Friday, April 27, 2012

Drive through post

Hi Friends - Thanks so much for the supportive and positive comments to my brain dumpage.  I just ran home from  work to get something and am checking in quickly because this is the 2nd day in a row at work that we have no internet.  Zip.  Nada.  It's killing me, which shows me how much time I spend doing my own stuff on company time!  Yikes - I can't let on how disconnected I felt yesterday, not being able to read blogs or post, go to Amazon or wherever else my heart desires.

I do have a post in the pipeline of my brain, but it'll have to wait.  Hopefully the internet will reappear before the workday is over.  But I wanted to share a couple quick things.

I did weigh in yesterday morning and I'm 210.  As I suspected, I am maintaining.  Not good, but infinitely better than gaining.  Had a clean day yesterday in addition to a 50 minute power walk with a friend.  Drinking oceans of H20.  Sticking with it - gonna do this.

I also scheduled the foreboding appointment with my primary for a physical and bloodwork.  Good for me - the appt. isn't til May 17, and they want to give me the blood slip then - after the appt in case anything comes up to check.  So I actually have time to work on that damn blood sugar by keeping the carbs low and the sugar lower (which is at the crux for me).  Could also knock off a few pounds if I work at it.  IF.  I intend to, but you all know my intender has a bad history with follow through.

Also, for the last 2 mornings, I've come down to a clean kitchen with no dishes in the sink.  The counters are still not to my white glove standards, but progress is progress.  And I am no where near a white glove person - if you saw my house, you'd know.  But the kitchen is where those tendencies do come to play for me.  Anyway, I'm thankful for the improvements, temporal though they may be.

That's it for today - OH!  I'm wanting to change the name of my blog because I can't the title - if anyone who has a handle on me has any ideas - feel free to share.  I'm also going to change the template - hopefully into something much more interesting.  I need to spruce things up a bit.

Have a great weekend, all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Major Brain Dump Ahead

WARNING:  I'm in a mood....

I'm posting today because I want to connect, but I'm sort of at a loss for what to chat about.  I've been in a bit of a funk - nothing serious.  It's really more feeling very annoyed, taken advantage of, and put upon by my husband and 2 sons who are currently living at home (but won't be for much longer, and then I'll be missing them like crazy =O )!  I have to note that they really haven't done anything wrong, and a lot of this spring of my discontent is rooted in my own squirrel-i-ness with myself, I guess.  More on that in a minute...

I haven't weighed for about 2 weeks...again because I think I'm doing well and really can't deal with the mental masturbation that the scale evokes, esp. when  I've been doing pretty well, having mostly good days.  I haven't had any binges, and when I eat off plan, it's better quality stuff like fruit, low fat cheese sticks or occasional rice cakes or high fiber crackers.  I've been walking 5-6 times a week.  But my clothes don't feel different, so I suspect I'm maintaining a weight I don't want to be at.  Maybe not.  Maybe so.

Don't I sound balanced and grounded?  I'm even sick of myself right now, yet I can honestly say that as recently as Monday (yes, the one 2 days ago) I was feeling great - grateful, content, even enjoying my job!!!  If I wasn't 5 years post menopausal (maybe more) I'd think I had PMS.

My frustration with the men in the house is that they don't clean up the dishes like I do - or at all, as was the case this morning.  Feel free to glaze over and back slowly away from this post...but I need to vent.  There's a sequence of events leading to the morning violation of a sink full of dirty dishes and I need to splat it out somewhere!

Yesterday I left work at 3:30, visited a friend in the hospital, stopped at the grocery store, came home and never left the kitchen because I started dinner.  Then my boys (they're working together at a construction job temporarily) came in from work around 5:15 which was good, because they took the dog out in the yard and frisbee-ed with him for awhile.  Once back in, the dog was sitting on the mat by the door (only place he can sit in the kitchen and not slide as we have hardwood floors) and started making urping sounds like he was going to throw up.  I asked # 1 son to take him back out - son replied, "I'm watching him, I think he's just clearing his throat...", followed my more urping, and then predictably the dog threw up on the mat.  As my son is taking the mat and the dog outside, I told him he could toss the mat in the trash b/c it's old, has no grip on the bottom anymore, and is pretty ragged.

