Saturday, November 28, 2009

Wouldn't know normal if it kicked me in the A$$!

Yaaay! Back to blogging, at least for a little while here. Being away so much and having limited internet access is driving me up the wall, which means everyone around me is being driven up the moi. Blogging on a daily basis really helps me destress, debrief, and de-crazy myself. It's part of the routine that has worked pretty well for me since June when I began this journey down the scale towards health and wellness.

It feels like I've been out of synch from that routine for the whole month of November, and looking ahead I see that isn't likely to change, given the month of December and all it brings! And what will it be bringing this year (besides the obvious)?

1. Arthroscopic knee surgery for me on the 4th, which I'm READY for because my knee is getting more jacked up by the day! The sooner it's fixed, the sooner I can get back to my REAL workouts, which are essential for my body and also my wacky head! It has occurred to me in the last few days that one of the big changes I've faced in the last 6-8 weeks is having to severely curtail my workouts due to my knee pain. Of course that has effected my mental and emotional status, given how many hours I was exercising each week.

2. Our youngest son, 21 year old Mark, will be returning from his fall semester that he spent in Buenos Aires, Argentina. He'll get home December 12, and be there until he returns to Atlanta for his spring semester back at Emory University, in mid January. I absolutely can't wait to see him and have him home. He's a great kid, with a wicked sense of humor like his mom. We spar constantly, driving my husband slightly nuts. It wil be wonderful to have him home, but a big change for my empty nester self.

3. Already several holiday parties are on the calendar, including one I'm having for my AA women friends. Good stuff, more challenges.

4. Daughter Jean comes home from the DR for Christmas on the 24th, and Stephen (who we're with in Chicago as I type) will get home probably the same day. The nest will be packed to the rafters like it was a few years back. It will be great and action packed. And not exactly peaceful...but in a good way. And a stressful way.

5. Christmas itself, with all that encompasses throughout the month. And also challenging to my "routine".

I put "routine" in quotes because at the beginning of this post, I noted that mine had been interrupted and altered due to circumstances for awhile. Well, apparently my new normal is going to be interruption of routine. As in "not normal". All this weekend in Chicago I've been saying to myself, "Hang on...we'll be home Sunday night and it'll be back to normal!" HAH! There is no normal because life is uncertain, busy, messy and rich with, well, life. I have to adjust to the prevailing winds - they are natural forces which I can't change. What I can change is myself and how I adjust my sails to the endless shifting of currents around me.

I wrote in my last post about having some bad eating episodes since getting in the car to drive to Chicago. The bottom line is that I had a 3 day relapse with some of the craziest eating I've had in a long time. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. With each mouthful, my thinking and mood got darker and suckier. I really contemplated just giving up the whole diet/exerise effort until January - "when things got back to normal." But blogging helped me YET AGAIN. This time not just from being 1/4 honest about the extent to which I'd backslid, but from the comments I received. Mainly people telling me to hang in there, and to keep posting, and even to have a good time with my husband and son! In my small miserable space of self hatred over eating, I had sort of forgotten that! I wasn't being all miserable with them, but I wasn't my usual upbeat self, either. My world had shrunk back to "poor destined-to-be-fat-forever me" in 3 short days.

Also, Vickie, from Baby Steps V suggested that I pack food for the drive home (all 13 hours of it!) - not just snacks...meels too. Long car rides have historically been bad binge triggers for me, out of boredom and the delayed gratification of having to wait all those hours to get where I can't wait to be. Or something. Who knows the deep psychlogical reasons? And if I did know, the knowledge would avail me nothing if I didn't take action anyway. I thought Vickie's tip was excellent, and I'm going to do it. I have all the stuff to put together food for the journey for hubby and me. He's thrilled, because this will likely save us a few $$!

Friday and today have been good food days, and I'm feel my equilibrium returning. My vision of and desire for a leaner healthier Leslie is coming back into focus. But for those few days, I had lost sight of my dream. And I see that it happened not before I started caving in to overeating, but as a result of it. The onslaught of sugar, carbs and empty calories muddied my thinking and my goals for myself. Almost like a biochemically induced self diminishing. It's pretty scary to see that happen; but I hope that the clear knowledge of how the food changed my thinking so substantially and in such a short time will become another weapon in my arsenal against the innerbinge-er, who apparently still thinks she's gonna win this battle! Well, you're on notice, binge-bitch. You're goin' down, and the sooner the better.

Finally, I've recently been given 2 lovely awards from wonderful blog friends. I will address them in my next post, which will be from home Sunday night. I'm so grateful for them and want to give them the time they deserve. But for tonight, I needed to rant and rave, and confess, yet again, my transgressions against self. Sure wish this would be the last time I'd have to do this! Thank you all again for the endless presence, support and wisdom.


  1. Leslie, it is good to see you have shaken off the funk the trip brought on. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we can fall back into old habits. Consider this comment a high five. Great job!

  2. I was just thinking the exact same thing myself. Just get everyone back in school and then will barely get turned around and they will be home again. And exactly as you said - LOVE to have them home - but it does make things more challenging for me. Want to hold my own, want to take care of myself, but don't want to be a stick in the mud or make things difficult for anyone else. Balance is hard this time of year. And there are many times of the year that I think that - it seems like every few weeks there is SOMETHING. glad you posted - I was wondering how things were going.

  3. Glad you've got over the bingey days so quickly - it might not seem like it to you now, but that's very significant...

    I will be thinking of you on the 4th and sending positive thoughts and energy your way for a rapid recovery. I'm getting thoroughly p*ssed off with this tennis elbow I've got in both arms and all I've wanted to do for the past few weeks is get cracking with the ChaLEAN Extreme workout, but I can't do that until my arms are fully healed... :o(

  4. I'm glad you got that binge out of the way and that it was just a momentary lapse. Hey, everyone can have those, even non-bingers. There's so much convenience food available on a long dull trip. Good luck with your surgery. It will be good to get back into shape again and be able to exercise. That will do wonders for your healthy state of mind.

  5. I have done travel both ways--stopping and getting junk/eating out all the way, and bringing ALL my food and never stopping once for a snack or a meal. And of course, at the end of the trip with all my good food that I have packed, I am so much happier and feel so much better. At first it seems like a lot of work and planning, but now it is almost second nature--just part of my thinking process 'what do I need to pack for this trip?'

  6. Hi Leslie. Constant change is a challenge. It requires constant adjustment, which requires a lot of self awareness. But luckily you have tons of self awareness!

    My response to all this would be to try and nail down a healthy eating pattern. So there is no negotiating about what you will be eating and when you will be eating it. Except the actual holiday days of course. I find a solid eating routine is the only way to keep things on a level in psychological/ emotional terms.

    This blog is becoming like a confessional! But that's what it's here for. For you to unburden yourself so you can understand it, find support and be able to move forward.

    Glad you've had a couple of good days to restore sanity!

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx