There oughta be a law

  
Seriously, there oughta be a law -
-against fruit going out of season.  My clementine fetish is growing and deepening daily.  Today at work, the peelings from the 3 clemmies I've had were in the trashcan next to my desk, filling my office with the most delightful fruity, fresh citrus aroma.  Everyone who entered noticed the wonderful essence hanging in the air.  Today's clementines are perfect, seed free and practically peel themselves.  But in a couple weeks, they'll start to have seeds, lots of pith on the hard to peel fruit, and we'll know they will soon be but a happy memory.  I experience this painful fruit separation far too often - the cherries, the many berries, and of course - peaches.  Why can't fantastic fruit be a constant.  I know...then we wouldn't appreciate it while it's  here.









-requiring at least one 3-day weekend per month.  Bring on the January 3-day, Dr. King.  2 more days until 3-day bliss.  And no, I don't wish my life away waiting for weekends.  I just love 'em when they're here.

-against a lousy quarter of an avocado having 3 points.  I could eat the whole thing  in the blink of an eye.  It's okay, though, because with fruit costing no points in WW Points Plus, I've discovered mashing a 1/4 avocado with a little lime juice for a yummy dressing on an otherwise zero point salad!

-requiring that no Kindle edition of a book can cost more than the paperback version.  It makes my feeble mind go into hyperspace when the Kindle edition is $12.99 and the paperback is 9.99.  I suspect this is a function of my advancing years and techno-boobism.  Somehow an actual book I can hold seems like it should cost more than a virtual one?  I know - I'm old. 












-against toxic people who wreak havoc in others' lives and
-requiring that MY definition of toxic people is THE definition.  And be assured I could supply some examples of such folks.  They seem to be crawling out of the woodwork in the last week.
For example (but not limited to):  the nut bar I encountered in the Swiss Farm drive thru last Friday.

There.  I feel better.
**********************************************

Still loving Points Plus.  How does Biz get that trademark in the circle thing to add after she writes Points Plus?  Tis a mystery.  And a technological wonder.

I realize I'm in the honeymoon phase of this new endeavor, but I've also had moments of wanting something that would use up half a day's points in one fell swoop.   Example - I had coffee with a friend today at a little cafe that had these huge amazing looking cookies, and I seriously considered having one.  I mean seriously.  But in thinking it through, I knew: 1) that one would never be enough, 2) that it would essentially break open the floodgates and I'd spend the rest of the day/evening eating more junk - "to get it out of my system and get back on track tomorrow," and 3) that I did not want to have to confess it on my blog tomorrow. Thinking it through enabled me to say no to myself.  Today.   And guess where I learned that trick of thinking it through?  The same place I learn just about everything I need to a day at a time...AA.

Briefs

* 3 days in and I feel good. Optimistic. I'm actually writing this at 1 p.m. on day 3 (Tuesday) but I know I'll get the day. I think I'm starting to feel what Chris calls "a fire in the belly", and given my excellent food choices, for once it isn't heartburn.

* Speaking of heartburn, I've had ZERO Tums since Day 1 on WW. Coinkydink? I think not. Usually I live on Tums - my main calcium source since I HATE milk.

* This morning, after all of 2 on-plan days, every cell in my body wanted to climb up on the scale. I told those cells to STFU. Whether good or bad, the # on the scale would screw with my thinking. Sunday morning at WW will be my weigh day.

* I experienced bona fide empty stomach hunger just before sitting down to lunch. How novel it feels.

* I freaking LOVE plain spaghetti squash. All by it's lonesome, though S & P spiff it up nicely. The texture is very appealing to my mouth. Oral gratification of the zero points kind.

*Yesterday I starting feeling some resistance about tracking after I finish a meal or snack. This morning as I assembled my humongous salad, I tracked anything with points as I put it in. It's all tallied before eat.  Eureka!  The mind game can be eliminated with some planning ahead.

* Last night after dinner I had some food thoughts. I ate 2 clementines, then brushed and flossed. Zero points, and in the absence of already having a lot of sugar and fatty crap on board, they tasted decadent.

* I will not buy too many WW products. I got some WW multi-grain English muffins because they are only 2 points a piece. They turned out to look made from white flour and don't taste good. Better to use a couple more points for whole grain goodness. Better yet, I'm going to start using small 100% wholewheat pitas - 70 cals a pop. Haven't calc'ed the points yet but can't be more than 2, if that.

* I am definitely choosing wisely and carefully what I eat to stay in my daily allowance. Extra points for high quality highly ntrtitious items can come from the weekly Points Plus allowance.  There's nice flexibility here.

* I'm Leslie and I'm a clementine addict.  These would never taste so good if I was eating highly refined low quality carbs in excess.

* For dinner last night I made this from Tami at Nutmeg Notebook...Brazilian ham and bean soup.  It was fantastic and easy to throw together.

* Thanks to bloggers who mention meaningful posts they find in other blogs. I've discovered some good ones that way. A favorite of mine, Helen, mentioned several in the linked post today. I visited ones I didn't know and found some amazing inspiration.  So many blogs, so little time.

* Still no report to my insurance company from Psycho driver of last Friday.  Keeping fingers and toes crossed.

* Hoping for a snow day today, but it's unlikely.  I live in an area where our snow accumulation is supposed to be minimal, despite the storm being touted "a weather bomb" by the media.  Nothing hyperbolic press.

Happy Hump Day!

Seeking buried treasure

**I wrote this last night and posted it this morning. I want to say that I'm 2 days in on the WW plan, getting my points allowance for the day without going over. I have extra weekly points I can tap as needed, as long as they're tracked. I woke feeling good! Rested, clear-headed, calm and not even a tiny indentation on my ankles from the socks I wear to bed (every night!). I'm finding I'm already taking better care of myself in other ways...flossing daily (well, 2 days in a row isn't going to get me a Nobel prize, but it's something I let slide too often), brushing my hair before bed, washing my face and moisturizing! Please let this last. At least for today.**

I greatly appreciate all the support, encouragement and kind comments from my blog friends about me joining the new and improved (IMHO) Weight Watchers. I have to confess that when I wrote about it I was afraid that there would be a collective eyeroll from my readership, as if to say "there she goes on yet another wild goose chase for the next quick weight loss fix". I know it's a little sad that I feel that way, because no one in the blog realm or in my actual in-the-flesh life has ever given me that impression. Maybe they've thought it, but no one has ever been judgemental about my struggle to my face, and probably not on the down-low, either. See how I can be what they call in AA "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex"?

That impression comes from deep within my - soul? heart? mind? old baggage receptacle? - somewhere an expectation that I'm fundamentally flawed and everyone knows it. My MO used to include constantly criticizing myself in order to let you know that I know I'm full of it and essentially unworthy and bad, fat, dumb...whatever. Low self-esteem 'R" moi - or WAS moi. Truly I've gotten much better over the years. The most common thing people used to say to me was, "You are so hard on yourself!!! WHY?" Um, I don't know why. Oh, yeah I do...to make sure you know that I know...see beginning of this paragraph.

I'm happy to report that no one has said that to me in at least 10 years, which indicates genuine progress. I don't verbally pummel myself or tear myself to shreads anymore. Through AA and therapy, I've done LOTS of work over the years and have let go of, if not destroyed, many old tapes that used to cycle through my brain persistently, reminding me of the importance of keeping my opinion of myself lower than an angleworm's tummy. Not anymore - I'm MUCH better. And yet...still harboring old vapors of my essential awfulness. Else why would those fears of bloggy judgement waft into consciousness?

The reason I'm compelled to write about this is that ancient negativity, low self esteem, self doubt and shame are among the detritus at the core of my emotionally driven eating. And what has become apparent to me in the last couple of weeks is how still active this old crap is in my subconscious mind, despite all the work I've done and healing I've experienced.

In Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss, she addresses this in the 2nd paragraph of the introduction. Nothing like cutting to the chase, Marianne. I'm going to quote her a bit here, because what she says seems starkly accurate and relevant, at least to yours truly.

"Perhaps you've made amazing efforts to lose weight in the past-employing everything from extraordinary diet plans to almost superhuman feats of exercise - yet have found yourself mysteriously unable to keep the weight off permanently. While you succeeded for a time in changing your behavior, you've not yet experienced the deep level of change necessary in order to truly solve the problem.

