Very brief post from me this evening to say I'm in a funk - feeling overwhelmed in several areas of my life (NOT blogging), antsy and anxious. I know some of what is gnawing at me, but suspect there is other material within that is trying to hook me as well. I know it will all shift, change and pass, and I know that there are things I can do to take care of myself in the meantime. Like setting boundaries. Getting away from stressful situations where I don't need to be. Gently reminding myself that it's alright to say no AND that no is a complete sentence.
The good news? I'm not eating over it. I haven't really been very hungry this week - and no, I don't have a fever, nor am I at the brink of death! I think the combination of work and friend issues has really burned me out. It seems like a lot of people are struggling right now and I've felt in the middle of several different situations where my friends are at odds with parents/husbands/kids...whatever. And the middle is not always a good place to be!
The big story? The stress of my over-involvement in others' problems is something I can have an effect on. I just forget that sometimes when I'm trying to be a good listener and supportive friend or AA sponsor. People pleasing is one of my defects and while I've gotten much better over the years, I still can "forget" and start dancing as fast as I can to keep other people happy and thinking I'm the be all and end all.
So this 24 hour emporium of taking phone calls, endless listening, running errands, giving rides....is closing for a few days. I'm pulling back from some of my usual activities and haunts mainly to give myself a pause that refreshes. (How many cliches have I already used here???!!!) A little distance for a bit of peace. Once my tank is empty, I can't give anything to anyone, and it's time to refill.
And that's all there is from me tonight.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Shucks, I'm speechless...
The award is The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award, and I'm tickled pink to have received it. The rules of this award are to list 5 guilty pleasures and nominate 3 more sweet bloggers for the award. This is right up my alley as guilty pleasures are my specialty, and I'll have to work to keep the list to 5.
1) an afternoon nap on any given day. Always heavenly, and since I'm always up by 4:30 a.m., therapeutic! Don't get them near often enough.
2) Having a friend who cleans houses for a living do my house every 2-3 months. I can't really afford it - but I love coming home to the smell of mixed cleaning solutions and the sparkle of shiny appliances.
3) Bacon. Real thick sliced bacon cooked crisp enough that nothin's moving on it, but not burned at all. Bacon is one of the true pleasures in life. No, not turkey bacon.
4) A "Say Yes To The Dress" marathon, (or House Hunters, What Not To Wear, Frasier), to enjoy while knitting to my heart's content.
5) Apple fritters made by a local Amish bakery that are indescribably delicious. They make me moan like little else does =D. I haven't had one of these in about 3 years for obvious reasons.
I made a conscious effort to not have all my guilty pleasures be food, but know that many are.
And now the bloggers to whom I pass this on:
Darla - a new blog to me, who is a good writer with a great sense of humor,
PJGeek - PJ talks about food addiction issues that I always relate to, also with great humor.
Jane - talks often about some of the emotional issues that can impact food and eating desires - as well as our lives in general. Very thoughtful stuff.
I'm still hanging in with Points Plus and continue to be surprised and reassured by the flexibility and variety it affords. I don't want to get too confident, esp. given my dismal food performance over the last several months, but I'm starting to think that I can sustain with this plan because nothing is verboten. Within this, I also have to be honest and know my trigger foods that, once ingested in any amount will result in consumption of mass quantities. Even though WW doesn't prohibit any food, I need to leave certain ones out. OR ELSE.
Hmmm...guess I wasn't speechless after all.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Balance?
*UPDATE below*
Good stuff:
2 hour delay
knees feel much better today (weather related?)
already have roasted a pan of veggies for the week (that'll only last a couple days, prob)
lots of time to have already made a BAS (big ass salad) for lunch today
food in check and counting those points
Less good stuff (trying to not be negative):
icy mix has been falling since the wee small hours, necessitating the good 2 hour delay (yin and yang?)
nagging little minor symptom for couple weeks that I'm going to call to have checked out today
Damn it ( = 3 items)
I have no idea right now where my little blue book (that lists hundreds of Points Plus values in foods) is. I had it yesterday, at home, so it has to be somewhere. I have my trusty calculator, but the book has practically become an appendage. I. Will. Find. It. I hope. Or I'll be buying a new one after work today.
