Happy Tuesday, blog friends. I'm having an eerily quiet morning at work (knock on wood else shit shall hit fan) so thought I'd drop in for a brief update.
It's a happy Tuesday indeed for me because as soon as I get off, Hubby will drop me at the airport and I'm heading to Atlanta for a few days to visit my in-law family. My FIL died in December, and so I'm mainly going to hang out with my mom-in-law, and of course see other family members. And here's a kicker...I'm super excited to go! I have none of my usual "less-than" feelings about being with all the skinny smart beautiful people this go round. I'm just looking forward to catching up and spending time with them. Also having a few days off from work, which goes without saying.
Anyone who has read my blog for more than a year or so recalls my trepidations of being with this bunch - I have always gotten along with them famously. They have always been welcoming and loving with me, and I've always known it was genuine. But my feelings of fatness and shame always became magnified to the nth degree when I was with them (once I'd entered the endless struggle of disordered eating after my 3rd child was born), and so every encounter with them has been a mix of wonderfulness on the outside and shame and self hate on the inside.
My recent journey that began at the beginning of March, when I fully accepted and owned out loud my Type 2 Diabetes and determined to best it in every arena possible has begun to seriously change me. I've talked about testing my blood sugar daily, changing up my foods, seeing how different foods affect the blood sugar, lost some weight, plateau'ed for a few weeks and then began losing again, and haven't gotten discouraged when one number (blood sugar) or another (lbs) weren't what I wanted or thought they should be. Somehow I've stuck with it and am feeling some confidence, for the first time ever since the weight struggles ensued, that I can stay the course and slowly get really better. And thinner.
It's weird, because I find myself thinking how strange it could be to be in a much slimmer body. I'm already about 15 pounds down and in different sizes. I'm soon going to get to the place I got to about 4 years ago, and then began to slowly regain. Obviously in one way or another I wasn't ready to move into a thinner version of who I'd become over the years...maybe scared, or uncertain of what it would be like or how it would change my core self. I don't know - I hear my possible over-thinking about this, but I realize that I never felt those feelings before. If I don't take this slowly, and settle at various places in order to find a comfort of some kind at new emotional stops along the way, I may run scared again, and head back up the scale.
The aforementioned plateau really bugged me for a bit, but deep down I thought it was okay. I knew I hadn't changed anything to make me stop losing weight, and my blood sugar numbers were still decent, so I kept on. THIS IS NEW BEHAVIOR FOR ME. And it's fueled by new acceptance of myself and my reality at this stage of my life. I cannot wait for my next round of blood work in early June, because I know it's going to be great!
My weight this morning was 201. What I was calling spittin' distance was 204. This is more like lickin' distance. I don't know if it will happen while I'm there, because I will enjoy myself and not be restricting my intake. I will test my blood daily, and make decisions about what is worth slowing my progress for and what isn't. The way I'm feeling, there won't be much that will seem worth it, but I know that more than just my warm fuzzy feeling right now will play a role in my behaviors. Like emotions, frustrations, fabulous menus and being out of my usual surroundings. But if I pay attention to my heart, my gut, and my blood sugars, my behaviors will be true choices, and not coping strategies.
Have a good week, guys!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Ordinary days....
....are sometimes harder than extraordinary days! It's actually been just about 2 months since I set on my mission to arrest and reverse the Type 2 diabetes that has been nipping at my heels for the last several years. Two months in, and things continue to go well.
I'm still checking my fasting blood sugar every morning, and it's ranging from 89-116. I'm trying to figure out what causes it to be higher some random days, and so far haven't really discovered a culprit. I've had about one day per week where I stick to my food plan (mainly low carb, around 40-60 gms/day) until dinner, and then I have a few things I leave out the rest of the week. Brown rice, a potato, a small bag of fritos, a small tube of M&M minis...and my blood sugar seems almost better the next morning - below 100 - when I'm sure it will be a higher. Other times, I'm sooo "good" and on plan that I'm sure the reading will be great, and it's in the low 100s. Hard to draw a bead on at this time, but overall I'm really doing great.
