Surrender to win

Brief post today, but I have to share my ELATION about my type 2 journey.  I had a good weekend - lots of exercise, clean eating, connections with friends...all stuff that would be great on its own.  But I had a huge surprise this morning.  Actually a shock - my fasting blood sugar was 90.  Ninety!  That's entirely in the normal range.  Not borderline range...NORMAL.

Don't worry, I know I'm not normal and never will be.  But I've been diligent and committed in the last 6 weeks (since my Ground Zero experience), and the number has come down steadily.  It's always going to be up and down, but I know at a deep level that it hasn't been at a normal number, even for a day, in a very long time.  VERY.  My Hgb A1C was proof of that.

I can't know for sure because I was too afraid to know.  Too ashamed to own a "fat person's disease" (in my mind only), too ashamed to go into a store with a prescription for a glucometer because "they" (the pharmacy staff?  people in line?  WTF?) would know I had a problem.  Like anyone couldn't look at me and suspect I was a walking mass of simple processed carbohydrates, not that what anyone else thinks matters. Except it does, of course.  But taken to the extreme, that shame and denial was keeping me sick, sluggish and sloppy.  Hmm - the 3 S's of denial?  They fit for me, which may just be a topic for another post.

My greatest shame/fear has become my greatest asset.  This is a widely discussed phenomenon in AA.  As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change.  I sit here today and tell you that I didn't have a light bulb moment.  I didn't hear a message emanate from a burning bush.  I wasn't aware of hitting a bottom, because I'd been dwelling on the bottom (and feeding there) for so long.  I'm beginning to suspect that the grace of God has something to do with this, because I couldn't do it for my whole life.  I know that I was able to get and stay sober by this same grace, but had begun to suspect that was all I'd get, and that I'd have to muster up the where-with-all to get healthy and lose weight on my own.

I'm not going all religious here, but I do believe in a spiritual reality(that I call God) that moves among us and is present always.  This is my many years in AA coming through.  I've seen devout agnostics and atheists relieved of the obsession for alcohol after years of devastating drinking, without any concrete belief in any specific deity or doctrine.  And of course, many who are devout in their beliefs as well.  But my current state just couldn't have come from me, because I've been trying, wishing, hoping, and praying for a lifting of my food obsessive behaviors and drives for years.

Another AA saying I've heard a lot over the years but never felt it apply to me, even with my long-term sobriety, is "Surrender to Win".  I didn't even get what it really meant, but I do now.  Accepting (and surrendering to) my type 2 diabetes has given me tools and capabilities I didn't have before.   I see it as a gift, just like my alcoholism has been a gift.  All I can say is that I'm grateful.  The type 2, or I, may all go to hell in a hand basket tomorrow, but for today I'm good.  And happy to be in awe of a fasting blood sugar of 90!