Plateaus, the past, and progress

Happy Tuesday, blog friends.  I'm having an eerily quiet morning at work (knock on wood else shit shall hit fan) so thought I'd drop in for a brief update.

It's a happy Tuesday indeed for me because as soon as I get off, Hubby will drop me at the airport and I'm heading to Atlanta for a few days to visit my in-law family.  My FIL died in December, and so I'm mainly going to hang out with my mom-in-law, and of course see other family members.  And here's a kicker...I'm super excited to go!  I have none of my usual "less-than" feelings about being with all the skinny smart beautiful people this go round.  I'm just looking forward to catching up and spending time with them.  Also having a few days off from work, which goes without saying.

Anyone who has read my blog for more than a year or so recalls my trepidations of being with this bunch - I have always gotten along with them famously.  They have always been welcoming and loving with me, and I've always known it was genuine.  But my feelings of fatness and shame always became magnified to the nth degree when I was with them (once I'd entered the endless struggle of disordered eating after my 3rd child was born), and so every encounter with them has been a mix of wonderfulness on the outside and shame and self hate on the inside.

My recent journey that began at the beginning of March, when I fully accepted and owned out loud my Type 2 Diabetes and determined to best it in every arena possible has begun to seriously change me.  I've talked about testing my blood sugar daily, changing up my foods, seeing how different foods affect the blood sugar, lost some weight, plateau'ed for a few weeks and then began losing again, and haven't gotten discouraged when one number (blood sugar) or another (lbs) weren't what I wanted or thought they should be.  Somehow I've stuck with it and am feeling some confidence, for the first time ever since the weight struggles ensued, that I can stay the course and slowly get really better.  And thinner.

It's weird, because I find myself thinking how strange it could be to be in a much slimmer body.  I'm already about 15 pounds down and in different sizes.  I'm soon going to get to the place I got to about 4 years ago, and then began to slowly regain.  Obviously in one way or another I wasn't ready to move into a thinner version of who I'd become over the years...maybe scared, or uncertain of what it would be like or how it would change my core self. I don't know - I hear my possible over-thinking about this, but I realize that I never felt those feelings before.  If I don't take this slowly, and settle at various places in order to find a comfort of some kind at new emotional stops along the way, I may run scared again, and head back up the scale.

The aforementioned plateau really bugged me for a bit, but deep down I thought it was okay.  I knew I hadn't changed anything to make me stop losing weight, and my blood sugar numbers were still decent, so I kept on.  THIS IS NEW BEHAVIOR FOR ME.  And it's fueled by new acceptance of myself and my reality at this stage of my life.  I cannot wait for my next round of blood work in early June, because I know it's going to be great!

My weight this morning was 201.  What I was calling spittin' distance was 204.  This is more like lickin' distance.  I don't know if it will happen while I'm there, because I will enjoy myself and not be restricting my intake.  I will test my blood daily, and make decisions about what is worth slowing my progress for and what isn't.  The way I'm feeling, there won't be much that will seem worth it, but I know that more than just my warm fuzzy feeling right now will play a role in my behaviors. Like emotions, frustrations, fabulous menus and being out of my usual surroundings.  But if I pay attention to my heart, my gut, and my blood sugars, my behaviors will be true choices, and not coping strategies.

Have a good week, guys!