It's high time I put something up in place of the birthday post! My birthday was very nice - I left work 45 minutes early and watched about 6 episodes of Arrested Development with youngest son. Quite hilarious, but I recommended it to one friend who reported back to me that it was "weird and stupid", and "not funny". Interesting because I told her she wouldn't like it, knowing her sense of humor is no where near as demented as mine.
Anyway, (it doesn't take much for me to digress, si?) then hubby and son and I went to dinner at a lovely BYO that had been recommended, and it was great. Pricey, but delicious and worth the $$$$. I'm just thinking I should have taken pics of our meals, because they were so artfully presented, but I've gotten out of the habit of doing a whole lot of blog pics. I should reinstate more pics for visual interest, and less of my blathering! I had broiled scallops along side of a small light and custardy corn pudding - to die for! Also had an arugula, goat cheese and strawberry salad with a citrus vinaigrette that was also great. I actually recreated it last night for dinner, though I didn't get the dsg. quite right. It was good, but missing something. I'll keep working on it. Because of the prices, we decided to forgo dessert at the restaurant and headed to the local Rita's for water ice. It was the hottest day we've had in years (104), and water ice was one of the few things that could cool us off from the inside out! It was also many fewer calories than some of the desserts they offered would have been.
Hubby and son gave me nice presents - sonny boy gave me the first season of the show Dexter, which is one I've been wanting to watch and can't find at the library. Has a pretty dark theme, but as much as I love dememted humor, I also can enjoy a little darkness on occasion. Have any of youse seen it? (Every once in awhile I like to toss out some Phillyspeak for ya!) My son, who knows me very well, assures me it's right up my alley. My favorite show of all time was Six Feet Under - also dark, but fantastic.
Because of the heat, I haven't done much walking, and it's making me nuts. I did a Leslie Sansone DVD a couple of days just to get moving, but it doesn't give me the great feeling that a good 5 mile walk outdoors does. I'm not trying to wish away time, but I'm looking forward to fall weather in a few months. I really feel like I need to join a gym again and am kind of regretting having terminated my membership from the Cadillac gym I went to. It was great, but $90/month, plus extra if you signed up for classes. I know I can find a perfectly good gym for less. Will keep you posted on my search.
My food has been pretty good. Still not sugar free, and the fact that I am currently finding myself not able to leave it out completely tells me that's exactly what I need to do. Between the birthday, a baby shower this past Sunday, a friend bringing me homemade cookies, I'm just not WILLING to do it right now. Defiance rather than denial seems at the core here. I'm not bingeing and that's huge for me. But not enough. I'm not self-flagellating here - just being honest.
I've just started reading The Help, fully aware that I'm probably the last person in the free world to read it. It's great, and everytime I have a few minutes free at work, I open my desk drawer where I have the book and read a few pages. I love nothing better than having a book I can't put down. So that's what I'm going to do now, since it's thankfully a quiet day here. Anyone reading anything good? I have a big stack waiting but always appreciate new titles! :)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
It's just a number!!
Hi all - I promise to be brief here, for once. I just want to check in and say I'm doing okay with the food, no bingeing but still not finding abstinence from my trigger stuff, and likely it won't happen today because......
Today's my birthday!! It's not one that ends in a 5 or worse...a 0 - haha. The next "0" for me will be in 2 years, and it will be a humdinger! Actually, I don't mind any birthday, because I'm tickled pink and GRATEFUL to be alive and have the rich and full life I do, with a fantastic family, great friends, a mostly tolerable job, and this wonderful blog community, many of whom actually bother to read what I write! I'm 58 today, which at one time sounded ancient - now it sounds like late middle age (not really, though I still feel pretty young). My kids love to tell hubby and me how old and dotty we are now, though Iknow think they actually believe we're pretty cool old folks, and right they are!
Anyhoo - no big plans for the day other than surviving this Friday of 102+ degrees (some predictions say could go to 106 - ack!). Hubby, youngest son and I are going to a new place for dinner that's supposed to be good. I'm not going crazy, but I know I'm having dessert. Don't judge - old people such as myself have to keep up our strength. hahahaha. Tomorrow some friends are taking me out for breakfast, which won't involve any sugared items though.
I also want to note that when I said in the first paragraph that "I'm still not finding abstinence from my trigger stuff (of sugar and white flour products)", I am fully aware that abstinence isn't to be "found" - it's a tool to be WORKED. I had about 5 consecutive days about 10 days back, and then had a few cookies at a party - with full knowledge. No binge, but not abstinence. Any overeating I get into results from those forays into "just a bite" of something. Abstinence is on my planner - but not today.
I'll weigh in Sunday morning and report back. Earlier in the week I was down a couple pounds - if I can maintain that through until weighing, I'll be delighted.
Finally, thank you Vickie from Baby Steps V who actually remembered my birthday! You have a great memory, Vickie, and I appreciate it. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone.
Today's my birthday!! It's not one that ends in a 5 or worse...a 0 - haha. The next "0" for me will be in 2 years, and it will be a humdinger! Actually, I don't mind any birthday, because I'm tickled pink and GRATEFUL to be alive and have the rich and full life I do, with a fantastic family, great friends, a mostly tolerable job, and this wonderful blog community, many of whom actually bother to read what I write! I'm 58 today, which at one time sounded ancient - now it sounds like late middle age (not really, though I still feel pretty young). My kids love to tell hubby and me how old and dotty we are now, though I
Anyhoo - no big plans for the day other than surviving this Friday of 102+ degrees (some predictions say could go to 106 - ack!). Hubby, youngest son and I are going to a new place for dinner that's supposed to be good. I'm not going crazy, but I know I'm having dessert. Don't judge - old people such as myself have to keep up our strength. hahahaha. Tomorrow some friends are taking me out for breakfast, which won't involve any sugared items though.
