Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Major Brain Dump Ahead

WARNING:  I'm in a mood....

I'm posting today because I want to connect, but I'm sort of at a loss for what to chat about.  I've been in a bit of a funk - nothing serious.  It's really more feeling very annoyed, taken advantage of, and put upon by my husband and 2 sons who are currently living at home (but won't be for much longer, and then I'll be missing them like crazy =O )!  I have to note that they really haven't done anything wrong, and a lot of this spring of my discontent is rooted in my own squirrel-i-ness with myself, I guess.  More on that in a minute...

I haven't weighed for about 2 weeks...again because I think I'm doing well and really can't deal with the mental masturbation that the scale evokes, esp. when  I've been doing pretty well, having mostly good days.  I haven't had any binges, and when I eat off plan, it's better quality stuff like fruit, low fat cheese sticks or occasional rice cakes or high fiber crackers.  I've been walking 5-6 times a week.  But my clothes don't feel different, so I suspect I'm maintaining a weight I don't want to be at.  Maybe not.  Maybe so.

Don't I sound balanced and grounded?  I'm even sick of myself right now, yet I can honestly say that as recently as Monday (yes, the one 2 days ago) I was feeling great - grateful, content, even enjoying my job!!!  If I wasn't 5 years post menopausal (maybe more) I'd think I had PMS.

My frustration with the men in the house is that they don't clean up the dishes like I do - or at all, as was the case this morning.  Feel free to glaze over and back slowly away from this post...but I need to vent.  There's a sequence of events leading to the morning violation of a sink full of dirty dishes and I need to splat it out somewhere!

Yesterday I left work at 3:30, visited a friend in the hospital, stopped at the grocery store, came home and never left the kitchen because I started dinner.  Then my boys (they're working together at a construction job temporarily) came in from work around 5:15 which was good, because they took the dog out in the yard and frisbee-ed with him for awhile.  Once back in, the dog was sitting on the mat by the door (only place he can sit in the kitchen and not slide as we have hardwood floors) and started making urping sounds like he was going to throw up.  I asked # 1 son to take him back out - son replied, "I'm watching him, I think he's just clearing his throat...", followed my more urping, and then predictably the dog threw up on the mat.  As my son is taking the mat and the dog outside, I told him he could toss the mat in the trash b/c it's old, has no grip on the bottom anymore, and is pretty ragged.

Now get son says, "See Mom, your generation needs to learn that things don't need to get thrown out just because they're old.  Things sit in landfills the kitchen brushes you throw out every week or so...".  At that point I should have just excused myself from the "conversation" (while I'm busily putting HIS dinner together), but I decided to continue on, boldly defending my "generation", my choices, and reminding him that when he has his own home, he can hang onto everything 'til the cows come home.  Become a hoarder, for Heaven's sake.  He was crabby, I was crabbier, and by the way - Hubby was playing golf, due home around 6:45 for the dinner that would be lovingly prepared by his witch of a wife.

Dinner was uneventful, but immediately following, the evening sports extravaganza began - hockey playoffs, Phillies, celebrity curling, for all I know;  so I went upstairs to read and watch "Say Yes To The Dress".  I left the dishes because generally, in our house, the cook doesn't do the dishes.  I fell asleep pretty early, and came downstairs this morning about 4:45 (my usual wake up time) to the kitchen in the same state as I'd left it - plus a few ice cream bowls for good measure.  Normally this would annoy me, but I'd just clean it up, smugly thinking that I do much better job of it anyway (like washing the dishes before they go in the dishwasher - I know - I'm nuts but no one has died from ptomaine in my house yet), and actually wiping down the counters...(what is it with males who don't clean the counters???at least the way I do???).  But today, I was just so majorly irritated that I donned my martyr role and wore it loudly and ridiculously, slamming pots and doors and making enough noise through my righteously indignant sighs alone to wake up my whole street.

Is this the stupidest post you've ever read?  I know, and I'm sorry.  I'm just in chronic whine mode (which is better than chronic WINE mode, trust me!), and not feeling great about myself.  I'm afraid to get on the scale and afraid to not.  I need to schedule a routine check up with my Primary, but I'm afraid my blood sugar or B/P will be bad, so I'm putting it off.  I'm avoiding facing myself where I am today, and fully aware of it which makes everything worse.  None of this is about my family, or other people, or dirty the very core it's about fear and resentment and wanting things to be other than how they are.  Fear - that I can't  get my weight loss and health act together.  Take steps that will benefit me in the now, as well as in the long run.  Fear of failure, fear of success.

