its existence. In fact, 2011 will mark the 50th anniversary of the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic, and there will be a huge celebration later this year in commemoration.

So - Jean left in early March of 2009 to begin her service, and has loved it from the beginning. After their initial 3 month orientation in the capital city of Santo Domingo, the volunteers were placed in sites (cities, towns, villages, barrios) according to their sector (or area of specialty) where they would spend their time of service, which, by the way, is usually 2 years following orientation. Jean was placed in a little town called Janico, sort of centrally located in the country, where she has worked in Education and Information Technology both helping establish a computer lab at the local high school and teaching both Computer skills and English. There are countless other projects and areas in which she's become involved in her little town as well. Early on she lived with a wonderful local family until she found her own apartment a few months into her stay.

Something, er... someONE else happened early into her time in Janico, actually before she moved into her own apartment. (Trust me, we're getting to the dog =)! )... While Jean was settling in to her town and getting acquainted with it's delightful and friendly inhabitants, one of her volunteer friends, Amanda, placed about an hour north of Jean, was doing the same in her town of Imbert. Amanda was walking through the streets of her town one day and happened upon 4 very young puppies who were huddled together and alone. Concerned and taking notice, Amanda checked early the next day and found the puppies still huddled together, still alone, and likely abandoned by their mother. So she did what any dog loving Peace Corps Volunteer would do....she gathered them up and took them back to her house. Within a very short time, she found homes for 3 of the 4 dogs in some of her closest volunteer buddies - one of whom was Jean.

Jean was thrilled beyond measure to be "chosen" as a doggie mama, and took the responsibility seriously and with crazy love. CRAZY LOVE! She named her quarter of the litter Walker Percy, after a favorite author, calling him "Wally" for short. About a month after she got him, Jean and Wally moved into their own cute little 2 bedroom apartment and set up housekeeping. Wally and Jean have been inseparable ever since. It was roughly September when Jean and Wally got their own place, and 2 months later, Hubby and I went to visit and got to meet our first "grandson", as well as see Jean in action as a PCV. It was a glorious trip that you can read about here, and here . Below are a couple of pics from our visit of the canine of the hour:

The first is Wally and Jean sitting on her bed outside the first of the several mosquito nets Wally managed to ingest over his time in Janico. The second, and my favorite, is Wally as the attentive student while Jean was teaching an English class. When we were in Janico, Wally was about 5 months old - very puppyish, and very adorable. That visit with Jean was stellar. We had a wonderful time and got to meet many of the families and friends of Jean's that welcomed her and looked after her during her time in there. Those same families opened their homes to us as well...fixing incredible meals, fresh fruit drinks on a moment's notice...offering incredible hospitality and kindness to us - just because we were Jean's parents!

You extremely intuitive blog readers have probably figured out that the dog we have now is Wally. What happened is that Jean decided several months ago to extend her time of service in the Peace Corps DR by 13 months, rather than coming home this May as most of the volunteers in her group decided to do. She was given the opportunity to serve as a Volunteer leader for the extra time, meaning that she will be a resource person over newer current volunteers throughout the DR. This position necessitates her moving to the capital, and will require a lot of travel throughout the country so she can visit the many volunteer sites. While in Janico - a very small town, she's had many friends who can keep Wally when Jean has to be away, and the layout and size of the town is such that it's easy to have a dog. Being in the large and busy capital is a different ballgame - lots of traffic, congestion, busy streets, much faster pace, and fewer local connections with whom Jean could leave Wally while she travels extensively.

Soooo - she asked if we would be interested in having Wally during this last year - so she could know he was being well cared for, loved, and doted on in the manner which he'd become accustomed under her Doggie Mama crazy love. We'd been discussing this for quite awhile once Jean made the decision to stay the extra 13 months. This has been an agonizing decision for her because she and Wally have been joined at the hip for the past 21 months, but ultimately she's found peace with it because the short time she had Wally with her in the capital illustrated clearly that it isn't a good arrangement for the dog - or for Jean. So with sadness but certainty of the soundness of the decision, she arranged for Wally's trip to the USA.

The timing of our trip to Atlanta for our youngest's graduation turned out to be perfect and providential, because the aforementioned savior of the original 4 puppies, Amanda, happens to be from Atlanta, and she was flying home (and terminating her Peace Corps service) while we were there last week! She was flying in Friday, the 13th, with her own pup (one of Wally's brothers), so she ended up bringing Wally too. A huge undertaking - bringing 2 dogs back into the country, via baggage claim, from a 2nd world country (at best), through customs...you get the picture. So that Friday, we went to Atlanta airport and met Amanda, her mother, and the 2 dogs, and got Wally to bring home to PA.

Driving to the airport, I was so excited it felt like we were going to adopt a baby from Russia!

Here is the first glimpse of the dogs in baggage claim we saw:

Then:

And:

Followed by:
Seriously - don't tell me dogs don't smile!

Wally spent his first night in the USA at Mark's Bro house, the Double D Ranch. Here he is hangin' with the college grads.

Wally rode home to PA with his Grandpa (aka my hubby), while I flew home, because originally we thought our college grad would be riding home, and the car wasn't big enough for 3 adults, one of whom had a bunch of stuff to bring home from school, plus the dog and his crate. Turns out that after I made my flight reservation, we found out Mark was staying in Atlanta for an extra 10 days to hang out with his friends, so Tom and Wally came home solo, and it went great. Turns out Wally is a much better and more peaceful traveler than Lou was, and it was quite an effortless 12 hour drive for Tom. Wally has a zen nature - a sort of inner calm that Lou never had.

We're loving having Wally - of course he can't replace our dear Lou who we lost about 6 weeks ago, but turns out we were ready for the pitter patter of doggy feet up and down the stairs. We knew we'd have canine love again, but didn't expect it so soon! And we couldn't be happier. He has adjusted quite well, though I'm sure he misses Jean. Turns out he'll see her in less than a week as she's coming home for a family wedding and will be with us for several weeks. I absolutely cannot wait to see her!!

Thank you so much for slogging through this long post - if you did. If not, I understand. Truth be told, this post is mainly for our dear Jean, who has been missing her baby, calling daily to check as to his well being, grilling us about whether Wally seems depressed, lonely, traumatized....the answer to each is no....and trusting us to love him as much as she does. She's been waiting patiently to see the above pictures of Wally since he deplaned in Atlanta - and finally she can.

Have a great weekend, and after this I'll be back to blogging as usual, beginning with my Sunday weigh in tomorrow that I'm sort of dreading. The week hasn't been as clean as I'd intended, and my exercise has been truncated due to endless rainy weather.

And Jean...I love you! Can't wait to see you and Wally reunite Thursday night.

GR's - graduation, great times and gratitude

2011-05-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm determined to get a re-entry post up today...I got back from Atlanta Saturday afternoon via air, while hubby drove home with the newest addition to our family???...!!! I have so much news and so many pictures that it's kept me from posting because I didn't know where to start. So I'm just going to go stream-of-consciousness and meander all over the place. You know I can go on and on when I have nothing to say, so this could get lengthy. Perhaps I should do installments, which my work day may necessitate.

First, on the weight front, on Sunday morning after getting home from the 8 days in Atlanta and an eating day of travel (why do I always feel binge-ish when I'm on the way home from a trip and the evening following...?), I weighed 206.6. Actually that's the lowest I've been for awhile, so I was really pleased. I ate well BUT sanely the whole time in Atlanta until the last morning. I ate healthy food along with some indulgences, but I didn't graze over the course of the days as I can settle into at home. Hmmm...because I was with people most of the time? Coinkydink? I think not. Anyway, the new low has definitely motivated me to get into Onederland for the last time, and soon. It's entirely possible, doable, and IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Second, I ended up not meeting with Tammy and Tina for dinner while in Atlanta. We had Wednesday evening lined up to go to one of my favorite places - The Cheesecake Factory, when one of my 3 favorite sister-in-laws (I only have 3, how lucky is it that I love and am loved by all 3!) who had a work meeting that night suddenly called saying she was free. It was my only time to see her other than at a big family party where there's no time for a REAL visit, so I couldn't resist. Not getting to be with Tammy and finally meet Tina was the only disappointment of the trip. I'm so sorry it didn't work out, ladies. By September I'll be back to visit and there will be no big events or celebrations to woo me away - so hopefully we can do it then.

Okay - so already I've hit a snafu with this intended post...I was going to pull up some pictures I'd uploaded from my new iphone into my work computer - and they won't appear!!! Very irritated and will try to upload them again or wait until I get home and hope that my laptop charger has arrived by fed-ex (that I left in Atlanta), so I can insert pictures after the fact.

***Crisis/snafu averted.....

So - we got to Atlanta Saturday late afternoon and immediately picked up our youngest (and soon to be graduate) and took him to dinner. It was great to see him and spend a lot of time with him all week. He's stayed on for about 10 extra days with some of his house mates but will be home by the end of next week. This kid has worked hard in college and done very well. It really seems like all my kids are much more together and grounded than I was at their ages. Thank goodness! And if you'll allow me a proud mom moment, Mark had a 4.0 average for his senior year, and an overall 3.82 for the 4 years. He's always had a great work ethic when it comes to schooling.

Sunday was Mothers' Day, and Mark and his 5 roomies had a big barbecue for all their families and friends. It was really fun, and the boys went to great lengths to recognize their moms and express thanks to us. They even got a cake from Whole Foods and had all the moms' names spelled out on it...hopefully when you read this there'll be a picture of said cake! They cooked all kinds of good stuff on the grill, including veggie burgers and asparagus. We were impressed. One thing I didn't eat was the baked beans, because though homemade by one of the girlfriends, Mark warned me they were loaded with Jack Daniels. Mom losing 19+ years of sobriety on baked beans would have been quite a drag =)! Below is a shot of a few of the guys and their proud moms:

Monday was the actual graduation - at 8 in the morning. Janet Napolitano of the Department of Homeland Security was the commencement speaker. She was okay - pretty non-controversial and with a less than awe-inspiring speech, but at the end she gave a great piece of advice to the graduates: "Don't let yourselves become cynical over the state of politics, government, economics...". That made me realize I needed to check my own cynicism at the door! I was actually sitting there thinking about how hard it was going to be for so many of the grads to find jobs in this still sluggish-at-best economy - and then was gently reminded that cynical negativity is not a desirable or productive state of being.

The graduation lasted 5 hours, and by 10 a.m. it was HOT and brightly sunny. That's why they start so early in the south - beat the heat of the day. It was a lot hotter for the grads in their black mortarboards and gowns than those of us looking on adoringly in the wings. Our Mark's portion was about 20 seconds of crossing the stage as his name was called, receiving his diploma and then mugging a big grin as I stepped in to get a picture. Following the ceremony, we took a zillion more photos with friends, and then took Mark to lunch at an awesome barbecue place that had the BEST. Fried. OKRA. EVER. It was incredible - entirely not greasy - with a light cornmeal base coating. I could have eaten the whole crop of okra prepared that way. But I digress - and where else? To food. Oh me.

That evening was a family party at the SIL's house where we were staying, and it was a lot of fun. Since I have not one single family of origin member living, I really appreciate having a big in-law family of which I feel truly a part. Lots of laughter, great food, and enjoying each others' company. I was aware in the moment of how thankful I felt to be in the mix. Seems like my skin was fitting okay last week, and it felt good to be in it. Hasn't always been like that for me. My gratitude abounds.

The rest of the week was mostly visiting with different family members, some shopping, lots of eating out, and chill-axin'. Very therapeutic to have a week off work, being far away from my usual digs, and with not much responsibility other than leisure engineering. I'm pretty accomplished at EASE, and plenty was available.

And finally, not the biggest, but definitely BIG news (that requires a little background info) is that we are again co-habiting with a canine member! As of last Friday, while still in Atlanta, we have rejoined the fellowship of dog owners. The story will follow, *but * since it's now 5:30 p.m. and I'm just getting back to this post, I'm going to save the story of our canine acquisition for tomorrow. Maybe I'll wise up and write it tonight so I don't get overwhelmed at work and not get to it. It's a good story with a happy (so far) ending - so dog lovers stop back tomorrow.

It's good to be back. Home, and in blogdom.

Headin' to Dixie

2011-05-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to gut it through my last hour at work before WEEK LONG VACATION TO HOTLANTA!!! I was up even before the butt crack of dawn, finishing up laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, packing, and whatever else occurred to me in the frenzy of getting ready to begin the drive south as soon as I get off work. I even have all my stuff in the car. How annoying for a last minute kind of guy like Hubby!

And ready I am...I could literally drive out of the work parking lot and get on I-95 directly, but Hubby would prefer I swing by and pick him up, so that will happen. I've told him in no uncertain terms that he and his assorted stuff better be in the driveway when I pull in so we can load it up and move it out. He has a tendency to put off the essentials until the last minute when we're travelling, and that has driven me crazy for 29+ years. Today I asked him for a handshake agreement that he'd be ready! (Just to pull his chain :D)

I've also had an uber productive day at work, getting things in place for while I'm away. I tend to be very detail oriented and organized when getting ready for an event - like a trip, or if I'm having a party or something. The rest of the time...not so much. I don't know why I can't stay at this level of productivity all the time, but I guess it's related to the reason I can't have all good on-plan food days. Most humans aren't programmed for 100% consistency in much of anything. In my highly finite mind, this seems like a glitch in the devine plan, but it's possible the diviner, or the Devine, knows something I don't.

I'm really feeling good about seeing the family. The wisps of angst over my ever-so-slightly less than perfect body and face have sort of fallen away. I think my increasing practice of meditation has helped with this. Letting go of thoughts doesn't come easily, but it's easier when I restfully sit and focus on my breathing and feeling my body - doing a sort of body scan from feet to head. Of course, a thousand thoughts continually present for my consideration, but I'm learning to just refocus on the breath and the body.

Boy, it takes nothing for me to digress, does it? Back to the family - I already have several things planned with different SILs and PILs (parents in law), but of course the big event is our youngest son's graduation from Emory. Mark's such a great kid and has worked hard between playing lacrosse and being team captain 2 years, always being on the dean's list (he's gotten 2 B+s, everything else As over the 4 years), doing a semester in Argentina, and managaing to not get messed up with drugs, alcohol, or parenting any children (that I know of). We're ridiculously lucky with all our kids, knock on wood. It'll be great to see him walk across the stage and get his diploma.

If this graduation is like his sister's from the same school 5 years ago, the glory of the graduation will be about 20 seconds out of the 5 1/2 to 6 hours the ceremony lasts! Last time, our older son Stephen was there with us (though not Mark), and he taught me how to text message and generally horsed around with me for some of the time. I think I'll bring knitting and a book, and of course my new Iphone with which I'm playing Words With Friends with several different folks. I can try to lure hubby into some kind of shenanigans, but he's an above board kind of guy and manages to maintain some decorum. I know he wonders how he ended up with moi! But I'm glad he did :)!

