Week in review

First, here is my Hot 100  update for week 5 (I think).  I had a better couple of days Wednesday and Thursday in the food realm but not perfect ones.  To think I'm capable of perfection in any endeavor is pretty grandiose.  Though I have had perfect abstinence from demon alcohol for 19+ years, though I've not done one single day of it alone.  Anyway -

1) Limit calories to 1700/day.  I haven't been tracking.  Last week I said I wasn't going to because it just made me crazy and because Miz doesn't track (at least now).  Well, Miz lost her weight many years ago and is an icon in the weight loss and fitness realm and described how and what she eats that keeps her in top form.  I currently bear ZERO resemblance to Miz in any way, other that being human, so that was a bit of a   Now I'm thinking I need to do it, and maybe in a forum like Spark People.  My best guess is that I had maybe 1-2 out of 7 days of 1700 cal. max intake.  Guessing is bullshit and I know it.  I'll talk about that more after the update.
2) Exercise at least 20 mins 6 days/week.  I did 4/7.
3) Honest reporting and 100% accountability here.  Yes.
4) Weigh in Fridays only.  I weighed 208 this morning.   Up 2 pounds from last week.  I also weighed on Monday after getting home from Atlanta where I thought I'd had a reasonable food intake.  Was 210 then.  So cheated and weighed once between Fridays.
5) Stay in challenge to the end.  Still here.
6) No dinner out Thursday night before weigh in.  Ate at home, but had PB&J for dinner, followed by ice cream.
Marginal week, but I ended up today in better shape according to the scale than I feared.
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So regarding tracking - I know a lot of bloggers use various on line tools for tracking.  I used Spark people in the past for a short time and it seemed to take forever to enter in amounts and figure out their system.  But I love the idea that I can use the data and chart trends, etc - with calories as well as weight.  What do you use for tracking?  I also have a calorie counting book that is very comprehensive, including restaurants and such.  It requires a notebook and pen, but I don't mind.  I really see I need to do something to stay within the lines.  I'd love to hear what works for those of you who do this.

My other not so good news is that my left knee has started hurting, in a different place than when I had my torn meniscus.  It was minimal on Monday and has slowly increased and shifted from just behind the knee toward the inside (medial), but has shifted to being more on the actual side of the knee.  It's not awful at all, but bothersome, and concerning because I don't want to start in with knee drama again.  I'm using ibuprofen and ice, but am still walking a lot because I can do it without discomfort.  Anyway - If it lasts for more than a week and a half, I'll check in with the Orthopedic doc.

I'm almost positive I'm going to Washington DC tomorrow for Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity.  My son and a friend are going and he gave me the nod about hanging out with them all day.  I was given a free ticket for a motor coach ride from Wilmington that takes you right to the DC Mall.  It'll be a long exhausting day, but I figure I can read or sleep on the bus both ways.  It pretty much depends on how my knee is feeling. 

That's it for me...if I don't go to DC, I'll post tomorrow, otherwise it will be Sunday.  I have clean healthy food planned and on hand for all day today, and want to get at least my 20 minutes in walking.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  And I have to add that I hope I begin to morph into a weight loss blogger SUCCESS STORY.  I really want to get this weight off and have been giving a lot of thought to getting myself on track and stopping the self pummeling I do when I have a "bad" day.  One thing I know for sure (thanks, Oprah) is that taking the best care of myself is not a result of self hate.  It has to come from self love and self respect. 

Beginning again. Again.

I know you've all been losing sleep over my sliced index finger, so here's an update pic.  It's definitely healing nicely.  It looks like less that it was when I did it, which is entirely annoying because any sympathy I'd shamelessly hustled will likely be gone now.  I'm finding myself very nervous holding and using knives since this most recent incident.  But I'm also paying attention to what I'm doing a lot more.

I think I may have said something in my Monday post about wondering if I'd have a delayed reaction to re-entry from my nice weekend getaway in Atlanta.  (If I didn't, I was thinking about it.)  My food had been good while away and the couple weeks before, and other than a little return trip eating on Sunday I was feeling very solid, determined and regrounded in my weight loss efforts.  Well, Monday night I ended up eating some Reese's ice cream my son brought home (Do. Not. Try. This. Without. Adult. Supervision.)  OMG - delicious and nicely textured, which is a bad combo for me.  My intention was to have 2 scoops.  I had more.  Then the dam broke and I ate 2 granola bars, and several other junkie things there is no point in recounting.  Yesterday was better, but the granola bars beaconed again, so today the rest of them came with me to work and that's the end of them in my humble abode.

I'm just feeling disheartened and depressed about my lack of tenacity in the weight loss realm now.  I want back what I had last year at this time - a focused and determined effort to keep doing all the things that were bringing me success, fueled by a desire to get in shape.  Also fueled by feeling hip bones and ribs that had been buried under human padding for several years.  Clothes getting bigger, buying smaller sizes and feeling the elation of slipping into them without having to pray and bargain with the scale gods first.

I found some work pants today I hadn't worn since the spring because they were folded under a stack of sheets.  They're warm ups, capri length, and suitable for today because it's very warm and muggy here right now.  When I put them on, they felt much more snug than before.  Certainly wearable, but definitely tighter.  They've bagged out a bit over the workday, but the waist is still clinging to my dimpled flesh like a rock climber hanging on for dear life.

I know I can't get back something I had a year ago.  I can only strive to acquire the desire and work ethic that will bring me the results I was getting back then.  Begin again, again.  Just like I can't retrieve my 28 y/o bikini ready body, I can't lose weight and improve my fitness on last year's effort.  Nor can I rekindle the fire.  I have to build a new fire that fits where I am today.  Frustrating, esp. with the Hot 100 and doing pretty well with it in the last 2 weeks.  I know all is not lost, and also that I will never give up.  But I'm tired of starting again.  Again.

It's funny - I feel like a total head case about this issue - my eating disorder.  Pretty much in every other area of my life, I'm competent, capable, confident about who I am and what I can accomplish.  Plenty of friends, support, great family, decent job (except when I hate it, and even then I know it's better than decent).  And I know the old adage "it's not what your eating, it's what's eating you", but I'm here to tell you that it IS what I'm eating.  Which comes first, the disordered head or the disordered eating?  Each exacerbates the other, but I know enough from AA recovery to know that you can't really think your way into right acting.  You have to act your way into right thinking.  They say "bring the body around, the mind will follow".  Whatever is at the core, as long as I'm eating more than what my body needs and is physically hungry for, I have no access to what's eating me anyway.  It's all stuffed away somewhere.

You've heard this all before from me.  I believe I'm going to find healing from overeating and peace with food.  I just hope it's before I die.  In fact, I hope it starts today, and know for certain that it CAN.
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Finally I'll post some pictures from the Atlanta trip - esp. of my dinner with Tammy.  I'll give a brief confession to you that I gave her in much more detail...I HATE having my picture taken.  Well, actually I hate how I look in pictures because I'm the least photogenic person in the free world.  As i smile for a pic, I'm already worried about how I'll look, and that shines through.  Old pathology, old baggage.  Thanks Mom, but whatever.  I is what I is, so here it is:

My entree was a scallop dish with fresh string beans that were awesome (can you spell B-U-T-T-E-R?) I forget what else was in it, but it was truly delicious, and short of picking up my empty plate and licking the residual flavored remnants left, I ate every drop!

I took fewer pics than I intended, probably as much due to camera phobia as from the fact that Tammy and I kept talking so much that it slipped my mind.  It was such a good evening.  There will be more in our future!

Here are a few more pictures from my trip: This was my first time ever driving a truck, let alone a shiny red one!  I had to borrow cars (and trucks) to get around because I tried to rent a car too late to get one for less than $500 for the 4 days I was in Atlanta - I'd sooner have put on my hiking boots and tracked along than interstates than pay that much.  It was my BIL's truck, and I decided I needed picture proof of being a truck drivin' mama (despite photo-phobia!)

This is my college son, Mark, who I visited - looking every bit the college boy bum at the Saturday night family party - he was getting ready to watch the Phillies get beaten and ousted from another World Series' run.  Yes, it looks as though his jeans are hanging rather low on his annoyingly thin hips.

Finally, above are my SIL (Episcopal priest of BIL trucker) and me at lunch in the little town where she has just been named new Rector of an adorable church.  She took me up to show me the town and her new place of employment, and we had a great time.  The church looks like a prop from a movie about an Episcopal country church.  This SIL tolerates my irreverence with ease and lots of laughs.  We get along great.