On your own you might have changed your conscious thinking, but you alone cannot change your subconscious. And unless your subconscious mind is enrolled in your weight-loss efforts, it will find a way to reconstitute the excess weight regardless of what you do."
She goes on to describe her "course" as "a lesson plan in aligning your thinking with the spiritual principals that will set you free", and lists them:

1. Your body itself is completely neutral. It causes nothing; it is completely an effect, not a cause.
2. Neither poor diet nor lack of exercise are the cause of your excess weight. Mind is cause; body is effect. The cause of your excess weight is in your mind.
3. The cause of your excess weight is fear, which is a place in your mind where love is blocked.
4. Fear expresses itself as subconscious urges, which then express themselves as either excessive and/or unhealthy eating habits and/or resistance to proper exercise.. The ultimate effect of this -that is, excess weight - will only be permanently and fundamentally healed when the fear itself is rooted out.

We'll see. The rest of the book is divided into lessons (chapters), each offering exercises for reflection and writing to help the individual discover and explore the old crap that continues to sabotage weight loss effort and the quest for peace with food. Marianne's premise is that once the crap (fear) is excavated and let go, there is space for healing and love. It's definitely new age-y and I may ultimately end up back with more applied work in the Steps of AA. Whatever, this work will be as important as eating less and moving more. That has worked in the past. Been there. Done that. Back here.

One thing I know is that neither WW nor any other food plan will ever be enough to promote the "deep level of change necessary in order to truly solve the problem". While I'm tallying points, I also need to be facing feelings and hunting down old pain. Claiming the old baggage submerged deep in my soul and making peace with it - one way or another. Letting go. Seeing the errancy of negative beliefs. Valuing my experience - all of it, including the weight and eating. And coming to know that I don't need that aspect of self-coping anymore.

Sounds like a tall order but it's getting harder to not do it. I'm sick and tired of mindless yoyoing. I'm ready to seek a resting place that leaves room for my rich full life. And I'm pretty sure the only way through is through.

Another new old plan

It just took me four different tries that included an entire system reboot to get to the NewPost option on Blogger with the dinosaur that is my work computer.  I KNEW I should have written a post from home this morning.  I thought I was going to have to write this in Word, but finally I arrived at my bloggy destination.  I've been wanting to post all weekend but it was such a busy blur of 2 very short days that it never happened.  I have more news than the Washington Post today.  So much that I may have to write it over several posts.

First - I haven't heard anything yet on whether the crazy lady from Friday has filed a claim about her car and my alleged rear-ending of it.  I talked to the Swiss Farm folks about getting the security video reviewed and they were going to talk to their corporate HQ and report back to me.  As I type there is an adjustor from my insurance company out assessing my car and taking photos.  I'll keep you posted - hopefully she crawled back into her hole and won't resurface for a decade or so.  Thanks all of you for your bloggy support and validation over what a nut job she clearly is.

What I am most excited about...I took a big plunge and joined Weight Watchers on Saturday.  I've been thinking about it for a long time, but since the Points Plus was introduced and I've read about it on so many blogs, esp. Roni's, TJ's and Biz's, I really researched it.  I think the Jennifer Hudson commercial I spoke of last week that revealed my inner lack-of-belief in myself pushed me to finally go for it.  Full on go for it, in that I bought the cookbook and the Points Plus calculator that the lady actually told me I wouldn't need (WRONG - I've already used it several times).  I officially started yesterday because I had a lot going on Saturday (my youngest son's last dinner at home before going back to school yesterday and I made a cake that I was going to enjoy), and also didn't have time to thoroughly read all the material, and couldn't stay for the entire "get acquainted with PP" session. 

Sunday I was ready and had shopped with WW in mind the day before.  I was channeling Biz and TJ as I made a breakfast sandwich with a low carb, low cal, high fiber English muffin, egg beaters, reduced fat Swiss cheese and a slice of Canadian bacon that was great.  I tracked every bite that went in my mouth and had a great day 1 on the program.  Also got a long walk in the frigid cold for which I was so bundled that when I got home and un-layered, I was actually sweaty.  It felt so good to go to bed last night knowing I'd followed the plan to the letter, and waking up today was even better.

