Monday, December 21, 2009

Inching towards extra inches

Our snow total in Philly this weekend was 23.2 inches! Impressive, and record setting for the city. Also beautiful. Having grown up in Florida and then living in Georgia for several years, snow still delights and amazes me. I love to stand in the garage looking out at the air just teeming with zillions of frenetically falling flakes, looking like wild whiteout chaos - yet utterly silent. It makes not a sound! On the news they were talking about a phenomenon called "thundersnow" where there is actually thunder during almost blizzard conditions where the snow falls at a rate of 3-5 inches/hour. We didn't get any of that, but places in Jersey did. I got one cool picture of an uber icicle that I can't post because I forgot my camera cable. Maybe next time.

I was absolved from shoveling duty for this storm because of the infamous knee, which continues to baffle and stymie me, along with totally pissing me off. I never mind shoveling snow with the husband...great exercise and invigorating. And being "the little woman", I can always go in when I get tired of it. Alas, my exercise Saturday consisted of making a pot of split pea soup and holding down the couch most of the day.

I'm sorry to keep talking about the knee, but it's really getting discouraging to have it continue to swell up and down, and just feel weak and tender. I continue to have the one "hot spot" below the actual knee that really hurts at times when I walk and causes me to limp. I don't feel it all the time which I'm sure is a good thing, but when I do, I really have to alter my gait. This whole thing is so NOT ME! I'm not whiny, I don't have a low tolerance to pain, I'm willing to work through discomfort, and I hate being so less active than usual! Damn it!

Then yesterday, after I'd spent a lot of the day out shopping and running/leg dragging around, I was pretty limpy by late afternoon. I saw a friend at a meeting and she got this stricken look on her face and said, "Oh My God! You're worse!" Do people realize how upsetting that kind of thing is? I told her I was actually better, but very tired after a too-active day and overdue on my Aleve; but she wouldn't reliquish her obsessively worried look. Rather than assessing, just ask how I'm doing, please. I start Physical Therapy tomorrow, for which I can't wait. I know it will be helpful to have some guidance and support, as well as encouragement that I won't be like this forever.

Also, my eating continues to deteriorate. I didn't get on the scale in the last 3 days, which isn't a good sign, so I need to weigh tomorrow to see what's up - HAH! Literally. (That wasn't intentional, but fitting, huh?) What with wrestling with the knee, being behind on all aspects of holiday preparation, and generally feeling sorry for myself, it feels like too much to eat sanely. I know in my head that I'm going to have to deal with the weight gain eventually and that this overeating I'm continuing with right now is totally counterproductive to who I am and what I want for myself; but the self-pitying emotional part of me feels like I just can't restrict myself when I have this knee thing going on. Talk about a shitty excuse.

I've said this before in the last few posts and I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but it ain't going away. In fact, it's escalating. That's what the slippery slope is all about. So far I haven't baked any cookies, but I have made the outrageous herbed nuts that I give away each year, and the cookie recipes are stacked up on the counter, just goading me to get moving. My kids will eat them, but they'll eat them like normal people. Same with hubby. Just one, 2 tops. WTF??????????? Like someone who drinks half a glass of wine and leaves the rest...makes no sense to me. Addiction, thy name is Leslie.

I still haven't binged, but I'm starting to wonder at what point overeating becomes a full on binge. Just because I'm spacing out the overindulgences over my awake time rather than cramming it into a couple of hours doesn't really change what I'm consuming, I suppose. I think the volume is less, and I'm not out of control - but the true nature of what I'm doing is threaded throughout, whether bingeing or grazing. AARRGGHH! And do you know I just had the thought that if my knee would be all better, I'd be fine and stop this? Denial, thy name is ALSO Leslie.

