Don't faint - I'm still here, still alive, still reading, but haven't posted much. I thought by doing a post with "Part Une" in the title in early January, I could peer pressure myself into posting sooner that I have. It's been almost 2 months, and while the scary and unexpected things about the holidays I alluded to in my last post have settled down, I just haven't felt like putting figurative pen to paper. But I need to.
I think I overwhelmed myself by saying I'd post shortly about the other "big event" that shook up our family holiday gatherings (besides my FIL's passing, which I did write about) - though it didn't begin unfolding (quietly and seemingly innocently) until Christmas Eve. That day, nor in the next few, I had no idea that odd things were brewing in my middle child, Stephen, and neither did he, though he did start noting some weird physical sensations to me. Being a nurse, the vague symptoms sounded potentially concerning, but easily explained away by recent physical activity he'd engaged in. Being a recovering catastrophizer, I kept telling myself to calm down and stop always going to a bad or worst case scenario. But a few days in, it became clear something real was happening.
The day after Christmas, Steve said the bottoms of his feet felt numb and tingly. Also that his calves were very painful, but we attributed it to the fact that he'd gone out a run a couple of miles in the freezing cold (and he doesn't run), just for exercise. Concerning the numbness, I asked if it was really both feet, and he said yes. A wisp of adrenalin puffed into my gut, because as a nurse, I know bilateral neurological stuff is significant. But I reminded myself to not get crazy or worried over essentially nothing. He didn't mention it again for a day or so, but then he told me that his finger tips were tingly and numb, and his arms ached. "Both arms?" Yep. Shit, more bilateral symptomology. More adrenalin. More talking myself off the cliff. Yet he could move everything fine. "How are your legs and feet?" His answer was, "Probably worse." I told him I was going to make a doctor appointment for him the next day, and he told me to not be ridiculous. HAH!
By now it was New Year's Eve, after 3 p.m., so I figured we'd deal with it, if necessary, on Wednesday, which was Jan. 2nd. Well. That night, he had friends over, which he later confessed was because he felt too weird and crappy to go anywhere. I was asleep by 9:30 while hubby lay next to me and watched the various NYE's going ons on tv. Tuesday morning I was out of the house by 6:30 to go to a 7 a.m. AA meeting and then breakfast with friends (New Year's Day), and when I walked into the house at 9:45, my husband called out that Steve's "medical condition" had gotten worse. I flew into the den, and Stephen was sitting there looking entirely pissed off with Tom (hubby), and told me to disregard what "Dad just said". I asked what was going on, and it turns out his face was feeling "wooden", his tongue was "thick" and he was having a hard time swallowing food. His speech was even slightly slurry.
Into HIGH GEAR - I said we were going to the ER. Stephen said no. I said that I'd call 911, and he said for me to go ahead but that he wasn't going, and then I SCREAMED, "GET YOUR SHOES ON...WE'RE GOING NOW"... and off we went - me driving, Tom next to me telling me to slow down while Stephen reminded me I wasn't driving an ambulance. I was terrified, even though Steve could walk, he was definitely having some kind of neurological event. What it turned out to be had actually occurred to me a couple of days earlier, but is such a rare thing that I was sure my mind was being crazy.
He got taken back quickly, and at this point I will try to make a very long story less long by saying that he had a million tests. All blood tests and CT scan of the head were normal. And then a neurologist was called in, and that man will be my hero forever. He did a full neurological exam on Stephen (with me present, since Steve said it was okay), checking reflexes, strength, asking countless detailed questions. It was during this exam where I became the most scared, terrified really, because I could this doctor was sharp, good, and knew his stuff. I knew this doctor would figure out what it was, and that was both terrifying and reassuring.
After he finished the exam, he told Steve that based on everything up to that point, he felt fairly confident that what Stephen had was Guillain Barre Syndrome. This is a very rare condition that you can read a brief description of if you click the link. Essentially it's an auto-immune response where the body begins attacking the nerves as the exit from the spinal cord. Cause is unknown, but it often occurs after a respiratory infection or receiving a flu shot. If you've ever gotten a flu shot, you've seen the condition listed in the consent form you sign prior to getting the vaccine. I won't go into all the details of this, except to say that it's considered a medical emergency because it is a progressive paralysis that can (but does not in 70% of cases) actually cause a paralysis of the chest muscles that aid in breathing. It can very in intensity and seriousness, and in worst cases, can actually (though rarely) cause death.
