There is no reason I'm feeling blah, but I am. At least this moment. It seems I'm hopscotching all over the emotional landscape this week - feeling content one moment, angst ridden another, somber, perky, tired, stressed, resigned, sensitive, excited, snarky, irritable, judgemental, ....add those together and blah seems to be the average.
I don't want to be blah. It's Christmas time - 2 of my 3 kids are home and doing well. # 3 is safely in her Peace Corps environment and thriving. The work of the big party last week is over. The house looks great. Gift shopping is done. The first pair of pants I put on this morming fit fine. I just found out I now accrue 3 weeks vacation per year rather than 2. Lots of good stuff. Big whoop.
From the first paragraph's inventory of feelings, what emerges as prominent for where I am right now is sensitive. Here's the deal...I got several calls from friends who came to the party Saturday night saying how great it was and how much fun they had. Others told me in person. I believe them because I was there. But this morning after my meeting I was talking to a friend, Liz, who was at the party but had to leave early because she was working 11-7 (a nurse). She said she'd have stayed longer had she not had to work (about 8 people stayed pretty late, just talking and laughing, and word got out that THAT part was the best). But she'd come with another friend, Donna, who always has a hard time settling in to gatherings like that, and I commented that she'd have had to leave early for Donna regardless. Liz replied, "Oh I know, when we got in the car, Donna said, "THANK GOD you had to leave early"."
Now I know Donna's "Thank God" to Liz wasn't about me. Or the party. Or my house, or anyone else, other than about Donna. But it's been gnawing at me ever since I talked to Liz this morning. Everything isn't about moi, but I'm feeling really annoyed with Donna, and also annoyed with Liz for telling me that. But I was the one who noted Donna's frequent need to dodge from an event or situation early in the first place. Liz wouldn't have mentioned it if I hadn't. See what I mean about junior high? Why am I so sensitive? Well....
I've not overeaten at all since Sunday afternoon when I dipped into the leftover sweets from the party. Can it be that after 2 measly days of normal sane eating, I'm starting to bounce around emotionally? I pose that question because though I haven't overeaten at all, nor have I wanted to, the thought is constantly with me that this is the time of year to indulge, if ever there is a time for such. Not that I've ever needed a holiday season for an excuse. Yet often when I get a run of "good days" with eating (sad to say that 2 days is a "run" right now), I start to get squirrelly and eating takes the discomfort out of the squirreliness and refocuses my attention on my struggle with food and anger with self over the eating. This feels like an insight for me. At least hating myself for being overweight is familiar. Free floating vague anxiety and emotional discomfort are much more uncomfortable because THEY ARE NOT familiar. They have been promptly stuffed at their earliest entry into my awareness for years. YEARS. DECADES.
Something as insignificant as the junior high emotions noted above send my eating disorder into high gear. But not today. Just having written about it here (over the last 2 hours, because I'm at work and only blog between legitimate work stuff) has helped me get a perspective and not feel weird or upset by Donna's words, or Liz's mindless retelling of them.
From my long term sobriety in AA (and life, obviously), I've learned that most of my problems today are related to my thinking. Not my drinking (since it's been 19+ years afterall). Or even my eating. Lack of feeling okay in my own skin is a reflection of all that old pain from childhood forward that is just murky mental memorabilia now - not reality. The answers are in figuring out what's causing the vague whisperings of anxiety or pain du jour, looking at it squarely and setting it right. Often that means letting it go. Sometimes making an apology. Or accepting that what was, WAS. And isn't now. The food thoughts have left, replaced by genuine hunger for lunch that will be coming up in about a half hour. That's reality I can deal with so I can add another day to the 2 day run of "good".
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sugar coated
Yesterday after I posted about my virtuous lack of eating much party food, I got into the desserts that were left over from the Saturday night soiree. Namely a chocolate "bombe" that was utterly sinfully deliciously wickedly worth the calories of the relatively small piece I had, however many they numbered. I'd had a really healthy food day and just wanted to "try" it. HAH! Self, you fell for a line of crap from your inner binge-er who assured you she just wanted to try it. It had a ganache outer layer, then a lushly moist devil's food cake layer, and an inner core of chocolate cream - sort of light and whipped. The word orgasmic comes to... er, mind. I stopped with just one ladylike wedge. But then this damn red velvet cake started singing it's love call and I had a piece of that too. Both these confections followed a healthy steaming bowl of leftover vegetable beef soup we had for dinner.
Now, as binges go for this girl, one piece of each of those desserts in no way constituted a binge. However, an hour later, I mosied back into the kitchen and discovered a large ziploc bag left by a gal who promised me she was taking it home...it was chex cereal tossed in what I think she said was a melted morass of peanut butter, chocolate chips and something else, rendering each little chex square coated in said morass, and some squares sort of clumped together. The clumps were REALLY tasty. To be festive, she'd added some red and green m&ms for holiday color. Anyway - I had probably a cup of that, then brushed, flossed and went to bed. A taste and texture media extravaganza.
