Wednesday, October 17, 2012

MIA does not = Mojo Is Absent

How ridiculous is that post title??  Hahahaha - when I saw the title of my last post as I went to write today after being missing in action for a few days, my mind seized, trying to be clever.  It doesn't take much to entertain my 59 y/o addled brain.  I can't believe my chronological age, given that I'm so youthful and forward thinking...

Anyway - having not posted in no way indicates that I haven't been hanging in and enjoying that my mojo is still working!  I've now tracked 11 straight days (some kind of personal record) and only gone over my daily calorie allotments twice, once for less than 50 cals, and once for (I think) about 140.  I'm also really back in the swing of early morning exercise, though yesterday was raining and today I slept in because I got so hyped up watching the debate last night that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight.  Very rare for me these days.

I'm aware that I'm afraid to get on the scale, because I have to have lost a bit, but my expectations of how much, no matter how hard I try not to have them, can really mess with my mind.  This is a lifelong pattern, folks, and it isn't going away.  I definitely am fitting in to a couple pairs of long pants that I wouldn't have 2 months ago (didn't try then because it was too hot), so for now I'm going to trust my instincts and my self awareness and just smile at the scale each morning.  I contemplate it daily, and the thought quickens my heart rate and threads of anxiety begin to stir.  Crazy, yes.  It's part of my disordered relationship with and thinking about food and weight.

Following is a glimpse into destructive thinking patterns in myself I've known and hated:

      If I step on the scale and it says I've lost 2 pounds, I'll be majorly irritated because I think it will be more.        So it will derail me in some twisted way.  Or, if I've lost 5 pounds, it'll so inflate my sense of well being that I'll try to cut back my intake so as to hasten the process.  Of course it won't be long before I feel deprived (which I really haven't felt so far) and I'll eat an extra snack, or larger portions...which will result in me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself and then the ruinous snowballing back to bingeing is likely to ensue.  Or,  losing 5 pounds will make me think of taking a day off from tracking, choosing wisely...whatever, because "I can afford it for one day."

Yes - that is but a glimpse of the permutations and insanity that I've experienced over the years.  I know this, and I am finally accepting that I'll have these tendencies forever.  Like working with my alcoholism and finding lasting recovery, I know that getting better is possible and likely, but not if I forget who I am and what I'm dealing with having a disordered "thinker" when it comes to food and alcohol.

Well.  I intended to just say I'm still hanging in with MFP and tracking, but I guess I needed to say more!  This is a good place to be honest and get it out, so my head isn't swarming with unproductive or even destructive thoughts.  I'm feeling and optimistic.  Today.  That's enough.


  1. Glad to hear your chugging along. I have the same type of relationship with the metal monster. I recently read a post from a guy on MFP that I thought was interesting

  2. Leslie, you and I could share a brain when it comes to the scale. I'm nodding my head in agreement while reading what you wrote - add to that "but I ran XX miles!" and not get the scale to show what I *think* it should, and yep...there I am. My advice is to continue avoiding the scale. Don't let it be the arbitrator of you. Keep doing the next right thing (which you are - GO LESLIE!!!) and you'll get there - wherever "there" might be.

  3. I am the same way with the scale Leslie - I think it "owes" me when I've done well, and when it doesn't show my effort, I think "fuck it" and go get the Cheez-Itz! :(

    11 days of tracking? So proud of you!!

  4. Being aware of the internal thought process is incredibly important! Good for you. Keep going strong!

  5. I have had some of the same reactions to the what the scale says. Yes, it's better to stay off it for now. You are doing great - keep on keeping on.