My eating has been good this week - no bingeing at all. Exercise has been less than stellar - just 2 walks, 3 miles each. I hope to get in some with the sister in law with whom we're staying. There are some wonderful neighborhoods and parks in Atlanta near Emory, and having lived there for several years I know where to find them. Atlanta is such a major international city now that it changes a bit every time we go back. New buildings, new neighborhoods, new roads. Always a beautiful place to drive around and visit all haunts.

I'm taking my laptop, so hopefully I'll stay somewhat connected to the blogs next week. Until next time, hasta la vista!

Highway to Onederland revisited

2011-05-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday all! I'm ready to get this week in the done column, so we can get going Friday afternoon for parts south. We'll drive 5 hours or so after I get off work, stay overnight somewhere, and then drive on in to Hotlanta on Saturday. I wish we could make it to Durham, but that's almost 8 hours from here and I seriously doubt we'll be up for that long a drive Friday afternoon into evening, especially given we'll be driving through DC rush hour, which is the traffic equivalent of drinking anthrax. Just awful!!

Anyway, I'm delighted to report I lost 3.4 pounds last week on my Sunday weigh in, putting me at 206.6. I knew I had a decent week, but I really had to muster my courage to step on the scale yesterday morning! I don't know why, except that if I hadn't had a bit of a loss, it would have added to my (happily) ever-diminishing but still present angst about seeing the Atlanta family. Not that I'm a svelte little thing at this weight, but it's a lot better than severl weeks back.

I've settled into a routine for the last week and a half of eating the same breakfast and lunch everyday, and leaving out most bread, pasta and rice. And sugar, though my favorite Chobani Black Cherry yogurt does have some. It doesn't trigger me at all - maybe because of the nice hefty dose of protein the yogurt packs - 14 gms. That's about the only sugar I've had, other than fruit.

I've actually been loosely following a combo of WWP+ and the food plan given to me by the miserable sponsor I had for the 2 months I lasted in a rigid 12 step program a few summers ago. The breakfast is 1 cup oatmeal, one fruit and 1 cup of yogurt. I use Trader Joe's 0% plain Greek, which is very thick and creamy. I seriously doubt I'll ever go back to non-Greek yogurt, other than an occasional premium Swiss Emmi that is awesome (but not organic - I figure Switzerland is pure, clean and green!).

My favorite flavor of theirs is pink grapefruit, which sounds like a weird flavor for yogurt, but they get it right!

Back to eating - for lunch I have a Big. Ass. Salad. Plus a cup of roasted veggies, and 4 ounces of protein that usually gets tossed into the salad. Dinner is kind of the same overall

as lunch, with whatever protein I'm fixing for the husband. I've been having a couple of organic gala apples for snacks, and then the Chobani after dinner. For right now, this is satisfying me pretty well, and the dropped pounds add incentive to stick with it. Exercise has been a lot of walking - 2-3 miles most days, and an occasional 5 miles at Ridley Creek State Park when I have time.

It feels good to have some healthy eating days behind me. I feel calmer overall and my clothes are fitting well and getting a little looser. I still have many miles to travel on this journey, but it's my fervent desire to not have to travel the parts I've already traversed. How many times have I gotten to Onederland? How many times have I love the pounds from 215 back down to 210? No idea, but I've experienced the scenery on that part of the trip enough to not want to have to watch reruns. My diet history is the Nick at Nite of weight loss!

My head's in a good place now, but I know the inner-binge monster is lying in wait and will have to be negotiated again. That's how it is with food addiction. It ain't going away, and I'm starting to realize that when I don't have even one bite of certain things, I'm much less likely to get triggered and head off to the races again. So for today, I'm gonna keep doing what I've been doing for the last week and a half. I HOPE.

By the way...I'm okay!

2011-04-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Just another fly by post to say I'm doing well, and to thank folks who've shot me an email to make sure I'm okay. I had last week off for spring break, and it was glorious. I really used the time to get myself solidly back in my exercise routine - doing lots of walking and starting to do a Pilates DVD I've had for about 3 years and never had peeled the original cellophane from! I've continued the exercise this week now that I'm back to work and I know it's helping me feel more energetic and positive.

The week off was also therapeutic for my mind and spirit. I had ample time to read, meditate, allow myself to continue to process and grieve the loss of our dear pup, enjoy friends...just BE. I'm sure it's been said in other places, but it was in AA I first heard that we have to remember that we're human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. I tend to be an activity junkie - scheduling myself to the max with activities of all kinds. I see this as yet another way I scramble to avoid being alone with myself. AND YET...solitude and quiet are 2 qualities I crave most to add to my life. The meditation I've been practicing is beginning to really help me find comfort and calm that extend to my day to day life. A very positive benefit, indeed.

Speaking of solitude, I am home alone until Saturday evening, and without even the dog, more alone than at any time in the last 11 years. Our 24 y/o son who was here for about 7 months working, saving money and being quite delightful, left Monday morning to begin a drive out to California, where he's going to work on an organic farm through October. While it was hard to say goodbye to him, it's great to see him pursuing something he's been researching and wanting to do for over a year. In exchange for his work, he's provided room, board and a small weekly stipend. Also, the drive will afford hihttp://fatgirldivesin.blogspot.com/m views of much of the country he hasn't yet seen. Of course, Mom will be happy once I know he's arrived at his destination in the Sacramento Valley!

Anyway, then Tuesday morning I deposited hubby at the airport for a business trip to Texas, so it's bachelorette time for me. As I've said before, being home alone always helps me do better with my eating for some reason. It's a heady feeling of independence and not having to do anything (like cooking!) unless I want to. But it is strange not having a big dog to serve as my best guardian and protector. Lou was a big barker, so if even a squirrel, or God forbid a cat, set paw into our yard, Lou steadfastly guarded his territory (and his mommy - me) with gales of hysterical barking, sending would be intruders high-tailing it away.

At the end of next week, hubby and I will be traveling to Atlanta for our youngest son's college graduation. We'll be there for a whole week, getting our son packed up to return to Philly with us (where he will hopefully find a REAL job as opposed to working in the deli at the local Acme store!). Also, my husband's whole family lives in Atlanta so we'll be seeing them a lot. I genuinely love my in-laws and have great relationships with them, but I always have angst of weighing more than I should/would/could - an issue which is in my mind only. Anyone who has read my blog for very long knows I always stress about this when we go to Atlanta, because I swear this family has more thin and highly attractive members than a supermodel's. It will all be fine, and I think I'm less worried about that piece than I have been before. Ahh,ever-elusive self acceptance. It's definitely aided by knowing I'm doing what I can to get as fit and healthy as possible.

While in Atlanta, I'm planning to have dinner with fellow bloggers Tammy and Tina. I met Tammy during my last visit, and can't wait to meet Tina as well. It's awesome to meet up with bloggers "in the flesh"!

So those are the highpoints from my little corner of blogdom. We're expecting terrible storms and winds this morning, so getting our wheel chair bound clients off vans and inside at work should be an experience! Happy Pre-Friday, all.

I get by with a little help from my friends

2011-04-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

I feel so good today - for the first time since last fall, I got up and walked to my morning AA mtg and then back afterward. I didn't plan it, but when the inspiration hit at 5 a.m. it was like a divinely planted suggestion to which I said YES! It's about 5 miles total, and usually I can only do this on weekends because I have to be at work at 8:30 and the meeting ends at 8. However, I'm on spring vacation this week so I have the luxury of UNSTRUCTURED TIME, which is surely the most underrated commodity on the face of the planet. Glorious to not have to be anywhere at a certain time unless I want to be!

I haven't been exercising near enough - just around 2 mile walks, if anything at all. My planned trip to the gym yesterday didn't happen because..........because I continued to debate in my mind ~~whether or not~~ when I was going to go. The minute I enter into debate with the lazy wench within, all bets are off, and dollars to donuts I'll not act on my own behalf. But a couple of things from yesterday impacted me so positively that I took a different tack today, and it paid off.

First thing was at my AA meeting yesterday morning. A fairly new guy shared at the end of the meeting. This guy is really bright, pretty young (mid to late 30's maybe), and extremely overweight. Obviously it's an AA mtg so food issues aren't discussed, but he usually manages to talk about his early recovery in a way that evidences to me he's also working on his food issues. Like I do.

What he said was that he felt so good because he'd gotten up early and walked the way he "intends" to every day, but often doesn't. He reported that when he first awoke, the thought of the walk was immediately followed by the "decision" that he'd do it "later". He went on to say that all of a sudden, he sat up and said, "NO. I'm just going to do it and not debate it. If I start the debate in my mind about whether or not to do this simple thing, every decision I make for the rest of the day will be similar, and I won't make the best decisions for myself."

Maybe that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it hit me square between the eyes. YES. No exercise yields debate about food choice, which yields debate about snacking, which yields debate about selecting crackers or junkier items rather than fresh healthy fruit and veggies, which yields more sketchy and anti-self-care behavior over that which promotes my health and well being. It was pretty deep for this blogger to ponder.

Second was a comment from the wonderful Biz, who reminded me of a post by Helen from Monday April 11th titled INO, which stands for "It's not an option". It's a great post (check it out if you haven't read it), and I thank Biz for reminding me of it and telling me how much it's helped her. And of course I thank Helen for the notion of countering my lazy overeating inner voice with the INO phrase when a self defeating thought/compulsion presents itself to my consciousness.

Both the aforementioned mind shifts helped me this morning when the inspiration to walk to the meeting hit, and rather than turning over and pulling down the shade on such a potentially beneficial divine suggestion, I heeded it.

Can I tell you how much better I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for having gotten out and hoofed it to and from the meeting? By the time I got there, I could already feel a shift in the sort of funk that has been looming in my periphery, and by the time I returned, I felt like a new woman. They say exercise is the best remedy for depression, and while I wouldn't claim to have been depressed, the funk has contributed to my overall inertia regarding self care. Also, my knees feel really good, and I know that the more they move, the better for my osteoarthritis. They feel positively normal! Gotta love it, and I do :).

The plan - more of the same tomorrow. My food was great yesterday. The walking substantially increased the odds that the rest of my choices for today will be good, including going to my meditation group tonight after dinner. This could be a very good day.

Grant me this day

2011-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hi blog friends - this most recent blog vacay wasn't planned - it just sort of happened. Not only have I not posted but I haven't been reading either...at all; so if there are any stunning revelations or huge happenings that have transpired in the blog kingdom - I missed 'em! Feel free to fill me in on the dirt.

When last we chatted, I was reeling over the unexpected and sudden passing of our family's youngest and most canine member. The loss shook me in a way I couldn't have imagined. I still went to work and did the things I do, but definitely felt a pall hanging heavily and experienced waves of tears and sadness more often than I would have guessed. It's been almost 2 weeks, and while I miss him like crazy, I'm getting used to the house without him. I'm starting to feel less lopsided walking without him - he was great at pulling me up hills and suddenly dragging me off the path in order to traumatize a squirrel or crouching kitty. It isn't as acute and constant as it was for the first couple of days.

I haven't gone back and read what I wrote last post, but I know I mentioned that this was the first experience of unfettered grieving I've experienced. Painful, sad, inconvenient, messy, wet (very wet for the first few days with those feeling storms that blew threw), but I totally recognize the experience as a gift, and a revelation of how evolved I've become through recovery and just living long enough to continue to grow up and get better. I'm so grateful to be able to experience my feelings without having to numb them, or myself, in order to move through.

Which brings up emotional eating. Food has never accomplished the mind altering effects that alcohol did for me. But I've used food my whole life in order to survive and cope with whatever I didn't think I could. So I still have no idea just how raw and splayed open my psyche, my heart, my soul would feel if I didn't succumb to the food thoughts that just "pop up" on a daily basis. I've gone a day, or 2, or even weeks without responding to food's seductive call, but always and eventually I cave in when I just can't hold out any longer. And that is the point at which my greatest discoveries about myself and my feelings are blighted - again.

There's a guy in my morning AA meeting I love - he's a lawyer, very funny and very irreverent. He's been coming around to AA for about 7 or 8 years, and so far he has about a year of sobriety as his longest time. The reason...every time he and his wife go out of the country (they've been to Germany, Australia, Italy, England) he "decides" to drink. So far he's been able to come back and not drink on US soil. Next week he's going to Paris, and he's sounding very much like he plans to do it again. He's cheating himself - because at some level he still doesn't believe he can really live fully and have an absolutely amazing wonderful time - or life? - without an occasional encounter with booze. How could his life - his inner landscape - change and expand DEEPLY and for the better, by not drinking a day at a time for the rest of his days? ( I know mine has, in ways I couldn't have imagined. Had I written my own script for sobriety I'd have cheated myself because I couldn't have imagined a life as rich and full as I have today.)

This guy reminds me of myself with eating; I claim I don't want to live a life where I can't have an occasional food orgy - not unlike my lawyer friend. Problem is, I CAN'T, because once I invite the binge behavior back in, I never know when I can slam the door in its f-ing face again. Sometimes after a day - sometimes it's weeks before I can rein in my cravings, which aren't cravings for any specific food - rather for EVERY food I think I have to have to ...what, survive? That's how it feels at times. And really - I need occasional food orgies to make my life BETTER? Really? What does that say about my life? When I deconstruct my thinking, it's clear that my eating not only doesn't make my life more worth living, it diminishes it in a thousand ways.

This experience of losing Lou and the emotional journey I've already traveled has informed me that maybe my life would still be great, fun, rich, fantastic, sad, full of family, friends and love - without an occasional food orgy. The thing is, I don't have to swear them off forever. I only have to swear it off for today. The only time a food thought overcomes me and sends me to my own food and fat ruin is in a single day, at a single moment. I have the resources to get through a single day IF I choose to access and use them.

So that's where I am. I'm not striving for peace with food today - I have it if I choose it. I don't want a war in my mind of having to fight back food cravings - I surrender, hopefully to win.

And now I'm off to my cadillac gym from which my membership officially ends on April 30th. Might as well use it while I can. And I'm looking forward to catching up on all my blog buddies' lives.

Unexpected discoveries

2011-04-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

I've heard the saying, "be careful what you pray for...you may get it", many times. Also have heard people talk about receiving long awaited or prayed for outcomes and "gifts" only to discover they also had to accept whatever came along with the coveted state.

My past week began with my post about beginning again...again; how never quitting this endeavor toward health, leanness and wellness was at the top of my planner. I did have several good on plan eating days, but by Wednesday was beginning to feel the vague stirrings for some Brach's Jelly Beans and other verboten edibles. I'd re-entered battle with my compulsive food thoughts...countering them with the voice of reason in the usually futile attempt to NOT ACT ON THE FOOD THOUGHTS. I actually ate something late Wed. afternoon that would absolutely have led to more food, if not a binge.