Now get son says, "See Mom, your generation needs to learn that things don't need to get thrown out just because they're old.  Things sit in landfills the kitchen brushes you throw out every week or so...".  At that point I should have just excused myself from the "conversation" (while I'm busily putting HIS dinner together), but I decided to continue on, boldly defending my "generation", my choices, and reminding him that when he has his own home, he can hang onto everything 'til the cows come home.  Become a hoarder, for Heaven's sake.  He was crabby, I was crabbier, and by the way - Hubby was playing golf, due home around 6:45 for the dinner that would be lovingly prepared by his witch of a wife.

Dinner was uneventful, but immediately following, the evening sports extravaganza began - hockey playoffs, Phillies, celebrity curling, for all I know;  so I went upstairs to read and watch "Say Yes To The Dress".  I left the dishes because generally, in our house, the cook doesn't do the dishes.  I fell asleep pretty early, and came downstairs this morning about 4:45 (my usual wake up time) to the kitchen in the same state as I'd left it - plus a few ice cream bowls for good measure.  Normally this would annoy me, but I'd just clean it up, smugly thinking that I do much better job of it anyway (like washing the dishes before they go in the dishwasher - I know - I'm nuts but no one has died from ptomaine in my house yet), and actually wiping down the counters...(what is it with males who don't clean the counters???at least the way I do???).  But today, I was just so majorly irritated that I donned my martyr role and wore it loudly and ridiculously, slamming pots and doors and making enough noise through my righteously indignant sighs alone to wake up my whole street.

Is this the stupidest post you've ever read?  I know, and I'm sorry.  I'm just in chronic whine mode (which is better than chronic WINE mode, trust me!), and not feeling great about myself.  I'm afraid to get on the scale and afraid to not.  I need to schedule a routine check up with my Primary, but I'm afraid my blood sugar or B/P will be bad, so I'm putting it off.  I'm avoiding facing myself where I am today, and fully aware of it which makes everything worse.  None of this is about my family, or other people, or dirty the very core it's about fear and resentment and wanting things to be other than how they are.  Fear - that I can't  get my weight loss and health act together.  Take steps that will benefit me in the now, as well as in the long run.  Fear of failure, fear of success.

Remember when I said that just 2 days ago (Monday), I was feeling so good?  Well, that was a temporary condition, because these concerns and issues of self care and making my appointments, submitting receipts for FSA reimbursements....all kinds of stuff, have been plaguing me for awhile.  I beat them back, but if they aren't just dealt with squarely, one at a time, they simmer and send up vapors into my psyche - eroding my well-being and making me feel out of control and powerless over everything.  I'm powerless over a lot of stuff, but not about doing the things I know I need to do.

Whew!  Maybe I don't feel better yet, but just getting all that out, in as random and hard-to-follow ranting as I did, will help. Sorry for the downer post, but every once in awhile, you just need to really dump it all.  I'm sure there's more, but this is enough for now.  If you made it through this whole post, better go take some Ibuprofen and lie down.  Or remove me from your blogroll!

Friday, April 20, 2012

On the fly

I'm just posting to say I'm fine and things are going well.  My food has been pretty good this week, and I will weigh in on Monday morning and report.

Work has been very busy with a big state licensing, and until Wednesday morning, we had no cable at home (so no tv, phone or internet...#%&*#bundling!), and at work my computer developed a bad virus the required "rebuilding", and I couldn't make heads or tails (or post, or comment) until Wednesday.

Anyhoo - TGIF, and I plan to be back to more frequent blogging next week.  Have a restful weekend.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Home Ec. 101 and assorted other stuff

Thanks everyone for the understanding comments yesterday, and for not telling me not to feel what I was feeling!  What a difference a day has been mostly peaceful and manageable.  My emotional clutter from yesterday is where it yesterday.  No emotional hangover either, because I didn't do anything self destructive or stupid.