Also, my weight is coming along nicely. I'm down 14 pounds plus from my worst weight prior to getting into the ring with my worthy opponent, which is awesome. I'm within spittin' distance of Onederland for the first time in several years, and Heaven knows I hope it's my last time having to cross that line! My motivation remains strong overall, although I have moments where I just want to eat. Usually, these moments do not involve even one molecule of real hunger...rather they seem to be rooted in boredom, feeling squirrely, or just unidentified angst. These are the hardest times, as they've always been, but with the Type 2 being successfully beaten back by my hard work for now, I am able to tough them out. Or at least eat something that isn't stupid.
My oldest son is home for awhile now (the one who had the Guillian-Barre Syndrome in January), and we've been playing tennis a bit! I was an avid player for years but once I started back to work full time when my youngest started 5th grade, I gradually drifted away from tennis to the point where I hadn't picked up a racquet in about 5 years! It's been awesome, though excrutiatingly humbling, to begin again. And great exercise, I might, because I chase the balls I hit all over creation. That burns some calories, let me tell you. Little by little I'm getting my mojo back with the racquet, and my inner Venus has been awakened. Who'd'a'thunk??
That's it for now...I've been busy and out of blogging mood, but rest assured I will be here to announce when I cross over into the single century in the weight realm! Also, I plan to update more often, but life has a way of altering the best of intentions. In the meantime, it feels good to still be hanging on to this streak!
I'm still checking my fasting blood sugar every morning, and it's ranging from 89-116. I'm trying to figure out what causes it to be higher some random days, and so far haven't really discovered a culprit. I've had about one day per week where I stick to my food plan (mainly low carb, around 40-60 gms/day) until dinner, and then I have a few things I leave out the rest of the week. Brown rice, a potato, a small bag of fritos, a small tube of M&M minis...and my blood sugar seems almost better the next morning - below 100 - when I'm sure it will be a higher. Other times, I'm sooo "good" and on plan that I'm sure the reading will be great, and it's in the low 100s. Hard to draw a bead on at this time, but overall I'm really doing great.
Also, my weight is coming along nicely. I'm down 14 pounds plus from my worst weight prior to getting into the ring with my worthy opponent, which is awesome. I'm within spittin' distance of Onederland for the first time in several years, and Heaven knows I hope it's my last time having to cross that line! My motivation remains strong overall, although I have moments where I just want to eat. Usually, these moments do not involve even one molecule of real hunger...rather they seem to be rooted in boredom, feeling squirrely, or just unidentified angst. These are the hardest times, as they've always been, but with the Type 2 being successfully beaten back by my hard work for now, I am able to tough them out. Or at least eat something that isn't stupid.
My oldest son is home for awhile now (the one who had the Guillian-Barre Syndrome in January), and we've been playing tennis a bit! I was an avid player for years but once I started back to work full time when my youngest started 5th grade, I gradually drifted away from tennis to the point where I hadn't picked up a racquet in about 5 years! It's been awesome, though excrutiatingly humbling, to begin again. And great exercise, I might, because I chase the balls I hit all over creation. That burns some calories, let me tell you. Little by little I'm getting my mojo back with the racquet, and my inner Venus has been awakened. Who'd'a'thunk??
That's it for now...I've been busy and out of blogging mood, but rest assured I will be here to announce when I cross over into the single century in the weight realm! Also, I plan to update more often, but life has a way of altering the best of intentions. In the meantime, it feels good to still be hanging on to this streak!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Surrender to win
Brief post today, but I have to share my ELATION about my type 2 journey. I had a good weekend - lots of exercise, clean eating, connections with friends...all stuff that would be great on its own. But I had a huge surprise this morning. Actually a shock - my fasting blood sugar was 90. Ninety! That's entirely in the normal range. Not borderline range...NORMAL.
