I just had a visit from a very old and distant entity...the thought of a drink, no, a DRUNK, actually came into my head for a second. I'm sober over 20 1/2 years and I love my sober life. It's been years since the thought of a drinking popped up, and since I can't go to an AA meeting at the moment to share about it, I'll dump it here (and at a meeting later! :) ).
It would be ridiculous for me to enumerate the annoyances and aggravations that have come my way today - starting at my AA meeting, of all places. That was in the form of a couple of blowhards who think they invented sobriety and that they are the Grand Poobahs of AA. (This must sound nuts to those who've never experienced an AA meeting, because who would want to be a grand poobah of a bunch of drunks?) These guys think they have to speak at every meeting and grace us with their wisdom - actually between them they ego the size of about 50 Grand Canyons. And in AA, we tolerate that because if we tell them they can't speak about whatever BS they want to speak about, then someone could tell me the same thing. Hard to explain, but a few of my readers will get it.
The other thing at the meeting that put a burr in my saddle was that a pretty good friend who always sits next to me made a comment that irritated me. Before the meeting started, another gal who hadn't been to the meeting in a long time (and so hadn't seen my newly gray/white/platinum hair said she loved my hair and that it looked fantastic. Well this "friend" next to me says, "Yes - it actually contrasts well with your skin. Before, it seemed like whatever color you got sort of blended in with your face." Say what, bitch? Actually I said nothing, but I did etch it in stone in my rememberer! Don't mess with me lady! Did that comment, even if she really thought that, need to be said? Out loud? Please.
Anyway, then I came to work, and it's been one crazy thing after another. At lunch I ran home to check the mail for a long awaited check (that wasn't there), and on the way back, I was having streams of thoughts about "there's no way I can stay at this job for 8 more years!" (retirement age), I hate "so and so" for her crap attitude at work"...to name 2 of a zillion - and all of a sudden, the thought flashed in my mind, "I wish I could get obliterated right now!" What? Huh? Me? Where'd that come from? I'm not going to drink, nor do I want to.
Guess what followed quickly...the thought of eating some crappy junky sweet something or other. Talk about a clear view into my addictive nature, and the emotional component that drives it! I just picked up the phone and vented to a gal I sponsor (telling her she was going to sponsor me for a few minutes), and that really helped. This gal gasped when I told her what the woman said about my hair (which was very validating), and then the rest of my rampage just gave her the giggles. That sort of let the air out of my anger balloon. And I felt mostly better. Hopefully this post will get the rest of the ball of resentment, frustration and anger to fully dissipate.
Argh - I don't want to drink. I don't want to binge. I don't even want to eat anything other than what I have planned for the whole day. So I'm eating my salad and biding my time until the junk for store closes at 1:30, which it is now, and I'm going to do the next right thing. And as I've learned to do in AA, I'm going to start my day over again. Right now.
My experience is that with good solid therapy I learned about anger and how destructive it is to the one who is angry. I learned to not have anger as a 'go to' stance. It's a choice. What a difference in the quality of my life. Meditation and mindfulness are a part of my equanimity. Pema Chodron a buddhist writer has some excellent plain speaking writing about anger and frustration.
ReplyDeleteThanks Katie! I have read a lot of Pema Chodron. Between mindfulness, having a meditation practice, and my frequent AA attendance, I don't often get quite so knocked off my square, and when I do get off the beam, I know what to do to get regrounded. Thank you for reading and commenting!
DeleteLeslie I am so proud of you for handling this so well and reaching out to your friend by phone and blogging about it! Victory!
ReplyDeleteMust be something in the air today as I have been feeling a little off myself. In another time frame these feelings would have sent me right off to the kitchen to soothe myself with food. Instead I made a cup of tea, and became distracted with the Internet!
Meditation and mindfulness are things I could use more of.
Couldn't we all, Tami?! Sounds like you were able to distract yourself away from the blahs pretty well yourself!
DeleteGlad you made it past the witching hour! Not that drinking was an option, but some days are just crappy, ya know?
ReplyDeleteNot everyday can be a mountaintop experience - you know you've heard the AA blowhards for years - and today it just bothered you.
Wish I was there and we could go for a power walk after work and swap stories ;-)
I wish you were too, Roxie! That'd be awesome!
DeleteGood work, Leslie, very good work. ) Clearly, the tools you've acquired during your sobriety are a part of you. I'm proud of you, too.
ReplyDeleteAbout anger. I know that you know this, but I am compelled to say it. (Do know that I was going to write this even before I read about the 'Oh so above anger.' Buddhist stuff that annoyed me. [and, yes, I know why it annoyed me, but I'll spare you.])
Anyway. Anger.
Anger is what is called a secondary emotion. Some feeling came before the anger, but was quickly pushed away [often without even noticing that flash of feeling], in favor of feeling angry.
Why? Anger allows us to feel POWERFUL. Feeling powerful is much better than feeling helpless, victimized, ashamed, put down, embarrassed, less than...you get the idea. The degree of our anger is directly resultant from the degree of our shame, etc.
