I need to write and do something I've probably needed to do for awhile, but have been valiantly trying to ignore and steamroll through. This is a classic somewhat self-not-respecting behavior pattern of not trusting my gut and listening to my inner voice. This morning as I fired up my work computer, I knew I could no longer deny that I need a blog vacation. I'm just not feeling the blogging for the last couple of months, which is a huge surprise to me. I'm still feeling the reading of others' blogs, but I can tell the quality of my writing (which is a direct result of the content of my thoughts and feelings) is not what it has been in the past. Maybe I'm feeling a bit stale in the thought and word generation arena, and it's not satisfying to fake it.
I'm thinking this is a temporary state, but for today I know I can't continue to write stuff that I have to think up. My best writing has always flowed through my fingertips, appearing on the "page" before I actually am sure what's going to come out. The germ of an idea, or more often - internal angst, has always been my best and truest muse. That's how I've always know I'm a "real" writer - that the written word as it flows through my consciousness is my most effective medium for self expression. That's not to say I'm talented or gifted or any other laudable artiste. Rather, writing really allows the best me to emerge. When I have to "come up with" fodder about which to blog and start dreading trying to crank out something clever or wise or whatever ego driven bullshit I call it, I know it's time to step away for a bit.
I'll still be reading and commenting, esp. on my top 10 (or 50) favorites. I feel genuine friendships have formed for me with several of you, and to not stay current on what's going on in your worlds isn't even an option. But I am continually feeling called to invest my time in more personal reflection and establishing a more consistent practice of meditation and spiritual development. Maybe after a week, I'll be all evolved and self actualized and back here ragging on about every little thing that my spirit sends our through these fingers. But for now, the spirit is saying to honor my gut and take a step back for a bit.
I've pondered this for a couple of months - longer, really; but sister ego has said "you'll lose followers...", "you'll be forgotten in a flash", on and on with messages that actually reveal core low self-esteem that I desire to let go of. And guess what? I've already lost a few. And what does that mean, really - in the big picture?When this blog is more ego feeding proposition than honest outpouring of my inner landscalpe, my writing becomes ho hum and forced. Lifeless. And please, PUH-LEESE know I'm not asking for any compliments and commentary about the life or quality of my writing. I'm just saying what is for now.
So - I'll see how it goes. In the meantime, know I'm still doing well with WWP+, beginning to get out and do some long walks, and intending to come on down the scale. You know damn well that when I hit any big milestone, like a certain re-entry into Onederland in the coming weeks - I'll be blabbing it all over the airwaves! Keep the faith, dear bloggers.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Weekend Rag-a-logue
This has been a crazy winter for me, and the last 3 days are no exception. Friday we had an inservice day with no clients - just some welcome down time having staff meetings and then presentations on some different topics. I woke up feeling great - perfectly normal, but after sitting in the first meeting for about 20 minutes, I started feeling very weird and light headed. I kept thinking it would pass, but it didn't, so I finally decided to take the last 4 hours of my day as a sick day. Lightheadedness was the only symptom, but it was unnerving.
As I was driving the 5 minutes home, it dawned on me that I'd had that fall on the ice less than 2 weeks ago and maybe I should call my family doc and just see if he thought I should come in and get checked. I talked to his tech and ran the whole thing by. She was going to talk to him but thought he'd want me to come in. Well, 2 hours later she called me back to report he said I should go to the emergency room immediately. Really? Are you kidding? By then I was definitely feeling a bit better, but being a dutiful patient, hubby and I headed off to the local ER - the same one I went to the morning I hit my head.
It was open season in the ER, just packed with a horrifying variety of everything from broken fingers to what appeared to be life threatening conditions. Because I was a possible "head", I got triaged fast by the same guy who'd triaged me 2 weeks prior. We had a great rapport, and given that all seemed intact on me, he very nicely expedited me getting another head CAT scan. He said if it was normal I'd go right to Fast Track and home, but if there was any change, I'd obviously have to come into the real ER - God forbid.
Within 10 minutes I was being whisked off to get the scan, so I was thinking I'd be out in a flash (God willing!). I came back and took my seat next to hubby in the waiting room, and then...not 1, not 2, but 3 hours later I finally got called to Fast Track. By that time, my lightheaded was gone, and my biggest affliction was extreme pangs of hunger from not eating since about 6:30 a.m. It was now almost 5! During those 3 hours, we sat among bloody fingers, screaming babies, a serious eye injury and several folks who had loud hacking terrible coughs and respiratory symptoms. I felt like I should get up and help some of these folks, and in fact helped an older lady get to the bathroom because she was limping terribly, and her ride had left.
I actually wondered if hubby was going to come down with something from the exposure to all the exploding germs and sickness...he tends to be a big baby if he so much as sneezes, so I was thinking purely of my own welfare.
Obviously the scan was fine, and off we went home. I felt good enough at that point to have a yogurt and then take the dog for a 2 mile walk. All was well, until I woke up Saturday morning with a distinct sore throat. I decided to will it away, and carried on with my planned catch up activities from the lost Friday in the ER. But as the dare wore on, my nose got stuffy, I got a bit achy, and was clearly getting something. Saturday night I hacked, coughed and literally had to stuff my nostrils with tissue to keep them from constantly draining. Just a bad cold, which on me invariably ends up with a sinus infection, and now I realize that was likely the cause of my lightheadness Friday. I was a mess Saturday night, and Sunday after dragging myself to WW for my weigh in, spent all day on the couch sniffling, trying to get Afrin into my totally occluded nostrils...really lovely. I literally watched 4 sequential 2 hour McBride movies on the Hallmark movie channel! Very edifying, let me tell you.
This morning I'm a little better, and decided to get my sorry self up, shower and go to my morning meeting. Just having stood in the steam of the shower helped clear my head some. I started on an antibiotic yesterday that I always have to go on if I get a sinus infection, so I should be covered as far as being contagious, though sinus infections tend to not be anyway.
I'm starting to think I need to enter the geriatric blogging community (is there one?) instead of the weight loss community! I'm really tired of being an endless rag with complaining, falling and being sick! As I used to tell the frequent flyer kids when I was a school nurse...I'm the sickest healthy person I know. Not really...but I'm just ready for warm weather and being able to walk around without fear of black ice that lands me in sickness infused waiting rooms!
On to my weigh in - the reason I was determined to get there yesterday morning was that I had a good week, and I was hoping for a big loss (~2-3 lbs?). Well - to add insult to injury, my loss was .6 lbs. Not stellar, but better than a gain. I was annoyed, but not deterred in any way.
My big task today is going to be spending probably upwards of 2 hours on the phone with Dell's tech support getting my laptop off the critical list. I really dread it - was going to do it yesterday but just didn't have it in me. I feel like I've lost an arm not having it - which is utterly ridiculous. But not having it is another reason my blogging has been sparse this weekend. Hopefully later I'll be able to catch up on other blogs - but our only other computer is the desk top that hubby is on all day for work. Since it's a holiday, maybe he won't be needing it as much.
Here's to a great week for everyone.
