Friday, October 29, 2010

Week in review

First, here is my Hot 100  update for week 5 (I think).  I had a better couple of days Wednesday and Thursday in the food realm but not perfect ones.  To think I'm capable of perfection in any endeavor is pretty grandiose.  Though I have had perfect abstinence from demon alcohol for 19+ years, though I've not done one single day of it alone.  Anyway -

1) Limit calories to 1700/day.  I haven't been tracking.  Last week I said I wasn't going to because it just made me crazy and because Miz doesn't track (at least now).  Well, Miz lost her weight many years ago and is an icon in the weight loss and fitness realm and described how and what she eats that keeps her in top form.  I currently bear ZERO resemblance to Miz in any way, other that being human, so that was a bit of a   Now I'm thinking I need to do it, and maybe in a forum like Spark People.  My best guess is that I had maybe 1-2 out of 7 days of 1700 cal. max intake.  Guessing is bullshit and I know it.  I'll talk about that more after the update.
2) Exercise at least 20 mins 6 days/week.  I did 4/7.
3) Honest reporting and 100% accountability here.  Yes.
4) Weigh in Fridays only.  I weighed 208 this morning.   Up 2 pounds from last week.  I also weighed on Monday after getting home from Atlanta where I thought I'd had a reasonable food intake.  Was 210 then.  So cheated and weighed once between Fridays.
5) Stay in challenge to the end.  Still here.
6) No dinner out Thursday night before weigh in.  Ate at home, but had PB&J for dinner, followed by ice cream.
Marginal week, but I ended up today in better shape according to the scale than I feared.

So regarding tracking - I know a lot of bloggers use various on line tools for tracking.  I used Spark people in the past for a short time and it seemed to take forever to enter in amounts and figure out their system.  But I love the idea that I can use the data and chart trends, etc - with calories as well as weight.  What do you use for tracking?  I also have a calorie counting book that is very comprehensive, including restaurants and such.  It requires a notebook and pen, but I don't mind.  I really see I need to do something to stay within the lines.  I'd love to hear what works for those of you who do this.

My other not so good news is that my left knee has started hurting, in a different place than when I had my torn meniscus.  It was minimal on Monday and has slowly increased and shifted from just behind the knee toward the inside (medial), but has shifted to being more on the actual side of the knee.  It's not awful at all, but bothersome, and concerning because I don't want to start in with knee drama again.  I'm using ibuprofen and ice, but am still walking a lot because I can do it without discomfort.  Anyway - If it lasts for more than a week and a half, I'll check in with the Orthopedic doc.

I'm almost positive I'm going to Washington DC tomorrow for Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity.  My son and a friend are going and he gave me the nod about hanging out with them all day.  I was given a free ticket for a motor coach ride from Wilmington that takes you right to the DC Mall.  It'll be a long exhausting day, but I figure I can read or sleep on the bus both ways.  It pretty much depends on how my knee is feeling. 

That's it for me...if I don't go to DC, I'll post tomorrow, otherwise it will be Sunday.  I have clean healthy food planned and on hand for all day today, and want to get at least my 20 minutes in walking.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  And I have to add that I hope I begin to morph into a weight loss blogger SUCCESS STORY.  I really want to get this weight off and have been giving a lot of thought to getting myself on track and stopping the self pummeling I do when I have a "bad" day.  One thing I know for sure (thanks, Oprah) is that taking the best care of myself is not a result of self hate.  It has to come from self love and self respect. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Beginning again. Again.

I know you've all been losing sleep over my sliced index finger, so here's an update pic.  It's definitely healing nicely.  It looks like less that it was when I did it, which is entirely annoying because any sympathy I'd shamelessly hustled will likely be gone now.  I'm finding myself very nervous holding and using knives since this most recent incident.  But I'm also paying attention to what I'm doing a lot more.

I think I may have said something in my Monday post about wondering if I'd have a delayed reaction to re-entry from my nice weekend getaway in Atlanta.  (If I didn't, I was thinking about it.)  My food had been good while away and the couple weeks before, and other than a little return trip eating on Sunday I was feeling very solid, determined and regrounded in my weight loss efforts.  Well, Monday night I ended up eating some Reese's ice cream my son brought home (Do. Not. Try. This. Without. Adult. Supervision.)  OMG - delicious and nicely textured, which is a bad combo for me.  My intention was to have 2 scoops.  I had more.  Then the dam broke and I ate 2 granola bars, and several other junkie things there is no point in recounting.  Yesterday was better, but the granola bars beaconed again, so today the rest of them came with me to work and that's the end of them in my humble abode.

I'm just feeling disheartened and depressed about my lack of tenacity in the weight loss realm now.  I want back what I had last year at this time - a focused and determined effort to keep doing all the things that were bringing me success, fueled by a desire to get in shape.  Also fueled by feeling hip bones and ribs that had been buried under human padding for several years.  Clothes getting bigger, buying smaller sizes and feeling the elation of slipping into them without having to pray and bargain with the scale gods first.

I found some work pants today I hadn't worn since the spring because they were folded under a stack of sheets.  They're warm ups, capri length, and suitable for today because it's very warm and muggy here right now.  When I put them on, they felt much more snug than before.  Certainly wearable, but definitely tighter.  They've bagged out a bit over the workday, but the waist is still clinging to my dimpled flesh like a rock climber hanging on for dear life.

I know I can't get back something I had a year ago.  I can only strive to acquire the desire and work ethic that will bring me the results I was getting back then.  Begin again, again.  Just like I can't retrieve my 28 y/o bikini ready body, I can't lose weight and improve my fitness on last year's effort.  Nor can I rekindle the fire.  I have to build a new fire that fits where I am today.  Frustrating, esp. with the Hot 100 and doing pretty well with it in the last 2 weeks.  I know all is not lost, and also that I will never give up.  But I'm tired of starting again.  Again.

It's funny - I feel like a total head case about this issue - my eating disorder.  Pretty much in every other area of my life, I'm competent, capable, confident about who I am and what I can accomplish.  Plenty of friends, support, great family, decent job (except when I hate it, and even then I know it's better than decent).  And I know the old adage "it's not what your eating, it's what's eating you", but I'm here to tell you that it IS what I'm eating.  Which comes first, the disordered head or the disordered eating?  Each exacerbates the other, but I know enough from AA recovery to know that you can't really think your way into right acting.  You have to act your way into right thinking.  They say "bring the body around, the mind will follow".  Whatever is at the core, as long as I'm eating more than what my body needs and is physically hungry for, I have no access to what's eating me anyway.  It's all stuffed away somewhere.

