First the truth on the tuna talley: By far the respondents to the very serious question of whether pouch or canned tuna tastes better...drumroll please....Tuna In A Pouch. DareIsay I told you so;-)
I noticed something rather revolting today...in a good way, if that's possible. Or about a good thing?
I got on the scale and was pleased with what it said. Also a little surprised. I'll post an official weight on Friday, but like many other sneaky bloggers, I do jump on that would-be fortune teller most mornings, just to keep it real and not let a bad trend go too far. When I saw the more-pleasing-than-I-expected number, I did a double take. I even stepped off and back on and shifted around to see if it's verdict would change, being ever the suspicious gal. But it held it's ground and my weight.
I quickly showered and coiffed (don't you love that archaic word?), put my lunch together and headed out to the 7 a.m. meeting I go to before work. I stopped in Starbucks (because someone had given me a card) and was having chatty little upbeat conversations with people (strangers inc. the Barista), totally enjoying myself and "working the room". While adding milk to my coffee, it dawned on me...I was feeling extra happy, outgoing and expansive because the SCALE GOD rained good tidings on me a half hour earlier. UGH. I know that if I'd gained or in general didn't like the too important number, I'd have been quiet and self-contained at best, or crabby at worst. Me thinks the scale should not have that kind of power. Actually me knows it.
I guess recognizing it is something - a little progress and awareness of how the whole food/weight issue is out of proportion in my life. I don't want it to be that way. I want freedom and peace from the endless dominance that my eating disordered mind has over how I regard myself. I think I want that as much or more than I want to be lean.
On to another observation - at the same time I was pouring the aforementioned milk into my coffee, a guy next to me took the lid off his cup and poured a good ounce or more into the trash to make more room for his dairy product of choice. He looked at me and shrugged sheepishly, and I speculated to him that they probably had a huge urn worth of coffee poured in over the course of the day. And it occurred to me that maybe it's only in America where we pay premium bucks for coffee, only to pour some into the trash to make room for milk! I've done it a zillion times, even when I've asked for "room at the top", if it wasn't roomy enough.
That profound thought thread got me thinking about a couple of questions for fellow bloggers today:
1) If you drink coffee or tea, does your "food plan" or "diet" dictate whether you use skim, whole or 1/2 & 1/2 in your brew? Or do you use whatever you like best regardless of the fat %? I vary depending on the day. Usually I use whole milk in coffee only. I never EVER drink milk as I hate it alone. On the rare occasions that I have dry cereal, I use exactly 1 ounce (a medicine cup full) of 1%. For the milk drinkers at home, I get 1% and they are happy with it. When my daughter was home at Christmas, hubby made the grave mistake of getting whole milk and she carried on as if he'd bought battery acid. Glad I was innocent on that one!
2) Do you "count" the dairy/soy/whatever lightener you use in your daily intake, or leave it out as insignificant or not enough to worry about? I do not count coffee dairy as I don't use much at all.
3) In general, are there things you may have every day, like a few hard candies, gum or other little stuff that you don't count? (Someone else posed this question many months back and I don't remember what people said...it was when I first started blogging.) See #2. Also, I don't count gum or the occasional Root Beer Barrel or Butterscotch. If I have more than one, I do count it. Normally this wouldn't come to mind except someone gave me a bag of gourmet root beer barrels, so I've had recent exposure to this complex issue...tongue inserted into cheek.
4) Do you have a standard "default" breakfast that is mostly a daily thing? Mine is 1 cup Trader Joe's non-fat Greek yogurt (22 gms of protein!), with 1 cup berries, plus 2 hardboiled eggs minus one yolk with a 1/2 cup of 1% cottage cheese and yellow mustard mixed in. Makes it taste like egg salad. If I didn't get out of the house so early for my AA meeting, I'd mix up breakfast a lot more. But this is fast and easy. for 2 years it was the yogurt, fruit and 1/2 cup oatmeal, but I definitely OD'd on the oatmeal. Now I can only eat steel cut, which takes too long for weekday mornings. Weekends there is much more variety, and I eat b'fast out at least one of the 2 days.
5) Any favorite b'fast food you limit? Bacon! I LOVE BACON. Uber crisp but not burned. I have it once a week. It is one of the true pleasures in life. I read a survey asking vegetarians what they missed most, and bacon topped the list!
That's all from me today. I'm still happy about the scale, but if I don't watch my p's and q's, I might not be. SO here's to a good sane healthy day for us all!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday topics
I'm keeping things light and breezey today, just like the beautiful weather we're experiencing after a week of high heat and humidity. Seems I have mainly random and unrelated issues percolating in the old bean, so will just float down the stream of consciousness.