I also want to note that when I said in the first paragraph that "I'm still not finding abstinence from my trigger stuff (of sugar and white flour products)", I am fully aware that abstinence isn't to be "found" - it's a tool to be WORKED. I had about 5 consecutive days about 10 days back, and then had a few cookies at a party - with full knowledge. No binge, but not abstinence. Any overeating I get into results from those forays into "just a bite" of something. Abstinence is on my planner - but not today.
I'll weigh in Sunday morning and report back. Earlier in the week I was down a couple pounds - if I can maintain that through until weighing, I'll be delighted.
Finally, thank you Vickie from Baby Steps V who actually remembered my birthday! You have a great memory, Vickie, and I appreciate it. ;) Have a great weekend, everyone.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fear Factor
I haven't forgotten about blogging, nor have I gone over the deep end with eating. My food has been pretty good. No bingeing, though I have had some items with sugar, so I can't claim abstinence from trigger substances. Happily haven't been triggered, but I know that the result of ingesting a trigger food can happen days or even weeks down the road. Whatever - I'm okay today and happy to have not had any binges since my post last Thursday. I'm not expecting to get too many miles in walking this week as the forecast is that it will be hotter than the hinges of Hell - but I can do an exercise DVD if I get off my sorry ass the spirit moves me.
Perhaps one thing making it easier for me to resist the siren call of overeating right now is the fact that I have a mild toothache on the upper right side - the last molar in the back. It's been subtle and on and off for about 9 days - disappearing completely for a couple days and then asserting itself into my consciousness for a few hours here and there. It responds perfectly well to ibuprofen, but I haven't had to use it more than once a day, and not even every day. But I know this isn't going away...
This doesn't sound like a big deal except for one thing...I'm dental phobic. Or should I say DENTAL PHOBIC, as in terrified of going to the dentist. My dentist is a lovely kind funny man who caters to cowards - and yet I tremble at the thought of even picking up the phone and making the app't. So I haven't.
I didn't grow up being this way. One of my elementary school classmate's dad was the dentist to the masses at Madeira Beach Elementary School, and I had perfectly fine visits with him. No fear, no pain, no emotional trauma. I never needed braces. I'm not sure when this all kicked in but I think it was when I was living in my mid 20s and went to a friend's boyfriend who had just opened his own dental practice. I'm sure he was perfectly well trained and competent, but after working to do a root canal for 2 hours, he informed me, "I can't save this tooth," and ended up pulling it out. That may have been the inception of my phobia.
Anyway - I need to call and get an appointment. But the thought of having little metal items picking at my teeth literally sends shivers up my spine - I have goose bumps just typing about it. You can imagine that feeling as I do about the dentist means that I'm slightly over due for a visit - like about 4 years! I'm not this way about anything else. I was just telling a work friend about my phobia, and she said she'd rather have a C-Section than go to the dentist, to which I replied that I'd rather have an unmedicated vaginal birth - and I'm not kidding.
Am I the only blogger with this affliction? And are you thinking that I'm the MOST neurotic blogger, if not human being, EVER? I guess I need a pep talk, but no horror stories, please. I have to make this appointment in the next day or so - maybe for next week to give me time to wring my hands and gnash my teeth in fear. Thanks for listening!
Perhaps one thing making it easier for me to resist the siren call of overeating right now is the fact that I have a mild toothache on the upper right side - the last molar in the back. It's been subtle and on and off for about 9 days - disappearing completely for a couple days and then asserting itself into my consciousness for a few hours here and there. It responds perfectly well to ibuprofen, but I haven't had to use it more than once a day, and not even every day. But I know this isn't going away...
This doesn't sound like a big deal except for one thing...I'm dental phobic. Or should I say DENTAL PHOBIC, as in terrified of going to the dentist. My dentist is a lovely kind funny man who caters to cowards - and yet I tremble at the thought of even picking up the phone and making the app't. So I haven't.
I didn't grow up being this way. One of my elementary school classmate's dad was the dentist to the masses at Madeira Beach Elementary School, and I had perfectly fine visits with him. No fear, no pain, no emotional trauma. I never needed braces. I'm not sure when this all kicked in but I think it was when I was living in my mid 20s and went to a friend's boyfriend who had just opened his own dental practice. I'm sure he was perfectly well trained and competent, but after working to do a root canal for 2 hours, he informed me, "I can't save this tooth," and ended up pulling it out. That may have been the inception of my phobia.
Anyway - I need to call and get an appointment. But the thought of having little metal items picking at my teeth literally sends shivers up my spine - I have goose bumps just typing about it. You can imagine that feeling as I do about the dentist means that I'm slightly over due for a visit - like about 4 years! I'm not this way about anything else. I was just telling a work friend about my phobia, and she said she'd rather have a C-Section than go to the dentist, to which I replied that I'd rather have an unmedicated vaginal birth - and I'm not kidding.