Can I tell you that all that sugar caused me to wake up with a true hangover - with brain fog and and slightly nauseous stomach. Even achy all over, and no, I don't think I'm sick. Other than sick from simple refined carbohydrates, most notably white sugar and God forbid, surely some high fructose corn syrup throw in for good measure. I felt like total crap this morning. I haven't had that much sugary stuff in one sitting for a long time. I'd like to say I'm cured after how sh*tty I felt, but I 'spect it'd all taste just fine later today. Which is why I took all of it to my morning AA meeting and it all got wolfed down by the masses. Masses who apparently can eat a small amount and be satisfied (even though they couldn't drink a small amount...hmmm). Anyway - I'm glad the contraband is out of the house. I have a fantastic salad for lunch with some white meat chicken. The hangover is about gone, succumbing to large amounts of water and a healthy Atkins type breakfast of egg whites and 2 strips of bacon.
I have to say that it all tasted good, and I didn't deep end it with any of the 3 confections - well, maybe a cup of the chex stuff was approaching the deep end. Anyway - I'm just confessing it here so I can let it go. And it's already gone. Have a power walk scheduled after work with a friend, and that will further cleanse the body and soul of yesterday's iniquities. I'm not upset or remorseful. I was pretty intentional and deliberate about what I chose to ate. I just don't want a repeat performance anytime soon.
Now, as binges go for this girl, one piece of each of those desserts in no way constituted a binge. However, an hour later, I mosied back into the kitchen and discovered a large ziploc bag left by a gal who promised me she was taking it home...it was chex cereal tossed in what I think she said was a melted morass of peanut butter, chocolate chips and something else, rendering each little chex square coated in said morass, and some squares sort of clumped together. The clumps were REALLY tasty. To be festive, she'd added some red and green m&ms for holiday color. Anyway - I had probably a cup of that, then brushed, flossed and went to bed. A taste and texture media extravaganza.
Can I tell you that all that sugar caused me to wake up with a true hangover - with brain fog and and slightly nauseous stomach. Even achy all over, and no, I don't think I'm sick. Other than sick from simple refined carbohydrates, most notably white sugar and God forbid, surely some high fructose corn syrup throw in for good measure. I felt like total crap this morning. I haven't had that much sugary stuff in one sitting for a long time. I'd like to say I'm cured after how sh*tty I felt, but I 'spect it'd all taste just fine later today. Which is why I took all of it to my morning AA meeting and it all got wolfed down by the masses. Masses who apparently can eat a small amount and be satisfied (even though they couldn't drink a small amount...hmmm). Anyway - I'm glad the contraband is out of the house. I have a fantastic salad for lunch with some white meat chicken. The hangover is about gone, succumbing to large amounts of water and a healthy Atkins type breakfast of egg whites and 2 strips of bacon.
I have to say that it all tasted good, and I didn't deep end it with any of the 3 confections - well, maybe a cup of the chex stuff was approaching the deep end. Anyway - I'm just confessing it here so I can let it go. And it's already gone. Have a power walk scheduled after work with a friend, and that will further cleanse the body and soul of yesterday's iniquities. I'm not upset or remorseful. I was pretty intentional and deliberate about what I chose to ate. I just don't want a repeat performance anytime soon.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Back from Party Central
I'm just writing a quickie post to say I'm still alive and kicking. It feels like forever since I posted last (think it was Thursday), and I've gotten a couple of emails from dear bloggers checking to make sure I'm okay. And I am. I had my big party with a bunch of AA women last night, so from Tuesday on I was in major obsessing, cooking, cleaning, decorating and not blogging mode! The party turned out great, but if was a ton of work, even though it was a potluck.
And in case you don't know, AA gals can fix some GOOD GRUB. I made a big pot of homemade vegetable beef soup and a Pampered Chef dessert creation called a Taffy Apple Pizza that is AWESOME. Both came out great, or so I'm told. Believe it or not, I haven't tasted the soup (there's a lot leftover for which hubby and sons are happy), and the "pizza" was gone before I even realized it. When I entertain big like that, oddly enough I can't really eat. I guess it's all the running around and getting things for people who brought stuff that they need - you all know what that's like. I picked a little, and got a plate of food but lost track of it and only had about 5 bites. IF ONLY I COULD BE THAT WAY ALL THE TIME!!!!!
There was a lot of good food - a huge salad, lots of appetizers, macaroni and cheese, pasta salad with spinach, sun dried tomatoes and feta that was great, homemade hummus, salmon dip, crab salad, and way too many desserts. There are some leftovers in the fridge that people insisted stay here "for your family"...let's hope the men folk eat all the carby stuff up today, which they will. We'll have the soup for dinner and hubby will make a salad to go with it.