Item 1 - How do you delete comments? Yesterday, Karen at Waisting Time left a perfectly lovely comment on my post, and blogger managed to vomit out her comment not one, but 4 times! She noted it and told me to feel free to delete the "extras", but I had no idea how to do it, and a journey through the bowels of blogger revealed no hints. I know I'm very low on the blogger IQ scale, but it seems there should be an easy way to do that. I was happy to have Karen's comment 4 times, but if someone had commented that I was a big stupid poopy face (like my 21 y/o son loves to call me), I'd want to be able to jettison the comment into outer space. Any hints welcome!
Item 2 - At the risk of being harangued by people more tree-huggy than I (I'm pretty crunchy but convenience and pet peeves occasionally guide my choices of product use more than does the size of my carbon footprint) , I confess to having become a user of tuna that comes in pouches over cans. The pouches are not recyclable, and I'm sorry about that but there are serious and valid reasons for my choice. a) the tuna tastes better, fresher and moister in pounches, and b) I HATE little cans where sizeable amounts of fancy white albacore can get lodged under rims and have to be coaxed out with fork or fingers. Also, the cans require a can opener, unless they are the kind where the top pulls off which renders one's fingers in grave danger of requiring stitches to stop the bleeding. I know. It happened to me on a can of Brunswick Stew.
My question for you is: Have you food loving bloggers found pouch tuna different than canned? A friend suggested that I am perhaps delusional in this assessment so I decided to survey the massesto prove her wrong in pursuit of tuna truth.
Item 3 - Regarding word verification in blogger - do you love it, hate it, know you can disenable it by going to settings? And are you ever entirely amused by the almost-word that you are required to type in order to leave a comment?
Finally, I've finished reading this book I spoke about a couple of weeks ago. I definitely recommend it for people who feel their weight issues are more than a lifetime of bad choices...i.e. addiction or eating disordered. The girl who wrote the main text of the book is recovering from a bingeing and purging eating disorder (bulimia), so usually when she was struggling with the entity of her eating disorder, it was in a way of not wanting to eat at all rather than continual struggles with bingeing and emotional eating, though she did have her issues with bingeing. The strategies this gal found through group and individual therapy for dealing with the "voice of the disease" were really excellent. I've been able to employ them in my own struggles since reading the book. At the end of each chapter written by the author is a small section written by her therapist, suggesting exercises and techniques for dealing with the behaviors and symptoms of the eating disorder when they present. This author has a new book out called "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me", about her life in solid recovery, whereas the first book is about lengthy process of finding recovery by separating (divorcing) from Ed, her Eating disorder. I haven't read the new one yet but will when I can get it either at a library or used on Amazon.
The main premise put forth is to come to view your eating disorder (if you think you have one) as a separate being from yourself. Working on severing the relationship between the eating disorder and oneself is the goal of the strategies set forth by the therapist and author. The book is well written, funny, real and honest. And full of hope.
Yesterday was a good day. I got a long walk in but wasn't able to get to the pool because of car issues with my son and hubby. I had my 2 hot dogs at the strawberry festival and NOTHING ELSE! I looked forward to those nitrate-ridden charred-to-black-in-places bad boys all day and they didn't disappoint. I also worked at the used books sale for an hour and managed to pick up 8 books I hadn't read - including The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand. That ought to keep me busy for a few months! Or years, knowing me! Have a good Tuesday, all.
Item 1 - How do you delete comments? Yesterday, Karen at Waisting Time left a perfectly lovely comment on my post, and blogger managed to vomit out her comment not one, but 4 times! She noted it and told me to feel free to delete the "extras", but I had no idea how to do it, and a journey through the bowels of blogger revealed no hints. I know I'm very low on the blogger IQ scale, but it seems there should be an easy way to do that. I was happy to have Karen's comment 4 times, but if someone had commented that I was a big stupid poopy face (like my 21 y/o son loves to call me), I'd want to be able to jettison the comment into outer space. Any hints welcome!
My question for you is: Have you food loving bloggers found pouch tuna different than canned? A friend suggested that I am perhaps delusional in this assessment so I decided to survey the masses
Item 3 - Regarding word verification in blogger - do you love it, hate it, know you can disenable it by going to settings? And are you ever entirely amused by the almost-word that you are required to type in order to leave a comment?
The main premise put forth is to come to view your eating disorder (if you think you have one) as a separate being from yourself. Working on severing the relationship between the eating disorder and oneself is the goal of the strategies set forth by the therapist and author. The book is well written, funny, real and honest. And full of hope.
Yesterday was a good day. I got a long walk in but wasn't able to get to the pool because of car issues with my son and hubby. I had my 2 hot dogs at the strawberry festival and NOTHING ELSE! I looked forward to those nitrate-ridden charred-to-black-in-places bad boys all day and they didn't disappoint. I also worked at the used books sale for an hour and managed to pick up 8 books I hadn't read - including The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand. That ought to keep me busy for a few months! Or years, knowing me! Have a good Tuesday, all.