And then the dog began evidencing serious symptoms around 6 p.m. Roughly 7 hours later my son and I tearfully held and caressed Lou as he passed from this realm into the next.

And my appetite has yet to return. The long desired indifference to food as anything more than mildly pleasurable but essential nourishment for which I've prayed and yearned finally arrived.

I didn't eat anything after 6:15p.m. until a small dinner Thursday - my stomach was gnawing - almost painfully, but the thought of swallowing anything was repulsive. That was as unheard of as the previous day - Lou refusing a fried wonton strip from the carry out that #1 son had just brought in, which became the first alarm that something was wrong. In the 11 years we had Lou, he NEVER didn't want food. He was his mama's baby :) (mama being me).

Friday was similar - I couldn't eat breakfast (other than coffee); I ate a smallish salad for lunch at work, and when food shopping after work I began to feel shaky and lightheaded so grabbed a small bottle of pure orange juice to get something in my system. Had 2 slices of pizza for dinner Friday with sonny boy and went to bed. Yesterday I began to want to eat a little more - a breakfast with AA buds after an early meeting, a black cherry Chobani around 3, and then a foot long hot dog and diet coke after a Costco run with my neighbor and close friend. Also had some roasted peanuts from the shell before going to bed.

This morning after my meeting a couple of errands, I did suddenly feel hungry, so fixed 2 strips of bacon, an egg plus 1/3 c eggbeaters, and a Fiber One English muffin and I feel stuffed. This is all really weird for me, and I know full well it won't last. Like Lou, I never met a food offering or a meal time I didn't want, unless I was laid up with stomach flu or something.

So not surprisingly, my weigh in this morning showed a loss. I was 213.8 last Sunday, this morning 210. I was actually surprised it wasn't a bigger loss, but not disappointed. What I do feel is the desire to keep this current foreign mentality of eating because I need to, not because I want to regardless of hunger. Partially because I want to keep moving down the scale - duh. But also because I don't want to eat down my feelings of grief and sadness over losing our youngest family member (though in dog years, he was the oldest).

I answered a condolence email this morning from one of my sister in laws. I told her I was quite overwhelmed by the depth of grief I'm feeling, but that it was honest, true, real and therefore as much of a gift as was Lou's presence in our family for 11 years. Prior to responding to her email, I'd been on the phone with my dear friend (with lung cancer) Lisa, confessing that I've never experienced grief like this, despite having lost both parents.

I didn't experience it because I was so emotionally shut down - even at age 11 when my dad died (for all sorts of emotionally laden reasons), and then with my mom's death when I was 23. By that time, I'd discovered the remarkable effects of booze as balm to whatever was ailing me in any given moment. I was caring for her at home, and the night she died, I was drinking. I wasn't drunk, but definitely anesthetized, and I stayed that way at some level for many years. Food as self medication probably tamped down some of my feelings about mom as well, and definitely played a role in my dealing with my father's death.

I've discovered that this blogger has never dealt purely, genuinely and from my heart with loss before. Never felt the starkness of life without a loved one. So while the pain of losing Lou is acute, I see I'm fully awake to my heart, my soul and my humanity in a way I didn't even realize. And that is a huge gift to me.

I couldn't squelch my tears when they come now if I tried - and believe me that I've already tried. The've come when I walked into the local WAWA (convenience store) 3 days in a row now, and in many other "inconvenien"t places and moments. No amount of deep breathing or redirecting my thoughts is sufficient to block their flow. And I'm not interested in food, so it isn't serving as grief deterrent.

It's occurring to me as I write that maybe the food disinterest, my long yearned for state of being, is not an answer to my old familiar request; rather another component of being able to feel fully and deeply this sad loss of our Lou. A gift, but not in the way or for the reasons I've wanted it.

And it makes me feel very rich.

'Til we meet again

2011-04-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

We had to have our dear and very beloved dog Lou put down last night. It was totally unexpected as he'd been mostly his usual self, albeit the 12 year old slightly arthritic and diminished version, until around 6 p.m. last evening when he began evidencing some serious symptoms. My son Stephen and I got him to the vet and after several hours it was determined that Lou would not recover. We were with him at his blessedly peaceful departure from this world around 1:10 a.m.

Our house feels emptier than when hubby and I saw it, unoccupied, for the first time. Lou completed our family when we got him in May of 2000. It is with immense sadness mixed with love and gratitude that we bid him fond farewell until we meet again. Hubby wrote this last night in his motel room somewhere in Kentucky after Lou's passing:

Doggerel, 7 April 2011

For faithful friends,

Whose hearts outpour,

For those we love,

We thank Thee, Lord.

But most of all

In this day's log

We list our thanks

For Lou our dog.

For us, his wags,

For flies, his snaps,

His trusting soul,

And peaceful naps.

And now he starts

His final sleeping,

At least until

Our final greeting.

Finally, a few pictures:

Rest in peace, good a faithful friend. We will love you forever.

Odds and ends and a brilliant quote

2011-04-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

I had another good day yesterday, though I did have some roasted peanuts (in the shell) with # 1 son while watching the Phillies and the Flyers tank last night in their respective games. If I was the sport fan my sons are and living in Philly, my blood pressure would be through the roof. Anyway, I figure I had 12 points worth which I subtracted from my weekly allotment of 49. My intention was to have 5 points worth, which would have been 40 peanuts (with approx. 2 peanuts/shell besides the aberrant ones that have 3 or 1!), but after I had the 40, I knew I was pressing on deeper into the peanut gallery. Still - according to WW, it was a "legal" and on plan day.

I have a question for you bloggers who are more nutritionally savvy than I - I could google about this, but would rather survey my posse of experts. I have about 16oz of coffee each morning. I've had it with 2%, 1%, and skim milks as well as half and half, which of course is my FAVORITE. Being a milk hater, the dairy substance that goes into my coffee is all the milk I get, and a nice 16 or 20 ounce coffee tastes so much more pleasing, satisfying and yumalicious with Half &Half, but 2Tbsp has one point. No big whoop when it comes to point totals, but this gal would rather rack up points with FOOD, and the amount of H&H I like to to add would be 2 points or maybe close to 3. So I finally tried fat free H&H, and I like it fine. On WW's P+ calculator, 2 Tbs of FF H&H has 0 points. In my book, that means that 4 Tbs or more would also have 0 points, because 0 + 0 = 0. This may be Lesliegebra - but it makes sense to me.

So my question is: Is fat free half and half more chemical crap and therefore not the best choice, or is it okay to use in moderation? Do you use it?

So all that verbiage likely has you understanding why my hubby says I can complicate the contents of an empty paper bag. But inquiring minds want to know, and I'll stick to the real mcCoy if it's lite cousin turns out to be a carcinogenic nightmare.

Finally - I have a quote for the day - I was just talking to my dearest buddy Lisa (who I mentioned yesterday - my AA sponsor with lung cancer that is currently stable so she's doing well). She was saying that she had a couple of symptoms in the last few days that were making her fearful, and how she's working hard to stay in the moment and not project and fast forward into the unknown/future. (She is actually the person who has started the meditation and recovery group I've been attending on Wednesday nights and has established her own meditation practice daily that has helped her dramatically in navigating her cancer.)

She told me that she's noticed that everytime she gets a symptom that's scary, she wants to get a haircut! She went on that it seems to be her default setting since the traumatic news of a cancer diagnosis 2 and a half years ago. Meanwhile, I was thinking that she actually needs a haircut as she's got a sort of Medusa thing going on right now (sans the snakes). So I said, "You know, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Maybe you really just want a haircut!" To which she asked, "Be honest, do I need a haircut?" And being the mistress of unstatement I said, "well, you could probably use a trim," and asked her where she gets her hair cut, because I also need one. She said where she went and that it's expensive, and then she said, (here is THE QUOTE:) "Hell, with this cancer, life's too fucking short! Every haircut counts!" God, I love that. Amen! How many things could we plug into that sentence in place of haircut?

Happy hump day =)

Fall down 6 times, get up 7

2011-04-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

Good morning all - I had a post percolating all day yesterday but never got the chance to crank it out. Now half of the content has gotten lost in the murk that is my brain - but I'll try to exact out bits of it.

First - I had 1/2 good weekend (Sunday) and 1/2 crapola weekend. I'm speaking about the realm of food/eating/self care. Last Friday and Saturday I definitely did some serious overeating and I can't really say why. Why isn't important. If knowing why could help me STOP IT from ever happening again, it would be important, but 57 years of inhabiting the body of a food addict has showed me again and again that self awareness avails me nothing; action, or lack of overeating action is what produces results.

I was antsy about something I was doing Friday night and though I had an on-plan day until I got home from work, I started some grazing after walking the dog, continued up to when I went to the event (which turned out fine), but since "in the mode" and "having already blown it", kept at it until I went to bed. I haven't done that for awhile and determined to be done and back on track Saturday. NOT. Didn't happen and suffice to say that by Saturday evening I actually recognized I was feeling out-of-control with it. Haven't felt that way in a long time.

Sunday morning I surveryed the damage on the scale (up 4 pounds since last weigh in 3 days prior) and committed (for the 465,729,121,348th time) to staying on plan. I was 213.8, which seemed pretty awful. I called my AA sponsor Lisa (the one with lung cancer who is doing well for now) who also has had food issues and did OA years ago and asked if I could commit my daily eating to her in the mornings for awhile. She was all over helping me, and so we have an arrangement where I call her each morning for a brief chat and recommit each day. Got 2 days down, or 2 pearls on the necklace that I haven't managed to extend even to bracelet length yet, but I'm working on it.

I absolutely hate coming here again and again confessing my flubs (or flabs - there are a lot of regions of it). But not doing so doesn't help the one person who this blog is supposed to be helping - me. I've read several blogs lately where people are struggling and recommitting and rededicating themselves to THEMSELVES and their health - and I join the legions. I'm not quitting, I'm not beating myself up. And I am going to start posting my weights again - it's easy to be coy with "1 up, 2 down..." but coughing up the actual and honest number feels much more honest and accountable. My weigh ins are Sunday mornings and I will post it each week. Keeping it on the down-low is rediculous and evasive and my usual MO of trying to hide my truth under fluff and facade. ***************************************************

Also I want to report that my big toe numbness seems to be going away so it was prob'ly due to tying new shoes too tight, which caused some nerve inflammation. I doubt it was related to diabetic neuropathy which is a big relief. I stopped doing my blood sugars because they were in the normal range for 4 days in a row. (Last Friday and Saturday I suspect they wouldn't have been.) I have my physical with my doc on Thursday, and while I'm not exactly looking forward to it, I am happy to be taking care of myself and facing whatever IS my current status with the Type 2 and everything else. This doc that I'm restarting with Thursday has known me at a normal weight, and also at my all time high of 234. There's no bullshitting him, but that's good because I can sling it with the best of them, and I am not going to do that. I plan to own my struggles, get my bloodwork done Friday morning after he gives me lab slips, and owning what is.

Hubby left this morning to head to Georgia for the Masters Golf Tournament. His father has had tickets since the 1940s which is hubby's great luck, because hubby has his dad's exact name (except hub is the Jr. version) so he's hoping that the tickets will be able to be kept in the family long past his father's life. They're among the hardest tickets to get in all sporting events - they say people have to die for new folks to get them! We're certainly not wanting Papa to pass anytime soon - he just turned 93 and is going surprisingly strong - but even Papa talks about how my hubby can hold to them after he moves into the next realm! The waiting list for new tickets to the actual tournament is closed and has been since 2000. Practice round tickets are available by lottery, I think.

Anyhoo - it'll just be me and # 1 son for the week which means meal prep is simpler - Steve and I generally do "separate but equal meals" where we fix our own stuff but eat together. I'll make a big pot of awesome vegetarian lentil brown rice soup that'll last us awhile. I WILL have an on plan week, one day at a time.

So that's all the news from Leslieland that's fit to print. Have a good Tuesday.

Spirit and flesh BOTH willing and able 4 today

2011-03-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's 11:40 and I'm sitting at my work desk starting this post while wolfing down some celery heart pieces with a Blue cheese LC lite wedge. (btw - the blue cheese LC lite is my fave of their offerings) I was absolutely empty-stomach hungry (as opposed to my more typical "throat wants to swallow something" hungry) because I didn't have my complete power breakfast I described yesterday.

******Work interruption (and how dare they?)********

I did have my oatmeal and flax early before I left for work. My plan (and frequent m.o.) was to have the yogurt and fruit as soon as I got in. Well, it's now 12:33 and I've yet to have the yogurt and fruit because I got caught up in work matters and didn't miss the protein hit until about 11:15 when my stomach started actually gnawing and growling (who knew it remembered how given it's rare sensation of genuine emptiness!). The celery and LCL blue was quicker to grab than getting my yogurt and applesauce parfait arranged. Now I'm thinking I'll just have the yogurt when I get home from work, b/c it's about time for me to eat my awesome, huge, kick ass salad and a serving of the roasted veggies I did this morning before coming to work.

I'm so excited to have NOTHING going on this evening. A couch potato's nirvana. As I said yesterday, I've had things to do every evening this week, and also tomorrow night, so it's going to feel nice to come home and not have to go back out. It's Modern Family night, and I think I'll be able to stay up to watch it (all the way to 9 pm), given my new found evening wakefulness of late. It's chilly and rainy here, so I might go to the gym that I quit (but can use through April) to log some time on the treadmill and maybe elliptical. Then to the store to pick up something for dinner for which I hope to find inpiration by perusing my favorite food blogs.

I often get my dinner inspirations from blogs - especially now from some of the WW blogs, like TJ, Danica, Tami, Biz and The Slender Kitchen. Most of you probably read these blogs, but if you haven't they are all worth your checking out, so hit the linky dinks and enjoy. Of course I have a slew of favorite recipes in my rotation of dinner ideas, but I continue to get great new ideas from blogs. Sometimes I bring my laptop into the kitchen to reference the recipes while I'm throwing them together. Makes me feel like a child of the NEW MILENNIUM! My husband has totally appreciated the vast new array of meals he gets since I started blogging.

BTW - I need to say again that I HEART blogging and am so glad to be back to it. When I needed the break, I needed it; but I'm glad that's out of my system now and back amongst youze guys! (A little Philly talk for youze....)

My meditation class was fantastic last night. I'm going to write more about it soon. It feels like something that is really nourishing my whole self and I'm so happy that this new opportunity is availble at a time when my spirit is willing and so is my flesh. So often I have one without the other when trying to pursue something beneficial and broadening.

