Saturday, August 28, 2010

Weekend update

I had every intention of posting yesterday but got busy at work and didn't stop running around after I got home either.  Part of the running around was actually walking...I got a 3.5 mile walk in yesterday and Thursday, which felt great.  I hope to walk later today as well, but am experiencing some knee stiffness that seems to randomly occur now that I know officially that I have arthritis in both knees.  Knowing that it's legitimate and not my mind coaxing me to be a lazy ass helps, but it's still annoying that some days the knees feel better than prior to arthroscopies, and other days I feel like I've been stowed in a trunk for a week when I get up from sitting in one place for longer than an hour!  One thing I know for sure (ala Oprah) is that the more I move, the better they feel.  The better I feel all over in fact.

I don't have a lot for today and hubby and I are going to go out and do some shopping for the room redo I have planned to accomplish in 2 short weeks!  But I wanted to report that I lost .5 pounds this week at my Friday weigh in, with which I was more than satisfied.  I'm at 207, which would have appalled me 6 months ago, but I'm grateful now, because I'd been hovering around 210 for several months, and other than the week at the end of June when I ate clean 7 days in a row and got to 203.5, this is the lowest I've been.

I can honestly say that I've had episodes of overeating, but few true binges in the last month, and none this past week.  It seems that if I keep up the exercise and just eat normally, my weight gradually comes down.  If I put real effort in like that last week in June I see big results.  But also I'm getting that if I do too good for too long, in that I restrict everything other than lean protein, fruit and vegetables, eventually I unravel and once I have "forbidden fruit", like a piece of bread, I go bonkers.  By moderating a little more, actually having an occasional sandwich, for example, I am much less likely to feel deprived and ultimately explode into a frenzy of food gorging.  Maybe little changes are happening.

I do desire to ramp up the  weight loss a little so I'm going to establish a FEW specific goals for next week and will post them tomorrow.  They will be realistic and doable and will include tracking every bite I take in.  I haven't done that for a long time and it always helps when I do it.  I might even plan to log my intake on the blog for accountability.

Have a great Saturday fellow bloggers!  I hope the weather is as beautiful where you are as where I am!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thursday things

My dinner at my friend's house last night was great.  She prepared shishkabobs, separating protein and veggies on different skewers to accomodate the different lengths of times they needed under thr broiler.  I would have taken pictures, but recall my battery charger issue.  (It's still nowhere to be found.)  She did some skewers with eggplant slices, green and red peppers, and plums (!); a few other with zucchini and onion, and then others with combo of chicken and lamb.  All the meat and veggies were marinated in some kind of flavored vinegar and seasonings.  Great combo of food served over brown rice.  Talk about healthy!  I would never have thought of using plums, and they were fantastic grilled and eaten with a bite of meat.  I felt totally righteous eating such nourishing and guilt free fare.

I ended up not walking over because it got pretty warm and just walking my dog had sweat rivulets down my neck.  Also the sky was dark and cloudy, threatening rain that never happened.  About an hour after I got home Hubby arrived from his 13 hour drive from Atlanta - limping up the driveway from sitting in the car all day!  Hubby has been a runner all his life and in good shape, but flexibility is not his thing.  He's very sinewy and tight, so being in one position too long really stiffens up his joints.  I called him while he was still on the road to see if I'd need a crow bar to pry him out of the front seat.

Two nights ago I saw this story on the news and just remembered it this morning.  Can you believe this?  Let me know what you think about this latest form of fat discrimination.  I feel so bad for the customer, but she really represented herself beautifully when being interviewed.  But I have to wonder if she went home and cried her eyes out.  I would have.

I really don't have much else for today.  We passed our big licensing yesterday with flying colors, which was a huge relief.  I may gripe and whine about aspects of my job at times, but I feel so fortunate to have a good job that I like and that compensates me fairly.  I love my co-workers and our clients and marvel at my good luck to be a part of the mix here.  If our place was shut down even for awhile, it would be a hardship for a lot of people.  But we are sailing along swimmingly the day after, and will be moving our displaced clients back into their renovated spaces next week.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I have no idea what my "verdict" will be.  The way my "muffin top" is pressing over the top of my capris today makes me a little nervous, but these are small 16s I'm wearing and I'm all scrunched up at my desk.  Today is going to be clean if I have to request general anesthesia to keep me from overeating.  I don't think that will be necessary as I've had a good binge free week thus far, but Leslie is a tricky girl who cannot always predict how the day will transpire in the food realm.  I will get in a long walk this afternoon also, as the day is gloriously mild and clear.

Time to go medicate the masses so am signing off.  Have a good Friday eve. - Oh - And let me know what you think of the story in the link!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wednesday mix

I had a great walk yesterday after work with a friend and our dogs, who are also good friends :)  We probably went about 3.4 miles, and wonder of wonders, it wasn't stifling hot!  I still got sweaty, because I'm a big perspire-er from way back, but it felt so good to not feel drug out and beaten down by oppressive heat.  Never have I been so ready for fall!  This morning on the 7 day weather forecast, it showed another heat wave for early next week - 3 days of low 90's, but at this point we know it's only a matter of time before the seasonal weather shift settles in.

Food was also good yesterday.  I've taken some prep and meal pics but my camera battery is empty and I can't find the little charger gizmo.  I distinctly remember putting it somewhere I couldn't possibly forget so as not to lose it but have no recollection where that place is.  A brain is a terrible thing to lose, lol!  I bought the camera online and am fervently hoping I don't have to figure out how to get another would be drama and time I don't want to spend.  I'm beginning a house cleaning and reorganizing whirlwind because we have company coming in 3 weeks, so hopefully it will turn up as I sort through the myriad piles and stacks that currently cover my dining room table.

Having company coming for a couple days a good way to get things done in the house I've been meaning to do forever.  (Another excellent motivator is having a party.  My kids used to hate when we had big parties because I turned into such a maniacal neatnick, which is opposite of my usual laid back self.)  Hubby will get home tonight from Atlanta and will be excited to see the list of things I've comprised for him to do! 

I have a big list for myself, too - in fact, I'm even thinking of painting the spare bedroom that hasn't been painted since my daughter occupied it years ago.  2 walls are light blue, 2 light green, and all four, plus a couple of built in nooks and alcoves are scuffed, nicked and have residual poster adhesive and picture hanger holes.  The prep work is the most important part, and definitely the least fun.  I wish I could hire a crew to come in and do an overhaul, but I've watched so much HGTV over the last few years I feel we can tackle this project and others without much tension or fuss.  Hope those don't become famous last words!  Rest assured I'll keep you posted on projects, and hopefully post pics, pending locating the aforementioned MIA battery charger.