All in all I survived the week well, and for my weigh in this morning I was down 3 pounds from my weigh in last Sunday for Allan's challenge. Shocking, except that last Sunday I'd eaten out 2 meals the day before - one Thai and one Chinese! So the inflated weight I was last Sunday was gone my Monday once I flushed out all the sodium retentioned(?sp) water. I was 209 Monday, and then 209 this morning. A maintain for the week feels like a victory. I know I'm doing these challenges to lose, but not gaining counts for something during the holiday season with party prepping, baking and cooking!
I haven't read blogs since Thursday so I'm way behind on everyone's lives. Today is all about R and R for this blogger, and holding down the couch with my reclined body is top priority, along with napping, watching Eat, Pray, Love, and catching up on the blogs. It's raining, so walking may not happen, but if possible I'd like to get that in too. I really appreciate the friends who checked in to make sure I hadn't stumbled into carbohydrate quicksand and been pulled under.
I'm determined to have a good, healthy, tracking and weight losing week, and I will, esp. when hubby and sons get these damned desserts and pasta dishes outta here. There all so moderate with their eating it could take a week, so I'm employ mom pressure and threats that if the stuff isn't gone by tomorrow morning, it's getting chucked.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, blog comrades.
And in case you don't know, AA gals can fix some GOOD GRUB. I made a big pot of homemade vegetable beef soup and a Pampered Chef dessert creation called a Taffy Apple Pizza that is AWESOME. Both came out great, or so I'm told. Believe it or not, I haven't tasted the soup (there's a lot leftover for which hubby and sons are happy), and the "pizza" was gone before I even realized it. When I entertain big like that, oddly enough I can't really eat. I guess it's all the running around and getting things for people who brought stuff that they need - you all know what that's like. I picked a little, and got a plate of food but lost track of it and only had about 5 bites. IF ONLY I COULD BE THAT WAY ALL THE TIME!!!!!
There was a lot of good food - a huge salad, lots of appetizers, macaroni and cheese, pasta salad with spinach, sun dried tomatoes and feta that was great, homemade hummus, salmon dip, crab salad, and way too many desserts. There are some leftovers in the fridge that people insisted stay here "for your family"...let's hope the men folk eat all the carby stuff up today, which they will. We'll have the soup for dinner and hubby will make a salad to go with it.
All in all I survived the week well, and for my weigh in this morning I was down 3 pounds from my weigh in last Sunday for Allan's challenge. Shocking, except that last Sunday I'd eaten out 2 meals the day before - one Thai and one Chinese! So the inflated weight I was last Sunday was gone my Monday once I flushed out all the sodium retentioned(?sp) water. I was 209 Monday, and then 209 this morning. A maintain for the week feels like a victory. I know I'm doing these challenges to lose, but not gaining counts for something during the holiday season with party prepping, baking and cooking!
I haven't read blogs since Thursday so I'm way behind on everyone's lives. Today is all about R and R for this blogger, and holding down the couch with my reclined body is top priority, along with napping, watching Eat, Pray, Love, and catching up on the blogs. It's raining, so walking may not happen, but if possible I'd like to get that in too. I really appreciate the friends who checked in to make sure I hadn't stumbled into carbohydrate quicksand and been pulled under.
I'm determined to have a good, healthy, tracking and weight losing week, and I will, esp. when hubby and sons get these damned desserts and pasta dishes outta here. There all so moderate with their eating it could take a week, so I'm employ mom pressure and threats that if the stuff isn't gone by tomorrow morning, it's getting chucked.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, blog comrades.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Out of the mouths of bloggers
I wasn't going to post today, but I just came home from work and perched on the couch to check my blogroll. Allan had a post that included some pictures of food porn...cakes, cookies...and he spoke of the importance of not eating that kind of stuff. At all. Not even "one little taste".
He reminded me of a pamphlet from OA I read years ago called "Before You Take That First Compulsive Bite", about things to consider when food is wooing you and your resolve to resist food's love call is waffling. I don't remember what all it suggested, but I do recall that it reminded me of what they say in AA all the time, "Don't pick up the first drink. That's the one that gets you drunk."
Whaaa? One drink doesn't get you drunk. I oughtta know, and so ought all those other alcoholics that preceded me into AA and kept saying that little ditty to me. Finally I worked up the nerve to say it out loud..."I never got drunk after the first drink..." and guess what the reply was? "Try getting drunk without taking the first drink...it can't be done." Hmmm, yeah...guess that makes sense. So theoretically the only drink I have to not take is the first one; and if I don't, odds are damn good I won't get drunk.