Keeping food light and mood right

2011-03-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week already, but a good one. Monday morning I got the 2nd round of my injections in the knees with the Euflexxa. Getting shots into your knees is not as much fun as it sounds...but the improvement I'm already sensing is worth it. I definitely felt a slight improvement last week which the ortho told me was a good prognosticator for a good result. I like that

I saw the podiatrist Monday afternoon about my numb left toe and he was essentially unconcerned because I'm walking fine with it and it's not impairing any function. He noticed I've developed a small bunion I didn't have before and said that's likely the culprit of the numbness. Sciatica is the 2nd contender, but given the lack of any more substantial symptoms and the fact that it's so intermittent rather than constant, he feels it's prudent to leave it alone unless the symptoms increase or change in any way. He thinks neuropathy from diabetes is highly unlikely because I've been so well controlled and not required medication or testing. The chance of diabetic neuropathy with my clinical picture is very small. I'm fine with all that.

Monday night I went with hubby to an Alanon anniversary meeting where they had a speaker from AA, Alanon and Alateen. All 3 had excellent messages of recovery and hope. I was out until 9:40, a time at which I'm usually sound asleep because I'm up so early in the mornings (4-430am), and then stayed up another hour reading. Really unheard of for me these days. I can stay awake if I'm out doing stuff, but once home where the possibility of getting horizontal is 100%, I fade fast. Last night I spoke at a meeting which had me out past my bedtime again. I'm feeling like a grown up staying up so "late"!

My sleep patterns definitely changed with menopause. I stayed up 'til midnight or later for all of my kid-rearing years, then slept without waking until the alarm sounded. But since mother nature began to send my hormones into underdrive as she does as we hit late 40s and early 50s, the quality of my sleep changed dramatically, and I haven't needed alarm clock since!

Food and exercise has been good this week thus far and I'm hoping for a loss at weigh in Sunday. I've recently been on a new breakfast kick - I have oatmeal with 2 Tbs of flax meal stirred in after cooking and just a bit of salt. The flax meal makes the oatmeal thick, dry and a bit grainy and gives it a sort of nutty taste. The texture is heavenly to me, though my husband said it looks "disgusting". Thanks dear. ME LIKE! Somehow the flax meal gives it a heartiness that keeps me full all morning. Having a cup of TJoe's FF plain yogurt with unsweetened applesauce on the side has the protein hit (22 gms!) to also keep me satisfied, which is almost more important than being full. (Any good food addict knows that.) When at work, I usually don't eat lunch until about 1:30 because this b'fast is so substantial that I really have no desire to eat until then. Unfortunately, after lunch the absence of desire to eat drains away quickly and once home from work, it's a constant effort to stay out of the fridge and pantry. But I press on, hoping for the elusive peace with food to finally settle in. Siiigh.

Tonight I have my meditation meeting from 7-9 that I think I mentioned a week or so ago. It's for people in any kind of recovery (with a 12 step focus) so there are some folks from OA, AA and even some with no official recovery program but wanting to meditate with a group. This is just the 3rd week, and so far it's been really good and helpful for me in my endless effort to establish a consistent meditation practice for myself.

Have a good day folks.

Not chapter 3

2011-03-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

After writing out my thoughts about my ego driven doctor issues in my last post, I was going to write of the genesis of some of the health anxiety that has plagued me since 4th grade. But I'm just not ready to do it - there is a lot of pain and ancient baggage there, and it's definitely been the most ongoing of my own unique thoughts and beliefs about myself, about my family and about illness. I've never written it out though I've spent a lot of time in therapy over it. Again - related shame is a core issue that has bled into my otherwise pretty great life and ever improving self concept and self acceptance. Other than my weight and eating issues, it feels like the only remaining area of unresolved emotional stuff. I know writing will help and I'm going to start working on that. Whether I share it here remains to be seen.

Otherwise, I've tested my blood sugars all weekend, first thing in the morning (fasting) and then 1 and 2 hours after eating breakfast. Other than fastings that are up a little (80-100 is normal range; mine has been 110-115 which used to be in the normal range back in less informed days), the numbers are exactly where they should be. I'm glad about that, but the higher fastings are indicative that my type 2 is not borderline I suspect. But the high readings are still quite low in the realm of type 2, so I'm grateful. A week from Thursday I see my PCP (the one I just changed back to effective April 1), and given the numbers, and my blood pressure which is totally controlled and very good with the medication I'm on, I think it's prudent and perfectly safe for me to wait until then.

This afternoon I'm seeing my podiatrist about my numb toe. I've realized it started happening since I got a new pair or running shoes (even though I walk, I get running shoes b/c I continue to hope for knees that will again allow jogging at some point). The numbness is very sporadic, just with the left big toe and seems to be lessening. The shoes are the updated version of the same ones I've used for a few years and definitely feels tighter under the left laces. Don't know if it's related, but I'm getting it checked anyway in keeping with my new anti-ostrich approach to my health. I got a lot of walking in this weekend - about 6 miles over the 2 days.

I'm tracking points again and determined to do it for the whole week. But first, I just have to do it for Monday, which is about as much committment as I can muster. Get one down, the next will likely follow suit more readily. Have a good one -

Doctor Dread - Chapter 2

2011-03-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

*I apologize for the length of this. I'm writing it out for myself. Don't feel bad if you glaze over and fast forward to the end!*

In Wednesday's post when I first mentioned this more serious topic I was going to talk about, I said that I was seeing my primary care doc at 5:30 that evening to touch base, get some prescription renewals and a slip for blood work. That was only a part of the story, and it turns out the appointment didn't happen...because I cancelled it.

Being a nurse has given me a comfort level with doctors that I think many people don't have. I am able to think of the questions I want to ask during an appointment without writing them down prior, as I advise many friends to do who claim to forget everything they wanted to discuss because they are somewhat intimidated by docs. I also know relevant information to report about symptoms or whatever is going on with me. I worked in an Allergy, Immunology and Pulmonary specialty for 14 years while my children were younger and learned a tremendous amount that specialty. Have big time allergies and occasional asthma myself, that was a very good thing, and I still really know how to take care of myself in that realm, as well as how to advise others.

Prior to that lengthy job in an office setting I was the Clinical Nurse Specialist for a GYN Oncology doc for 3 years. Another phenomenal learning experience professionally and personally. I got to know the doc so well he taught and trusted me to do a lot of procedures that were really beyond my scope of practice - which I loved. He became a close friend and actually walked me down the aisle in my wedding, as my own father passed when I was 11.

All my years of nursing (I graduated in 1975 so it's been awhile) have given me a competence and confidence in my profession that of course has overflowed to my personal life, since we all need to see doctors from time to time. (Also, my career as a nurse has become a big part of how I define myself - so there is much ego swirling around my thoughts and feelings here - just as a disclaimer.) So it's important to me that my primary care doc is someone I respect and like, and feel respects me as well. Until about 18 months ago, my PCP was a doc (named Walt) I actually worked with for quite awhile, who had also done a stint during his residency at the Allergy Practice I mentioned above, while I worked there. He came to know and trust me in the work setting, which informed his demeanor with me when I saw him as his patient. He knew I was a little neurotic about health issues and one of those people who takes every symptom to be a potential death sentence! This is more common among health care professionals than you might thing. But he also knew that I know my stuff and I know myself pretty well.

Walt's practice was set to be bought by one of the local hospital corporations who owned that attached hospital. If that happened, they were going to make Walt join a huge Internal Medicine and Family Practice that had about 15 docs already. It was something of a factory and he decided to not be bought out but rather rent the space he'd be provided and stay independent (with a nurse practitioner). This meant his office staff had to be fairly slim, and what happened was that for the last year I was his patient, there was one woman to answer the phone, make appointments, do referrals, check people in and out, and who knows what else. She was lovely, but literally a one-armed paper hanger trying to do way too much. I became frustrated because one day I went to an appointment for which I'd needed a referral and had asked for it a week in advance, and when I got to the specialist...no referral. So I decided I was going to change docs - not so much for the medical aspect but because I didn't like the glitches that resulted from an overtaxed office staff.

I went to another big practice I used to go to many years ago and started seeing a doc new to the practice. He was nice enough and I liked him okay and thought he was competent. But to make a long story less long, I have gradually grown to not care for him - mainly because he's as flat and unconversational as can be. If he was a surgeon or a specialist, that'd be fine, but I need to feel like I can talk to my PCP and that he listens and gets that I'm not senile or a drug seeker. I never told him I was a nurse, but showing up in scrubs a few times eventually caused him to look at my info sheet and see my occupation and ask me in what specialty areas I'd worked, so I have EXPECTED he'd at least know I have a clue about something.

What started me not liking him after seeing him for several months (only a few times) was going in when I had a killer sinus infection last year and he wanted to give me an antibiotic that I knew from repeated attempts wouldn't take care of it. I knew what worked because it had worked for years - and I only needed it 1-2x annually. He said he didn't want to start with "such a big gun", and I told him not to give me the one he wanted because it wouldn't help. I said that at age (then) 55 I knew my body, my asthma and chronic sinus issues, and knew what worked well and fast. He begrudgingly gave me what I wanted, but it's been a very weird vibe since then, and every time I've made an appointment to see him since, I dread it and just get through it best I can. He's pleasant enough, but I don't feel comfortable being myself with him...which translates to not being funny, self deprecating about my health anxiety, etc. In general it just isn't a good fit.

Last week I made a decision to return to my beloved Walt. His office has since moved, and I hear his office staff has increased and tightened up. Making the decision and then making the official change with my insurance has given me a huge sense of relief and I've already scheduled a physical with Walt for April 7th. However the change doesn't become official until April 1 on my insurance. Because of the occasional numbness I started having in my big toe 10 days ago, I'd decided I'd see the other doc one more time just to get a lab slip, refills and B/P check and report about the toe numbness. But the thought of seeing him just made me antsy and I chickened out at the last minute and cancelled. I didn't say anything about switching docs - just cancelled. It would have been a bit of a hassle anyway, getting my lab results sent to Walt. So on April 1, I'm going to go to the current practice and ask to have my relevant records copied and sent to Walt. There can't be too much accumulated in 18 months of pretty good health. I will also go to Walt's office on the 1st and get the lab slip so I can have the blood work done before the appointment.

In the meantime, I'm going to "borrow" the glucometer from my job and track my fasting blood sugars and 2 hour post meal readings. I started today, but because I didn't have the meter at home and ate oatmeal with flax, I just did a 1 1/2 hour post meal reading that was 110. Not too bad, though below 100 would be better. I was halfway expecting it to be sky high and am grateful (and relieved) it isn't. I'll be checking it and keeping track for the next few days at least, and if it gets really out of whack, you can bet your life that I'll see whichever doc I'm "authorized" to at the time.

This concludes Chapter 2 of this subject. Tomorrow I'm going to get more honest about my fear and health anxiety, including how it originated for a very lost and sad little girl Leslie.

**added 45 minutes after posting** - I just rechecked my blood sugar and now it's 95 - a little over 2 hours after eating the oatmeal. This is sounding pretty good, so maybe I haven't lapsed into uncontrolled status. But don't worry - I'm following through with doc visits and all. My big toe numbness must be a progressive neurological disease*****KIDDING. (i hope)

My name is Leslie and I have Type 2 Diabetes and high B/P - Chapter 1

2011-03-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I alluded to a more serious issue that I was going to talk about today. As it turns out, it's going to take a few posts, or become a novel. Chapter 1 deals with health and denial.

On the 27th last December, following the great Christmas 2010 food frenzy and subsequent weight gain debacle that overtook my otherwise marginal attempts at healthy eating, I wrote a post about getting serious about my health and weight. Please trust me when I say I meant it with all my heart and soul. This was IT. Siiiiiigh - it's easy to be earnest, honest and self-scrutinizing in the shadow of a weight that almost choked me to observe, and from within jeans that were bisecting me into 2 human sausage links, leaving me just a tad breathless when bending over.

I confessed about having Type 2 and hypertension. I wrote about my shame over having what are thought to be (at least in my self centered and often faulty and inaccurate thinking) "fat people" diseases. In an attempt to minimize the truth, I went on about how my Type 2 had thus far not required I even test my blood sugars at home, take medication or any other interventions other than diet control. (Note: that presumes one is practicing diet control.)

I discussed starting the South Beach diet, which I actually did for 2 days, but by Day 3 I was really nauseous and feeling off, and so "in the interest of health and wellness" (read: bullshit?) I backed off SB and added back in more carbs, still trying to stay low on carb intake, but not as low as SB induction. By the middle of January I was floundering and began the new Weight Watchers, which I'm still ~~floundering~~ dabbling with today. Bottom line - I've been screwing around with alternating "good" days with "bad" days, and the result is that today I've gained back 3 of the 9 pounds I've lost on WW.

But this isn't about weight. It isn't about dieting or dropping pounds or restricting certain food groups from passing into my temple. It's about waking up and smelling the coffee that is my less than optimal health. After I wrote that December 27th post and owned my Type 2 Diabetes and high blood pressure in front of God and everyone, I really never gave those diseases much more thought. The God and everyone I told were all of you in Blogland - but I didn't cop it to my husband, my kids, my flesh friends (I know you all have flesh but I haven't met any of you in the flesh except for dear Tammy). I didn't schedule the doc appointment in order to get blood work, B/P check, and have an annual physical. To be honest, the real thing was losing weight, because THAT would take care of the health issues.

And so they would - if I was doing it. I haven't been consistently keeping my health in the forefront, and just recently have started experiencing a symptom that has ~~freaked me out~~ gotten my attention big time. I've had infrequent intermittent numbness/tingling in my toes - mainly my left big toe but the others also. This sounds benign and it could be from my L sciatic nerve which occasionally flares a bit and sends a shooting burn through my left butt cheek. This nerve goes all the way down into the foot (both legs), and when it's compressed or bulging between discs can get inflamed and cause pain, numbness, tingling or a combination of any/all of those sensations all the way down the back of the leg into the foot and toes. But........BUT........it could also be the beginning of peripheral neuropathy that can be a result of untreated diabetes.

Being a nurse, I think I know an awful lot about an awful lot (of medical stuff), but when it comes to my own body and self care, I don't know squat. I am not in the position to make good assessments of how I'm doing and my judgement about myself is often impaired and affected by my own fear, denial and shame. I honestly don't have any idea of where I stand with my Type 2 because I don't want to own that I have it. I don't want to have blood work done every 6 months to keep track and make sure my numbers are where they should be and as good as they've been. Given the dimishishing quality of my intake over the last year, my numbers could be worse than before but if I don't stay on top of them THE WAY I'M SUPPOSED TO, I ~~don't have to deal with it~~ can't know, nor can my physician. Last January all was well - but I was still weighing 192-195. I didn't get my blood work done in July as I was advised. Now I'm weighing 208-210. Things could have changed. The only way to know is to touch base with my primary care doc.

Tomorrow I'll post Chapter 2, about that touching base with the doc, and how my own medical expertise gets in my way far too often.

Look at me...pop tart free!!