Remember when I said that just 2 days ago (Monday), I was feeling so good?  Well, that was a temporary condition, because these concerns and issues of self care and making my appointments, submitting receipts for FSA reimbursements....all kinds of stuff, have been plaguing me for awhile.  I beat them back, but if they aren't just dealt with squarely, one at a time, they simmer and send up vapors into my psyche - eroding my well-being and making me feel out of control and powerless over everything.  I'm powerless over a lot of stuff, but not about doing the things I know I need to do.

Whew!  Maybe I don't feel better yet, but just getting all that out, in as random and hard-to-follow ranting as I did, will help. Sorry for the downer post, but every once in awhile, you just need to really dump it all.  I'm sure there's more, but this is enough for now.  If you made it through this whole post, better go take some Ibuprofen and lie down.  Or remove me from your blogroll!


  1. Boy, do I know this feeling. I hope you are feeling better - I've been in a "kick the dog" mood myself recently. Sing it loud and get it out!

  2. Oh that is so frustrating! And just think when they leave you might even miss their dirty dishes :) haha right! Health/Weight is always a weird thing. When you put in the work to be healthy, you want to see results too! Feeling good about your health is nice, but reaffirmation by the scale or pant size seems to be king. Gotta find a good balance. That balance is so far out of my reach right now, but I'm getting there! Hang in there girl!

  3. Oh, I'd want to choke those guys myself Leslie! Seriously, they're grown and ought to understand that the fact that you make their dinner is a privilege and not a right and in return they should thank you by cleaning up the kitchen. Dammit! (BTW Even Mr. Helen who does a great job of cleaning up never wipes down the counters or stove. Sigh.)

    There must be something in the air because I had a friend post on FB about how she caught her husband making only 'his' half of the bed. Grrrr.

    Other than that I'm sure your reaction to it is all the stuff underneath bubbling up and pushing you to martyrdom. Hope that getting all this out will help you to look at things more clearly and begin to act on those things you really need to.

  4. Your irritation about the dishes is not misplaced. My husband made a comment yesterday that makes me never want to do any of his laundry again lol. Hope the venting helped.
    The scale is irritating me lately too. Even though I'm doing the right things it keeps bouncing up and down in the same 3 lb range. I really want to throw the stupid thing out and just concentrate on maintaining a healthy lifestyle but I keep stepping on it and driving myself crazy.
    Hope the rest of your week is great!

  5. Awww sorry you're feeling blue my friend but it's totally justified and it happens to us all. We get tired of the mundane crap and living with messy boys etc. This is a great place to get it all out and for us to tell you that this will pass!! Put your foot down when you need to and let the rest float away. :)

  6. Well. First, what everyone else said!

    Second, quit apologizing for what you write on your own darn blog. I mean it, Leslie. You absolutely didn't need to make one apology for this post. As you can see by the above comments, we've all been there.

    Sometimes we can take annoying disregard and selfishness better than at other times. (For instance, if your son had taken the dog out when you asked, you wouldn't have had to decide whether or not the mat was worth cleaning dog barf off of it! grrr.)

    I remember back when I had PMS. I could tell it had arrived because I would hear myself make the "maid speech" in the most annoying voice. You know the speech--"That's okay. No one bother cleaning up. I forgot my place there for a minute, but I'll do it. After all, nothing but a maid here..."

    When I got to the word "maid" (which by that time all men had cleared the area and no longer heard me, anyway.) I'd stop and check the calendar. Sigh. Hormones.

    Thing is, their behavior WAS bad. I had just learned how to put up with it, except for those days when I didn't. :} I probably should never have put up with it at all rather than blaming myself when I couldn't.

    Well, anyway, you have my support. No one should be a saint every day. Not good for the menfolk to let them live in a fantasy world. :)

    Hugs, girlfriend.


    1. Thanks Deb - and I laughed when You said that I wouldn't have had to get to the "throw the mat away" part if he'd just done what I asked in the first place. Doh! Never thought of that.