Allan's seemingly simple advice of not even having one little taste of decadence (or a red light food, if you will) hit me right between the eyes. I don't have to resist the whole sleeve of cookies, and then the salty something that needs to follow the sweet, followed by some creamy cold ice cream that of course necessitates a crunchy chaser...ad nauseum. All I have to resist is the first bite.
I'm pretty certain that I won't wake up from a binge induced food coma if I just don't eat the one unplanned compulsive first bite. That's not such a tall order. Just say no to the first bite. The initial mouthful. The first swallow. Another meal is only a couple hours away. It'll be alright. I won't die if I don't take just that first bite.
He reminded me of a pamphlet from OA I read years ago called "Before You Take That First Compulsive Bite", about things to consider when food is wooing you and your resolve to resist food's love call is waffling. I don't remember what all it suggested, but I do recall that it reminded me of what they say in AA all the time, "Don't pick up the first drink. That's the one that gets you drunk."
Whaaa? One drink doesn't get you drunk. I oughtta know, and so ought all those other alcoholics that preceded me into AA and kept saying that little ditty to me. Finally I worked up the nerve to say it out loud..."I never got drunk after the first drink..." and guess what the reply was? "Try getting drunk without taking the first drink...it can't be done." Hmmm, yeah...guess that makes sense. So theoretically the only drink I have to not take is the first one; and if I don't, odds are damn good I won't get drunk.
Allan's seemingly simple advice of not even having one little taste of decadence (or a red light food, if you will) hit me right between the eyes. I don't have to resist the whole sleeve of cookies, and then the salty something that needs to follow the sweet, followed by some creamy cold ice cream that of course necessitates a crunchy chaser...ad nauseum. All I have to resist is the first bite.
I'm pretty certain that I won't wake up from a binge induced food coma if I just don't eat the one unplanned compulsive first bite. That's not such a tall order. Just say no to the first bite. The initial mouthful. The first swallow. Another meal is only a couple hours away. It'll be alright. I won't die if I don't take just that first bite.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Random tangentia
**Changed the name of post 5 minutes after publishing cuz I thought of a better one, so no you're not crazy**
Question of the day for you healthy food folks: Do you use an artificial sweetener? If so, which one and why? I use Splenda because to me it tastes the least artificial of any I've tried - which is all of them I'm sure. In fact, Splenda truly just adds sweetness rather than injection evil chemical tastes into food. Truvia, stevia, aspartame, saccharine, and a few others I can't think of leave a medicinal aftertaste - at best. In my humble opinion.
But...I still feel vapors of guilt over using the Splenda just because of its artificial status. Thanks for your input. I'm just curious, and looking for roll model bloggers to sweep away the dregs of my guilt.
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I mentioned last week that prior to decorating for Christmas, my house is in dire need of cleaning and vacuuming. BTW, can anyone tell me why a dog loses more hair in the winter? Seems they should be hanging on to their fur coats as temperatures plunge. Lou has always lost as much in the winter as summer, and the forced hot air heat blows the large puffs of canine thoroughly throughout our humble abode. It seems I could build a new dog with all the fur a'flyin. So last week's vacuuming ain't keeping the house clean this week. Damn.
So, when one needs to get her a$$ in gear for cleaning and decorating, what better way to turn in the screws than to schedule a party this Saturday night with 30+ of my closest AA women friends?! Yeah - I put it out to the masses yesterday, certain that many would have previous holiday parties, business gatherings, etc... Nope. Only 2 folks have said no so far, and several yeses are calling and "reminding" me of gals I forgot. It could turn into quite a soiree, and it will definitely be fun with meanderings into the hilarious. One thing I didn't know when I first got sober was that you could come close to expiring with laughter without consuming quantities of alcohol. No like, I thought my laughing days were over.
Anyway, it's going to be a potluck and Chinese Pollyanna, where everyone brings a wrapped gift, all of which get thrown into the center of the room. Each person is given a number, and one at a time get to select a wrapped gift. Well, the first person's gift is wrapped; everyone else gets to choose between the remaining wrapped gifts plus the already opened ones. It's really fun, esp. when people get something good and try to hide it so someone else doesn't choose it. After one round, you go around one more time so all the gifts are "known".
I'm going to make a big huge pot of soup and maybe a dessert. But with so many people bringing stuff, I'm not going to have to prepare much. And the cleaning and decorating WILL get done! I'll keep you posted of the partay details!
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I'm just having my new go-to mid morning protein hit I wrote about before...cottage cheese with an apple cut up pretty finely in it, with cinnamon and the aforementioned Splenda. I realize that last week when I noted that I'm not a huge raw apple eater because of the texture of apples, I was right. For the last week I had winesap apples, which were perfect (and coming from me that's high praise), both in taste and texture. I ran out of apples so went to get some this morning and was greeted with a dearth of winesaps, so had to get another kind. The had Honey Crisps, which I know are THE apple of the rich, famous, and apple loving bloggers, so I decided to give them another try. I sampled them when they first came out and they didn't move me. Guess what - it's not moving me today, and IT IS a texture thing. The flavor is great, but the way it rasps my teeth in unpleasing to me. I know, could I get any weirder? Anyway - I'm suffering it to be so with the apple, but the rest of the HCs will be available for the men folk in my house.
