Inching towards extra inches

Our snow total in Philly this weekend was 23.2 inches! Impressive, and record setting for the city. Also beautiful. Having grown up in Florida and then living in Georgia for several years, snow still delights and amazes me. I love to stand in the garage looking out at the air just teeming with zillions of frenetically falling flakes, looking like wild whiteout chaos - yet utterly silent. It makes not a sound! On the news they were talking about a phenomenon called "thundersnow" where there is actually thunder during almost blizzard conditions where the snow falls at a rate of 3-5 inches/hour. We didn't get any of that, but places in Jersey did. I got one cool picture of an uber icicle that I can't post because I forgot my camera cable. Maybe next time.

I was absolved from shoveling duty for this storm because of the infamous knee, which continues to baffle and stymie me, along with totally pissing me off. I never mind shoveling snow with the husband...great exercise and invigorating. And being "the little woman", I can always go in when I get tired of it. Alas, my exercise Saturday consisted of making a pot of split pea soup and holding down the couch most of the day.

I'm sorry to keep talking about the knee, but it's really getting discouraging to have it continue to swell up and down, and just feel weak and tender. I continue to have the one "hot spot" below the actual knee that really hurts at times when I walk and causes me to limp. I don't feel it all the time which I'm sure is a good thing, but when I do, I really have to alter my gait. This whole thing is so NOT ME! I'm not whiny, I don't have a low tolerance to pain, I'm willing to work through discomfort, and I hate being so less active than usual! Damn it!

Then yesterday, after I'd spent a lot of the day out shopping and running/leg dragging around, I was pretty limpy by late afternoon. I saw a friend at a meeting and she got this stricken look on her face and said, "Oh My God! You're worse!" Do people realize how upsetting that kind of thing is? I told her I was actually better, but very tired after a too-active day and overdue on my Aleve; but she wouldn't reliquish her obsessively worried look. Rather than assessing, just ask how I'm doing, please. I start Physical Therapy tomorrow, for which I can't wait. I know it will be helpful to have some guidance and support, as well as encouragement that I won't be like this forever.

Also, my eating continues to deteriorate. I didn't get on the scale in the last 3 days, which isn't a good sign, so I need to weigh tomorrow to see what's up - HAH! Literally. (That wasn't intentional, but fitting, huh?) What with wrestling with the knee, being behind on all aspects of holiday preparation, and generally feeling sorry for myself, it feels like too much to eat sanely. I know in my head that I'm going to have to deal with the weight gain eventually and that this overeating I'm continuing with right now is totally counterproductive to who I am and what I want for myself; but the self-pitying emotional part of me feels like I just can't restrict myself when I have this knee thing going on. Talk about a shitty excuse.

I've said this before in the last few posts and I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but it ain't going away. In fact, it's escalating. That's what the slippery slope is all about. So far I haven't baked any cookies, but I have made the outrageous herbed nuts that I give away each year, and the cookie recipes are stacked up on the counter, just goading me to get moving. My kids will eat them, but they'll eat them like normal people. Same with hubby. Just one, 2 tops. WTF??????????? Like someone who drinks half a glass of wine and leaves the rest...makes no sense to me. Addiction, thy name is Leslie.

I still haven't binged, but I'm starting to wonder at what point overeating becomes a full on binge. Just because I'm spacing out the overindulgences over my awake time rather than cramming it into a couple of hours doesn't really change what I'm consuming, I suppose. I think the volume is less, and I'm not out of control - but the true nature of what I'm doing is threaded throughout, whether bingeing or grazing. AARRGGHH! And do you know I just had the thought that if my knee would be all better, I'd be fine and stop this? Denial, thy name is ALSO Leslie.

I'm going to try to not anguish too much over this all, as there is much good going on as well. My daughter from the Domincan Republic is in Atlanta for a few days and will get here on the 24th. Stephen in Chicago will be get home the 23rd, and our nest will be full. Our kids are great and continue to reassure that they don't need or want "stuff"; they just want to hang out as a family and torment me! It is always open season on mom, and I will love every minute of it. They're very funny and edgy which makes for great entertainment. I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that to allow myself to grovel in despair is self-indulgent and futile. I'm aware of what I'm doing and I do say no to things I'd just as soon have. These wouldn't be happening if I was off the deep end, so I'll continue to tread water, tell on myself, and keep the vision of my best self clean in the mind's eye. This is a detour, not the end of the road.