I have 2 full days of SB Phase 1 eating under my belt (no pun intended though I can feel the difference under my waistband already) and until about and hour ago was feeling increasingly better. I got up and went to my 7 am meeting and while there my stomach began churning and rumbling, sending me on 2 trips to the ladies' room. Then I started feeling nauseous, so I bolted for home and am now couch bound feeling pretty lousy. I know there are stomach bugs going around, but I have no idea if this is a bug or if it's related to the drastic change in my eating in the last 2 days.
Drastic is an understatement. I've been eating great low carb food, using SB recipes I'd never tried before. I've also had more nuts than I ever have, and I'm thinking that could be part of my stomach woes. I'd never used any of the SB recipes before - opting for simple selections of the low carb variety like plain chicken, plain meat, plain fish, plain everything. The recipes have been GREAT, and I'll share what I've tried later in the week if the spirit moves me. Maybe take pics too. I see that I can truly enjoy a low carb lifestyle...my family's been loving the few recipes I've made.
No sugar at all. Very low refined carbohydrate products. By yesterday morning a lot of brain fog had already lifted. It's amazing how sugar affects me. My activity level was a little better. On day 1 I was pretty austere with what I ate - sticking to the amounts recommended on the plan. Yesterday though, I felt munchier so did have more low fat cheese and nuts than the plan suggests. But I kept the extra snacks no-low-carb and so didn't set up the whole craving for more because of the insulin response.
Monday morning I weighed 216.8. This morning I was 212. Obviously that's not all fat I lost, but whatever it was feels better gone. I've been up at least 4 times during the night to pee the last 2 nights! I was in such a pattern of horrible eating that too much sodium was part of the picture - literally rendering me puffy all over. I think carb and sugar toxicity can contribute to water retention, plus I've been on low dose steroids for a major sinus infection. I'm almost off of it and that will also help. If you've read me for awhile you may recall a couple other times I was on Prednisone that really played with my body, mind and spirit. I've kept it quiet this time to decrease the amount of whining I inflict on my dear readers.
I'm hoping this queasiness subsides and I can get a walk in today. A friend and I tried yesterday, but there were still a lot of icy spots on streets and sidewalks along with a big wind that made it miserable to be out. I know getting out in the air and moving a bit will also help my body move towards better balance after the abuse I've heaped on it for the last weeks.
So - that's it for today. Just an update. Until this stomach ick hit this morning, I was feeling so much better already and optimistic about low carbing. Almost euphoric... but already fast forwarding to worrying about how it won't stay this easy once I get a few days down the road, drop the extra over the top pounds and "forget" the horror of how bad I've been feeling. I need to strive to keep that horror of the climbing weight and the physical effects at the forefront of my mind so I DON'T forget.
I want this (Monday morning at the scale and the mirror) to be my bottom with food addiction and I pray that it is. But bottoms have trap doors - I see it in AA all the time. When I had a relapse very early in sobriety, I said to a gal at a meeting, "maybe I haven't hit bottom yet", to which she replied, "You can get off the elevator at any level and claim that as your bottom." I'm off of it for now and don't want to start the downward spiral again.
So the quote for the day that I heard from my brother in law:
"You hit bottom when you stop digging." I'm throwing in the shovel.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Coming clean
I've talked often about how weighing too often can be as dangerous as scale avoidance. How the mentality of scale roulette can set in where I find myself eating to whatever the number-du-jour reads out when I hop up on the scale altar more than once a week. Today, however, it served me very well to step on a second day in a row...
I weighed yesterday morning and was horrified to see 216. I've been holding around 208-210 with an occasional stumble to 212 that has responded promptly to a day of clean eating. This weight range has been bad enough, but at least I was maintaining rather than gaining. But seeing that number jolted me and prompted my post yesterday about recovery day #1 and returning to sane eating. "Better" was where I was going. And I really meant it.
I did do better, at least through the early afternoon - drank more water and had salad and vegetables as planned. But I slowly ended up having several slices of leftover pumpkin cranberry bread, a piece of cranberry pie, potato chips...just more of all kinds of sh*t that remained in the house. A couple of my sons' friends came over to watch football and hang out, and as they ate snacks (all of them lean muscle machines), I began noshing. And noshing. I didn't start this grazing redux until about 5:30, but once I got started I didn't stop until bedtime.
Still I thought I'd done BETTER because of the first 8 or so hours of the day, and all the water, and my most excellent intentions. To verify my BETTER, I decided to get naked again this morning and "make sure" things were moving in the right direction. Imagine my naked horror to get on the scale and see 216.8!
That did it. I shot up a prayer, vowed to not beat myself up, and to knock off all of the insane eating. I came to the blogs and something/someone directed me to Lucy's blog called Walking the Low Way Barefoot. I love Lucy's blog, and in the last 6 months (back in July 2010) she's established a low carb lifestyle in an effort to improve her health as well as stabilize her Type 2 Diabetes. She has a link on her sidebar to her "Day of reckoning" where she talks about what made her sit up and start paying attention to her health rather than basically ignoring it. I could relate...
Here's a dirty secret of mine - I was diagnosed with Type 2 about 2 1/2 years ago. I've never honestly owned or admitted it on my blog. Or really in my life. I was borderline at diagnosis but my fasting blood sugar was high enough to diagnose me with the disease. I began tightening up my food, using South Beach as a guide for lowering my carb intake, and the following summer when I started this blog, all my numbers (Hgb A1C and fasting blood sugar) were in totally normal range. The last Hgb A1C I had was January 2010, after my first knee surgery but prior to my second, and the # was 6.0. Perfect for a Type 2. This was while I was still under 200 (as low as 192) and doing pretty well with my food and exercise.
While I'm being honest, I also have high blood pressure for which I take 2 medications. I would probably be able to come off medication if I made better food choices and got my weight down.
Since then - the quality of my eating has gradually disintegrated. Anyone who reads my blog knows this. Many excuses - no good reasons. Denial? Not exactly, because I've been aware that I've been ignoring not only my expanding waist line but my health. I've been aware of my lack of resolve, my increasing waist line, my decreasing energy level. Sugar and simple carb consumption has become a daily practice, where for a long time at least I could keep it to a day or so a week.
A major truth is I'm ashamed that I have Type 2 diabetes and hypertension. They feel like fat-people diseases, which they can be, but certainly aren't exclusively. I don't want to have it. Well, I have it and I'm not going to hide that anymore. The way I've been eating for the last year, but especially for the last month is a slow form of suicide. Yeah - that's dramatic - but continuing this behavior with eyes wide open qualifies. I'm not REALLY trying to off myself - but knowing my truth and ignoring it is pretty nutty. I don't want to keep harming myself. I deserve better. And intellectually I know that it isn't shameful to have the diseases I have. What is a shame is to have them and pretend I don't.
I'm starting Phase 1 South Beach today. I'd been contemplating starting Weight Watchers this week, but first I'm going to save the money and use my well worn copy of the SB book as my guide. Money's tight, and I spent way too much over the holidays - more addictive type behavior - so I'm going to see how it goes. It's 4:45 today and so far so good. I have a killer headache that always comes when I begin sugar detox.
I'm not proud to admit all this stuff, but I know for sure that the truth can set us free. The scale's message of a .8 lb gain in 24 hours today shattered the last of whatever has been holding tight within my psyche to keep a nice facade of "just a weight problem" rather than a serious health issue that left unchecked can shorten my life. My life is too good to not fight for, and this is a fight in which I'm not powerless if I step up and face the foe.
I weighed yesterday morning and was horrified to see 216. I've been holding around 208-210 with an occasional stumble to 212 that has responded promptly to a day of clean eating. This weight range has been bad enough, but at least I was maintaining rather than gaining. But seeing that number jolted me and prompted my post yesterday about recovery day #1 and returning to sane eating. "Better" was where I was going. And I really meant it.
I did do better, at least through the early afternoon - drank more water and had salad and vegetables as planned. But I slowly ended up having several slices of leftover pumpkin cranberry bread, a piece of cranberry pie, potato chips...just more of all kinds of sh*t that remained in the house. A couple of my sons' friends came over to watch football and hang out, and as they ate snacks (all of them lean muscle machines), I began noshing. And noshing. I didn't start this grazing redux until about 5:30, but once I got started I didn't stop until bedtime.
Still I thought I'd done BETTER because of the first 8 or so hours of the day, and all the water, and my most excellent intentions. To verify my BETTER, I decided to get naked again this morning and "make sure" things were moving in the right direction. Imagine my naked horror to get on the scale and see 216.8!
That did it. I shot up a prayer, vowed to not beat myself up, and to knock off all of the insane eating. I came to the blogs and something/someone directed me to Lucy's blog called Walking the Low Way Barefoot. I love Lucy's blog, and in the last 6 months (back in July 2010) she's established a low carb lifestyle in an effort to improve her health as well as stabilize her Type 2 Diabetes. She has a link on her sidebar to her "Day of reckoning" where she talks about what made her sit up and start paying attention to her health rather than basically ignoring it. I could relate...
Here's a dirty secret of mine - I was diagnosed with Type 2 about 2 1/2 years ago. I've never honestly owned or admitted it on my blog. Or really in my life. I was borderline at diagnosis but my fasting blood sugar was high enough to diagnose me with the disease. I began tightening up my food, using South Beach as a guide for lowering my carb intake, and the following summer when I started this blog, all my numbers (Hgb A1C and fasting blood sugar) were in totally normal range. The last Hgb A1C I had was January 2010, after my first knee surgery but prior to my second, and the # was 6.0. Perfect for a Type 2. This was while I was still under 200 (as low as 192) and doing pretty well with my food and exercise.
