My 3 day weekend with it's open-ended unstructured wonderfulness was somewhat derailed by weekend guests. We knew my younger son's girlfriend was coming from Atlanta for their last rendezvous for awhile since today is starting a volunteer requirement for her upcoming Peace Corps assignment along with a job as a nanny. She'll be busy, and my son is currently looking for opportunities to teach ESL somewhere in SW Asia since he just finished his online certification. So they aren't sure when they'll next get to gaze into one anothers' eyes...ahhh, young love. :)
Anyway, that visit was expected, but I also had a surprise visit from a friend from nursing school (over 30 years ago...yikes!). Then our older son's birthday (the big 2-5!) was on Sunday, and his girlfriend came to help celebrate. It was all lovely and fun, but not conducive to me staying on my food plan...and before I go any further, let me acknowledge that none of this required me not stay on my food plan. I assume full responsibility for deciding to eat it all - the cake, the dinners an breakfasts out - and not consider trying to be at least moderate with my indulgences. No bingeing, but lots of food I would not eat were I staying on plan. Why would staying on plan and abstaining from the trigger foods of sugar, white flour and highly processed snacks seem like it would somehow detract from my enjoyment of the people and the activities. Intellectually I know that eating on plan wouldn't take one thing away from that...but choosing to eat off plan seemed easier. Oh crap - and I wanted to eat that stuff. Damn it.
Anyway - back on track today and it feels good. I haven't yet written out my thoughts about abstinence I've been talking about - hopefully in the next day or so I'll do it. Also, I forgot my cable to post my gray hair pics, so more to remember and follow up on. I just wanted to touch base here since I haven't been on line at all since last Thursday, other than to check email. I'm feel ready to sit through cravings and food thoughts today, though it's easy to say that when the food thoughts aren't beaconing.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hair affair
Hi Blog friends - I din't get to my abstinence post yesterday, and at this point I won't get to it today either. It's 2 p.m., and I still have several work related tasks before I leave early today to get my hair cut. But I wanted post something to update you on the scintillating and hopefully not endless saga of my weight loss. More on that in a sec...
This could be a red letter day for me at the salon, as it will hopefully be the day where the last gasps of dyed hair get cut away from my now mostly white coif! Recall that in late August (as detailed, with pics, in this post) I decided to stop dying of my hair after about 23 years. It's funny, because when I started coloring my hair, I had but the faintest and fewest wisps of gray appearing around my temples. Knowing me, this discovery was cause for a major freak out and prompt trip to the local colorist. In the beginning, I was able to go every 7 or 8 weeks between dye jobs, as my hair was longer and somehow didn't show the early few offending filaments much.
Over the years, the frequency of coloring increased until I really needed to go every 3 weeks, and even then I looked disturbingly unkempt for a few days prior. But I finally got sick of sitting in the salon, paying the money, putting allegedly non-toxic but suspiciously awful smelling chemicals on my head. My brain is in my head, for Pete's sake, and I didn't want to hasten the destruction of its cells.
So that was 4+ months ago, and I have a pretty short do. I figured by Thanksgiving I would be my new old gray-haired self. I've had about 7 cuts in this time frame, and have been shocked each time when there was still considerable colored hair remaining. It actually started to look good - like natural frosting or something. Many people said, "You should keep it like that!", however that woul have defeated the purpose of letting it go its natural course. For once in my life, I'm lucky in the looks department, because as I said above, my hair is turning out to be a pretty good color of whitish silver. Who knew? I figured I'd have mousey gray, but the color is great, andd the texture is a little coarser so it lies differently and appears thicker.
I took a few self photos just now, and my plan is to post before and after shots tomorrow after the cut. I'm ready to be done with the growing-out process, and fully embrace my white-haired, wise woman of a certain age self! Details to follow. I know this is an unbearable cliffhanger - hahaha - like, who cares? But it's a big deal for me right now, especially since it took me years to finally make the decision to go au naturel.
On the food front, I had a clean day Monday, and a 93% clean day yesterday, with the exception of 4 cookies and a sugar free/fat free pudding. Today is so far on plan, and will stay that way. I have meditation tonight, and that is a great way to divert my thoughts from after dinner snacking. My thoughts on true abstinence as defined by OA are solidifying so I will write about that tomorrow alongside my hair photos. :)
This could be a red letter day for me at the salon, as it will hopefully be the day where the last gasps of dyed hair get cut away from my now mostly white coif! Recall that in late August (as detailed, with pics, in this post) I decided to stop dying of my hair after about 23 years. It's funny, because when I started coloring my hair, I had but the faintest and fewest wisps of gray appearing around my temples. Knowing me, this discovery was cause for a major freak out and prompt trip to the local colorist. In the beginning, I was able to go every 7 or 8 weeks between dye jobs, as my hair was longer and somehow didn't show the early few offending filaments much.