Speaking of menfolk, their numbers will be increasing in the household as of this Friday when # 2 son (by birth order only, Jean (my daughter who does read the blog, so don't tell Mark he's #2 in my book) comes home from Atlanta for a 5 week winter vacation. Hard to believe he is finishing his next to last semester in college! There's no way I'm old enough to have all kids out of school.
That's about enough rambling from me today. I'm feeling very Christmas-y and in a good mood. The eating has been sane, and I've managed to get out in the sub-polar climate to walk everyday since Friday, including at 5:15 this morning. Boy, the whole weight loss/health/fitness thing is NOT a one-walk dog...you have to do it every day for results. I am trying to find some alone quiet time each day to meditate, or at least try to clear my mind of assorted detritus to see what comes up in terms of old pain and baggage ala yesterday's post. That's not a one-walk dog, either. In fact, I've been working on that stuff for many years and still remains "stuff". But I don't have to wait until I'm all healed to reap the benefits of this journey.
Question of the day for you healthy food folks: Do you use an artificial sweetener? If so, which one and why? I use Splenda because to me it tastes the least artificial of any I've tried - which is all of them I'm sure. In fact, Splenda truly just adds sweetness rather than injection evil chemical tastes into food. Truvia, stevia, aspartame, saccharine, and a few others I can't think of leave a medicinal aftertaste - at best. In my humble opinion.
But...I still feel vapors of guilt over using the Splenda just because of its artificial status. Thanks for your input. I'm just curious, and looking for roll model bloggers to sweep away the dregs of my guilt.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I mentioned last week that prior to decorating for Christmas, my house is in dire need of cleaning and vacuuming. BTW, can anyone tell me why a dog loses more hair in the winter? Seems they should be hanging on to their fur coats as temperatures plunge. Lou has always lost as much in the winter as summer, and the forced hot air heat blows the large puffs of canine thoroughly throughout our humble abode. It seems I could build a new dog with all the fur a'flyin. So last week's vacuuming ain't keeping the house clean this week. Damn.
So, when one needs to get her a$$ in gear for cleaning and decorating, what better way to turn in the screws than to schedule a party this Saturday night with 30+ of my closest AA women friends?! Yeah - I put it out to the masses yesterday, certain that many would have previous holiday parties, business gatherings, etc... Nope. Only 2 folks have said no so far, and several yeses are calling and "reminding" me of gals I forgot. It could turn into quite a soiree, and it will definitely be fun with meanderings into the hilarious. One thing I didn't know when I first got sober was that you could come close to expiring with laughter without consuming quantities of alcohol. No like, I thought my laughing days were over.
Anyway, it's going to be a potluck and Chinese Pollyanna, where everyone brings a wrapped gift, all of which get thrown into the center of the room. Each person is given a number, and one at a time get to select a wrapped gift. Well, the first person's gift is wrapped; everyone else gets to choose between the remaining wrapped gifts plus the already opened ones. It's really fun, esp. when people get something good and try to hide it so someone else doesn't choose it. After one round, you go around one more time so all the gifts are "known".
I'm going to make a big huge pot of soup and maybe a dessert. But with so many people bringing stuff, I'm not going to have to prepare much. And the cleaning and decorating WILL get done! I'll keep you posted of the partay details!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm just having my new go-to mid morning protein hit I wrote about before...cottage cheese with an apple cut up pretty finely in it, with cinnamon and the aforementioned Splenda. I realize that last week when I noted that I'm not a huge raw apple eater because of the texture of apples, I was right. For the last week I had winesap apples, which were perfect (and coming from me that's high praise), both in taste and texture. I ran out of apples so went to get some this morning and was greeted with a dearth of winesaps, so had to get another kind. The had Honey Crisps, which I know are THE apple of the rich, famous, and apple loving bloggers, so I decided to give them another try. I sampled them when they first came out and they didn't move me. Guess what - it's not moving me today, and IT IS a texture thing. The flavor is great, but the way it rasps my teeth in unpleasing to me. I know, could I get any weirder? Anyway - I'm suffering it to be so with the apple, but the rest of the HCs will be available for the men folk in my house.
Speaking of menfolk, their numbers will be increasing in the household as of this Friday when # 2 son (by birth order only, Jean (my daughter who does read the blog, so don't tell Mark he's #2 in my book) comes home from Atlanta for a 5 week winter vacation. Hard to believe he is finishing his next to last semester in college! There's no way I'm old enough to have all kids out of school.
