Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Movin' on down the road

Hi all - Checking back in after being away for 10 days over the last week and a half.  Our trip to Atlanta was fine and I did feel as good in my own skin with the "beautiful in-laws" as I ever had.  They're great people;  I love them;  they love me and I truly believe that.  This is big progress, folks.  After blogging for just over 3 years, I can see how far I've come in self knowledge and self acceptance.  I belong to the human race AND to my family as much as anyone.  I'm not trying to convince myself of that - I believe it and I very happily and gratefully own it.

I've written many pre-Atlanta trip posts about how beautiful, smart and comprehensively attractive in every way my husband's family is and how I always have felt unworthy of being counted among their ranks.  The reality is that from my youngest days (think post-toddler capacity for very early snippets of memory) I always felt that way.  Regardless of how my feelings did or did not represent reality - I grew up believing I was unattractive (at best) and essentially different and less than the rest of humanity.  Whatever got passed out when one was born didn't get included in my life's dowry by the Great Giver of All Gifts.  Sad but true.  I'm not blaming anyone or anything - it was what it was, in my twisted little mind.

I've spent virtually all of my adolescent and adult years working on myself.  In the early days, the work was about escaping the reality of my self-applied sullied essence.  Food worked; alcohol and assorted other substances also helped my create a persona that seemed acceptable.  Profound people pleasing tendencies, right down to agreeing with everything you said so I'd be deemed okay and "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a strategy I honed to precision.  I kept the balls in the air with these tactics for a long time, but eventually the absence of a true core and any genuine knowledge of self began to unravel my self constructed facade of "normal person with a touch of edge".

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've been in and out of therapy over the years.  Back in 1991 I began a journey I never knew I really needed (or wanted to make) by starting to go to AA meetings at the suggestion of the therapist I was currently seeing.  (Good girl people pleasers do what their therapists suggest...)  I even quit drinking after starting to go to the meetings, and my life began a real genuine glacial move towards the light.  LIGHT.  And I actually found the path that has led me to myself.

Obviously as a blogger about my less than successful weight loss endeavors, there is more to do.  My earliest coping mechanism of overeating is still deeply grooved in my neural pathways.  But I'm coming to see that caring about, knowing and loving who I am greatly increases the liklihood that I will stay the course of the journey and find the weight loss and peace with food I've long sought.  It's already happening.  The way I am right now, today, is fine.  I can get better.  I can stay the same.  But I won't backslide.  I can't do that to someone I love.

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Like others in the blogosphere, I'm feeling the need to step away for awhile.  Again.  How many times can I say the same things, wring my same hands, gnash my same teeth?  I'm not going to shut down.  But I'm not going it alone either.  If anything monumental happens, like I wake up finding myself 30 pounds lighter one day, you'll know!  For now, virtual reality is not supporting me the was real reality is.  That tells me it's a great time to investigate the real even more deeply.

Hasta luego.

10 comments:

  1. And again, you and me, in sync:) Feel free to email me anytime you want a little connection without the whole blogging thing.

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  2. Somehow I'm not surprised by this post at all. I will miss your brilliant writing even though I understand COMPLETELY.

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  3. Ahh Leslie. It sounds like you are in a good place, and while I will miss your postings (and I DO hope you drop in once in a while for an update), I totally get the whole "hey, there's support IRL, too!" thing.

    At least let me know how your baby blanket turns out, ok? :)

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  4. I wish you well, Leslie. Numbers 6:24-26. Deb

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  5. I feel the same way my friend and I totally understand. I'm so proud of how far you've come with self acceptance. I do hope you'll update every once in a while and now that you have my number, text, call, email anytime. Especially if you're back in the ATL!

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  6. You have such a wonderful way with words Leslie! I am so happy that you can look in the mirror and love yourself for who you are today and how far you have come. HUGS!!

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  7. I will miss you, but so thrilled you are finding yourself and your way. Keep in touch!

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  8. This seems to be a trend with many of my favorite bloggers! I will miss your wonderful writing style and all of your amazing posts. I have learned so much from you Leslie. Thanks for sharing and blessings to you.

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  9. I totally understand, and I wish you well. I have many of the same feelings about blogging right now. Take care, my friend...

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  10. Is tomorrow the big day? If it is, many happy returns.

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