You've heard this all before from me.  I believe I'm going to find healing from overeating and peace with food.  I just hope it's before I die.  In fact, I hope it starts today, and know for certain that it CAN.
Finally I'll post some pictures from the Atlanta trip - esp. of my dinner with Tammy.  I'll give a brief confession to you that I gave her in much more detail...I HATE having my picture taken.  Well, actually I hate how I look in pictures because I'm the least photogenic person in the free world.  As i smile for a pic, I'm already worried about how I'll look, and that shines through.  Old pathology, old baggage.  Thanks Mom, but whatever.  I is what I is, so here it is:

My entree was a scallop dish with fresh string beans that were awesome (can you spell B-U-T-T-E-R?) I forget what else was in it, but it was truly delicious, and short of picking up my empty plate and licking the residual flavored remnants left, I ate every drop!

I took fewer pics than I intended, probably as much due to camera phobia as from the fact that Tammy and I kept talking so much that it slipped my mind.  It was such a good evening.  There will be more in our future!

Here are a few more pictures from my trip: This was my first time ever driving a truck, let alone a shiny red one!  I had to borrow cars (and trucks) to get around because I tried to rent a car too late to get one for less than $500 for the 4 days I was in Atlanta - I'd sooner have put on my hiking boots and tracked along than interstates than pay that much.  It was my BIL's truck, and I decided I needed picture proof of being a truck drivin' mama (despite photo-phobia!)
This is my college son, Mark, who I visited - looking every bit the college boy bum at the Saturday night family party - he was getting ready to watch the Phillies get beaten and ousted from another World Series' run.  Yes, it looks as though his jeans are hanging rather low on his annoyingly thin hips.
Finally, above are my SIL (Episcopal priest of BIL trucker) and me at lunch in the little town where she has just been named new Rector of an adorable church.  She took me up to show me the town and her new place of employment, and we had a great time.  The church looks like a prop from a movie about an Episcopal country church.  This SIL tolerates my irreverence with ease and lots of laughs.  We get along great.

That's it from me.  Now I have to prepare for speaking at an AA meeting at 5:30 on the 10th step.  Please send positive vibes my way, as you always do, that I am able to take this food and eating endeavor one day at a time.  So far, today is good.  I intend to keep it that way, and also to go put on clothes where I don't feel so doughy.  Here's to beginning again.  Again.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Digit drama - redux

You know you've had a renewing, energizing and excellent getaway from day to day life when you're excited and ready to get back into your usual routines.  At least I know!  After feeling so sick and tired of "running on empty" about work for the last month, I was actually excited to come back this morning, see people and catch up with what went on during my brief time off.

 It's hard for me to type right now because I had yet another finger incident in the kitchen this morning!  Recall me cutting the crap out of my thumb last Sunday while slicing apples, to the tune of it taking over 2 1/2 hours to stop bleeding.  Well, today I went to rinse my coffee pot and when I pulled the lid off, the pot tapped gently, or so I thought, against the inside of the sink.  As I went to pick it up, my right index finger went straight into a jagged edge of the pot where a tiny piece of glass had popped out that I hadn't realized was there.  Yep - blood everywhere, long deep gash across the tip of the finger,so I had to drop everything and put pressure on it, wrap a tight gauze and tape around it just so i could get a shower and ready for work.  I haven';t peeked under the bulky bandaging yet, but it's probably slowed or stopped by now.  I really don't want to even check it yet.  I'm typing with my middle finger only on the right hand, and I keep making typos and tryiong to catch them!  So this will be pretty brief.  For your edification, I'm including visual aids :) .

My usual oatmeal and breakfast were aborted, but I'll be having some TJoe's Greek yogurt in a little while.  I wanted to report that my food was good over the 3 days in Atlanta - no restricting, absolutely no bingeing or food sneaking when I was driving alone(a historical MO of mine when in Atlanta).  However, yesterday I did have some stuiff way off plan - not in binge mode.  Something about flying home after a trip always sort of unleashes a bit of food wackiness for me.  I don't normallyon't eat a large Butterfinger candy bar during the day, about 20 ginger snaps, nor have grilled cheese with plenty of butter on the bread for dinner.  Today I'm back on track and am not going to weigh untiul Friday.  I may participate in a 2 week challenge Tammy told me about that I haven't looked at yet, just to augment my Hot 100 endeavor.  But my clothes are feeling a bit looser than 2 weeks ago for suire, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic.

I'll put up pics of Tammy's and my meet and greet along with a few other Atlanta photos tomorrow when my finger can be dressed in just a bandaid rather than an attractive over sized pressure dressing.  Have a good Monday!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

the beat goes on...

My mini-vacation continues to be delightful, renewing, restful and FUN with a capital FUN.  I'm feeling so positive and peaceful I'm starting to scare myself!  Not really, but I'm acutely aware right now of how often I bring angst about my weight and appearance along when I visit the Atlanta folks (or enter into other situations as well), thereby ensuring that at some level I feel "less than" when I'm with them.  "Less than" because I'm "more than", so to speak.  By some miracle, this old series of tapes seems to have been removed from my emotional collection a couple of weeks before I even left for this trip.  Vapors of that stale material waft through my mind, but they aren't taking hold for some reason. 

It truly feels like grace - an unwarranted gift.  My AA sponsor always says to me something her sponsor used to say to her...if you keep your good feelings anchored in gratitude, you can accept them without guilt, worry or fear.  Without developing a sense of entitlement or, on the flip side, a sense of martyrdom that feels ever undeserving.  Just being right-sized about how things are in the present moment.  Because however they are will change.  Will pass.  For this time right now, I am immensely grateful. 

Sorry to go all cosmic and spiritual on you guys.  You know how I can go on and on ;).  Out of respect and kindness to you all, I'm sparing you 10 or 20 more paragraphs of my metaphysical mumblings.

So - dinner with Tammy was another mountain top experience.  We had a ball and clearly could have gabbed for hours and hours.  I'll tell more about it when I get home and can upload the pictures - but suffice to say we did a lot of big smiling, talking our asses off and getting to know each other better.  Oh, and eating.  She's lovely, beautiful, smart, articulate, fun, self-aware and as real as can be.  With a heart the size of the Grand Canyon, as you might already know.  I'm pretty sure she had as much fun as I did, but you'll have to see what she says at her blog.  And remember Tammy, what went on at the table stays at the table.