Don't worry, I know I'm not normal and never will be. But I've been diligent and committed in the last 6 weeks (since my Ground Zero experience), and the number has come down steadily. It's always going to be up and down, but I know at a deep level that it hasn't been at a normal number, even for a day, in a very long time. VERY. My Hgb A1C was proof of that.
I can't know for sure because I was too afraid to know. Too ashamed to own a "fat person's disease" (in my mind only), too ashamed to go into a store with a prescription for a glucometer because "they" (the pharmacy staff? people in line? WTF?) would know I had a problem. Like anyone couldn't look at me and suspect I was a walking mass of simple processed carbohydrates, not that what anyone else thinks matters. Except it does, of course. But taken to the extreme, that shame and denial was keeping me sick, sluggish and sloppy. Hmm - the 3 S's of denial? They fit for me, which may just be a topic for another post.
My greatest shame/fear has become my greatest asset. This is a widely discussed phenomenon in AA. As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change. I sit here today and tell you that I didn't have a light bulb moment. I didn't hear a message emanate from a burning bush. I wasn't aware of hitting a bottom, because I'd been dwelling on the bottom (and feeding there) for so long. I'm beginning to suspect that the grace of God has something to do with this, because I couldn't do it for my whole life. I know that I was able to get and stay sober by this same grace, but had begun to suspect that was all I'd get, and that I'd have to muster up the where-with-all to get healthy and lose weight on my own.
I'm not going all religious here, but I do believe in a spiritual reality(that I call God) that moves among us and is present always. This is my many years in AA coming through. I've seen devout agnostics and atheists relieved of the obsession for alcohol after years of devastating drinking, without any concrete belief in any specific deity or doctrine. And of course, many who are devout in their beliefs as well. But my current state just couldn't have come from me, because I've been trying, wishing, hoping, and praying for a lifting of my food obsessive behaviors and drives for years.
Another AA saying I've heard a lot over the years but never felt it apply to me, even with my long-term sobriety, is "Surrender to Win". I didn't even get what it really meant, but I do now. Accepting (and surrendering to) my type 2 diabetes has given me tools and capabilities I didn't have before. I see it as a gift, just like my alcoholism has been a gift. All I can say is that I'm grateful. The type 2, or I, may all go to hell in a hand basket tomorrow, but for today I'm good. And happy to be in awe of a fasting blood sugar of 90!
Don't worry, I know I'm not normal and never will be. But I've been diligent and committed in the last 6 weeks (since my Ground Zero experience), and the number has come down steadily. It's always going to be up and down, but I know at a deep level that it hasn't been at a normal number, even for a day, in a very long time. VERY. My Hgb A1C was proof of that.
I can't know for sure because I was too afraid to know. Too ashamed to own a "fat person's disease" (in my mind only), too ashamed to go into a store with a prescription for a glucometer because "they" (the pharmacy staff? people in line? WTF?) would know I had a problem. Like anyone couldn't look at me and suspect I was a walking mass of simple processed carbohydrates, not that what anyone else thinks matters. Except it does, of course. But taken to the extreme, that shame and denial was keeping me sick, sluggish and sloppy. Hmm - the 3 S's of denial? They fit for me, which may just be a topic for another post.
My greatest shame/fear has become my greatest asset. This is a widely discussed phenomenon in AA. As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change. I sit here today and tell you that I didn't have a light bulb moment. I didn't hear a message emanate from a burning bush. I wasn't aware of hitting a bottom, because I'd been dwelling on the bottom (and feeding there) for so long. I'm beginning to suspect that the grace of God has something to do with this, because I couldn't do it for my whole life. I know that I was able to get and stay sober by this same grace, but had begun to suspect that was all I'd get, and that I'd have to muster up the where-with-all to get healthy and lose weight on my own.