*UPDATE*
The damn it list has been eradicated as I found the little blue book in the car when I left for work. Who the hell put it there???? Now the balance is heavily in favor of GOOD, which it already was. The less good is down to the phone call to run something by my doc. I'm thinking a good day lies ahead.
Good stuff:
2 hour delay
knees feel much better today (weather related?)
already have roasted a pan of veggies for the week (that'll only last a couple days, prob)
lots of time to have already made a BAS (big ass salad) for lunch today
food in check and counting those points
Less good stuff (trying to not be negative):
icy mix has been falling since the wee small hours, necessitating the good 2 hour delay (yin and yang?)
nagging little minor symptom for couple weeks that I'm going to call to have checked out today
Damn it ( = 3 items)
I have no idea right now where my little blue book (that lists hundreds of Points Plus values in foods) is. I had it yesterday, at home, so it has to be somewhere. I have my trusty calculator, but the book has practically become an appendage. I. Will. Find. It. I hope. Or I'll be buying a new one after work today.
*UPDATE*
The damn it list has been eradicated as I found the little blue book in the car when I left for work. Who the hell put it there???? Now the balance is heavily in favor of GOOD, which it already was. The less good is down to the phone call to run something by my doc. I'm thinking a good day lies ahead.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Weekend review
This was a lovely MLK day for me. I didn't participate in any community service projects, but I did have an opportunity to be of service to a couple of different aa friends who were struggling and that always helps me more than the other person.
Mostly it was a day of rest and relaxation. I read the first 60 pages of The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo and am just really getting into it. I've been wanting to read it for a long time (and the other three), but kept not having the down time to start it. Also did minimal cleaning (about 1/100 of what needs to be done around here), and laundry. I just got back from seeing The King's Speech, which was outstanding. Highly recommended. I saw it with a friend today, and hubby and I are "double dating" with good friends to see it Friday nigh which is great.
I'm tracking my points again since yesterday. I did take a point vacation on Saturday with not 2, but 3 meals eaten out. I know I could estimate, but I consciously decided to take Saturday after the weekly weigh in as a loose and relaxed day. It wasn't hard to get right back on the tracking train yesterday.
One thing that I've discovered is that whenever I'm not keeping track of my food, my water intake essentially drops to zilch. Well, maybe a glass or two a day, but not the 10 8-oz glass minimum I have on my focused days. I need to work on that. Actually, I probably need to work more on not taking days off from tracking. Playing with fire and all that.
I've managed 2 falls in the ice and snow that remain all over the sidewalks and streets around here in the last week - one while I was shovelling the driveway, and one when I tried to step over a big pile of snow onto the street after dark, and the place I stepped had a sliver of black ice my heel managed to step on! Neither fall was a big deal, but the second one landed me squarely on my knees, and for the last 2 days they've been stiff and achy again. Siiigh. My post op knees had been feeling absolutely normal for quite awhile - maybe several months. Hopefully I didn't do any damage. I think they're just sore from the moisture and upcoming storm we have coming tonight. The achy knees didn't get int he way of a brisk 4 mile walk today - but the sure have been hurting since. So I'm upping my stock in Advil again for awhile.
That's it from me. Back to work tomorrow and I'm ready. Time for this gal to get back to the structured day to day routine, which I think indicates a successful 3 day weekend.
Mostly it was a day of rest and relaxation. I read the first 60 pages of The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo and am just really getting into it. I've been wanting to read it for a long time (and the other three), but kept not having the down time to start it. Also did minimal cleaning (about 1/100 of what needs to be done around here), and laundry. I just got back from seeing The King's Speech, which was outstanding. Highly recommended. I saw it with a friend today, and hubby and I are "double dating" with good friends to see it Friday nigh which is great.
