Major Brain Dump Ahead

WARNING:  I'm in a mood....

I'm posting today because I want to connect, but I'm sort of at a loss for what to chat about.  I've been in a bit of a funk - nothing serious.  It's really more feeling very annoyed, taken advantage of, and put upon by my husband and 2 sons who are currently living at home (but won't be for much longer, and then I'll be missing them like crazy =O )!  I have to note that they really haven't done anything wrong, and a lot of this spring of my discontent is rooted in my own squirrel-i-ness with myself, I guess.  More on that in a minute...

I haven't weighed for about 2 weeks...again because I think I'm doing well and really can't deal with the mental masturbation that the scale evokes, esp. when  I've been doing pretty well, having mostly good days.  I haven't had any binges, and when I eat off plan, it's better quality stuff like fruit, low fat cheese sticks or occasional rice cakes or high fiber crackers.  I've been walking 5-6 times a week.  But my clothes don't feel different, so I suspect I'm maintaining a weight I don't want to be at.  Maybe not.  Maybe so.

Don't I sound balanced and grounded?  I'm even sick of myself right now, yet I can honestly say that as recently as Monday (yes, the one 2 days ago) I was feeling great - grateful, content, even enjoying my job!!!  If I wasn't 5 years post menopausal (maybe more) I'd think I had PMS.

My frustration with the men in the house is that they don't clean up the dishes like I do - or at all, as was the case this morning.  Feel free to glaze over and back slowly away from this post...but I need to vent.  There's a sequence of events leading to the morning violation of a sink full of dirty dishes and I need to splat it out somewhere!

Yesterday I left work at 3:30, visited a friend in the hospital, stopped at the grocery store, came home and never left the kitchen because I started dinner.  Then my boys (they're working together at a construction job temporarily) came in from work around 5:15 which was good, because they took the dog out in the yard and frisbee-ed with him for awhile.  Once back in, the dog was sitting on the mat by the door (only place he can sit in the kitchen and not slide as we have hardwood floors) and started making urping sounds like he was going to throw up.  I asked # 1 son to take him back out - son replied, "I'm watching him, I think he's just clearing his throat...", followed my more urping, and then predictably the dog threw up on the mat.  As my son is taking the mat and the dog outside, I told him he could toss the mat in the trash b/c it's old, has no grip on the bottom anymore, and is pretty ragged.

Now get this...my son says, "See Mom, your generation needs to learn that things don't need to get thrown out just because they're old.  Things sit in landfills forever...like the kitchen brushes you throw out every week or so...".  At that point I should have just excused myself from the "conversation" (while I'm busily putting HIS dinner together), but I decided to continue on, boldly defending my "generation", my choices, and reminding him that when he has his own home, he can hang onto everything 'til the cows come home.  Become a hoarder, for Heaven's sake.  He was crabby, I was crabbier, and by the way - Hubby was playing golf, due home around 6:45 for the dinner that would be lovingly prepared by his witch of a wife.

Dinner was uneventful, but immediately following, the evening sports extravaganza began - hockey playoffs, Phillies, celebrity curling, for all I know;  so I went upstairs to read and watch "Say Yes To The Dress".  I left the dishes because generally, in our house, the cook doesn't do the dishes.  I fell asleep pretty early, and came downstairs this morning about 4:45 (my usual wake up time) to the kitchen in the same state as I'd left it - plus a few ice cream bowls for good measure.  Normally this would annoy me, but I'd just clean it up, smugly thinking that I do much better job of it anyway (like washing the dishes before they go in the dishwasher - I know - I'm nuts but no one has died from ptomaine in my house yet), and actually wiping down the counters...(what is it with males who don't clean the counters???at least the way I do???).  But today, I was just so majorly irritated that I donned my martyr role and wore it loudly and ridiculously, slamming pots and doors and making enough noise through my righteously indignant sighs alone to wake up my whole street.

Is this the stupidest post you've ever read?  I know, and I'm sorry.  I'm just in chronic whine mode (which is better than chronic WINE mode, trust me!), and not feeling great about myself.  I'm afraid to get on the scale and afraid to not.  I need to schedule a routine check up with my Primary, but I'm afraid my blood sugar or B/P will be bad, so I'm putting it off.  I'm avoiding facing myself where I am today, and fully aware of it which makes everything worse.  None of this is about my family, or other people, or dirty dishes...at the very core it's about fear and resentment and wanting things to be other than how they are.  Fear - that I can't  get my weight loss and health act together.  Take steps that will benefit me in the now, as well as in the long run.  Fear of failure, fear of success.

Remember when I said that just 2 days ago (Monday), I was feeling so good?  Well, that was a temporary condition, because these concerns and issues of self care and making my appointments, submitting receipts for FSA reimbursements....all kinds of stuff, have been plaguing me for awhile.  I beat them back, but if they aren't just dealt with squarely, one at a time, they simmer and send up vapors into my psyche - eroding my well-being and making me feel out of control and powerless over everything.  I'm powerless over a lot of stuff, but not about doing the things I know I need to do.

Whew!  Maybe I don't feel better yet, but just getting all that out, in as random and hard-to-follow ranting as I did, will help. Sorry for the downer post, but every once in awhile, you just need to really dump it all.  I'm sure there's more, but this is enough for now.  If you made it through this whole post, better go take some Ibuprofen and lie down.  Or remove me from your blogroll!