As I was driving the 5 minutes home, it dawned on me that I'd had that fall on the ice less than 2 weeks ago and maybe I should call my family doc and just see if he thought I should come in and get checked. I talked to his tech and ran the whole thing by. She was going to talk to him but thought he'd want me to come in. Well, 2 hours later she called me back to report he said I should go to the emergency room immediately. Really? Are you kidding? By then I was definitely feeling a bit better, but being a dutiful patient, hubby and I headed off to the local ER - the same one I went to the morning I hit my head.
It was open season in the ER, just packed with a horrifying variety of everything from broken fingers to what appeared to be life threatening conditions. Because I was a possible "head", I got triaged fast by the same guy who'd triaged me 2 weeks prior. We had a great rapport, and given that all seemed intact on me, he very nicely expedited me getting another head CAT scan. He said if it was normal I'd go right to Fast Track and home, but if there was any change, I'd obviously have to come into the real ER - God forbid.
Within 10 minutes I was being whisked off to get the scan, so I was thinking I'd be out in a flash (God willing!). I came back and took my seat next to hubby in the waiting room, and then...not 1, not 2, but 3 hours later I finally got called to Fast Track. By that time, my lightheaded was gone, and my biggest affliction was extreme pangs of hunger from not eating since about 6:30 a.m. It was now almost 5! During those 3 hours, we sat among bloody fingers, screaming babies, a serious eye injury and several folks who had loud hacking terrible coughs and respiratory symptoms. I felt like I should get up and help some of these folks, and in fact helped an older lady get to the bathroom because she was limping terribly, and her ride had left.
I actually wondered if hubby was going to come down with something from the exposure to all the exploding germs and sickness...he tends to be a big baby if he so much as sneezes, so I was thinking purely of my own welfare.
Obviously the scan was fine, and off we went home. I felt good enough at that point to have a yogurt and then take the dog for a 2 mile walk. All was well, until I woke up Saturday morning with a distinct sore throat. I decided to will it away, and carried on with my planned catch up activities from the lost Friday in the ER. But as the dare wore on, my nose got stuffy, I got a bit achy, and was clearly getting something. Saturday night I hacked, coughed and literally had to stuff my nostrils with tissue to keep them from constantly draining. Just a bad cold, which on me invariably ends up with a sinus infection, and now I realize that was likely the cause of my lightheadness Friday. I was a mess Saturday night, and Sunday after dragging myself to WW for my weigh in, spent all day on the couch sniffling, trying to get Afrin into my totally occluded nostrils...really lovely. I literally watched 4 sequential 2 hour McBride movies on the Hallmark movie channel! Very edifying, let me tell you.
This morning I'm a little better, and decided to get my sorry self up, shower and go to my morning meeting. Just having stood in the steam of the shower helped clear my head some. I started on an antibiotic yesterday that I always have to go on if I get a sinus infection, so I should be covered as far as being contagious, though sinus infections tend to not be anyway.
I'm starting to think I need to enter the geriatric blogging community (is there one?) instead of the weight loss community! I'm really tired of being an endless rag with complaining, falling and being sick! As I used to tell the frequent flyer kids when I was a school nurse...I'm the sickest healthy person I know. Not really...but I'm just ready for warm weather and being able to walk around without fear of black ice that lands me in sickness infused waiting rooms!
On to my weigh in - the reason I was determined to get there yesterday morning was that I had a good week, and I was hoping for a big loss (~2-3 lbs?). Well - to add insult to injury, my loss was .6 lbs. Not stellar, but better than a gain. I was annoyed, but not deterred in any way.
My big task today is going to be spending probably upwards of 2 hours on the phone with Dell's tech support getting my laptop off the critical list. I really dread it - was going to do it yesterday but just didn't have it in me. I feel like I've lost an arm not having it - which is utterly ridiculous. But not having it is another reason my blogging has been sparse this weekend. Hopefully later I'll be able to catch up on other blogs - but our only other computer is the desk top that hubby is on all day for work. Since it's a holiday, maybe he won't be needing it as much.
Here's to a great week for everyone.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Forbidden fruit
Well, another one bites the dust for this blogger. Another seemingly benign food item, that is. I have finally developed a taste for some reduced fat cheeses - not to eat to excess, but just to use (in moderation) instead of their higher fat equivalents. The non-organic brand I like best now is Sargento - the taste of their reduced fat Swiss actually bears a reasonable resemblance to real Swiss, which no others I've tried do. Same with their cheddar - both shredded and sliced, so I often use these on my breakfast sandwiches, though lately I've been going cheese-free with them.
But they also make reduced fat colby cheese sticks that are packaged just like string cheese. The usual mozarella string cheese, low fat or regular, are fine - but mozarella doesn't generally top my favorite list. It's fine, but not even a real treat. But the Sargento 60 calorie less than 2 point colby cheese sticks are yummy. I actually like them better than their full fat version which are 80 calories a pop. The reduced fat ones are firmer and less creamy which makes them resemble REAL cheese, so it's mostly a texture thing.
Therein lies the problem. I've been buying them for awhile, feeling very saintly with my sensible reduced fat selection. Then I discovered that if I stick one in the freezer for 10-15 minutes before eating, it's even firmer and more legit tasting. That's okay with one stick a day when it's counted in with the rest of my points. Yesterday, for some reason, I ended up having 5 over about 2 hours after work. Yes, I tracked them. Yes, it was better than cookies, chips or other assorted foodstuffs in which I've been known to partake.
So - I'm not buying them anymore, and I'm not eating the ones left. I've informed hubby and son that they need to eat 'em up, or else they'll be brought to work where they will get scarfed in a big hurry.
So now, there are dried cranberries, most crackers (esp. saltines because I discovered how good they taste with butter), most cookies, and innocent little Colby cheese sticks. I believe I can live a long happy life without ever having one again. Moderation, intuition, mindfulness...as these all relate to eating, are great. But it's important to know my threshold items that will invariably send me to the dark side. Because I intuitive know that I can't eat just one.
But they also make reduced fat colby cheese sticks that are packaged just like string cheese. The usual mozarella string cheese, low fat or regular, are fine - but mozarella doesn't generally top my favorite list. It's fine, but not even a real treat. But the Sargento 60 calorie less than 2 point colby cheese sticks are yummy. I actually like them better than their full fat version which are 80 calories a pop. The reduced fat ones are firmer and less creamy which makes them resemble REAL cheese, so it's mostly a texture thing.
Therein lies the problem. I've been buying them for awhile, feeling very saintly with my sensible reduced fat selection. Then I discovered that if I stick one in the freezer for 10-15 minutes before eating, it's even firmer and more legit tasting. That's okay with one stick a day when it's counted in with the rest of my points. Yesterday, for some reason, I ended up having 5 over about 2 hours after work. Yes, I tracked them. Yes, it was better than cookies, chips or other assorted foodstuffs in which I've been known to partake.
So - I'm not buying them anymore, and I'm not eating the ones left. I've informed hubby and son that they need to eat 'em up, or else they'll be brought to work where they will get scarfed in a big hurry.
