Thursday, January 5, 2012

The girl who plays with fire

Belate happy new year, all.  Belated because my efforts at reining myself back in after holiday overdoing (euphemism for bingeing) have been fraught with self sabotage and struggle.  Seems my body has become accustomed to eating whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, and has been in major crave and withdrawal mode.  I had one good day on the 2nd, only to fall back down the rabbit hole since.  It's (I'm) nuts.  I can't claim denial because I'm very aware, and the awareness is not doing much for my self esteem.  I'm seeing behaviors and tendencies in myself that are very reminiscent of how I was when I was drinking - not the big things, but subtler things like how I'll go upstairs early after dinner with assorted garbage foods so the family isn't aware.  Not good.

Today is it.  I'm sick of harming myself, and that's really what I've been doing.  Someone with Type 2 diabetes who continues to eat the way I have for the last 2 weeks is playing with fire.  HA!  I'm the woman who played with fire - not to be confused with The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo whose playing with fire is revealed in the second entry of the trilogy. 

As I've said before, this feels bigger than me, and it's a little scary.  Watching myself and realizing how my food addiction has progressed from even a year ago tells me all I need to know.  What I really hate is how I've said these things countless times before, and yet here I am in 2012 still struggling.  There is a solution, and I'm well aware of it.  For me, I can't having even one grain of sugar or white flour, because even that small amount can trigger me - mentally if not biochemically.  On January 3rd, after my first day of the rest of my life where I did have a clean day, I had oatmeal and put 1 tsp. of Splenda brown sugar mix in it - and within hours I was off to the races.  The Splenda Brown has a small amount of real sugar, as opposed to plain Splenda.  The sweetness and maple-y taste it gave the oatmeal started me wanting more sweet taste immediately, but I was able to hold off until after work, while obsessing about my craving all day.

So - it's back to low carbing that begins with a mix of South Beach and Atkins' early phases.  From years of experience I know that keeping carbs on the lower side works best for me.  I avoided oatmeal this morning because I was already thinking about that stupid tiny tsp. of Splenda Brown.  Until trying that, I never put anything in my oatmeal but salt - EVER.  Man - addiction is a wicked condition/disease, and I have a major case of it.

Please send positive vibes, prayers, or whatever my way - I absolutely can't do this alone.  I also need to say that this is not a New Year Resolution - it's the beginning of a health crisis for me that I need to address, or I'm going to end up giving myself insulin one of these days.  I believe that doesn't have to happen, but only if I'm willing to go to any lengths to get better.  I think, I hope, I'm there.


  1. Use that fire for good! Fire up the body with exercise!! Fire up the metabolism! Happy New Year Leslie! May it bring you all the best!!

  2. Good thoughts and prayers coming your way. Dealing with these food issues is one of the most difficult things in the world. I sometimes wish we didn't have to eat, because we always have to be dealing with food, and that is like playing with fire.

    Type two diabetes is hanging around the perimeters of my life too, and I know I need to avoid certains foods and lose weight. When I'm at a more normal weight, my body can handle some sugar. I guess the excess fat that I have on my body creates an insulin resistance. However, I know we can find our way out of this, Leslie. I also know that success breeds success, and if I concentrate on eating clean with the idea of losing ten or fifteen pounds, I will be on my way to losing more. I think small steps are the key, at least for me.

  3. So sorry that you are struggling. I've not liked the hungry days I've had since the 2nd when I went Paleo again, and can't believe how easy it was to roll right back into carboliciousness during the week between Christmas and New Year's.

    BUT, I have bloodwork that will determine if I have to start taking Metformin coming up in just a couple of weeks, therefore I am determined to walk the straight and narrow and I do not want another drug!

  4. Sorry you're struggling my friend! It's so much easier to turn the switch of than on. We're all doing it with you if that helps!

  5. Hi, Leslie.

    This food thing is hard. Identifying denial is harder--especially when one is busy acknowledging the addictive behavior.