That's about enough rambling from me today. I'm feeling very Christmas-y and in a good mood. The eating has been sane, and I've managed to get out in the sub-polar climate to walk everyday since Friday, including at 5:15 this morning. Boy, the whole weight loss/health/fitness thing is NOT a one-walk dog...you have to do it every day for results. I am trying to find some alone quiet time each day to meditate, or at least try to clear my mind of assorted detritus to see what comes up in terms of old pain and baggage ala yesterday's post. That's not a one-walk dog, either. In fact, I've been working on that stuff for many years and still remains "stuff". But I don't have to wait until I'm all healed to reap the benefits of this journey.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Eavesdropping on a conversation
I had a complete mixed bag of a weekend, but one thing I can say for sure is that I'm back on track with eating, tracking and staying within my calories each day, for today. Ever since I read a comments dialog yesterday, I've felt better about my process and the nature of how on again/off again it has been for the last year. More on that in a sec (translate: many paragraphs...come on, you know me by now).
It's literally been a year. December 4th was the one year anniversary of my first of 2 knee surgeries (arthroscopic, but still big deals in the big picture of my losing weight process) that signalled the slow but precipitous decline in my fitness and weight loss efforts that had begun in earnest in June of 2009. I was working out at a gym, following an eating pattern that was giving me a very steady and satisfying 1-3 pound per week loss, and feeling positive. Feeling like the years of struggling were miraculously OVER. (If I could have typed "over" in a glittered font, I would have - that's how real and relatively easy it was.) I'd gotten to my lowest weight in 15 years of 192 and was in hot pursuit of the 180s. I was loving working out. It wasn't hard to eat sanely. IT WASN'T HARD.
The surgeries, one in December, the next on the other knee, in February - did slow me down substantially in the work out realm, but in the beginning didn't derail my eating too much. Last year's holidays did that, but I still managed to keep the weight below 200 until late January of 2010. Once I burst back into the dreaded 2nd century of weight AGAIN, I haven't escaped from it. It's been a steady struggle - good days, bad days. IT GOT HARD AGAIN. Feeling absolutely determined every single morning that THIS IS THE DAY I STICK AND STAY on plan. More often than not, the STICK AND STAY has lasted until late in the day when resolve crumbled and I either binge-ed or garden variety overate. Truth be told, I feel relieved I haven't gone above 210 other than for a day or 2 over the last months - using the scale as the ultimate "DECIDER" about my eating behavior for any given day.
Whatever I had from June 2009 through last January has been unattainable since. I've been doing this stuff enough years to know the old adage "it's not what you're eating; it's what's eating you". My history of substance use to either fill a hole in my soul or tamp down pain of fill-in-the-blank variety is an open book for the long recovering woman I am. But knowing this is a head function. Sensing its truth and feeling the impact of my addictive nature is a matter of the heart. And it's a long 12 inches from head to heart sometimes. I keep at it and will never give up. But the crazy making aspects of what this does to my self concept and esteem are always present.
Enter the aforementioned dialog. It's on Chris' blog, and the link will take you to the post of hers where in the comment section a wonderful discussion ensued between Chris and Deb of DebWillBeThin. Please read it if you haven't because it's excellent. Chris posted about this journey to fitness and leanness, and the struggles that we all have from time to time finding our motivation and tenacity to stay the course, but how ultimately we make a decision and then stick to it. STICK TO IT...easier said than done. Chris has had amazing success with weight loss losing over a hundren pounds and still counting. What I didn't know was that she's struggled for a few months but has recently gotten back in her groove of continuing down the scale. (She's close to "there", imho!) You can read it for yourself. I'm not the first person to be writing about it after having read it. It was real, and honest, and helpful. And did I mention REAL? I think I'm going to print it out because both these wonderful bloggers said such important, honest and real stuff. Very normalizing for this blogger here who feels wackier and crazier thatn the rest of humanity most of the time when it comes to food issues.
The elusiveness of the mind/body/spirit connection I had back in 2009 baffles me no end. I had it, I know I can do it. Why not now? Well guess what, Leslie - the same thing has happened and is happening to plenty of other humans. Weight loss superstars and plain folk like me. Yes, I need to make a decision. I made it long ago. Now what? Don't give up. Get honest with self and maybe others about what is eating at me. Find a way to make peace with the reality of who and how I am and work within my parameters to optimize my efforts at moving more and eating less. Never give up. And most of all, at least for this blogger, the SHAME MUST BE JETTISONED OFF. Shame avails me nothing and actually adds to my burdens. The luggage of my ages that I carry with me, literally, wherever I go. I am not the only one with this issue. I don't judge others for it. Why judge myself so harshly? Do you know I'd been tempted to stop reading Chris because of her endless success? How's that for a plan? "It's easy for some people who don't have MY issues....". What a crock of sh*t I sell myself. We're all in this together. When one person is having success and positive mindset, some else is struggling. All of it can help me on my own journey, and most of all remind me I'm not alone.
**added after initial posting** - As I was thinking about the whole addictive eating issue, I recalled a therapist I saw for awhile who dealt with eating disorders. She talked about how so many overweight women literally "wear" their distress, like a garment. She herself had lost 80 pounds and had it off for years when I was seeing her - she noted that she sometimes thought of her extra weight as "this dress" as metaphor for "distress". I think of that often when I survey my own "distress".
Reframing my thinking is essential. I need to start talking a bit about what's really nagging at my heart and soul. Because that's where the little girl who wants to binge is and it's going to take a lot more food to keep her silent if I don't start listening to what she has to say. And that will send me in a direction I don't want to go.
Once again, the blog community provides experience, strength and hope. I thank every single one of you for that.
It's literally been a year. December 4th was the one year anniversary of my first of 2 knee surgeries (arthroscopic, but still big deals in the big picture of my losing weight process) that signalled the slow but precipitous decline in my fitness and weight loss efforts that had begun in earnest in June of 2009. I was working out at a gym, following an eating pattern that was giving me a very steady and satisfying 1-3 pound per week loss, and feeling positive. Feeling like the years of struggling were miraculously OVER. (If I could have typed "over" in a glittered font, I would have - that's how real and relatively easy it was.) I'd gotten to my lowest weight in 15 years of 192 and was in hot pursuit of the 180s. I was loving working out. It wasn't hard to eat sanely. IT WASN'T HARD.
The surgeries, one in December, the next on the other knee, in February - did slow me down substantially in the work out realm, but in the beginning didn't derail my eating too much. Last year's holidays did that, but I still managed to keep the weight below 200 until late January of 2010. Once I burst back into the dreaded 2nd century of weight AGAIN, I haven't escaped from it. It's been a steady struggle - good days, bad days. IT GOT HARD AGAIN. Feeling absolutely determined every single morning that THIS IS THE DAY I STICK AND STAY on plan. More often than not, the STICK AND STAY has lasted until late in the day when resolve crumbled and I either binge-ed or garden variety overate. Truth be told, I feel relieved I haven't gone above 210 other than for a day or 2 over the last months - using the scale as the ultimate "DECIDER" about my eating behavior for any given day.
Whatever I had from June 2009 through last January has been unattainable since. I've been doing this stuff enough years to know the old adage "it's not what you're eating; it's what's eating you". My history of substance use to either fill a hole in my soul or tamp down pain of fill-in-the-blank variety is an open book for the long recovering woman I am. But knowing this is a head function. Sensing its truth and feeling the impact of my addictive nature is a matter of the heart. And it's a long 12 inches from head to heart sometimes. I keep at it and will never give up. But the crazy making aspects of what this does to my self concept and esteem are always present.
Enter the aforementioned dialog. It's on Chris' blog, and the link will take you to the post of hers where in the comment section a wonderful discussion ensued between Chris and Deb of DebWillBeThin. Please read it if you haven't because it's excellent. Chris posted about this journey to fitness and leanness, and the struggles that we all have from time to time finding our motivation and tenacity to stay the course, but how ultimately we make a decision and then stick to it. STICK TO IT...easier said than done. Chris has had amazing success with weight loss losing over a hundren pounds and still counting. What I didn't know was that she's struggled for a few months but has recently gotten back in her groove of continuing down the scale. (She's close to "there", imho!) You can read it for yourself. I'm not the first person to be writing about it after having read it. It was real, and honest, and helpful. And did I mention REAL? I think I'm going to print it out because both these wonderful bloggers said such important, honest and real stuff. Very normalizing for this blogger here who feels wackier and crazier thatn the rest of humanity most of the time when it comes to food issues.
The elusiveness of the mind/body/spirit connection I had back in 2009 baffles me no end. I had it, I know I can do it. Why not now? Well guess what, Leslie - the same thing has happened and is happening to plenty of other humans. Weight loss superstars and plain folk like me. Yes, I need to make a decision. I made it long ago. Now what? Don't give up. Get honest with self and maybe others about what is eating at me. Find a way to make peace with the reality of who and how I am and work within my parameters to optimize my efforts at moving more and eating less. Never give up. And most of all, at least for this blogger, the SHAME MUST BE JETTISONED OFF. Shame avails me nothing and actually adds to my burdens. The luggage of my ages that I carry with me, literally, wherever I go. I am not the only one with this issue. I don't judge others for it. Why judge myself so harshly? Do you know I'd been tempted to stop reading Chris because of her endless success? How's that for a plan? "It's easy for some people who don't have MY issues....". What a crock of sh*t I sell myself. We're all in this together. When one person is having success and positive mindset, some else is struggling. All of it can help me on my own journey, and most of all remind me I'm not alone.