A friend invited me over for an early dinner today.  I'm really looking forward to it for several reasons.  She is a very healthy eating and told me she's serving shish kabobs with veggies and chicken over brown rice.  Perfect and guilt free for me.  We agreed on no dessert, because if she whips something up I'd feel compelled to eat it.  Also, I'm going to walk to her house which is about 2.1 miles each way.  It's so nice to eat out in a manner that I know won't derail my food plan.  Usually my frequent meals out with friends are in restaurants where I know the sodium content alone will mess up my weight for a day or so.

We're having our big 2nd round licensing at work today, so it's a little tense around here as we make the place look better than it ever does, and follow "rules" set by regulators with unrealistic notions of how to do things in this kind of setting.  I'll be glad when 2:30 rolls around and I can leave the tension and brooding behind.

I hope everyone has a good hump day  Only 2 more days 'til Friday, and it's supposed to be a beautiful weekend that will make next week's 8th heat wave even more annoying!  But summer is definitely on won't be kicking us around too much longer.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Cooling my jets

Thanks for all the good comments yesterday.  The theme that emerged, started by my favorite trendsetter Roxie, was that I was perhaps delusional in the grandiosity of my goalsfor this week.  Who, moi?  Obviously you folks don't know who you're dealing with.  You know me - the gal who has managed to gain 15 pounds since starting a weight loss blog last year!  First I lost it, then slowly backslid.  (How's that for a euphemism...makes it sound like a kids'game...Backsliding by Milton Bradley.)  BTW, for readers who are newer to my blog, I've had some extenuating circumstances that included 2 knee arthroscopies last winter that were buggers from which to recover.  Another "circumstance" is there is too damn much good food out there literally beaconing to me on a daily basis.  Yikes - how I can turn excuses into circumstances is frightening!

I guess maybe my goals for the week were a little lofty, but let me explain a few of things.  First, no bingeing is not a lofty goal.  Neither is walking daily - I do this almost every day anyway, so that isn't really something way out there.  Same with the water drinking - I always have tons of water, so the 96 oz daily goal is what I do anyway.  And as far as giving up sugar and white flour, I'm not doing that yet, though I had none of either yesterday.  That wasn't included in the goals, but my garbled thoughts may have made it seem that way.

But looking back just now, I see that I totally forgot about not eating in front of the tv, and not eating in the car.  I didn't eat in the car yesterday, but I did have dinner in front of the tv because I'm home alone until Wednesday night when hubby returns from taking young son to college.  Obviously I had so many goals I couldn't even remember them all.  So the last two goals are off the table.  And I really appreciate you all gently noting when I get all expansive in my plans and goals, reminding me that too many "rules" can set me up for failure or frustration, both of which can send me smack ass to the refrigerator.

I did not binge or overeat yesterday, and that made me feel great when I woke this morning.  I also did a lot of food prep yesterday afternoon - roasting some veggies, making ratatouille and okra "fries".  I cooked up a whole pack of  Trader Joe's chicken sausage that has 100 calories per link, so I'm well set up with healthy food that I love for the next few days lunches and dinners.  Planning and preparing things ahead of time always helps me keep the nose to the grindstone and the inner binge-er at bay, but so often I'm too lazy to do it.

Today I can't find the neat little blurb I read in a magazine that I wanted to talk about.  I swear I left it on my desk at work, but it's not hear.  If I don't find it today, I'll have to wing it and tell you about it tomorrow.  It was just an interesting piece about investing money in things vs. experieces.  Personally, I like both, but this was a good little think piece.  Hope to share it tomorrow.  Have a good Tuesday, all.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The No Buy List

My no buy list is not to be confused with the No-Fly list for people who have been banned from flying by the NTSB or the FAA or the PTA or the QRST or whoever the hell determines who can and cannot get on a plane these days.  My no buy list is growing, up from the 87,000 items I mentioned last week  At least 3 new items have made the cut over the weekend.  Sigh. 

What is apparent:  simple carbs in the form of crackers, cookies, cakes and even some "healthy" bars are simply dangerous toxins for me...triggering a response very similar to the response an alcoholic has after one drink, or beer, or glass of wine.  It sets up a craving that is virtually impossible to ignore.  I think the phenomenon is both physical and mental, much like booze for an alky.  And in my case, it's all connected.  Alcohol is sugar.  Clearly my body has an atypical and serious response to sugar of any kind, and it isn't going away.  What am going to do about it? 

The thought of giving up sugar for the rest of my life has me visualizing myself writhing in pain and pouting about the unfairness of it all.  But like with alcohol, when one gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, motivation for real change sets in.  I'm so done with feeling like crap about my doughy body.  Dreading getting dressed in the morning for fear the available clean clothes will be snug.  Seeing that my shadow while walking with friends is bigger than theirs.  How ridiculous is that?  I'd rather walk alone so that doesn't become apparent to my walking partner du jour.  Like they don't look and me and recognize I'm heavier than they are, which equals bigger in most cases.  This weight/eating thing is always in my head, informing me on an hourly basis about my self worth, when really my weight doesn't determine my human qualities at all.  But it does determine what I do and don't do when I'm feeling bad about my size.

My weight is up down one day, up the next.  Repeat ad nauseum.  I lose and gain the same pounds eternally, it seems.  Once I leave out the simple carbs and all sugar (and probably white flour), I just lose gradually, once the initial few days of physical withdrawal pass.  Then the smouldering feelings get fanned and start to insert themselves into my conscious mind and heart.  This is just like what happened when I got sober...after leaving booze out for awhile, things started surfacing that I hadn't experienced before, like cramps, vague unidentifiable anxieties.  When I continued to NOT drink, the vagueness was supplanted by fear, emotional pain, sadness.  This is why relapse is so common...reality starts to feel sharp and painful when it's edges aren't blurred and soften by a little drinky poo or 2.  Or 10. 

Obviously it's the same with food.  I've said all that I'm saying here before.  I get it - the process of the addicitve peace.  I also get recovery - when it comes to alcohol.  But this food thing really has me in its grip, and the only way out is to omit from my eating repertoire all foods I know will set me off.  And referring to me seeing myself writhing in pain and unfairness over giving up sugar, I KNOW I only have to do it a day at a time, just like I gave up alcohol.  In the tough 12 step program for food I did 3 years ago resulting in fast and substantial weight loss while eating plenty of low carb food, they used to say "I came for the vanity but stayed for the sanity".  I do want to lose weight for vanity - to look better, be able to love buying clothes again, get compliments and sense people's admiration.  The sanity part has evaded me because like with booze, it's easy to not feel "insane".  But doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results on an almost daily basis is pretty insane.  At least in this area.