I have several random and unrelated things to talk about, so here goes:

1.  I went back to the eye doctor yesterday for my first eye pressure test ("IOP - intraocular pressure in optometry speak) since starting the drops I talked about here when it was incidentally discovered that I had high pressure in both eyes.  In the interim, I'd gone back for some glaucoma testing which is necessary once high pressure is discovered.  Yesterday was good news X 3, because my pressure is down lower than they thought it would be after a month on the drops; I passed the glaucoma testing with flying colors; and I definitely DO NOT have glaucoma.  Turns out I have thick corneas (like you Helen), which can make the readings a little higher (though mine was more than a little), and that is a good thing for protection of the eyes.  The other good news is that it turns out that these drops will make my eyelashes longer, thicker and darker!  Woot - I'm one of the less hirsute individuals that's ever roamed the earth, so I'll be welcoming that "side effect"!

2.  This morning I opted to not go to my usual meeting so as not to upset that newly calmed applecart after yesterday's violations of snarky hair comments and know-it-all blowhards.  Instead, I decided to hang out at home and make another of the sweet potato/egg/spinach/sausage casserole of Helen's.  This time I did a photo essay, and also changed things up a bit.  I used more onion than the recipe calls for; I used Bob Evans' Turkey sausage crumbles - a 9 ounce pkg as compared to the 16 oz reduced fat pork sausage of last time.  I used more spinach, and most notably, I had leftover butternut squash.  Instead of sweet potato, I thought this would be a lower carb and lower glycemic index addition:
I had a piece for breakfast, and while good, it was nowhere near as decadently delicious as the first time I made it.  First - the butternut squash was MEH at best.  It also was still a tad firm even with the same amount of microwave and cook time.  Flavor much less satisfying.  The sausage was also not nearly as good - the first time with 16 oz, you really got a succulent savory blast of sausage goodness  in every bite.  This had less sausage, and it wasn't as flavorful.  Other than those 2 differences, it was good.  I'll still make it again but go back to red. fat pork sausage and use 10 0z.  And of course, the real McCoy for the sweet potato.

3.  I've recently discovered golden raisins - of course I'd heard of them forever, but was suspicious of their non-brown appearance.  Well - I used some in a recipe awhile back, and realize they are softer, more flavorful, and just a yummier version of their darker cousin.  Despite trying to stick with low carb and mostly Paleo type eating, I have oatmeal maybe 2-3 mornings a week.  Now I've been putting 2 Tbsp. of the goldens in for the last couple minutes of cooking, and it takes the oatmeal to a whole new level.  If you haven't tried it, though you probably have because I'm usually the last one to know about these little life surprises, definitely give them a shot.  You'll never eat brown again.
 4.  Inspired by Shelley of the Sit and Knit diet, I'm posting a picture of a baby blanket I'm working on for a pregnant niece.  She's due in July, and this is about a third done, so I'm pretty sure I'll make it in time.

 I'll get another picture when it's complete.  It's great to do while watching episodes of Dexter and Mad Men!

5.  Last but not least, I started this post at work, and now it's 4:15.  I left work an hour early and did a 3 mile power walk with a friend.  It's a gorgeous day here - the only downside is the voluminous pollen that is tormenting my nasal passages now.

Have a good weekend everyone, and thanks again for being such wonderful blog humans!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

FREAK OUT!!!! (in jagged letters)

I just had a visit from a very old and distant entity...the thought of a drink, no, a DRUNK, actually came into my head for a second.  I'm sober over 20 1/2 years and I love my sober life.  It's been years since the thought of a drinking popped up, and since I can't go to an AA meeting at the moment to share about it, I'll dump it here (and at a meeting later! :) ).

It would be ridiculous for me to enumerate the annoyances and aggravations that have come my way today - starting at my AA meeting, of all places.  That was in the form of a couple of blowhards who think they invented sobriety and that they are the Grand Poobahs of AA.  (This must sound nuts to those who've never experienced an AA meeting, because who would want to be a grand poobah of a bunch of drunks?) These guys think they have to speak at every meeting and grace us with their wisdom - actually between them they ego the size of about 50 Grand Canyons.  And in AA, we tolerate that because if we tell them they can't speak about whatever BS they want to speak about, then someone could tell me the same thing.  Hard to explain, but a few of my readers will get it.