I'm tracking my points again since yesterday. I did take a point vacation on Saturday with not 2, but 3 meals eaten out. I know I could estimate, but I consciously decided to take Saturday after the weekly weigh in as a loose and relaxed day. It wasn't hard to get right back on the tracking train yesterday.
One thing that I've discovered is that whenever I'm not keeping track of my food, my water intake essentially drops to zilch. Well, maybe a glass or two a day, but not the 10 8-oz glass minimum I have on my focused days. I need to work on that. Actually, I probably need to work more on not taking days off from tracking. Playing with fire and all that.
I've managed 2 falls in the ice and snow that remain all over the sidewalks and streets around here in the last week - one while I was shovelling the driveway, and one when I tried to step over a big pile of snow onto the street after dark, and the place I stepped had a sliver of black ice my heel managed to step on! Neither fall was a big deal, but the second one landed me squarely on my knees, and for the last 2 days they've been stiff and achy again. Siiigh. My post op knees had been feeling absolutely normal for quite awhile - maybe several months. Hopefully I didn't do any damage. I think they're just sore from the moisture and upcoming storm we have coming tonight. The achy knees didn't get int he way of a brisk 4 mile walk today - but the sure have been hurting since. So I'm upping my stock in Advil again for awhile.
That's it from me. Back to work tomorrow and I'm ready. Time for this gal to get back to the structured day to day routine, which I think indicates a successful 3 day weekend.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
And the verdict is...........
My fears of no weight loss on the WW Points Plus program this week were unfounded. I lost - drum roll please - 6.8 pounds! Darn decent, if I do say so myself. Obviously I was pleased and motivated to continue. Today will be a free-er day than usual, though it's occurred to me that I can still choose wisely and stay within my points for the day with the addition of some of the weekly Points Plus allotment. That should seem like a great gift and a no-brainer, but there is part of me that wants to just enjoy the day without tracking.
I also have to say that while I had that nice loss, I had packed on more pounds over the holidays than I've copped to here, so I'm not exactly a shadow of my former self...yet. The number is still pretty gruesome, though 6.8 pounds less gruesome than last week at this time.
That's it from me, folks. I have a busy and fun day ahead, and then not one, but 2 more days off for reading, walking and chillaxing. Definitely planning to get horizontal and do some holding down of the couch too! Have a great weekend.
I also have to say that while I had that nice loss, I had packed on more pounds over the holidays than I've copped to here, so I'm not exactly a shadow of my former self...yet. The number is still pretty gruesome, though 6.8 pounds less gruesome than last week at this time.
That's it from me, folks. I have a busy and fun day ahead, and then not one, but 2 more days off for reading, walking and chillaxing. Definitely planning to get horizontal and do some holding down of the couch too! Have a great weekend.
Friday, January 14, 2011
5 big ones
Thanks for all the great comments and support yesterday. I stayed on plan all day and ate all my daily points rather than succumbing to eating disordered thoughts. I didn't weigh. I continued to do the right thing despite the alarming "what ifs" and fears of permanent fatness my head insisted on presenting to my mind for consideration. Shut up head! Someone, either in a comment or email, told me to trust the process, which I needed to hear. And now I have eaten right and well for 5 full days. Zero bingeing. Zero overeating. That hasn't happened in many months. Yay me!
Earlier in the week I said I'd weigh in on Sunday morning (eventually I hope to make that my official weigh day), but I decided to do it early Saturday morning instead because I have 2 meals out tomorrow - lunch with a knitting friend and dinner at the restaurant of my older son's choice as he turns 24 tomorrow. I plan to make good choices at both these meals, but I'd rather not have my weigh-in after the first week on program be after a 2 restaurant meal day. Again - eating disordered thinking would definitely get in the way of me receiving my weight, accepting it, and continuing on. I know myself too well. And I've had a great eating week, no matter what and I don't want the head's bullshit to undermine that.