I'm not going all religious here, but I do believe in a spiritual reality(that I call God) that moves among us and is present always. This is my many years in AA coming through. I've seen devout agnostics and atheists relieved of the obsession for alcohol after years of devastating drinking, without any concrete belief in any specific deity or doctrine. And of course, many who are devout in their beliefs as well. But my current state just couldn't have come from me, because I've been trying, wishing, hoping, and praying for a lifting of my food obsessive behaviors and drives for years.
Another AA saying I've heard a lot over the years but never felt it apply to me, even with my long-term sobriety, is "Surrender to Win". I didn't even get what it really meant, but I do now. Accepting (and surrendering to) my type 2 diabetes has given me tools and capabilities I didn't have before. I see it as a gift, just like my alcoholism has been a gift. All I can say is that I'm grateful. The type 2, or I, may all go to hell in a hand basket tomorrow, but for today I'm good. And happy to be in awe of a fasting blood sugar of 90!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Motivation for moi
Quote from an unknown recovering person: "IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU'LL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOU'RE GETTING." I know that's true!
Good morning! Thank you for the helpful comments to my Monday post. I'm still hanging in, and continuing the learning process of how food affects my blood sugar, energy level, and definitely emotional balance! It's a never ending story, for sure.
I don't have a lot more to report right now except that I had my lowest fasting blood sugar this morning since I've started paying attention and testing...102. From a medical standpoint, below 100 is the goal, so it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and a huge shot of motivation when I saw that this morning. Of course this is a number that fluctuates constantly, so it won't ever be always "good" or "bad". But the trend is definitely moving in the right direction. I'm actually already excited for my June blood work to see how my HgbA1C has been affected (or if).
Also, I'm wearing a pair of pants today, just out of the dryer, that after 2 hours of wearing, are so baggy that I might run home and change, because they look ridiculous. Like pajama pants.
That's it for me now - have a good Friday eve!
Good morning! Thank you for the helpful comments to my Monday post. I'm still hanging in, and continuing the learning process of how food affects my blood sugar, energy level, and definitely emotional balance! It's a never ending story, for sure.
I don't have a lot more to report right now except that I had my lowest fasting blood sugar this morning since I've started paying attention and testing...102. From a medical standpoint, below 100 is the goal, so it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and a huge shot of motivation when I saw that this morning. Of course this is a number that fluctuates constantly, so it won't ever be always "good" or "bad". But the trend is definitely moving in the right direction. I'm actually already excited for my June blood work to see how my HgbA1C has been affected (or if).
Also, I'm wearing a pair of pants today, just out of the dryer, that after 2 hours of wearing, are so baggy that I might run home and change, because they look ridiculous. Like pajama pants.
That's it for me now - have a good Friday eve!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Hungry Monday
The title says it all. I'm hungry. HUNGRY. And I finished lunch only about 45 minutes ago. I feel so "empty stomach" hungry that I checked my blood sugar, and it's 110. Pretty decent for 45 minutes after a meal. And not too low in any way. So I guess I'm just hungry.
Some days are just hungry days. I've been doing very well with food and exercise. Since the day I had my blood drawn, I've lost 9 pounds - a little over a month ago. Now, a few of those pounds had found their way back onto my Rubenesque body in the weeks before, so on My Fitness Pal, it looks like I've lost only 5. But trust me, it's 9 with change, as my digital scale weighs in tenths of pounds. 9.4 to be exact.
I've been trying to stay very low carb, - averaging 35-60 gms per day. If you're comparing that to Atkins Induction, it sounds high. Compare it to my usual diet prior to attacking my Type 2, and it is paltrier than paltry. I'm hearing some comments related to "are you losing....?'", which is nice, of course. I'm in pants I couldn't wear at all, and just bought a couple new cheap pairs at Kohl's in a smaller size. It's all good. Yes?