Over the years, the frequency of coloring increased until I really needed to go every 3 weeks, and even then I looked disturbingly unkempt for a few days prior. But I finally got sick of sitting in the salon, paying the money, putting allegedly non-toxic but suspiciously awful smelling chemicals on my head. My brain is in my head, for Pete's sake, and I didn't want to hasten the destruction of its cells.
So that was 4+ months ago, and I have a pretty short do. I figured by Thanksgiving I would be my new old gray-haired self. I've had about 7 cuts in this time frame, and have been shocked each time when there was still considerable colored hair remaining. It actually started to look good - like natural frosting or something. Many people said, "You should keep it like that!", however that woul have defeated the purpose of letting it go its natural course. For once in my life, I'm lucky in the looks department, because as I said above, my hair is turning out to be a pretty good color of whitish silver. Who knew? I figured I'd have mousey gray, but the color is great, andd the texture is a little coarser so it lies differently and appears thicker.
I took a few self photos just now, and my plan is to post before and after shots tomorrow after the cut. I'm ready to be done with the growing-out process, and fully embrace my white-haired, wise woman of a certain age self! Details to follow. I know this is an unbearable cliffhanger - hahaha - like, who cares? But it's a big deal for me right now, especially since it took me years to finally make the decision to go au naturel.
On the food front, I had a clean day Monday, and a 93% clean day yesterday, with the exception of 4 cookies and a sugar free/fat free pudding. Today is so far on plan, and will stay that way. I have meditation tonight, and that is a great way to divert my thoughts from after dinner snacking. My thoughts on true abstinence as defined by OA are solidifying so I will write about that tomorrow alongside my hair photos. :)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Half and half
I had a 1/2 good and 1/2 bad weekend. Actually, the weekend was its usual lovely, work-free, see friends, chillaxin', get all the Christmas crap put away and other assorted tasks done where I managed to sneak in watching the last 5 episodes of the first season of Dexter (omg, that show is so good and so creepy!). Where it was 1/2 an 1/2 is in the journey to fitness an leanness arena. Don't be shocked... :(
On both days I got in 3+ mile very brisk walks (the weather was akin to spring), as well as some weights and an exercise dvd. On both days, I did not stay sugar free, and I ended up overeating. I also discovered pita chips, which I've instructed my brain to forget entirely, because my encounter with them was of the overdoing kind. I'd really not sampled them before, as they seemed wasted calories in that if I was going to eat that kind of highly refined snack item, I figured I might as well go for the simple (and highly coverted) potato chips rather than this "lite weight" snack wannabe.
But in the interest of making better choices, I thought I'd give the "baked not fried" chips a try. Big mistake, as in they were so good I ended up eating the entire bag over course of several hours. One napkin full at a time. Siiigh. That was Saturday. Sunday was a much better day, and though I did eat 4 Keebler cocunut chocolate cookies, I didn't get triggered the way I did the day before.
This all too familiar behavior puts me in mind of what I mentioned last week having read in some OA literature about how the idea of "abstinence" came to be a tool in their program. I'm going to talk about it tomorrow a little, but I'm having a busy enough day at work that I'm going to make this post brief.
I feel embarrassed again about falling off the wagon after a quick 2 day ride on it - but all is certainly not lost. I have my plan for today and I intend to follow it. I know what I'm eating for lunch (soon!) and dinner, so there won't be any fuzzy-brained decisions to make when it's time for meals. I didn't want to out myself here, but I'm committed to doing just that each time. I want to make 2012 a banner year for myself in this long journey to where I want to be. See ya tomorrow!
On both days I got in 3+ mile very brisk walks (the weather was akin to spring), as well as some weights and an exercise dvd. On both days, I did not stay sugar free, and I ended up overeating. I also discovered pita chips, which I've instructed my brain to forget entirely, because my encounter with them was of the overdoing kind. I'd really not sampled them before, as they seemed wasted calories in that if I was going to eat that kind of highly refined snack item, I figured I might as well go for the simple (and highly coverted) potato chips rather than this "lite weight" snack wannabe.
