Monday, April 15, 2013

Surrender to win

Brief post today, but I have to share my ELATION about my type 2 journey.  I had a good weekend - lots of exercise, clean eating, connections with friends...all stuff that would be great on its own.  But I had a huge surprise this morning.  Actually a shock - my fasting blood sugar was 90.  Ninety!  That's entirely in the normal range.  Not borderline range...NORMAL.

Don't worry, I know I'm not normal and never will be.  But I've been diligent and committed in the last 6 weeks (since my Ground Zero experience), and the number has come down steadily.  It's always going to be up and down, but I know at a deep level that it hasn't been at a normal number, even for a day, in a very long time.  VERY.  My Hgb A1C was proof of that.

I can't know for sure because I was too afraid to know.  Too ashamed to own a "fat person's disease" (in my mind only), too ashamed to go into a store with a prescription for a glucometer because "they" (the pharmacy staff?  people in line?  WTF?) would know I had a problem.  Like anyone couldn't look at me and suspect I was a walking mass of simple processed carbohydrates, not that what anyone else thinks matters. Except it does, of course.  But taken to the extreme, that shame and denial was keeping me sick, sluggish and sloppy.  Hmm - the 3 S's of denial?  They fit for me, which may just be a topic for another post.

My greatest shame/fear has become my greatest asset.  This is a widely discussed phenomenon in AA.  As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change.  I sit here today and tell you that I didn't have a light bulb moment.  I didn't hear a message emanate from a burning bush.  I wasn't aware of hitting a bottom, because I'd been dwelling on the bottom (and feeding there) for so long.  I'm beginning to suspect that the grace of God has something to do with this, because I couldn't do it for my whole life.  I know that I was able to get and stay sober by this same grace, but had begun to suspect that was all I'd get, and that I'd have to muster up the where-with-all to get healthy and lose weight on my own.

I'm not going all religious here, but I do believe in a spiritual reality(that I call God) that moves among us and is present always.  This is my many years in AA coming through.  I've seen devout agnostics and atheists relieved of the obsession for alcohol after years of devastating drinking, without any concrete belief in any specific deity or doctrine.  And of course, many who are devout in their beliefs as well.  But my current state just couldn't have come from me, because I've been trying, wishing, hoping, and praying for a lifting of my food obsessive behaviors and drives for years.

Another AA saying I've heard a lot over the years but never felt it apply to me, even with my long-term sobriety, is "Surrender to Win".  I didn't even get what it really meant, but I do now.  Accepting (and surrendering to) my type 2 diabetes has given me tools and capabilities I didn't have before.   I see it as a gift, just like my alcoholism has been a gift.  All I can say is that I'm grateful.  The type 2, or I, may all go to hell in a hand basket tomorrow, but for today I'm good.  And happy to be in awe of a fasting blood sugar of 90!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Motivation for moi

Quote from an unknown recovering person:  "IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU'LL KEEP GETTING WHAT YOU'RE GETTING."  I know that's true!

Good morning!  Thank you for the helpful comments to my Monday post.  I'm still hanging in, and continuing the learning process of how food affects my blood sugar, energy level, and definitely emotional balance!  It's a never ending story, for sure.

I don't have a lot more to report right now except that I had my lowest fasting blood sugar this morning since I've started paying attention and testing...102.  From a medical standpoint, below 100 is the goal, so it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and a huge shot of motivation when I saw that this morning.  Of course this is a number that fluctuates constantly, so it won't ever be always "good" or "bad".  But the trend is definitely moving in the right direction.  I'm actually already excited for my June blood work to see how my HgbA1C has been affected (or if).

Also, I'm wearing a pair of pants today, just out of the dryer, that after 2 hours of wearing, are so baggy that I might run home and change, because they look ridiculous.  Like pajama pants.