While I'm being honest, I also have high blood pressure for which I take 2 medications. I would probably be able to come off medication if I made better food choices and got my weight down.
Since then - the quality of my eating has gradually disintegrated. Anyone who reads my blog knows this. Many excuses - no good reasons. Denial? Not exactly, because I've been aware that I've been ignoring not only my expanding waist line but my health. I've been aware of my lack of resolve, my increasing waist line, my decreasing energy level. Sugar and simple carb consumption has become a daily practice, where for a long time at least I could keep it to a day or so a week.
A major truth is I'm ashamed that I have Type 2 diabetes and hypertension. They feel like fat-people diseases, which they can be, but certainly aren't exclusively. I don't want to have it. Well, I have it and I'm not going to hide that anymore. The way I've been eating for the last year, but especially for the last month is a slow form of suicide. Yeah - that's dramatic - but continuing this behavior with eyes wide open qualifies. I'm not REALLY trying to off myself - but knowing my truth and ignoring it is pretty nutty. I don't want to keep harming myself. I deserve better. And intellectually I know that it isn't shameful to have the diseases I have. What is a shame is to have them and pretend I don't.
I'm starting Phase 1 South Beach today. I'd been contemplating starting Weight Watchers this week, but first I'm going to save the money and use my well worn copy of the SB book as my guide. Money's tight, and I spent way too much over the holidays - more addictive type behavior - so I'm going to see how it goes. It's 4:45 today and so far so good. I have a killer headache that always comes when I begin sugar detox.
I'm not proud to admit all this stuff, but I know for sure that the truth can set us free. The scale's message of a .8 lb gain in 24 hours today shattered the last of whatever has been holding tight within my psyche to keep a nice facade of "just a weight problem" rather than a serious health issue that left unchecked can shorten my life. My life is too good to not fight for, and this is a fight in which I'm not powerless if I step up and face the foe.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Coming off Christmas
I hope everyone had a good Christmas, or if you don't celebrate - a peaceful and relaxing Saturday. We had a lovely holiday with many laughs, thoughtful gifts, an hour skype chat with our daughter, and lots of food. LOTS. And when I say food, know that includes far too much sugar and simple carby stuff. Can you spell
r-e-c-k-l-e-s-s-a-b-a-n-d-o-n?
Ugh - I woke up this morning feeling like dough - puffy and mushy; craving lettuce and simple vegetables not covered in a melange of butter, cheese and what not. Karen mentioned the other day that after a point, the food stops even tasting that good. So true. Too much is enough. Much less would have been more than enough and still enjoyable. I overshot enjoyment and even really tasting food by Friday afternoon.
So Post Christmas Day 1 becomes recovery day. Only agenda item was going to the grocery and getting some salad fixings for a chef salad for dinner, along with zucchini, tomatoes and onion and steamed green beans. Doesn't that sound good? I couldn't even eat breakfast because of NO appetite, and for lunch had 2 eggs + 1 egg white with 2 slices WW toast. I'm infusing mass quantities of water, which I had totally stopped for the last few days. And the fog slowly lifts. A 45 minute walk with a friend in the first snow flakes helped.
Other than above food prep, today is R&R. I got the Kindle I asked for and will be reading the tome that is the "User Guide" as my maiden Kindle voyage. We're expecting blizzard conditions from 3pm-12noon tomorrow, so that will allow some sanctioned (and woefully needed) down time. The Eagles/Vikings game that was happening tonight actually got postponed til Tuesday because of the weather. I didn't know they ever cancelled football!
That's it from me. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. After the many weeks of anticipation, it feels like Christmas is suddenly over with a thud! But I'm ready for the new year coming up and am going to be reflecting on 2010 and what I've learned, so I can contemplate 2011 and consider where I want to focus my intentions. Naturally my waistline will be one of the places!
r-e-c-k-l-e-s-s-a-b-a-n-d-o-n?
Ugh - I woke up this morning feeling like dough - puffy and mushy; craving lettuce and simple vegetables not covered in a melange of butter, cheese and what not. Karen mentioned the other day that after a point, the food stops even tasting that good. So true. Too much is enough. Much less would have been more than enough and still enjoyable. I overshot enjoyment and even really tasting food by Friday afternoon.
So Post Christmas Day 1 becomes recovery day. Only agenda item was going to the grocery and getting some salad fixings for a chef salad for dinner, along with zucchini, tomatoes and onion and steamed green beans. Doesn't that sound good? I couldn't even eat breakfast because of NO appetite, and for lunch had 2 eggs + 1 egg white with 2 slices WW toast. I'm infusing mass quantities of water, which I had totally stopped for the last few days. And the fog slowly lifts. A 45 minute walk with a friend in the first snow flakes helped.
Other than above food prep, today is R&R. I got the Kindle I asked for and will be reading the tome that is the "User Guide" as my maiden Kindle voyage. We're expecting blizzard conditions from 3pm-12noon tomorrow, so that will allow some sanctioned (and woefully needed) down time. The Eagles/Vikings game that was happening tonight actually got postponed til Tuesday because of the weather. I didn't know they ever cancelled football!