But in the interest of making better choices, I thought I'd give the "baked not fried" chips a try. Big mistake, as in they were so good I ended up eating the entire bag over course of several hours. One napkin full at a time. Siiigh. That was Saturday. Sunday was a much better day, and though I did eat 4 Keebler cocunut chocolate cookies, I didn't get triggered the way I did the day before.
This all too familiar behavior puts me in mind of what I mentioned last week having read in some OA literature about how the idea of "abstinence" came to be a tool in their program. I'm going to talk about it tomorrow a little, but I'm having a busy enough day at work that I'm going to make this post brief.
I feel embarrassed again about falling off the wagon after a quick 2 day ride on it - but all is certainly not lost. I have my plan for today and I intend to follow it. I know what I'm eating for lunch (soon!) and dinner, so there won't be any fuzzy-brained decisions to make when it's time for meals. I didn't want to out myself here, but I'm committed to doing just that each time. I want to make 2012 a banner year for myself in this long journey to where I want to be. See ya tomorrow!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thank you so much!!
*I have a bad "d" on my keyboard at work suddenly, so if you read stuff that sounds odd, think "missing d". I proofed it carefully but still probably missed a couple of d-errors!*
Hi all - I'm so appreciative for all your suggestions and support...much excellent food for thought. It occurs to me to remark on some of the comments in order to process them more fully and also to report on what I'm already trying to do.
First, though, I pledge honesty. Not cash register honesty - but the kind where I stop BS-ing about where I am with my struggles by casually withholding the real story. Dear Deb said in her comment that she was concerned about my not blogging while claiming to be holding my own and reading others' blogs if not writing in my own. She was right - if I'm not blogging regularly, it's because I have nothing good to report. My claims of "not feeling it" regarding posting on my own blog are classic BS of the Leslie variety. It's been a lifelong issue of trying to hide the truth under something benign and even pleasant. Don't buy it.
That said, the only person who can change that is me. I've worked a solid 12 step program for 20 years, and yet I still struggle with my truth when it ain't pretty. I want to look and sound better than I really feel. That is a pretty worthless endeavor as it affords me nothing and feels like crap when I really want to be "known" and "heard" - which I always want. I'm definitely a work-in-progress - and sometimes the progress is slooooow - thing glacial.
I could totally identify with E.Jane saying that sometimes it seems it would be easier if we didn't have to eat at all! Absolutely - it feels like I have to climb into the arena against my biggest foe at least 3x/day! Eat to live? Not me - every close encounter with food is a potential landmine, depending on my spiritual condition. When I'm in a good place - I'm fine. When I'm not - look out. BUT...I don't always recognize when I'm not until I've consumed a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in a couple hours (and they're not even that good:( )! One of the things I'm working on and really striving to do is slow down and notice even the slightest vapors of food thoughts/binge thoughts when they happen, so I can at least put a pause between the impulse of the thought and the action of the binge.
Shelley's comment was dead on for this addict - reminding me of how I was able to recognize how alcohol affected my body differently many years ago and have abstained from it since. 100%, btw. Why not the same with food? Absolutely - I know full on that I can't eat sugar safely. CANNOT. Yet I keep trying my best to pretend I can - that I can somehow change my basic body chemistry by wishing it to be so.
It occurs to me in writing about this that I hear people talk at AA mtgs often about how they still wish they coul drink, an miss it - even after many years sober. Not me - I've finally gotten to a place where I don't miss it at all. I love being a non-drinking woman and know that I could never drink normally, so I don't bother to fantasize about it. But food is my primary addiction - wooing me from my earliest days (think 3-4 years old). I may not ever stop rueing my body's reaction to sugar an refined carbs, and wishing it was different. But I do know from listening to folks with long term sobriety who still romance the booze that just because I miss it doesn't mean I have to try it again. Easier said than done, but doable.
I also appreciated Karen's suggestions about getting hormones and other biochemistries checked out. I have an appt. with my Gyn. in February, who is very progressive and up to date about hormonal concerns, so I will definitely bring it up with her. She's been gently "suggesting" I drop some pounds for a couple years. Great advice.
Miss April mentioned setting a strict plan for 10 days to sort of reset my body's balance, and I am doing that by following the pretty rigid SB phase 1/Atkins Induction. These extremely low carb plans, while unsustainable over the long haul, are the best way I've found to detox and get myself back on plan. Also she talked of writing out things I CAN eat, rather than the ever popular list of forbidden fruits (no pun intened, r. Atkins), and that's a great idea to keep focused on abundance rather than deprivation.