**added after initial posting** - As I was thinking about the whole addictive eating issue, I recalled a therapist I saw for awhile who dealt with eating disorders. She talked about how so many overweight women literally "wear" their distress, like a garment. She herself had lost 80 pounds and had it off for years when I was seeing her - she noted that she sometimes thought of her extra weight as "this dress" as metaphor for "distress". I think of that often when I survey my own "distress".
Reframing my thinking is essential. I need to start talking a bit about what's really nagging at my heart and soul. Because that's where the little girl who wants to binge is and it's going to take a lot more food to keep her silent if I don't start listening to what she has to say. And that will send me in a direction I don't want to go.
Once again, the blog community provides experience, strength and hope. I thank every single one of you for that.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Hot 100 Update
I'm having real trouble with my blog on my work computer. My blogroll hasn't updated since early Wednesday. This doesn't happen at work, and I keep getting messages that I need to update my browser, but at work my attempts to update are futile. I always have more time to post here at work than at home, but am afraid my posting will somehow not "take". Gonna try, because I have a busy afternoon and evening ahead.
First, my Hot 100 update. I realized this morning as I read my last week's update that I didn't even set goals for this week. Given that I haven't done much in the way of tracking or tallying my calories, I guess that means I don't have to post bad progress! The reality is I have not tracked beyond lunch at all this week. I had one afternoon (yesterday) of overeating, but otherwise I know I've stayed within my 1870 calories for my other challenge, Allan's. I know because I've kept the evening snacking to a minimum, having only 400 calories (actually slightly less) each day after dinner.
The weather has been either torrentially rainy, or ass-freezing cold, so my exercise has been less than usual. I walked at least 30 mins 3 times this week. I always aim for 6 times, so that was half baked. I've been drinking tons of water. I haven't weighed since Sunday, and I'll weigh again this Sunday. Almost hopped on today but remembered my blog friends telling me to knock that crap off! Too much weighing makes Leslie Loonier than Usual, and that's saying something.
For this week coming up, I am stating goals:
1) Limit after dinner eating to 400 calories. This amount is budgeted from my maintenance eating amount. If my total is less (I'm going to try to stay at 1500 total for the day a few days this week), the 400 is part of it.
2) I'm going to have to track if I'm staying within the calories. I will do it every day.
3) Exercise 30 mins or more 6/7 days.
4) Keep up with 96 oz or more water daily
I don't have much else to talk about today. Instead, one of our clients and I are working on decorating the bulletin board outside my office for Christmas. It's a work in progress but we hope to finish this afternoon. If so, I'll take a picture of it and of my buddy and ever enthusiastic client Carl and post it next week. The weekend is for that house cleaning required to decorate - then Christmasizing the house. It's going to be COLD - highs in the 30s, so a pot of pea soup is waiting to be brewed while carols fill the air. The goal...coziness. Hope you find some yourselves this weekend.
First, my Hot 100 update. I realized this morning as I read my last week's update that I didn't even set goals for this week. Given that I haven't done much in the way of tracking or tallying my calories, I guess that means I don't have to post bad progress! The reality is I have not tracked beyond lunch at all this week. I had one afternoon (yesterday) of overeating, but otherwise I know I've stayed within my 1870 calories for my other challenge, Allan's. I know because I've kept the evening snacking to a minimum, having only 400 calories (actually slightly less) each day after dinner.
The weather has been either torrentially rainy, or ass-freezing cold, so my exercise has been less than usual. I walked at least 30 mins 3 times this week. I always aim for 6 times, so that was half baked. I've been drinking tons of water. I haven't weighed since Sunday, and I'll weigh again this Sunday. Almost hopped on today but remembered my blog friends telling me to knock that crap off! Too much weighing makes Leslie Loonier than Usual, and that's saying something.
For this week coming up, I am stating goals:
1) Limit after dinner eating to 400 calories. This amount is budgeted from my maintenance eating amount. If my total is less (I'm going to try to stay at 1500 total for the day a few days this week), the 400 is part of it.
2) I'm going to have to track if I'm staying within the calories. I will do it every day.
3) Exercise 30 mins or more 6/7 days.
4) Keep up with 96 oz or more water daily
I don't have much else to talk about today. Instead, one of our clients and I are working on decorating the bulletin board outside my office for Christmas. It's a work in progress but we hope to finish this afternoon. If so, I'll take a picture of it and of my buddy and ever enthusiastic client Carl and post it next week. The weekend is for that house cleaning required to decorate - then Christmasizing the house. It's going to be COLD - highs in the 30s, so a pot of pea soup is waiting to be brewed while carols fill the air. The goal...coziness. Hope you find some yourselves this weekend.
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