Monday, June 7, 2010
A rich and full Monday
The weekend was a healthy and sane one overall for me. Eating was imperfect Saturday but okay, and Sunday was pretty good. My weight this morning was acceptable and positive and tells me I'm hanging in there pretty well and snail-pacing in the direction I desire to go - which is DOWN. And I just found out that I won one of Helen's giveaway items...a copy of South Beach Supercharged, which thrills me no end! I could've won a copy of "Changing Tires for Fun and Recreation" and been happy as I've never been one to win stuff. But I know I'll find some good recipes and interesting inspiring reading in SBS. Thanks Helen!
I mentioned yesterday that I had friends coming over to watch The Blind Side and have a healthy lunch...we had a great time and really loved the movie. What a completely uplifting movie - funny, serious, thought provoking, poignant. And the food was great...tuna salad and a big tossed salad with some Sesame Semolina bread from Panera. One of the friends brought a half of a bar of dark chocolate from Trader Joe's that we each had 2 squares of for dessert. It was great, because it wasn't too sweet, but was rich and creamy and totally satisfied without setting up a craving for more. And since there wasn't any more, that worked out well. I've been known to hit the Wawa, our local convenience store, to extend a sweet fest that has threatened to peter out due to running out of resources, shall we say. But this not too sweet dark variety did not compel me to want/need/desperatelyseek more.
I found out yesterday that the 56 y/o father of one of my son's good friends died suddenly while biking in Valley Forge State Park with one of his sons (the one with whom my son is good buds). Apparently he had a massive heart attack, and paramedics were never able to get him back at all. The 23 y/o son who was with him must have tried CPR and everything he possibily could until EMTs got there, and I've been so sad, shocked and upset since hearing about this, esp. how excrutiating it must have been for his son to witness whatever he did and not being able to change the course of events. This dad was one of the good guys - soft spoken, a Boy Scout leader (both his sons were Eagle scouts), great husband, in good health. Always a person who did the next right thing, including taking care of himself. His only risk factor was family history of heart disease, which played a role in how he cared for himself and his family. A huge shock, an event that seemed impossible, and now the lives of his loved ones are inextricably altered.
What a perspective jolt this kind of tragedy brings. My husband went to a Phillies game a couple of weeks ago with this man and a couple of other guys, and recalled that while they were in the car, the subject of someone dying in their late 40s in much the same manner was mentioned. The same fellow who just passed away on Saturday remarked, "It just reminds us to live each day as though it was our last." It's so easy to glibly arrive at that conclusion. Almost trite. And then tragedy hits closer to home and that notion of living each day fully becomes one of the only comforting thoughts I can find to navigate the immense sadness. It truly makes me want to live more boldly, extending more care and love and service outward. I feel compelled to it, but I also know that as the days pass, the wisdom and urgency of the call to live each day as though it is my last will dilute as my own life continues to unfold with the mini-dramas, joys, pain, struggles, and busyness of daily life.
Those thoughts bring me rather tidily to something I referred to yesterday that had given me food for thought. Chris from A Deliberate Life had commented to my Friday post about working my food plan one day at a time. It was short so I'm going to repeat it:
"It is a one day a time thing...but those one days turn into weeks and weeks to months and months to years...as anyone past thirty knows...the years go and go and go...fast. Go all in."
Having been a "one day at a timer" for many years in AA, I've heard that before a zillion times. But when I read Chris' comment Saturday morning (before our friend's death), it struck me with a new awareness; that each one day at a time is a single unit of the many days we are given to live our lives for however long they last. I'm not doing what I do today at point A so I'll get to point Z eventually and then begin to REALLY live the way I want to. I need to make it count today, and if possible, make it count with joy and gratitude that I'm still able to look up and observe a clear blue sky as backdrop for amazing trees, rooftops, birds moving through. Make it count by loving who I love and letting them know it. Make it count by eating, moving and living today the way I want to. And if I don't, not take it too seriously... but seriously enough to remember that this isn't a dress rehearsal.
For example: I made the URL of this blog "willswimagain", because it's been my deepest desire to get back into the water and be nurtured and restored by it's properties. I've resisted for years because I've felt too fat to get into a bathing suitor even to live at times, and have done so a handful of times only since starting this blog; still with trepidation, dread and shame. The crazy judgement and mindset this represents really screams at me when I think of it with different perspective.
I suspect that my friend who died this weekend while biking with his son would have found that an acceptable way to go...doing something he loved, with someone he loved (minus the trauma that his son likely endured in witnessing the event, of course). But having been fully in connection with his son, with his body and its physical abilities, and with himself.
When AA was in its early years, the founders were forever deliberating over things like who to allow in to the fellowship, what they had to believe, rules, regulations or lack thereof...all kinds of human ego-driven stuff. Eventually they arrived at what is now know as Rule 62 - Don't take yourself too seriously. That referred to AA as a whole, but also to individuals. Thus another of the endless paradoxes of life - don't take ourselves too seriously, but recognize that there is no "big show" that we're heading for. Life is the big show. If I want to be lean, healthy and strong, I live lean, healthy and strong today. Not when I finally get there.