I'm keeping trigger foods out of the house. Currently my husband and two 20-something boys are at home who know they can buy for themselves whatever junk they want, but I won't be buying it. Fortunately they like much spicier things than I, so their choices generally don't tempt me.
I had a successful day 1 yesterday and feel great about that. I'm reading OA literature for help and suggestions, and just read an interesting piece by the founder of OA talking about how their tool of abstinence came into being. Maybe I'll talk about it here another day.
Oh - and also, it thrills me to pieces that you all comment. When I see that bloggers I consider legendary have read my posts, I'm tickled pink, and so grateful.
Thanks again for the bloggy love, support and suggestions. I cannot do this alone, and I can't do it if I'm not honest about what's going on.
Hi all - I'm so appreciative for all your suggestions and support...much excellent food for thought. It occurs to me to remark on some of the comments in order to process them more fully and also to report on what I'm already trying to do.
First, though, I pledge honesty. Not cash register honesty - but the kind where I stop BS-ing about where I am with my struggles by casually withholding the real story. Dear Deb said in her comment that she was concerned about my not blogging while claiming to be holding my own and reading others' blogs if not writing in my own. She was right - if I'm not blogging regularly, it's because I have nothing good to report. My claims of "not feeling it" regarding posting on my own blog are classic BS of the Leslie variety. It's been a lifelong issue of trying to hide the truth under something benign and even pleasant. Don't buy it.
That said, the only person who can change that is me. I've worked a solid 12 step program for 20 years, and yet I still struggle with my truth when it ain't pretty. I want to look and sound better than I really feel. That is a pretty worthless endeavor as it affords me nothing and feels like crap when I really want to be "known" and "heard" - which I always want. I'm definitely a work-in-progress - and sometimes the progress is slooooow - thing glacial.
I could totally identify with E.Jane saying that sometimes it seems it would be easier if we didn't have to eat at all! Absolutely - it feels like I have to climb into the arena against my biggest foe at least 3x/day! Eat to live? Not me - every close encounter with food is a potential landmine, depending on my spiritual condition. When I'm in a good place - I'm fine. When I'm not - look out. BUT...I don't always recognize when I'm not until I've consumed a sleeve of Chips Ahoy in a couple hours (and they're not even that good:( )! One of the things I'm working on and really striving to do is slow down and notice even the slightest vapors of food thoughts/binge thoughts when they happen, so I can at least put a pause between the impulse of the thought and the action of the binge.
Shelley's comment was dead on for this addict - reminding me of how I was able to recognize how alcohol affected my body differently many years ago and have abstained from it since. 100%, btw. Why not the same with food? Absolutely - I know full on that I can't eat sugar safely. CANNOT. Yet I keep trying my best to pretend I can - that I can somehow change my basic body chemistry by wishing it to be so.
It occurs to me in writing about this that I hear people talk at AA mtgs often about how they still wish they coul drink, an miss it - even after many years sober. Not me - I've finally gotten to a place where I don't miss it at all. I love being a non-drinking woman and know that I could never drink normally, so I don't bother to fantasize about it. But food is my primary addiction - wooing me from my earliest days (think 3-4 years old). I may not ever stop rueing my body's reaction to sugar an refined carbs, and wishing it was different. But I do know from listening to folks with long term sobriety who still romance the booze that just because I miss it doesn't mean I have to try it again. Easier said than done, but doable.
I also appreciated Karen's suggestions about getting hormones and other biochemistries checked out. I have an appt. with my Gyn. in February, who is very progressive and up to date about hormonal concerns, so I will definitely bring it up with her. She's been gently "suggesting" I drop some pounds for a couple years. Great advice.
Miss April mentioned setting a strict plan for 10 days to sort of reset my body's balance, and I am doing that by following the pretty rigid SB phase 1/Atkins Induction. These extremely low carb plans, while unsustainable over the long haul, are the best way I've found to detox and get myself back on plan. Also she talked of writing out things I CAN eat, rather than the ever popular list of forbidden fruits (no pun intened, r. Atkins), and that's a great idea to keep focused on abundance rather than deprivation.
I'm keeping trigger foods out of the house. Currently my husband and two 20-something boys are at home who know they can buy for themselves whatever junk they want, but I won't be buying it. Fortunately they like much spicier things than I, so their choices generally don't tempt me.