I'm going for a binge free week, # 1.  Also, 92 oz. of water daily, at least.  Walking 4 out of the next 5 days (or trip to the gym if weather bad), and no eating in the car or in front of the tv.  (I'm home alone, so that can be tempting and allow for ingestion of much more food than when I'm paying attention.)  And these goals are for today through Thursday, as Friday is the final weigh in for Tammy's challenge. 

I had a neat article I was going to write about today, but the above is what poured out.  More of what you've heard before, but I know I'm going to get this one day, and I hope it's sooner than later!

Saturday, August 21, 2010


It's so often the way.  I had a good week, a good weigh in, and then fell prey to decided to have a "few" Pringles yesterday afternoon, which I don't even like that much.  My son was watching a movie when I came in from work, and I'd bought a few snack items "for him" as he's leaving tomorrow for Atlanta to return to college for his senior year.  I opened the can of barbecue chips, which are a favorite of his, but he "wasn't hungry", whatever the hell THAT means.  I got myself a couple inches worth of the poser chips, put them on a napkin for civility, and joined him in front of the tv to see if the movie caught my interest.

Roughly 45 seconds later, the napkin was empty as the entire 2 inch stack had been consumed, and wonder of wonders, I wanted more.  MORE???? (think the movie Oliver when he asks the master of the orphanage for another serving of gruel...)  I'm totally embarrassed to report I ate the whole freaking can in a series of  2 inch stacks.  That sort of set a tone for the evening...I had 2 Sargento Lite Cheddar cheese sticks, and then went with the just returned from Chicago hubby for a cheese steak and fries.  We shared the fries, but I'd rather not view the stats on which of us had more of them.  Afterall, they are the best REAL fries this side of the Mississippi.  Then a neighbor and I went for water ice, where we each opted for a confection known as a Misto, which is water ice mixed with frozen custard.  Delicious, like a grainy icy milk shake.  Larges.  And both of us are also largeish.  Oh alright, we're large.  Does the ish change anything?  I'm always trying to soften the truth.

So today I'm back to the drawing board.  Have a long walk scheduled after lunch and am making a farewell dinner for Mark that will be healthy and reasonable.  Salmon, ratatouille, salad.  The Friday p.m. eating does not render me bad, hopeless, weak-willed or doomed.  It just renders me needing to move more and eat less today.  And tomorrow would be good too.  But today can only be done today.

Recall I had a few stumbles last week and still managed a 1.4 pound loss.  All is not lost here.  I'm not trying to convince you of this or even myself.  I know it to be true.  But as I said a couple of days ago and many times before, doing better feels better, and increases the likelihood of more doing better.  It's important to quickly press the reset button and get back on track.  Consecutive days with eating episodes is risky behavior for this gal.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Succumbing to peer pressure

Work is getting in the way of my blogging, and I'm getting pretty steamed about it. 

Truth be told, I live in fear of my computer being hacked into by the GPs of my employer (grand poobahs) and having them see all the time I spend doing important communication work!  Seriously, I think I'm respected and liked here at work and have been an effective and productive team member for 6+ years.  But I do, cough cough, use their time (aka my paid time) for personal crap important communication endeavors and such.  Like the daily Washington Post interactive crossword puzzle and sudoku.  That is usually my lunch activity when I'm not being mindful and intentional about my chewing and swallowing.  Hey!  Maybe THAT'S the reason I'm carrying around some extra poundage.

Okay, now 3 hours after above was written.  Siiiigh.  For my weigh in today for Tammy's End of Summer Challenge, I was down 1.4 pounds!  Yay me - I felt like despite the great graham debacle, I still had a decent week, and apparently I did.  Wednesday and Thursday were both good days (with the graham exception), and I've gotten exercise in at least every other day.  But get this...I had dinner out with friends both Wednesday and Thursday and did not get derailed.

Both of these meals represent radical change in my eating behavior, at least for these meals!  Turns out that both nights I went to Thai places.  The first night I went with a friend who'd never been to the particular restaurant, and besides each getting pad thai, we also split an order of the most delicious steamed dumplings in the world.  They are small and light, with a tiny dash of sweetness, and splitting the order gave us each 3 small dumplings.  Then, I'd eaten a little less than half the pad thai and ended up not eating any more, possibly because my friend stopped at that point and never picked her fork back up!  WTF?  BUT, the silent peer pressure of her dabbing her lips with her napkin at that point and proclaiming stuffedness helped me to leave the rest on my plate too.  Now I could easily have scared the rest of the noodles, but was happy to leave them be and NOT even take them home, because you can bet your Tom Kha soup that I'd have downed it upon walking in the door.

We did stop and get water ice on the way home that was delish and refreshing in the humid heat of the evening.  But once home, the all night diner that is my kitchen was shut down in favor of immediate flossing and brushing to discourage further inhalation of any edible item.

Last night was another Thai place with 3 friends, and we went at 5:30, so got in for the early bird special.  (Good grief, how old AM I?)  Anyway, the deal was soup, appetizer and entree (smaller portions than usual meals) for $10.  I ordered the aforementioned Tom Kha soup with tofu and veggies (amazing), a spring roll, and pad thai again.  I had just finished the soup and the spring roll when the 4th gal arrived late and asked if she had time to eat...she was going to get Pad Thai.  Well, I looked at the portion waiting for me to ingest, and offered it to her.  It was already on the table still hot; she was starving; I was satisfied; and we had to be out of there by  6:30 to go to a meeting.  TADA!!!!  I was done and just drank my huge glass of water while she ate the entree.  Once home I did have a Chobani yogurt, but that was it.  Now this was the equivalent of a bird riding a bicycle.  Unheard of  in the annals of Lesliehistory.  I woke up feeling good that I had no remorse for consuming mass quantities the night before, and even better after the weigh in.  So as my daughter would say, pin a rose on my nose!

This morning I tried something new for breakfast, or rather something old with a new twist (for me).  I was in a rush but knew I needed protein for b'fast because I was feeling hungrier than hungry, so I did a fried egg omelet (too lazy to wash a bowl after beating up the eggs), and in it I put a cut up wedge of Laughing Cow Lite garlic and herb flavor cheese.  It didn't really melt that well, but it was great!  I'm getting back into the LC lite stuff, using some on celery with lunch (but never again on grahams!!!)