That said, I AM going swimming when I get off work, and I AM going to languish in and relish the feel of the water surrounding and moving over every molecule of my body. Then to my church's Strawberry Festival which is an annual BIG FUN DEAL in our community. I will eat 2 charred hot dogs from the grill, on buns, with yellow mustard and chopped onion. Also some unsweetened strawberries. And that will be dinner and the end of my eating for the day. It's going to be a good day - I feel it in every cell of my being!
I mentioned yesterday that I had friends coming over to watch The Blind Side and have a healthy lunch...we had a great time and really loved the movie. What a completely uplifting movie - funny, serious, thought provoking, poignant. And the food was great...tuna salad and a big tossed salad with some Sesame Semolina bread from Panera. One of the friends brought a half of a bar of dark chocolate from Trader Joe's that we each had 2 squares of for dessert. It was great, because it wasn't too sweet, but was rich and creamy and totally satisfied without setting up a craving for more. And since there wasn't any more, that worked out well. I've been known to hit the Wawa, our local convenience store, to extend a sweet fest that has threatened to peter out due to running out of resources, shall we say. But this not too sweet dark variety did not compel me to want/need/desperatelyseek more.
I found out yesterday that the 56 y/o father of one of my son's good friends died suddenly while biking in Valley Forge State Park with one of his sons (the one with whom my son is good buds). Apparently he had a massive heart attack, and paramedics were never able to get him back at all. The 23 y/o son who was with him must have tried CPR and everything he possibily could until EMTs got there, and I've been so sad, shocked and upset since hearing about this, esp. how excrutiating it must have been for his son to witness whatever he did and not being able to change the course of events. This dad was one of the good guys - soft spoken, a Boy Scout leader (both his sons were Eagle scouts), great husband, in good health. Always a person who did the next right thing, including taking care of himself. His only risk factor was family history of heart disease, which played a role in how he cared for himself and his family. A huge shock, an event that seemed impossible, and now the lives of his loved ones are inextricably altered.
What a perspective jolt this kind of tragedy brings. My husband went to a Phillies game a couple of weeks ago with this man and a couple of other guys, and recalled that while they were in the car, the subject of someone dying in their late 40s in much the same manner was mentioned. The same fellow who just passed away on Saturday remarked, "It just reminds us to live each day as though it was our last." It's so easy to glibly arrive at that conclusion. Almost trite. And then tragedy hits closer to home and that notion of living each day fully becomes one of the only comforting thoughts I can find to navigate the immense sadness. It truly makes me want to live more boldly, extending more care and love and service outward. I feel compelled to it, but I also know that as the days pass, the wisdom and urgency of the call to live each day as though it is my last will dilute as my own life continues to unfold with the mini-dramas, joys, pain, struggles, and busyness of daily life.
Those thoughts bring me rather tidily to something I referred to yesterday that had given me food for thought. Chris from A Deliberate Life had commented to my Friday post about working my food plan one day at a time. It was short so I'm going to repeat it:
"It is a one day a time thing...but those one days turn into weeks and weeks to months and months to years...as anyone past thirty knows...the years go and go and go...fast. Go all in."
Having been a "one day at a timer" for many years in AA, I've heard that before a zillion times. But when I read Chris' comment Saturday morning (before our friend's death), it struck me with a new awareness; that each one day at a time is a single unit of the many days we are given to live our lives for however long they last. I'm not doing what I do today at point A so I'll get to point Z eventually and then begin to REALLY live the way I want to. I need to make it count today, and if possible, make it count with joy and gratitude that I'm still able to look up and observe a clear blue sky as backdrop for amazing trees, rooftops, birds moving through. Make it count by loving who I love and letting them know it. Make it count by eating, moving and living today the way I want to. And if I don't, not take it too seriously... but seriously enough to remember that this isn't a dress rehearsal.
For example: I made the URL of this blog "willswimagain", because it's been my deepest desire to get back into the water and be nurtured and restored by it's properties. I've resisted for years because I've felt too fat to get into a bathing suit
I suspect that my friend who died this weekend while biking with his son would have found that an acceptable way to go...doing something he loved, with someone he loved (minus the trauma that his son likely endured in witnessing the event, of course). But having been fully in connection with his son, with his body and its physical abilities, and with himself.
When AA was in its early years, the founders were forever deliberating over things like who to allow in to the fellowship, what they had to believe, rules, regulations or lack thereof...all kinds of human ego-driven stuff. Eventually they arrived at what is now know as Rule 62 - Don't take yourself too seriously. That referred to AA as a whole, but also to individuals. Thus another of the endless paradoxes of life - don't take ourselves too seriously, but recognize that there is no "big show" that we're heading for. Life is the big show. If I want to be lean, healthy and strong, I live lean, healthy and strong today. Not when I finally get there.