That's it from me.  Now I have to prepare for speaking at an AA meeting at 5:30 on the 10th step.  Please send positive vibes my way, as you always do, that I am able to take this food and eating endeavor one day at a time.  So far, today is good.  I intend to keep it that way, and also to go put on clothes where I don't feel so doughy.  Here's to beginning again.  Again.

Digit drama - redux

You know you've had a renewing, energizing and excellent getaway from day to day life when you're excited and ready to get back into your usual routines.  At least I know!  After feeling so sick and tired of "running on empty" about work for the last month, I was actually excited to come back this morning, see people and catch up with what went on during my brief time off.

 It's hard for me to type right now because I had yet another finger incident in the kitchen this morning!  Recall me cutting the crap out of my thumb last Sunday while slicing apples, to the tune of it taking over 2 1/2 hours to stop bleeding.  Well, today I went to rinse my coffee pot and when I pulled the lid off, the pot tapped gently, or so I thought, against the inside of the sink.  As I went to pick it up, my right index finger went straight into a jagged edge of the pot where a tiny piece of glass had popped out that I hadn't realized was there.  Yep - blood everywhere, long deep gash across the tip of the finger,so I had to drop everything and put pressure on it, wrap a tight gauze and tape around it just so i could get a shower and ready for work.  I haven';t peeked under the bulky bandaging yet, but it's probably slowed or stopped by now.  I really don't want to even check it yet.  I'm typing with my middle finger only on the right hand, and I keep making typos and tryiong to catch them!  So this will be pretty brief.  For your edification, I'm including visual aids :) .

My usual oatmeal and breakfast were aborted, but I'll be having some TJoe's Greek yogurt in a little while.  I wanted to report that my food was good over the 3 days in Atlanta - no restricting, absolutely no bingeing or food sneaking when I was driving alone(a historical MO of mine when in Atlanta).  However, yesterday I did have some stuiff way off plan - not in binge mode.  Something about flying home after a trip always sort of unleashes a bit of food wackiness for me.  I don't normallyon't eat a large Butterfinger candy bar during the day, about 20 ginger snaps, nor have grilled cheese with plenty of butter on the bread for dinner.  Today I'm back on track and am not going to weigh untiul Friday.  I may participate in a 2 week challenge Tammy told me about that I haven't looked at yet, just to augment my Hot 100 endeavor.  But my clothes are feeling a bit looser than 2 weeks ago for suire, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic.

I'll put up pics of Tammy's and my meet and greet along with a few other Atlanta photos tomorrow when my finger can be dressed in just a bandaid rather than an attractive over sized pressure dressing.  Have a good Monday!

the beat goes on...

My mini-vacation continues to be delightful, renewing, restful and FUN with a capital FUN.  I'm feeling so positive and peaceful I'm starting to scare myself!  Not really, but I'm acutely aware right now of how often I bring angst about my weight and appearance along when I visit the Atlanta folks (or enter into other situations as well), thereby ensuring that at some level I feel "less than" when I'm with them.  "Less than" because I'm "more than", so to speak.  By some miracle, this old series of tapes seems to have been removed from my emotional collection a couple of weeks before I even left for this trip.  Vapors of that stale material waft through my mind, but they aren't taking hold for some reason. 

It truly feels like grace - an unwarranted gift.  My AA sponsor always says to me something her sponsor used to say to her...if you keep your good feelings anchored in gratitude, you can accept them without guilt, worry or fear.  Without developing a sense of entitlement or, on the flip side, a sense of martyrdom that feels ever undeserving.  Just being right-sized about how things are in the present moment.  Because however they are will change.  Will pass.  For this time right now, I am immensely grateful. 

Sorry to go all cosmic and spiritual on you guys.  You know how I can go on and on ;).  Out of respect and kindness to you all, I'm sparing you 10 or 20 more paragraphs of my metaphysical mumblings.

So - dinner with Tammy was another mountain top experience.  We had a ball and clearly could have gabbed for hours and hours.  I'll tell more about it when I get home and can upload the pictures - but suffice to say we did a lot of big smiling, talking our asses off and getting to know each other better.  Oh, and eating.  She's lovely, beautiful, smart, articulate, fun, self-aware and as real as can be.  With a heart the size of the Grand Canyon, as you might already know.  I'm pretty sure she had as much fun as I did, but you'll have to see what she says at her blog.  And remember Tammy, what went on at the table stays at the table.