    I suggest that your slide into food foolishness came just before you began sporadic blogging, eventually declaring that you were no longer "into" your own blog and were just reading others, instead.

    I had feared you were in trouble back then, but truly hoped you had just gotten so fully into living that you didn't have time for the virtual village. If I had known what to say at the time, I would have said it. (And just because when I'm not into blogging, it's because I AM into food, didn't mean that was your deal, you know?)

    Considering that my own addictive behavior with food has resulted in a THIRTY pound gainback, I am certainly not standing in judgment!

    It's a new day, girlfriend. Let's just get to the end of it clean, we'll worry about doing more than that another time. Hopefully, you wan't pass thru the low-carb flu phase as your body gets used to (Or revolts against) the change.

    Hugs, Leslie.

    Welcome back.


  6. I wonder if you consider that certain foods do affect you biochemically, that you could completely abstain from them, like you do with alcohol...I mean, many years ago you accepted that alcohol affected you differently than it does other people and were willing to abstain, so why not certain foods?

    Just a thought...and of course, I am right with you on the support as you go through this - it's never easy to make such a huge lifestyle change, but like the other issue, it sure is worth it. Big hugs to you.

  7. Hmmm, how about making a strict eating plan for 10 days. Anyone can do it for 10 days. Buy only what you need for those 10 days. Give yourself some time to re-train those taste buds and get some of your confidence back. You have to be ready to do this, mentally. Get your willpower back, although I'm not sure it's about willpower or just caving in regardless.

    I was in a slump once during a previous diet (I'm a lifetime dieter and it's sick!). I read the Dr. Phil book. I made a list of foods from it that he had written that were the only things I could eat. It wasn't a 'Foods I can NOT eat' list, it was a 'Foods Allowed' list. It helped shape my thinking about it. I followed the list for 10 days. It wasn't so much of a menu as it was a guide. I was able to stick within the parameters of the list to get back on track, gain the 'I can do this' attitude back and move forward. Try that maybe?

    Find something that works for you. When you're feeling a binge coming on, go for a brisk walk or write in a journal. Why do you succumb to the cravings so easily? Also, purge your fridge and pantry - bye bye to the processed, sugary crap. Hello to an abundance of fresh, wholesome nurtitious options.

    Be well. Be strong. Fight for yourself because you're worth it!!! Happy New Year. Make it count!!! :)

  8. Some great suggestions here...let me add that practicing a little self-acceptance would go a long way in helping you want to make the right choices for yourself. As you said, this is bigger than you...and it's not just about the food. Also, and yeah, I know some people get sick of me talking about this, if you haven't yet done so, consider seeing a hormone specialist (not just a regular doctor who will take your blood, but someone who knows the ins and outs of hormones and uses additional tests via saliva). Oftentimes our cravings and false hunger occur not because we're lazy fat slobs, but because we've got a true imbalance going on. Getting at and addressing the root cause of the imbalance then allows healing to take place on many levels.


  9. You know I am here for you. I will root you one; I will be low-carbing by your side; I will do whatever I can to help.


  11. I have no idea if just getting the stuff out of the house would work for you or not, I found there are a couple three items that just aren't IN the house, because if they are there, I can't stay out of them. Some time ago, Husband thought I was joking, and bought one of the said items. I had it gone in a day. After a rather unladylike reprimand on my part, he will remember not to tease me like that anymore. Hmph.

    Good luck, and we will all be rooting for you!


  12. You are not alone and you are going to beat this.

  13. cheeering you on---no matter how late to the soiree I am. sorry--from the ATX.


  14. I just left Helen a comment - my goal in 2012 is to figure out how to add blogs to google reader!

    Yep, unfortunately for Type II the only way to manage it is with diet and exercise. My sister works with a woman whose doctor is finally putting her on insulin because her blood sugar numbers ON AVERAGE are in the 350-450 range!

    It's been 3 weeks and she hasn't tested her blood sugar or started insulin yet. It's a managable disease too, just a pain in the butt.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR to you! :D Hugs!