So now, there are dried cranberries, most crackers (esp. saltines because I discovered how good they taste with butter), most cookies, and innocent little Colby cheese sticks. I believe I can live a long happy life without ever having one again. Moderation, intuition, mindfulness...as these all relate to eating, are great. But it's important to know my threshold items that will invariably send me to the dark side. Because I intuitive know that I can't eat just one.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thinking vs. Taking Action
I now have an additional reason for not posting for the last 2 days...yesterday my precious laptop was inadvertantly knocked over and thudded onto a carpeted floor. I had it leaning against a table leg and bumped it so it flopped over flat on the carpet. It seemed so inocuous at the time that I didn't even think to check it out immediately, but an hour later I went to turn it on and kept getting a message saying "A problem has been detected" with options to run a check, etc. After 3 tries, it dawned on me that it's "fall" was likely the culprit. DAMN! I hate when I discover a problem and slowly realize I was likely the cause. I have an email in to Dell but haven't heard back yet. Here is yet another indicator from the universe that I need to slow down and not be on autopilot as I move through my days. HARUMPH.
Okay - I have a confession to make...I've gotten sloppy about tracking points this week. So much of what I eat for breakfast and lunch are repeat meals where I've come to know the points and run the tally in my head, intending to write them on the tracker, but not getting around to it. If dinner is something that needs me to look up the points or pull out the calculator, I just sort of wing it in my head. This is NOT GOOD. I'm sure I've stayed within my daily allotment each day, and haven't borrowed from the extra 49 for the week, but how can I be sure if I don't write it all down.
Why do I resist this discipline so much?? Most discipline, as a matter of fact. For a couple of weeks it was fresh and new and gave me a feeling of power over my intake of food to write down my food, before I even ate it. Then it slowly became a pain in the rear to have to get out the tracker...I know oatmeal, I know my standard breakfast sandwich, the salads I fix for lunch, the roasted veggies, etc. I am vowing to get back to tracking and just pulled out a fresh (and unused one so far this week) and have written in points for the day.
There are a couple of sayings in AA that I think are fantastic, and apply here, IMHO.
1) "You can act your way into right thinking but you can't think your way into right acting."
2) "Bring the body around and the mind will follow." This one refers initially to when one begins AA for the first time and everything seems so foreign, confusing and overwhelming. But it really has relevance for embarking on any new endeavor.
Now obviously these don't mean that you shouldn't plan and create goals and strategies. But all that "thinking" can't achieve desired results or I'd have weighed 150 pounds within 6 months of beginning this weight loss journey. Alas, it's been 20 months, and while I started out great by actually DOING (taking action) what was required (losing ~30 pounds in the first 6 months and going from 222lbs to 192), I began floundering when I had 2 injuries that sidelined me from exercising for a time. And since March of 2010, when I had my 2nd knee arthroscopic surgery - I've struggled and just not been able to renew my previous level of commitment and ACTION.
So while I've been doing better about tracking, eating and exercising since I began WW in January, the little frustrations have already begun to negatively affect my ACTIONS - so far only with the tracking, but I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't take much for me to begin the slippery slope back into floundering. This doesn't have to happen, especially since I have the awareness of it at this juncture.
Even though I don't "want" to track, which is a thinking function, I can track anyway, which is ACTION. I don't have to like it to do it. I know that it's an important tool and will help me stay on plan, which will inevitably lead to desired results, which will make me feel good about myself, more content and peaceful - which are thinking functions.
Boy - writing that last paragraph drives home something I've read from a few other bloggers in the last few weeks...that I THINK TOO MUCH. If that helped me, it'd be okay. It doesn't help - it muddies my mind and my resolve. It pulls me away from my intentions, and then my willingness to continue taking the right actions wanes. And I slide back into overeating at best, bingeing at worst.
So I will do the next right thing, which in this instance is tracking. It's a simple discipline that will help remind me of what I want and what I'm striving for. I'm a fast forgetting, so I need all the reminders I can get. And now I'm off to eat my salad...after I track it :) !
Okay - I have a confession to make...I've gotten sloppy about tracking points this week. So much of what I eat for breakfast and lunch are repeat meals where I've come to know the points and run the tally in my head, intending to write them on the tracker, but not getting around to it. If dinner is something that needs me to look up the points or pull out the calculator, I just sort of wing it in my head. This is NOT GOOD. I'm sure I've stayed within my daily allotment each day, and haven't borrowed from the extra 49 for the week, but how can I be sure if I don't write it all down.
Why do I resist this discipline so much?? Most discipline, as a matter of fact. For a couple of weeks it was fresh and new and gave me a feeling of power over my intake of food to write down my food, before I even ate it. Then it slowly became a pain in the rear to have to get out the tracker...I know oatmeal, I know my standard breakfast sandwich, the salads I fix for lunch, the roasted veggies, etc. I am vowing to get back to tracking and just pulled out a fresh (and unused one so far this week) and have written in points for the day.
There are a couple of sayings in AA that I think are fantastic, and apply here, IMHO.
1) "You can act your way into right thinking but you can't think your way into right acting."
2) "Bring the body around and the mind will follow." This one refers initially to when one begins AA for the first time and everything seems so foreign, confusing and overwhelming. But it really has relevance for embarking on any new endeavor.
Now obviously these don't mean that you shouldn't plan and create goals and strategies. But all that "thinking" can't achieve desired results or I'd have weighed 150 pounds within 6 months of beginning this weight loss journey. Alas, it's been 20 months, and while I started out great by actually DOING (taking action) what was required (losing ~30 pounds in the first 6 months and going from 222lbs to 192), I began floundering when I had 2 injuries that sidelined me from exercising for a time. And since March of 2010, when I had my 2nd knee arthroscopic surgery - I've struggled and just not been able to renew my previous level of commitment and ACTION.
So while I've been doing better about tracking, eating and exercising since I began WW in January, the little frustrations have already begun to negatively affect my ACTIONS - so far only with the tracking, but I know myself well enough to know that it doesn't take much for me to begin the slippery slope back into floundering. This doesn't have to happen, especially since I have the awareness of it at this juncture.
Even though I don't "want" to track, which is a thinking function, I can track anyway, which is ACTION. I don't have to like it to do it. I know that it's an important tool and will help me stay on plan, which will inevitably lead to desired results, which will make me feel good about myself, more content and peaceful - which are thinking functions.
Boy - writing that last paragraph drives home something I've read from a few other bloggers in the last few weeks...that I THINK TOO MUCH. If that helped me, it'd be okay. It doesn't help - it muddies my mind and my resolve. It pulls me away from my intentions, and then my willingness to continue taking the right actions wanes. And I slide back into overeating at best, bingeing at worst.
So I will do the next right thing, which in this instance is tracking. It's a simple discipline that will help remind me of what I want and what I'm striving for. I'm a fast forgetting, so I need all the reminders I can get. And now I'm off to eat my salad...after I track it :) !
Sunday, February 13, 2011
If not now, when?