After I got back to my BIL and SIL's house, we sat up and watched the Texas Rangers kick the Yankees' sorry asses back to New York and beyond, and laughed, talked, listened to great music and played with their puppy.  Totally comfortable and relaxing - comflaxing?  New word for the OED?  Don't think it will compete with "chillaxin'", but you never know.

Today is likely to be another good one...brunch with one of my other SILs (the one who visited us last month), then picking up my son at Emory and hanging out with him for the rest of the day until the family party at that same SILs' home.  19 people, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.  These family parties used to cause me so much angst.  I've always had a great time once there, but used to obsess the whole day before about how I looked.  That just isn't there this time.  Now watch, probably I'll have a terrible time because I'll overhear conversations where people are talking about how fat I am!  Hey, I'm just joshin' ya!

Tomorrow morning I fly home and am looking forward to seeing hubby, son and dog.  I've talked to all 3 of them each day (yes, the dog too), and I think they're starting to be seriously jealous over the great time I'm having.  I'll be ready to resume my regularly scheduled life, but am totally enjoying this special programming in the meantime.

Finally - GO PHILLIES!!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Hot 100 update: Atlanta edition

I'm in the sunny south, ya'll, and having a great time.  So far my eating has been entirely sane but not restrictive.  I noted in my last post I wouldn't be weighing in this week due to being 800 miles from my own scale, but I can still update progress related to my Hot 100 goals.

1.  1700 cals a day max (including tracking) - I think I'm going to modify the tracking part of this goal.  I'm just not going to do it, and keeping it as a goal gives me a negative every week.  I'm pretty knowledgeable about calorie amounts after roughly 48  of my 57 total years spent dieting, thinking about dieting, Weight Watching on South Beach with Dr. Atkins trying to Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  When my eating is pretty clean and reasonable, I always land between 1400 and 1600 /day.  I don't know how I've done this week calorically speaking, but I haven't binged AT ALL.  Very little junk.   So I'm calling this a 75% achieved goal for the week.  So there.
2.  Exercise at least 20 mins 6 of 7 days: Got 5 of 7 this week.  Legitimate busy-ness and illegitimate laziness contributed to me missing a day.
3.  100% honesty with reporting here.  YES - no "white lies of omission" at all.
4.  Weekly weigh in Fridays only with no peeking during the week.  I haven't "been on" since last Friday.  Good.
5.  No quitting this challenge no matter what.  Yep - I'm sticking and staying.
6.  No dinner out night before weigh in.  I did eat out last night (Mexican) but wasn't weighing in so doesn't count.  This is known as Leslielogic.

So a successful week overall.  Perfect in its imperfection - that is, progress and improvement without rigidity and deprivation.  Possibly some vapors of moderation and reasonability blowing in.

Yesterday was an excellent first day of my Atlanta adventure.  I started out with at least a 3 1/2 mile power walk that left me nicely sweaty and spiritually cleansed.  After showering, I headed over to the senior community where my parents-in-law live and had a great visit and lunch with them in their dining room.  FIL is 91, MIL is 85, and both are in full possession of their faculties.  Well, they do tell the same stories over and over, but they've done that for the 28+years I've been in this family, so it is nothing new.  My MIL calls their place "the home", which tickles me no end.  I truly feel a part of this family and am so grateful, esp. considering both my parents were gone by the time I was 23, and I was an only child.  Feelings of fatness and unworthiness have been virtually non-existent for me about this trip.  Talk about progress.

After lunch with the old folks, I shifted gears and picked up Mark, our youngest, from his last class and spent about 4 hours with him until he had to go to lacrosse practice.  We just talked and laughed.  It was utterly wonderful.  Delicious.  I'll be with him all day tomorrow and tomorrow night.  There's a big family party in honor of my visit and a niece's 19th birthday tomorrow night that will be great.  Funny - I'm finding myself looking forward to the people, the experience and the relationships rather than worrying about food, fat or how I look.  Again, progress?  Spiritual gifts? Personal growth?  All of the above I suppose, and more.

And tonight is my long awaited meeting with Tammy of From Fat to Fab!  I'm so excited to meet a fellow blogger with whom I feel very connected and already love to pieces.  We've talked about this for a long time.  Rest assured you'll see and here about it on both our blogs.

Happy Friday bloggy buddies!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bon voyage

I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger at work the last 2 days, and tonight I'm leaving for Atlanta, so I wanted to post something fast before I enter the last frantic stage of packing and getting ready when I get home from work.  I'm looking forward to the trip, but the hours between now and getting on the plan promise to be dizzying. 

I've decided to check one bag for $20, because I'm taking a bunch of #2 son's stuff he left home this summer and I don't feel like doing the ultimate schlep of bulging carry on luggage, purse and a bag with enough magazines and books to keep me in written words for the next year.  I always take tons of reading material plus some knitting, whenever I go away, knowing full well that I won't read much of anything, nor will I knit.  But you never know.  Girlfriend doesn't want to risk being bored!  Actually my flight doesn't get into Atlanta until 9:30 which is past my bedtime, so I may actually have a little nappy on the plane.

My eating has been pretty okay this week, but my exercise has been less than lastweek.  My plan is to do some airport power walking once I check my bag to burn some calories and earn some Hot 100 points!  Once in Atlanta I'll definitely be able to get in some good walking each day unless I simply slack.  This week I won't weigh in on Friday because the thought of weighing in on an unfamiliar scale (at my brother-in-law's house) fills me with fear and trepidation.  I will do the rest of the Friday update and have to wait until the 29th for the next scale verdict.  Just as well, probably. 

I wanted to tell you all about making my apple cake on Sunday for one of the parties I had to attend.  I got up early and began peeling and cutting up the 5 large apples required in the recipe.  I'd gotten all of one apple cut up and just started the 2nd when I literally sliced the knife deep into my right thumb - almost a quarter inch.  It makes my stomach flinch now just to think about immediately started POURING blood (thankfully not into the apples!) so I elevated it and put pressure on it.  Do you know that it was 2 1/2 hours before it finally stopped bleeding?  I help it up higher than my heart, applied ice and gobs of pressure, all of which rendered me entirely incapable of continuing the apple cutting, much less mixing the rest of the ingredients for the cake.  So hubby and son assumed the various roles - son cutting up the remaining apples and hubby mixing the rest of the stuff, with me breathing down his neck to make sure he didn't goof something up.  (Hubby is NOT a kitchen elf in any sense of the word, EXCEPT for making good salads.)
Above is a picture of the cake with the glaze/icing on it.  Tastes better than this looks!  I promise to post the recipe soon as several people asked for it.  Warning - it is in no way "lite", low fat or low cal.  It is, however...AWESOME.  The chopped up things you see are the fresh apples.