The other thing at the meeting that put a burr in my saddle was that a pretty good friend who always sits next to me made a comment that irritated me.  Before the meeting started, another gal who hadn't been to the meeting in a long time (and so hadn't seen my newly gray/white/platinum hair said she loved my hair and that it looked fantastic.  Well this "friend" next to me says, "Yes - it actually contrasts well with your skin.  Before, it seemed like whatever color you got sort of blended in with your face."  Say what, bitch?  Actually I said nothing, but I did etch it in stone in my rememberer!  Don't mess with me lady!  Did that comment, even if she really thought that, need to be said?  Out loud?  Please.

Anyway, then I came to work, and it's been one crazy thing after another.  At lunch I ran home to check the mail for a long awaited check (that wasn't there), and on the way back, I was having streams of thoughts about "there's no way I can stay at this job for 8 more years!" (retirement age), I hate "so and so" for her crap attitude at work" name 2 of a zillion - and all of a sudden, the thought flashed in my mind, "I wish I could get obliterated right now!"  What?  Huh?  Me?  Where'd that come from?  I'm not going to drink, nor do I want to.

Guess what followed quickly...the thought of eating some crappy junky sweet something or other.  Talk about a clear view into my addictive nature, and the emotional component that drives it!  I just picked up the phone and vented to a gal I sponsor (telling her she was going to sponsor me for a few minutes), and that really helped.  This gal gasped when I told her what the woman said about my hair (which was very validating), and then the rest of my rampage just gave her the giggles.  That sort of let the air out of my anger balloon.  And I felt mostly better.  Hopefully this post will get the rest of the ball of resentment, frustration and anger to fully dissipate.

Argh - I don't want to drink.  I don't want to binge.  I don't even want to eat anything other than what I have planned for the whole day.  So I'm eating my salad and biding my time until the junk for store closes at 1:30, which it is now, and I'm going to do the next right thing.  And as I've learned to do in AA, I'm going to start my day over again.  Right now.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Wife plays while Tomcat and kittens away

I'm coming off of a great long weekend, and feeling pretty good.  I was off work from Thursday through Monday, and the best part of all was that hubby and the 2 boys (who are currently living at home but won't be for long) went to Atlanta for their annual trek to the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, leaving me home alone for the first time in over a year!  I love them all dearly, but I cherish that alone time, in the house, without the usual meal prep, cleaning up after THEY think they've cleaned know how it is. :)  Basically it was 100% me time, and after Wednesday, I didn't even have to go to work!

I had such a good and relaxing time.  I got some gardening done, read, watched far too many episodes of Mad Men, in order to catch up to the current season (love that show!), went and saw Hunger Games with friends (loved it - glad I'd read the book first), took ~3 mile walks each day,  knit, ate pretty healthy except for one day where I didn't, saw friends, was a hermit when I didn't want to be with people...the options were endless!!!  I really felt rested, filled up, and at peace.  Cleaned out a couple closets too.  I feel like a new woman.

Last night, hubby and older son got home around 11:45 (younger son with his girlfriend in Cincinnati) - having driven all day, and I was so glad to see them!  Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder; too much togetherness makes the head a little crazy.  Like with most things in life, it's about balance.  Mostly I love being with my family, but every once in awhile, it's imperative to get away (or get them to go away!) to refresh and renew one's outlook, mindset and spirit.  Done, done, and done.  And I was just starting to miss them like crazy.

I'm even happy to be back at work...I know I can only handle a certain amount of unstructured time before I start to get loco in the cabesa. 

I'm currently looking for a picture of me as a kid, and I'm going to do the "When I Was A Kid" post with the 20 favorite things from childhook that Karen and Roni posted (and probably a zillion others, as I'm usually a day late and dollar short for this stuff in the blog world).  Hopefully that will be tomorrow.  Also, I'm going to post a picture of a current knitting project, inspired by Shelley, who is turning into the Bruce Springsteen of knitting. 

