What prompts me to write again, and hopefully to continue to do so, is that this morning I found myself thinking that this is taking too f-ing long...I'm not losing weight fast enough, and therefore I'm a (or the most, in keeping with my egomaniacal inferiority complex) fundamentally flawed incarnation of the species. BULLSHIT! That is simply not true. I only started the Healthy Inspiration program of reasonable eating, exercise, and strength training on June 12th. Today is July 8th, and I know I have lost 8lbs, and not missed a day of doing some kind of exercise. I've added in weights per the trainer in the program and find myself able to do some weight lifting that I've never done before, and improved and added lbs to the lifts already. Also, I have clear evidence via my heart rate while doing cardio that what I'm doing is changing things in my body. This is fantastic. Furthermore, my body is almost 56 years old, and it has been treated poorly by its inhabitant for many of those years. The fact that it is still able to show up, work hard, get better, and keep me going on a daily basis is amazing. Younger people than me have succumbed in one way or another to many poor health conditions. Yet my body seems strong and quite capable of getting stronger.
I put on a bra this morning fresh from the dryer, and it is a lot tighter than the one I had on yesterday. I feel it, and because I'm wearing a tee shirt that is more close fitting than some, it feels like my sausage like rolls above the waist are evident as I walk around. First, so f-ing what! No one is going to see me today and be suddenly struck with the realization I need to lose a few lbs! If a roll shows, it shows. Doesn't define me or indicate my worth as a human, except in my own wacked mind. I'm not going there today. And second, if the roll feels prominent today because of what I'm wearing, I can rest confident and proud in the knowledge that I am working hard to become healthier and thinner. I'm trying to change my faulty thinking and acquire the confidence to know that I can lose weight and get healthier. And if this is going to be the last time I have to travel down the scale, which is my intention and desire, it's going to take awhile. No more crazy crash weight loss for me. Slow and steady. It could take a year. And that's just the getting there part - the beginning of the journey. Maintenance will be the bulk of the journey that is my life. I can do this. It feels big, but not impossible. Blogs Like PastaQueen and Roni's Weigh help me see that I'm not alone in this.
Like the addict I am (I'm backing off the food addict notion, but the alcoholism and it's related tendencies help me understand my habitual nature of self-defeating behaviors that are my default setting
Ahhhh - I feel better now. It's like a gratitude list - inventory-ing my current status helps me see that I can change. Hopefully more than just my committing to chronicling this journey.