Am I the only blogger with this affliction? And are you thinking that I'm the MOST neurotic blogger, if not human being, EVER? I guess I need a pep talk, but no horror stories, please. I have to make this appointment in the next day or so - maybe for next week to give me time to wring my hands and gnash my teeth in fear. Thanks for listening!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I have good news and good news
Good news # 1 is that I did stay entirely sugar free and white flour free yesterday! It's the first in quite a long time. There have been plenty of days when I didn't binge from eating sugar and/or related high processed crap, but any day I did binge it followed ingestion of the first bite of the aforementioned evil stuff. Coinkydink? I think not! :)
Even after one clean day, I woke up feeling a little more energetic, less fogged in before the coffee that helps chase the sugar haze away, and very grateful! The journey of a thousand years begins with the first day. I'm not shooting for a 1000 years, but now I'm shooting for Day 2. Will keep you posted. I just effing KNOW I can do it.
Good news # 2 is that I've "discovered" (from many blogs) about how you can mix uncooked old fashioned rolled oats with yogurt (or milk, which I hate so would never try) for only 10-15 minutes, and the oats take in enough moisture to soften and become kind of doughy and VERY satisfying to this blogger!
I've read several blogs where people make overnite oats, mixing equal parts oats, milk and yogurt in the fridge overnight, but it never occurred to me to try it because I thought it would be a too-cold gloppy mess that would bother my sensitive teeth. I like my oatmeal hot, but this summer I've been burned out (no pun intended) on hot oatmeal, and wasn't having luck finding a good cereal to mix with yogurt that had high protein, fiber and no sugar. Then I read in one of my regular blogs (can't recall whose) about how the oats just need 10 minutes to achieve yum level of mushiness, and yesterday I tried it. LOVE!
I used 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup Trader Joe's Greek nonfat plain yogurt with a splenda, and a cup of fresh pineapple. It was definitely a thick glooping goopy mess, but just right for me! I think I'll be doing this for awhile, and hopefully I'll keep finding good fresh pineapples because the taste and texture with the glop is perfection. Oh - and I added a skimpy Tbs. of chia seeds which made it heavenly grainy too.
Hopefully you're not gagging at the thought of this concoction. If so, just breathe in and out slowly for a few, and it'll pass. I'm just always excited to find a breakfast combo that suits me and so this morning when I woke up, after reflecting in wonder over my first sugar free day, my second thought was to my mix. At least for the moment my food obsession is focusing on a healthy item!
Good news # 3 (bonus) is that we have an absolutely perfect, beautiful late spring feeling day today, with no humidity. High in low 80s! We'll have a few of these before the next heat wave, and I'm taking advantage. I plan to walk my 5 mile loop this afternoon as soon as I get off work.
Finally - I'm curious. I'm love carrots, but confess to being a carrot snob. I hate baby carrots. They don't taste near as good or have quite the same crunch as good old California REAL carrots. But a friend told me I'm ridiculous, so I'm taking a very scientific poll: Baby Carrots or Adult? Inquiring minds want to know!
Even after one clean day, I woke up feeling a little more energetic, less fogged in before the coffee that helps chase the sugar haze away, and very grateful! The journey of a thousand years begins with the first day. I'm not shooting for a 1000 years, but now I'm shooting for Day 2. Will keep you posted. I just effing KNOW I can do it.
Good news # 2 is that I've "discovered" (from many blogs) about how you can mix uncooked old fashioned rolled oats with yogurt (or milk, which I hate so would never try) for only 10-15 minutes, and the oats take in enough moisture to soften and become kind of doughy and VERY satisfying to this blogger!
I've read several blogs where people make overnite oats, mixing equal parts oats, milk and yogurt in the fridge overnight, but it never occurred to me to try it because I thought it would be a too-cold gloppy mess that would bother my sensitive teeth. I like my oatmeal hot, but this summer I've been burned out (no pun intended) on hot oatmeal, and wasn't having luck finding a good cereal to mix with yogurt that had high protein, fiber and no sugar. Then I read in one of my regular blogs (can't recall whose) about how the oats just need 10 minutes to achieve yum level of mushiness, and yesterday I tried it. LOVE!
I used 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup Trader Joe's Greek nonfat plain yogurt with a splenda, and a cup of fresh pineapple. It was definitely a thick glooping goopy mess, but just right for me! I think I'll be doing this for awhile, and hopefully I'll keep finding good fresh pineapples because the taste and texture with the glop is perfection. Oh - and I added a skimpy Tbs. of chia seeds which made it heavenly grainy too.
Hopefully you're not gagging at the thought of this concoction. If so, just breathe in and out slowly for a few, and it'll pass. I'm just always excited to find a breakfast combo that suits me and so this morning when I woke up, after reflecting in wonder over my first sugar free day, my second thought was to my mix. At least for the moment my food obsession is focusing on a healthy item!
Good news # 3 (bonus) is that we have an absolutely perfect, beautiful late spring feeling day today, with no humidity. High in low 80s! We'll have a few of these before the next heat wave, and I'm taking advantage. I plan to walk my 5 mile loop this afternoon as soon as I get off work.
Finally - I'm curious. I'm love carrots, but confess to being a carrot snob. I hate baby carrots. They don't taste near as good or have quite the same crunch as good old California REAL carrots. But a friend told me I'm ridiculous, so I'm taking a very scientific poll: Baby Carrots or Adult? Inquiring minds want to know!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Do you have reservations?
Actually, I do have a few...reservations, that is. Not about losing weight...of course I want to lose weight. But truth be told, I'm realizing that what I'd REALLY like is to be struck thin, much like I'd like to walk out to the mailbox and find a decree informing me that a long lost relative had bequeathed me his/her entire multi-million dollar fortune, and I only had to go to Lawyer X's office to collect.
Obviously neither of these things is going to happen. But if I could choose between the 2, I think I'd pick being "struck" thin, as I'm fairly certain I'd handle being thin a lot better than being rich. Or would I?
I walked my local state park's 5 mile loop on Saturday, just me and canine Wally, and thought a lot about abstinence, 12 step programs, weight loss, overeating...all the things I've been talking about lately. And it occurred to me that while I am certain about wanting to lose 40 pounds (though 30 would be great), I'm sketchy about wanting to do all that it might take to actually lose them, at least given my recent and current mindset about accepting my food addiction as a real entity that needs special unique attention of the 12 step or Overeaters Anonymous variety.
There are aspects of the weight loss journey that I don't resist. Exercise is one of them...I genuinely enjoy exercising, walking, the elliptical, strength training, etc. I've never minded exercising. I also am pretty good about food prep on Sundays for the week ahead. I love healthy food - veggies, fruit, lean protein, whole grains.
The part that I still know I'm resistant to is giving up certain things like sugar and white flour. First, the white flour: I haven't bought white bread EVER, so it's not that kind of white flour product of which I speak. It's the crackers, chips and other junk not so healthy items that are purveyed as snacky foods. For many folks, that stuff truly isn't entirely "junk", because they can enjoy it in moderate amounts, whatever that term means. But for me it simply is, because I know and accept that I can't eat it without following with a binge soon after.
Same with sugared items, of which there are countless. Some masquerade their high sugar content in things like ketchup, barbecue sauce, high fiber cereal, and of course the more blatant presentations of cookies, cakes, pies, candy. Duh.
Again, I KNOW. I ACCEPT. So when I decide to have a serving, or a bite or a taste of any of those things, I don't even bother telling myself "THIS time I'm stopping after this taste." Nah, don't go through the false denial act, because I know what I'm doing when I do it. I'm choosing to give myself carte blanche to eat what-I-want-that-isn't-in-my-best-interest for the rest of the day. With this behavior, the best results are when I hold off til after dinner, because I'm always in bed pretty early (from being up at 4:30 each day) and the time frame of my getting into other stuff is short. And I can honestly say that once in awhile I can eat a known binge food and not get triggered, though usually that's not the case.
In order to lose the weight, I am going to have to abstain from those red light foods. I want to lose weight, so where's the disconnect? Is it not what I'm eating but "what's eating me"? This is where my title comes from...what are my reservations about? I'm not sure and I'm not coming up with much. Is my weight "working" for me somehow? I don't think so. Am I just heavy but not so much that I'd rather stay where I am and keep enjoying stuff that isn't good for me? My size 16 body is definitely overweight, but it's better than the 18-20 I was at my highest weight several years ago...is that what's at the core of my resistance?
All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere. I know from AA that it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting. I'm living proof, and as I've said before, I really won't have access to my inner landscape as long as I'm periodically bingeing and stuffing my thoughts and feelings.
My intention for today is to eat no sugar or white flour. I will be back tomorrow to report honestly that I did (or whatever the truth is) achieve that goal.
Obviously neither of these things is going to happen. But if I could choose between the 2, I think I'd pick being "struck" thin, as I'm fairly certain I'd handle being thin a lot better than being rich. Or would I?
I walked my local state park's 5 mile loop on Saturday, just me and canine Wally, and thought a lot about abstinence, 12 step programs, weight loss, overeating...all the things I've been talking about lately. And it occurred to me that while I am certain about wanting to lose 40 pounds (though 30 would be great), I'm sketchy about wanting to do all that it might take to actually lose them, at least given my recent and current mindset about accepting my food addiction as a real entity that needs special unique attention of the 12 step or Overeaters Anonymous variety.
There are aspects of the weight loss journey that I don't resist. Exercise is one of them...I genuinely enjoy exercising, walking, the elliptical, strength training, etc. I've never minded exercising. I also am pretty good about food prep on Sundays for the week ahead. I love healthy food - veggies, fruit, lean protein, whole grains.
The part that I still know I'm resistant to is giving up certain things like sugar and white flour. First, the white flour: I haven't bought white bread EVER, so it's not that kind of white flour product of which I speak. It's the crackers, chips and other
Same with sugared items, of which there are countless. Some masquerade their high sugar content in things like ketchup, barbecue sauce, high fiber cereal, and of course the more blatant presentations of cookies, cakes, pies, candy. Duh.
Again, I KNOW. I ACCEPT. So when I decide to have a serving, or a bite or a taste of any of those things, I don't even bother telling myself "THIS time I'm stopping after this taste." Nah, don't go through the false denial act, because I know what I'm doing when I do it. I'm choosing to give myself carte blanche to eat what-I-want-that-isn't-in-my-best-interest for the rest of the day. With this behavior, the best results are when I hold off til after dinner, because I'm always in bed pretty early (from being up at 4:30 each day) and the time frame of my getting into other stuff is short. And I can honestly say that once in awhile I can eat a known binge food and not get triggered, though usually that's not the case.
In order to lose the weight, I am going to have to abstain from those red light foods. I want to lose weight, so where's the disconnect? Is it not what I'm eating but "what's eating me"? This is where my title comes from...what are my reservations about? I'm not sure and I'm not coming up with much. Is my weight "working" for me somehow? I don't think so. Am I just heavy but not so much that I'd rather stay where I am and keep enjoying stuff that isn't good for me? My size 16 body is definitely overweight, but it's better than the 18-20 I was at my highest weight several years ago...is that what's at the core of my resistance?
All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere. I know from AA that it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting. I'm living proof, and as I've said before, I really won't have access to my inner landscape as long as I'm periodically bingeing and stuffing my thoughts and feelings.