I had a successful day 1 yesterday and feel great about that. I'm reading OA literature for help and suggestions, and just read an interesting piece by the founder of OA talking about how their tool of abstinence came into being. Maybe I'll talk about it here another day.
Oh - and also, it thrills me to pieces that you all comment. When I see that bloggers I consider legendary have read my posts, I'm tickled pink, and so grateful.
Thanks again for the bloggy love, support and suggestions. I cannot do this alone, and I can't do it if I'm not honest about what's going on.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The girl who plays with fire
Belate happy new year, all. Belated because my efforts at reining myself back in after holiday overdoing (euphemism for bingeing) have been fraught with self sabotage and struggle. Seems my body has become accustomed to eating whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, and has been in major crave and withdrawal mode. I had one good day on the 2nd, only to fall back down the rabbit hole since. It's (I'm) nuts. I can't claim denial because I'm very aware, and the awareness is not doing much for my self esteem. I'm seeing behaviors and tendencies in myself that are very reminiscent of how I was when I was drinking - not the big things, but subtler things like how I'll go upstairs early after dinner with assorted garbage foods so the family isn't aware. Not good.
Today is it. I'm sick of harming myself, and that's really what I've been doing. Someone with Type 2 diabetes who continues to eat the way I have for the last 2 weeks is playing with fire. HA! I'm the woman who played with fire - not to be confused with The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo whose playing with fire is revealed in the second entry of the trilogy.
As I've said before, this feels bigger than me, and it's a little scary. Watching myself and realizing how my food addiction has progressed from even a year ago tells me all I need to know. What I really hate is how I've said these things countless times before, and yet here I am in 2012 still struggling. There is a solution, and I'm well aware of it. For me, I can't having even one grain of sugar or white flour, because even that small amount can trigger me - mentally if not biochemically. On January 3rd, after my first day of the rest of my life where I did have a clean day, I had oatmeal and put 1 tsp. of Splenda brown sugar mix in it - and within hours I was off to the races. The Splenda Brown has a small amount of real sugar, as opposed to plain Splenda. The sweetness and maple-y taste it gave the oatmeal started me wanting more sweet taste immediately, but I was able to hold off until after work, while obsessing about my craving all day.
So - it's back to low carbing that begins with a mix of South Beach and Atkins' early phases. From years of experience I know that keeping carbs on the lower side works best for me. I avoided oatmeal this morning because I was already thinking about that stupid tiny tsp. of Splenda Brown. Until trying that, I never put anything in my oatmeal but salt - EVER. Man - addiction is a wicked condition/disease, and I have a major case of it.
Please send positive vibes, prayers, or whatever my way - I absolutely can't do this alone. I also need to say that this is not a New Year Resolution - it's the beginning of a health crisis for me that I need to address, or I'm going to end up giving myself insulin one of these days. I believe that doesn't have to happen, but only if I'm willing to go to any lengths to get better. I think, I hope, I'm there.
Today is it. I'm sick of harming myself, and that's really what I've been doing. Someone with Type 2 diabetes who continues to eat the way I have for the last 2 weeks is playing with fire. HA! I'm the woman who played with fire - not to be confused with The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo whose playing with fire is revealed in the second entry of the trilogy.
As I've said before, this feels bigger than me, and it's a little scary. Watching myself and realizing how my food addiction has progressed from even a year ago tells me all I need to know. What I really hate is how I've said these things countless times before, and yet here I am in 2012 still struggling. There is a solution, and I'm well aware of it. For me, I can't having even one grain of sugar or white flour, because even that small amount can trigger me - mentally if not biochemically. On January 3rd, after my first day of the rest of my life where I did have a clean day, I had oatmeal and put 1 tsp. of Splenda brown sugar mix in it - and within hours I was off to the races. The Splenda Brown has a small amount of real sugar, as opposed to plain Splenda. The sweetness and maple-y taste it gave the oatmeal started me wanting more sweet taste immediately, but I was able to hold off until after work, while obsessing about my craving all day.
So - it's back to low carbing that begins with a mix of South Beach and Atkins' early phases. From years of experience I know that keeping carbs on the lower side works best for me. I avoided oatmeal this morning because I was already thinking about that stupid tiny tsp. of Splenda Brown. Until trying that, I never put anything in my oatmeal but salt - EVER. Man - addiction is a wicked condition/disease, and I have a major case of it.
