Wednesday, November 2, 2011

There's light in the distance

I sort of left off that last post in cliffhanger fashion.  My intention was not to divide this saga into chapters (boringest book ever), but this is what happens when blogging at work, and then trying to hornswaggle my own laptop away from #2 son who is currently living at home and recently experienced the sudden and total demise of his own computer. 

So - when last we met I'd just had the jolt of scale trauma/drama/oh!mama! and was suffused from within with the deep knowledge that I couldn't continue in the destructive eating pattern I'd been in for months - and if truth be told...for years.  I felt done.  Scared.  Using my knowledge of hitting bottom (and hoping for no trapdoors in that bottom), the first thing I did was literally pray to whomever/whatever is controlling my personal marionette strings and asked for help and for willingness to accept and receive whatever form that help may manifest.  As I told a blog friend - I was hoping the divine source would not send me to a 12 step food program but was/am willing to try again if that's where I feel led.  So far, that hasn't come up at all.  (In fact, it seems just the opposite...)

I just knew that the best action plan for myself was to go cold-turkey on sugar, flour and aim for low carb eating.  This has always been a good plan for me - and I've been doing a sort of merging of South Beach Phase 1 and Atkins Induction.  I began last Wednesday morning, and so far I have stayed true to the plan.  No sugar at all.  No flour or products with flour at all.  No highly processed junky stuff.  Within 48 hours of this my head was clearer, my cravings were gone - caput - and I was stunned that I'd actually been able to get those 2 days.  And I've been on plan since.  Today is Day 8 - a full week under my belt, and my weight was 208.4 yesterday morning - a loss of 7.4 pounds.  I feel better in every way, and it's remarkable how I'm not constantly thinking of food.  Clearly, with my Type 2 diabetes, the whole insulin mechanism is out of whack, and I'm terribly triggered by even one bite of "contraband".  As I've said here many times before, I don't have to resist a whole cake, or a bag of candy - I only have to not take the first bite, and that will greatly help the biochemical piece of my overeating.

So - I'm feeling much better, and the biggest change I am seeing is the restoration of hope.  I'd actually been thinking that I was not going to be able to get my eating under control again and that I should work on accepting myself as a fat person who struggles to be "only" 50 pounds overweight.  I was really mired down in negativity, fear, muddled thinking from endless sugar intake, and inertia.  It feels miraculous that I have a full week clean!  And I feel just the slightest bit optimistic that I CAN get better, find healing and ultimately, peace with food.

But - the BIG BUT...the part that will be the most difficult will be the emotional piece.  Just last evening for the first time I started having food thoughts - no cravings, but just the desire to eat something.  So I had about a 1/4 cup of nuts and went to bed.  The thoughts passed, but not before I sat and reflected for a little while - trying to breathe into that desire to eat and see where it took me.  I didn't unearth anything of import, but I know that there are feelings and thoughts and maybe memories or fears that I've been stuffing.  They will emerge if I don't restart the stuffing process, and it's my fervent desire to not return to that living hell of out-of-control eating.

I'm perfectly content for now with the way I'm eating, but I'm not even having fruit for the first 2 weeks.  I don't trust myself, and since I'm not missing it or craving it, I'm going to take it a day at a time and see if I want to continue with this or add in a few more carb items like an apple, or dried beans or something.  But the biggest thing is that I'm going to stay accountable to a friend in my real world, as well as to a virtual friend who extended herself and her support to me.  And I'm going to be honest.  This current burst of truth telling by me has been motivated by a very courageous blogger, Lyn at Escape From Obesity, who has always role-modeled honesty on her blog.  I'm done with glossing over reality.  It wastes your time and mine, and affords me nothing.

So here is trying to get this 8th day in the can!


  1. Sometimes we need to change something in order to get motivated again. I'm so glad you're doing well. I've not done the low carb thing, because I have wondered if I would get headaches, etc., but I know a lot of people who have been successful. Keep us posted.

  2. Leslie, these are the blogs which encourage me most - the ones that are so totally honest. This is really YOU and I am so thankful that you've had such a terrific 8 days. I had missed your posts. THANK YOU for being real! I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I truly appreciate it and it motivates me to strive higher.

  3. It never ceases to amaze me how much better I feel, physically and emotionally, when I am eating in a similar fashion. But I for sure do beans! Every day, in fact. I think you are smart with the fruit because I sometimes find it hard to control and easy to overeat. I no some would find that crazy... but I suspect you know what I mean.

    I'm glad that this chapter is so much more positive. I predict a happy ending to this story:)

  4. Very good. That's a lot of eating good in a row.

    :-) Marion

  5. Just discovered your blog and I really appreciate your honesty. Each day you stay on plan is an affirmation that you CAN do this! Here's to another 8 days and to all the days ahead where you are in control of your eating and on your way to becoming the whole and healthy person you were made to be!

  6. Glad to hear you're doing better and hoping that this Day 8 is going swimmingly as well!

    Honestly IS the best policy, especially for yourself.