My intention for today is to eat no sugar or white flour. I will be back tomorrow to report honestly that I did (or whatever the truth is) achieve that goal.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Important things
I wish I could say this week has set me firmly on a new path (or that I've set myself firmly on a new path) regarding overeating, but alas - not yet true. I still find myself thinking about food waaaaay too often, especially when I'm not eating it. It feels like food thinking is synonymous with breathing for me at times
This reminds me of obsessing about alcohol when I first stopped drinking...I actually ranted at a meeting one night that I felt wackier than I was when I was drinking, because at least THEN I wasn't utterly tormented by thoughts, plans and fantasies of drinking. I also told THEM (those other drunks!) that I wasn't NOT drinking for myself...I was not drinking because they'd been nice to me, and I didn't want to dissapoint them...and furthermore, I knew that was the wrong way to be trying to stop drinking because I was supposed to be doing it for myself. You bet I gave them a piece of my mind.
(Looking back, it's clear that I was hoping they'd kick me out, so I could go back to drinking, "sanctioned" by the recovering folks who told me I didn't have the right attitude and shouldn't be there.)
Guess what - the first thing I heard was, "Thanks for sharing! Keep coming back!" What a bunch of losers, I thought. At halftime a few minutes after my share, I was inundated by kind understanding folks who told me a couple of important things that really helped me that night, suggesting to me that perhaps THEY weren't all a bunch of losers - rather that they'd been just where I was and were certain I could find recovery.
Important thing #1 was that it made perfect sense that I was aware of the obsession to drink screeching at me from inside my head and from every cell in my body. I felt the obsession because I wasn't drinking it away. No anesthesia from emotional withdrawal that didn't show up until I was several months without a drink. They assured me the obsession would lessen and encouraged me to keepwhining talking about it.
Important thing #2 was that the obsession and compulsion couldn't get worse unless I fed them...with booze. They suggested that if I fed them, not only would it get worse, it would stengthen the obsession and lengthen the time it would take for it to dissipate the next time I tried to quit - that is IF I still had the desire to quit. Having a desire to stop is a gift, and if squandered may never return. Then it becomes near impossible to stop drinking.
Important thing #3 was that it was okay that I wasn't trying to not drink for them, or for anybody else. It was okay if I was doing it to save a marriage or for my kids...and it didn't matter if it wasn't for me. Why?Because for an alcoholic, THERE'S NO BAD REASON TO NOT PICK UP A DRINK! And if I didn't drink a day at a time for whatever reason, eventually I'd discover I was doing it for myself.
Yep, those damn "losers", of whom I'm one, gave me some fantastic food for thought that night that continues to inform me today. I can apply all those important things, along with volumes of other wisdom I've learned over the years in AA, to my struggle with food addiction. I swear, sometimes I end up eating a bunch of crap after dinner following a day that was entirely ON PLAN, because the food thoughts and desire to binge start intruding. Once I have "one compulsive unplanned bite" of anything, the thoughts diminish and I feel the volume in my addicted brain turn way down. And I've fed the compulsion, strengthened it, and lengthened the time the obsession will persist the next time. Eventually, one has to sit through an obsessive thought without feeding it in order to begin the process of emotionally weaning from the behavior.
The reason I'm saying all this today (some of which I've said before) is because last night, after an excellent, on plan day, I "decided" to have some ice cream. Had I stopped at even a medium dish and nothing else, it would have been fine. But after the cold, creamy and sweet, I "decided" to go for crispy and salty in the form of a flavor of potato chip I don't even like...because it was there. I had 2 napkins full of chips. Gheesh! All I had to do was not have the first bite of the ice cream.
And it's okay that I want to lose weight to look better and wear great clothes...right now more than I want peace with food, freedom from compulsion and the prison of overeating. Because when - NOT IF - I put together many days at a time of abstinence from overeating, I suspect that I'll find enough rewards that are internal, as well the external ones.
The food program I did a few years ago had a saying I liked: "I came for the vanity, and stayed for the sanity." Sounds pretty good to me.
This reminds me of obsessing about alcohol when I first stopped drinking...I actually ranted at a meeting one night that I felt wackier than I was when I was drinking, because at least THEN I wasn't utterly tormented by thoughts, plans and fantasies of drinking. I also told THEM (those other drunks!) that I wasn't NOT drinking for myself...I was not drinking because they'd been nice to me, and I didn't want to dissapoint them...and furthermore, I knew that was the wrong way to be trying to stop drinking because I was supposed to be doing it for myself. You bet I gave them a piece of my mind.
(Looking back, it's clear that I was hoping they'd kick me out, so I could go back to drinking, "sanctioned" by the recovering folks who told me I didn't have the right attitude and shouldn't be there.)
Guess what - the first thing I heard was, "Thanks for sharing! Keep coming back!" What a bunch of losers, I thought. At halftime a few minutes after my share, I was inundated by kind understanding folks who told me a couple of important things that really helped me that night, suggesting to me that perhaps THEY weren't all a bunch of losers - rather that they'd been just where I was and were certain I could find recovery.
Important thing #1 was that it made perfect sense that I was aware of the obsession to drink screeching at me from inside my head and from every cell in my body. I felt the obsession because I wasn't drinking it away. No anesthesia from emotional withdrawal that didn't show up until I was several months without a drink. They assured me the obsession would lessen and encouraged me to keep
Important thing #2 was that the obsession and compulsion couldn't get worse unless I fed them...with booze. They suggested that if I fed them, not only would it get worse, it would stengthen the obsession and lengthen the time it would take for it to dissipate the next time I tried to quit - that is IF I still had the desire to quit. Having a desire to stop is a gift, and if squandered may never return. Then it becomes near impossible to stop drinking.