I'd done WW about 8 years ago (with the old points system), and predictably it worked great...as long as I worked it.  I'm still going to try keep low carb eating in mind because I believe that it's the best food plan for getting blood sugar and carb addiction wrestled down, but for the first time I was missing fruit and craving Fresca and Diet orange soda and drinking them to excess.  I've gotten myself mostly off diet soda except maybe 1 or 2 a week, so I was returning to an old bad habit.  Following this program does not seem to get in the way of focusing on lower carb intake, and keeping the carbs to high quality and nutritious ones as opposed to the simpler refined ones that set the whole insulin syndrome into gear.

The biggest challenge for me, as always, is dealing with the addictive and nutty thinking my brain churns out when I start to not eat everything I want when I want.  Emotions will surface, food thoughts will settle in that will threaten my resolve.  But with the Spiritual Lessons for Weight Loss I talked about last week that I'm already starting to work on, I hope/plan/intend to stay the course.  It's all fresh and new right now so I'm beyond enthusiastic and compliant.  I like the WW program and the focus on healthier  whole foods that Points Plus directs us toward.  Stay tuned.

I have more news but in the interest of putting this up before midnight I'm closing now.  The other sort of big story is blessedly unrelated to eating.  I'll tell you about it tomorrow.  Hint:  It has to do with daughter in the Peace Corps...

Have a good Monday.  We're already counting down to Friday :)

Harrowing morning

I need to vent.  SCRE-a-e-a-e-a-e-a-e-a-e-a-MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!  Read that loud, strident, angry and angst filled, please. 

We had a total wimp of a snowstorm come through this morning - only about 2 inches, but total nuisance because it came from 6:30 - 9 am, totally F-ing up rush hour and turning the roads into nasty brown slushy slippery swampy messes.  I gingerly pulled into a Swiss Farm Store Drive thru on my way to work to get some 1% cottage cheese for my breakfast protein.  I pulled behind the car that was already being waited on, put my car in park, and then set to getting my wallet from my purse.  Next thing I know, a very unattractive angry woman is standing at my door claiming I hit her car from behind and pushed her forward ("I felt forward momentum").  Now, unless I had a mini-stroke or a moment of unconsciousness, that did not happen.  I felt no impact or even a tiny subtle tap that you occasionally feel when parallel parking and you barely tap the car in front or behind with the rubber bumper as you maneuver.  NOTHING.  The was no touching of her car by my car.  I know I would have sensed it, felt it or something.

I was shocked and assured her I did not even tap her car, let alone touch it enough to push her forward.  She started shrieking at me and asked for my insurance info.  I was stunned and flabbergasted.  I told her I'd give her my info but that I did not hit her car at all and would tell my insurance company that.  She stormed up to the Swiss Farm workers and said to them, "YOU'RE MY WITNESSES!", to which they replied that they weren't witnesses as they neither saw nor heard anything.  They also said there's a security camera in operation, at which point the woman came back to my car and said "You'll change your tune when you find out there's a security camera, HUH?" 

It was totally bizarre - I gave her my info, which she watched me copy from my insurance paper and then insisted she see my license to verify I was who I said I was!  OMG it was awful.  Not to mention that her bumper and mine both look perfectly normal.  I need to stop writing about it because I'm getting myself stirred up and I had finally de-escalated.  I came straight to work and called my insurance company and gave them a full report, including my rage and shock over this crazy woman.  That was the upsetting part - she started out treating me like a criminal and going for my jugular before I even knew what she was mouthing to me from outside my window as I rolled it down in the beginning.

Okay - I feel better venting it again.  I have to let it go because I've done everything I possibly can, and ruminating about it is only going to further affect my day.  You guys know I'll let you know if anything transpires.  My insurance company rep said she may not even call them, but I have a feeling she's going to try something.

And as the perfect punctuation to this story, once I pulled up to the very nice lady at Swiss Farm, shaking like a leaf as I was - the lady handed me a rubber spongey ball and said, "Here's a stress relief ball for you, and would you like a free cup of coffee?  She was nuts!"  That was good, but then it turned out they were totally out of cottage cheese, so that trip was futile anyway.  Oh well - there's no way the rest of the day isn't going to be better.  Thanks for letting me rant. 