What is happening is what frequently has happened in the past when I began successfully changing things up and dropping weight. My head is getting squirrely. Specifically my thinking. Like squirrels are literally running around up there messing up my circuitry. I'm wanting to restrict eating to "move this along", but know that is wrong with a capital WRONG. Or, I want to have a free day and "get back on" tomorrow. Or go lower on carbs. Or give this whole thing up. Or fast for a day. Lots of highly intelligent thoughts, si? And as an addict of the first order, I know this is where the dysfunction and disordered eating is percolating - tapping my shoulder and trying to woo me over to the dark side. As in chocolate (preferably not that dark!) and assorted edibles over which I'm truly powerless once they enter into my mouth.
This is like early sobriety when things being settling down, and one is starting to feel much better, and beginning to believe that "maybe I can do this". And then the thought of adrink buzz, or a nice little journey to oblivion for awhile begins to pop up. It's destructive thinking, and it can quickly lead to destructive drinking. Again. I finally made it through that a couple decades ago with the booze; but I haven't made it through in my quest for recovery from food addiction, overeating and obesity. YET.
There are some differences this time. My blood sugar meter is with me most of the time, and when I've had an occasion off-plan indulgence, I check my sugar to see just what the "treat" afforded me in terms of screwing with my sugar. Seeing a high blood sugar is a lot more concrete and hard core than just wishing I hadn't just eaten whatever it was I ate. It's like, reality, man! More than that, by some miracle, I'm willing to check the number, rather than just be afraid of it. That is still amazing to me. Somehow, I now get that the number is what it is or (as I've paraphrased) it ALREADY is what it is and not knowing doesn't change it or make it go down.
I feel that I am present in the arena with the type 2 now, and I'm not going to let it betray me, beat me and erode my health. I'm not fighting and invisible unknown enemy - I am able to monitor its whereabouts and take action to beat it back. This has become more about Type 2 diabetes than losing weight, oddly enough. The glucometer doesn't lie. Sometimes the scale does, or gives me numbers that I can explain away by recalling a salty meal, being bloated, etc. All the retained water in the world is not going to change my blood sugar. And being faithful in using the meter and getting the blood sugar down is so far affecting my weight. So far, so good.
My eating disordered mind still scares me. I can't suddenly ignore it, or the voices it generates will eventually lure me back to disordered eating. But I feel I have more tools now to stand up to my crazy ass mind.
This probably sounds like gobbledy gook, but it makes sense to me. And even moreso as I sit here and write about it. I had no intention of posting today, but as my hunger was roiling and I was contemplating eating something I'd regret, it seemed a good idea to write about it. And believe it or not, I feel better for now.
Lastly, I can't say how wonderful it feels to wake up without regret in the morning. This was an early reward in sobriety for me, and now with my diabetes journey to this point. Absence of remorse on a daily basis is a great way to start each day.
Some days are just hungry days. I've been doing very well with food and exercise. Since the day I had my blood drawn, I've lost 9 pounds - a little over a month ago. Now, a few of those pounds had found their way back onto my Rubenesque body in the weeks before, so on My Fitness Pal, it looks like I've lost only 5. But trust me, it's 9 with change, as my digital scale weighs in tenths of pounds. 9.4 to be exact.
I've been trying to stay very low carb, - averaging 35-60 gms per day. If you're comparing that to Atkins Induction, it sounds high. Compare it to my usual diet prior to attacking my Type 2, and it is paltrier than paltry. I'm hearing some comments related to "are you losing....?'", which is nice, of course. I'm in pants I couldn't wear at all, and just bought a couple new cheap pairs at Kohl's in a smaller size. It's all good. Yes?
What is happening is what frequently has happened in the past when I began successfully changing things up and dropping weight. My head is getting squirrely. Specifically my thinking. Like squirrels are literally running around up there messing up my circuitry. I'm wanting to restrict eating to "move this along", but know that is wrong with a capital WRONG. Or, I want to have a free day and "get back on" tomorrow. Or go lower on carbs. Or give this whole thing up. Or fast for a day. Lots of highly intelligent thoughts, si? And as an addict of the first order, I know this is where the dysfunction and disordered eating is percolating - tapping my shoulder and trying to woo me over to the dark side. As in chocolate (preferably not that dark!) and assorted edibles over which I'm truly powerless once they enter into my mouth.