Important thing #3 was that it was okay that I wasn't trying to not drink for them, or for anybody else. It was okay if I was doing it to save a marriage or for my kids...and it didn't matter if it wasn't for me. Why?Because for an alcoholic, THERE'S NO BAD REASON TO NOT PICK UP A DRINK! And if I didn't drink a day at a time for whatever reason, eventually I'd discover I was doing it for myself.
Yep, those damn "losers", of whom I'm one, gave me some fantastic food for thought that night that continues to inform me today. I can apply all those important things, along with volumes of other wisdom I've learned over the years in AA, to my struggle with food addiction. I swear, sometimes I end up eating a bunch of crap after dinner following a day that was entirely ON PLAN, because the food thoughts and desire to binge start intruding. Once I have "one compulsive unplanned bite" of anything, the thoughts diminish and I feel the volume in my addicted brain turn way down. And I've fed the compulsion, strengthened it, and lengthened the time the obsession will persist the next time. Eventually, one has to sit through an obsessive thought without feeding it in order to begin the process of emotionally weaning from the behavior.
The reason I'm saying all this today (some of which I've said before) is because last night, after an excellent, on plan day, I "decided" to have some ice cream. Had I stopped at even a medium dish and nothing else, it would have been fine. But after the cold, creamy and sweet, I "decided" to go for crispy and salty in the form of a flavor of potato chip I don't even like...because it was there. I had 2 napkins full of chips. Gheesh! All I had to do was not have the first bite of the ice cream.
And it's okay that I want to lose weight to look better and wear great clothes...right now more than I want peace with food, freedom from compulsion and the prison of overeating. Because when - NOT IF - I put together many days at a time of abstinence from overeating, I suspect that I'll find enough rewards that are internal, as well the external ones.
The food program I did a few years ago had a saying I liked: "I came for the vanity, and stayed for the sanity." Sounds pretty good to me.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Hanging on to the baby as the bathwater drains out
This has been a lovely 4th of July so far - I went to my usual AA meeting this morning, which was great, and then walked the 5 mile Ridley Creek State Park loop with my dear friend and sponsor Lisa. She's the friend about whom I've written several times - she is now (this month) 3 years out from a diagnosis of Stage 4 Lung cancer, and doing remarkably well. (Hell, being able to walk 5 miles is sufficient evidence of that!) She is at a point where she has what is know as "stable disease", meaning there is still cancer present in her body (specifically spine, hip and lung), but it is lying dormant and not active thanks to a designer chemotherapy drug called Tarceva. She's been through an unbelievable amount of treatment and drama with this diagnosis and has faced it all will courage and dignity. And OPTIMISM! Quite amazing. Being a witness to her journey with this affliction has been inspiring and instructive to me in a thousand ways.
Back many years ago before Lisa got sober, she had food issues as well and did OA for a period of time. She still deals with occasional desires to use food as an emotional salve so she is a wonderful resource for me about my own food issues. I was telling her about my most recent conversations with the woman from OA I talked about in my last post as well as my dialogue in the comments yesterday with Vickie from Baby Steps V, and Lisa reassured me by saying that the main requirement for me in finding peace with food and abstinence from bingeing and compulsive overeating is to get as honest as possible with myself about my trigger and binge foods and to avoid them entirely. Of course, establishing a daily food plan is vital, and then sticking to it (as Vickie noted). And she also reminded me that mindfulness is key - paying attention not only to my eating, but to my thinking as it relates to eating. This is where I get the most bolluxed up.
Once the thought of a non-planned food enters my consciousness, I just sort of accept that eventually in that day I'm going to eat it. Rather than reminding myself that "that food isn't on the plan today, and remember you will have your dinner coming up in a few hours...", or distracting myself in some way. Whatever - putting off the inevitable shoving down of food in favor of waiting until the next designated and sanctioned eating time (like the next meal or planned snack) can help begin to interrupt the deep grooves in my brain that automatically respond to a food thought by eating. And when my inner binge monster protests and kicks up the compulsion several notches because I'm not responding to the usual food cues, (which WILL happen) be curious about and attempt to investigate what is behind the "urge to gorge".
I've noted before that as long as I give in and eat an unplanned food that sets off more eating, I'll never have access to the emotions and content behind the addictive urge to eat. This is the place where there is a disconnect between my desire for wholeness, wellness and weight loss and my programmed behavior of reaching for food. I have to put in a mindful pause, which I often don't. And if it occurs to me to do that - I've been known to ignore that mindful higher self.
None of this is new material, but what is different is that I've committed to using Lisa as an OA sponsor/resource for awhile. She gets my hesitance and knee jerk uh-uh reaction to the rigidity of certain aspects of OA and it's followers. However, she also thinks I can should attend an OA meeting once a week for the support of folks with the food issue, and I agree. I don't have to get a sponsor there - or a food plan, or a set of dos and don'ts about every aspect of my eating. But I can get a lot from listening to others who share the same issue, so I've agreed to one meeting a week for now, as well as establishing a food plan that excludes my big trigger foods of sugar and white flour for now. If other foods turn up to be problematic, I'll deal with it at the time.
I've had a good couple of days in this regard. I greatly appreciate that support and bloggy love of you all that encourages me to keep on working at this. I will succeed, and it'll be in part because of a little help from my friends.
