Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Movin' on down the road

Hi all - Checking back in after being away for 10 days over the last week and a half.  Our trip to Atlanta was fine and I did feel as good in my own skin with the "beautiful in-laws" as I ever had.  They're great people;  I love them;  they love me and I truly believe that.  This is big progress, folks.  After blogging for just over 3 years, I can see how far I've come in self knowledge and self acceptance.  I belong to the human race AND to my family as much as anyone.  I'm not trying to convince myself of that - I believe it and I very happily and gratefully own it.

I've written many pre-Atlanta trip posts about how beautiful, smart and comprehensively attractive in every way my husband's family is and how I always have felt unworthy of being counted among their ranks.  The reality is that from my youngest days (think post-toddler capacity for very early snippets of memory) I always felt that way.  Regardless of how my feelings did or did not represent reality - I grew up believing I was unattractive (at best) and essentially different and less than the rest of humanity.  Whatever got passed out when one was born didn't get included in my life's dowry by the Great Giver of All Gifts.  Sad but true.  I'm not blaming anyone or anything - it was what it was, in my twisted little mind.

I've spent virtually all of my adolescent and adult years working on myself.  In the early days, the work was about escaping the reality of my self-applied sullied essence.  Food worked; alcohol and assorted other substances also helped my create a persona that seemed acceptable.  Profound people pleasing tendencies, right down to agreeing with everything you said so I'd be deemed okay and "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a strategy I honed to precision.  I kept the balls in the air with these tactics for a long time, but eventually the absence of a true core and any genuine knowledge of self began to unravel my self constructed facade of "normal person with a touch of edge".

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've been in and out of therapy over the years.  Back in 1991 I began a journey I never knew I really needed (or wanted to make) by starting to go to AA meetings at the suggestion of the therapist I was currently seeing.  (Good girl people pleasers do what their therapists suggest...)  I even quit drinking after starting to go to the meetings, and my life began a real genuine glacial move towards the light.  LIGHT.  And I actually found the path that has led me to myself.

Obviously as a blogger about my less than successful weight loss endeavors, there is more to do.  My earliest coping mechanism of overeating is still deeply grooved in my neural pathways.  But I'm coming to see that caring about, knowing and loving who I am greatly increases the liklihood that I will stay the course of the journey and find the weight loss and peace with food I've long sought.  It's already happening.  The way I am right now, today, is fine.  I can get better.  I can stay the same.  But I won't backslide.  I can't do that to someone I love.


Like others in the blogosphere, I'm feeling the need to step away for awhile.  Again.  How many times can I say the same things, wring my same hands, gnash my same teeth?  I'm not going to shut down.  But I'm not going it alone either.  If anything monumental happens, like I wake up finding myself 30 pounds lighter one day, you'll know!  For now, virtual reality is not supporting me the was real reality is.  That tells me it's a great time to investigate the real even more deeply.

Hasta luego.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

What the holy crap?!?!?

My life has truly been very busy and full, which has definitely impacted my blogging.  So here I am on a Sunday morning to check in.  You'll hear why in a minute...(cliffhanger???)  My daughter has been here 2 weeks, and we've had such a good time.  No fighting between Jeannie and Mommy!  I feel like I'm on a perpetual vacation, except that pesky job I have.  Good news - I really like my job, so that's okay.  Bad news, I hate not being at home to hang out and play.  Welcome to reality, Leslie.

While Jean has been here, I've been doing tons of good vegetarian cooking, as Jean has been vegetarian for a long time.  I feel like I've been eating well, and definitely not bingeing, but also not counting any particular grams, cals, morsels in, etc.  I haven't been avoiding anything in particular, but haven't gone batshit crazy with cravings or out of control eating either.  I hadn't weighed since June 20th (my last post), and so I've been fearing weight gain, though my clothes weren't indicating that.  Finally this morning, 10 days after my last weigh in, I got on the scale, fervently praying for maintenance (at best) while fearing a substantial gain.

Guess what (and yes, this is the reason I'm posting today as I couldn't wait until tomorrow)??!!  I've lost 4 pounds in those 10 days!  I actually got off the scale and back on to see if my eyes were deceiving me.  Same thing - 203.  Then I moved the scale to a different spot...same thing.  Wow - and upon seeing that x3, I acknowledged to myself that I knew I'd been doing well and was halfway expecting a decent reading, despite my fear and trepidation of the scale beast.  I was trying to keep my expectations at zero or lower.

To say I'm delighted would be a massive understatement.  This is the lowest I've been in a loooonnnggg time - I'd have to read back through many months or longer to know when I was last this low. 

Now obviously, I've lost the pounds before - countless times.  And there is much left to do - and to lose.  But I'm still heartened and grateful and even a tiny bit proud that I've been able to find a little peace with food for the last few weeks.  I noted in my last post that summer is always a better time for weight loss for me - maybe because of how much I perspire!!!  I've gotten to a certain point in the last 3 years (192), blogging about how low I'm going to go, only to never get an ounce below that number.  I'm not cured, but this reminds and assures me that my body can lose weight when I eat less and move more.  Conversely - it can gain like a sonofabitch when I do the opposite. 

So - I'm giving myself a pat on the back, but also a stern reminder to stay in a day at a time.  A meal at a time, and an insane craving at a time.  I hope this is a springboard for continued success and progress as I seek my long coveted Peace Treaty with Food.