I can't believe I haven't posted since Wednesday! I've read blogs and commented, but my job is getting continually busier, and I'm just not having the time to sit and write that I used to have there. Actually it's good, because being busy makes the day fly by, but I have to figure out home time where I can sit and ponder and write.
First - I weighed in this morning and lost another 2 pounds! I'm very pleased with that, esp. since there were 3 days when I borrowed heavily from my 49 points weekly allotment over the base daily points. Weight Watchers says that even if you use all 49 extra points in a week and stay on plan otherwise, you'll still lose, but I've been skeptical. I have such a black and white mindset when it comes to food. The 49 extra points are great, but they can make me feel like I'm cheating, which sets my obsessive mind into motion and if left unchecked (the mind, that is) can ultimately send me down the garden path to overeating.
I see that working this over the long haul, which is a lot longer than I've been doing it thus far, can definitely simulate a moderate eating intake that allows for occasional extras and "off plan" items - like cookies, or a bagel. Because truly, nothing is off plan as long as you tally in the points faithfully. I think it will take a long time for me to relax into a rhythm of reasonable eating with occasional splurges that don't start my eating disordered thoughts churning.
Here is a confession that will likely seem really nuts to some of you, and is the reason I will never again do a rigid 12 step food program...I don't want to live a life where I can't have an occasional off day where I enjoy more food and some of the wrong things than I do most of the time. I really believe that if I do well 80 % of the time (or more of course), I will be successful in the big picture.
Actually maybe I believe that in general about all of us - but maybe I'll find that my unique brand of eating disorder will never allow indulgences without triggering my own dreaded binge behavior. Overeatears Anonymous tells me that if I'm a true food addict, eventually I WILL return to compulsive and binge eating. I don't want that to be true. I want to make peace with food. I accept that certain foods are likely to trigger the inner binge-er and I get that I probably can't safely eat those things.
All this reflection is making me think of intuitive and mindful eating that I read about so much in the blogs. Truly I'm not sure I will ever achieve either of those states. I certainly hope so, but I'd say I have a very long way to go to get the weight off and maintain the loss for awhile before I can even comprehend the possibility of that. Peace with food sounds so appealing. And so elusive for now.
I am definitely seeing improvement in my eating, my attitude toward the scale and my baseline of optimism about sticking and staying on this journey. I'm tired of backslides and being the poster child for "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU". I'm weary of losing the same pounds over and over. I'm no spring chicken and in my desire to become even less of one (translate: live another 30 years or so) it seems to be my time. If not now, when? I'm more hopeful and calmer about this matter of weight and food than I've ever been. Please may that translate into lasting results and the deep psychic change required to sustain the results. I'm grateful for the relative peace I feel today. If not with food, then with myself.
First - I weighed in this morning and lost another 2 pounds! I'm very pleased with that, esp. since there were 3 days when I borrowed heavily from my 49 points weekly allotment over the base daily points. Weight Watchers says that even if you use all 49 extra points in a week and stay on plan otherwise, you'll still lose, but I've been skeptical. I have such a black and white mindset when it comes to food. The 49 extra points are great, but they can make me feel like I'm cheating, which sets my obsessive mind into motion and if left unchecked (the mind, that is) can ultimately send me down the garden path to overeating.
I see that working this over the long haul, which is a lot longer than I've been doing it thus far, can definitely simulate a moderate eating intake that allows for occasional extras and "off plan" items - like cookies, or a bagel. Because truly, nothing is off plan as long as you tally in the points faithfully. I think it will take a long time for me to relax into a rhythm of reasonable eating with occasional splurges that don't start my eating disordered thoughts churning.
Here is a confession that will likely seem really nuts to some of you, and is the reason I will never again do a rigid 12 step food program...I don't want to live a life where I can't have an occasional off day where I enjoy more food and some of the wrong things than I do most of the time. I really believe that if I do well 80 % of the time (or more of course), I will be successful in the big picture.
Actually maybe I believe that in general about all of us - but maybe I'll find that my unique brand of eating disorder will never allow indulgences without triggering my own dreaded binge behavior. Overeatears Anonymous tells me that if I'm a true food addict, eventually I WILL return to compulsive and binge eating. I don't want that to be true. I want to make peace with food. I accept that certain foods are likely to trigger the inner binge-er and I get that I probably can't safely eat those things.
All this reflection is making me think of intuitive and mindful eating that I read about so much in the blogs. Truly I'm not sure I will ever achieve either of those states. I certainly hope so, but I'd say I have a very long way to go to get the weight off and maintain the loss for awhile before I can even comprehend the possibility of that. Peace with food sounds so appealing. And so elusive for now.
I am definitely seeing improvement in my eating, my attitude toward the scale and my baseline of optimism about sticking and staying on this journey. I'm tired of backslides and being the poster child for "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU". I'm weary of losing the same pounds over and over. I'm no spring chicken and in my desire to become even less of one (translate: live another 30 years or so) it seems to be my time. If not now, when? I'm more hopeful and calmer about this matter of weight and food than I've ever been. Please may that translate into lasting results and the deep psychic change required to sustain the results. I'm grateful for the relative peace I feel today. If not with food, then with myself.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
And the beat goes on..
Good morning, good blog friends! Thanks to all for being glad I didn't manage to off myself with my "skating" injury on Sunday. I truly feel blessed, esp. since recounting my story to several friends and hearing of 2 individuals who lost parents that way (one in the comments yesterday). I know I was lucky. Also, thanks for reading through that very long post...I needed to write about it, and we all know that I'm never at a loss for words!
Also I just want to clarify that I went to WW to weigh in AFTER I was cleared at the ER, not on the way! One person commented that the head injury would have been a valid excuse not to weigh. When I was discharged from the ER, I had no restrictions on activity so the quick weigh in did not seem unwise. From WW's scale I headed home to the couch and stayed there for the duration.
Because of yesterday's lengthy tome, I will keep this brief, but I wanted to note a couple of food/eating related items. First is that on Sunday when I got home from the ER and WW "outing", I had absolutely no appetite at all, even though I hadn't eaten anything prior to leaving the house that morning. I knew I should have something but I couldn't bear the thought of food at all. No nausea or stomach upset, but I guess the trauma of the morning turned off my forever ON appetite.
Very interesting - I've heard people say that they tend to overeat when sad; or happy; or stressed; or worried. Similarly have I heard people say the opposite...that they can't eat when any of the above. And I've always thought to myself, "Well, I desire to eat no matter what. And with any of those above emotional states, I tend to eat MORE...feeling entitled to "unwind"; or "let go"; or "comfort myself". Honestly, while I was at the ER, I had thoughts of "if I turn out to be fine, I'm having a cheat day", even though I wasn't wanting to eat at that moment. I wish that my utter disdainful feeling for eating that day signals a new trend in my eating disordered pattern. By around 3 p.m. I finally had a whole wheat English muffin with PB2 and a measured amount of strawverry preserves. It tasted good, and it was enough. Around 7 p.m. we had tacos and refried beans that my son prepared, and I just had a good size taco salad with all the trimmings but no shell. And that was it. I gave myself permission to have something else - fruit or a Chobani - because I knew I had many points left for the day. I just didn't want anything. Not only was this phenomenon very interesting...it was very strange. And as you might imagine...temporary. Monday morning found me back to my usual appetite and having to make myself measure and weigh my portions for lunch!