2011-03-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy to report a pop tart free day yesterday, as well as a clean day where I didn't track my points but know I fell short of my 29. Probably not good, but I had a very rare, never happens, there must be aliens approaching day of low hunger and no cravings or desires to eat too much. I'd brought a big salad for lunch to work, along with some roasted vegetables, and ended up eating only the cup of vegetables while on the job. I brought the salad home and ate it about 2:45, knowing if I didn't the universe would likely render me binge-y, crave-ish and hungry at some point before dinner. After the salad I walked the dog with a friend - about 2 miles. Not a huge chunk of exercise but 20 minutes worth of a good pace.

For dinner I made my favorite meatloaf recipe which happens to be low carb. I got the recipe from Lyn's blog and my family and I like it better than any other meatloaf I've made, and we are big meat loaf lovers. (That could sound pathetic, couldn't it?) I've made it a point to make killer meatloaves as an adult because my mother's were so terrible; I think she just used ground meat, maybe an egg and white bread, and it was basically like eating dry hamburger steak that was only palatable when slathered in great quantities of the off-brand ketchup she bought. Wow - I digressed and got in a dig at my mom in one fell swoop, and both were unplanned and unintended!

Back to meat loaf - what makes Lyn's low carb is that it has no ketchup and no bread. Actually I can supply a link to it if you're interested - it's a different taste, and DELISH. Hopefully that second link gets you to the meatloaf, but if it doesn't, just click on menus on her menu bar and you'll see it in her list. Anyhoo, for the menfolk, I fixed potatoes and green beans (esp. for the Mister who doesn't like what I fixed for myself in lieu of potatoes, which was a winging it concoction of steamed cauliflower and broccoli, mashed together with a little butter, s&p, 2 cloves of garlic and about a tbs. of fat free 1/2&1/2. Wow, was the mashed mix really good - my son had 2 huge helpings, I had one, and enough left for some with lunch today. I felt entirely righteous, dude, having such a low carb healthy alternative to potatoes.

After work today I'm meeting a friend at Starbucks, and in the interest of keeping the WWP+ lower, I'll probably just have plain old coffee. I generally don't like SB coffee and am a latte fan, but I'm pretty sure a tall, which is their stupid smallest size, has 3 points I think. I'm going to google it later to see, because I'd much rather that. Then I'm seeing my family doc for a few things like refills and slip for blood work. I expect to talk tomorrow here about another topic about which I'm going to speak to the doc. For the cliffhanger, if has to do with HEALTH. And DENIAL. And STRIVING FOR ACCEPTANCE.

And I have to say that it's just beyond great to really be back here blogging. Already my mind is back in the mode of filing thoughts for publication the next day. Now if only I could get paid for the "published" products!

Just in from OOOPSville

2011-03-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday ended up being an almost perfect food for me, but for one ridiculous snack...I'm embarrassed to admit this, but after dinner I decided it would be a good idea to eat Pop Tarts - I had 2 frosted blueberry pop tarts which came to a shocking and definitely unworthy total of 11 points. Good grief - it was the only variance from my otherwise good day, but a substantial one. My 24 y/o son is living at home and has taken to eating 2 pop tarts and a banana on his way to work in the mornings - dubbing it the perfect on-the-move breakfast. He's 6'4" and probably weighs under 165, as in bean pole-esque. He can afford 2 pop tarts that boast a total dearth of nutrition. I cannot.

Her first mistake (my apologies to Lyle Lovett who has a kick ass song by that same title) was to open the pantry door after dinner. No good could come of that given that there is no fruit or yogurt in the pantry. Those would be the only things I'd eat after dinner if I was seriously following my food plan. Once I saw the pop tarts, which I don't even particularly like, my mind and spirit perked up like a lost puppy catching a glimpse of home. I don't know why other than there was no other junky sugary products on hand. Here was a fix I didn't expect to find.

Reporting this reminds me that one of the reasons I was tired of blogging was having to report the same kind of crap like this over and over. People are nice and say the right things like "it's over, let it go" along with plenty of other kind encouragement and support. But if I'm sick of hearing myself say the same things ad nauseum, how must any reader feel? I'm not asking for bloggy love and support - I'm just being honest about how being honest about my "episodes" makes me feel. And I can say honestly that the pop tarts were far from a delightful confection - they were just dumb pop tarts - sweet, sugary, white flour laden disappointing pseudo food stuff that didn't taste that good, didn't satisfy me, and definitely didn't fill any hole in my soul.

Despite my hating to report a TILT, it feels good to have a place to leave this stuff. It's nice being back amid the blogs and bloggers, and so nice to read friendly comments. Have a great day, everyone.

Catching up with intent to stay put

2011-03-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you to the blog friends who have checked up on me this last week. I'm doing fine. It's occurred to me that one of the reasons I've found blogging harder lately is that I am so much busier at work than I used to be that I simply don't have time at work to dream up ~~profound wisdom~~ fresh and interesting things about which to pontificate - much less type them out. We have admitted about 10 new clients in the last 3 months who are more medically complex than we've previously had and they keep me quite occupied.

I've almost always done my posts at work - either first thing before our clients start rolling in (literally, as we serve a mostly wheelchair bound population) or while I'm eating lunch. Once home I generally get caught up in other stuff, like the visible 1/8 inch of dust that rests on virtually every horizontal surface within. Sadly "getting caught up in" doesn't necessarily mean cleaning, but there are always things calling to me at home. Weekends are different but I haven't even settled in them long enough lately to post.

The way I have usually operated since starting the blog is that thoughts percolate constantly and I begin writing in my head before I get near the keyboard. But the muse, whoever she is, has been out of pocket lately - at least out of my pocket, and I just haven't been thinking/mind writing in the same way. Until the last few days when I realize that several things have been going on that I want to tell you guys. And I'm very happy to do so as I'm missing the blog community a lot. I haven't even done much reading of your posts in the last week.

I'll give you a ~~scintillating~~ boring update of what's going on in Leslieland:

1) My weight has been exactly the same for 3 weeks - a couple of midweek .4-.7 gains, but by the Sunday scale tribunal, I've been the same. Not bad, definitely not good when I want to lose 40 lbs. I have had some very good on-plan food days, and some where I'm over my points enough to have stopped counting. Siiigh. Thus the "plateau", which is a euphemism for I've not been doing so hot. I don't know whether the absence of blogging has impacted this and tend to think it hasn't. Recall that for the last 6-8 months, other than the 9 pounds I've lost since January with WWP+, I've been sort of maintaining this state of just not getting it together like I had it together over a year ago. Everyday it's my intention to stay within my 29 points and have a peaceful day with food. I'm still at it and will never quit.

2) My power walking has been great since it's possible to be outside for more than10 minutes now without freezing off one's cojones - or the equivalent female parts (I just love the word "cojones"). A couple of times I've walked the 5 mile loop at Ridley Creek State park that I love so much and have posted seasonal pics of over the last year and a half. Also have begun some weights and strength training at home with a program I got off the "Friends For Weight Loss" site, so exercise-wise I'm doing well. Most walks are ~3 miles.

3) While exercise is going well, my arthritic knees have been talking to me - rather popping and snapping at me quite a bit - occasional when I shift positions at a meeting or something, my left knee pops so loud it's heard round the table, to the uneasy surprise of all in attendance! The popping doesn't hurt, but they're also stiff in the mornings and with damp weather and achy at times. Nothings keeps me from being able to walk or move around; in fact the knees feel much worse when I don't do some concerted exercising. It's really true with arthritis that movement is key.

However, because I'm planning to walk a half marathon at the end of May with some friends and hopefully my daughter, I want my knees to be in the best possible shape. So this morning I began a series of 3 weekly injections into each knee of a substance called Euflexxa - which is a brand of a substance extracted from bovine joints designed to cushion, lubricate and protect arthritic joints. I know several people who've used it and had good results, so I decided to give it a try. Other than being stuck in each knee with a 2 inch needle, it was basically a non-event this morning getting the first week's worth. The next 2 Mondays I'll get the rest of the treatment, and hopefully will get 6-9 months of improvement in all aspects of knee function. And the shots really didn't hurt much at all.

4) Recall I got a Kindle for Christmas and was so excited about it. While I have it loaded with many free classics Amazon offers plus a few other purchased books, I just used it to read a whole book (the Girl Who Played With Matches) about 2 weeks ago. It was fine to read it that way, but turns out I like the tactile rewards of holding the real book in my hand - the ability to easily flip ahead - not to read what's coming but to see if certain characters are still figuring in, or what REAL page I'm on, etc. It's funny - I just feel like I'm only getting a partially satisfying reading experience with the Kindle. I'll still use it, but my default preference will always be an old fashioned book.

5) I started attending a meditation for group that just began last Wednesday evening. It's for people in 12 step recovery who are interested in deepening their practice of meditation, and includes a Buddhist perspective on the 12 steps. I'm really excited about it, especially to discover that I was able to stay awake easily the first night when we did a 25 minute silent meditation at 8 p.m. Often I'm in my jammies and starting to head-bob by that time, given my early rising (~4-4:30 am). I think it's going to be a wonderful tool for me to find more ability to sit quietly and attempt to not let every thought that bubbles up hook me and send me down any number of "what if" paths.

6) Finally, back in January I talked about starting to read Marianne Williamson's book A Course in Weight Loss. I was going to get back to you and let you know what I thought of it. Hope you weren't holding your collective breaths as I'm just now reporting on it. Turns out I found it WAY too new agey, and with no really new material. Each chapter is a "lesson" on some aspect of personal understanding and healing, with lots of questionnaires and work book type activity to help the reader get to the core of the emotional and spiritual pain that is driving their overeating. While there were some great questions and exercises for helping the reader to discover shame, pain, anger, resentments, guilt, etc, there seemed to be a lot of redundancy in some of the mental and writing exercises she offered.

Having been in AA for 19 1/2 years and worked the 12 steps at depth, I think the material didn't offer anything I hadn't already worked at. If working at "healing the child within" and finding spiritual grounding
is what is necessary to lose weight, I'd be emaciated. The step work I've done over the years has brought me much healing, and there is much left to be healed. Marianne's book is a good tool for someone who doesn't have other means of finding ways to change one's thinking and behaviors, but it is no substitute for the 12 steps of recovery that were offered first through AA and adapted by many other fellowships over the years.

Clearly my recent absence from the blogosphere has not left me at a loss for words! This is pretty long, and I'm sure I'll think of other things to talk about in coming days. It feels good to write and let some random and tangential thoughts pour out through my fingertips. And I hope that the good food day I've had to this point continues until I close my eyes to this day.

Feeling it if just a bit

2011-03-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Two days in a row...do I sense a trend? Perhaps an easing back into full on blogging? Well, at least today I'm in full on mode. It was nice having a reason to check for comments yesterday - a nice zero calorie treat for sister ego!

It's interesting how everything can teach us something. I just decided to throw some thoughts out yesterday and heard from good friends - this is a truly great community. I have a vision of a big Blogger Love In Meet and Greet coming right here to the city of brotherly and sisterly love.

A couple things prompted me to write again today. First, I was just in one of the classrooms at work, and as I was walking out, 2 co-workers said they could see I was losing weight. Really? It's only about 9 pounds since mid January and starting WW, but with where my weight is right now I am almost comfortably back into a new "old" lower size (or an old new lower size?) that was actually getting too big before "the great gain of 2010" that you all have been virtually witnessing for many months. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I am beginning to feel stronger in my vow to never quit this weight loss effort. And it was nice to hear someone notice (though I tell myself they were just being nice).

More important than feeling stronger, I'm really desiring it again - right down to visualizing a trimmer and more fit incarnation of myself, both physically and emotionally. For so much of last year, I couldn't get myself psyched up about getting back on track. I wanted to lose weight. I didn't want to gain. But I also wanted to have my cake. Along with a smorgasboard of other edible unmentionables of the highly processed and empty calorie variety.

Through a very twisted brand of scale roulette, I managed to not go above a certain number (212 from a low in 2009 of 192) and I was hovering between 208-210. We're talking not small - but not horrible either. 16s were still squeezable into - though performed the equivalent of creating a link of sausage effect down my torso which is always such an attractive look. ARGH. Think lumpy square moosey body. It was very frustrating, and to be honest a little scary that I had thoughts of just accepting myself as a size 16 - it's better than __(fill in whatever)__ . Of course I couldn't let myself lapse to that extent - and this is a place where ego and pride actually served me well.

Please know I'm not sitting in judgment of anyone at any place in their weight loss journey - AT ALL. I know full well that inside me lives a 150 pound lean healthy woman along side a morbidly obese, short of breath, with dire health consequences woman. If I forget that fact as a bona fide food addict, it would take only a short time to be seriously headed to the opposite self than whom I desire to embody. I'm grateful that ~something~ kicks in to prevent a full on self destruct for this gal.

I have a friend in AA who often says that any given moment, he's a moment away from his best self AND a moment away from his absolute worst self. As an addict, it's important that I remember this and stay vigilant. With booze it's an all or nothing proposition (at least for me). Food is so much more slippery - trying to convince me that being "less obese" is better than being moreso. That maintaining a weight that is still unhealthy, still in the obese category of the BMI (I know, a flawed measure, but still) is okay, and better than whatever is worse and higher.

Why do I tend to settle for less than my best truest self? I guess because it's hard to find her without sustained concerted effort and hard work, which is tough to muster when one's addictive monkey is sitting on her shoulder wooing her to the dark side. For a long time I just couldn't get my mojo back for being my own best friend and advocate, despite "trying". And now, finally, I'm feeling a bit of my inner warrior awaken again, and I'm so grateful.

Well - all that was just going to be about people noticing a little weight loss! Some things never change with this verbose blogger:).

The second thing I was going to say was I had peeled and sectioned a grapefruit this morning in my office to have over the course of the day (and add to my salad, which is my newest craze - awesome). When I walked into my office after the weight loss comment, my office smelled heavenly - fresh, citrusy and like a grove of grapefruit trees. My parents owned a small grapefruit grove in Florida when we first moved there from Long Island when I was 4 - I've been a grapefruit lover forever, and recently "rediscovered" their amazing essence and sensual delight.

Fly by

2011-03-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

I'm just beginning to Jones a bit for my blog life - not enough to be ready to jump back in full throttle, but I'm definitely starting to not like being "apart from" rather than "a part of". I thought I'd just check in briefly with a non-update, since things have been fairly steady.

I am seeing that checking in more often with the blog positively impacts my day to day thinking as it pertains to sanity with food and getting my body moving. My eating has been okay - definitely not perfect and definitely not staying within the parameters of my daily and weekly points allowance. I haven't had any bingeing, but more sugar laden calories have passed through my portal than is adviseable for the sugar addict, and once sugar is on board it is much harder for me to stay clean. Fortunately I haven't gained any weight, but my loss last week was a whopping 0.2 lbs, which I consider a maintain. I've said it a thousand times...I can do better, especially with the weight I have yet to lose.