Please send positive vibes, prayers, or whatever my way - I absolutely can't do this alone. I also need to say that this is not a New Year Resolution - it's the beginning of a health crisis for me that I need to address, or I'm going to end up giving myself insulin one of these days. I believe that doesn't have to happen, but only if I'm willing to go to any lengths to get better. I think, I hope, I'm there.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda
Hi friends - Once again I'm starting out with...apologies? laments? excuses?...for not having posted in so long. I offer none of that today - rather I will say that I'm not feeling my own blog right now because I'm not making any real progress on my weight loss goals. I'm maintaining at 208, which isn't where I want to be, but I am lacking the motivation at this less-than-a-week-before-Christmas to get back to carb or calorie counting, journaling, tracking or any of the other good habits I know I must incorporate daily to get back to losing. The one thing I continue to do with no problem is exercise...that's a good thing!
As Stuart Smalley sagely noted in the movie Stuart Saves His Family (which is a hilarious Al Franken movie about a character, originally seen on SNL, who is in 3 different 12 step programs and pokes fun at the whole recovery movement), I'm "shoulding" all over myself these days. But what I'm shoulding on myself about isn't those aforementioned good practices necessary for consistent weight loss. Rather I'm "shoulding" that I "should" feel motivated even though it's the holiday season; that I "should" avoid holiday snacks, treats, and the general feedbag I tie on around this time; that I "should" make a command decision to avoid all the succulent baked goods I whip up every year, for "giving away" as well as for my family (read: mostly me). But my "shoulding" of myself feels obligatory because I'm not really all that twisted up over my weight loss ennui.
As I just reread that paragraph, it sounds as though I'm in a place of despair about where I am right now. Actually, I'm not, and even that is fodder for self "shoulding". I "should" be upset with myself right now because I'm just not going to be strict and restrictive with myself at this point. But I'm simply not upset with myself. I have 2 of my 3 kids home now with the 3rd scheduled to arrive late afternoon on Wednesday. The kids are good; hubby and I are good; my job is bothering me less than usual; I love my friends and feel loved by them. I don't love my weight, but it's been a lot worse. I'm not eating with reckless abandon, because trust me that if I was - I'd not be weighing a lithe 208! I'm feeling content in the present moment. A glance into the near future assures me that I DO desire to resume my tried and true weight loss behaviors - but not 6 days before Christmas.
This sounds like a long apologetic masquerading as an excuse to put off resuming REAL weight loss effort until January 2, and maybe it is. But it's the truth right now, and I guess that's why I'm not blogging much - no fantastic success to report. Or even average success. I miss blogging more regularly, though I'm reading the same blogs I have been for several years, plus a few new ones. I know I'm not alone where I am now, but I also see that when I read blogs where people are floundering and feel a touch of sadness for or judgement of them - I'm experiencing those same emotions for myself.
So - things are good except my weight. I plan to hit the ground running January 2, or maybe even first, and I hope to not put on any more pounds prior that have to be lost before I can hopefully begin my final trip down below the 2nd century in Onederland. And when the spirit moves me to just say no to a tray of cookies being passed under my nose - believe me I will say that no and be grateful. But eventually, if I really want what I profess to want - to lose 50 pounds - things will have to change substantially. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the family, my friends and the season, and keep reading here even if I'm not posting regularly. It feels like I have a revamping building inside me - but at a glacial pace.
In case I don't post again before the 25th, I wish everyone a Merry, or a Happy, or a Blessed whatever it is for which you feel gratitude and find peace in these last days of 2011. We really should endeavor to count blessings and take note of all for which there is to be grateful. Healthy shoulding at its best!
As Stuart Smalley sagely noted in the movie Stuart Saves His Family (which is a hilarious Al Franken movie about a character, originally seen on SNL, who is in 3 different 12 step programs and pokes fun at the whole recovery movement), I'm "shoulding" all over myself these days. But what I'm shoulding on myself about isn't those aforementioned good practices necessary for consistent weight loss. Rather I'm "shoulding" that I "should" feel motivated even though it's the holiday season; that I "should" avoid holiday snacks, treats, and the general feedbag I tie on around this time; that I "should" make a command decision to avoid all the succulent baked goods I whip up every year, for "giving away" as well as for my family (read: mostly me). But my "shoulding" of myself feels obligatory because I'm not really all that twisted up over my weight loss ennui.