So - I was going to post some pics of a couple things for shameless self promotion, but my battery is dead in the camera so it'll have to wait for next time.  Have a nice long walk planned after work, and I'm getting ready to head home as soon as I hit publish bye!  Have a good w/e.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Important Info-graham

I jinxed myself.  That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. 

Recall yesterday I waxed prolific about how well I've been doing?  No binges, good exercise and whatever else I blathered about?  Well last night, a flat object, about 3 inches by 5 inches, kicked my ass.  Had its way with me - and not in a good way!  And after quite a long time of treating me with respect.  Believe it or not, I was blindsighted and dumbfounded by a lousy low fat graham cracker.  I know - it's a sad commentary on Nabisco products, but this is a story that must be told. 

For just about ever - I have been able to enjoy a graham cracker "board" or 2 on occasion and not be triggered or tempted in any way to continue muching through their waxy confines.  I even mentioned a couple of months back how one of my afternoon snacks that felt like a treat and I enjoyed guilt-free was 2 graham cracker boards with a Laughing Cow Lite wedge.  A few naysayers and Gloomy Guses commented after about how it was great that I could eat a couple of graham crackers and not go hog wild because they couldn't.  Awww, too bad.

Well.  Yesterday after dinner (with a clean day up to that point) I had my 2 grahams with LCLite wedge, and SOMETHING HAPPENED.  I didn't sense it at first, but rapidly after swallowing said snack, my mind/mouth started "thinking" about another.  I valiantly told myself to breathe, and to sit through the thoughts.  Self, said I, this will pass and you'll be fine.  But the switch had been flipped to the "ON" position and within about 45 minutes I decided to have "just 2 more".  Right.  You know where this is going.  15 minutes later I was looking at the empty brownish wax wrapper and wondering what the hell happened.  AND THEN I decided to open the last pack in the box, and had 4 more of the 8 that was in there.  I pulled out  4 of them and ran the rest of those grahammy little bastards under the faucet, drowning their sorry savory low fat goodness.  It was the only way.  I had to do it.

That was all I had.  It was ridiculous, but compared to true binges I have known, this was small potatoes, if you'll excuse the food metaphor.  But really.  Where on earth did that come from?  I wasn't antsy, angry, scared or sad.  I was alone, but not lonely.  I think it was the sugar.  Why this particular snack hadn't kicked my ass before is beyond me.  But it is now 87,000th on the list of products blackballed from my pantry.  Sugar for me is, at best, unpredictable.  So when in doubt, leave it out.  There are plenty of other things that I can snack on that don't turn me into a heat seeking food crazed missile.

Oh - also I didn't exercise yesterday.  I walked the dog, but only a mile.  It was so freaking muggy that I just said "screw it" and went home to hold down the couch.  Not long ago I talked about how doing one good thing makes the next good thing more likely.  Likewise doing one lazy wrong thing.  Oh well, it's history now.  The naysayers and Gloomy Guses knew something I didn't - and for all the snarky thoughts I had about those comments, I humbly apologize.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tuesday Ketchup

It feels SOOOOOO good to be even starting a post!  I've been genuinely busy, but didn't intend to take such a long vacay from blogging!  I've managed to read and comment on a few of my 2,000 favorite blogs, and been composing posts in my mind since whenever my last entry was;  but finally putting fingers to keyboard has been hard to work in.  I planned to post yesterday from work (blogging being a most excellent way of goofing off between doing legitimate stuff) but ended up having a day from H - E - Double Hockey Sticks!  I'm the only nurse for 135 clients at this adult day program, and yesterday we had two 911 calls!  We've had one many times - but 2 is new.  In addition to the 2 bona fide emergencies, there were several other Monday mini-dramas unfolding at various points along the day.  I felt like a REAL nurse, instead of the glorified medicine pusher that this job often allows.

Actually, I love when things get hairy and crazy as a nurse.  Reminds me of my days working in hospitals where I routinely utilized skills and nursing judgement for which I was well trained.  It's hard to believe I used to function at such a high and intense level of patient care, and I always loved it.  But it's been 25+ years since my hospital days and I know I'm rusty, if not petrified, when it comes to high tech patient care.  Anyway - days like yesterday put me in mind of how much I love nursing as a profession.  And while I'm glad to no long be in a hospital setting where there are chronic nursing shortages, mandatory overtime and round the clock shift work, I do miss being called to perform at such an optimal level.

Now the above was a tangent upon which I didn't expect to travel!  Whatever.  I've been doing pretty well - a fact belied from my recent absence from blogging.  Usually when I don't post for more than a couple of days, I'm doing the wrong things regarding food and exercise.  But since Friday's weigh in of 208 (a one pound loss for the week), I've done pretty well.  Not perfect, but absolutely no bingeing, which is a big deal for me.   And each day from Saturday on, I've done better.  I got in a 5.5 mile walk Saturday and Sunday, and about 2.2 miles yesterday.  The first 2 were with a friend, and the endless talking really gets my mind off the speedy walking!  Yesterday on my own with the dog, forgetting my ipod, I felt every step, was copiously sweating (an attractive image), and ready to be done.  I'd intended to go much further.  Oh well, it was still a good walk and better than the nothing I could have done!

From yesterday until Thursday (maybe Friday), I'm home alone as youngest son is away with friends at a lake house, and the mister is on a business trip to Chicago.  I'm insanely jealous of the husband because he's staying with our older son who's been living in Chicago for the last year.  Actually son #1 is getting ready to come back and embark on some interesting volunteer work (you'll hear about that in the coming weeks).  He and Tom are going to a Cubs game tonight and hubby is thrilled.  I'd love to be there with them!

Being alone gives me the opportunity to really have the house empty of all crap and junk food, which greatly helps my eating efforts.  Also, I can just make small meals for moi, and not feel compelled to boil potatoes or cook some other starch products for the men folk.  Can you say simplicity?  Love it! 

I've recently started making myself a sandwich that is a throwback to my single and skinny days - this has been my Sunday and my dinner last night.  I'm using the 100% wholewheat sandwich thins, and using 2 tsp of lite mayo, lettuce, a BIG handful of alfalfa sprouts, chopped up scallions, avocado and a slice of swiss cheese.  Here's a couple pics over to the left.  Not only do these taste delicious, but they take me back to 1976 when I was in my optimal state of flat stomached, bikini wearing youthful health!  I'd forgotten about this yummy concoction until I saw sprouts at the farmer's market.  I used to be a sprouts addict!  Hey - I could (and have been) addicted to a lot worse.  Wonder why I got away
from them? 