After I got back to my BIL and SIL's house, we sat up and watched the Texas Rangers kick the Yankees' sorry asses back to New York and beyond, and laughed, talked, listened to great music and played with their puppy.  Totally comfortable and relaxing - comflaxing?  New word for the OED?  Don't think it will compete with "chillaxin'", but you never know.

Today is likely to be another good one...brunch with one of my other SILs (the one who visited us last month), then picking up my son at Emory and hanging out with him for the rest of the day until the family party at that same SILs' home.  19 people, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.  These family parties used to cause me so much angst.  I've always had a great time once there, but used to obsess the whole day before about how I looked.  That just isn't there this time.  Now watch, probably I'll have a terrible time because I'll overhear conversations where people are talking about how fat I am!  Hey, I'm just joshin' ya!

Tomorrow morning I fly home and am looking forward to seeing hubby, son and dog.  I've talked to all 3 of them each day (yes, the dog too), and I think they're starting to be seriously jealous over the great time I'm having.  I'll be ready to resume my regularly scheduled life, but am totally enjoying this special programming in the meantime.

Finally - GO PHILLIES!!!

Hot 100 update: Atlanta edition

I'm in the sunny south, ya'll, and having a great time.  So far my eating has been entirely sane but not restrictive.  I noted in my last post I wouldn't be weighing in this week due to being 800 miles from my own scale, but I can still update progress related to my Hot 100 goals.

1.  1700 cals a day max (including tracking) - I think I'm going to modify the tracking part of this goal.  I'm just not going to do it, and keeping it as a goal gives me a negative every week.  I'm pretty knowledgeable about calorie amounts after roughly 48  of my 57 total years spent dieting, thinking about dieting, Weight Watching on South Beach with Dr. Atkins trying to Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  When my eating is pretty clean and reasonable, I always land between 1400 and 1600 /day.  I don't know how I've done this week calorically speaking, but I haven't binged AT ALL.  Very little junk.   So I'm calling this a 75% achieved goal for the week.  So there.
2.  Exercise at least 20 mins 6 of 7 days: Got 5 of 7 this week.  Legitimate busy-ness and illegitimate laziness contributed to me missing a day.
3.  100% honesty with reporting here.  YES - no "white lies of omission" at all.
4.  Weekly weigh in Fridays only with no peeking during the week.  I haven't "been on" since last Friday.  Good.
5.  No quitting this challenge no matter what.  Yep - I'm sticking and staying.
6.  No dinner out night before weigh in.  I did eat out last night (Mexican) but wasn't weighing in so doesn't count.  This is known as Leslielogic.

So a successful week overall.  Perfect in its imperfection - that is, progress and improvement without rigidity and deprivation.  Possibly some vapors of moderation and reasonability blowing in.
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Yesterday was an excellent first day of my Atlanta adventure.  I started out with at least a 3 1/2 mile power walk that left me nicely sweaty and spiritually cleansed.  After showering, I headed over to the senior community where my parents-in-law live and had a great visit and lunch with them in their dining room.  FIL is 91, MIL is 85, and both are in full possession of their faculties.  Well, they do tell the same stories over and over, but they've done that for the 28+years I've been in this family, so it is nothing new.  My MIL calls their place "the home", which tickles me no end.  I truly feel a part of this family and am so grateful, esp. considering both my parents were gone by the time I was 23, and I was an only child.  Feelings of fatness and unworthiness have been virtually non-existent for me about this trip.  Talk about progress.

After lunch with the old folks, I shifted gears and picked up Mark, our youngest, from his last class and spent about 4 hours with him until he had to go to lacrosse practice.  We just talked and laughed.  It was utterly wonderful.  Delicious.  I'll be with him all day tomorrow and tomorrow night.  There's a big family party in honor of my visit and a niece's 19th birthday tomorrow night that will be great.  Funny - I'm finding myself looking forward to the people, the experience and the relationships rather than worrying about food, fat or how I look.  Again, progress?  Spiritual gifts? Personal growth?  All of the above I suppose, and more.

And tonight is my long awaited meeting with Tammy of From Fat to Fab!  I'm so excited to meet a fellow blogger with whom I feel very connected and already love to pieces.  We've talked about this for a long time.  Rest assured you'll see and here about it on both our blogs.

Happy Friday bloggy buddies!

Bon voyage

I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger at work the last 2 days, and tonight I'm leaving for Atlanta, so I wanted to post something fast before I enter the last frantic stage of packing and getting ready when I get home from work.  I'm looking forward to the trip, but the hours between now and getting on the plan promise to be dizzying. 

I've decided to check one bag for $20, because I'm taking a bunch of #2 son's stuff he left home this summer and I don't feel like doing the ultimate schlep of bulging carry on luggage, purse and a bag with enough magazines and books to keep me in written words for the next year.  I always take tons of reading material plus some knitting, whenever I go away, knowing full well that I won't read much of anything, nor will I knit.  But you never know.  Girlfriend doesn't want to risk being bored!  Actually my flight doesn't get into Atlanta until 9:30 which is past my bedtime, so I may actually have a little nappy on the plane.

My eating has been pretty okay this week, but my exercise has been less than lastweek.  My plan is to do some airport power walking once I check my bag to burn some calories and earn some Hot 100 points!  Once in Atlanta I'll definitely be able to get in some good walking each day unless I simply slack.  This week I won't weigh in on Friday because the thought of weighing in on an unfamiliar scale (at my brother-in-law's house) fills me with fear and trepidation.  I will do the rest of the Friday update and have to wait until the 29th for the next scale verdict.  Just as well, probably. 

I wanted to tell you all about making my apple cake on Sunday for one of the parties I had to attend.  I got up early and began peeling and cutting up the 5 large apples required in the recipe.  I'd gotten all of one apple cut up and just started the 2nd when I literally sliced the knife deep into my right thumb - almost a quarter inch.  It makes my stomach flinch now just to think about it...it immediately started POURING blood (thankfully not into the apples!) so I elevated it and put pressure on it.  Do you know that it was 2 1/2 hours before it finally stopped bleeding?  I help it up higher than my heart, applied ice and gobs of pressure, all of which rendered me entirely incapable of continuing the apple cutting, much less mixing the rest of the ingredients for the cake.  So hubby and son assumed the various roles - son cutting up the remaining apples and hubby mixing the rest of the stuff, with me breathing down his neck to make sure he didn't goof something up.  (Hubby is NOT a kitchen elf in any sense of the word, EXCEPT for making good salads.)

Above is a picture of the cake with the glaze/icing on it.  Tastes better than this looks!  I promise to post the recipe soon as several people asked for it.  Warning - it is in no way "lite", low fat or low cal.  It is, however...AWESOME.  The chopped up things you see are the fresh apples.

My thumb is still bandaged and sore, and oozes a little blood when I use it for anything more than balancing the rest of my hand!  Good heavens - what a dumb thing to do, and how much I inconvenienced myself!  It doesn't hurt anymore and is definitely getting better, but still a force to contend with.  Tami of Nutmeg Notebook posted pictures of her bruised toe from a clumsy move and asked what the last clumsy thing her readers recalled doing?  This is mine, Tami!  Pretty dumb, huh?

Well - I'm off to finish packing and getting to the airport for my "workout".  I'll be checking in while in Atlanta and of course am having dinner on Friday evening with Tammy!  Can't wait!  Take care everyone.  

Short and sweet

This is a blitz post - no time at all today but will be resuming my regular slacking at work schedule tomorrow and do a real post. 

I mainly wanted to thank all of you for your (Friday) suggestions regarding my 2 mine field events yesterday and how to best negotiate them without falling into an abyss of wanton eating.  I did okay.  I've done much worse, and would have possibly gotten into more calorie laden consumption of mass quantities except that the food at both the parties was really not that great.  Nor tempting.  In all modest honesty, my apple cake at the first party was the best thing there and it was scarfed up in record time.  I had a bowl of chili someone made and a bit of a southwestern layered dip with about 5 "Scoops" (Tostito chips shaped like little bowls).  A small lemon square.  And yes - a medium sized piece of my cake.  That was it.  At the second gathering I was full from the first, and had only a very small amount of a yummy pear, gorgonzola and pecan salad and 3 bites of 3 different cookies that weren't good enough to warrant eating the rest.  At least 200 calories saved there, I'm sure.

This morning I left early for a conference that turned out to be excellent.  I just got home from that and wanted to at least make my mark in blogdom today before going out to exercise.  So that's next on the docket, followed by a fund raising dinner for my job at Iron Hill where I know I can make healthy sane selections.  I hope everyone had a good weekend and I'll catch up on blog reading tonight and tomorrow.