Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda

Hi friends - Once again I'm starting out with...apologies? laments? excuses?...for not having posted in so long.  I offer none of that today - rather I will say that I'm not feeling my own blog right now because I'm not making any real progress on my weight loss goals.  I'm maintaining at 208, which isn't where I want to be, but I am lacking the motivation at this less-than-a-week-before-Christmas to get back to carb or calorie counting, journaling, tracking or any of the other good habits I know I must incorporate daily to get back to losing.  The one thing I continue to do with no problem is exercise...that's a good thing!

As Stuart Smalley sagely noted in the movie Stuart Saves His Family (which is a hilarious Al Franken movie about a character, originally seen on SNL, who is in 3 different 12 step programs and pokes fun at the whole recovery movement), I'm "shoulding" all over myself these days.  But what I'm shoulding on myself about isn't those aforementioned good practices necessary for consistent weight loss.  Rather I'm "shoulding" that I "should" feel motivated even though it's the holiday season; that I "should" avoid holiday snacks, treats, and the general feedbag I tie on around this time; that I "should" make a command decision to avoid all the succulent baked goods I whip up every year, for "giving away" as well as for my family (read: mostly me).  But my "shoulding" of myself feels obligatory because I'm not really all that twisted up over my weight loss ennui.

As I just reread that paragraph, it sounds as though I'm in a place of despair about where I am right now.  Actually, I'm not, and even that is fodder for self "shoulding".  I "should" be upset with myself right now because I'm just not going to be strict and restrictive with myself at this point.  But I'm simply not upset with myself.  I have 2 of my 3 kids home now with the 3rd scheduled to arrive late afternoon on Wednesday.  The kids are good; hubby and I are good; my job is bothering me less than usual; I love my friends and feel loved by them.  I don't love my weight, but it's been a lot worse.  I'm not eating with reckless abandon, because trust me that if I was - I'd not be weighing a lithe 208!  I'm feeling content in the present moment.  A glance into the near future assures me that I DO desire to resume my tried and true weight loss behaviors - but not 6 days before Christmas.

This sounds like a long apologetic masquerading as an excuse to put off resuming REAL weight loss effort until January 2, and maybe it is.  But it's the truth right now, and I guess that's why I'm not blogging much - no fantastic success to report.  Or even average success.  I miss blogging more regularly, though I'm reading the same blogs I have been for several years, plus a few new ones.  I know I'm not alone where I am now, but I also see that when I read blogs where people are floundering and feel a touch of sadness for or judgement of them - I'm experiencing those same emotions for myself.

So - things are good except my weight.  I plan to hit the ground running January 2, or maybe even first, and I hope to not put on any more pounds prior that have to be lost before I can hopefully begin my final trip down below the 2nd century in Onederland.  And when the spirit moves me to just say no to a tray of cookies being passed under my nose - believe me I will say that no and be grateful.  But eventually, if I really want what I profess to want - to lose 50 pounds - things will have to change substantially.  In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the family, my friends and the season, and keep reading here even if I'm not posting regularly.  It feels like I have a revamping building inside me - but at a glacial pace.

In case I don't post again before the 25th, I wish everyone a Merry, or a Happy, or a Blessed whatever it is for which you feel gratitude and find peace in these last days of 2011.  We really should endeavor to count blessings and take note of all for which there is to be grateful.  Healthy shoulding at its best!