This is like early sobriety when things being settling down, and one is starting to feel much better, and beginning to believe that "maybe I can do this". And then the thought of a
There are some differences this time. My blood sugar meter is with me most of the time, and when I've had an occasion off-plan indulgence, I check my sugar to see just what the "treat" afforded me in terms of screwing with my sugar. Seeing a high blood sugar is a lot more concrete and hard core than just wishing I hadn't just eaten whatever it was I ate. It's like, reality, man! More than that, by some miracle, I'm willing to check the number, rather than just be afraid of it. That is still amazing to me. Somehow, I now get that the number is what it is or (as I've paraphrased) it ALREADY is what it is and not knowing doesn't change it or make it go down.
I feel that I am present in the arena with the type 2 now, and I'm not going to let it betray me, beat me and erode my health. I'm not fighting and invisible unknown enemy - I am able to monitor its whereabouts and take action to beat it back. This has become more about Type 2 diabetes than losing weight, oddly enough. The glucometer doesn't lie. Sometimes the scale does, or gives me numbers that I can explain away by recalling a salty meal, being bloated, etc. All the retained water in the world is not going to change my blood sugar. And being faithful in using the meter and getting the blood sugar down is so far affecting my weight. So far, so good.
My eating disordered mind still scares me. I can't suddenly ignore it, or the voices it generates will eventually lure me back to disordered eating. But I feel I have more tools now to stand up to my crazy ass mind.
This probably sounds like gobbledy gook, but it makes sense to me. And even moreso as I sit here and write about it. I had no intention of posting today, but as my hunger was roiling and I was contemplating eating something I'd regret, it seemed a good idea to write about it. And believe it or not, I feel better for now.
Lastly, I can't say how wonderful it feels to wake up without regret in the morning. This was an early reward in sobriety for me, and now with my diabetes journey to this point. Absence of remorse on a daily basis is a great way to start each day.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Learning curve steepens
I have made some important discoveries as I've begun the journey of facing type 2 diabetes head on. Pretty radical stuff, actually. (Typed with tongue firmly implanted in cheek.)
1. Having not felt true empty stomach gnawing hunger much at all in the last 10 years or so, I've discovered that it can feel downright uncomfortable. In my previous bursts of "doing good" with weight loss efforts since I started the blog in 2009, an occasional bout of real hunger felt righteous, even good. Over the last couple of weeks as I've experienced HUNGER a lot, there have been times where I've done millions of things to distract myself from "the hungry", including filling up with water, starting a work project, etc..., and finally determined that I must be "low" (blood sugar wise) if I'm feeling that hungry.
Low is really anything below 70. Well, the lowest I've seen yet is 98. I'm not putting myself in danger by feeling hungry. My body and my mind are just totally unaccustomed to sitting through uncomfortable moments.
2. Having a sane, legal, low-carb snack in a sane, legal, low-carb amount, like one cheese stick or a 100 cal. pack of almonds, doesn't take "the hungry" away immediately. BUT it DOES work in a little while - 10 minutes or whatever. Turns out I don't need to eat uncontrollably in order for a reasonable snack to do the trick. I may want to, but I don't need to.
3. Allowing myself to sit quietly and feeeeeel the pangs, trying to "be one" with them, embrace them...isn't very interesting. My monkey mind has many other things to throw at my consciousness. I've been trying to really focus on and feel the hunger and try to go deeper and see what it is I'm hungry for (besides food, in psychobabble). Turns out when I'm not binge eating and consuming huge amounts of highly processed carbs and sugars, hunger is actually physiological, NOT psychological.
4. The discoveries in #3 in no way make it easier to not eat when I WANT TO despite not really being hungry, which is how I most always have eaten. But the discoveries in #3 DO make it seem tolerable and actually doable, to not eat when I can recognize that I am truly NOT hungry. Does that make sense? Thankfully it does to me, which is all that matters since it's my journey.