Back many years ago before Lisa got sober, she had food issues as well and did OA for a period of time. She still deals with occasional desires to use food as an emotional salve so she is a wonderful resource for me about my own food issues. I was telling her about my most recent conversations with the woman from OA I talked about in my last post as well as my dialogue in the comments yesterday with Vickie from Baby Steps V, and Lisa reassured me by saying that the main requirement for me in finding peace with food and abstinence from bingeing and compulsive overeating is to get as honest as possible with myself about my trigger and binge foods and to avoid them entirely. Of course, establishing a daily food plan is vital, and then sticking to it (as Vickie noted). And she also reminded me that mindfulness is key - paying attention not only to my eating, but to my thinking as it relates to eating. This is where I get the most bolluxed up.
Once the thought of a non-planned food enters my consciousness, I just sort of accept that eventually in that day I'm going to eat it. Rather than reminding myself that "that food isn't on the plan today, and remember you will have your dinner coming up in a few hours...", or distracting myself in some way. Whatever - putting off the inevitable shoving down of food in favor of waiting until the next designated and sanctioned eating time (like the next meal or planned snack) can help begin to interrupt the deep grooves in my brain that automatically respond to a food thought by eating. And when my inner binge monster protests and kicks up the compulsion several notches because I'm not responding to the usual food cues, (which WILL happen) be curious about and attempt to investigate what is behind the "urge to gorge".
I've noted before that as long as I give in and eat an unplanned food that sets off more eating, I'll never have access to the emotions and content behind the addictive urge to eat. This is the place where there is a disconnect between my desire for wholeness, wellness and weight loss and my programmed behavior of reaching for food. I have to put in a mindful pause, which I often don't. And if it occurs to me to do that - I've been known to ignore that mindful higher self.
None of this is new material, but what is different is that I've committed to using Lisa as an OA sponsor/resource for awhile. She gets my hesitance and knee jerk uh-uh reaction to the rigidity of certain aspects of OA and it's followers. However, she also thinks I can should attend an OA meeting once a week for the support of folks with the food issue, and I agree. I don't have to get a sponsor there - or a food plan, or a set of dos and don'ts about every aspect of my eating. But I can get a lot from listening to others who share the same issue, so I've agreed to one meeting a week for now, as well as establishing a food plan that excludes my big trigger foods of sugar and white flour for now. If other foods turn up to be problematic, I'll deal with it at the time.
I've had a good couple of days in this regard. I greatly appreciate that support and bloggy love of you all that encourages me to keep on working at this. I will succeed, and it'll be in part because of a little help from my friends.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Update on my journey
It's been a mixed bag for me this week in the eating realm. I've had a couple good days and a couple meh days. I did weigh in this morning since it's the first day of the month, and say 208.4 staring up at me. And would you believe it was with relief I saw that number? It could have been worse. Of course I wanted it to be better. It's in my hands - to a large degree - what the number is on the first day of August. It's entirely doable to be back into Onederland, of which I've been in pursuit for too long....again.
So - after all my talk of 12 step groups and maybe reconnecting with a food 12 step program, I'm here to say that I'm still not on board with it. I had a conversation with an OA friend of one of my AA buddies a few weeks back, and it was a great conversation. She's been in OA and working a food program for 25 years or so, and has thus encountered many folks like me over the years who started out in AA, are entrenched in the AA fellowship and find OA unsatisfactory for a zillion reasons. She actually talked like an AA person, and said that she uses the Big Book (the essential basic text for the AA program) as her main source of info for working her program. She sounded real, and flexible. I came away from the conversation feeling good, and like perhaps I could incorporate one OA meeting a week into my life for the food and eating support, and not get bogged down in "musts", "shoulds", and "don't evers".
This gal has a lot going on and so wasn't able to "sponsor" me (basically serve as a guide and support in navigating the program, etc), but she gave me the number of another woman she said was "awesome" and that she thought I'd really relate to and appreciate. This woman has 26 years in AA, and started in the food program 10 years ago. I finally got around to calling this other woman about 2 weeks ago, and within 5 minutes knew she was NOT going to be a person with whom I could have a comfort level and begin gradually changing my eating behaviors. She was a self-proclaimed rigid follower of the program, who insisted on certain things if she was going to work with someone. Things like weighing and measuring every bite that goes into the body - even in restuarants. She still does it 10 years into her abstinence and says it's given her true freedom. Things like never ever spontaneously popping even a raw vegetable into her mouth while preparing food, because it could trigger spontaneous eating behavior. There was a lot more - but you get the idea.
This woman was very nice, and I appreciated her being up front with me from the very beginning. She started by asking me about my eating history and attempts at recovery. When I mentioned 3 times in my spiel about experience with very rigid followers of food programs, I guess she knew I wasn't going to be a good match for her, either. I totally respect her ability and desire to stay the course completely as she's been doing it for ten years. It's working for her. But as she described her own journey first into AA and then into OA, it was clear that she is a completely different kind of person than I am. I have been talking to her occasionally via email and she's willing to offer me suggestions and support, but I'm not on her page. (I was going to say "the right page", but I'm not sure she's necessarily right and I'm not. Rather, I'm not as desperate as she felt when she came into either AA or OA.)
Hmmm. That statement of not feeling desperate says something to me - Yes, I want to weigh less. I have lost weight before and felt better about myself, then gained some back. I've never gained back to my all time high which was 237. I feel a general trend toward improvement, toward increased willingness to give up certain foods that I know I will never be able to successfully handle. I desire to find true peace with food. But I'm not desperate enough to be willing to weigh and measure food in restaurants. To call someone everyday and commit my food for the day to them, with the understanding that if there is a change in the plan for the day, I must also call that in and report to the sponsor. Basically I'm not desperate enough to do what she's doing to get the results she's getting.
