Sunday, December 6, 2009

Somber Sunday

Sunday morning, and the knee recuperation is progressing, I guess. It isn't truly painful, but it feels tender, tight and quite delicate to walk on. The swelling is minimal, though internally it feels congested - that's part of the tightness I think. Yesterday I mostly laid low with the knee elevated and iced occasionally. By evening it was achy enough that I did resort to a Vicodan for discomfort. It helped, and definitely helped me sleep. I can also say that I perceived no buzz at all. Probably a good thing, but I feel a bit ripped off. What an f-ing addict I am. I woke up this morning with it feeling continually tight and stiff, though not really in pain. I went to my 7 a.m. AA meeting both days, and then breakfast with friends as usual. Then home for the laying low part of recuperating.

This is showing me what a freaking baby I am about the most minor of inconveniences. I haven't started decorating for Christmas, and before I do I have to clean. I was thinking I'd be okay to do this to some extent today, but see that I'm not. My discomfort today actually sent me to my pre-op instructions, which reminded me that keeping the knee snugly ace-wrapped and frequent icing would help with healing and inflammation. I'd removed the ace wrap the first night (which was fine) but never replaced it other than to secure ice packs yesterday. So I have it rewrapped, and will be religious about every 2 hour icing today. In the big picture, this is such small potatos and I feel bad whining about it. But I guess I can whine on my own blog. Feel free to run from this post at any moment.

The other thing I need to say is another confession. But not about bingeing! I've continued with my clean eating throughout this knee thing so far, which is huge for me. I'm really happy about it. The confession is that I said the other day that I wasn't going to get on the scale for a week. Well, I got on the morning of the surgery and was 192.2, which delighted me. The first evening home, a friend brought over some treats, and all I had was one lemon square from Wegman's that was no where near as good as the ones I make. It didn't trigger me at all; in fact I didn't finish it. Yesterday I was totally clean again so this morning I decided to hop back up on the scale, knowing how righteous I've been. And I'm talking totally clean. Well, I was 197. I immediately knew it has to do with fluid retention (feels like 90% of it is in my knee), anesthesia, whatever... but I was really irritated. I just need to say it here to unload it let it go. This is why I can't weight much - it can make or break my mood and what with being irritable, emotional and uncomfortable today, the scale reading just added to my funkiness.

I'm not going to overeat today. I won't. But this kind of scale murk has me thinking I should fast the rest of the day, or at least undereat. I know that's stupid and am not going to fall into that pit either. Disordered thinking at it's, worst. Knowledge of the gain adds contention, confusion, scheming and conniving into my mental mix that I didn't need. And if I'd stuck to my "promise of not weighing until next Friday, I wouldn't have this to contend with. So often, my misery is of my own making.

One of my AA buds this morning reminded me that general anesthesia, even the 35 short minutes I was under, can play with our emotions and mental status for up to a week, at some level. As a nurse, I know that but tend to think that's a copout for me being totally off the beam. I'm being hard on myself for no reason. I know it in my head, but I can't turn it off. Whatever it all is, I know the answer is to follow my food plan that I've been doing for 6 days now (minus the 1/2 lemon square) and stay off the scale. Just do the next right thing, and it will all be okay and equilibrium will return over the next couple of days.

One of my dearest and closest friends is currently dying of cancer. She'd been doing well until 10 days ago when her routine every 3 month PET and CAT scan revealed many metastatic sites in the bones, spine and brain. (This started in her lung.) She never smoked and lives the cleanest healthiest life of anyone I know. She's been my AA sponsor since the beginning of my sobriety over 18 years ago. It's tearing me up, and I keep saying to myself that Lisa would give anything to have her worst problem be a knee healing from arthroscopic surgery. I guess her situation is also playing with my mood. I expect I'll be talking about her more in coming posts, as she's also a recovering food addict who's helped me and been available and true blue to me for all these years. Just the other day I was telling her that I was again beginning to weight and measure my food portions and tighten back up my food plan. And her response was, "great idea...when in doubt, weigh it out".

She has a 6 year old and and 11 year old. Her husband was at the meeting this morning and for the first time talked openly about her dying. It was gut-wrenching. She started new oral chemo on Thanksgiving that was to evidence quickly if it's working in the lessening of pain she's having. Her husband said this morning that her pain is worsening, along with a cough developing which is new. This is going to be fast, painful and ugly. I feel powerless to do much of anything but love her dearly as I do. My temporary inconveniences and discomforts really aren't that big a deal, even though they're real. It's okay for me to whine a little, but perspective is everything.

Thanks for letting me unload this stuff. I commit to a clean day of following my plan. I ask the universe for patience, tolerance, wisdom and serenity about my own stuff; and a peaceful path for my dear Lisa and her family.


  1. Leslie, it sounds as if you needed to unload. I can understand your frustrations about the scale. While I weight just about every day, I don't advise we all do that. We each have to find what works best for us.

    I feel so sorry for your friend and her family - and you as well. Sometimes things just don't seem fair, do they? Perhaps, if anything, it will happen fast enough there will be little suffering.

  2. Leslie - I'm glad your surgery is over and sounds as if you've faired well overall. I understand your conundrum with the scale. Any time I try to stay off, I want back on, so I just decided to weigh everyday and try not to let it get to me. The not knowing is worse for me. And, I feel so horrible for your friend and her family. I don't know what else to say about it...just tragic.

  3. I'm so sorry about your friend... Thinking of you...

    Patsy x

  4. Oh Leslie I am so sorry to hear about your friend. You know I completely understand.

    "Scale murk" Just love that phrase. Keep that in mind - it IS murk and nothing more.

  5. Hope you're feeling better soon!

  6. Hugs to you Leslie. So sorry to hear about your friend. That is just awful...

  7. Sending good thoughts your way! Get healed up so you can kick ass and take names.

  8. It's good of you to unload and share the story of your friend with us. It sounds to me as though you've got your head on straight and know very well what you must do. I wish you all the best. Stay away from that scale, it's unimportant how much you weigh. It's how your clothes fit you that matters and how you feel about yourself.

  9. I think you mentioned that you are going back to your therapist. You need this with the friend's cancer.

    Cancer family - If they will listen, see if you can get the husband to find suppport for the kids NOW. There are centers set up to help children with grieving. and it is easier on the kids to start before the actual death - so the support is there and then continues. these centers are set up for kids and know what they are doing.

    (Step sister, breast cancer, her kids were tiny at the time).

    I swelled to 160-165 lbs after my last surgery and it took about a month to go back down to my then normal weight of 150-155. It is chemical. Drink lots of water, get your sleep, and eat clean.

  10. Hi Leslie. I'm late reading this as I've been ill myself - nothing serious, only a virus/flu type thing but even that has made me feel very depressed. Just shows how relatively minor and temporary illness can disrupt our mental state.

    So sorry about your friend. A tragedy for her and her family - but also very difficult for you to face losing someone like that. YOu are very wise to wish peace for her.

    Hope you are feeling OK today.

    Bearfriend xx

  11. I'm glad to hear you are recouperating from your knee surgery~~don't let that number on the scale get to you (I know, easier said than done). Just concentrate on healing and eating right.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and the troubles her and her family are going through. The fact that she has been by your side through some difficult times, it is going to be hard to take. Just know you have many many friends here on your blog who will listen anytime you need to type out your emotions. My mother lost her battle with Cancer 8 years ago. Your friend and her family will be in my prayers.

  12. how goes life in KneeLand? You are fully in the after now. . .