That's it from me. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. After the many weeks of anticipation, it feels like Christmas is suddenly over with a thud! But I'm ready for the new year coming up and am going to be reflecting on 2010 and what I've learned, so I can contemplate 2011 and consider where I want to focus my intentions. Naturally my waistline will be one of the places!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Feelin' groovy
I'm off to a great start today. For the last several days I've been running in high gear trying to get to my morning 7 a.m. meeting before work at 8:30 which means I have to leave the house by 6:25. Usually I have my breakfast and lunch planned and prepared when I walk out of the house, but other things, like gift wrapping and assorted holiday chores have meant no food prep at all.
Breakfast has been a soft pretzel grabbed at work with some yogurt. Lunches have been dashing out to buy soup or something. BAD IDEA. No planning = poor eating.
Breakfast has been a soft pretzel grabbed at work with some yogurt. Lunches have been dashing out to buy soup or something. BAD IDEA. No planning = poor eating.
This morning I decided not to go to the meeting because I had to go order some special bread for Christmas morning French toast and knew it would be a hassle if I tried to cram it in. What gets back burnered is always "the next right thing" in favor of chaotic maneuverings. Not today. I made myself a sane, calorie counted breakfast: a high fiber English muffin (only had half the muffin - wasn't that good) sandwich with 2 eggs and 2 strips of bacon: It was delicious and totally satisfying.
I also made a beautiful big ass salad for lunch to have with some leftover roasted broccoli and onion that's scrumptious...the picture of which blogger is now not letting me upload. This has to be a function of my work computer or a setting I don't understand. I have one picture successfully upload and then can't pull up more. Also the justification thing is centering again after one picture no matter what I do. This has happened to me before but I haven't posted many pictures lately. I see why. Any help?
Anyway, it feels good to have taken care of myself this way...taking time to set myself up for a healthy day rather than tempting the food fates. It's amazing how totally unhungry I feel when I start with a big wallop of protein. I always do that but of late that practice has gone by the wayside. Someone just stopped by my door asking if I wanted to by one of the soft pretzels!!! Argh - no thanks.
So my post is derailed a bit here. Life goes on and I'm not going to let this sour my mood, though it's trying. I can be a hothead at times, and this is warming my noggin. Breathe in, breathe out..................
This is my last day of work until January 3rd and I'm so ready for the break. I have a lot of meet ups with friends planned for next week but I'm also hoping to just luxuriate with books, movies and knitting. And hanging with my 3 men and 1 canine. We'll be skyping with daughter often hopefully and that'll be good. I just started reading The Help (I'm the last living human who hasn't yet read it) and am already loving it. Nothing better than a good book.
I'm not sure how much I'll be posting for the next few days, but I'll definitely be reading and commenting. I hope all of you have wonderful holiday joys and peace with your families and friends. Whatever you celebrate, rest, renewal and reflection seem to settle in as the year comes to a close. I know I'll be counting my blessings. And hoping to get a better handle on this darn Blogger, because I have a cameral full of stuff I want to share! Merry and Happy, everyone.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Perspectives
Quick post today to say thank you to my blog friends who are so kind and supportive. It's a lovely community we have here.
I feel much better today - lighter. Maybe not pound wise, though I didn't "step on" to find out. But definitely mood wise. Many of you seconded my idea of not stressing over each pound and each morsel of food that enters my temple for the next few days. I think I keep expecting people to scold me when I confess my many and varied food iniquities. Where does that come from? Mom I guess, but she's been gone a long time...34 years! I know she did the best she could with parenting, but she was up my craw about what I ate long before I ever had any related issues. I was a skinny kid, but she'd "uh uh'd" every dessert I ever wanted. I'm not blaming her or anyone for my struggles. Just interesting to note.
My virus or whatever it is seems to be mobilizing on its way out, because I stepped up all the healthier practices yesterday, including NO SUGAR. Also using my asthma meds as prescribed (following directions, go figure) is helping. And the thing that helped the most...yesterday I got out and did a brisk 3 mile walk with a friend after work. I swear, being out in the cold clean air did more for me than anything else. Fresh air is a very good thing.
I finally started wrapping in earnest yesterday after the walk and almost finished everything that has arrived or been bought. I'm still awaiting 2 shipments from Amazon (why can't I think of everything at once?!), but other than that, I'm feeling as ready as necessary. And you knwo what I discovered a long time ago? The holiday comes whether I'm "ready" or not, so best to let go of the perfectionistic crapola. And you may quote me.
I just dashed out to get soup for lunch at a local gourmet wannabe shop. I got their homemade chicken noodle soup because it appeared thick with veggies. Just had the first bite and it basically has no flavor and the veggies are mush. Damn. Well, if that's the worst thing that happens today, I can chalk up another winner.
