Monday, April 15, 2013

Surrender to win

Brief post today, but I have to share my ELATION about my type 2 journey.  I had a good weekend - lots of exercise, clean eating, connections with friends...all stuff that would be great on its own.  But I had a huge surprise this morning.  Actually a shock - my fasting blood sugar was 90.  Ninety!  That's entirely in the normal range.  Not borderline range...NORMAL.

Don't worry, I know I'm not normal and never will be.  But I've been diligent and committed in the last 6 weeks (since my Ground Zero experience), and the number has come down steadily.  It's always going to be up and down, but I know at a deep level that it hasn't been at a normal number, even for a day, in a very long time.  VERY.  My Hgb A1C was proof of that.

I can't know for sure because I was too afraid to know.  Too ashamed to own a "fat person's disease" (in my mind only), too ashamed to go into a store with a prescription for a glucometer because "they" (the pharmacy staff?  people in line?  WTF?) would know I had a problem.  Like anyone couldn't look at me and suspect I was a walking mass of simple processed carbohydrates, not that what anyone else thinks matters. Except it does, of course.  But taken to the extreme, that shame and denial was keeping me sick, sluggish and sloppy.  Hmm - the 3 S's of denial?  They fit for me, which may just be a topic for another post.

My greatest shame/fear has become my greatest asset.  This is a widely discussed phenomenon in AA.  As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change.  I sit here today and tell you that I didn't have a light bulb moment.  I didn't hear a message emanate from a burning bush.  I wasn't aware of hitting a bottom, because I'd been dwelling on the bottom (and feeding there) for so long.  I'm beginning to suspect that the grace of God has something to do with this, because I couldn't do it for my whole life.  I know that I was able to get and stay sober by this same grace, but had begun to suspect that was all I'd get, and that I'd have to muster up the where-with-all to get healthy and lose weight on my own.

I'm not going all religious here, but I do believe in a spiritual reality(that I call God) that moves among us and is present always.  This is my many years in AA coming through.  I've seen devout agnostics and atheists relieved of the obsession for alcohol after years of devastating drinking, without any concrete belief in any specific deity or doctrine.  And of course, many who are devout in their beliefs as well.  But my current state just couldn't have come from me, because I've been trying, wishing, hoping, and praying for a lifting of my food obsessive behaviors and drives for years.

Another AA saying I've heard a lot over the years but never felt it apply to me, even with my long-term sobriety, is "Surrender to Win".  I didn't even get what it really meant, but I do now.  Accepting (and surrendering to) my type 2 diabetes has given me tools and capabilities I didn't have before.   I see it as a gift, just like my alcoholism has been a gift.  All I can say is that I'm grateful.  The type 2, or I, may all go to hell in a hand basket tomorrow, but for today I'm good.  And happy to be in awe of a fasting blood sugar of 90!

14 comments:

  1. "As long as denial, shame, fear, terror, self hatred, etc. keep us stuck in negative drain-circling behavior, nothing can change."

    I have a blogger friend who finally accepted surrender, with food, last fall and the change has been remarkable. I think of it as she is finally SANE.

    I always love your AA posts.

    I am glad you have finally accepted this as it applies to food. Very good post.

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  2. You can certainly get all religious with me (about this or anything else)! I totally agree in all regards. And I'm SO happy for you that you've unlocked the key to your success! Congrats!

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  3. Ah Leslie, your elation is leaping off the page! So happy for you - what you are doing is working, and I'll bet there's so much relief in not only that, but feeling better, too. Rock on, my friend!

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  4. I'm so happy for you, but you're the one who made it happen! You had a choice and you made the right one. Cheering for you...

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  5. YES!!! I'm so happy to hear how well you are doing. You totally took control and made it happen - no one but you. You should be so proud!!

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  8. Congratulations Leslie! Has it really been 6 weeks already?!

    Yes, I sometimes say that the reason I was able to finally lose the weight was a bloomin' miracle. Now that I think of it, another reason WAS surrender. I said that I finally realized I needed help.

    I'm anxious to hear what your doctor thinks. I bet they'll be thrilled!

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  9. That is an awesome number!! Sadly, without insulin, diet and exercise are really the only way to manage your diabetes. Once I was put on insulin when the meds clearly were not working anymore, the first thing I said was "I can have two pieces of pizza because I can just take more insulin!" Which obviously resulted in a 30 pound gain in 2 years. :D

    So happy for you!!

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  10. I added the numbers for dal + chicken so you could better visualize it.

    Dal numbers (protein, carbs, fiber) are better than most any other starch I have seen.

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  11. Also, I have been posting my food logs all this week. I really watch my ratios (carbs, fat, protein) within total calories. My sheet shows the ratios with and then without fiber (without is how it is actually calculated). Would never know I had been insulin resistant to look at my blood work now, I eat carefully to keep it that way. I also have to watch my sodium carefully. And cholesterol. My good cholesterol is now actually higher than my bad, which amuses me to no end because most medical people have never seen that before . . .

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  13. Wow, blood sugar is 90 thats awesome, congrats :) I'm not religious at all but I am spiritual and I love the saying 'let go and let God'.

    http://31dayfatlosscurereviewssite.com/

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  14. Where you been lately? Please post and let us know what's new :)

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