Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Brain dump

I was going to be so consistent about journaling the journey (hmmm) of this lifestyle change I'm making, but have not because it seems I'm spending most of my computer/keyboard time continue to read the archives of Pasta Sho lost half her body weight over 2+ years through healthy eating and exercise, and now works daily to maintain her new way of living healthfully. She's total inspiration and the textbook picture of tenacity, persistence and committment. She also has never been self-hating or equated her self worth with the accomplishment of weight loss. Even in the early days of her blog, when she was within sneezing distance of 400lbs, she evidenced self respect and acceptance. She never was mean about her descriptions of herself at the larger size...funny, yes. Mean, never.

What prompts me to write again, and hopefully to continue to do so, is that this morning I found myself thinking that this is taking too f-ing long...I'm not losing weight fast enough, and therefore I'm a (or the most, in keeping with my egomaniacal inferiority complex) fundamentally flawed incarnation of the species. BULLSHIT! That is simply not true. I only started the Healthy Inspiration program of reasonable eating, exercise, and strength training on June 12th. Today is July 8th, and I know I have lost 8lbs, and not missed a day of doing some kind of exercise. I've added in weights per the trainer in the program and find myself able to do some weight lifting that I've never done before, and improved and added lbs to the lifts already. Also, I have clear evidence via my heart rate while doing cardio that what I'm doing is changing things in my body. This is fantastic. Furthermore, my body is almost 56 years old, and it has been treated poorly by its inhabitant for many of those years. The fact that it is still able to show up, work hard, get better, and keep me going on a daily basis is amazing. Younger people than me have succumbed in one way or another to many poor health conditions. Yet my body seems strong and quite capable of getting stronger.

I put on a bra this morning fresh from the dryer, and it is a lot tighter than the one I had on yesterday. I feel it, and because I'm wearing a tee shirt that is more close fitting than some, it feels like my sausage like rolls above the waist are evident as I walk around. First, so f-ing what! No one is going to see me today and be suddenly struck with the realization I need to lose a few lbs! If a roll shows, it shows. Doesn't define me or indicate my worth as a human, except in my own wacked mind. I'm not going there today. And second, if the roll feels prominent today because of what I'm wearing, I can rest confident and proud in the knowledge that I am working hard to become healthier and thinner. I'm trying to change my faulty thinking and acquire the confidence to know that I can lose weight and get healthier. And if this is going to be the last time I have to travel down the scale, which is my intention and desire, it's going to take awhile. No more crazy crash weight loss for me. Slow and steady. It could take a year. And that's just the getting there part - the beginning of the journey. Maintenance will be the bulk of the journey that is my life. I can do this. It feels big, but not impossible. Blogs Like PastaQueen and Roni's Weigh help me see that I'm not alone in this.

Like the addict I am (I'm backing off the food addict notion, but the alcoholism and it's related tendencies help me understand my habitual nature of self-defeating behaviors that are my default setting )I want results NOW. Drop 20 pounds in a month...been there and it doesn't last. And it's terrible for my body. No instant gratification here. I don't weigh enough to expect large amounts of weight loss right away (TG). I started at 220 this go-round, and at 212 now (on the scale at the Healthplex). Slower than I'd like, but given that I'm not depriving myself of food, and that there have already been a few binges during this process from June 12, it's great that I am still committed, exercising, and striving for more binge free days. Definitely new behavior. Really new...and this fills me with hope, inspiration, and confidence that I can achieve my first goal of getting to 180 without extreme dieting and leaving out things that I like to have once in awhile.

Ahhhh - I feel better now. It's like a gratitude list - inventory-ing my current status helps me see that I can change. Hopefully more than just my committing to chronicling this journey.

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