Speaking of worst things - I have heard of several very difficult situations and tragedies in the last few days. I found out that the 26 y/o son of a woman I used to play tennis with died 3 days ago. No idea how or why. Also, a woman I work with has a 30 y/o daughter who just had her 2nd baby a month ago. Right after the delivery, she suddenly lost sight in one eye...long story short is that she has a melanoma tumor behind her eye and is having surgery today to remove the eye and the tumor. Hopefully it hasn't spread, but it was so agressive that they had to do the surgery within 2 days of getting the biopsy report. Another gal I work with was diagnosed with a sarcoma of the left hip and will begin treatment next week.
I'm not trying to be a downer, but rather just say that hearing such stories provides a huge perspective jolt for me. I can get upset about a few pounds, or my healthy daughter not coming home for Christmas. They say that if any group of people could toss all their problems and struggles into the center of the room to pick perhaps a lesser burden...each would take back his/her own stuff 99% of the time. So much to pray for. So much to be thankful for.
On a positive note, my closest friend and AA sponsor (who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2+ years ago and never smoked) Lisa, who I've spoken of here before, just got back the results of her most recent PET scans, and all her cancer that remains has shrunk from 3 months ago. She's hanging in and hanging on, and setting an amazing example for all of us who know her of how to live with terrifying uncertainty a day at a time. With a 12 y/o and a 7 y/o, she has a lot to live for, and she's really living...not waiting to die. Talk about powerful inspiration.
Well, so that wasn't such a quick post afterall. If you made it this far down, thanks. Have a good Christmas eve eve eve!
I feel much better today - lighter. Maybe not pound wise, though I didn't "step on" to find out. But definitely mood wise. Many of you seconded my idea of not stressing over each pound and each morsel of food that enters my temple for the next few days. I think I keep expecting people to scold me when I confess my many and varied food iniquities. Where does that come from? Mom I guess, but she's been gone a long time...34 years! I know she did the best she could with parenting, but she was up my craw about what I ate long before I ever had any related issues. I was a skinny kid, but she'd "uh uh'd" every dessert I ever wanted. I'm not blaming her or anyone for my struggles. Just interesting to note.
My virus or whatever it is seems to be mobilizing on its way out, because I stepped up all the healthier practices yesterday, including NO SUGAR. Also using my asthma meds as prescribed (following directions, go figure) is helping. And the thing that helped the most...yesterday I got out and did a brisk 3 mile walk with a friend after work. I swear, being out in the cold clean air did more for me than anything else. Fresh air is a very good thing.
I finally started wrapping in earnest yesterday after the walk and almost finished everything that has arrived or been bought. I'm still awaiting 2 shipments from Amazon (why can't I think of everything at once?!), but other than that, I'm feeling as ready as necessary. And you knwo what I discovered a long time ago? The holiday comes whether I'm "ready" or not, so best to let go of the perfectionistic crapola. And you may quote me.
I just dashed out to get soup for lunch at a local gourmet wannabe shop. I got their homemade chicken noodle soup because it appeared thick with veggies. Just had the first bite and it basically has no flavor and the veggies are mush. Damn. Well, if that's the worst thing that happens today, I can chalk up another winner.
Speaking of worst things - I have heard of several very difficult situations and tragedies in the last few days. I found out that the 26 y/o son of a woman I used to play tennis with died 3 days ago. No idea how or why. Also, a woman I work with has a 30 y/o daughter who just had her 2nd baby a month ago. Right after the delivery, she suddenly lost sight in one eye...long story short is that she has a melanoma tumor behind her eye and is having surgery today to remove the eye and the tumor. Hopefully it hasn't spread, but it was so agressive that they had to do the surgery within 2 days of getting the biopsy report. Another gal I work with was diagnosed with a sarcoma of the left hip and will begin treatment next week.
I'm not trying to be a downer, but rather just say that hearing such stories provides a huge perspective jolt for me. I can get upset about a few pounds, or my healthy daughter not coming home for Christmas. They say that if any group of people could toss all their problems and struggles into the center of the room to pick perhaps a lesser burden...each would take back his/her own stuff 99% of the time. So much to pray for. So much to be thankful for.
On a positive note, my closest friend and AA sponsor (who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2+ years ago and never smoked) Lisa, who I've spoken of here before, just got back the results of her most recent PET scans, and all her cancer that remains has shrunk from 3 months ago. She's hanging in and hanging on, and setting an amazing example for all of us who know her of how to live with terrifying uncertainty a day at a time. With a 12 y/o and a 7 y/o, she has a lot to live for, and she's really living...not waiting to die. Talk about powerful inspiration.
Well, so that wasn't such a quick post afterall. If you made it this far down, thanks. Have a good Christmas eve eve eve!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
We repeat this broadcast
That's where you've landed - home of the Grinch. My local all-Christmas-music-allthetime station has been playing this a lot lately and the lyrics are indeed speaking to me. Not a good sign.