My thumb is still bandaged and sore, and oozes a little blood when I use it for anything more than balancing the rest of my hand!  Good heavens - what a dumb thing to do, and how much I inconvenienced myself!  It doesn't hurt anymore and is definitely getting better, but still a force to contend with.  Tami of Nutmeg Notebook posted pictures of her bruised toe from a clumsy move and asked what the last clumsy thing her readers recalled doing?  This is mine, Tami!  Pretty dumb, huh?

Well - I'm off to finish packing and getting to the airport for my "workout".  I'll be checking in while in Atlanta and of course am having dinner on Friday evening with Tammy!  Can't wait!  Take care everyone.  

Monday, October 18, 2010

Short and sweet

This is a blitz post - no time at all today but will be resuming my regular slacking at work schedule tomorrow and do a real post. 

I mainly wanted to thank all of you for your (Friday) suggestions regarding my 2 mine field events yesterday and how to best negotiate them without falling into an abyss of wanton eating.  I did okay.  I've done much worse, and would have possibly gotten into more calorie laden consumption of mass quantities except that the food at both the parties was really not that great.  Nor tempting.  In all modest honesty, my apple cake at the first party was the best thing there and it was scarfed up in record time.  I had a bowl of chili someone made and a bit of a southwestern layered dip with about 5 "Scoops" (Tostito chips shaped like little bowls).  A small lemon square.  And yes - a medium sized piece of my cake.  That was it.  At the second gathering I was full from the first, and had only a very small amount of a yummy pear, gorgonzola and pecan salad and 3 bites of 3 different cookies that weren't good enough to warrant eating the rest.  At least 200 calories saved there, I'm sure.

This morning I left early for a conference that turned out to be excellent.  I just got home from that and wanted to at least make my mark in blogdom today before going out to exercise.  So that's next on the docket, followed by a fund raising dinner for my job at Iron Hill where I know I can make healthy sane selections.  I hope everyone had a good weekend and I'll catch up on blog reading tonight and tomorrow.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hot 100 Update

TGIF!  This week has gone by fast and the weekend is hours away.  Next week will be full and busy, so I'm going to savor the weekend, though it is also looking to be action packed and with a few treacherous events looming.  More on that later.

Here's the update:
1.  Limit cals to 1700 a day, with tracking.  I have not been tracking, but I know that at least 5 of the 7 days I met this goal.  Tracking is something that I intend to do, but never get more than a couple of days doing before I'm glazing over with it.  After reading Miz' post yesterday, I feel no guilt about my deep resistence to tracking every morsel and micro calorie!  I consider this goal 5/7 achieved, which is better than 4/7 last week.  Progress!
2.  Exercise at least 20 min 6 d/wk.  100%!  And more than 20 minutes (a lot more) each of those days.  WOOOOT!
3.  100% honesty with reporting and weigh ins here on Friday morns - Yup.
4.  Weekly weigh in only - Friday ams - Yup!  No peeking at all during the week.
5.  Stay in challenge thru to the end.  Still here.  Sticking and staying!
6.  No Thursday dinners out.  Ate mondo salad last night at home.  Achieved. 
Here's a pic of said rabbit food.  Note heinous predator eyeing said rabbit food.

Anyone who has followed my  notable history - not - of challenges in the blog world knows that this is my best week ever in sticking to my goals.  When I woke up this morning, I gave myself a fist pumping high five!
Weigh in - 206.  Last week was 210.  Down 4 pounds without starving or depriving.  I'm pleased.  I'm hoping to unload a few more before my trip to Atlanta next Wednesday, and feel motivated.
On to OS (other stuff):

I did in fact go to the gym yesterday and did 30 mins on the treadmill and 20 on bike.  I also found my friend who works at said gym and got myself for the first training session to which I'm entitled.  Because next week I'm attending a conference one day and going out of town for 4 days, my appointment is on Wednesday, the 27th.  I could have gotten in sooner, but Vicky - the trainer my friend says I "MUST have and will love" is also going to be away and not returning until Tuesday the 26th with no openings, so I'm fine with waiting.  There's plenty of exercising I can be doing in the meantime.

So another item that's been lingering on my to do list for too long that I can check off - setting this up.  I love having a list and crossing things out.  I've been meaning to set this up for, um, months.

Now for my reference to treachery lying ahead with regard to eating and staying true to my goals.  This Sunday I have not one but 2 parties to attend - both AA anniversaries that are always great, but big eating events.  One thing you may not know about recovering alcoholics is that many of us are great cooks and card carrying foodies who can whip up some excellent grub.  2 events in one day!  For the first one I'm making (by request) a fresh apple cake with caramel icing - all homemade, that is beyond to die for.  It's actually good enough to be born for.  I've had several people say to me, "you ARE bringing your apple cake?"  I are, but my intention is to not have even one crumb of it.  Not nuttin', honey.  I'll be fine making it and I'm not a batter eater, thank goodness, so it'll be once it's cut into at the party that it will start seducing me.

There will be lots of other things - salads, meatballs, baked ziti, wings, veggie dishes, fruit and raw vegetables with dip, other desserts.  It is absolutely possible to attend and not overdo it.  In fact, I've even considered staying for the first hour, which is 2 people telling their aa stories, and then leaving so as not to be tempted.  I hate to do that, but I am not to be trusted around groaning boards of truly good food.   I know that my firm resolve today will avail me nothing when I'm staring down the barrel of this food explosion on Sunday.  My husband will come with me and I wish I could tell him to "not let" me dive in head first, but HAH!  I'd throw him under a bus if he tried to intervene.  Plus, he would never agree to it because he's been thrown under THAT bus before.

The 2nd gathering will be smaller and 4 hours later by eating time, but still with good stuff.  I'm very involved at both these meetings so to not go at all would be, hmmm... as I type I'm thinking that it would be fine.  If I was sick or out of town I couldn't/wouldn't go.   I really don't know what I'll end up doing, but after having such a successful week and feeling so good about it, the thought of backsliding makes me sad.  If I stay for the food, I don't know if my resolve will hold to not overeat.  Maybe I can stay for the food part at one meeting and not the other.  This is where honesty and acceptance are so key.  And self awareness. 

There are probably some of you who think I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but it feels like a real dilemma.  I know how to do the right thing.  I know I can.  But will I?  Am I willing?

