Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Do you have reservations?

Actually, I do have a few...reservations, that is.  Not about losing weight...of course I want to lose weight.  But truth be told, I'm realizing that what I'd REALLY like is to be struck thin, much like I'd like to walk out to the mailbox and find a decree informing me that a long lost relative had bequeathed me his/her entire multi-million dollar fortune, and I only had to go to Lawyer X's office to collect.

Obviously neither of these things is going to happen.  But if I could choose between the 2, I think I'd pick being "struck" thin, as I'm fairly certain I'd handle being thin a lot better than being rich.  Or would I?

I walked my local state park's 5 mile loop on Saturday, just me and canine Wally, and thought a lot about abstinence, 12 step programs, weight loss, overeating...all the things I've been talking about lately.  And it occurred to me that while I am certain about wanting to lose 40 pounds (though 30 would be great), I'm sketchy about wanting to do all that it might take to actually lose them, at least given my recent and current mindset about accepting my food addiction as a real entity that needs special unique attention of the 12 step or Overeaters Anonymous variety. 

There are aspects of the weight loss journey that I don't resist.  Exercise is one of them...I genuinely enjoy exercising, walking, the elliptical, strength training, etc.  I've never minded exercising.  I also am pretty good about food prep on Sundays for the week ahead.  I love healthy food - veggies, fruit, lean protein, whole grains.

The part that I still know I'm resistant to is giving up certain things like sugar and white flour.  First, the white flour:  I haven't bought white bread EVER, so it's not that kind of white flour product of which I speak.  It's the crackers, chips and other junk not so healthy items that are purveyed as snacky foods.  For many folks, that stuff truly isn't entirely "junk", because they can enjoy it in moderate amounts, whatever that term means. But for me it simply is, because I know and accept that I can't eat it without following with a binge soon after.

Same with sugared items, of which there are countless.  Some masquerade their high sugar content in things like ketchup, barbecue sauce, high fiber cereal, and of course the more blatant presentations of cookies, cakes, pies, candy.  Duh. 

Again, I KNOW.  I ACCEPT.  So when I decide to have a serving, or a bite or a taste of any of those things, I don't even bother telling myself "THIS time I'm stopping after this taste."  Nah, don't go through the false denial act, because I know what I'm doing when I do it.  I'm choosing to give myself carte blanche to eat what-I-want-that-isn't-in-my-best-interest for the rest of the day.  With this behavior, the best results are when I hold off til after dinner, because I'm always in bed pretty early (from being up at 4:30 each day) and the time frame of my getting into other stuff is short.  And I can honestly say that once in awhile I can eat a known binge food and not get triggered, though usually that's not the case.

In order to lose the weight, I am going to have to abstain from those red light foods.  I want to lose weight, so where's the disconnect?  Is it not what I'm eating but "what's eating me"?  This is where my title comes from...what are my reservations about?  I'm not sure and I'm not coming up with much.  Is my weight "working" for me somehow?  I don't think so.  Am I just heavy but not so much that I'd rather stay where I am and keep enjoying stuff that isn't good for me?  My size 16 body is definitely overweight, but it's better than the 18-20 I was at my highest weight several years that what's at the core of my resistance?

All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere.  I know from AA that it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting.  I'm living proof, and as I've said before, I really won't have access to my inner landscape as long as I'm periodically bingeing and stuffing my thoughts and feelings. 

My intention for today is to eat no sugar or white flour.  I will be back tomorrow to report honestly that I did (or whatever the truth is) achieve that goal.


  1. I hope you can achieve it. Trigger foods are so hard. Some of mine are even healthy (like bananas). It takes some crazy type of determination to not give in! I'm rooting for you!

  2. Honestly, I think sometimes we (and I mean the royal we) just have to do it. Just do it. Doooooo it! Do it now! (What movie was that from?)

    Lately, I've been approaching things that way... telling my inner 2 year old who is having the tantrum to Shut. Up. and then I just do what I do not necessarily want to do.

    Of course, I'm nowhere near perfect with this but I'm going to give myself credit for trying.

  3. Hi Leslie! What a super post. This is almost the very same thoughts going through my mind today! What the hell is my disconnect??? Why am I a rebel without a cause on this???? And I also think that all my ruminating on this issue isn't helping at all!!!

    And I know my size 14 is way better than the old bigger sizes. What is stopping me now? I strongly suspect that I like being larger because I fear being smaller. <<psychiatric moment there. :D

    Tomorrow, I'm going to do an AB challenge on The hope is that I stop beating myself down for this and make a more superficial game out of this pudge.

    :-) Marion

  4. I hope you are able to abstain from your sugars today. Sugar (chocolate and white flour) snacks are my trigger foods. I try to eat the low calorie ones, but even those sometimes trigger it and I over eat those as well.

  5. Anonymous13 July, 2011

    I serioiusly get the reservations. That is, in fact, why my "Defining Abstinence, Pat 2" has been delayed. I'm afraid to face the decision. I guess I'm afraid to post it and then not do it--my own words will bear witness against me, so to speak.

    I sat down 30 minutes ago to write that post... Of course, I'm here reading yours instead. I'm pretty sure that post will get done today. Pretty sure.

    Yeah... preeetttyyyy surrreee.


  6. Oh Leslie... you are asking what I was asking myself last year when I was back to the crazy yo-yo business after thinking I was "done." That sugar and white flour is partly hard to give up because it causes a reaction in our bodies. Scientifically shown to be so! For me, the longer I go without the less I want it. And I'm happier. I guess that is what the abstinence thing is supposed to bring us. Yes?

    You can do this. You are too much like me and I'm doing it... so come on and join me:)

  7. Wishing you succcess!! Hugs.

  8. Anonymous13 July, 2011

    The post is up. :D


  9. Another brilliant post by you!

    So many things stood out and grabbed me but I loved where you said, "it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting." That is so true!

    Refined carbs are like crack to our brains, some of us are much more sensitive to them than others and if we have just a little our brain craves more. It is such a powerful craving!

    I know you can do this Leslie and I am cheering you on!

  10. I have never been a sweets person but I do love my bread. So I know how you feel. Powerful cravings after I start, for sure. Cunning and baffling. Sometimes I can control it, more often then not it's a loosing battle.

    Good luck!

  11. I love all carbs - bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, cookies, candy, cake, ice cream - the more flour or sugar the better. In the past there was no way a box of crackers would last more than 2 days in my house. Sometimes I could polish off an entire family size box in one sitting because I could never stop myself after a reasonable serving and would continue to eat and eat until the box was empty. It has taken a while but I finally got past the need to polish off the box. I still can't trust myself around certain foods like chocolate covered pretzels though so I'm still avoiding those. I think we all have certain trigger foods that send us over the edge and no matter how much progress we make in other areas we need to avoid certain things until we learn how to control ourselves. Good luck!