The other new food thing I just found is at Trader Joe' was being sampled the other day.  It's a clear plastic container with chopped salad - cabbage, carrots, radishes, celery, and probably other stuff cut up in small chunky pieces.  I realize I can do that chopping myself, but since they were sampling this the other day with their Goddess dressing (delicious but calorie excessive so I didn't buy the dsg) I bought some.  It's a great starter for a big yummy salad where I add tomatoes, cukes, scallions, etc.  Here's pic of my salad yesterday, plus some okra fries I tried for the first time ala
KERF.  They were yummy!  I'll be doing more of them this weekend if I can find good fresh okra.  It's not as available in the northeast as in the south, where okra is a part of everyone's backyard garden!
Well, that's about it for me today.  I'm feeling very grateful that for right now, my inner binge-er seems to be lying dormant.  She's in there, for sure - but she's not kicking my ass today and keeping my mind stuck on visions of sugarplums and saltines with butter!  And with a nest that is empty of even the father bird, I think I can have a really good and losing week.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Doing well begets wellness

Blogging is the greatest invention since sliced 100% whole wheat bread - I'm convinced of it.  After my whiny brain dump yesterday - the most recent in a long series - I felt so much better.  Lighter.  (My waist band was still constricting, but my spirit elevated and expanded nicely.)  The magic that results from venting, talking it out, journaling, summoning my dear diary...cannot be measured.  Writing is a solitary endeavor of crawling around the cobwebs in my cranial attic, breaking them up, sweeping them out, then surveying how things look and feel afterward.

But what blogging adds when one is fortunate enough to have some readers is the gift of other mind.  Other mind than mine, that is.  Left to my own devices, I can convince myself of anything.  I can think the dumbest shit my mind offers up to my consciousness is brilliant.  But Other Minds offer fresh perspective, a different viewpoint, even an occasional calling me on my sh*t, which is a very good and helpful addition to my own skewed vision.


I'm happy to report I had an excellent food day yesterday.  No bingeing, no overeating, and no desire for either.  I went home shortly after shoveling out writing that post and felt no urges to overeat.  Or even to have a snack.  I wasn't hungry.  I got hungry by dinnertime several hours later.  It probably seems bizarre that I'd bother to note this here, but this is big rare stuff.  Why some days like that?  Why most days as though I haven't had solid food in 8 weeks?  The zany mystery that is food addiction.  I hate it, but I accept I have it and that I can continue to learn to navigate it without falling headlong into a tub of lard (or turning into one).

Acceptance is such a key piece changing.  It's one thing to recognize clearly that I have strong tendencies to compulsively and addictively overeat.  To convince myself I can wish it away, start again tomorrow and that I can beat this thing through sheer drive and will power.  But accepting it as part of the total Leslie puts me in a place where change is possible.  I've said this all a thousand previous times.  What I haven't said is that just because I accept something doesn't mean I have to like it.  I just need to accept it.  Not liking something doesn't mean it can't be true.  Not accepting it means I'm unlikely to find true change and healing.

I'm just thankful that I got another sane food day under my belt.  One good day seems to increase the liklihood of another.  2 days even moreso.  Doing better begets more doing better.  Eating a piece of bread begets a day of carb loading and the resultant self loathing and disgust that is embodied in the remorse of the next morning.  One clean day begets waking up the next morning feeling a little clearer, more hopeful and less worried about how my pants are going to fit that day.

I plan to report tomorrow that there is another "good" day under my belt, and maybe a little less of the aforementioned lard.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Toxic brain dump # infinity

I'm having a fat day.  I feel fat and doughy and squishy.  And I hate it. 

The waist band on my capris is just tight enough that when I sit down there is a "ring" of flab that extends from just behind my waist on one side all the way around to the other side. Whoever dubbed it "a spare tire" was dead on.  These pants were getting lose-ish on me several months back.  Today they were the only clean act in town the closet (piles of laundry to do this afternoon) so I stepped into them with the greatest of trepidation.  They came up okay, but then the required act of fastening them at the waist became a little dicey.  Happily these pants have a degree of spandex, lycra or some other forgiving fiber that stretches a bit, so I didn't have one of those terrifying moments of, "this is all that's clean and they don't fit!", necessitating yanking pants of the top of the laundry basket and ironing them so they'd look springtime fresh.  When I'm standing and walking around, they feel and fit fine, and the thighs are actually a little lose.  But when I sit, the delusion of "they fit" is over.   Damn.  I'm sick of this.

Interestingly, I know that if I put on a pair of warm up capris and not real fabric ones like I'm wearing, I wouldn't feel the tightness and sense the fat over the top - which is why I need to keep these kinds of pants at the front of the closet (and clean) so I'm not lured into a false sense of "comfort" with my size.  Yesterday  I had a good food day until right after dinner, when the mouth/throat started telling me they wanted something different from what they had just swallowed.  It was a good dinner, plenty of food that tasted yummy.  Low fat, relatively low calorie (quickly thrown together mild 2 bean and turkey chili).  I was satisfied.  Not stuffed or even full.  Satisfied.  But the food thoughts began, and I ate more than I wanted or planned to.  Of the wrong stuff.

We've all heard the adage "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you" related to overeating and overweight.  I can honestly say that my conscious mind is not aware of anything eating away it me right now.  When I meditate, or at least try to sit in quiet to see "what comes up", I'm not deluged by my unconscious mind revealing awful-tees of any kind.  I'm pretty content.  So why??? 

I know "why" is irrelevant - it doesn't matter.  I also know I can't find out why, if there is a why, if I continue stuffing food in when I'm not hungry.  I get a day or 2 and then off to hell in a handbasket with eating.  I've written all this before.  I'm just ranting with frustration and trying to dump out some negative brain fodder that is polluting my outlook today.

Here's another thing - also discussed here before - I'm going to Atlanta with hubby and youngest son to deposit said son back at his college in 2 weeks.  The entire in-law family is there.  I love them dearly.  Get along with all of them.  Am extremely close with several of them.  They are all lean and very attractive.  I know 100% they love me as if I was born into their clan.  But I don't want to go because of my weight.  I was only 5 pounds less when I was there in March for a wedding and it was fine.  I know that in 2 weeks if I simply don't binge or overeat I can drop these over-the-top pounds and feel better about going.  Hopefully I'll do that.  This issue of my weight has always plagued me particularly with the in-laws, even though I know it doesn't affect how they regard me.

I want to be excited to go down there.  I want to feel free of the mental torture I self inflict about weight and food.  At least at home all my friends and my nuclear family see me all the time and it doesn't feel like as much of an issue.  But I also know that no one who loves me and cares about me judges me one little bit for this struggle.  The ups and downs.  On agains and off agains.  I know it in my head.  But in my heart I think I fear criticism, judgement and rejection.  Feeling less than because my size is more than.

Wow - I just read over what I wrote and I guess I do have something that's eating me, huh?  Pretty obvious - and I wouldn't be surprised to know that there is a lot more going on in Leslie's subterranean landscape that just dreading a trip to the in-laws.

Sorry for the self-pity brain dump here - it's just where I am today.  And I swear if I had sweat pants on and couldn't literally feeeeeel my bulk, it wouldn't be so bad.  So it's probably a good thing that once again I'm motivated to stay the course and get a clean day.  I'm not quitting, but I sure am getting tired of starting over.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Dem bones

I got my 2 good walks in this weekend and they felt great, with knees performing closely to optimally.  Sunday I ended up going with 2 friends - we walked up to a meeting we all attend that starts at 7 a.m.  Since it's about 2.7 miles away, we met on a street corner from our various directions and off we went at a tidy clip.  After the meeting we went and had a healthy breakfast at a local eatery and then hoofed it back home via a different route.  All tolled I believe we logged about 5.5 miles and felt entirely righteous!  Also drenched, as the humidity felt like it was about 99%.  But at least the temp was only in the high yesterday afternoon it was low 90s.

I greatly prefer brisk "power" walking in the great outdoors to virtually any cardio I do at the gym.  I'd love to think that I could eventually return to some slow jogging but won't even consider it until I'm 9 months out from the 2nd knee procedure.  Just too risky on my...ahem...old seasoned knees. 

But the gym comes in handy for strength training, which I haven't yet added back in since recovering from the Winter of Knees.  Given my age, it's really important to get the strength training back into the mix to keep my bones strong.  My 2nd bone density (you youngsters haven't needed this yet, but I've already had 2 - 2 years apart) showed the bones in pretty good shape with very minimal osteopenia (bone thinning - a pre-cursor to osteoporosis), and I want to keep it that way and not have to go on any of those evil meds that Sally Field and others rag about on prime time tv.  Nature's way beats the heck out of Western Medicine's way every day, in my book.

I wrote a few weeks back about needing (and being entitled) to sign on with 6 free trainer sessions at my gym, and I still haven't done it, so this week it's at the top of the list.  I have a friend who works at the gym and she was away so I put it off.  I know she'll set me up with someone I can trust and that she knows will not be eye rolling the whole time at working with a 50-something fat lady! 

I'm doing well with my commitment to focus on consistency with water drinking, ala Loretta's Consistency Challenge.  The water weight I saw on my Friday weigh in attributable to 2 restaurant meals out in a row is gone, and I'm hoping to post a significant loss this Friday in Tammy's challenge.

Also want to give a shout out and big congrats to Helen on beating her last half marathon time by over 4 minutes when she ran her race this weekend.  You can read about her great run at the link.  Have a decent Monday everyone!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Pomegranates and knees

Quickie post today as I've been extra long-winded of late.  I wanted to post a picture of this cute little army of health that is currently stashed in my fridge.  I guess because of the blog, I got an email from a nice guy from POM Wonderful asking if I'd be interested in receiving a free case of Pomegranate juice along with a fact sheet about POM Wonderful.  He was clear that he did not expect a product review, but that I could comment about them on my blog if I felt so moved.

Excuse me, did you say a free case?  Of anything?  Yessir, I would be very interested!  In this case, I've already sampled POM Wonderful juices many times and absolutely love them.  If you drink pomagranate juice by itself, it is rich, tart and full of flavor.  For me it's too rich and tart to drink straight, but when diluted half and half with some seltzer and a twist of lime it's GREAT.  My husband, on the other hand, has been belting them down full strength and loving them. 

It's almost like drinking delicious rocket fuel, because it makes me feel very energized and robust.  But like all pure fruit juices, it provides a pretty big calorie hit for a relatively small amount of juice.  The cute little soldiers have 6 oz, and 150 calories, which is a lot, and another reason I've been using a smidge in seltzer or water - still get the good taste and some of the amazing anitoxidant benefits without too much calorie cost.

When I started blogging, I never knew there could be such nice perks as receiving free products, esp. when there is no requirement to report on them.

My first week on Tammy's challenge finds me up .5 pound, but I'm not worried.  I've had 2 dinners out the last 2 nights, along with KFC for lunch yesterday (which I literally haven't had in 20 years).  I got 2 pieces of grilled chicken (drum and thigh) and it was surprisingly good.  My side was cole slaw which was also good and not heavily dressing-ed, but I also ate the biscuit which I should have catapulted as far from my plate as possible.  It was also good.  So I know there is water in the gain, but a gain is a gain.  I have a beautiful fresh salad I threw together this morning for lunch and am pounding water to flush out the last few days' excesses.

The weather is supposed to break and be mild and dry this weekend, so I'm fervently hoping to get a couple of walks at my favorite walking park - Ridley Creek.  It's been stinkin' humid here, which really isn't a reason to not exercise, but is a good excuse!  Oh - and it occurs to me I haven't reported on my knees for awhile as they continue recovering from the arthroscopies this winter.  In the last few weeks, they are feel GREAT!  Almost as good as before they were injured.  For so long I had to put a pillow between them to sleep because they hurt when they laid on top of each other.  No more!  Also, when I'm sitting on the floor, I can get up easily.  It's taken awhile, but they are really feeling good, and I'm glad.  I guess that makes my excuses for not exercising pretty pathetic, oui?  Hopefully I'll log between 7 and 10 miles over the weekend, and you can bet I'm report about it here!  Have a good w/e everyone.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

19 Big Ones!

Thank you all so much for your kind comments to my post yesterday.  I really didn't know what was going to flow through the digits when I started typing.  I was asked to tell my story at an AA meeting next Tuesday night and I think my subconscious has been percolating about my drinking story, so you guys got some of it.  Or ya'll, for the southern folks.

I didn't write that post yesterday as an intro to my very happy announcement today, but it kind of fits as just that.  Today is my AA anniversary - 19 years sober!  That's a long darn time to not drink for an alcoholic.  I am so grateful for my sobriety as it's been the greatest gift in my life.  Does that sound strange?

The reason it's the greatest gift is because sobriety and regular attendance at AA has turned my life around - 180 degrees - from the sad, lonely and less-than existence I lived when I was drinking.  On the outside I had everything I wanted - a wonderful loving husband, 3 kids (my specific order was 2 boys and a girl, and that's what we got!), a nice house, good career, a loving extended in-law family with whom I jived right away...lots of good things that I in no way deserved - but I couldn't really participate fully in any of it.  I loved my kids but felt less-than as a parent; same with my husband - I couldn't show up for him the way I would have wanted.  My actions didn't match my values.  I felt bad about myself, and was also excrutiatingly self centered.  In AA they call that an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex"!  Isn't that a great term?  Maybe it's not unique to AA, but it's where I first heard it.

Once I started coming to AA and finally put down the booze, things started getting better...little things, then bigger ones.  I started getting better.  Slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w-ly, but steadily.  And I have to say that while I had to stop drinking first, the fellowship and program of Alcoholics Anonymous is what taught me in a thousand different ways how to suit up, grow up and show up for life.  It still teaches me about myself, alcoholism and striving to live a life that is mainly oriented to service to others.  Now I remain an egotistical self-centered gal, but so much less so than I used to be.

Getting sober in AA has allowed me to truly live the life I've been given to the best of my ability; to love my dear family and try to be a good citizen.  I heard someone at a meeting this morning say that AA saved their family.  It saved mine too.  We were still doing okay, but as I went downhill, the family and all the relationships therein would have been negatively affected.  It was already happening when I started contemplating getting sober, especially between Tom and me.  Things were not good.  I was not nice.  I was a mess.

So when I say sobriety is my greatest gift, it's because without it, I would not have the family, friends and life I have today.  Way more than I deserve has been served to me, and I'm just eternally grateful. 

And one more thing - my 21 year old son came to the meeting with me at 7 a.m. this morning to see me get my 19 year coin.  He hugged me in public and told a couple of funny stories about his old mom.  It was great.  He wouldn't have wanted to be around me if I'd been half in the bag for most of his growing up.  He was 2 when I got sober - talk about a blessing that he (nor my other 2) really saw me drunk (that they remember).  One more undeserved favor.

I'll get back to more applied weightloss blogging tomorrow.  As I reflect on my very rich life, I wonder how it would change if I got the weight off and called a truce with food?  I don't know that my life could get a whole lot better - - but I know I can get better, and wouldn't that just be fantastic?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

History in the making

As I was just commenting on someone's blog I found myself reflecting about a concept that my AA sponsor has said to me over the years.  Of course in AA it's all about alcohol, but as I was reading the gal's post, I was reminded of the concept and how it can apply to food and eating as well.  My sponsor calls it "building a sober history". 

When I first came into AA, I'd been using alcohol as:  medication, feel-good potion, escape hatch, pressure release valve, augmenter of positivity, diminisher of negativity, confidence booster, social lubricant, personality improver, validator of my right to be on the planet with the rest of you guys - basically as an all-purpose best friend on whom I could rely for whatever the moment's reality warranted.  I didn't stay drunk 24/7, but I used booze a lot.  Often.  And like any best friend, it never let me down. 

Until it did. 

But being a trusting and loyal soul, I didn't jettison booze out of my life when something didn't go well as a result of its counsel.  I gave it another chance.  And it would treat me well again and so I'd know that the one bad experience was a fluke that would *never* happen again.

Until it did. 

I could continue this dramatic recitation of my personal experience with alcoholism for many pages.  Or I can advise you to hit "replay" countless endless times, and you'll have the tale in a nutshell.  Our stories are many and varied with different props, sets, players, details, plot twists, attempts to quit (also countless), relapses and so on. 

When I finally put down the drink for the last time (several months after I started trying AA), my emotional landscape (after the initial physical withdrawal) became a landmine field.  Little and big explosions all around and within - things like having to remember to sign permission slips for field trips for my kids, a broken washer, the snub of a know, LIFE.  But suddenly LIFE was full-on and not blunted by the warm buzzy haze of alcohol, and it was harsh.  It was happy, sad, maddening, frustrating, PMS monthly (that I never perceived), scary, angst-ridden.  I walked around for the first several months feeling like I was having major surgery with no anesthesia - as raw as an open wound.  And my # 1 go to remedy was no longer available (if I was serious about getting and staying sober).

I'd call my sponsor and complain, moan, whine and generally SUFFER about all the little and big things, and about wanting to just drink, damn it.  I wanted to drink every single day.  I'd say to her (and anyone else who'd listen) "This is ridiculous!  I'm worse now than I was before.  At least I didn't think about drinking when I was drinking, and now it's all I think about!".  She gently said that I was thinking about it constantly because I wasn't doing it.  It's called obsession, and the only way to extinguish an obsession is to not feed it.  If I drank, I'd be reinforcing the obsession so that next time I wanted to stop, the obsession would be a little stronger because I'd fed it previously.  But if I didn't drink and instead went to a meeting, cried, called her, took a bath, made a bed, went for a walk...anything besides drinking...the intensity of the desire to drink would diminish gradually.  For that time in particular, and for all time in general...gra-a-a-dually, slowly.  Think glacial.

And then she'd say, "You're building a sober history!"  Huh?  But as soon as I first heard the words, I intuited what she meant...that I was learning to live life on life terms without the crutch (or the aniticipation) of alcohol to soften all the rough edges.  If I got through one crisis (which could be as small as a broken shoelace) without drinking, I'd have that experience to help me with the next thing, and the next.  The first sober holidays, the first sober seasons...births, deaths, vacations, weddings, in-law visits, ups, downs...all that life tosses up to us - handled sober, rather than in some level of pre, post or during a "load".  Sober history.  I love that term, and my sponsor, Lisa (the one who is still battling lung cancer) is the only person in AA I've heard say it.  She learned it from her sponsor.  It's the notion of life experience informing future life experience, and in this sense - in a VERY GOOD way.

What does this have to do with a weight loss/food addiction blog?  Everything, because again and again I experience or read of others' experiences with getting a few good sane days of healthy eating together and finding themselves suddenly restless, irritable, discontent.  Critical, judgemental, easy to anger.  Fearful.  And the food thoughts start to intrude.  Refrigerator contents mockingly beckon with their empty promises of calming creamy, sweet, salty, crunchy, cold, warm, flavorful emotional salve.  And THIS is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to building a new history.  Getting through an episode of the urge to binge one's brains out, or to have "just 2 cookies" when I've never eaten just 2 cookies in my life but lie to myself that this time will be different, and NOT doing it.  Feed the obsession, you strengthen it.  Find other means of self-comfort that don't involve compulsively mindlessly overeating, and you begin to diminish it.

It's a conundrum that when you stop engaging in addictive type eating, you feel better for a day or two, and then you feel worse.  Much worse.  Emotionally and physically.  Part of it can be physical withdrawal, but much is the fact that when we stop stuffing our feelings, they begin to surface and our awareness of them is acute.  And it's HARD.  And food will WILL help *for a time*.  Maybe just a few minutes, maybe for a few hours.  Maybe until whatever food I shove in gets on board sufficiently to either trigger the desire for more of the same, or another flavor to offset the first (like something salty after something sweet).  And off to the races I go.

So it occurred to me today that I want to build an eating history in which food is used for nourishment and a little pleasure, rather than as a cure-all for the scared little girl inside who really isn't hungry or malnourished.  She's starving for affection, love, kindness, intimacy, friendship, solitude - any number of things that calories can't provide.  And she wants to love herself fully, not just the parts that aren't overweight, weak-willed, anxious and scared.

I've never thought of myself as a pioneer, but in the negotiation and management of my own life, my feelings, my struggles, my character defects and my spiritual development, I really am a pioneer.  No one has done "ME" before, so it's up to me.  I can rewrite the history of Leslie using a softer touch and loving self acceptance.  With a little help from my friends and a lot of help from my God.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The boring, the scary and the usual

With the greatest respect I say Blogger is a jerk.  Now when I go to comment on posts, half the time the word verification letters aren't even there!  And I can't make them come up.  SoI go ahead and add in my user name and password, hit comment, and Blogger then admonishes me in its angry red letters that what I typed in didn't match their letters.  No, jerk Blogger, because there was no "word" there so I typed nothing in.  The letters do come up the second time with the angry red letters, but then I have to re-enter my password.  I realize that you are all glazing over reading this, but I have to vent, as this ridiculous scenario has played out with the last 3 times I've commented on blogs today. 

I just had a scary redux from last week's breast cyst experience in the form of a phone call from my lovely Gyn. doc.  When she identified herself as Dr. Rosen, I felt a global release of adrenalin throughout my body, fearing she'd gotten some additional info about my tests.  I hadn't even contacted her office about it, knowing the test results would get to her quickly, and since I got the "all is well" from the radiologist, I didn't give it another thought.

She was calling to follow up and ask if the "large cyst" was causing me any discomfort or problem, because if it was, it could be aspirated.  I assured her it was not bothering me in any way but asked if she thought it would be advisable to aspirate it anyway.  She assured me that there was no reason to do so unless it was bothering me, as it was entirely fluid filled with "nothing else going on".  She did recommend a follow up ultrasound in six months.  Whew - okay.  But the level of DEEP anxiety that ran through my body on its very own circulatory system is lingering.  It'll subside, and I have to say it's good to know she's on top of things.  I had my first appointment with her in February, having to switch from another woman who retired.  I liked Dr. Rosen a lot at my first visit, but the phone call adds many points to her competency level in my mind, and it was plenty high to start with.  In good hands.

On to weight loss matters - my food wasn't as spot on yesterday as I would have liked, given it was the first day of Tammy's August challenge.  But it was okay, and today is going to be clean.  My vow.  A clean Monday.
I also signed on for another little challenge that is also for the month of August.  It's Loretta's Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge, where you pick one area of the weight loss journey only and focus on consistency with it for one month only.   My focus is going to be on water drinking - getting in 96 ounces of water each day.  I usually get 64 with the water bottle I tote to and from work.  But I want to add an extra amount.  This always helps me when I begin steady clean eating.  Keeps me full and makes me feel detoxified after a few days.

That's it from me today.  Have a good Monday, everyone!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Go ahead...make my day

The title is me paying homage to Clint Eastwood in whatever movie he said that line that later became a challenge phrase in a battery commercial.  Anyone else remember this?  If not, than my creative recall at least gave me an as-yet-unused-by-me post title.  Mainly I want to note that I'm doing Tammy's new challenge that you can read about here.  It starts today - a new month.  Each day a new beginning.

I'm excited and psyched.  Please refrain from saying "again Leslie?  We've heard it before".  I know it's probably only me saying that, which illustrates my embarrassment and shame for having gotten so off track in the last 6 months.  Yet, besides embarrassed I'm grateful that my floundering hasn't resulted in a larger weight gain than the scale shows.  But I feel the difference of the 15+ pounds in much of my day to day activity, my clothes and my general softness.  And softness NOT IN A GOOD WAY.  Literally - mushy.  If possible mushier than before.  At age 57, mushy ain't going to tighten up all that much, so damage control is indeed called for.  Please God, Universe, universe, and Leslie - let this be the time to truly regroup and step back up to the, away from the plate.  (unintentional but quite rich little pun, yes?)

Tammy's challenge is to just lose as much weight as possible in August, report once a week, photograph the first and last scale proclamations (8/1 and 8/31) and reap the rewards.  Now Tammy's official challenge reward is a very generous one (see for yourself at the above link), but the rewards in which I'm most interested are 2-fold (less "folds" than my stomach currently sports):  1) Spiritual, including letting go of the aforementioned shame, embarrassment and palpable poor self esteem about this weight/food thing; and 2) Physical, including the reversal of the aforementioned pounds, folds and body mush.  It is all possible.  It is entirely up to me.  See last petition sentence of above paragraph.  I need all those petition-ees and you wonderful blog friends to help me.  But all the help in the world can't help me if I don't let it.  Therein lies the conundrum.  I've learned to receive (and give) help in AA to give up King Alcohol.  It is all possible.

For my August 1 commencement of Tammy's challenge, I took the picture of my first weight this morning only to discover I left my cable attached to my work hard drive, so I will have to add the picture in tomorrow morning (or later today if I can get in to my building since there is construction ongoing and maybe I can bribe a worker or something).  My starting weight was a nice ROUND 209.  Yuck.  Better than 210 Friday.  Worse than 192 last December.  The past is done. Today is where I live and the only place in which I can take positive (or negative, for that matter) action.

*Added pic at 10:30 how the metal of the scale reflects up my dress (or lack thereof)!  But I'm so committed to this I don't care.  And the next pic will NOT take you on the pictorial journey into my nether parts!  I must wear glasses next time so I can see whaddup!*

Because our internet service at home is messed up AGAIN (for the 5th time), I had to bring my laptop to SBux in order to do this first Challenge post.  I've had coffee but no breakfast, so I'm going back home to whip up a little something healthy and sane.  Enjoy the remainder of the weekend.