I got another nice walk yesterday - about 2 miles, and feel the residual body aches from the fall subsiding. I'm feeling comfortable with the Points+ plan, and overall doing well with it. I'm hoping to start taking more food pics when I fix WWP+ recipes. I haven't fixed a bad one yet!
**Do you notice a trend in your eating related to stress or emotional ups and downs?**
Also I just want to clarify that I went to WW to weigh in AFTER I was cleared at the ER, not on the way! One person commented that the head injury would have been a valid excuse not to weigh. When I was discharged from the ER, I had no restrictions on activity so the quick weigh in did not seem unwise. From WW's scale I headed home to the couch and stayed there for the duration.
Because of yesterday's lengthy tome, I will keep this brief, but I wanted to note a couple of food/eating related items. First is that on Sunday when I got home from the ER and WW "outing", I had absolutely no appetite at all, even though I hadn't eaten anything prior to leaving the house that morning. I knew I should have something but I couldn't bear the thought of food at all. No nausea or stomach upset, but I guess the trauma of the morning turned off my forever ON appetite.
Very interesting - I've heard people say that they tend to overeat when sad; or happy; or stressed; or worried. Similarly have I heard people say the opposite...that they can't eat when any of the above. And I've always thought to myself, "Well, I desire to eat no matter what. And with any of those above emotional states, I tend to eat MORE...feeling entitled to "unwind"; or "let go"; or "comfort myself". Honestly, while I was at the ER, I had thoughts of "if I turn out to be fine, I'm having a cheat day", even though I wasn't wanting to eat at that moment. I wish that my utter disdainful feeling for eating that day signals a new trend in my eating disordered pattern. By around 3 p.m. I finally had a whole wheat English muffin with PB2 and a measured amount of strawverry preserves. It tasted good, and it was enough. Around 7 p.m. we had tacos and refried beans that my son prepared, and I just had a good size taco salad with all the trimmings but no shell. And that was it. I gave myself permission to have something else - fruit or a Chobani - because I knew I had many points left for the day. I just didn't want anything. Not only was this phenomenon very interesting...it was very strange. And as you might imagine...temporary. Monday morning found me back to my usual appetite and having to make myself measure and weigh my portions for lunch!
I got another nice walk yesterday - about 2 miles, and feel the residual body aches from the fall subsiding. I'm feeling comfortable with the Points+ plan, and overall doing well with it. I'm hoping to start taking more food pics when I fix WWP+ recipes. I haven't fixed a bad one yet!
**Do you notice a trend in your eating related to stress or emotional ups and downs?**
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Rude Awakening
One thing that annoys me is when my job gets in the way of my blogging! I mean really, how dare I not have a chance to write my own post, much less read and comment on others?! Obviously I'm kidding, but yesterday I never had a minute to do my usual goofing off during quiet times, and after work I did a 3 mile walk and then had to get dinner going. After I post I'm going to catch up on reading YOUR stuff. The few blogs I got to comment on yesterday were in the early morning.
Now that I said all that, I realize I really don't have that much to say.
Actually, I do. I didn't write about this Sunday because I was still dazed and stunned by an experience I had early that morning that was totally preventable had I been paying attention to what I was doing. I wrote about my weight and food prep and created a nice facade of normalcy, but I was feeling anything but normal when I wrote that post late Sunday morning.
I'm not sure why I wasn't going to post about the experience...maybe because I'm a bit ashamed of how scatterbrained and "unpresent in the moment" I was in a way that resulted in an accident that could have been much more serious than it turned out to be. Also, my daughter reads this and I didn't want her to see it until I told her about it. Turns out the event wasn't a big deal, but it shook me to my core and hopefully jolted me solidly into living and being HERE. NOW. At all times.
I was up early Sunday morning so I could go to a produce place that opens at 6:30 a.m. I do this often - get in and get out fast with my goods before they get crowded - which they do. Then I go to my 7 a.m. daily AA meeting, which is what I did that morning. This meeting is held at a local borough hall that also happens to house the police station. All winter, their parking lot has been ridiculously icy, snow covered and very poorly plowed, so we've all gotten used to dodging certain icy spots that seem to refreeze every night.
That morning I arrived a few minutes late and wanted to get upstairs to the meeting fast. So I got out of my car, noticed a couple of people walking up who I didn't want to get talking to before the meeting because I knew we'd be even later getting in. So I took off in my usual hyper pace - completely failing to THINK or LOOK at the pavement as I bolted across. I suddenly hit ice - going fast, and slipped up and hit the ground HARD. I landed on my sit bones (butt), elbows, and my the back of my head literally bounced on the pavement. HARD and Loud. There were police in the parking lot changing shift, and they came running over..."Oh NOing" and noting they heard my head hit the ground. I know I yelled out because of the shock of my head hitting so hard - and it happened in an instant. Everytime I think of it I still cringe.
They gathered round - and I was totally dazed but didn't lose consciousness. However, almost immediately I got a huge swelling/hematoma forming at the site (which I knew was a "good thing"), that a friend this morning said was the size of half an orange. The lump on the back of my head was visible under my hair, to give you an idea of how big it was. Never in my life has anything like that happened to me - it's one thing to fall and twist an ankle, even break an arm or something - but to have this hard head injury scared the living crap out of me.
The police immediately were getting my info, and escorted me inside to sit, which I couldn't do because I was so antsy and freaked out, and very shaky and probably shocky. 3 good friends stayed along with the cops, and then another policeman came in and said he'd call paramedics. UGH! I was starting to think I was probably okay because I could tell I was neuologically intact, but still scared that maybe I'd develop a problem that wasn't yet evident.
Anyway, the paramedics arrived in 8 minutes or so and were basically no help - they shined a flashlight in my eyes and then said, "Well, it's your choice if you want to go to an ER and get checked out." My choice? I suggested that they were the experts and they said they couldn't guarantee I was or wasn't okay. Gee, thanks. Long story less long is that my friends were insisting I go and get checked at an ER, and I knew it was necessary, so a friend took me over and I called the husband and let him know what was up. I told him I thought I was okay, and since he had 2 commitments at church, he sent our 24 y/o son Stephen to sit with me at the ER. Stephen was just a wonderful support and helped me to further settle down.
I got seen fast at the ER (Sunday morning at 7:15 is a usually a quiet time in an ER if you decide to have your own incident), and the doc said he thought I was okay and probably didn't need a CAT Scan, but because I take Advil most mornings which can have blood thinning properties, he ordered it, which I'm glad he did. It turned out totally normal except for the huge hematoma on the back of my head - but OUTSIDE the skull, which is okay. By then the head would was really stinging, and I was starting to get a killer headache, but knowing all was okay I decided to not even take Tylenol. We left the ER by 9:30 and Steve took me to get my car and then followed me so I could weigh in at WW before I came home to plotz on the couch for the rest of the day.
As the day wore on, I started getting soreness in my neck, sit bones, elbows and even my ribs. Yesterday morning when I woke up from a crappy night of sleep, I was really achy and did take some Advil finally. But overall, I felt okay, and my killer headache was gone and hasn't yet returned. So against friends' and family's advice, I came to work and had a busy day that kept me from thinking about myself, which I would have done had I stayed home.
It may sound like I'm being a drama queen, but this experience really jolted me into awareness of how automatically I operate through the various activities of my days. I'm often in autopilot as I do routine stuff, thinking about anything but what I'm doing in the moment. I race around like a whirling dervish - actually like I'm still a 30-something mom multi-tasking my way through life. After I told my close friend and neighbor this story she commented, "The young person we still feel like inside doesn't match the bodies we have on the outside when we're getting up in the 50s and beyond!" No joke.
I did a lot of reflecting and meditating on the couch Sunday afternoon, and I almost feel like God was saying to me that I'd had 2 minor slips on ice this winter where I just ended up on my knee or my side, and still I wasn't getting that I needed to slow down and think before I set off into action. So I got literally hit over the head to drive home the point. While my outcome was good, it could have been serious. People have died from slipping on ice and hitting their heads - I'm pretty sure that's how Dr. Atkins (of the diet) passed away.
I can say that I have been scared and shaken into slowing down. Yesterday and today, I've been trying to stay aware of what I'm doing and paying attention to where I am. It's not going to be easy. This morning as I drove home after my morning meeting, I actually started to unfasten my seat belt before I turned on to my street... I was back in my usual "facilitate the next thing" mode by taking off the seat belt long before I even got to my driveway. TILT. At least I caught it, and after the initial "how stupid ARE you Leslie?" rhetoric percolated into my consciousness, I stopped and said to self, "Don't judge. Just notice and correct where possible."
So that's what's been going on with Leslie. Still lots of lessons for this recovering careless self centered alcoholic to learn about how to live a day at a time and practice genuine self care. Life is lived in the now, which is a place I am often just passing through on my way to whatever the next thing is. I am grateful that I didn't incur a more serious injury, and grateful for this wake up call from the universe to slow down and enjoy the ride. Now the challenge will be to keep the learned lesson in my awareness when the intensity of the scary incident starts to subside. Remind me of it when you hear my motor running to fast.
***p.s. My head wound is still very tender to touch, but my headache from Sunday and early yesterday is gone. You can still feel some mushy stuff back there, which is the hematoma that hasn't yet reabsorbed. But the biggest swelling has subsided, and since I know the mushy stuff isn't my brain, I'm okay with it! My elbows, the sides of my neck and ribs and my rear end are still a bit sore, but much better. I think taking the walk yesterday afternoon probably helped the healing.***
Now that I said all that, I realize I really don't have that much to say.
Actually, I do. I didn't write about this Sunday because I was still dazed and stunned by an experience I had early that morning that was totally preventable had I been paying attention to what I was doing. I wrote about my weight and food prep and created a nice facade of normalcy, but I was feeling anything but normal when I wrote that post late Sunday morning.
I'm not sure why I wasn't going to post about the experience...maybe because I'm a bit ashamed of how scatterbrained and "unpresent in the moment" I was in a way that resulted in an accident that could have been much more serious than it turned out to be. Also, my daughter reads this and I didn't want her to see it until I told her about it. Turns out the event wasn't a big deal, but it shook me to my core and hopefully jolted me solidly into living and being HERE. NOW. At all times.
I was up early Sunday morning so I could go to a produce place that opens at 6:30 a.m. I do this often - get in and get out fast with my goods before they get crowded - which they do. Then I go to my 7 a.m. daily AA meeting, which is what I did that morning. This meeting is held at a local borough hall that also happens to house the police station. All winter, their parking lot has been ridiculously icy, snow covered and very poorly plowed, so we've all gotten used to dodging certain icy spots that seem to refreeze every night.
That morning I arrived a few minutes late and wanted to get upstairs to the meeting fast. So I got out of my car, noticed a couple of people walking up who I didn't want to get talking to before the meeting because I knew we'd be even later getting in. So I took off in my usual hyper pace - completely failing to THINK or LOOK at the pavement as I bolted across. I suddenly hit ice - going fast, and slipped up and hit the ground HARD. I landed on my sit bones (butt), elbows, and my the back of my head literally bounced on the pavement. HARD and Loud. There were police in the parking lot changing shift, and they came running over..."Oh NOing" and noting they heard my head hit the ground. I know I yelled out because of the shock of my head hitting so hard - and it happened in an instant. Everytime I think of it I still cringe.
They gathered round - and I was totally dazed but didn't lose consciousness. However, almost immediately I got a huge swelling/hematoma forming at the site (which I knew was a "good thing"), that a friend this morning said was the size of half an orange. The lump on the back of my head was visible under my hair, to give you an idea of how big it was. Never in my life has anything like that happened to me - it's one thing to fall and twist an ankle, even break an arm or something - but to have this hard head injury scared the living crap out of me.
The police immediately were getting my info, and escorted me inside to sit, which I couldn't do because I was so antsy and freaked out, and very shaky and probably shocky. 3 good friends stayed along with the cops, and then another policeman came in and said he'd call paramedics. UGH! I was starting to think I was probably okay because I could tell I was neuologically intact, but still scared that maybe I'd develop a problem that wasn't yet evident.
Anyway, the paramedics arrived in 8 minutes or so and were basically no help - they shined a flashlight in my eyes and then said, "Well, it's your choice if you want to go to an ER and get checked out." My choice? I suggested that they were the experts and they said they couldn't guarantee I was or wasn't okay. Gee, thanks. Long story less long is that my friends were insisting I go and get checked at an ER, and I knew it was necessary, so a friend took me over and I called the husband and let him know what was up. I told him I thought I was okay, and since he had 2 commitments at church, he sent our 24 y/o son Stephen to sit with me at the ER. Stephen was just a wonderful support and helped me to further settle down.
I got seen fast at the ER (Sunday morning at 7:15 is a usually a quiet time in an ER if you decide to have your own incident), and the doc said he thought I was okay and probably didn't need a CAT Scan, but because I take Advil most mornings which can have blood thinning properties, he ordered it, which I'm glad he did. It turned out totally normal except for the huge hematoma on the back of my head - but OUTSIDE the skull, which is okay. By then the head would was really stinging, and I was starting to get a killer headache, but knowing all was okay I decided to not even take Tylenol. We left the ER by 9:30 and Steve took me to get my car and then followed me so I could weigh in at WW before I came home to plotz on the couch for the rest of the day.
As the day wore on, I started getting soreness in my neck, sit bones, elbows and even my ribs. Yesterday morning when I woke up from a crappy night of sleep, I was really achy and did take some Advil finally. But overall, I felt okay, and my killer headache was gone and hasn't yet returned. So against friends' and family's advice, I came to work and had a busy day that kept me from thinking about myself, which I would have done had I stayed home.