That said, I AM going swimming when I get off work, and I AM going to languish in and relish the feel of the water surrounding and moving over every molecule of my body. Then to my church's Strawberry Festival which is an annual BIG FUN DEAL in our community. I will eat 2 charred hot dogs from the grill, on buns, with yellow mustard and chopped onion. Also some unsweetened strawberries. And that will be dinner and the end of my eating for the day. It's going to be a good day - I feel it in every cell of my being!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Fast Sunday post
I wasn't going to miss a weekend post but yesterday got so busy and filled with activity I never got around to it. Following up my vow for Friday to stay on track with no bingeing and clean eating for a 3rd day...did it. Yesterday I ended up having ice cream and some vegetable crackers, plus a cheese steak for dinner. So not day 4 of total clean eating but not bad either. And I walked about 4 1/2 miles, which felt great.
I just read Chris' post where she talked about going at this 100 percent and it really spoke to me. I so often slack on weekends and cave to treats and occasions that don't present Monday through Friday. I want to stop doing that, and I think I'm going to add that piece to my 101 Days of Summer Challenge goals...to not loosen up over the weekends. It really sets me back each week, even when I'm doing well as I did this past week. When I update with Biz about the challenge, I'm going to add that to my list of goals. Another vow.
The aforementioned Chris left a comment on my Friday post that was excellent and gave me a lot of food for thought, generating some insights and little aha moments. I'll talk about that tomorrow when I'm back in my regular blogging routine. I have to cut this way short because some friends are coming over in 20 minutes and we're going towatch The Blind Side which none of us have seen yet. I fixed a big salad and tuna salad, so the eating will be healthy and sane.
Finally, I will have a clean eating day today and report it tomorrow. And that means I'll report if it is a clean day or I stumble. But I'm expecting, planning and intending for it to be the clean sane food day I want. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
I just read Chris' post where she talked about going at this 100 percent and it really spoke to me. I so often slack on weekends and cave to treats and occasions that don't present Monday through Friday. I want to stop doing that, and I think I'm going to add that piece to my 101 Days of Summer Challenge goals...to not loosen up over the weekends. It really sets me back each week, even when I'm doing well as I did this past week. When I update with Biz about the challenge, I'm going to add that to my list of goals. Another vow.
The aforementioned Chris left a comment on my Friday post that was excellent and gave me a lot of food for thought, generating some insights and little aha moments. I'll talk about that tomorrow when I'm back in my regular blogging routine. I have to cut this way short because some friends are coming over in 20 minutes and we're going towatch The Blind Side which none of us have seen yet. I fixed a big salad and tuna salad, so the eating will be healthy and sane.
Finally, I will have a clean eating day today and report it tomorrow. And that means I'll report if it is a clean day or I stumble. But I'm expecting, planning and intending for it to be the clean sane food day I want. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Going to any lengths, and widths, and breadths
First - the best news which is that I got a second consecutive day of sane eating! No bingeing at all. It was on my mind to eat yesterday afternoon, but I kept thinking about what I'd posted, my promise, and that it was only for yesterday. I pondered the pantry which is full of items that my son and husband enjoy in a sane and moderate manner, which baffles the hell out of me, btw. Then again, so does "a glass of wine", but I digress. I fantasized about one handful of this, one piece of that. Visualized the pantry shelves in their abundance.
I stated truth to myself . "Whatever you eat will not be enough. It WILL lead to more." And the self agreed, grudgingly.
"Self", said I, "You are only committed to today. If you want to eat all that isn't nailed down in your house and the local convenience stores, you can do it tomorrow. You will not die if you abstain for the rest of today, eating only your planned meal. You may cry, sigh, shake, quake, obsess, rage, ruminate. But you won't die or be negatively affected in any physical sense." I'm not kidding, I really had to have that talk with myself.
And I got through the day! And woke up with the distinct ABSENCE OF REGRET and NO REMORSE. That's beautiful stuff.
Second - my weight this morning was 205.6. Don't love it, but love it better than what it was Monday. Several pounds better, if you wanna know. It is my starting weight for the 101 Days of Summer Challenge.
One of my 2 goals for that challenge is to lose 10 pounds. So by Labor Day, 195 is where I want to be. I'll accept lower, but no higher, including the .6 lbs of spare change. I know myself and my body. If I do what I'm supposed to do, I can achieve this and more. I'll be updating Biz regarding the challenge tomorrow, as per her terms!
Third - this part is hard. Very hard. I vowed to post a pic. Hubby took pics this morning and they seriously depressed me. In the big reveal, I'm going to show what I posted back in early January. The clothes I wore then were better because they were tight fitting - esp. the pants. As awful as the shots were, I was somewhat "contained".
