Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The path diverges

I need to write and do something I've probably needed to do for awhile, but have been valiantly trying to ignore and steamroll through.  This is a classic somewhat self-not-respecting behavior pattern of not trusting my gut and listening to my inner voice.  This morning as I fired up my work computer, I knew I could no longer deny that I need a blog vacation.  I'm just not feeling the blogging for the last couple of months, which is a huge surprise to me.  I'm still feeling the reading of others' blogs, but I can tell the quality of my writing (which is a direct result of the content of my thoughts and feelings) is not what it has been in the past.  Maybe I'm feeling a bit stale in the thought and word generation arena, and it's not satisfying to fake it.

I'm thinking this is a temporary state, but for today I know I can't continue to write stuff that I have to think up.  My best writing has always flowed through my fingertips, appearing on the "page" before I actually am sure what's going to come out.  The germ of an idea, or more often - internal angst, has always been my best and truest muse.  That's how I've always know I'm a "real" writer - that the written word as it flows through my consciousness is my most effective medium for self expression.  That's not to say I'm talented or gifted or any other laudable artiste.  Rather, writing really allows the best me to emerge.  When I have to "come up with" fodder about which to blog and start dreading trying to crank out something clever or wise or whatever ego driven bullshit I call it, I know it's time to step away for a bit.

I'll still be reading and commenting, esp. on my top 10 (or 50) favorites.  I feel genuine friendships have formed for me with several of you, and to not stay current on what's going on in your worlds isn't even an option.  But I am continually feeling called to invest my time in more personal reflection and establishing a more consistent practice of meditation and spiritual development.  Maybe after a week, I'll be all evolved and self actualized and back here ragging on about every little thing that my spirit sends our through these fingers.  But for now, the spirit is saying to honor my gut and take a step back for a bit.

I've pondered this for a couple of months - longer, really; but sister ego has said "you'll lose followers...", "you'll be forgotten in a flash", on and on with messages that actually reveal core low self-esteem that I desire to let go of.  And guess what?  I've already lost a few.  And what does that mean, really - in the big picture?When this blog is more ego feeding proposition than honest outpouring of my inner landscalpe, my writing becomes ho hum and forced.  Lifeless.  And please, PUH-LEESE know I'm not asking for any compliments and commentary about the life or quality of my writing.  I'm just saying what is for now.

So - I'll see how it goes.  In the meantime, know I'm still doing well with WWP+, beginning to get out and do some long walks, and intending to come on down the scale.  You know damn well that when I hit any big milestone, like a certain re-entry into Onederland in the coming weeks - I'll be blabbing it all over the airwaves!  Keep the faith, dear bloggers.


  1. I completely understand. Frequent blogging can become challenging, particularly after a period of time. That's why we need vacations in our "real" life as well--to recharge. I have been thinking along the same lines. My best to you as you take some well-deserved time off.

  2. I know exactly what you're saying.

    Not too long ago, I had to make a decision about my blog. I had t decide if I was going to write my thoughts and feelings and musings--even if my readers told me to be more positive (alak and alas, my musings are often not "positive", but they are real.) or just hang it up.

    Although some internal work is not for public consumption, even if the blog is mostly anonymous, I think that if I can't put my "stuff" here, then I'm wasting my time. I never have been one for small talk. :) As Monk would say, "It's a blessing and a curse."

    For now I've decided, obviously, that I'd give going back to being me a try. We'll see. There's a time and place on my blog for fun, fluffy stuff, but not to the exclusion of those things that are moving my soul.

    I've missed you. I hope you find your bloggy way soon. Do keep me posted.


  3. Leslie, as you are well aware, been there, done that. I think everyone needs, once in a while, to pull back and charge the internal batteries. I totally understand, and I'll be looking forward to your return. No guilt, ok? :)

  4. Leslie, while I will miss reading you, I completely understand and applaud your decision.

  5. Soooo understandable! I used to blog every day. Now usually just a couple times a week. I guess I feel if I lose followers I do because I didn't start the blog to get followers - although I appreciate them and like you feel I've formed many friendships.

    I'll be waiting to see you update in my reader and I'll still be there to cheer you into Onederland and any other place you may go!

  6. Okay, you know how much I love your writing. So I do need to pay you a compliment and tell you that of the many blogs I read, yours has always stood out in that regard. You have such a way with words and such a great sense of humor that comes through.

    I'll miss your posts. But you know I won't forget you. We are too in sync, you and I. You are often on my mind and will remain so.

    As for blogging, I have long said as other bloggers have taken breaks or debating continuing, IMO blogging should be a happy thing and you should do it if you get something out of it. Whatever that thing is. For some it is the creative process. Or accountability. Or support and connections and community. Or knowledge. Or making an impact.

    So, my in sync friend, I also most love my posts that flow from my fingertips. Sometimes that is often and sometimes they are few and far between. So I get it. And some days I feel the burden of churning one out. Hopefully that never comes across when I write.

    Thank you for sharing of yourself. And thank you for your support and friendship. And thank you for telling us and not just vanishing so we don't worry:)

    And feel free to email me anytime you feel like talking or writing or just ... whatever. Hugs, Leslie.

  7. Forced is an excellent word. I'm right there with ya' girlfriend. :) Text me! lol

  8. I love your writing too (no compliment involved) so you won't lose me. I know how you feel though. I am finding blogging to be taking up a lot of my time and energy. Balance is the key.

  9. You're not losing me that easy!LOL! Enjoy Life Leslie - you deserve it.

  10. For my own selfish reasons, I want to see you keep blogging! But I know the feeling when it gets to be too much. I often have posts written in my head that I never actually get written down -- for some reason, I just don't make the effort, even though the thoughts are there. So I'll miss you whenever you're not around but know we can still be in touch.

  11. Completely understand, Leslie. You have to make your blog work for you...and one of these days, you will again. I'm glad you're not leaving blogland and will still be reading and commenting. Take care and recharge, my friend. :)

  12. do you think there is a 'relationship'
    between the fact that you are
    no longer 'in food crisis'
    can't think of what to write about regularly?

    I suspect it is part of the process.

  13. I can relate and I have cut back to posting only 3 times a week.

    I have learned so much from your posts Leslie and I will miss your honesty mixed with humor and the insight you have shared about your relationship with food.

    I am praying for your continued success in all areas of your life. You are an inspiration to me.

  14. I actually use my blog as an escape with everything else that is going on in my life - its the one thing I can control!

    Totally understand that you need to take a break - and there is no shame in that - if it doesn't fulfill you, don't worry about it!

    I will still be here if and when you decide to come back! Your support over the last month has been most appreciated!!


  15. Totally can relate. I hope that you will find that you miss it more than you thought and are back PDQ!

    Will miss you. Take care and be a looser!

  16. I don't blog much or keep up with other post. I am trying to read everyone's blog tonight. First time in weeks or months on reading all I follow. WW is wonderful. Good luck and you are still my inspiration. I wake up wanting to eat. While eating breakfast I am thinking about lunch and while eating lunch I am thinking about supper. My head hurts just thinking. Best of Luck always.