5. I thought I'd have this type 2 all wrapped up pretty quickly, given the brisk response of my blood sugars in the first couple of weeks. I'm staying normal through the days, but so far, the lowest I've gotten my fasting sugar in the morning is 109! Damn - MY goal is under 100, and preferably lower. Apparently this is going to take time, and paying close attention to what I eat, when I eat, etc. It's a process, not a one time event from which I'll graduate.
I've been doing tons of reading up on type 2, recommended food plans, etc. I see for myself that low carb eating is going to be the way to go for me. Really low carb, but not as radical as Atkins Induction. There are so many resources out there now for this condition that I feel lucky, because I've already gotten some great menu and meal ideas, and lots of good recipes. And I've barely scraped the surface, both on information gathering as well as finding my bliss point. But I'm grateful to be in the process, and I feel more clear headed and calm than I have in ages. Maybe I really can say goodbye to "the whites" (sugar, flour, simple high glycemic carbs), and from there anything seems possible.
1. Having not felt true empty stomach gnawing hunger much at all in the last 10 years or so, I've discovered that it can feel downright uncomfortable. In my previous bursts of "doing good" with weight loss efforts since I started the blog in 2009, an occasional bout of real hunger felt righteous, even good. Over the last couple of weeks as I've experienced HUNGER a lot, there have been times where I've done millions of things to distract myself from "the hungry", including filling up with water, starting a work project, etc..., and finally determined that I must be "low" (blood sugar wise) if I'm feeling that hungry.
Low is really anything below 70. Well, the lowest I've seen yet is 98. I'm not putting myself in danger by feeling hungry. My body and my mind are just totally unaccustomed to sitting through uncomfortable moments.
2. Having a sane, legal, low-carb snack in a sane, legal, low-carb amount, like one cheese stick or a 100 cal. pack of almonds, doesn't take "the hungry" away immediately. BUT it DOES work in a little while - 10 minutes or whatever. Turns out I don't need to eat uncontrollably in order for a reasonable snack to do the trick. I may want to, but I don't need to.
3. Allowing myself to sit quietly and feeeeeel the pangs, trying to "be one" with them, embrace them...isn't very interesting. My monkey mind has many other things to throw at my consciousness. I've been trying to really focus on and feel the hunger and try to go deeper and see what it is I'm hungry for (besides food, in psychobabble). Turns out when I'm not binge eating and consuming huge amounts of highly processed carbs and sugars, hunger is actually physiological, NOT psychological.
4. The discoveries in #3 in no way make it easier to not eat when I WANT TO despite not really being hungry, which is how I most always have eaten. But the discoveries in #3 DO make it seem tolerable and actually doable, to not eat when I can recognize that I am truly NOT hungry. Does that make sense? Thankfully it does to me, which is all that matters since it's my journey.
5. I thought I'd have this type 2 all wrapped up pretty quickly, given the brisk response of my blood sugars in the first couple of weeks. I'm staying normal through the days, but so far, the lowest I've gotten my fasting sugar in the morning is 109! Damn - MY goal is under 100, and preferably lower. Apparently this is going to take time, and paying close attention to what I eat, when I eat, etc. It's a process, not a one time event from which I'll graduate.
I've been doing tons of reading up on type 2, recommended food plans, etc. I see for myself that low carb eating is going to be the way to go for me. Really low carb, but not as radical as Atkins Induction. There are so many resources out there now for this condition that I feel lucky, because I've already gotten some great menu and meal ideas, and lots of good recipes. And I've barely scraped the surface, both on information gathering as well as finding my bliss point. But I'm grateful to be in the process, and I feel more clear headed and calm than I have in ages. Maybe I really can say goodbye to "the whites" (sugar, flour, simple high glycemic carbs), and from there anything seems possible.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Don't even get me started
I was all set to write this morning but have had a work day where all hell broke lose early and is just now settling down. Oh well, they call it Monday for a reason...