Some simple detective work back to January 2010 shows I weighed about 202 in these pictures, so I'm essentially unchanged. However, in keeping with my committment to accountability and truth telling, I'm posting the least horrific pics from this morning. God help me!!
I stated truth to myself . "Whatever you eat will not be enough. It WILL lead to more." And the self agreed, grudgingly.
"Self", said I, "You are only committed to today. If you want to eat all that isn't nailed down in your house and the local convenience stores, you can do it tomorrow. You will not die if you abstain for the rest of today, eating only your planned meal. You may cry, sigh, shake, quake, obsess, rage, ruminate. But you won't die or be negatively affected in any physical sense." I'm not kidding, I really had to have that talk with myself.
And I got through the day! And woke up with the distinct ABSENCE OF REGRET and NO REMORSE. That's beautiful stuff.
Second - my weight this morning was 205.6. Don't love it, but love it better than what it was Monday. Several pounds better, if you wanna know. It is my starting weight for the 101 Days of Summer Challenge.
One of my 2 goals for that challenge is to lose 10 pounds. So by Labor Day, 195 is where I want to be. I'll accept lower, but no higher, including the .6 lbs of spare change. I know myself and my body. If I do what I'm supposed to do, I can achieve this and more. I'll be updating Biz regarding the challenge tomorrow, as per her terms!
Third - this part is hard. Very hard. I vowed to post a pic. Hubby took pics this morning and they seriously depressed me. In the big reveal, I'm going to show what I posted back in early January. The clothes I wore then were better because they were tight fitting - esp. the pants. As awful as the shots were, I was somewhat "contained".
Man! Girl friend needs a better bra, and I do have one btw! Abs of silly putty. Jillian would kick me to China and back.
This is the one (abvoe) that really plummetted my spirits into the crapper. How surreal is it that the shirt I'm wearing is the one I got for walking a half marathon in Atlanta in March of 2008. It used to slide down over my hips. I got one pic with it pulled over my hips, and my last shred of vanity prohibits that one making the big reveal. All I can say is that if I have the guts to put these pictures up, surely I can summon the oooomph and fortitude to start working HARD and PERSISTENTLY towards better pictures by Labor Day!
It looks a little better when covered by a work tee-shirt! That's the dog's rear end, btw.
Please don't hate me because I'm fat and lumpy. I absolutely positively know you don't, but I simply couldn't refrain from saying that. One thing for sure, there is work to be done, and I can do it. I don't just want to get back to the lowest I've been since last June, 192.2. I want to get into the 180s and on down. It'll sure be nice to have "after" pics I'm proud of...'cuz these are
Okay - Now for some reason I can't get the cursor to go back to the left margin, so the rest of this post will be centered, I guess.
One thing I have to mention that I posted about back in the earliest days of my blog when readers stayed away in droves...that I used to be a pear shaped woman. And how I lamented that wide lower end and narrower top half. I wanted hourglass, please, in perfect proportion! Now I'd lop off an arm and leg for that shape. Somehow in the magic mystery of menopause, girlfriend's shape took on what I lovingly call "Boxbody". Thick middle, wide midriff, total reproportioning of body weight, er...fat, to the space between armpits and hip bones. Classic old broad body. Well, I can't change it all, but I can change some of it. Shaving off some of the droopy belly (damn those 2 C Sections!) should be doable, or at least to shrink some of the fat cells so I can compress it all more smoothly!
So...for today I have another vow - day # 3 of clean eating. It means that tonight I'm not going to go out for dinner with some girlfriends after a 6 p.m. AA meeting because I can't handle the restaurant eating today. I know I'll end up ordering things that will set me off, and I want another clean day. (Esp. after seeing these pictures, yikes-a-rooni) I will report tomorrow about how it goes today. For now, this vowing crap seems to be helping, and I don't want to let my bloggy peeps down. Or myself. Whatever it takes. In AA they talk about going to any lengths to say sober. IF posting these pictures doesn't count for going to some extreme lengths, I don't know what does. I want to be a success story, not a "Don't let this happen to you" tale, which is where I've been floundering for too long.
I hope everyone has a good weekend. I'll be posting every day to stay accountable. Now that I'm on this lengthy 2 day role, I don't want to risk it!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The day before Friday!!
What a difference a day makes...a clean day, that is. As vowed, promised, sworn on a stack of old WW trackers and intended yesterday, I ate exactly what I said I was going to eat and not one morsel more. 3 meals, and a yogurt after dinner. YES! Got an hour walk in the 90+ degree heat as well. And now I'm going out on yet another limb...I am vowing to have another clean day today as far as what I eat. 3 meals, a yogurt after dinner. I may add a 100 calorie pack of beef jerkey (18 gms of protein) late afternoon, but absolutely nothing else. Also some form of exercise will be done though I'm not sure at this juncture what it will be, but probably swimming. This vowing/promising stuff seems to be working for each day, so I'm hanging on tightly to the strategy. And truth be told, for now I can only do it one day at a time.