I'm doing something major tomorrow morning related to my weight loss intention that I'll write about afterwards.  I'm psyched and excited.  Have a good w/e, and drive CAREFULLY and DEFENSIVELY!!!

Getting ready to get ready

This is just a short post to say I'm fine - I don't usually go so long between posting and I didn't want you guys to think I had eaten my way into a coma or anything.  Actually my food has been good this week - not perfect - but NO bingeing or craziness.  I'm still staying conscious of keeping carbs low, but the Phase 1 eating was really doing a number on my stomach so I've modified a bit and have been eating fruit and an occasional 70 calories worth of Joe's O's (Trader Joe's Cheerios). 

I finally de-Christmased the house on Tuesday - usually I'm ready to get all that crap packed and back to the attic before New Year's, but hubby and kids were calling me Scrooge and Grinch (they're right - oh well) so I let it stay as long as I could stand it.  Hubby acts like I'm threatening to murder Baby Jesus when I want the house clear before "Twelfth Night" - January 6th.  He was raised Episcopalian and between that and his Grandmother's b'day being 1/6, he thinks it's immoral and unlawful to tamper with Christmas trees and decorations before.  And I'm just ready for a new beginning!

I haven't exercised as much as usual (because it's freaking freezing) but I've actually begun doing some applied HEAD working out related to my eating issues.  I gave myself a few Christmas presents, one of which was Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever.  I've just started it but it seems pretty good.  I've done a scan of the 21 lessons and there is a lot of similarity to working the steps in a 12 step program, though in different order and with different focus.  I'm committing to taking my time with working through of the lessons.  Already in just the introduction, she talks about how compulsive or addictive overeating that isn't dealt with in the subconscious (where the many and varied ways we use eating to fill a spiritual void in ourselves are generated) is likely to recur eventually, even after long periods of sanity with food.  I could write my own book on THAT phenomenon...think I've got it licked and then WHAMMO - hello 20 pounds I lost last year.  So many times.  Marianne talks about how our subconscious issues, beliefs and strategies can derail our effects endlessly unless we discover and parse them.

I might not have believed that had I not experienced what I wrote about the other day...realizing that I was answering a WW commercial with a voice from my mind that said "No, I can't do it".  That was an awakening for me...the awareness that I was DISaffirming myself unconsciously and automatically.  Wow - it's hard to fight what you don't even know is opposing you.  Suddenly the premise of Marianne's book seems relevant.  Important.  Vital.  And one of many programs or action plans to help get to our core stuff.

So...I'll be writing more about this as I delve in.  One of my favorite bloggers, Roxie, has been doing a lot of spiritual work in the last month or longer, and she has totally inspired me.  For years, actually since my 39th birthday when I vowed to spend the year prior to turning 40 getting inside my food issues, I've planned and intended and meant and promised and determined to really begin to investigate at depth the subconscious underpinnings of my relationship with food.  17 years later I've yet to have honestly done it.  Why? Fear - fear of ...it not working, not doing it right, of doing it and still not finding healing, of discovering I'm essentially unworthy to have this issue resolved - by myself or by my God, of being destined to be pudgy and moosey by my genetic make up...fill in the reason blank ____________.  I've gotten started many times - lasted a few days, and then fallen away even before the going even got tough.  I want to be fearless and need to be if I'm going to do let go of the weight.

In AA you often hear that we don't have a drinking problem, we have a THINKING problem (once the booze is gone).  And in that lies the headgame (and I believe the soul sickness) that is operating for an addict.  Faulty thinking that impacts how I conduct my life and my relationships.  But this is something I CAN do something about.  With time and help.  Committment.  My committment gene has been a little thready at times - certainly regarding food and eating.  I don't know what to say about how I will try and strengthen it...again, other than I'm trying again.  Never quitting, but trying to bring in some new artillery to fight this addiction and it's related behaviors that are STILL trying to keep me hating myself.  But I'm not gonna do it...hate myself, that is. 