That's it for me now - have a good Friday eve!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Hungry Monday

The title says it all.  I'm hungry.  HUNGRY.  And I finished lunch only about 45 minutes ago.  I feel so "empty stomach" hungry that I checked my blood sugar, and it's 110.  Pretty decent for 45 minutes after a meal.  And not too low in any way.  So I guess I'm just hungry.

Some days are just hungry days.  I've been doing very well with food and exercise.  Since the day I had my blood drawn, I've lost 9 pounds - a little over a month ago.  Now, a few of those pounds had found their way back onto my Rubenesque body in the weeks before, so on My Fitness Pal, it looks like I've lost only 5.  But trust me, it's 9 with change, as my digital scale weighs in tenths of pounds.  9.4 to be exact.

I've been trying to stay very low carb, - averaging 35-60 gms per day.  If you're comparing that to Atkins Induction, it sounds high.  Compare it to my usual diet prior to attacking my Type 2, and it is paltrier than paltry.  I'm hearing some comments related to "are you losing....?'", which is nice, of course.  I'm in pants I couldn't wear at all, and just bought a couple new cheap pairs at Kohl's in a smaller size.  It's all good.  Yes?

What is happening is what frequently has happened in the past when I began successfully changing things up and dropping weight.  My head is getting squirrely.  Specifically my thinking.  Like squirrels are literally running around up there messing up my circuitry.  I'm wanting to restrict eating to "move this along", but know that is wrong with a capital WRONG.  Or, I want to have a free day and "get back on" tomorrow.  Or go lower on carbs. Or give this whole thing up.  Or fast for a day.  Lots of highly intelligent thoughts, si?  And as an addict of the first order, I know this is where the dysfunction and disordered eating is percolating - tapping my shoulder and trying to woo me over to the dark side.  As in chocolate (preferably not that dark!) and assorted edibles over which I'm truly powerless once they enter into my mouth.

This is like early sobriety when things being settling down, and one is starting to feel much better, and beginning to believe that "maybe I can do this".  And then the thought of a drink buzz, or a nice little journey to oblivion for awhile begins to pop up.  It's destructive thinking, and it can quickly lead to destructive drinking.  Again.  I finally made it through that a couple decades ago with the booze; but I haven't made it through in my quest for recovery from food addiction, overeating and obesity.  YET.

There are some differences this time.  My blood sugar meter is with me most of the time, and when I've had an occasion off-plan indulgence, I check my sugar to see just what the "treat" afforded me in terms of screwing with my sugar.  Seeing a high blood sugar is a lot more concrete and hard core than just wishing I hadn't just eaten whatever it was I ate.  It's like, reality, man!  More than that, by some miracle, I'm willing to check the number, rather than just be afraid of it.  That is still amazing to me.  Somehow, I now get that the number is what it is or (as I've paraphrased) it ALREADY is what it is and not knowing doesn't change it or make it go down.

I feel that I am present in the arena with the type 2 now, and I'm not going to let it betray me, beat me and erode my health.  I'm not fighting and invisible unknown enemy - I am able to monitor its whereabouts and take action to beat it back.  This has become more about Type 2 diabetes than losing weight, oddly enough.  The glucometer doesn't lie.  Sometimes the scale does, or gives me numbers that I can explain away by recalling a salty meal, being bloated, etc.  All the retained water in the world is not going to change my blood sugar.  And being faithful in using the meter and getting the blood sugar down is so far affecting my weight.  So far, so good.

My eating disordered mind still scares me.  I can't suddenly ignore it, or the voices it generates will eventually lure me back to disordered eating.  But I feel I have more tools now to stand up to my crazy ass mind.

This probably sounds like gobbledy gook, but it makes sense to me.  And even moreso as I sit here and write about it.  I had no intention of posting today, but as my hunger was roiling and I was contemplating eating something I'd regret, it seemed a good idea to write about it.  And believe it or not, I feel better for now.

Lastly, I can't say how wonderful it feels to wake up without regret in the morning.  This was an early reward in sobriety for me, and now with my diabetes journey to this point.  Absence of remorse on a daily basis is a great way to start each day.