Yesterday was not a struggle; I think because every cell in my body was crying UNCLE for a reprieve from overeating so often. After awhile it just accomplishes nothing but making me feel like sh*t about all things Leslie. It's really amazing how much abuse we can heap on ourselves sometimes and still stay in the fight! You hear that alot at AA meetings - we can really take a licking and keep on ticking, with apologies and credit to Timex. I'm ready to surrender this eating because it's compounding every negative thought and feeling exponentially rather than numbing them. It. Aint. Working. It's eating me alive.
Here's a little truth I'd rather not admit but it's far easier to admit it today than it would have been yesterday...I haven't strung more than ONE clean day together in a while. Don't know how long a while, but at least a month. I get one good day, then slack a bit the next, then more...lather, rinse, repeat... ad nauseum. So my vow to have a sane day today with food can lead me farther along than I've been for awhile. It's amazing how I can effectively play scale roulette with this kind of eating behavior for quite a long time...sort of keep a lid on any substantial gain for the most part. But no real progress with continuing to lose my excess weight. I guess I see that some day I will be able to maintain, but I'm not near where I want to be maintaining, that's for sure!
Tomorrow on my post, as promised, will be 1) my weight from which I'm starting my part of Biz's challenge where I'm striving to lose 10 pounds, 2) at least one picture of the body in all its glory, and 3) the update on today's plan for a clean day. If any of those three items are not included, please feel free to once again give me endless sh*t about it. It seems the accountability I need must be doled out in daily increments that include threats and bribes. (Just like my parenting used to be - hahaha not really) The thought of doing pics later today is barf-able! But I'm doing it. I'm sick of being where I've been for so long.
I realized yesterday that June 12 will be the one year anniversary of my blog. Maybe I'll do something to celebrate. Like a one line post to give you all a freakin' break from my blathering. But I love blathering, and I love writing and reading blogs. Everyday I get something from being here - both in striving to be honest about myself, and being on the receiving end of the same from all of you. This is a great thing we have! Who says technology is taking away the "personal relationship" piece of life? And btw - thanks all of you who said I didn't sound crazy yesterday. I truly felt better after getting all that stuff out and copping to some of my unique brand of neuroses!
Yesterday was not a struggle; I think because every cell in my body was crying UNCLE for a reprieve from overeating so often. After awhile it just accomplishes nothing but making me feel like sh*t about all things Leslie. It's really amazing how much abuse we can heap on ourselves sometimes and still stay in the fight! You hear that alot at AA meetings - we can really take a licking and keep on ticking, with apologies and credit to Timex. I'm ready to surrender this eating because it's compounding every negative thought and feeling exponentially rather than numbing them. It. Aint. Working. It's eating me alive.
Here's a little truth I'd rather not admit but it's far easier to admit it today than it would have been yesterday...I haven't strung more than ONE clean day together in a while. Don't know how long a while, but at least a month. I get one good day, then slack a bit the next, then more...lather, rinse, repeat... ad nauseum. So my vow to have a sane day today with food can lead me farther along than I've been for awhile. It's amazing how I can effectively play scale roulette with this kind of eating behavior for quite a long time...sort of keep a lid on any substantial gain for the most part. But no real progress with continuing to lose my excess weight. I guess I see that some day I will be able to maintain, but I'm not near where I want to be maintaining, that's for sure!
Tomorrow on my post, as promised, will be 1) my weight from which I'm starting my part of Biz's challenge where I'm striving to lose 10 pounds, 2) at least one picture of the body in all its glory, and 3) the update on today's plan for a clean day. If any of those three items are not included, please feel free to once again give me endless sh*t about it. It seems the accountability I need must be doled out in daily increments that include threats and bribes. (Just like my parenting used to be - hahaha not really) The thought of doing pics later today is barf-able! But I'm doing it. I'm sick of being where I've been for so long.
I realized yesterday that June 12 will be the one year anniversary of my blog. Maybe I'll do something to celebrate. Like a one line post to give you all a freakin' break from my blathering. But I love blathering, and I love writing and reading blogs. Everyday I get something from being here - both in striving to be honest about myself, and being on the receiving end of the same from all of you. This is a great thing we have! Who says technology is taking away the "personal relationship" piece of life? And btw - thanks all of you who said I didn't sound crazy yesterday. I truly felt better after getting all that stuff out and copping to some of my unique brand of neuroses!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Proceed with caution
All blog cops who were placed on standby yesterday to give me a hard time if I didn't get in the pool can relax...I did in fact get in the pool, and I swam and moved for a full 30 minutes. It felt great! I also warmed up by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, and yesterday morning had done a 25 minute walk at the crack of dawn. So it was a good exercise day.