I'm going to try to not anguish too much over this all, as there is much good going on as well. My daughter from the Domincan Republic is in Atlanta for a few days and will get here on the 24th. Stephen in Chicago will be get home the 23rd, and our nest will be full. Our kids are great and continue to reassure that they don't need or want "stuff"; they just want to hang out as a family and torment me! It is always open season on mom, and I will love every minute of it. They're very funny and edgy which makes for great entertainment. I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that to allow myself to grovel in despair is self-indulgent and futile. I'm aware of what I'm doing and I do say no to things I'd just as soon have. These wouldn't be happening if I was off the deep end, so I'll continue to tread water, tell on myself, and keep the vision of my best self clean in the mind's eye. This is a detour, not the end of the road.


  1. Funny, you grew up in Florida and snow delights and amazes you... I grew up in several snowy states and would love to live in Florida!

  2. I'm not sure what the differences are among grazing, overeating, binging, splurging and packing it away. The effects are pretty much the same.

    The Eskimos have many different words for snow. Do you think they sit around and wonder how many words we have for EAT? LOL

  3. Power to treading water. That is about all I can do right now too...

  4. I love snow. I would gladly take some of yours. We are going have a white Christmas maybe . A little is better than none. Merry Christmas and good luck with the hungry Monster.

  5. You are taking a positive approach to this. Keep at it!

  6. Interesting question about the differences between grazing, overeating, binging. I agree with Whata Splurge--I think the result is the same. We just gotta keep fighting the good fight. Don't dispair. I know what its like to have a bad knee. I have a steel plated knee cap. You just have to take it easy when it flares up.

    Hang in there Leslie

  7. It is a bad excuse to say you're not controlling your eating because of the other crappiness that's going on. You should be controlling your eating right now because it's one of the few things you CAN control. It will make you feel better if you can report that you're doing something good for yourself.

  8. hey leslie....the next time you run into someone like that look em dead in the eye and say...'you mean the leg is still there'...
    they should look real confused...then you can just totter way...
    sometimes...people are just morons.
    Hope your Christmas goes well and your leg heals.

  9. Your comment about when overeating becomes bingeing is very apt... I remember some weightloss guru banging on about how naughty she'd once been with a 3-slice toast binge. FFS!! That's breakfast, not a binge! I know I'm pretty extreme, but if she's said she'd even the whole loaf with half a pound of butter THEN I'd have been satisfied it was a binge! lol

    Hope your physical therapy goes well today...

    We had thundersnow last night - first time I'd ever experienced it. The snow was coming down thick and fast, then there was a bright flash in the dark and a HUGE rumble of thunder, so the storm must have been very close by. The cats jumped about a foot in the air!

  10. Hi Leslie. What I term bingeing is when I can't stop eating. Usually it's at some speed, but not always. It could be a more drawn out thing. But it's the element of not being able to stop that makes it so different from any other kind of eating. There is no satisfaction.

    If you can't stop that's the point when you really need to stop ... Hmmmm. That's the whole problem here isn't it?!

    Hope you're able to enjoy the holiday whatever's happening with the eating.

    Bearfriend xx
    (written late because I have no internet connection)

  11. Grazing is not so bad, that just means you do it in little controlled bursts. I'm not going to beat you over the head for that. We all do that during the holidays. Do remember the time of year you live in and don't bake those cookies. I'm sure your family can live without them and there will be no temptation for you. They will understand. I hope your knee gets better soon and that physical therapy will help a lot.

  12. Stay positive Leslie! Pain and snow don't make for easy times but both of those will go away soon! Hang in there!

  13. We missed that big snow storm here in Indiana, would love to see pictures if you get a chance to post them!
    Hang in there, holidays are not an easy time for any of us and it is easy to binge. We just have to all stick together on this.
    I started a new blog just devoted to my get fit lifestyle
    to hopefully keep me on track.
    I wish a Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

  14. I love the snow too! We only got 12-15' here in Boston but it didn't make it up to the mountains where we need it. Wish I saw the thunder snow.

    I hope the knee feels better soon. I've had knee injuries and broke my foot a couple of years ago and it sent me down the slippery slope of weight re-re-re-gain. Don't let it happen to you. It's too hard to have to lose it all over again.

    Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas.