The Head Game

I just realized I should have taken a picture...I'm at work and just returned to my office after passing meds, and what is sitting on my desk but a piece of yellow cake with a spattering of blackberries and strawberries, and a dollop of whipped something. The gal who made it is one of the supervisors in a classroom, and she does cooking projects. She's a fellow foodie, and always sends a treat my way when she has enough. Often, very often, I partake.

Today I simply placed the paper plate with the plate in my trash can and stirred up the trash so if my friend comes in my office she won't see her kind offering mugging up at us out of the trash. What's interesting is that I would eat this on many days, even though it would be marginal at best. Just an average hit of sugar and my inner addict would come spritely to life and off to the races I'd likely go for the day. Seeking something that was worth it - because the cake wouldn't be.

So I just said no today and I'm really glad. I had a spot on day following the plan I wrote of yesterday to the letter. The food was good, satisfying and enough. There was a moment late afternoon before dinner where a food thought came over me and another after dinner. They weren't terribly compelling but enough to send me down the garden path on many days. It wasn't hard to resist. And I literally said to myself after dinner, "You know you've had sufficient nutrition for the day. You will not die of either malnutrition or starvation if you have not one more bite today, even though it feels a little said and empty.

I ended up going to bed early, succumbing to another dose of Benadryl I took for my poison ivy itching. The poison ivy is getting worse, so I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to get an order for Prednisone. I hate to do it, but it's clearly not settling down. I hate to resort to it, but at this point I'm ready to be done with the crazy itching, and watching the ivy rash spread up above my elbow at this point. It's time.

The thing I've been thinking about my whole weight loss journey today is how much of a head trip it is for me. Of course the physical reality is what it is, but my attitude, willingness, acceptance, honesty and perseverence are all functions of my head. There is a saying in AA: "You can't think your way into right acting; you really have to act your way into right thinking". My head (the ultimate thinker) will rationalize, connive, finagle and bullsh*t me from here to Kingdom Come, striving to convince me that one small handful of 40% reduced fat Kettle potato chips won't hurt me or set me off this time. (This happened Sunday - a new brand I hadn't tried and had bought "for my son". What a crock! 2 crocks, actually. #1 - buying them for my son, and #2 - pretending to "believe" that the one handful won't set me off. I have to overide the mind chatter and just do the next right thing. Which in my case is always going to be to not eat the thing my head tells me I have to have when it's not within the confines of my food plan.

My AA sponsor said to me yesterday, "You know full well when you're eating what you shouldn't, when you shouldn't." I might as well be honest with myself at those times and just admit that, for that day, I'm choosing food over something else. Food over quiet time. Food over showing up for something that I fear might make me uncomfortable. Food over feeling what's really going on with me. Food over being with my family. I'm choosing food over living my life as it unfolds each day. That is absolutely the truth, and I want to stop making that choice.

I went to the gym yesterday and got in 30 minutes on the bike with level 3 resistance. Felt great, and I would have gone longer but I wanted to get home and see Oprah with Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Gilbert about the upcoming movie from the book Eat, Pray, Love. My doctor's appointment after work is at 3:30, so hopefully I'll get a long walk in after what will hopefully be a quickie appointment. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about getting another day here. Stay tuned!