The thing that has helped me most of late is getting more exercise in. The weather has moderated to the point where one does not need to wear polar anoraks and silk undies to stay warm outside. But the total effect of less exercise over the winter (despite my membership at a cadillac gym - more on that in a sec) has really made me soft and lazy. I always love to get out for a good 3-5 mile brisk walk, and the weather has definitely been accomodating, but when I get home from work, I kinda don't wanna. Poor moi - I just want to sit and watch Oprah before heading to the kitchen for the newest installment of WTF can I fix for dinner tonight? I have been getting out with the dog, and I think him for his endless need in that area because without it, I'd very likely decide "tomorrow I'll get back to all that...". His walks have been pretty sorry as I've taken to making a U-turn as soon as he's performed the required elements. I can tell he's disgusted with me, and I'm promising his and you all that beginning today, the walk will be NO LESS than 30 minutes.

Regarding the cadillac gym - I've decided to give up my membership because they've just gone up to $90.00 a month. I'm sure it would be possible to get ninety bucks worth of benefit monthly from it, but in my quest to get real with myself, I know I'm not going to do it. Once it's warm, I want to be outside - walking, jogging if the knees allow, and possibly biking. (I'm considering getting a bike so I can ride to work daily which would be great in a thousand ways.) My gym offers classes, but if you can believe this, many have an extra cost on top of the $90/month. It's a great gym, but for this 55+ gal who works full time and may even be adding an extra hour to my work day beginning in July, I'm never going to get my money's worth. I absolutely believe/know that I can get a good full body workout, including strength training, apart from in a gym setting. The secret - doing it. If I'm going to screw around and not put for the effort I'm capable of physically, I might as well not pay the premium.

I finally sampled the oft-mentioned-on-the-blogs McDonald's oatmeal a few mornings ago and loved it. My understanding is that it's 7 points+ total. Not bad for breakfast. Problem is...you guessed it....it's too good. The day I had that before work, I wanted sweets and junk all day long. It set up the the insulin response, apparently, that made staying to my plan torturous. I give it 2 thumbs up for taste, 2 thumbs down for enabling me to stay on plan.

That's about it - sorry for the random and tangential nature of this post. Just wanted to check in and say hi. I'm staying current with a lot of blogs, but it has been nice to take a break. We just have to figure out how to take care of ourselves a day at a time. Today, checking in makes me happy! I hope everyone is doing well.

The path diverges

2011-02-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

I need to write and do something I've probably needed to do for awhile, but have been valiantly trying to ignore and steamroll through. This is a classic somewhat self-not-respecting behavior pattern of not trusting my gut and listening to my inner voice. This morning as I fired up my work computer, I knew I could no longer deny that I need a blog vacation. I'm just not feeling the blogging for the last couple of months, which is a huge surprise to me. I'm still feeling the reading of others' blogs, but I can tell the quality of my writing (which is a direct result of the content of my thoughts and feelings) is not what it has been in the past. Maybe I'm feeling a bit stale in the thought and word generation arena, and it's not satisfying to fake it.

I'm thinking this is a temporary state, but for today I know I can't continue to write stuff that I have to think up. My best writing has always flowed through my fingertips, appearing on the "page" before I actually am sure what's going to come out. The germ of an idea, or more often - internal angst, has always been my best and truest muse. That's how I've always know I'm a "real" writer - that the written word as it flows through my consciousness is my most effective medium for self expression. That's not to say I'm talented or gifted or any other laudable artiste. Rather, writing really allows the best me to emerge. When I have to "come up with" fodder about which to blog and start dreading trying to crank out something clever or wise or whatever ego driven bullshit I call it, I know it's time to step away for a bit.

I'll still be reading and commenting, esp. on my top 10 (or 50) favorites. I feel genuine friendships have formed for me with several of you, and to not stay current on what's going on in your worlds isn't even an option. But I am continually feeling called to invest my time in more personal reflection and establishing a more consistent practice of meditation and spiritual development. Maybe after a week, I'll be all evolved and self actualized and back here ragging on about every little thing that my spirit sends our through these fingers. But for now, the spirit is saying to honor my gut and take a step back for a bit.

I've pondered this for a couple of months - longer, really; but sister ego has said "you'll lose followers...", "you'll be forgotten in a flash", on and on with messages that actually reveal core low self-esteem that I desire to let go of. And guess what? I've already lost a few. And what does that mean, really - in the big picture?When this blog is more ego feeding proposition than honest outpouring of my inner landscalpe, my writing becomes ho hum and forced. Lifeless. And please, PUH-LEESE know I'm not asking for any compliments and commentary about the life or quality of my writing. I'm just saying what is for now.

So - I'll see how it goes. In the meantime, know I'm still doing well with WWP+, beginning to get out and do some long walks, and intending to come on down the scale. You know damn well that when I hit any big milestone, like a certain re-entry into Onederland in the coming weeks - I'll be blabbing it all over the airwaves! Keep the faith, dear bloggers.

Weekend Rag-a-logue

2011-02-21T03:28:00.000-08:00

This has been a crazy winter for me, and the last 3 days are no exception. Friday we had an inservice day with no clients - just some welcome down time having staff meetings and then presentations on some different topics. I woke up feeling great - perfectly normal, but after sitting in the first meeting for about 20 minutes, I started feeling very weird and light headed. I kept thinking it would pass, but it didn't, so I finally decided to take the last 4 hours of my day as a sick day. Lightheadedness was the only symptom, but it was unnerving.

As I was driving the 5 minutes home, it dawned on me that I'd had that fall on the ice less than 2 weeks ago and maybe I should call my family doc and just see if he thought I should come in and get checked. I talked to his tech and ran the whole thing by. She was going to talk to him but thought he'd want me to come in. Well, 2 hours later she called me back to report he said I should go to the emergency room immediately. Really? Are you kidding? By then I was definitely feeling a bit better, but being a dutiful patient, hubby and I headed off to the local ER - the same one I went to the morning I hit my head.

It was open season in the ER, just packed with a horrifying variety of everything from broken fingers to what appeared to be life threatening conditions. Because I was a possible "head", I got triaged fast by the same guy who'd triaged me 2 weeks prior. We had a great rapport, and given that all seemed intact on me, he very nicely expedited me getting another head CAT scan. He said if it was normal I'd go right to Fast Track and home, but if there was any change, I'd obviously have to come into the real ER - God forbid.

Within 10 minutes I was being whisked off to get the scan, so I was thinking I'd be out in a flash (God willing!). I came back and took my seat next to hubby in the waiting room, and then...not 1, not 2, but 3 hours later I finally got called to Fast Track. By that time, my lightheaded was gone, and my biggest affliction was extreme pangs of hunger from not eating since about 6:30 a.m. It was now almost 5! During those 3 hours, we sat among bloody fingers, screaming babies, a serious eye injury and several folks who had loud hacking terrible coughs and respiratory symptoms. I felt like I should get up and help some of these folks, and in fact helped an older lady get to the bathroom because she was limping terribly, and her ride had left.
I actually wondered if hubby was going to come down with something from the exposure to all the exploding germs and sickness...he tends to be a big baby if he so much as sneezes, so I was thinking purely of my own welfare.

Obviously the scan was fine, and off we went home. I felt good enough at that point to have a yogurt and then take the dog for a 2 mile walk. All was well, until I woke up Saturday morning with a distinct sore throat. I decided to will it away, and carried on with my planned catch up activities from the lost Friday in the ER. But as the dare wore on, my nose got stuffy, I got a bit achy, and was clearly getting something. Saturday night I hacked, coughed and literally had to stuff my nostrils with tissue to keep them from constantly draining. Just a bad cold, which on me invariably ends up with a sinus infection, and now I realize that was likely the cause of my lightheadness Friday. I was a mess Saturday night, and Sunday after dragging myself to WW for my weigh in, spent all day on the couch sniffling, trying to get Afrin into my totally occluded nostrils...really lovely. I literally watched 4 sequential 2 hour McBride movies on the Hallmark movie channel! Very edifying, let me tell you.

This morning I'm a little better, and decided to get my sorry self up, shower and go to my morning meeting. Just having stood in the steam of the shower helped clear my head some. I started on an antibiotic yesterday that I always have to go on if I get a sinus infection, so I should be covered as far as being contagious, though sinus infections tend to not be anyway.

I'm starting to think I need to enter the geriatric blogging community (is there one?) instead of the weight loss community! I'm really tired of being an endless rag with complaining, falling and being sick! As I used to tell the frequent flyer kids when I was a school nurse...I'm the sickest healthy person I know. Not really...but I'm just ready for warm weather and being able to walk around without fear of black ice that lands me in sickness infused waiting rooms!

On to my weigh in - the reason I was determined to get there yesterday morning was that I had a good week, and I was hoping for a big loss (~2-3 lbs?). Well - to add insult to injury, my loss was .6 lbs. Not stellar, but better than a gain. I was annoyed, but not deterred in any way.

My big task today is going to be spending probably upwards of 2 hours on the phone with Dell's tech support getting my laptop off the critical list. I really dread it - was going to do it yesterday but just didn't have it in me. I feel like I've lost an arm not having it - which is utterly ridiculous. But not having it is another reason my blogging has been sparse this weekend. Hopefully later I'll be able to catch up on other blogs - but our only other computer is the desk top that hubby is on all day for work. Since it's a holiday, maybe he won't be needing it as much.

Here's to a great week for everyone.

Forbidden fruit

2011-02-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

Well, another one bites the dust for this blogger. Another seemingly benign food item, that is. I have finally developed a taste for some reduced fat cheeses - not to eat to excess, but just to use (in moderation) instead of their higher fat equivalents. The non-organic brand I like best now is Sargento - the taste of their reduced fat Swiss actually bears a reasonable resemblance to real Swiss, which no others I've tried do. Same with their cheddar - both shredded and sliced, so I often use these on my breakfast sandwiches, though lately I've been going cheese-free with them.

But they also make reduced fat colby cheese sticks that are packaged just like string cheese. The usual mozarella string cheese, low fat or regular, are fine - but mozarella doesn't generally top my favorite list. It's fine, but not even a real treat. But the Sargento 60 calorie less than 2 point colby cheese sticks are yummy. I actually like them better than their full fat version which are 80 calories a pop. The reduced fat ones are firmer and less creamy which makes them resemble REAL cheese, so it's mostly a texture thing.

Therein lies the problem. I've been buying them for awhile, feeling very saintly with my sensible reduced fat selection. Then I discovered that if I stick one in the freezer for 10-15 minutes before eating, it's even firmer and more legit tasting. That's okay with one stick a day when it's counted in with the rest of my points. Yesterday, for some reason, I ended up having 5 over about 2 hours after work. Yes, I tracked them. Yes, it was better than cookies, chips or other assorted foodstuffs in which I've been known to partake.

So - I'm not buying them anymore, and I'm not eating the ones left. I've informed hubby and son that they need to eat 'em up, or else they'll be brought to work where they will get scarfed in a big hurry.

So now, there are dried cranberries, most crackers (esp. saltines because I discovered how good they taste with butter), most cookies, and innocent little Colby cheese sticks. I believe I can live a long happy life without ever having one again. Moderation, intuition, mindfulness...as these all relate to eating, are great. But it's important to know my threshold items that will invariably send me to the dark side. Because I intuitive know that I can't eat just one.

Thinking vs. Taking Action

2011-02-16T10:27:00.000-08:00

I now have an additional reason for not posting for the last 2 days...yesterday my precious laptop was inadvertantly knocked over and thudded onto a carpeted floor. I had it leaning against a table leg and bumped it so it flopped over flat on the carpet. It seemed so inocuous at the time that I didn't even think to check it out immediately, but an hour later I went to turn it on and kept getting a message saying "A problem has been detected" with options to run a check, etc. After 3 tries, it dawned on me that it's "fall" was likely the culprit. DAMN! I hate when I discover a problem and slowly realize I was likely the cause. I have an email in to Dell but haven't heard back yet. Here is yet another indicator from the universe that I need to slow down and not be on autopilot as I move through my days. HARUMPH.

Okay - I have a confession to make...I've gotten sloppy about tracking points this week. So much of what I eat for breakfast and lunch are repeat meals where I've come to know the points and run the tally in my head, intending to write them on the tracker, but not getting around to it. If dinner is something that needs me to look up the points or pull out the calculator, I just sort of wing it in my head. This is NOT GOOD. I'm sure I've stayed within my daily allotment each day, and haven't borrowed from the extra 49 for the week, but how can I be sure if I don't write it all down.

Why do I resist this discipline so much?? Most discipline, as a matter of fact. For a couple of weeks it was fresh and new and gave me a feeling of power over my intake of food to write down my food, before I even ate it. Then it slowly became a pain in the rear to have to get out the tracker...I know oatmeal, I know my standard breakfast sandwich, the salads I fix for lunch, the roasted veggies, etc. I am vowing to get back to tracking and just pulled out a fresh (and unused one so far this week) and have written in points for the day.

There are a couple of sayings in AA that I think are fantastic, and apply here, IMHO.

1) "You can act your way into right thinking but you can't think your way into right acting."

2) "Bring the body around and the mind will follow." This one refers initially to when one begins AA for the first time and everything seems so foreign, confusing and overwhelming. But it really has relevance for embarking on any new endeavor.

Now obviously these don't mean that you shouldn't plan and create goals and strategies. But all that "thinking" can't achieve desired results or I'd have weighed 150 pounds within 6 months of beginning this weight loss journey. Alas, it's been 20 months, and while I started out great by actually DOING (taking action) what was required (losing ~30 pounds in the first 6 months and going from 222lbs to 192), I began floundering when I had 2 injuries that sidelined me from exercising for a time. And since March of 2010, when I had my 2nd knee arthroscopic surgery - I've struggled and just not been able to renew my previous level of commitment and ACTION.

So while I've been doing better about tracking, eating and exercising since I began WW in January, the little frustrations have already begun to negatively affect my ACTIONS - so far only with the tracking, but I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't take much for me to begin the slippery slope back into floundering. This doesn't have to happen, especially since I have the awareness of it at this juncture.

Even though I don't "want" to track, which is a thinking function, I can track anyway, which is ACTION. I don't have to like it to do it. I know that it's an important tool and will help me stay on plan, which will inevitably lead to desired results, which will make me feel good about myself, more content and peaceful - which are thinking functions.

Boy - writing that last paragraph drives home something I've read from a few other bloggers in the last few weeks...that I THINK TOO MUCH. If that helped me, it'd be okay. It doesn't help - it muddies my mind and my resolve. It pulls me away from my intentions, and then my willingness to continue taking the right actions wanes. And I slide back into overeating at best, bingeing at worst.