My favorite line is, "You're a 3 decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich!" What can I say - love to digest a good food metaphor. And I am one irritable blogger today.
I woke up last night around 1:15 with my throat feeling like a slab of raw meat and my airway feeling narrowed. ACK. Having asthma, I respond quickly to such symptoms so went downstairs to do a nebulizer treatment. The medicine makes me hyper as Tigger on steroids, so I vibrated, (literally) for several hours before finally falling asleep. The galloping crud-du-jour that's going around felled hubby last week, and # 1 son was feeling the beginnings of sore throatishness yesterday. DAMN. It's not the end of the world, but my reaction to getting respiratory symptoms is always a bit over the top.
Another reason I'm in a crappy mood is that I got on the scale this morning and have gained a pound. We ate out at a Mexican restuarant last night; then I had a dish of ice cream with butterscotch sauce to cap it off. I'm caving in to the ubiquitous cookie and confection trays that are materializing everywhere, and the sugar alone makes me more vulnerable to getting sick, not to mention feel more achy and inflamed all over.
This is what came to mind this morning...at this point I'm just going to table (another food metaphor) my weight loss efforts and calorie control until next Monday. Not give up - not go crazy with eating. Just relax. Hell, if I relax anymore I'll be in a coma. And when I'm honest with self, suspending my effort for any period of time inevitably leads to letting go of constraints and all bets are off. I'll be WISHING for a gain of 1 measly pound. I'm so sick of my head with this, and I'm sure you guys are too. I'm also grateful that some other bloggers have been mightily struggling and falling off the wagon in recent weeks - not for their sake, but for my own. Helps me know I'm not the only one. Not alone.
I'm also grateful that many more bloggers demonstrate that rational reasonable eating CAN sustain through the holidays and all days without diminishing the quality of those days one iota. It can be done. I've done it. But not for a long time.
Dear Loretta at LorettasJourney has been steadily working her way down the scale and is such an inspiration and voice of sanity and wisdom for me. She strives to stay positive and when she feels her thinking getting "stinking", she calls herself on it and reframes her thoughts to be self encouraging and edifying rather than self hating. She's been doing something for awhile that just today hit me as a very useful tool...going back to a year ago in her blogging to see what she was saying then. I've decided to do a bit of that for myself.
Here's an exerpt from December 21, 2009 -
Also, my eating continues to deteriorate. I didn't get on the scale in the last 3 days, which isn't a good sign, so I need to weigh tomorrow to see what's up - HAH! Literally. (That wasn't intentional, but fitting, huh?) What with wrestling with the knee, being behind on all aspects of holiday preparation, and generally feeling sorry for myself, it feels like too much to eat sanely. I know in my head that I'm going to have to deal with the weight gain eventually and that this overeating I'm continuing with right now is totally counterproductive to who I am and what I want for myself; but the self-pitying emotional part of me feels like I just can't restrict myself when I have this knee thing going on. Talk about a shitty excuse.
I've said this before in the last few posts and I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but it ain't going away. In fact, it's escalating. That's what the slippery slope is all about. So far I haven't baked any cookies, but I have made the outrageous herbed nuts that I give away each year, and the cookie recipes are stacked up on the counter, just goading me to get moving. My kids will eat them, but they'll eat them like normal people. Same with hubby. Just one, 2 tops. WTF??????????? Like someone who drinks half a glass of wine and leaves the rest...makes no sense to me. Addiction, thy name is Leslie.
Back to now
Well - how do you spell RERUN? While looking for this in my archive, I ran across a post during the last week of the year that noted an AA and rest of the world's piece of widom: if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Or, and I quote myself,
Then again:
"Well, I'd like to extrapolate on that nugget of wisdom: if you stop doing what you were doing that worked when you were doing it, you'll stop getting what you were getting when you were doing what you stopped doing - results."
What does it take to thrown in the towel? Raise the white flag? Surrender Dorothy -er, Leslie? One blog friend who has found lasting peace with food through a 12 step program has gently been sharing with me her experience, strength and hope. I've resisted this for 3 years after a BAD experience with some food nazis. But a certain other 12 step program has certainly given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, away from the Groundhog's Day existence of "another day, another hangover". In the food realm I'm living a broken record of doing the same thing over. I don't expect different results - I know I'm screwing up - I just can't "do the next right thing" for more than a few days.
Please pardon my rebroadcast of yesterday's news. There really isn't much to say and I don't want blog friends to feel compelled to respond to the same old shit every time I write it. What I do want is to hear congratulations for progress and growth (not the physical kind!), and that I'm becoming someone else's inspiration. Someday. Soon?
My favorite line is, "You're a 3 decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich!" What can I say - love to digest a good food metaphor. And I am one irritable blogger today.