My food was good until after dinner. That is the time of day where if I'm going to fall, it happens. I'm wrestling with a very old issue - one that resurfaces over time at new and deeper levels (hopefully for continued healing, as I've experienced a lot of healing with it over the years), and I know it's at the core of my current food behavior. I admit this not as an excuse but to continue to be fully honest and accountable for myself.
The issue involves worry and fear about illness and death - my own or precious loved ones, and given that as an only child I lost dad at age 11 and mom at age 23, the trauma is a "gift that keeps on giving". Gift because in part it has shaped who I am, including the parts of me that are compassionate and empathic. Gift as it has forced me to find a deeper source of strength and sustenance than the Royal Moi. Gift I'd like to dropkick to China because the fear is essentially irrational and not anchored in reality. I take a symptom and start to worry and ruminate...and get scared. I know a lot of people do this, but it's over the top with me at times. I've actually thought I was over it in the last year because I've been able to not go down that garden path to anxiety. For whatever reason (I've learned it doesn't really matter why), it's been poked and I'm again finding myself obsessing about something. A little. Hubby is well aware and a staunch source of support and reason, but I feel myself spinning out a bit.
What am I going to do about this old issue that seems to be activated? I've actually scheduled another "tune up" appointment with the counselor I've seen for years. I mostly have terminated with her, but stay in touch for the occasional emotional backslide. This is ancient unhealed pain from childhood. Please know I don't blame it for my eating. I'm responsible for the choice to pick up food when I know full well it's not the answer, the cure, and that I've had enough food for the day. But no aspect of my thinking, feeling and behavior happens in a vacuum. It's all interconnected, and when one area is out of sorts, it affects the whole.
For today I am issuing another vow, or promise, or intention. I am not going to overeat today. I will have 3 planned meals and 1 cup of Greek yogurt after dinner. That's all and it will be plenty. My little heart and soul and worrier (my inner little girl) might want more but I'm not going to have it. I'll report tomorrow.
I didn't mean to go all serious here, but it sort of spilled out. Overall I feel the effects of the Prednisone lessening and I have only 3 doses left. Woohoo! My minor funk of recent days is lightening also. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and so a session or 2 of talk therapy seems appropriate. I'm going Saturday and will see if that gets at the inner itch that's stirring things up. I'm a little nervous posting this today. But not hiding behind shame and not staying on the down low about my real stuff is yet another way to heal and move away from the shame and self doubt. So with out further ado, the post gets published. I just hope I don't sound too crazy!
My food was good until after dinner. That is the time of day where if I'm going to fall, it happens. I'm wrestling with a very old issue - one that resurfaces over time at new and deeper levels (hopefully for continued healing, as I've experienced a lot of healing with it over the years), and I know it's at the core of my current food behavior. I admit this not as an excuse but to continue to be fully honest and accountable for myself.
The issue involves worry and fear about illness and death - my own or precious loved ones, and given that as an only child I lost dad at age 11 and mom at age 23, the trauma is a "gift that keeps on giving". Gift because in part it has shaped who I am, including the parts of me that are compassionate and empathic. Gift as it has forced me to find a deeper source of strength and sustenance than the Royal Moi. Gift I'd like to dropkick to China because the fear is essentially irrational and not anchored in reality. I take a symptom and start to worry and ruminate...and get scared. I know a lot of people do this, but it's over the top with me at times. I've actually thought I was over it in the last year because I've been able to not go down that garden path to anxiety. For whatever reason (I've learned it doesn't really matter why), it's been poked and I'm again finding myself obsessing about something. A little. Hubby is well aware and a staunch source of support and reason, but I feel myself spinning out a bit.
What am I going to do about this old issue that seems to be activated? I've actually scheduled another "tune up" appointment with the counselor I've seen for years. I mostly have terminated with her, but stay in touch for the occasional emotional backslide. This is ancient unhealed pain from childhood. Please know I don't blame it for my eating. I'm responsible for the choice to pick up food when I know full well it's not the answer, the cure, and that I've had enough food for the day. But no aspect of my thinking, feeling and behavior happens in a vacuum. It's all interconnected, and when one area is out of sorts, it affects the whole.
For today I am issuing another vow, or promise, or intention. I am not going to overeat today. I will have 3 planned meals and 1 cup of Greek yogurt after dinner. That's all and it will be plenty. My little heart and soul and worrier (my inner little girl) might want more but I'm not going to have it. I'll report tomorrow.
I didn't mean to go all serious here, but it sort of spilled out. Overall I feel the effects of the Prednisone lessening and I have only 3 doses left. Woohoo! My minor funk of recent days is lightening also. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and so a session or 2 of talk therapy seems appropriate. I'm going Saturday and will see if that gets at the inner itch that's stirring things up. I'm a little nervous posting this today. But not hiding behind shame and not staying on the down low about my real stuff is yet another way to heal and move away from the shame and self doubt. So with out further ado, the post gets published. I just hope I don't sound too crazy!
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