So I will do the next right thing, which in this instance is tracking. It's a simple discipline that will help remind me of what I want and what I'm striving for. I'm a fast forgetting, so I need all the reminders I can get. And now I'm off to eat my salad...after I track it :) !

If not now, when?

2011-02-13T10:35:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since Wednesday! I've read blogs and commented, but my job is getting continually busier, and I'm just not having the time to sit and write that I used to have there. Actually it's good, because being busy makes the day fly by, but I have to figure out home time where I can sit and ponder and write.

First - I weighed in this morning and lost another 2 pounds! I'm very pleased with that, esp. since there were 3 days when I borrowed heavily from my 49 points weekly allotment over the base daily points. Weight Watchers says that even if you use all 49 extra points in a week and stay on plan otherwise, you'll still lose, but I've been skeptical. I have such a black and white mindset when it comes to food. The 49 extra points are great, but they can make me feel like I'm cheating, which sets my obsessive mind into motion and if left unchecked (the mind, that is) can ultimately send me down the garden path to overeating.

I see that working this over the long haul, which is a lot longer than I've been doing it thus far, can definitely simulate a moderate eating intake that allows for occasional extras and "off plan" items - like cookies, or a bagel. Because truly, nothing is off plan as long as you tally in the points faithfully. I think it will take a long time for me to relax into a rhythm of reasonable eating with occasional splurges that don't start my eating disordered thoughts churning.

Here is a confession that will likely seem really nuts to some of you, and is the reason I will never again do a rigid 12 step food program...I don't want to live a life where I can't have an occasional off day where I enjoy more food and some of the wrong things than I do most of the time. I really believe that if I do well 80 % of the time (or more of course), I will be successful in the big picture.

Actually maybe I believe that in general about all of us - but maybe I'll find that my unique brand of eating disorder will never allow indulgences without triggering my own dreaded binge behavior. Overeatears Anonymous tells me that if I'm a true food addict, eventually I WILL return to compulsive and binge eating. I don't want that to be true. I want to make peace with food. I accept that certain foods are likely to trigger the inner binge-er and I get that I probably can't safely eat those things.

All this reflection is making me think of intuitive and mindful eating that I read about so much in the blogs. Truly I'm not sure I will ever achieve either of those states. I certainly hope so, but I'd say I have a very long way to go to get the weight off and maintain the loss for awhile before I can even comprehend the possibility of that. Peace with food sounds so appealing. And so elusive for now.

I am definitely seeing improvement in my eating, my attitude toward the scale and my baseline of optimism about sticking and staying on this journey. I'm tired of backslides and being the poster child for "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU". I'm weary of losing the same pounds over and over. I'm no spring chicken and in my desire to become even less of one (translate: live another 30 years or so) it seems to be my time. If not now, when? I'm more hopeful and calmer about this matter of weight and food than I've ever been. Please may that translate into lasting results and the deep psychic change required to sustain the results. I'm grateful for the relative peace I feel today. If not with food, then with myself.

And the beat goes on..

2011-02-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

Good morning, good blog friends! Thanks to all for being glad I didn't manage to off myself with my "skating" injury on Sunday. I truly feel blessed, esp. since recounting my story to several friends and hearing of 2 individuals who lost parents that way (one in the comments yesterday). I know I was lucky. Also, thanks for reading through that very long post...I needed to write about it, and we all know that I'm never at a loss for words!

Also I just want to clarify that I went to WW to weigh in AFTER I was cleared at the ER, not on the way! One person commented that the head injury would have been a valid excuse not to weigh. When I was discharged from the ER, I had no restrictions on activity so the quick weigh in did not seem unwise. From WW's scale I headed home to the couch and stayed there for the duration.

Because of yesterday's lengthy tome, I will keep this brief, but I wanted to note a couple of food/eating related items. First is that on Sunday when I got home from the ER and WW "outing", I had absolutely no appetite at all, even though I hadn't eaten anything prior to leaving the house that morning. I knew I should have something but I couldn't bear the thought of food at all. No nausea or stomach upset, but I guess the trauma of the morning turned off my forever ON appetite.

Very interesting - I've heard people say that they tend to overeat when sad; or happy; or stressed; or worried. Similarly have I heard people say the opposite...that they can't eat when any of the above. And I've always thought to myself, "Well, I desire to eat no matter what. And with any of those above emotional states, I tend to eat MORE...feeling entitled to "unwind"; or "let go"; or "comfort myself". Honestly, while I was at the ER, I had thoughts of "if I turn out to be fine, I'm having a cheat day", even though I wasn't wanting to eat at that moment. I wish that my utter disdainful feeling for eating that day signals a new trend in my eating disordered pattern. By around 3 p.m. I finally had a whole wheat English muffin with PB2 and a measured amount of strawverry preserves. It tasted good, and it was enough. Around 7 p.m. we had tacos and refried beans that my son prepared, and I just had a good size taco salad with all the trimmings but no shell. And that was it. I gave myself permission to have something else - fruit or a Chobani - because I knew I had many points left for the day. I just didn't want anything. Not only was this phenomenon very interesting...it was very strange. And as you might imagine...temporary. Monday morning found me back to my usual appetite and having to make myself measure and weigh my portions for lunch!

I got another nice walk yesterday - about 2 miles, and feel the residual body aches from the fall subsiding. I'm feeling comfortable with the Points+ plan, and overall doing well with it. I'm hoping to start taking more food pics when I fix WWP+ recipes. I haven't fixed a bad one yet!

**Do you notice a trend in your eating related to stress or emotional ups and downs?**

A Rude Awakening

2011-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

One thing that annoys me is when my job gets in the way of my blogging! I mean really, how dare I not have a chance to write my own post, much less read and comment on others?! Obviously I'm kidding, but yesterday I never had a minute to do my usual goofing off during quiet times, and after work I did a 3 mile walk and then had to get dinner going. After I post I'm going to catch up on reading YOUR stuff. The few blogs I got to comment on yesterday were in the early morning.

Now that I said all that, I realize I really don't have that much to say.

Actually, I do. I didn't write about this Sunday because I was still dazed and stunned by an experience I had early that morning that was totally preventable had I been paying attention to what I was doing. I wrote about my weight and food prep and created a nice facade of normalcy, but I was feeling anything but normal when I wrote that post late Sunday morning.

I'm not sure why I wasn't going to post about the experience...maybe because I'm a bit ashamed of how scatterbrained and "unpresent in the moment" I was in a way that resulted in an accident that could have been much more serious than it turned out to be. Also, my daughter reads this and I didn't want her to see it until I told her about it. Turns out the event wasn't a big deal, but it shook me to my core and hopefully jolted me solidly into living and being HERE. NOW. At all times.

I was up early Sunday morning so I could go to a produce place that opens at 6:30 a.m. I do this often - get in and get out fast with my goods before they get crowded - which they do. Then I go to my 7 a.m. daily AA meeting, which is what I did that morning. This meeting is held at a local borough hall that also happens to house the police station. All winter, their parking lot has been ridiculously icy, snow covered and very poorly plowed, so we've all gotten used to dodging certain icy spots that seem to refreeze every night.

That morning I arrived a few minutes late and wanted to get upstairs to the meeting fast. So I got out of my car, noticed a couple of people walking up who I didn't want to get talking to before the meeting because I knew we'd be even later getting in. So I took off in my usual hyper pace - completely failing to THINK or LOOK at the pavement as I bolted across. I suddenly hit ice - going fast, and slipped up and hit the ground HARD. I landed on my sit bones (butt), elbows, and my the back of my head literally bounced on the pavement. HARD and Loud. There were police in the parking lot changing shift, and they came running over..."Oh NOing" and noting they heard my head hit the ground. I know I yelled out because of the shock of my head hitting so hard - and it happened in an instant. Everytime I think of it I still cringe.

They gathered round - and I was totally dazed but didn't lose consciousness. However, almost immediately I got a huge swelling/hematoma forming at the site (which I knew was a "good thing"), that a friend this morning said was the size of half an orange. The lump on the back of my head was visible under my hair, to give you an idea of how big it was. Never in my life has anything like that happened to me - it's one thing to fall and twist an ankle, even break an arm or something - but to have this hard head injury scared the living crap out of me.

The police immediately were getting my info, and escorted me inside to sit, which I couldn't do because I was so antsy and freaked out, and very shaky and probably shocky. 3 good friends stayed along with the cops, and then another policeman came in and said he'd call paramedics. UGH! I was starting to think I was probably okay because I could tell I was neuologically intact, but still scared that maybe I'd develop a problem that wasn't yet evident.

Anyway, the paramedics arrived in 8 minutes or so and were basically no help - they shined a flashlight in my eyes and then said, "Well, it's your choice if you want to go to an ER and get checked out." My choice? I suggested that they were the experts and they said they couldn't guarantee I was or wasn't okay. Gee, thanks. Long story less long is that my friends were insisting I go and get checked at an ER, and I knew it was necessary, so a friend took me over and I called the husband and let him know what was up. I told him I thought I was okay, and since he had 2 commitments at church, he sent our 24 y/o son Stephen to sit with me at the ER. Stephen was just a wonderful support and helped me to further settle down.

I got seen fast at the ER (Sunday morning at 7:15 is a usually a quiet time in an ER if you decide to have your own incident), and the doc said he thought I was okay and probably didn't need a CAT Scan, but because I take Advil most mornings which can have blood thinning properties, he ordered it, which I'm glad he did. It turned out totally normal except for the huge hematoma on the back of my head - but OUTSIDE the skull, which is okay. By then the head would was really stinging, and I was starting to get a killer headache, but knowing all was okay I decided to not even take Tylenol. We left the ER by 9:30 and Steve took me to get my car and then followed me so I could weigh in at WW before I came home to plotz on the couch for the rest of the day.

As the day wore on, I started getting soreness in my neck, sit bones, elbows and even my ribs. Yesterday morning when I woke up from a crappy night of sleep, I was really achy and did take some Advil finally. But overall, I felt okay, and my killer headache was gone and hasn't yet returned. So against friends' and family's advice, I came to work and had a busy day that kept me from thinking about myself, which I would have done had I stayed home.

It may sound like I'm being a drama queen, but this experience really jolted me into awareness of how automatically I operate through the various activities of my days. I'm often in autopilot as I do routine stuff, thinking about anything but what I'm doing in the moment. I race around like a whirling dervish - actually like I'm still a 30-something mom multi-tasking my way through life. After I told my close friend and neighbor this story she commented, "The young person we still feel like inside doesn't match the bodies we have on the outside when we're getting up in the 50s and beyond!" No joke.

I did a lot of reflecting and meditating on the couch Sunday afternoon, and I almost feel like God was saying to me that I'd had 2 minor slips on ice this winter where I just ended up on my knee or my side, and still I wasn't getting that I needed to slow down and think before I set off into action. So I got literally hit over the head to drive home the point. While my outcome was good, it could have been serious. People have died from slipping on ice and hitting their heads - I'm pretty sure that's how Dr. Atkins (of the diet) passed away.

I can say that I have been scared and shaken into slowing down. Yesterday and today, I've been trying to stay aware of what I'm doing and paying attention to where I am. It's not going to be easy. This morning as I drove home after my morning meeting, I actually started to unfasten my seat belt before I turned on to my street... I was back in my usual "facilitate the next thing" mode by taking off the seat belt long before I even got to my driveway. TILT. At least I caught it, and after the initial "how stupid ARE you Leslie?" rhetoric percolated into my consciousness, I stopped and said to self, "Don't judge. Just notice and correct where possible."

So that's what's been going on with Leslie. Still lots of lessons for this recovering careless self centered alcoholic to learn about how to live a day at a time and practice genuine self care. Life is lived in the now, which is a place I am often just passing through on my way to whatever the next thing is. I am grateful that I didn't incur a more serious injury, and grateful for this wake up call from the universe to slow down and enjoy the ride. Now the challenge will be to keep the learned lesson in my awareness when the intensity of the scary incident starts to subside. Remind me of it when you hear my motor running to fast.

***p.s. My head wound is still very tender to touch, but my headache from Sunday and early yesterday is gone. You can still feel some mushy stuff back there, which is the hematoma that hasn't yet reabsorbed. But the biggest swelling has subsided, and since I know the mushy stuff isn't my brain, I'm okay with it! My elbows, the sides of my neck and ribs and my rear end are still a bit sore, but much better. I think taking the walk yesterday afternoon probably helped the healing.***

Weigh in and Sunday thoughts

2011-02-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

I lost 2 pounds this week, which puts me almost back at my lowest since joining WW, minus .2 pounds. I'm happy with that. But this week ahead, just like I vowed last week, is hopefully going to be a no restaurant or other special meal week. I know that if I just stick to my plan with no cheat days, using only my daily plus weekly allotment of points, I can have another slightly more substantial gain. My neighbor who is doing this with me is getting really into it now, which is great. So - a successful week, but I think I can do better.

Not much else to report. It's been a nice weekend. It's funny that at most of the places I've shopped this weekend, the check out people have asked "Are you ready for Sunday night?" After the first round of that I knew they were referring to the Super Bowl. Once our beloved Eagles were out of the mix, I lost total interest in the whole thing. I'll be either reading, watching mindless HGTV, or sleeping.

I'm doing my usual Sunday food prep for the week. Just roasted a pan of brussel sprouts, butternut squash and onion tossed with garlic, a Tbs. of olive oil and S&P. I hard boiled a dozen eggs, and will also wash and spin a bunch of lettuce and cut up some other salad type vegetables for fast thrown together salads during the week.

Oh - and one more thing...obviously I've changed my template to get rid of the "blues". Please let me know if there is any more drama with my blog from the reader end...I had no idea that I was coming up blue so much, even when what I saw was normal! And thanks to all who had good suggestions and offered help about my possible move to Wordpress.

That's it from me for today. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope if you have a Superbowl preference, your team wins!

Blogger Blooper?

2011-02-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

2 people in the comments from yesterday noted that my background was blue - which it definitely isn't, but I had the SAME problem! I don't know what happened, but for a few hours I couldn't read anything on my own blog. It had to be a Blogger issue, but I am to tech-norant (tech ignorant) to know what it was or even how to communicate with Blogger about it. I'm so sorry for the people who could read the post because it could have changed your lives!!! Hahahaha...so untrue, but the situation is very annoying for me. I seem to have more issues with Blogger than the a-ver-age bear, and it may be my ignorance, but it also may be Blogger's blooper, to say it in a very unwarranted kind way.

Lately there are a lot of blogs with the word verification that when I go to comment there is no word to verify so you have to go through the annoying process of sending it with no word verification, receive blogger's angry message that what you typed was wrong even though you typed nothing because THEY DIDN'T HAVE A WORD TO VERIFY - etc... Sorry for the mini rant but this plays with my head big time. It's actually beginning to make me want to switch to Wordpress, but I don't know if I can keep the whole blog and archives if I do that. Any technomarvels out there? Plus it even irritates me to have to type so many words about THEIR problem.