I woke up last night around 1:15 with my throat feeling like a slab of raw meat and my airway feeling narrowed. ACK. Having asthma, I respond quickly to such symptoms so went downstairs to do a nebulizer treatment. The medicine makes me hyper as Tigger on steroids, so I vibrated, (literally) for several hours before finally falling asleep. The galloping crud-du-jour that's going around felled hubby last week, and # 1 son was feeling the beginnings of sore throatishness yesterday. DAMN. It's not the end of the world, but my reaction to getting respiratory symptoms is always a bit over the top.
Another reason I'm in a crappy mood is that I got on the scale this morning and have gained a pound. We ate out at a Mexican restuarant last night; then I had a dish of ice cream with butterscotch sauce to cap it off. I'm caving in to the ubiquitous cookie and confection trays that are materializing everywhere, and the sugar alone makes me more vulnerable to getting sick, not to mention feel more achy and inflamed all over.
This is what came to mind this morning...at this point I'm just going to table (another food metaphor) my weight loss efforts and calorie control until next Monday. Not give up - not go crazy with eating. Just relax. Hell, if I relax anymore I'll be in a coma. And when I'm honest with self, suspending my effort for any period of time inevitably leads to letting go of constraints and all bets are off. I'll be WISHING for a gain of 1 measly pound. I'm so sick of my head with this, and I'm sure you guys are too. I'm also grateful that some other bloggers have been mightily struggling and falling off the wagon in recent weeks - not for their sake, but for my own. Helps me know I'm not the only one. Not alone.
I'm also grateful that many more bloggers demonstrate that rational reasonable eating CAN sustain through the holidays and all days without diminishing the quality of those days one iota. It can be done. I've done it. But not for a long time.
Dear Loretta at LorettasJourney has been steadily working her way down the scale and is such an inspiration and voice of sanity and wisdom for me. She strives to stay positive and when she feels her thinking getting "stinking", she calls herself on it and reframes her thoughts to be self encouraging and edifying rather than self hating. She's been doing something for awhile that just today hit me as a very useful tool...going back to a year ago in her blogging to see what she was saying then. I've decided to do a bit of that for myself.
Here's an exerpt from December 21, 2009 -
Also, my eating continues to deteriorate. I didn't get on the scale in the last 3 days, which isn't a good sign, so I need to weigh tomorrow to see what's up - HAH! Literally. (That wasn't intentional, but fitting, huh?) What with wrestling with the knee, being behind on all aspects of holiday preparation, and generally feeling sorry for myself, it feels like too much to eat sanely. I know in my head that I'm going to have to deal with the weight gain eventually and that this overeating I'm continuing with right now is totally counterproductive to who I am and what I want for myself; but the self-pitying emotional part of me feels like I just can't restrict myself when I have this knee thing going on. Talk about a shitty excuse.
I've said this before in the last few posts and I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but it ain't going away. In fact, it's escalating. That's what the slippery slope is all about. So far I haven't baked any cookies, but I have made the outrageous herbed nuts that I give away each year, and the cookie recipes are stacked up on the counter, just goading me to get moving. My kids will eat them, but they'll eat them like normal people. Same with hubby. Just one, 2 tops. WTF??????????? Like someone who drinks half a glass of wine and leaves the rest...makes no sense to me. Addiction, thy name is Leslie.
Back to now
Well - how do you spell RERUN? While looking for this in my archive, I ran across a post during the last week of the year that noted an AA and rest of the world's piece of widom: if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Or, and I quote myself,
Then again:
"Well, I'd like to extrapolate on that nugget of wisdom: if you stop doing what you were doing that worked when you were doing it, you'll stop getting what you were getting when you were doing what you stopped doing - results."
What does it take to thrown in the towel? Raise the white flag? Surrender Dorothy -er, Leslie? One blog friend who has found lasting peace with food through a 12 step program has gently been sharing with me her experience, strength and hope. I've resisted this for 3 years after a BAD experience with some food nazis. But a certain other 12 step program has certainly given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, away from the Groundhog's Day existence of "another day, another hangover". In the food realm I'm living a broken record of doing the same thing over. I don't expect different results - I know I'm screwing up - I just can't "do the next right thing" for more than a few days.
Please pardon my rebroadcast of yesterday's news. There really isn't much to say and I don't want blog friends to feel compelled to respond to the same old shit every time I write it. What I do want is to hear congratulations for progress and growth (not the physical kind!), and that I'm becoming someone else's inspiration. Someday. Soon?
Monday, December 20, 2010
The pause that refreshes
Your non-blogging blogger here to play catch up after a whirlwind weekend and mucho busy-ness. I'm actually glad it's Monday - work will pose a nice distraction from all the presents I haven't wrapped, cards and little care -packages for local friends I haven't assembled and the grocery list for next weekend I haven't starting pondering, much less compiling. Also from looking out the window for the UPS guy to deliver half of Amazon's stock that I ordered over the last week.