As I just reread that paragraph, it sounds as though I'm in a place of despair about where I am right now. Actually, I'm not, and even that is fodder for self "shoulding". I "should" be upset with myself right now because I'm just not going to be strict and restrictive with myself at this point. But I'm simply not upset with myself. I have 2 of my 3 kids home now with the 3rd scheduled to arrive late afternoon on Wednesday. The kids are good; hubby and I are good; my job is bothering me less than usual; I love my friends and feel loved by them. I don't love my weight, but it's been a lot worse. I'm not eating with reckless abandon, because trust me that if I was - I'd not be weighing a lithe 208! I'm feeling content in the present moment. A glance into the near future assures me that I DO desire to resume my tried and true weight loss behaviors - but not 6 days before Christmas.
This sounds like a long apologetic masquerading as an excuse to put off resuming REAL weight loss effort until January 2, and maybe it is. But it's the truth right now, and I guess that's why I'm not blogging much - no fantastic success to report. Or even average success. I miss blogging more regularly, though I'm reading the same blogs I have been for several years, plus a few new ones. I know I'm not alone where I am now, but I also see that when I read blogs where people are floundering and feel a touch of sadness for or judgement of them - I'm experiencing those same emotions for myself.
So - things are good except my weight. I plan to hit the ground running January 2, or maybe even first, and I hope to not put on any more pounds prior that have to be lost before I can hopefully begin my final trip down below the 2nd century in Onederland. And when the spirit moves me to just say no to a tray of cookies being passed under my nose - believe me I will say that no and be grateful. But eventually, if I really want what I profess to want - to lose 50 pounds - things will have to change substantially. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the family, my friends and the season, and keep reading here even if I'm not posting regularly. It feels like I have a revamping building inside me - but at a glacial pace.
In case I don't post again before the 25th, I wish everyone a Merry, or a Happy, or a Blessed whatever it is for which you feel gratitude and find peace in these last days of 2011. We really should endeavor to count blessings and take note of all for which there is to be grateful. Healthy shoulding at its best!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Low carb = Low crabbiness
Best day of the week...FRIDAY
Best time of the best day...as I'm walking through the parking lot to my car to drive away from the grind. Only about 2 hours away from the collision of these bests and I'm ready. My job has gotten busier and busier, and I'm actually called to be a REAL NURSE more often than I used to be! I guess that is equivalent to job security, so I'm not complaining - but weekends are simply divine. So are week and a half breaks for holidays, which will be coming up soon, and helps remind me I'm not as real of a nurse as I used to be when I worked many holidays in hospitals. I feel immensely fortunate to have a M-F work week, and the cushy hours of 8:30-3:30.
Work isn't the only reason I've been out of pocket - actually I've been in pocket, but out of my blogging routine, as has been the case for quite awhile. I'm not feeling the blog as much these days, but I am feeling - and reading - my favorite blogs, and commenting frequently. I've been in a knitting frenzy - making socks for Christmas gifts, and a reading frenzy as well. Where I used to blog as my main method for goofing off at work, I'm now doing either of the above, or playing Words With Friends with friends. And my 2 daily crossword puzzles are as essential to my well being as my morning coffee.
Anyway - I'm doing well with low-carbing. I've been taking a day off about every 6th day, but my overall yield is apparently okay as I'm down to 204. Or it was, before I decided to take a day off yesterday and went rather overboard. Hmmm, can you spell d-e-e-p-e-n-d-e-d it? Today I'm back on trying to stay at 25 carbs for the day to set the ketosis back into play.
Low carb eating really suits me - everytime I really do it for awhile, I see that it is the best plan for me. For one thing, I don't have to count calories, and unless I'm being ultra strict, like today, I don't even count carbs. I know what I can and can't eat to keep my body in the fat-burning mode afforded by low carb eating. Think liberal Atkins Induction or Phase 1 South Beach - I have monster salads with blue cheese, avocado, bacon bits, olives and the olive oil for dsg with a little of the green olive juice instead of vinegar (though I like vinegar but this is a bit more...er, salty), and by not eating junky carbs I don't retain water at all. It's going well for now. I make no promises of not indulging in some forbidden fruit (no pun intended as it won't be fruit!) at Christmas, but I truly don't feel deprived, or even hungry that often, on this plan. Why oh why do I stray? Oh yeah, I'm an addict.
I actually rejoined my cadillac gym, dubbed as such by me due to the ridiculous monthly fee, on a month to month basis rather than an annual contract. It's actually more expensive that way, but if I start NOT using it, I don't have to wait until the contract expires. I plan to use it through the winter, esp. when there is snow and/or ice on the ground, because this gal will not be taking chances walking on icy patches after a serious fall last year where I sustained a nasty head injury. Thankfully it was mainly a huge hematoma (about the size of 1/2 an orange on the back of my head where I hit), but it scared the sh*t out of me. So indoor walking and jogging for me this year.
