Thursday, June 9, 2011

A reconnection fly-by

When I wrote my last post (about food addiction), I was going to vow to post at least a couple of sentences every day about how I'm doing as I begin to emerge from the warm fuzzy womb of denial and strive to at last accept and navigate my disordered eating once and for all.  Good thing I didn't make that pledge, huh?  I honestly haven't had free chunks of time sufficient to journal all my crap for you to read.  But know that I have been thinking about it all a lot, doing a little better with eating, and "hearing" differently the things that are discussed in AA meetings about alcoholism. 

Food as substitute for booze.  Doesn't give the same buzz, but does provide a body suit (literally as well as figuratively - oops, there's another "no pun intended"!) of anesthesia and blurring of reality that must be doing something for me - else why would I continue with the ingestion of mass quantities when hunger is no where on the horizon, much less in my stomach?...

The biggest thing I've done since writing that post is that I've talked to a couple of good friends about it - trying to admit the exact nature of my eating behavior.  It's very difficult, because for this blogger, overeating and abusing food is so SHAMEFUL.  My shame about it is huge, and even typing that causes my eyes to moisten. 

Some internal shift has happened that has brought me to a new bottom emotionally with this issue.  I've weighed as much as 22 pounds more than I do now.  I've been more out of control with food.  I don't know why I have been blessed with this clarity at this juncture.  But I'm grateful; I have a wonderful connection with the 12 step program of AA that has everything I need to begin to address my dysfunctional relationship with food at virtually every level.  I don't want to slip back under the covers with my myriad binge foods and say to myself, "THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M DOING THIS". 

I don't think I have the emotional where with all to continue the insanity with food - but I also know my addictive self and my limitless capacity to self-inflict pain and sabotage.  So just like I wouldn't say, "I'll never drink again" even though I feel very strong in my alcohol recovery, I also won't say it wouldn't be possible for me to lapse back into full on eating insanity.  For today I'm good.  I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

This is longer than I planned but I wanted to catch up a bit.  I do plan on posting more frequently now that the wedding from last weekend (wonderful) is over and we're back to life in the medium lane.  I 'm looking forward to not trying to sound better than I am.  I'm going for real now - it's time.

14 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear from you:) But sorry to hear you are at a new bottom. Although I am confused because maybe that is a good thing? I think we'd all do better if we just focused on one day, or even one bite, at a time.

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  2. Glad to have a post from you! What is not shameful is that you recognize your struggle and think about it constantly. It would be be more shameful if you continued in your behavior and say "Screw the world", in my opinion. There is so much that is lovely about you! Please keep us updated! I imagine it is hard to have conquered one addiction, only to have to conquer another. But you can do it. I believe in you!

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  3. Glad to hear from you Leslie. I'm really struggling with "using" right now myself. I'm white-knuckling it and there is no peace.

    I'll be looking forward to hearing your ESH on this issue.

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  4. Leslie I hope you will always go for real - it's what makes you uniquely you!

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  5. Good to see you blogging again. I feel your pain, on both counts. I want to wish you luck


    xx
    lesley

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  6. Just want to give you support x 10. baby steps

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  7. hey... good to see you :)

    take care and keep comin' back

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  8. please remember as you write that there is no 'debby downer' in reality writing. we do not expect a 'party hostess' atmosphere.

    I love when you are at your most clear and writing from the AA as it relates to food viewpoint because you offer experience and honesty that no one else does.

    I understand working thru the shame feeling is part of the process. I am sorry it is so painful. You will come out the other side. And every step is valuable to experience and to share.

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  9. I think it might be helpful to you to go read Jane's archives. I would suggest starting at the beginning and reading to current. Not all in one sitting, not instead of exercise or whole food shopping/prep or sleep or any of your other priorities, but a post or two at a time. I think you will get a lot out of her experiences.

    http://www.keepingthepoundsoff.com/

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  10. Food is often referred to as the "drug of choice." It can be as numbing as booze. There is no need to feel shame here. Just be real ... not shameful.

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  11. Jane's blog is set up like mine, so no matter how far back a post is, she will see all comments.

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  12. You always manage to put into words exactly what I'm dealing with in the addiction part of my journey. I so appreciate the honesty.

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  13. Hi Leslie!! Just want to send over a big virtual hug to you today. While its easy never to have alcohol again, um, we all need to eat. I am glad that you are at least seeing some sort of clarity with your food addiction - and I am constantly admired with your honesty, because I know its hard for you to talk about.

    Hugs!!!!

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