It may sound like I'm being a drama queen, but this experience really jolted me into awareness of how automatically I operate through the various activities of my days. I'm often in autopilot as I do routine stuff, thinking about anything but what I'm doing in the moment. I race around like a whirling dervish - actually like I'm still a 30-something mom multi-tasking my way through life. After I told my close friend and neighbor this story she commented, "The young person we still feel like inside doesn't match the bodies we have on the outside when we're getting up in the 50s and beyond!" No joke.
I did a lot of reflecting and meditating on the couch Sunday afternoon, and I almost feel like God was saying to me that I'd had 2 minor slips on ice this winter where I just ended up on my knee or my side, and still I wasn't getting that I needed to slow down and think before I set off into action. So I got literally hit over the head to drive home the point. While my outcome was good, it could have been serious. People have died from slipping on ice and hitting their heads - I'm pretty sure that's how Dr. Atkins (of the diet) passed away.
I can say that I have been scared and shaken into slowing down. Yesterday and today, I've been trying to stay aware of what I'm doing and paying attention to where I am. It's not going to be easy. This morning as I drove home after my morning meeting, I actually started to unfasten my seat belt before I turned on to my street... I was back in my usual "facilitate the next thing" mode by taking off the seat belt long before I even got to my driveway. TILT. At least I caught it, and after the initial "how stupid ARE you Leslie?" rhetoric percolated into my consciousness, I stopped and said to self, "Don't judge. Just notice and correct where possible."
So that's what's been going on with Leslie. Still lots of lessons for this recovering careless self centered alcoholic to learn about how to live a day at a time and practice genuine self care. Life is lived in the now, which is a place I am often just passing through on my way to whatever the next thing is. I am grateful that I didn't incur a more serious injury, and grateful for this wake up call from the universe to slow down and enjoy the ride. Now the challenge will be to keep the learned lesson in my awareness when the intensity of the scary incident starts to subside. Remind me of it when you hear my motor running to fast.
***p.s. My head wound is still very tender to touch, but my headache from Sunday and early yesterday is gone. You can still feel some mushy stuff back there, which is the hematoma that hasn't yet reabsorbed. But the biggest swelling has subsided, and since I know the mushy stuff isn't my brain, I'm okay with it! My elbows, the sides of my neck and ribs and my rear end are still a bit sore, but much better. I think taking the walk yesterday afternoon probably helped the healing.***
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Weigh in and Sunday thoughts
I lost 2 pounds this week, which puts me almost back at my lowest since joining WW, minus .2 pounds. I'm happy with that. But this week ahead, just like I vowed last week, is hopefully going to be a no restaurant or other special meal week. I know that if I just stick to my plan with no cheat days, using only my daily plus weekly allotment of points, I can have another slightly more substantial gain. My neighbor who is doing this with me is getting really into it now, which is great. So - a successful week, but I think I can do better.
Not much else to report. It's been a nice weekend. It's funny that at most of the places I've shopped this weekend, the check out people have asked "Are you ready for Sunday night?" After the first round of that I knew they were referring to the Super Bowl. Once our beloved Eagles were out of the mix, I lost total interest in the whole thing. I'll be either reading, watching mindless HGTV, or sleeping.
I'm doing my usual Sunday food prep for the week. Just roasted a pan of brussel sprouts, butternut squash and onion tossed with garlic, a Tbs. of olive oil and S&P. I hard boiled a dozen eggs, and will also wash and spin a bunch of lettuce and cut up some other salad type vegetables for fast thrown together salads during the week.
Oh - and one more thing...obviously I've changed my template to get rid of the "blues". Please let me know if there is any more drama with my blog from the reader end...I had no idea that I was coming up blue so much, even when what I saw was normal! And thanks to all who had good suggestions and offered help about my possible move to Wordpress.
That's it from me for today. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope if you have a Superbowl preference, your team wins!
Not much else to report. It's been a nice weekend. It's funny that at most of the places I've shopped this weekend, the check out people have asked "Are you ready for Sunday night?" After the first round of that I knew they were referring to the Super Bowl. Once our beloved Eagles were out of the mix, I lost total interest in the whole thing. I'll be either reading, watching mindless HGTV, or sleeping.
I'm doing my usual Sunday food prep for the week. Just roasted a pan of brussel sprouts, butternut squash and onion tossed with garlic, a Tbs. of olive oil and S&P. I hard boiled a dozen eggs, and will also wash and spin a bunch of lettuce and cut up some other salad type vegetables for fast thrown together salads during the week.
Oh - and one more thing...obviously I've changed my template to get rid of the "blues". Please let me know if there is any more drama with my blog from the reader end...I had no idea that I was coming up blue so much, even when what I saw was normal! And thanks to all who had good suggestions and offered help about my possible move to Wordpress.
That's it from me for today. Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and I hope if you have a Superbowl preference, your team wins!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Blogger Blooper?
2 people in the comments from yesterday noted that my background was blue - which it definitely isn't, but I had the SAME problem! I don't know what happened, but for a few hours I couldn't read anything on my own blog. It had to be a Blogger issue, but I am to tech-norant (tech ignorant) to know what it was or even how to communicate with Blogger about it. I'm so sorry for the people who could read the post because it could have changed your lives!!! Hahahaha...so untrue, but the situation is very annoying for me. I seem to have more issues with Blogger than the a-ver-age bear, and it may be my ignorance, but it also may be Blogger's blooper, to say it in a very unwarranted kind way.
Lately there are a lot of blogs with the word verification that when I go to comment there is no word to verify so you have to go through the annoying process of sending it with no word verification, receive blogger's angry message that what you typed was wrong even though you typed nothing because THEY DIDN'T HAVE A WORD TO VERIFY - etc... Sorry for the mini rant but this plays with my head big time. It's actually beginning to make me want to switch to Wordpress, but I don't know if I can keep the whole blog and archives if I do that. Any technomarvels out there? Plus it even irritates me to have to type so many words about THEIR problem.
Okay - glad I got that off my chest! And I want to be able to put a smiley face in that isn't a collection of cleverly arranged punctuation - how do I do THAT? Maybe I need a professional to sit and guide me through the process. I'm a very quick study, even with computer matters, but this stuff is definitely not intuitive for me!
Just slid back into mini rant - but I think I'm done and can move on. Let it go, Leslie!! But when the amazing Miz (Carla) can't read my post, know that I'm going in with bloxing gloves.
**************************************************
Both my special meals yesterday were GREAT. And with both, I have no real idea how to quantify the points - with some stuff I could, but I've decided to rack them up as TILT (think pinball machines that go into hypermode at times, and yes, I'm dating myself). I know I'm well beyond by 29 daily plus 49 for the week, but I also know that my eating has still been mostly on track most days. I've done well 4 out of the 6 so far this week, and after today where I WILL stay on plan, it will be 5 out of 7. That is such an improvement for me from what I was doing in December and beyond that I refuse to feel bad or engage in any self pummeling about it.