Anger is not always to be avoided. It is meant to help us (sorry, Buddhists). Anger causes us to feel powerful because it is meant to. When we are angry because of injustice done to others, for instance, it is the anger--not the compassion or soothing meditations--that energizes us to act. (That, of course, comes under the category of righteous indignation. Which wasn't your category today. :})
The other helpful thing it does, though, is that it stimulates our us to look at what just happened rather than to roll over and play dead while we drown in our shame...or addiction.
When you feel anger, pause and look for the feeling that came just before the anger. You may have to look hard if you're skilled at automatic denial of emotions or smother the anger with good thoughts.
Most often, you'll find one of two emotions. 1. Felt helplessness or 2. Shame or one of it's variants like feeling put down.
Okay. Review of what you already know completed.
Again--GOOD JOB!
Deb
Thanks so much, Deb. I'm with you - when anger comes, it just ain't gonna happen that I "don't go there". It came and so I must experience it, bring it to awareness, parse it a bit, and then let it go. Easier said than done, but with practice - not as hard as it used to be.
Delete"Say what, bitch?" had me rolling...and yes, that's exactly the attitude I'd have taken upon hearing that comment, too. Some people. ::rolleyes::
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you vented, both here and to your sponsee, and hopefully you aren't giving these people any more free rent in your head. I know those of which you speak, and yeah, most of the time you can be loving and patient toward them, but every once in a while, NO.
Hang in there, and keep doing the next right thing. Hugs!
Thanks Shelley - I thought you'd get this!
DeleteI like that "starting the day over right now". I think it's absolutely amazing that you have stayed sober for 20 1/2 years. I can't imagine what kind of hell you went through, especially, I would suppose, in the first year.
ReplyDeleteHow did you do it? (hope you don't mind me asking)
Lucy - the answer to how I did it? One day at a time!!! One long effing day at a time for a lot of days!! There was absolutely a lot more to it than that, but that's the essence. Plus endless help from the amazing fellowship of AA.
DeleteI'm so glad that you hung in there a didn't take the bait of anger and frustration. That's quite an accomplishment, Leslie. You are doing the "next right thing."
ReplyDeleteOh Jane - if only you knew how often I do take the bait!! Just slogging through the mire of emotion!
DeleteOMG I love you. When I read the comment about your hair my eyebrows shot up, and your "Say what, bitch?" comment is the EXACT thing I would have said...except I would have actually said it, lmao. We're twins. I love that. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you too, Tammy! It took every ounce of decorum for me not to say it out loud. This gal has zinged me a few times, so part of me knew to consider the source. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather be twins with than YOU!
DeleteThank you for acknowledging all of this for us.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with anger, annoyance, frustration, fear...the so-called negative emotions. We try so hard to avoid them thinking it's not noble (or whatever) to allow ourselves to feel and/or express them. One of the most empowering things I have ever done is what I call "stomp and state." When I am feeling one of the above emotions, I literally stomp around the room with my fists clenched and my arms pumping and I say, out loud, "I am angry at..." or "I'm scared that..." and I just let whatever it is come out of my mouth as I stomp and clench and pump...I do it over and over and over until there's nothing more to say. As I do it, I actually feel physical sensations in my body...and I can feel them moving out of me.
Thank you SO MUCH for this comment, Karen. It's very easy to advise someone to "not allow myself to go there...". But the truth is, these are real human emotions that COME HERE - whether invited or not. It's what we do with them that counts. I love your "stomp and state"...that's kind of what I was doing with my post, and the phone call prior. Thank you for getting it! You're amazing :) !!
DeleteLeslie,
ReplyDeleteI do understand. Thank you for sharing your day here and not with a bottle or a brownie. Thank you for expressing that 20+ years does not mean you would not take a drink tomorrow. It is the same with food and that is what (I think) leads most people to gain their weight back over and over again - without understanding what happened. It is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Luckily there is an answer!
Jane~
You are very kind. I would have had some choice words for the "hair lady".
ReplyDeleteStomp and state is an awesome idea. I used to do something similar when I lived out in the country. When I was upset I would take a long walk as fast as I could, with big angry steps, putting all the energy into the ground with my walking, and I would mutter to myself about whatever it was that was bugging me. Eventually the tension is gone and you feel better, turn around and walk calmly home.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you can find a way to work through this. You can. You have been strong before and you an be strong now. You're in my thoughts!
Well, I'm late to the party and I really can't add anything that hasn't been said already. What I did keep thinking as I read through this and the comments is that this is exactly what blogging is all about. While we do it for ourselves, we are part of a larger community full of love, care, and concern - and great ideas!
ReplyDelete" Say what, bitch?" hahaha I love it! My common phrase is "B, please!" of course I only say it in my head..or in my car! Great job recognizing those feeling and knowing where to channel them instead of food or drink!
ReplyDeleteOh, I've had the comment, "There should be more trainers who look like you." Say what? What exactly is wrong with how I look that good looking trainers are missing out on!? So I totally relate to those awful random comments about looks.
ReplyDelete:-) Marion