In AA, I encounter many people who feel this way about alcohol, and their lives are pretty messed up as a result. I have pretty firm boundaries about sponsoring people, and one of the boundaries is that I can't really help someone if they're still drinking. It doesn't work. So I understand how a solid recovering food addict following certain guidelines feels the same way about someone who still is using food at times for other than physical nourishment.
Where does this leave me? Actually, I feel okay about it all. I believe there is much from OA's literature, program and members I can learn and benefit from. I don't have to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I know myself pretty well at the ripe age of 57 (soon to be 58), and to again try and conform myself to behaviors and strategies that don't feel right to me is futile. I'm going to continue to do my best to lose weight, gain fitness, exercise daily, and stay on this path to my best self (another Oprah reference?). I believe it's possible for this blogger to find success on a slightly more circuitous path with flexibility. Maybe it's denial. Or defiance. But really, I think it's just me. Still a food addict. Still unable to successfully negotiate certain foods and hopefully leaving them OUT. Attending an occasional OA meeting to see how it feels. And able to eat in restaurants without bringing along my measuring cups, spoons and scale.
Have a great 4th of July. Hubby and I are empty nesters this weekend, so perhaps a movie date, some long walks, and lots of chill-axin'! And definitely some fireworks :)
So - after all my talk of 12 step groups and maybe reconnecting with a food 12 step program, I'm here to say that I'm still not on board with it. I had a conversation with an OA friend of one of my AA buddies a few weeks back, and it was a great conversation. She's been in OA and working a food program for 25 years or so, and has thus encountered many folks like me over the years who started out in AA, are entrenched in the AA fellowship and find OA unsatisfactory for a zillion reasons. She actually talked like an AA person, and said that she uses the Big Book (the essential basic text for the AA program) as her main source of info for working her program. She sounded real, and flexible. I came away from the conversation feeling good, and like perhaps I could incorporate one OA meeting a week into my life for the food and eating support, and not get bogged down in "musts", "shoulds", and "don't evers".
This gal has a lot going on and so wasn't able to "sponsor" me (basically serve as a guide and support in navigating the program, etc), but she gave me the number of another woman she said was "awesome" and that she thought I'd really relate to and appreciate. This woman has 26 years in AA, and started in the food program 10 years ago. I finally got around to calling this other woman about 2 weeks ago, and within 5 minutes knew she was NOT going to be a person with whom I could have a comfort level and begin gradually changing my eating behaviors. She was a self-proclaimed rigid follower of the program, who insisted on certain things if she was going to work with someone. Things like weighing and measuring every bite that goes into the body - even in restuarants. She still does it 10 years into her abstinence and says it's given her true freedom. Things like never ever spontaneously popping even a raw vegetable into her mouth while preparing food, because it could trigger spontaneous eating behavior. There was a lot more - but you get the idea.
This woman was very nice, and I appreciated her being up front with me from the very beginning. She started by asking me about my eating history and attempts at recovery. When I mentioned 3 times in my spiel about experience with very rigid followers of food programs, I guess she knew I wasn't going to be a good match for her, either. I totally respect her ability and desire to stay the course completely as she's been doing it for ten years. It's working for her. But as she described her own journey first into AA and then into OA, it was clear that she is a completely different kind of person than I am. I have been talking to her occasionally via email and she's willing to offer me suggestions and support, but I'm not on her page. (I was going to say "the right page", but I'm not sure she's necessarily right and I'm not. Rather, I'm not as desperate as she felt when she came into either AA or OA.)
Hmmm. That statement of not feeling desperate says something to me - Yes, I want to weigh less. I have lost weight before and felt better about myself, then gained some back. I've never gained back to my all time high which was 237. I feel a general trend toward improvement, toward increased willingness to give up certain foods that I know I will never be able to successfully handle. I desire to find true peace with food. But I'm not desperate enough to be willing to weigh and measure food in restaurants. To call someone everyday and commit my food for the day to them, with the understanding that if there is a change in the plan for the day, I must also call that in and report to the sponsor. Basically I'm not desperate enough to do what she's doing to get the results she's getting.
In AA, I encounter many people who feel this way about alcohol, and their lives are pretty messed up as a result. I have pretty firm boundaries about sponsoring people, and one of the boundaries is that I can't really help someone if they're still drinking. It doesn't work. So I understand how a solid recovering food addict following certain guidelines feels the same way about someone who still is using food at times for other than physical nourishment.
Where does this leave me? Actually, I feel okay about it all. I believe there is much from OA's literature, program and members I can learn and benefit from. I don't have to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I know myself pretty well at the ripe age of 57 (soon to be 58), and to again try and conform myself to behaviors and strategies that don't feel right to me is futile. I'm going to continue to do my best to lose weight, gain fitness, exercise daily, and stay on this path to my best self (another Oprah reference?). I believe it's possible for this blogger to find success on a slightly more circuitous path with flexibility. Maybe it's denial. Or defiance. But really, I think it's just me. Still a food addict. Still unable to successfully negotiate certain foods and hopefully leaving them OUT. Attending an occasional OA meeting to see how it feels. And able to eat in restaurants without bringing along my measuring cups, spoons and scale.
Have a great 4th of July. Hubby and I are empty nesters this weekend, so perhaps a movie date, some long walks, and lots of chill-axin'! And definitely some fireworks :)
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