One thing I think I will do is something that Vickie and Baby Steps V sugeested which is to weigh Sunday morning at WW rather than Saturday. That way I have an extra day to work off the sodium and assorted other items that may obscure my weight tomorrow morning. Maybe that's a little gamey, but I have to play the cards I'm dealt, and if I show a gain tomorrow, or even a maintain after the good overall week I had, my eating disordered head will take the info and run with it! Crazy yes - but better to know thyself than not!
Of course I'll post my weight on Sunday.
The other thing that I've noticed this week is that the lovely scale in my bathroom is not tempting me at all these days. Again, it's knowing what my mind can do with the info that makes me not only NOT interested in weighing, but almost terrified to jump on my own prognosticator of doom or joy. I think for now that's a good thing. I also know that once I'm back in Onederland, that will likely change back to my usual magnetic attraction to the Scale God.
That's it for me...bring on 2:30 when my weekend begins!
Lately there are a lot of blogs with the word verification that when I go to comment there is no word to verify so you have to go through the annoying process of sending it with no word verification, receive blogger's angry message that what you typed was wrong even though you typed nothing because THEY DIDN'T HAVE A WORD TO VERIFY - etc... Sorry for the mini rant but this plays with my head big time. It's actually beginning to make me want to switch to Wordpress, but I don't know if I can keep the whole blog and archives if I do that. Any technomarvels out there? Plus it even irritates me to have to type so many words about THEIR problem.
Okay - glad I got that off my chest! And I want to be able to put a smiley face in that isn't a collection of cleverly arranged punctuation - how do I do THAT? Maybe I need a professional to sit and guide me through the process. I'm a very quick study, even with computer matters, but this stuff is definitely not intuitive for me!
Just slid back into mini rant - but I think I'm done and can move on. Let it go, Leslie!! But when the amazing Miz (Carla) can't read my post, know that I'm going in with bloxing gloves.
**************************************************
Both my special meals yesterday were GREAT. And with both, I have no real idea how to quantify the points - with some stuff I could, but I've decided to rack them up as TILT (think pinball machines that go into hypermode at times, and yes, I'm dating myself). I know I'm well beyond by 29 daily plus 49 for the week, but I also know that my eating has still been mostly on track most days. I've done well 4 out of the 6 so far this week, and after today where I WILL stay on plan, it will be 5 out of 7. That is such an improvement for me from what I was doing in December and beyond that I refuse to feel bad or engage in any self pummeling about it.
One thing I think I will do is something that Vickie and Baby Steps V sugeested which is to weigh Sunday morning at WW rather than Saturday. That way I have an extra day to work off the sodium and assorted other items that may obscure my weight tomorrow morning. Maybe that's a little gamey, but I have to play the cards I'm dealt, and if I show a gain tomorrow, or even a maintain after the good overall week I had, my eating disordered head will take the info and run with it! Crazy yes - but better to know thyself than not!
Of course I'll post my weight on Sunday.
The other thing that I've noticed this week is that the lovely scale in my bathroom is not tempting me at all these days. Again, it's knowing what my mind can do with the info that makes me not only NOT interested in weighing, but almost terrified to jump on my own prognosticator of doom or joy. I think for now that's a good thing. I also know that once I'm back in Onederland, that will likely change back to my usual magnetic attraction to the Scale God.
That's it for me...bring on 2:30 when my weekend begins!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
WWWhat's Up?
I've been having a good week with WW eating. I really love the program and it's flexibility. Today is going to be a challenge though.
The Physical Therapists at my work do a lunch for a bunch of us once a year, and because it's been cancelled for weather issues twice already, it's happening today. I'd forgotten about it and brought my yummy and healthy and points tabulated lunch as usual, and while I was putting it away, one of the PTs came over and reminded me. At first I thought I'd just eat my own lunch, but decided that's not how I want to live my life. This eating plan has to be sustainable if it's going to work, so I'm planning to make wise choices (no idea what's on the menu), and hopefully not get wooed by some yummy looking dessert item (which they always have!).
Then tonight I'm having dinner out with a friend at a new restaurant closeby that's supposed to be fantastic. Lots of artisan pizza, but also great salads and who knows what else. Again, I'm going to make wise choices but not totally deprive myself or I'll end up having one of the backfire episodes where I eat all that isn't nailed down within a 10 mile radius later on. I do have the extra weekly points allowance over the daily amount, but recall I used up 16 of the 49 points on 2 lousy Panera cookies on Sunday. Actually they weren't lousy, they were heavenly and didn't set be into a binge, so totally worth the points. Anyhoo - my weekly allowance has already been tapped into so the sky is definitely NOT the limit tonight!
The good news is that my weigh in day is Saturday morning, so I have Friday to completely toe the line, drink gobs of water, and hopefully rectify any increased poundage that may ensue today's less than predictable food. Also, I'm striving to keep my points on the low side (had 5 for breakfast) other than the two "special" meals. But I also have to confess that I'm excited - yes, excited, about the special meals. I just care about and love food too damn much. But since that's my reality, I have to accept it and learn to work with it if I'm going to find successful and sustainable weight loss and the elusive PEACE WITH FOOD.
In my next post I'm going to do an award that I got from a favorite blogger last week. I've been meaning to do it and keep forgetting - I'm putting it out here so I don't forget. Have a good Friday eve, folks!
The good news about this challenging day is that I don't weigh in until Saturday morning
The Physical Therapists at my work do a lunch for a bunch of us once a year, and because it's been cancelled for weather issues twice already, it's happening today. I'd forgotten about it and brought my yummy and healthy and points tabulated lunch as usual, and while I was putting it away, one of the PTs came over and reminded me. At first I thought I'd just eat my own lunch, but decided that's not how I want to live my life. This eating plan has to be sustainable if it's going to work, so I'm planning to make wise choices (no idea what's on the menu), and hopefully not get wooed by some yummy looking dessert item (which they always have!).
Then tonight I'm having dinner out with a friend at a new restaurant closeby that's supposed to be fantastic. Lots of artisan pizza, but also great salads and who knows what else. Again, I'm going to make wise choices but not totally deprive myself or I'll end up having one of the backfire episodes where I eat all that isn't nailed down within a 10 mile radius later on. I do have the extra weekly points allowance over the daily amount, but recall I used up 16 of the 49 points on 2 lousy Panera cookies on Sunday. Actually they weren't lousy, they were heavenly and didn't set be into a binge, so totally worth the points. Anyhoo - my weekly allowance has already been tapped into so the sky is definitely NOT the limit tonight!
The good news is that my weigh in day is Saturday morning, so I have Friday to completely toe the line, drink gobs of water, and hopefully rectify any increased poundage that may ensue today's less than predictable food. Also, I'm striving to keep my points on the low side (had 5 for breakfast) other than the two "special" meals. But I also have to confess that I'm excited - yes, excited, about the special meals. I just care about and love food too damn much. But since that's my reality, I have to accept it and learn to work with it if I'm going to find successful and sustainable weight loss and the elusive PEACE WITH FOOD.
In my next post I'm going to do an award that I got from a favorite blogger last week. I've been meaning to do it and keep forgetting - I'm putting it out here so I don't forget. Have a good Friday eve, folks!
The good news about this challenging day is that I don't weigh in until Saturday morning
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