Obviously neither of these things is going to happen. But if I could choose between the 2, I think I'd pick being "struck" thin, as I'm fairly certain I'd handle being thin a lot better than being rich. Or would I?
I walked my local state park's 5 mile loop on Saturday, just me and canine Wally, and thought a lot about abstinence, 12 step programs, weight loss, overeating...all the things I've been talking about lately. And it occurred to me that while I am certain about wanting to lose 40 pounds (though 30 would be great), I'm sketchy about wanting to do all that it might take to actually lose them, at least given my recent and current mindset about accepting my food addiction as a real entity that needs special unique attention of the 12 step or Overeaters Anonymous variety.
There are aspects of the weight loss journey that I don't resist. Exercise is one of them...I genuinely enjoy exercising, walking, the elliptical, strength training, etc. I've never minded exercising. I also am pretty good about food prep on Sundays for the week ahead. I love healthy food - veggies, fruit, lean protein, whole grains.
The part that I still know I'm resistant to is giving up certain things like sugar and white flour. First, the white flour: I haven't bought white bread EVER, so it's not that kind of white flour product of which I speak. It's the crackers, chips and other
Same with sugared items, of which there are countless. Some masquerade their high sugar content in things like ketchup, barbecue sauce, high fiber cereal, and of course the more blatant presentations of cookies, cakes, pies, candy. Duh.
Again, I KNOW. I ACCEPT. So when I decide to have a serving, or a bite or a taste of any of those things, I don't even bother telling myself "THIS time I'm stopping after this taste." Nah, don't go through the false denial act, because I know what I'm doing when I do it. I'm choosing to give myself carte blanche to eat what-I-want-that-isn't-in-my-best-interest for the rest of the day. With this behavior, the best results are when I hold off til after dinner, because I'm always in bed pretty early (from being up at 4:30 each day) and the time frame of my getting into other stuff is short. And I can honestly say that once in awhile I can eat a known binge food and not get triggered, though usually that's not the case.
In order to lose the weight, I am going to have to abstain from those red light foods. I want to lose weight, so where's the disconnect? Is it not what I'm eating but "what's eating me"? This is where my title comes from...what are my reservations about? I'm not sure and I'm not coming up with much. Is my weight "working" for me somehow? I don't think so. Am I just heavy but not so much that I'd rather stay where I am and keep enjoying stuff that isn't good for me? My size 16 body is definitely overweight, but it's better than the 18-20 I was at my highest weight several years ago...is that what's at the core of my resistance?
All this thinking isn't getting me anywhere. I know from AA that it's more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting. I'm living proof, and as I've said before, I really won't have access to my inner landscape as long as I'm periodically bingeing and stuffing my thoughts and feelings.
My intention for today is to eat no sugar or white flour. I will be back tomorrow to report honestly that I did (or whatever the truth is) achieve that goal.