I don't have a whole lot today other than to say I'm still checking my blood sugar and have gotten my fastings down to 101, except for this morning when I couldn't test because I ran out of strips. Now before all the naysayers rally to accuse me of not being prepared and not owning my truth, I can honestly say running out of test strips was not my fault. I got my glucometer last Wednesday afternoon at my primary care doc's office. It came with 10 lancets and 10 test strips.
The nurse practitioner gave me scripts for full bottles of testing strips and for the lancets with which one pricks one's finger to obtain one's blood specimen for testing. (And yes, you may assume from my increasingly crisp verbiage I am in a snit over this episode...) Saturday morning I took the Rxs to the drug store. When I went to pick up the stuff, the pharmacy tech asked, "You just had the one prescription??" I answered that it was really 2, with the strips and the lancets. Well. The pharmacist stepped over and told me that they couldn't fill the testing strips until they were precertified by my insurance company. Are you kidding me? They're more than happy to pay for the lancets to get the blood, but not the strips to test the blood?
I'm not lying - the pharmacist said this happens all the time. The strips are expensive - the lancets aren't, so they (the insurance companies) give the patient the runaround and add to the bullshit nonsense busy-work for the busy primary care practice to have to call in and get a precert. for the strips. In a million years it wouldn't have occurred to me that there would be any problem at all getting test strips for blood sugar. This is such an example of the absolute shambles in which our country is regarding access to basic healthcare and such.
Had I known there would be drama getting my test strips, I'd have brought home my glucometer from work again, but being a rational sentient being, I assumed it would be a non-issue for a type 2 diabetic to get blood sugar test strips. So until my precert "comes in", I will be using my work meter for the morning fastings.
It's almost time for me to go home from work and I have errands to do, so I'll stop for now. But I have a lot of thoughts about being almost 2 full weeks in to fully acknowledging and accepting and OWNING my type 2 and dealing with it. And also some observations of how I'm feeling physically as I clean up my food and other aspects of my act!
I don't have a whole lot today other than to say I'm still checking my blood sugar and have gotten my fastings down to 101, except for this morning when I couldn't test because I ran out of strips. Now before all the naysayers rally to accuse me of not being prepared and not owning my truth, I can honestly say running out of test strips was not my fault. I got my glucometer last Wednesday afternoon at my primary care doc's office. It came with 10 lancets and 10 test strips.
The nurse practitioner gave me scripts for full bottles of testing strips and for the lancets with which one pricks one's finger to obtain one's blood specimen for testing. (And yes, you may assume from my increasingly crisp verbiage I am in a snit over this episode...) Saturday morning I took the Rxs to the drug store. When I went to pick up the stuff, the pharmacy tech asked, "You just had the one prescription??" I answered that it was really 2, with the strips and the lancets. Well. The pharmacist stepped over and told me that they couldn't fill the testing strips until they were precertified by my insurance company. Are you kidding me? They're more than happy to pay for the lancets to get the blood, but not the strips to test the blood?
I'm not lying - the pharmacist said this happens all the time. The strips are expensive - the lancets aren't, so they (the insurance companies) give the patient the runaround and add to the bullshit nonsense busy-work for the busy primary care practice to have to call in and get a precert. for the strips. In a million years it wouldn't have occurred to me that there would be any problem at all getting test strips for blood sugar. This is such an example of the absolute shambles in which our country is regarding access to basic healthcare and such.
Had I known there would be drama getting my test strips, I'd have brought home my glucometer from work again, but being a rational sentient being, I assumed it would be a non-issue for a type 2 diabetic to get blood sugar test strips. So until my precert "comes in", I will be using my work meter for the morning fastings.
It's almost time for me to go home from work and I have errands to do, so I'll stop for now. But I have a lot of thoughts about being almost 2 full weeks in to fully acknowledging and accepting and OWNING my type 2 and dealing with it. And also some observations of how I'm feeling physically as I clean up my food and other aspects of my act!
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