I'm thrilled to pieces that all 3 of my kids will be home for the holidays. We haven't been together for 2 years (besides briefly at a weekend wedding in Kentucky last June, but Jean was in the wedding so we really didn't get to just hang out in our little nuclear nest), so it should be great. It'll also be busy and chaotic, as all 3 will likely have boy/girl friends coming for short stints, as well as just friends. This weekend I'm going to get the decorations going. I'm holding off on baking for obvious reasons - for at least another week. It's hard to resist the plethora of homebaked stuff. Especially cookies. I'm a cookie freak - always have been. Would take quality cookies over cake or pie anytime.
That's it for now. I wanted to post, but there is a mondo salad staring at me, screaming to be eaten. So off I go. Have a great weekend.
Best time of the best day...as I'm walking through the parking lot to my car to drive away from the grind. Only about 2 hours away from the collision of these bests and I'm ready. My job has gotten busier and busier, and I'm actually called to be a REAL NURSE more often than I used to be! I guess that is equivalent to job security, so I'm not complaining - but weekends are simply divine. So are week and a half breaks for holidays, which will be coming up soon, and helps remind me I'm not as real of a nurse as I used to be when I worked many holidays in hospitals. I feel immensely fortunate to have a M-F work week, and the cushy hours of 8:30-3:30.
Work isn't the only reason I've been out of pocket - actually I've been in pocket, but out of my blogging routine, as has been the case for quite awhile. I'm not feeling the blog as much these days, but I am feeling - and reading - my favorite blogs, and commenting frequently. I've been in a knitting frenzy - making socks for Christmas gifts, and a reading frenzy as well. Where I used to blog as my main method for goofing off at work, I'm now doing either of the above, or playing Words With Friends with friends. And my 2 daily crossword puzzles are as essential to my well being as my morning coffee.
Anyway - I'm doing well with low-carbing. I've been taking a day off about every 6th day, but my overall yield is apparently okay as I'm down to 204. Or it was, before I decided to take a day off yesterday and went rather overboard. Hmmm, can you spell d-e-e-p-e-n-d-e-d it? Today I'm back on trying to stay at 25 carbs for the day to set the ketosis back into play.
Low carb eating really suits me - everytime I really do it for awhile, I see that it is the best plan for me. For one thing, I don't have to count calories, and unless I'm being ultra strict, like today, I don't even count carbs. I know what I can and can't eat to keep my body in the fat-burning mode afforded by low carb eating. Think liberal Atkins Induction or Phase 1 South Beach - I have monster salads with blue cheese, avocado, bacon bits, olives and the olive oil for dsg with a little of the green olive juice instead of vinegar (though I like vinegar but this is a bit more...er, salty), and by not eating junky carbs I don't retain water at all. It's going well for now. I make no promises of not indulging in some forbidden fruit (no pun intended as it won't be fruit!) at Christmas, but I truly don't feel deprived, or even hungry that often, on this plan. Why oh why do I stray? Oh yeah, I'm an addict.
I actually rejoined my cadillac gym, dubbed as such by me due to the ridiculous monthly fee, on a month to month basis rather than an annual contract. It's actually more expensive that way, but if I start NOT using it, I don't have to wait until the contract expires. I plan to use it through the winter, esp. when there is snow and/or ice on the ground, because this gal will not be taking chances walking on icy patches after a serious fall last year where I sustained a nasty head injury. Thankfully it was mainly a huge hematoma (about the size of 1/2 an orange on the back of my head where I hit), but it scared the sh*t out of me. So indoor walking and jogging for me this year.
I'm thrilled to pieces that all 3 of my kids will be home for the holidays. We haven't been together for 2 years (besides briefly at a weekend wedding in Kentucky last June, but Jean was in the wedding so we really didn't get to just hang out in our little nuclear nest), so it should be great. It'll also be busy and chaotic, as all 3 will likely have boy/girl friends coming for short stints, as well as just friends. This weekend I'm going to get the decorations going. I'm holding off on baking for obvious reasons - for at least another week. It's hard to resist the plethora of homebaked stuff. Especially cookies. I'm a cookie freak - always have been. Would take quality cookies over cake or pie anytime.
That's it for now. I wanted to post, but there is a mondo salad staring at me, screaming to be eaten. So off I go. Have a great weekend.
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