First - may I say that I'm sick of bite-ass cold weather? Atypically cold, might I add. The kind of cold where you have to bundle up just to check the mail. It makes every venture out a mother lode of hassle. Yet when out "erranding", the stores are so frigging HOT (where's the font that has little flames rising from the letters?) one needs to peel off layers of life giving warmth within minutes of entering any place of business. Then where to put said layers? So one leaves the wraps in the car, padding self with gloves and scarf only(for purse tuckability), freezes one's ass off risking life and limb venturing 5K distances through parking lots dodging MFer drivers ripping around for the closest spots. So this is Christmas.
Eventually it becomes necessary for this gal to intentionally slow down, get alone and unplugged, breathe in AND out, lower the shoulders, close the eyes and just be. Feel. Listen carefully for what is my favorite notion from a hymn (?) I recall from childhood - the music of the spheres.
I have no idea where I heard that term, but I love it. As a kid I thought the music of the spheres was the sound of the earth rotating on it's axis. But now it becomes the simple sound of silence - ambient atmospheric white noise which expands and deepens when I get quiet enough to listen. It's the continuum of calm that IS, beneath the chaos, the dizzying activities, conversations, incessant thinking and compulsive doing. Without occasionally tapping into it through sitting quietly focusing on my breaths, I find myself stick necked, overwhelmed, irritable, tense, and wishing I could wake up on January 2. How crazy is that? Actually wishing away days of my precious life and all therein.
Meditative silence affords me the opportunity to regroup, renew, restore. Without leaving the room. Maybe even get in touch with my heart. And soul. Today. Not in January when the chaos is over.
Quiet time, meditation - this is an essential components of self care for me that gets mindLESSly shoved to the back burner unless I literally put it on my planner. My life is booked into incremements of 30 minute to 3 hour intervals of activity, meetings, getting together with friends. I'm an activity junkie on top of everything else. And when at last I have a little time - I flip on the boob tube to HGTV or the Cooking Channel - anything that keeps me from settling in with self. Or the universere. Whatever or whoever presents when I get quiet enough to see and hear.
My MO of chronic doing becomes yet another form of escape from the dark interior of Leslieland that really isn't so dark. Just rarely travelled because I avoid it like the plague. A non-caloric version of stuffing thoughts and feelings. Fears. Fill in the to-be-avoided-at-all-costs blank.
This week I intend to find more quiet. I feel calmer just thinking about it. I want to bundle up and walk in a local park for as long as I can stay warm and listen to the music of winter nature and the sound of my shoes on the path. A whole different sound from other seasons. Self care comes in many forms. What works for you?
First - may I say that I'm sick of bite-ass cold weather? Atypically cold, might I add. The kind of cold where you have to bundle up just to check the mail. It makes every venture out a mother lode of hassle. Yet when out "erranding", the stores are so frigging HOT (where's the font that has little flames rising from the letters?) one needs to peel off layers of life giving warmth within minutes of entering any place of business. Then where to put said layers? So one leaves the wraps in the car, padding self with gloves and scarf only(for purse tuckability), freezes one's ass off risking life and limb venturing 5K distances through parking lots dodging MFer drivers ripping around for the closest spots. So this is Christmas.
Eventually it becomes necessary for this gal to intentionally slow down, get alone and unplugged, breathe in AND out, lower the shoulders, close the eyes and just be. Feel. Listen carefully for what is my favorite notion from a hymn (?) I recall from childhood - the music of the spheres.
I have no idea where I heard that term, but I love it. As a kid I thought the music of the spheres was the sound of the earth rotating on it's axis. But now it becomes the simple sound of silence - ambient atmospheric white noise which expands and deepens when I get quiet enough to listen. It's the continuum of calm that IS, beneath the chaos, the dizzying activities, conversations, incessant thinking and compulsive doing. Without occasionally tapping into it through sitting quietly focusing on my breaths, I find myself stick necked, overwhelmed, irritable, tense, and wishing I could wake up on January 2. How crazy is that? Actually wishing away days of my precious life and all therein.
Meditative silence affords me the opportunity to regroup, renew, restore. Without leaving the room. Maybe even get in touch with my heart. And soul. Today. Not in January when the chaos is over.
Quiet time, meditation - this is an essential components of self care for me that gets mindLESSly shoved to the back burner unless I literally put it on my planner. My life is booked into incremements of 30 minute to 3 hour intervals of activity, meetings, getting together with friends. I'm an activity junkie on top of everything else. And when at last I have a little time - I flip on the boob tube to HGTV or the Cooking Channel - anything that keeps me from settling in with self. Or the universere. Whatever or whoever presents when I get quiet enough to see and hear.
My MO of chronic doing becomes yet another form of escape from the dark interior of Leslieland that really isn't so dark. Just rarely travelled because I avoid it like the plague. A non-caloric version of stuffing thoughts and feelings. Fears. Fill in the to-be-avoided-at-all-costs blank.
This week I intend to find more quiet. I feel calmer just thinking about it. I want to bundle up and walk in a local park for as long as I can stay warm and listen to the music of winter nature and the sound of my shoes on the path. A whole different sound from other seasons. Self care comes in many forms. What works for you?
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