I'm about done with my humongous salad, and have meds to give - so signing off for now.  A walk after work is etched in stone on my planner, and then cooking a decent meal for the hub and son.  Have a good day all!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Such a shame

I had a good weekend in many ways - most notably that I have not had another surprise attack from the binge monster since last Monday (that I whined posted about last Thursday), and for that I'm grateful. My binge resulted in 3 refound pounds that I've lost again, but no further lost. It's really stunning how easy it is to regain a few pounds from a high carb binge, yet how hard it is, at the overripe age of 58, to lose it. Back in the day, I could knock of those pounds in 24 hours by very lean eating, running and overall good behavior. Yet another reason for the adage "Aging isn't for sissies." Amen.

Okay - I started this post yesterday and got so busy at work that I never got back to it. I'm happy to say that I had another binge free day yesterday to add to what I wrote of above.

Before I continue with the regular portion of my post, it seems relevant to tell part of what got me so busy at work yesterday that derailed my post, and some of my usual work tasks. One of our social workers, a lean and fit, bright, late 20's guy came into my office and said he was sorry to bother me, but he felt like crap. He reported bad brain fog, tingling hands and feet, and feeling very shaky. He said he's experienced this on and off for several months, but that it worsened over the weekend, and then yesterday was particularly bad to the point where he couldn't focus well on his work. He also reported a very strong family history of diabetes - sibs, parents, grandparents and beyond. Most of them Type 2, and all diagnosed pretty young.

I asked if he'd eaten breakfast - "No." Not even milk in coffee? "Just the powdered stuff." So I immediately checked his blood sugar, and it was 56!!! This is pretty low - a good range is 70-95. 60s are starting to get dicey, and below that begins to start showing the exact symptoms he reported - esp. the shakiness and brainfog. (Low blood sugar is a serious condition, potentially lethal. It requires prompt treatment.) So I got him a can of real coke to drink, plus a cup of sweetened applesauce. After 20 minutes, I checked again, and his sugar was only up to 58. His heart was racing (also a symptom), so then he ate a Tasty Kake and another can of coke. 30 minutes later his blood sugar finally got to 101, and he said he was feeling more normal. Whew! At that point it was safe to let him drive home and call his doctor and report all this stuff.

He's back this morning - having set up an appointment with his doc for later today, having eaten a good breakfast, and carrying both simple and complex carbs with him - just in case. Chances are, he's going to turn up with Type 2, or for now with a clearly revealed hypoglycemia that is often a precursor to the onset of full on Diabetes. Big stuff.

Why I share this is because this guy is young, healthy, active, lean, works out...lives an exemplary lifestyle, and the least likely person one would expect to be experiencing early signs of diabetes at such a young age. And guess what - in all the time I spent with him yesterday and talking with him this morning, there is one huge thing missing from his experience of all this that I cannot claim for myself...SHAME. He isn't ashamed and beating himself up for somehow doing this to himself. His absence of shame is as palpable as the presence of shame in me for having hypertension (since early 30s when I was very lean and fit), and for my own Type 2 that has developed in the last 6 years.

It's easy for me to explain his absence of shame by noting his lifestyle. Yet when my blood pressure got too high back in my most fit and healthy days (which runs in both sides of my family), before I spent many years abusing my body with booze and food, I DID feel shame. As though it's hard-wired into my bone marrow. Argh...childhood, "issues", old baggage...wherever it came from, shame has not been my friend. Shame does not motivate, or engender compassion - it does the opposite. It skews my self appraisal, rendering me full of self disgust and self pummeling. I'm better than I was, but have a long way to go. It's funny how something can come into awareness from such a random source.

Well, that's enough from me today...I had no intention of going into all that. The realization of the shame issue sort of came into awareness as I sat typing. I will spare you all and not make this post even longer than it already is. I guess this was what needed to come out today. Have a good Tuesday, friends!