Perhaps the reason I fear not losing weight is that I haven't been suffering at all this week. I've been satisfied with my food. Yes, I've had moments where I thought "a napkinful of Cheezits would be just the thing", but I've been able to say no the the voice. Why now? Why not all the time? I knoweth not, but I'm grateful for this rare outbreak of sanity.
Rest assured I'll report on tomorrow's weigh in. I have had not one morself of food regret or remorse this week, and that's great. I'm definitely calmer and less irritable. I look better - even I can see it. And I have good energy. These are all tangible rewards regardless of the scale's verdict. And at 2:30 this afternoon, my 3 day weekend begins. Not too shabby.
Earlier in the week I said I'd weigh in on Sunday morning (eventually I hope to make that my official weigh day), but I decided to do it early Saturday morning instead because I have 2 meals out tomorrow - lunch with a knitting friend and dinner at the restaurant of my older son's choice as he turns 24 tomorrow. I plan to make good choices at both these meals, but I'd rather not have my weigh-in after the first week on program be after a 2 restaurant meal day. Again - eating disordered thinking would definitely get in the way of me receiving my weight, accepting it, and continuing on. I know myself too well. And I've had a great eating week, no matter what and I don't want the head's bullshit to undermine that.
Perhaps the reason I fear not losing weight is that I haven't been suffering at all this week. I've been satisfied with my food. Yes, I've had moments where I thought "a napkinful of Cheezits would be just the thing", but I've been able to say no the the voice. Why now? Why not all the time? I knoweth not, but I'm grateful for this rare outbreak of sanity.
Rest assured I'll report on tomorrow's weigh in. I have had not one morself of food regret or remorse this week, and that's great. I'm definitely calmer and less irritable. I look better - even I can see it. And I have good energy. These are all tangible rewards regardless of the scale's verdict. And at 2:30 this afternoon, my 3 day weekend begins. Not too shabby.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Unearthing
I'm posting a lot suddenly - my mind is hopping all over the place which I know is related to 4 days of good eating with no sugar and no bingeing. No overeating at all. The emotional material that's usually well stuffed down into my toes is rumbling a bit, and I'd rather blog than contemplate re-instituting my stuffing behavior.
This will be brief. I'm starting to worry that I'm not losing weight doing WW. I woke this morning thinking I should "check" by jumping on the scale. My jeans out of the dryer weren't any looser this morning than they were a week ago. It's been 4 days. Not long - but I'm wanting instant gratification and results. I want - no NEED - to see what's going on with the scale. I'm not going to weigh, but I need to put it out there that my eating disordered thinking is mobilizing. I'm not going to let it take me down this time, and this morning I know I need to tell on myself just to defuse the intensity of the disordered thinking.
A dialogue is beginning in my mind:
"I don't think I'm losing weight."
"Of course I am. I always do when I stop overeating."
"But the jeans *should* be looser."
"It's only been 4 days."
"I have to know. If this isn't working I need to do something."
"What can you do? Cut your points?"
"I'll have to do."
You get the idea. Obsessive mind blather that can and will take me out if I let it. My antidote is to shine a light on the crazy thinking, hoping I can stop the dialogue between good and evil.
This will be brief. I'm starting to worry that I'm not losing weight doing WW. I woke this morning thinking I should "check" by jumping on the scale. My jeans out of the dryer weren't any looser this morning than they were a week ago. It's been 4 days. Not long - but I'm wanting instant gratification and results. I want - no NEED - to see what's going on with the scale. I'm not going to weigh, but I need to put it out there that my eating disordered thinking is mobilizing. I'm not going to let it take me down this time, and this morning I know I need to tell on myself just to defuse the intensity of the disordered thinking.
A dialogue is beginning in my mind:
"I don't think I'm losing weight."
"Of course I am. I always do when I stop overeating."
"But the jeans *should* be looser."
"It's only been 4 days."
"I have to know. If this isn't working I need to do something."
"What can you do? Cut your points?"
"I'll have to do."
You get the idea. Obsessive mind blather that can and will take me out if I let it. My antidote is to shine a light on the crazy thinking, hoping I can stop the dialogue between good and evil.
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