Monday, December 19, 2011

Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda

Hi friends - Once again I'm starting out with...apologies? laments? excuses?...for not having posted in so long.  I offer none of that today - rather I will say that I'm not feeling my own blog right now because I'm not making any real progress on my weight loss goals.  I'm maintaining at 208, which isn't where I want to be, but I am lacking the motivation at this less-than-a-week-before-Christmas to get back to carb or calorie counting, journaling, tracking or any of the other good habits I know I must incorporate daily to get back to losing.  The one thing I continue to do with no problem is exercise...that's a good thing!

As Stuart Smalley sagely noted in the movie Stuart Saves His Family (which is a hilarious Al Franken movie about a character, originally seen on SNL, who is in 3 different 12 step programs and pokes fun at the whole recovery movement), I'm "shoulding" all over myself these days.  But what I'm shoulding on myself about isn't those aforementioned good practices necessary for consistent weight loss.  Rather I'm "shoulding" that I "should" feel motivated even though it's the holiday season; that I "should" avoid holiday snacks, treats, and the general feedbag I tie on around this time; that I "should" make a command decision to avoid all the succulent baked goods I whip up every year, for "giving away" as well as for my family (read: mostly me).  But my "shoulding" of myself feels obligatory because I'm not really all that twisted up over my weight loss ennui.

As I just reread that paragraph, it sounds as though I'm in a place of despair about where I am right now.  Actually, I'm not, and even that is fodder for self "shoulding".  I "should" be upset with myself right now because I'm just not going to be strict and restrictive with myself at this point.  But I'm simply not upset with myself.  I have 2 of my 3 kids home now with the 3rd scheduled to arrive late afternoon on Wednesday.  The kids are good; hubby and I are good; my job is bothering me less than usual; I love my friends and feel loved by them.  I don't love my weight, but it's been a lot worse.  I'm not eating with reckless abandon, because trust me that if I was - I'd not be weighing a lithe 208!  I'm feeling content in the present moment.  A glance into the near future assures me that I DO desire to resume my tried and true weight loss behaviors - but not 6 days before Christmas.

This sounds like a long apologetic masquerading as an excuse to put off resuming REAL weight loss effort until January 2, and maybe it is.  But it's the truth right now, and I guess that's why I'm not blogging much - no fantastic success to report.  Or even average success.  I miss blogging more regularly, though I'm reading the same blogs I have been for several years, plus a few new ones.  I know I'm not alone where I am now, but I also see that when I read blogs where people are floundering and feel a touch of sadness for or judgement of them - I'm experiencing those same emotions for myself.

So - things are good except my weight.  I plan to hit the ground running January 2, or maybe even first, and I hope to not put on any more pounds prior that have to be lost before I can hopefully begin my final trip down below the 2nd century in Onederland.  And when the spirit moves me to just say no to a tray of cookies being passed under my nose - believe me I will say that no and be grateful.  But eventually, if I really want what I profess to want - to lose 50 pounds - things will have to change substantially.  In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the family, my friends and the season, and keep reading here even if I'm not posting regularly.  It feels like I have a revamping building inside me - but at a glacial pace.

In case I don't post again before the 25th, I wish everyone a Merry, or a Happy, or a Blessed whatever it is for which you feel gratitude and find peace in these last days of 2011.  We really should endeavor to count blessings and take note of all for which there is to be grateful.  Healthy shoulding at its best!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Low carb = Low crabbiness

Best day of the week...FRIDAY

Best time of the best I'm walking through the parking lot to my car to drive away from the grind.  Only about 2 hours away from the collision of these bests and I'm ready.  My job has gotten busier and busier, and I'm actually called to be a REAL NURSE more often than I used to be!  I guess that is equivalent to job security, so I'm not complaining - but weekends are simply divine.  So are week and a half breaks for holidays, which will be coming up soon, and helps remind me I'm not as real of a nurse as I used to be when I worked many holidays in hospitals.  I feel immensely fortunate to have a M-F work week, and the cushy hours of 8:30-3:30. 

Work isn't the only reason I've been out of pocket - actually I've been in pocket, but out of my blogging routine, as has been the case for quite awhile.  I'm not feeling the blog as much these days, but I am feeling - and reading - my favorite blogs, and commenting frequently.  I've been in a knitting frenzy - making socks for Christmas gifts, and a reading frenzy as well.  Where I used to blog as my main method for goofing off at work, I'm now doing either of the above, or playing Words With Friends with friends.  And my 2 daily crossword puzzles are as essential to my well being as my morning coffee.

Anyway - I'm doing well with low-carbing.  I've been taking a day off about every 6th day, but my overall yield is apparently okay as I'm down to 204.  Or it was, before I decided to take a day off yesterday and went rather overboard.  Hmmm, can you spell  d-e-e-p-e-n-d-e-d  it?  Today I'm back on trying to stay at 25 carbs for the day to set the ketosis back into play.

Low carb eating really suits me - everytime I really do it for awhile, I see that it is the best plan for me.  For one thing, I don't have to count calories, and unless I'm being ultra strict, like today, I don't even count carbs.  I know what I can and can't eat to keep my body in the fat-burning mode afforded by low carb eating.  Think liberal Atkins Induction or Phase 1 South Beach - I have monster salads with blue cheese, avocado, bacon bits, olives and the olive oil for dsg with a little of the green olive juice instead of vinegar (though I like vinegar but this is a bit, salty), and by not eating junky carbs I don't retain water at all.  It's going well for now.  I make no promises of not indulging in some forbidden fruit (no pun intended as it won't be fruit!) at Christmas, but I truly don't feel deprived, or even hungry that often, on this plan.  Why oh why do I stray?  Oh yeah, I'm an addict.

I actually rejoined my cadillac gym, dubbed as such by me due to the ridiculous monthly fee, on a month to month basis rather than an annual contract.  It's actually more expensive that way, but if I start NOT using it, I don't have to wait until the contract expires.  I plan to use it through the winter, esp. when there is snow and/or ice on the ground, because this gal will not be taking chances walking on icy patches after a serious fall last year where I sustained a nasty head injury.  Thankfully it was mainly a huge hematoma (about the size of 1/2 an orange on the back of my head where I hit), but it scared the sh*t out of me.  So indoor walking and jogging for me this year.

I'm thrilled to pieces that all 3 of my kids will be home for the holidays.  We haven't been together for 2 years (besides briefly at a weekend wedding in Kentucky last June, but Jean was in the wedding so we really didn't get to just hang out in our little nuclear nest), so it should be great.  It'll also be busy and chaotic, as all 3 will likely have boy/girl friends coming for short stints, as well as just friends.  This weekend I'm going to get the decorations going.  I'm holding off on baking for obvious reasons - for at least another week.  It's hard to resist the plethora of homebaked stuff.  Especially cookies.  I'm a cookie freak - always have been.  Would take quality cookies over cake or pie anytime.

That's it for now.  I wanted to post, but there is a mondo salad staring at me, screaming to be eaten.  So off I go.  Have a great weekend.