Well - your thoughts, as always, are helpful and informing.  Those of you who've read me awhile know I've been struggling and am just now starting to climb out from the abyss of overeating and regaining.  You also know my history of disordered eating.  If you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it, because I NEED HELP! GUIDANCE!  BLOGGY INSPIRATION!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Weigh in eve

Another good day yesterday.  It's funny - when I wrote the perky post, I was full of energy (recall lofty goal of kicking up exercise a couple notches from Tuesday), but when I got home from work I felt like a dishrag.  Instead I was kicking around the idea of not doing anything (wittle me was tired), but my inner sane healthy voice said, "Tough.  You're doing it one way or another."  Knowing I would likely make it the minimum 20 minutes I have as one of my Hottie goals if left to my own devices, I called a friend who was happy to join me.  And because we got yakking, we walked over 45 minutes at a good brisk pace, covering just over 3 miles.

Today it's raining and predicted to continue all day, so I have my gym bag packed and am finally going there again after many weeks.  A few minutes ago as I looked out a window and saw the bleak dreary rain, visions of the comfy couch, the remote and my book came into my mind's eye...hmmm, maybe I'll skip the stupid gym...Again.  Tough!  No way.  I'm going to have a 100% achieved weekly goal this week if it kills me, which it won't. 

#1 son is going to the Flyer's game tonight, so I put hubby on notice that we're having a big salad with chicken strips and roasted veggies for dinner.  He loves that kind of meal.  Unlike me, as he's gotten older, he eats less than he used to.  He's very disciplined, an ex Army helicopter pilot who is 6 feet tall and weighed 155 pounds for the first 20 years of our 28 year marriage.  He runs every single day unless he's sick.  Used to do marathons.  In the last 8 years he's put on about 10 pounds (and looks sexier with less angles to his face!), but still, I've outweighed him for most of our marriage, except the first 5 years.  Anyway - He's happy to eat whatever I fix, but tonight's dinner will be right up his alley.  Then he'll have ice cream with butterscotch still my heart.

Wish me luck at the gym.  I'm still due some free personal training sessions since joining the full gym rather than the abbreviated membership I had in the beginning, so I'm going to look into that today.  Hottie update tomorrow and the close encounter with the scale god.  And that, good friends, is all there is today.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Woot!  2 good days in a row.  Yesterday even better than day before because my exercise was KICKASS!  I feel so much lighter - not in pounds (wouldn't know as not weighing), but in mood and spirit.  My first waking thought today wasn't regret and remorse.  Going for Day 3.  Gorgeous cool weather today so should be able to kick up a couple of notches from yesterday, when I had a sweat ring around my neck that extended well into my cleavage.  Oh, tmi you say?  Sorry.  Just trying to paint a nice sweaty picture!  Hubby will be gone at the dinner hour tonight so I'm going to fix something healthy and yummy for #1 son and myself.  And I wouldn't eat a meal out this week for all the tea in China...I don't want to mess up my Hot 100 goals and report this Friday.

That's all from me today - don't you love my abbreviated posts as opposed to those loooooooong ones!  It's mainly because my mind feels like a vast wasteland today - empty of all but crabby negative thoughts related to my job.  I was going to rant about it here, but to what end?  So the mature version of myself decided to be brief and stick to the facts for at least this day.  Tomorrow, who knows!?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hangin' in

I had a very good day yesterday - stayed in my calorie limit with 100 to spare, got in a good walk and did some food prep for the week, finishing some of what I'd started Sunday.  I don't want to get all profound on you guys, but I've discovered that doing good feels good.  I woke funk free today, knowing I'd logged a binge free and on-plan day.  I think it helped me to write about it all here as well.  I'm planning on a rerun of yesterday today.  Of course I'm always planning for a good day and it's the late afternoon hours that I start to waffle (sorry for food reference =) ).  I started the day out asking, via prayer, for the strength to feel my feelings rather than eating them away.  And for the strength to just say no when the food monkey on my shoulder tries to coax me to stuff something in and down.

Someone in the comments yesterday noted that a few things I'd said lately made her wonder if I'm diabetic.  The answer is no - I was prediabetic 1 1/2  years ago (fasting blood sugar over 100 but still "normal"), but losing weight from my all time high of 234 down to the 192 I got to last October corrected that and my last test was normal, both fasting glucose and HgbA1C.  Now that was last done in March of 2010, and I've gained 12-14 pounds since then (depending on the day) that I'm valiantly trying to lose.  However, in November of 2009, all my numbers were normal, and I was about 205 then, close to my current weight.  It's a delicate line to walk once you've been in that prediabetic range and I know I need to be vigilant.  I also know that keeping my act cleaned up is the best defense again the Type 2 plague.

One question - do any of you have any special suggestions for jazzing up plain Greek non fat yogurt?  I do fruit alot, (frozen now that berries and peaches are out of season, and the canned crushed with juice pineapple), but I'm always up for new ideas to make it fresh and new.  The yogurt is such a great punch of 22 gms of protein per cup, so I like to have it everyday.  Of course, the jazzing up shouldn't include any processed sugar items or high fat.  I could come up with plenty of that stuff myself.

Have a good day all.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Caution: Whining ahead

It's 10:15 a.m. and I'm just finishing my morning coffee.  I took the morning off from my AA meeting today and hung stayed home getting stuff done before coming to work.  I was so into chores and tasks that it got late sooner than I realized and I hadn't even taken a shower, so the last half hour at home was a whirlwind of shower, blow drying my increasingly non-existent hair and getting out the door.  Once at work I kept thinking, "Why am I so fuzzy brained and sleepy?"  It dawned that I hadn't gotten my usual 20 oz hit of coffee at 6:30!  I ran out to the local Swiss Farms drive-thru for a cup and am beginning to emerge from coma.

My fuzziness may also be due to my funkiness - after having a nice weekend, I just didn't want to work today.  Poor me.  The weekend weather was lovely - cloudless days, slight nip in the air and leaves beginning to turn color.  I didn't exercise on Saturday because I stayed busy with friends, family and errands, but on Sunday I got a 4.5 mile walk in.  Today will do the same, whether I want to or not.  I haven't been to the gym in about a month, favoring the long power walks outdoors instead, but intend to go this week a few times to get back into that groove.  It's a very expensive gym I belong to to not be using it regularly, and since I'm locked in until March, I need to get back there.  I have some resentment about how a couple things were handled there, but I'm hurting no one other than moi by not going.