Okay - glad I got that off my chest! And I want to be able to put a smiley face in that isn't a collection of cleverly arranged punctuation - how do I do THAT? Maybe I need a professional to sit and guide me through the process. I'm a very quick study, even with computer matters, but this stuff is definitely not intuitive for me!

Just slid back into mini rant - but I think I'm done and can move on. Let it go, Leslie!! But when the amazing Miz (Carla) can't read my post, know that I'm going in with bloxing gloves.
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Both my special meals yesterday were GREAT. And with both, I have no real idea how to quantify the points - with some stuff I could, but I've decided to rack them up as TILT (think pinball machines that go into hypermode at times, and yes, I'm dating myself). I know I'm well beyond by 29 daily plus 49 for the week, but I also know that my eating has still been mostly on track most days. I've done well 4 out of the 6 so far this week, and after today where I WILL stay on plan, it will be 5 out of 7. That is such an improvement for me from what I was doing in December and beyond that I refuse to feel bad or engage in any self pummeling about it.

One thing I think I will do is something that Vickie and Baby Steps V sugeested which is to weigh Sunday morning at WW rather than Saturday. That way I have an extra day to work off the sodium and assorted other items that may obscure my weight tomorrow morning. Maybe that's a little gamey, but I have to play the cards I'm dealt, and if I show a gain tomorrow, or even a maintain after the good overall week I had, my eating disordered head will take the info and run with it! Crazy yes - but better to know thyself than not!
Of course I'll post my weight on Sunday.

The other thing that I've noticed this week is that the lovely scale in my bathroom is not tempting me at all these days. Again, it's knowing what my mind can do with the info that makes me not only NOT interested in weighing, but almost terrified to jump on my own prognosticator of doom or joy. I think for now that's a good thing. I also know that once I'm back in Onederland, that will likely change back to my usual magnetic attraction to the Scale God.

That's it for me...bring on 2:30 when my weekend begins!

WWWhat's Up?

2011-02-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

I've been having a good week with WW eating. I really love the program and it's flexibility. Today is going to be a challenge though.

The Physical Therapists at my work do a lunch for a bunch of us once a year, and because it's been cancelled for weather issues twice already, it's happening today. I'd forgotten about it and brought my yummy and healthy and points tabulated lunch as usual, and while I was putting it away, one of the PTs came over and reminded me. At first I thought I'd just eat my own lunch, but decided that's not how I want to live my life. This eating plan has to be sustainable if it's going to work, so I'm planning to make wise choices (no idea what's on the menu), and hopefully not get wooed by some yummy looking dessert item (which they always have!).

Then tonight I'm having dinner out with a friend at a new restaurant closeby that's supposed to be fantastic. Lots of artisan pizza, but also great salads and who knows what else. Again, I'm going to make wise choices but not totally deprive myself or I'll end up having one of the backfire episodes where I eat all that isn't nailed down within a 10 mile radius later on. I do have the extra weekly points allowance over the daily amount, but recall I used up 16 of the 49 points on 2 lousy Panera cookies on Sunday. Actually they weren't lousy, they were heavenly and didn't set be into a binge, so totally worth the points. Anyhoo - my weekly allowance has already been tapped into so the sky is definitely NOT the limit tonight!

The good news is that my weigh in day is Saturday morning, so I have Friday to completely toe the line, drink gobs of water, and hopefully rectify any increased poundage that may ensue today's less than predictable food. Also, I'm striving to keep my points on the low side (had 5 for breakfast) other than the two "special" meals. But I also have to confess that I'm excited - yes, excited, about the special meals. I just care about and love food too damn much. But since that's my reality, I have to accept it and learn to work with it if I'm going to find successful and sustainable weight loss and the elusive PEACE WITH FOOD.

In my next post I'm going to do an award that I got from a favorite blogger last week. I've been meaning to do it and keep forgetting - I'm putting it out here so I don't forget. Have a good Friday eve, folks!

The good news about this challenging day is that I don't weigh in until Saturday morning

Tying up loose ends

2011-01-31T16:36:00.000-08:00

Happy to report I have 2 days under my belt of tracking, and as it's almost 6 p.m. now, I'm getting close to having a 3rd. Saturday I stayed at exactly my daily point count. Sunday I bobbled a bit when a friend brought the big amazing cookies from Panera to a meeting. WHY??? I ended up having 2 - a chocolate chipper and and oatmeal raisin, which was the best OR I've ever had. They each had to be 7 or 8 points, I'm guessing. I counted them as 8, so that's 16 out of my 49 weekly allowance. Not happy to admit that, but AT LEAST I TRACKED THEM. That's huge for me.

I came to work this morning loaded with fruit and other stuff to eat that will keep me nicely entrenched in healthy food that will nourish and satisfy without triggering a binge. I decided to be anal and take a couple of pictures to show you my food stash at work:

Outside the fridge, EVOO, spring water, tons of fruit including a big Fuji apple, banana, grapefruit, clementines, and red pepper. That's a box of Cheerios on top of the organizer.

Inside the fridge that you really can't see is a big ass salad, a container of homemade ratatouille (total of less than a point for the smidge of olive oil used in prep), 1% cottage cheese, Laughing Cow lite cheese, mustard, organic fat free salad dsg, lime juice (for salads with a little EVOO, and cranberry apple butter from Trader Joes, and some plain Greek yogurt. Tomorrow I'll also bring in some white meat grilled chicken.

Having this well stocked "pantry" at work really helps me stay away from the junk food emporium known as Ben's Store that one of our clients runs daily. I've been known to make several runs to it when in a binge mode...hopefully those days are over. I'm really lucky to have a fridge in my office that's just for moi!

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I'm also happy (and relieved) to tell you that I suffered no achiness or damage from that nasty fall on the ice I had on Saturday afternoon. The next morning I was a little tight behind the right knee that got hard flexed, and the ankle was sore, but 4 Advil did the trick and I haven't felt any of it since. Whew!! Also...my right knee had been popping and stiff for the last couple of weeks for no real reason other than it has arthritis. Several similarly afflicted folks told me that the cold and continual snow with its related moisture can aggravate arthritis. Anyway - since that fall, the knee hasn't popped or been stiff at all! Maybe I jolted something back into place?

Another item I need to catch you all up on is that I called our insurance company to see if that crazy woman who claimed I rolled into her car in the drive thru of a Swiss Farm store in early January had filed a claim. Recall that she said I rear ended her, WHICH I DIDN'T, and acted like an angry psycho - demanding my insurance info... Well, so far, they haven't received any claim or call from her! I realize she could still do something, but feel certain it's unlikely. I think she was just a rage machine who thought she'd mess up my day - which she totally did. So far, a happy ending.

That's about it for me today. It truly feels good to be tracking and NOT BINGEING. And best is how good it feels to wake up in the morning and not worry that clothes are going to be tighter than the last time I wore them. When I'm staying on plan, they may not be looser, but the definitely won't be tighter.

Reaped what I sowed

2011-01-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

This morning I was up at the butt crack of dawn, ~~dreading~~ anticipating my weigh in after a very ho hum week of not tracking consistently and eating crappily. I got out and walked the dog for 20 minutes, intending to go for 30-45, but it was too cold and I kept slipping on ice patches in the dark. Managed to stay upright, but barely.

My friend and I arrived at WW by 7:15. and my weigh in was as crappy as my eating was this week. Coinkydink? I think not. I was up 2.2 pounds, but relieved it wasn't more. I'd lost a total of 8.8 pounds during my first 2 weeks on the program, so now my loss is 6.6. Still okay, but I am recommitted to staying on plan and writing it all down.

I didn't mention that last week after I weighed in, I was almost home before I realized that the woman who weighed me didn't give me a tracker for the week, and I didn't have time to drive back to get one. Now this sounds like no big deal due to the fact that I have PAPER of all shapes and sizes in my house upon which I could have simulated a tracker, but for some reason I just couldn't get back into the tracking mode using a notebook. I'm not blaming HER for my sorry ass week, but it did contribute to me just sort of giving it up for the week. Today at my weigh in there were stacks of them at each weigh station, so I took a stack of my own so I can't claim that sorry excuse again. Today I'm back on track and tracking, and it feels GOOD! I was realizing this afternoon that I feel sort of "safe" and a little bit righteous when I'm writing it all down.

I have 2 goals for this week up to my next weigh in...track everything I eat, and stay on the program and within my points allotment. I want another big loss next Saturday - and by big, I mean NOT GAINING!

This afternoon hubby and I went and dug out the driveway of a friend who has been pretty ill and undergoing treatment for Hepatitis C. Her driveway is on a fairly steep hill, so we got a great workout shoveling snow and ice for about an hour. We got her down to all pavement which was so satisfying. She was grateful, and we had fun, so it was win win for all. Love that.

About an hour and a half ago I decided to take the dog for a brief walk, and made the DUMB mistake of wearing a pair of fleece lined fake Crocs. WTF was I thinking?? We started down a path that this morning was snow covered but after being trampled all day by kids going to sled, it was more packed and thus much more slick and slippery. About 1/4 way down, my R foot just skated ahead of me and I ended up falling HARD, with my right knee tightly flexed and right ankle twisted! UGH - I rolled right over and unflexed my knee, which thankfully didn't seem injured. It took me a couple minutes to get myself back to standing between the slick surface, my idiotic shoes and the dog nosing me as though trying to help me up. What a scene. I ~~limped~~ walked home slowly, glad to see that I was able to walk pretty normally, though my ankle and knee felt a bit tender.

Upon returning home, I took a pre-emptive Ibuprofen strike and iced the knee and ankle. Now they feel normal, so hopefully that's the end of that, but I have a feeling that between the shoveling earlier and the fall, I may be sore tomorrow. Good excuse to lay low, watch a movie and read my book!

Forgot to mention I did a lot of cooking this morning, some for the week, and some for dinner tonight. After WW I hit the produce place and the grocery, and came home to slice, dice, chop and cook. We're having stuffed peppers for dinner, which I can smell as they cook now. I plan to do some more food prep for the week tomorrow, because as I mentioned before, I AM GOING TO STAY ON PLAN ALL WEEK. Mark my word.

SNOW DAY!!! (and confession time)

2011-01-27T07:37:00.000-08:00

I absolutely can't believe that my work gave us the whole day off because of the shitload of snow that fell between yesterday and this morning. Despite the fact we serve a disabled population, they are famous for NOT even giving us 2 hour delays much less days off for weather, incurring the wrath of employees. After last winter when we had a record 76 inches of snow over the season and the agency pulled that a couple of times, they got such ~~employee rage~~ negative feedback that they've finally gotten a clue. This year has been better, and I'm grateful. We have about 14 inches in our area this morning.

I've already been out helping hubby dig out the driveway, but I only lasted about 5 minutes because I had the old crappy snow shovel that is now curled into a U shape and pretty useless. The one who's going to do the brunt of the work gets the good shovel. Today, with the 14 inches or so of wet heavy snow we got, that's hubby. I also got a few pictures that hopefully blogger will let me upload. It is beautiful - having been raised in Florida, snow still amazes and delights me. Until it gets muddy, slushy and ugly of course. But to stand out in the garage while it's snowing is intoxicating to me - so much activity in the air - so silent.

It's really beautiful before the wind and civilization set in and start to mess with it. I just finished doing about 8% of the driveway after Tom did 92%, and it was a good workout! Hoping to get a dog walk in later, once the sun is out.

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On a slightly somber note, the last 2 days I got pretty fuzzy with point counting and snacking - as in I stopped tracking once I started snacking. This is the first since I began WWPP and I'm bound and determined to get back on track, with tracking AND eating today. I was talking to one of my closest friends last night who didn't know I'd started WW, and she's going to start this Saturday by coming with me. I'm really excited to have a buddy, not to mention my across the street neighbor, do this. We both have some similar issues around food and food addiction, so the mini support group (as opposed to the HUGE support of my blog world) will be great. She does not know about my blog or the blog world, but she did ask where I always get so many great recipes! But I think I'm going to stay anonymous with my local folks about the blog. Do I really need people to know my weight and the degree of my nuttiness when it comes to eating?!!

Snowy weather means soup, so I'm off to make a big pot of ham and bean soup. I posted on Facebook last night about the temptation to bake and eat sweets that being snowed in brings. I vow I will not give in to the temptation to whip up chocolate chip cookies, brownies, lemon squares or any other sweet confection. Because I know full well that I am not a one and done kind of person. One cookie? Puhleeeeeze. One brownie? Why bother. So I will continue my clementine consumption with a sprinkling of apple and banana if necessary. Stay warm if you're in the north. Chill out if you're in the south. And have a great day wherever you are.

Dangling conversation

2011-01-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

This morning at work I experienced an interesting little take on my eating behavior. I'd had a nice 7 point breakfast of a breakfast sandwich of Canadian bacon, 1 slice of red. fat swiss cheese and a quarter cup of Eggbeaters cooked with a bit of onion on a mustard spread 2 point English muffin. Very satisfying - very yummy (the plain ole yellow mustard and sauteed onion makes it). About 2 hours later I had 2 clementines, which are zero points on WW (as is ALL fruit). The clementines tasted like sweet freshness cubed - utter delight exponentially magnified by their absence of points.

Well. An hour later I came back into my office and eyed 3 more clementines, an apple and a banana I brought to have on hand for legitimate empty stomach hunger based snack attacks. I plopped into my chair and grabbed a clementine, poised my right hand to begin the big peel, when a voice sounded in my consciousness, "Do you really need that?" What? Shut up. Here is the dialogue that ensued (silently - not talking out loud with myself here):

Me: "Well, maybe I don't need it, but I can have it."

TV (the voice): "If you don't need it, why would you have it?"

Me: "It's ZERO points, for Heaven's sake. I CAN HAVE IT.

TV: "Are you hungry?"

Me: "I SAID it's ZERO points!"

TV: "But are you hungry right now? It's 11:30 and you'll be eating lunch around 12:45."

ME: "No, I'm not hungry. But zero points...I can have as much fruit as I want for NO POINTS."

TV: "You know in Blogdom they say that overeating healthy food is still overeating."

ME: "If Blogdom told me to jump off the Empire State Building, should I do it? What don't you get about zero points"?

TV: "What don't YOU get about the fact that eating when you're NOT hungry is addictive eating? It's NOT intuitive. Not mindful. Not necessary.

Me: Okaaaaay - and NOT happening. For now.

And so the clementine was returned to the fruit stash, unpeeled, uneaten.

I clearly just wanted to put food in my mouth. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't even upset or emotional in any recognizable way. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it NOW. I think that little vignette may have been a baby step of progress.