Monday, April 8, 2013

Hungry Monday

The title says it all.  I'm hungry.  HUNGRY.  And I finished lunch only about 45 minutes ago.  I feel so "empty stomach" hungry that I checked my blood sugar, and it's 110.  Pretty decent for 45 minutes after a meal.  And not too low in any way.  So I guess I'm just hungry.

Some days are just hungry days.  I've been doing very well with food and exercise.  Since the day I had my blood drawn, I've lost 9 pounds - a little over a month ago.  Now, a few of those pounds had found their way back onto my Rubenesque body in the weeks before, so on My Fitness Pal, it looks like I've lost only 5.  But trust me, it's 9 with change, as my digital scale weighs in tenths of pounds.  9.4 to be exact.

I've been trying to stay very low carb, - averaging 35-60 gms per day.  If you're comparing that to Atkins Induction, it sounds high.  Compare it to my usual diet prior to attacking my Type 2, and it is paltrier than paltry.  I'm hearing some comments related to "are you losing....?'", which is nice, of course.  I'm in pants I couldn't wear at all, and just bought a couple new cheap pairs at Kohl's in a smaller size.  It's all good.  Yes?

What is happening is what frequently has happened in the past when I began successfully changing things up and dropping weight.  My head is getting squirrely.  Specifically my thinking.  Like squirrels are literally running around up there messing up my circuitry.  I'm wanting to restrict eating to "move this along", but know that is wrong with a capital WRONG.  Or, I want to have a free day and "get back on" tomorrow.  Or go lower on carbs. Or give this whole thing up.  Or fast for a day.  Lots of highly intelligent thoughts, si?  And as an addict of the first order, I know this is where the dysfunction and disordered eating is percolating - tapping my shoulder and trying to woo me over to the dark side.  As in chocolate (preferably not that dark!) and assorted edibles over which I'm truly powerless once they enter into my mouth.

This is like early sobriety when things being settling down, and one is starting to feel much better, and beginning to believe that "maybe I can do this".  And then the thought of a drink buzz, or a nice little journey to oblivion for awhile begins to pop up.  It's destructive thinking, and it can quickly lead to destructive drinking.  Again.  I finally made it through that a couple decades ago with the booze; but I haven't made it through in my quest for recovery from food addiction, overeating and obesity.  YET.

There are some differences this time.  My blood sugar meter is with me most of the time, and when I've had an occasion off-plan indulgence, I check my sugar to see just what the "treat" afforded me in terms of screwing with my sugar.  Seeing a high blood sugar is a lot more concrete and hard core than just wishing I hadn't just eaten whatever it was I ate.  It's like, reality, man!  More than that, by some miracle, I'm willing to check the number, rather than just be afraid of it.  That is still amazing to me.  Somehow, I now get that the number is what it is or (as I've paraphrased) it ALREADY is what it is and not knowing doesn't change it or make it go down.

I feel that I am present in the arena with the type 2 now, and I'm not going to let it betray me, beat me and erode my health.  I'm not fighting and invisible unknown enemy - I am able to monitor its whereabouts and take action to beat it back.  This has become more about Type 2 diabetes than losing weight, oddly enough.  The glucometer doesn't lie.  Sometimes the scale does, or gives me numbers that I can explain away by recalling a salty meal, being bloated, etc.  All the retained water in the world is not going to change my blood sugar.  And being faithful in using the meter and getting the blood sugar down is so far affecting my weight.  So far, so good.

My eating disordered mind still scares me.  I can't suddenly ignore it, or the voices it generates will eventually lure me back to disordered eating.  But I feel I have more tools now to stand up to my crazy ass mind.

This probably sounds like gobbledy gook, but it makes sense to me.  And even moreso as I sit here and write about it.  I had no intention of posting today, but as my hunger was roiling and I was contemplating eating something I'd regret, it seemed a good idea to write about it.  And believe it or not, I feel better for now.

Lastly, I can't say how wonderful it feels to wake up without regret in the morning.  This was an early reward in sobriety for me, and now with my diabetes journey to this point.  Absence of remorse on a daily basis is a great way to start each day.


  1. When I totally gave up grains, and 98-99% of all sugars (of any type-real or artificial), the crazy/crave-y talk when away. Entirely. Grains (that turn to sugar in your body), and real/artificial sweeteners affect your brain chemistry, and induce craving. Medically/scientifically proven (all over the place.) Sadly, cutting back, alone, won't stop it. It takes abstinence. But then once you do abstain, after about 4 days, voila! No more inner cray-cray- talk!

  2. WENT away. Not when away. :)

  3. I've had all those disordered thoughts you talked about. Why shouldn't we? They are not original thoughts to us. They are things we've heard or read over and over through the years. I think it helps to also fill my mind with true thoughts. What comes to mind are the stats from the National Weight Control registry about what has worked for long term weight maintainers, scientific information about food and exercise and what it really does for you in the Nutrition Action Healthletter, and even a book put out by W.W. about ten weight loss myths (

  4. First of all, if you actually Something with protein and good fat and veggies preferably.
    The disordered thinking takes a toll. I have crazy brain too. As Gwen said though, the cray-cray got better when I started eating differently. It's tempting to slip back into the "comfort" and ease of eating in the old way. You are doing great though. Tell the squirrels in your head to shut up! lol

  5. If it helps, I recognize all of your disordered thoughts...yep, I had them too, and occasionally they still pop up. But, knowing how good I feel about my eating keeps me from acting on them most of the time.

    Oh, and when I was actively dieting and had a hungry day like what you're experiencing, I was pretty much guaranteed to have a good loss on the scale that week. I realize that doesn't help at the moment when you are HUNGRY, but soon you will be rewarded!

    I like what you said about the glucometer not lying, and not being able to explain away a gain by salt, etc. Sounds like it's keeping you honest, which is a good thing even though I know you'd like to go back to the old Leslie way of thinking (and eating) every once in a while. But know this: the longer you move forward with eating right to treat your diabetes, the easier it will get - I promise you.

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  7. It is protein that holds you. On your hungry days is your protein high enough?

    Green beans, mushrooms/onion/zucchini were things I turned to as a replacement for starches (still have carbs in them, but can be eaten in higher volume) on hungry days.

    the thinking (you described) tends to happen to those who think "diet" - those who think fuel for my body, even blood sugar level, nutrition, learn to think "health" which makes a BIG difference.

    Eating at meal time, always eating protein with carbs (even if we are talking green bean carbs), eating real food, eating for nutrition are all things that have helped me.

  8. I know what you mean about having "hungry days." Your body may really be hungry, because our bodies and brains have memories of too much sugar and too many calories, and thus the cravings. It may also mean that your body is giving up the weight at that time. In my case, if I'm not feeling a bit hungry, it's usually a period of my body holding on to the weight.

    I also know what it is too want to "hurry the weight loss process," and when I have succumbed to those thoughts, it has always been the first step to falling off the wagon.

    This weight loss thing is a very difficult task, with pitfalls all over the place. Hang in there, Leslie, we can do this.

  9. Hi Leslie! I agree with all of the commentors who said to avoid the refined carbs because they cause cravings.

    The squirrels in the head thing is like a food addiction withdrawal thing. I've had that before too. It does eventually go away but not until it drives you nuts (for the squirrels in your brain, of course) for quite a while. :D

    Overall, you're doing very good. It's always a little 2 steps forward and 1 step back for everyone. I did understand your logic in this post.

    :-) Marion


  10. Congrats! I think this is your best post ever...and best work too. Just very inspiring all around :) Thanks for sharing.

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