My funk is not major - I'm not depressed, but I am so tired of struggling with eating thoughts and desires.  My food was pretty good this weekend, but in my mind continually have been thoughts of food and bingeing.  It feels like I'm fighting it constantly right now.  Maybe because I'm not giving in as much.  But I'm not being perfect, for sure.

What comes to mind for me is something that Bar Mitzvahzilla said to me one day in a comment.  Her words have haunted me, and I need to thank her - which I will after I finish writing this post.  She's had over 10 years now of freedom from food obsession and compulsion.  She's been a kind supporter of me, gently responding when I make blanket statements about my brand of eating disorder.  Awhile back, after I'd written about this same thing...the ongoing urge to eat when I'm NOT hungry, she said "No one has to live like that."  BOINK!  Hit me hard. 

The reason it hit me hard is that it's true.  I know this because of my recovery from alcoholism.  My early months of not drinking were pretty hard because the obsession to drink didn't go away immediately.  For me it took abut 9 months.  For some, the obsession lifts immediately.  For others it can be years.  This is similar to any addictive substance, including food btw.  It's why addiction is such a bear of a disease - whatever your substance/s of choice is/are - addiction has been likened to a monkey that sits on your shoulder and calls to you continually.  "Come on, one more time.  You know you want to...".  It's tough.   

Living inside an obsession for a substance is really difficult.  It keeps harping at your conscious mind over and over, insistent for attention.  For capitulation.  It probably sounds like an excuse to say that sometimes just giving in to the substance is the fastest quickest way to turn off that insistent obsession.  And therein lies the problem.  So to hear Bar Mitzvahzilla say "no one has to live like that" powerful and TRUE.  There are options for me that I've talked about - a 12 step food program of one kind or another.  Perhaps a frontal lobotomy?  Jaw wiring?  I don't want to be a person who needs that (insert sound of toddler banging spoon on high chair tray).  ME NO WANNA!!! WAH WAH.  But I know there is a way out that works.  I've tried using my AA tools with food ---wait.  No, I haven't really.  I live those tools as they pertain to alcohol, which hasn't called to me in many years.  But I haven't truly applied them to food.  My food addiction is a different animal than my alcoholism - and has been with me since I was a little girl, at some level.

I don't always have the obsessive food thoughts when I'm eating clean.  Or they aren't as insistent and I CAN distract myself.  Yet over the weekend thinking of eating was always at the core; below my other interactions and activities.  It's ridiculous.  It feels mean.  Leave me alone binge thoughts!

So far today I haven't had any of them and I'm grateful.  It's a lot easier to ignore a sleeping dog than one who's snarling and growling at you.  But a lot times it seems I poke the sleeping dog with a stick when I don't mean to, and he starts in again, mocking me, tempting me.  And it just occurred to me that the obsessive thoughts are somehow protecting me from tender feelings I'd rather not feel but am unaware of.  How complex it all seems.

I apologize to all of you who've heard me rag on about this over and over. It's where my head is today.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On a lighter note, next week I'm attending a conference on Monday instead of coming to work, then working only Tuesday and Wednesday before flying down to Atlanta for a long weekend to see my baby (the 22 y/o college senior) and in-law family.  I'm also going to FINALLY meet in person the dear Tammy, of From Fat to Fab!  I'm really excited that this is finally going to happen.  We've talked about it and planned for it several times.  This time is a definite as my ticket is paid for and I'm not wasting that money!  And for those perceptive readers who know that I get antsy and nervous about being with the beautiful thin in-law family and wonder if that is playing a role in my eating thoughts...yeah - probably so. 

Thanks for seeing this post through to the end, if you did.  Hopefully I'll be perky and upbeat tomorrow.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Apple NOT of my eye

Though a weigh in isn't part of my update (I've learned that joining a challenge and including a certain number of pounds to lose as a goal is a sure fire guarantee that I won't lose said amount, at best.) I am weighing in on Fridays.  I realize how important it is to not let little gains turn into bigger ones.  Last week I was blindsided and horried to see 214.5 on the scale.  Today was 210.  Yes - that's a nice loss, but truth be told, I weighed 210 on Monday as well.  Dropped the top end of that horrific 7.5 pound gain quickly as I expected I would, and then sort of stayed in the same place the rest of the week.

I'm sure I was lower at points during the week - I had a day with queasiness and other GI issues and my food intake was way down.  My food was pretty good most of the week.  But I did something stupid last night.  I was asked to speak at an AA meeting, and the person who asked also wanted to take me to dinner to thank me for taking the commitment at the last minute.  I KNEW I shouldn't say yes the night before my weekly Scale Tribunal.  But my clothes were feeling looser, and I thought I could get away with it and still be down a couple from Monday.  NOT. 

We went to PeiWei (or Salty Mediocre Cheap Changs, as I call it), which I don't like all that much.  I'd had a huge salad for lunch so didn't want their chopped salad with chicken that would clearly be the healthiest, leanest and least salty choice.  So I got Ginger Broccoli chicken with brown rice.  I left most the rice, which probably would have served me better than eating the salty sorta sweet sauce coated chicken.  I can feel my puffiness in my fingers.  Guess what is being added to my goals for next week?  No eating out night before weigh in.  Plays with my head too much.

Week 2 Hottie Update:
1.  Limit calorie intake to 1700/day  - I got 4 out of seven on this.  Better but not good enough.
2.  Exercise at least 20 mins 6 days a week - also 4 out of 7.  See commentary to #1.
3.  100% ccountability and honesty with my reporting every Friday.  Yes.
4.  Weekly weigh in only - Fridays.  Already confessed I weighed Monday - felt like a necessity because of HG (horrific gain) last week.  Sounds like an excuse.
5.  Stay in challenge till the end.  No dropping out.  Still here.  Not goin' anywhere.
Definitely a better showing than last week, but still a C- effort at best. Trend is going in the right direction.
And I'm adding not eating out the night before weigh ins.

I forgot about something weight and size related that happened this week until I started writing today.  Monday afternoon I went to Kohls to get some new clothes.  Last year at this time I was in many 14s, and 16s.  I haven't even bothered trying to insert myself into the 14s this fall, but I did with the 16s, and they fit fine everywhere EXCEPT the waist band and "spare tire" region.  I could get them zipped but would risk crushing vital organs if I kept them on more than 45 seconds.  Siiiigh.  I'd jettisoned all 18s I'd been wearing PDQ upon fitting into smaller sizes,  assured I would "never go back".

At Kohls I hurriedly found some 18s that seemed fine and ended up buying 3 pairs.  Well.  The next day I wore the first pair to my 7 a.m. meeting, intending to wear them to work.  By the time I got out of the car at the meeting, the legs of the pants looked like lounge pajamas - baggy and billowing over my thighs and rear end.  Just ridiculous.  YET...the waist was okay - not baggy, not lose.  After the meeting I dashed home, took them off, found 16s from last year I hadn't previously tried that fit fine and off I went.  Upon returning home, I tried on the other 2 new pairs, and clearly they were going to be the same way.  So they're going back when I have time.

And here's where today's post title comes in.  You've heard it before from this 55+ girl (no way I'm claiming womanhood right now!) - I was a pear shape my whole life.  I hated being a pear.  I never had a small waist, but my hips and across my thighs were definitely pear-esque...not the stick figure limbs of an apple shape.  But since menopause, my body has reproportioned and changed how it stores weight.  From the bra band through the aforementioned spare tire region is where it goes.  The girlish pear chapter has ended.  Caput.  And now I wonder why the hell I hated being a pear.

The weight I've gained back from last year's 192 has all solidly and stubbornly applied itself to my middle parts, and it's a pain in my flat ass.  Yes, flat.  I used to have a bit of a butt.  Now it's mostly - um, still there but lower?  Probably not gone.  Aging aint for the feint of heart.  But I'll certainly take it over the alternative :).  Funny, I don't much like raw apples to eat (unless slathered with caramel or peanut butter, so no), but I really hate to be an apple.  Actually it's more like having a sort of boxy body - I'm not wider at the middle that above and below; rather about the same. 

That's it for me today.  TGIF, as always.  I hope next week is as much of an improvement as this week has been, because I'll be that much more back on track.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Head game

No matter what I write about here, I always end up feeling better and more normal after reading your comments.  Even about the weird blogroll stuff on my work default setting is to think that I have somehow screwed it up, done something wrong or stupid, or simply deserve to have my technological wonders go wonky.  Hearing that others of you experience the same stuff really is normalizing.  How sad is that???  Well, it's sad, but it's also great to have a community of friends to validate and set me straight!  Sad that  I think I'm at the core of anything askew in my periphery...which I generally don't except when it comes to things about which I have little understanding, much less expertise (read all things computer related).

First thing I have to mention is :

How 'bout them Phillies and Roy Halladay pitching only the second no-hitter in MLB history (the first being in 1956)?  Pretty exciting.  I admit to being a fairweather fan - I'm only mildly interested in any local team until they make it to post season play.  Last night, though, I watched the whole thing with hubby and son - startling again and again as they whooped and hollered over various plays throughout the game.  (I admit I had a book open in my lap and watched the pages during the first few innings.)  Anyway - fun to be in a city where something big is happening for any of its sports teams.

My food was good yesterday, and we finally came out from under rain clouds, affording the opportunity for an hour long walk after work - about 3 miles.  (Slow pace when I think of Shelley running 12 minute miles throughout her first 10 mile run last Saturday - awesome, Shelley!)  Nonetheless, the walking FELT brisk and energizing and cleared out the cobwebs that had formed over the rainy days before. 

This morning after I got to work, I quickly became aware of binge thoughts - wanting to eat something completely off my "plan" that would inevitably send me down the garden path to food frenzy.  I have no idea where it came from or why, but I ate my non-fat Greek yogurt with fruit, and just realized the thoughts have passed.  But their presence in my psyche this morning tell me I better be on alert later, lest they return with a vengeance.  Tomorrow is weigh day and if nothing else helps me "postpone the behavior", that will.  I don't want to cloud the results of the much better week I've had.

But isn't that thinking goofy?  Whatever the scale says tomorrow does not define the week I had - I know that and yet I still fall into that thinking automatically.  "If my weight is not what I expect it should be, I guess I really didn't have a good week afterall!"  Self defeating thinking at best, and totally inaccurate.  This reminds me of a time I changed the batteries in my scale - probably 2 years ago before I was blogging.  I'd been puzzled by the numbers it was giving me for a few days, and then one morning I got on and saw the number - and then watched it slowly drop down, digit by digit.  Wow - if weight loss was only that easy!  Anyway, it occurred to me that something was amiss (nothing gets past me) so I flipped over the scale to read what battery(ies) it needed and got some that day.  Immediately my "fortune teller" was back on track, giving me only one accurate number daily! 

All of this talk illustrates clearly that so much of this weight loss and exercise and monitoring is largely a head game.  My eating disorder is greatly affected by my faulty thinking.  Or is faulty thinking a component of my eating disorder?  It doesn't matter.  Whatever it is, I have it and I have to deal with it.  And I'm trying.

So after that last small paragraph of wisdom and reasonability, I will refrain from noting that tomorrow is the all important weigh in and week 2 Hot 100 recap.  Because I had a better week.  No matter what that gleaming hunk of metal says!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Just a quickie this morning.  For the last 2 days on my work computer, my blog and blogroll haven't stayed in current time, if that makes any sense.  I've tried everything from a simple log off to rebooting, and my blog roll still had everyone's Monday posts all day yesterday, and nothing changed from about 11 a.m. Monday.    Everything else on the computer seemed fine, so I couldn't get tech help because of the blog glitch since I keep this blog anonymous in my day to day life except kids and husband.  Weird, huh?  I'm thinking it's not a Blogger prob b/c at home everything is normal, but I had all kinds of running around yesterday after work and into the evening so couldn't take time to post or read others'.  Since I don't know what the status will be today I thought I'd at least post and say that I'm hanging in pretty well and doing fine.

I'm having a MUCH better food week this week, thank goodness.  Also, I was supposed to eat out tonight at an Asian Fusion place (read Sodium'R'Us) with a friend in town for a couple of days, but she canceled and I'm glad.  I really don't want to screw up the scale this week with salty boggy water gain.  We've had heavy rain for 2 days, so haven't exercised, but definitely will today.  Overall, I'm feeling optimistic that at least some of the 7.5 gain from last week is gone.

I know I could grind out some other bloggy blather here, but I'm in 'getting out of the house' mode and need to get moving.  But if the computer at work is still being blog unfriendly, I wanted to make sure I got something logged.  Hope everyone is having a good week.  I'm looking forward to reading people's 2nd Hot 100 updates that will be starting today.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Back from the ledge

Thank you, thank you, thank you all of you wonderful bloggy friends for your restrained kind comments, support and love to my poor-pitiful-despicable-moi post yesterday.  Thanks for not listening when I said I didn't want to hear support and kindness and compassion.  Thanks for not asking me to leave blogdom because I'm a poster child for "Don't Let This Happen To You".  Thanks for giving me some gentle cheerleading even though I told you not to.  Because even though I was feeling lower than an earthworm's tummy, I desperately wanted and needed to know I was/am still accepted and welcomed here.  As always, this amazing blog community gave me what I needed and much more.  I'm starting to feel about blogging the same way I feel about AA:  "How do people live without this?"  Thankfully I don't have to wonder for myself, because I have it.  A place at the table with the rest of you.  (Let's think "conference table" rather than "kitchen table", given my current status!)  Words are truly inadequate to express my gratitude, and I feel all the more desiring to offer the same back to all of you.  That's how it works, huh?

I'm feeling better today.  Had a clean day yesterday with eating.  Stayed just under my 1700 cal. max for the day, thereby resisting the urge to restrict or starve so as to blast off the offending extra pounds muy pronto.  Drank lots of water and got an hour of exercise.  Told myself to stop being crabby with other people just because I gained 7 1/2 pounds in a week.

Also, this morning I did something different from my usual Saturday routine.  Yes - I went to my meeting at 7 am.  Yes- I went afterward and sat with friends at a lovely little cafe to chat and laugh our asses off.  But instead of eating at the cafe where the fare is delicious but limited (and always involves carb laden bread), I ate at home prior - having my oatmeal and then some plain Greek 0% yogurt with some pumpkin and a couple of splendas stirred in.  So my cafe intake was limited to coffee and the water in my own water bottle.  Saved $ and calories.  And the potential craving that could arise from eating bread - even organic 100% whole wheat bread.

It's a gorgeous fall day - crisp and bracing, so I will definitely get a long walk in at some point and not have to wring the sweat out of my clothes after.  My motivation right now is bring to mind the clear picture of the scale verdict from yesterday.  Unacceptable and frightening.  But better motivation will be wanting to continue to feel the way a few clean days invariably cause me to feel - good, clear headed, lighter of mood and full of hope and optimism.  Motivation to avoid the bad is much less compelling and effective than desiring and striving for the good.  I've proven that to myself a zillion times.  But for now, the vision of the horrific weigh in is doing just fine.  As I said, I'm afraid of myself and my potential for self destructive eating.  And I don't want to feel the emotional destitution and fear that comes from the out of control eating. 

Thanks again - I'm going to be checking in every day here for awhile, so if I don't, I'm probably hiding something or struggling.  Staying out in the open is essential for me - as they say - we're as sick as our secrets.  I'm totally sick and tired of being sick and tired.  So see you manana.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Scared Straight

When I first stepped on the scale this morning, I was stunned.  Immediately following, I thought I couldn't possibly post the real number that appeared.  People will stop reading my bullshit.  I'm not getting this together.  I've done nothing but struggle, maintain or gain since February.  I'm closing the blog and ignoring emails asking if I'm okay.  It's an old strategy of mine...crawl into a hole and disappear when I'm floundering.  Go AWOL for a abit.  Because I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I feel like a total head case.

The first sign that I'm emotionally and mentally healthier than I used to be is that I'm going to do the opposite of each of those things I wrote about above.  I am going to post my real weight up to the tenth of a pound.  I was 214.5 today.  Last Friday I was 207. On Wednesday morning (the morning after the 2nd consecutive day of my close encounter with donuts and other assorted toxins) I weighed 210.  Yes, even if it's partly water weight, it's real weight.

I knew I'd had a bad week.  4 out of the 7 days were overeating extravaganzas, and not in a good way.  No exercise since Sunday.  Some changes on the home front that are good, but stressful nonetheless.  I worked hard at keeping my denial strong and intact...not consciously.  Not deliberately.  But looking back I see it clearly and also recognize other indications of me being way off my beam. 

I haven't wanted to go to my morning aa meeting.  Very unusual.  And guess what has been behind that - and I was aware of this all week - my clothes don't feel good, they're a little snug - it's been too hot to cover up in long pants and long sleeve shirts and the summer stuff feels stale, and SNUG.  I missed 2 mornings this week.  I've felt fat, ugly and out of control.  But still saying to myself that probably I was doing more okay that I thought.  Despite the midweek gain that I thought I could turn around by Friday (and could have if I'd worked at it).  This is kind of scary. 

I am going to update my Hot 100 goals because we are supposed to do it once a week.
1.  Limit calories to 1700/day.  With tracking for accountability.   * I did this one day only.  Last Friday.
2.  Exercise at least 20 minutes 6 days/week.  *I did 3 out of 7.  One day I did an hour and 20 minutes.  30 the other 2.  Nothing after Sunday.
3. 100% accountability and honesty with my reporting here every Friday.  *Yes. Believe me, I wouldn't make this shit up.
4.  Weekly weigh in only on Fridays.  *I already confessed that I weighed Wednesday morning because of the donut debacle.  Turns out it didn't help, huh?
5.  Stay in this challenge through the end regardless of my adherence to or accomplishment of goals.  No dropping out.    *I'm still here.

I don't ever want to have another update like this one.  Of course my weight jolted me this morning...I was preparing myself for 210 or 211.  Can't even describe seeing that number this morning.

And so I say I'm scared straight.  Cutesy title; sincere in this moment.  And all day, for that matter.  I believe I can have a clean food day today and will be exercising after work.  But I'm really shaken up at a deep level, because I'm afraid of myself and my food addiction now.  It's raging, and I'm not sure why.  With alcoholism, there is the disease concept that says you may never know why.  But if you have the disease, you better deal with it or ultimately it will take you out.  I can list the stressors, reasons, excuses.  But the bottom line is this week I've wanted unbridled eating more than I've wanted to lose weight.  I know that.  I just am not sure how to get my deep desire for leanness and fitness back. 

I'm in a foxhole now, so complacency is not an option.  But I get back to 207 in a few days, and will I fall down again into wanton eating?  I know the desire to do that will return, because it always does.  I know I don't have to give in because there have been many times I haven't.  But this week I sure gave in.

That's about it for now.  I want to tell people to not give me cheerleading encouragements assuring me that I can do it, that I'm worth it, that they're behind me supporting me and have faith in me.  I know it's all true, but how many times does one person have to be cheered on, reassured and have her wounds soothed?  UGH.  I'm not shutting down the blog and I'm not giving up.  I know I'm worth it.  I deserve to be free from food obsession.  I know all this.  I just don't know how to get my desire back.