There's a guy I've heard speak in AA a bunch of times, and he always ends his talks with, "I don't know about loving myself, but at least I don't give myself the finger when I look in the mirror anymore!"  Exactly - a lifetime of maladaptive patterns doesn't turn around overnight, but it can get better a day at a time.

Once again a short post that turned into a novella!  Once I tap into the thinker, it starts percolating all kinds of stuff.  I could go on and on but will do everyone a favor and button it for now.  I have an awesome salad waiting in the wings.

Remembering to believe in myself

Happy New Year a day in.  It's been great reading peoples reflections on the old year and intentions for 2011.

My low carb eating has been going pretty well.  Friday and Saturday I eased up a bit on the low carb but stayed reasonable with my eating, outside of too many lemon squares on New Year's Eve.  I make kick-ass lemon squares, and apart from the sugar and flour content thought they were a better choice than many other desserts I could have over done.

In reading many late 2010 and early 2011 posts, I find comfort in being somewhere in the middle of the span from amazing success and dismal failure in this endeavor to lose weight and find fitness.  Perspective is important for this blogger...I can get emotionally inflated or devastated when comparing myself to another.  Actually any dabbling with comparing myself with anyone else is futile and self defeating activity.  Either I can feel smug that I didn't gain AS MUCH this year as another, or become mired in self-contempt and self pity in finding myself the lowest form of life when stacked against another.  This truth doesn't just hold true for the blog community...but spans all my day to day interactions.

Yet another concept about living a day at a time that I've learned in AA is to resist at all cost the temptation to compare oneself with anyone else.  Rather, comparing myself to myself is the more accurate gauge of reality when inventorying my progress in any realm.  How am I doing today vs how I was doing last week, or month, or year?  What is better?  What is the same, or worse? Which of my habits affect where I am now? Progress?  Change?  Is my thinking anchored in reality or am I in denial about basic truths about myself?  Now, even this kind of self appraisal can leave one feeling fantastic or craptastic depending on the results of the inventory.  Trust me - craptastic is where I find myself this January 2...weighing more than January 2, 2010 after the ensuing 12 months of the same behaviors over and over while hoping for different results.  But in looking at "MOI" honestly, at least the final tally is a clear picture of myself that is workable - by myself.  When I put myself up against Jane Q Blogger who set out to lose 30 pounds, lost 40 with seemingly little effort and endless enthusiasm and no "issues", my frustration becomes murky and more about "why I'm not like her" rather than accepting myself lock, stock and barrel and determining to work with what and who I am.  The one thing over which I have control is myself and my actions. 

I'm done with with resolutions and list making about all the changes I'm going to make in the new year.  Or for my current round of determination.  Or the newest challenge.  I see clearly that getting whipped into a frenzy of motivation and positivity is no problem for me.  It's the sticking and staying when things get tough.  Or progress is slow.   Or when I'm in a challenge and "keeping up" for awhile, but then starting to fall away when others are making more progress and sticking to their convictions in a way that I can't seem to muster.  There is a fine line between getting fired up and inspired by others' accomplishments and feeling defeated when it seems everyone else is "doing better" in some way.

I need to keep my focus on myself first and foremost.  How many times have you heard a successful weight loss blogger, or a celebrity like Jennifer Hudson who's had amazing success on Weight Watchers say, "if I can do it, anyone can!"  During a WW commercial last week I heard the voice in my mind reply to Jennifer,"well, not anyone...not me apparently."

It really hit me between the eyes when I became aware of that thought the other day - playing like a taped  message from the depths of my unconscious.  That's what jolted me into this whole taking inventory thing...looking at now vs last year.  Last year I was unknowingly between 2 knee surgeries on Jan 2, but my drive to succeed at weight loss was still in gear - fueled by months of steady success and progress - and losing 28 pounds from the previous summer.  I knew I could do it because I'd been doing it.  But over the months of 2010, my belief in myself deteriorated - out of my awareness - to the point where I was answering Jennifer Hudson that of all the "anyones" out there she knew could do this, I was the one who couldn't.

So my main goal/resolution/intention this January 2 is to affirm myself daily, hourly if needed, that I CAN.  That I WANT to.  That I'm GOING to.  I know I can because I have in the past, and the past is a darn good predictor of the future.