  7. I just read something that I think applies here. It's from a friend of mine and this is her explaining why sulking is working for her today:

    "the one tiny little aspect of sulking that you can make work for you if you've decided that you absolutely must take this time to sulk IS if your sulky mood draws you inward to the root of what's really irking you. Know why? I'll tell you why: because then you are working out what's really going on inside you and once you identify the issue(s) you're all set up to deal with them. Of course you can sulk away and then put them back in the boo boo box to be taken out another day and while you're at it you can beat yourself up and lament the other things you aren't getting done. But if you want to make this sulking thing work out for you then give yourself the time to experience what's eating you and follow it to it's root then resolve to dig it out as best you can. That is how my sulking is working out for me today."


    1. Wow - thanks so much for sharing that, Karen. Good stuff. And my sulking IS continuing to bring me inward to the murky abyss within. I've committed to doing one thing on my long list of shoulda's today before I leave work.

  8. Hey, venting here is better than beating that dead horse at home...unfortunately, some things never change, no matter how old our children get (mine turn into 10-year-olds the instant they come through the front door - and I know that they don't live in squalor at their apartments...why at home???)(sorry, just needed to do some empathy venting I guess) - the dishes are a symptom. And knowing the underlying causes doesn't mean that you can stop those feelings. Sigh. It's gonna take some action on your part, and I know all too well how that whole "paralysis by analysis" works. Hugs and hang in there. And vent away as often as you need - it's your blog and your place to do what you want!

  9. When I start feeling like that, it's usually because I'm overwhelmed, and usually for good reason. It sounds like youu have a lot on your mind and also a lot of things that you need to take care of right now. doesn't sound like anyone is really helping you out--but as a wife and mom, it sounds familiar, I'm sorry to say.

    I understand husbands and kids (sort of). When they're in your house, they revert to their old behaviors so often, and I had to laugh at Helen's comment about Mr. H's not wiping down the stove and counters. He must have taken lessons from my husband, because he uses the same cleaning method.

    I usually have a "heart-to-heart" with my husband and try to help him understand (they really can be clueless). He is more direct with the kids than I am (really poor communication on my part), and they respond more positively. Sometimes I think I need to learn to tell people what I want!!! Men do it all the time.

    I'm glad you feel as though you can vent on your blog! Hope things are better soon.

  10. Oh you are preaching to the choir! My husband rarely cleans the counters. But what kills me most is that he doesn't do the simple act of rinsing the sink after himself. If he did that (2 seconds) then the food crud wouldn't stick requiring ME (since he'd never) to clean it over and over again. This one drives me crazy but he gets so mad when I say anything about it that I am working hard to zip my lip:(

  11. I tell my family, "If anyone ever tries to pretend they are me and, because we both look so much alike you can't tell who is REAL Lucy, the one who doesn't care if the counters are cleaned, that's the FAKE one! Clean the Damn Counters!" LOL!

  12. Empathy, girl, I have empathy! You know, I wrote a post that was almost exactly what you said about my slobby family!

    :-) Marion

  13. I love your brain dumps...many times it fascinates me how much they match mine, lol. I told you before that we're twins. I love that I'm not alone in my chaos. :) Big Hugs!!!!

  14. when it is something like that (which bugs me and everyone knows what is supposed to be done), things at my house magically disappear.

    I had that happen with sauce/dip bowls a couple weeks ago. Nothing is worse to clean than dried on ranch dressing or ketchup.

    I cleaned every single one and then 'put them away' where they were not easily found. I don't say a word, they just disappeared. Very effective. When someone finally asked me about them, I told them what I had done and that the next time I found them caked on/dried, they were going in the garbage.

    I am not picky. Do not imagine an immaculate kitchen because it is not. But those darned little bowls bug the day lights out of me.

    Whistles blown in the house meet untimely disappearances also.

    The boys probably feel like they are on vacation.

    Get paper plates.

    1. Love this Vickie, and while I didn't mention it in my post, a few things have disappeared that weren't being dealt with as I wanted! ;)

  15. Oh Leslie I am laughing out loud only because I nearly had a melt down the other day because of a very similar situation at my house. I hate to come down stairs in the morning and find the sink full of dirty dishes! It is my pet peeve and everyone knows it but lately it has happened several times and I nearly lost it the other day.

    No one in my house thinks about soap and water to wash down the counter tops except me. It makes me crazy!

    Vent all you want - you will get a lot of sympathy from the rest of us!