After the doc told Steve what he thought his condition was, he said that the diagnosis was confirmed by a spinal tap and looking at the spinal fluid under a microscope. The presence of protein in the fluid is the only way to definitively know for sure. You can imagine that Stephen was thrilled to hear that, but was a champ for the procedure. We had to wait a couple of hours for the result, and while we waited, Steve researched the condition on his phone, and his symptoms were essentially a textbook definition of the disease. Fortunately this condition is treatable, and in the majority of cases, the patient recovers fully.
Turns out, if you hadn't guessed or aren't friends on Facebook, that Stephen did have GBS, and ended up spending 4 days in the hospital in ICU (because he had to be monitored during treatments and for possible chest involvement), for the condition. It seemed that his symptoms had peaked by the time we got to the ER, because he never got worse. During his time in the hospital, his facial involvement (recall his lips feeling wooden, face stiff, etc) made it hard for him to even use a straw because he couldn't seal his lips around it. Crazy, huh? Yet he could always walk pretty well (though his legs also felt "wooden") and really never lost motor function. Most of his symptoms were more on the sensory end of the nervous system - more what he felt and sensed, rather than how he moved. There is so much more about all this that I won't bore you with (probably too late for that!), but he did well in the hospital, got fantastic care, had lots of company, and tolerated the treatments well. After discharge he ended up staying home for an extra 3 weeks before going back to working on his cousin's farm in Kentucky.
So this all happened while our daughter Jean and her boyfriend Cesar were here for the holidays. Obviously it sort of changed a lot of our plans, but Jean and Cesar shifted gears and hung out with Steve in the hospital, and we still had a good time together. We were all so thankful that Stephen seemed to have a mild case of this syndrome. It all felt quite surreal, and while we were relieved that his diagnosis turned out to be something entirely treatable and one from which he will fully recover, it definitely was a very scary experience. Stephen soldiered through well - Mom, not so much. On the surface I kicked into competent nurse/mom mode, grateful, optimistic, and the family spokesperson. Inside my tendency to catastrophize and be anxious got very triggered, and I'm still working on regrouping, almost 10 weeks later.
I talked to Stephen on Saturday, and he says he feels pretty good. He still tires more easily - especially in his arms and legs, and he has the tingling fingers and soles of feet when he first wakes each day. But after moving around a bit, he says he feels pretty normal. We are so grateful that this happened while he was at home, rather than while he was at the farm. The doc said we caught it earlier than a lot of folks do, and that will further ensure eventual full recovery.
I'm sorry for this long post. Believe when I say it could be MUCH longer, but if I want to publish it before midnight, I have to keep it brief! Or at least less than a novella.
My food/weight/eating is in about the same place it's been for many months. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost. Up and down between 5 pounds. I'd like to say I'm ready to get this weight off once and for all, and of course I am. But I don't seem to ready to do what it's going to take, which is get consistent about it.
Writing all this has been exhausting to my emotional reserves - so I'm not even going to proof it. I intend, hope, and plan to get back to more frequent blogging, but I've said that before. But at least I've posted once a month, so far, in 2013!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Holiday Chronicles part une
I hope everyone had a good set of end-of-the-year-holidays - I've been reading my top ten, plus a few other blogs, throughout and it seems most all of you survived them just fine - many thrived. And staying in touch with the blog world, whether by just reading or occasionally commenting, has been one of the activities that enabled me to stay grounded throughout.
The reason I am posting is because I need to write - about a lot of what our season was like. And when I came to my blog, the template looked dark and depressing to me me, so I did a quick change. Hopefully I can fine tune and add some creativity to it, but being a world class non-techie makes that unlikely. I need someone to sit down with me and show me how to do stuff. Once I learn, I don't forget, and can figure other stuff out. But original blog pages apparently aren't my forte.
Our holidays, starting with Thanksgiving, have been a true mixed bag - wonderful connections with family throughout, but a couple of medical issues arising at the beginning (Thanksgiving night) and at the end (New Years Day) have definitely left this blogger reeling. I won't get to all of it today in hopes of keeping your eyes from bleeding, but will at least talk a little about the big stuff.
The first big thing was Thanksgiving. For the first time since becoming parents, we had no children at home - 2 out of the country, and our middle son Stephen living and working on a farm in Berea, Kentucky. The farm is owned by his cousin and her husband, and with it being a 10 hour drive and his plan of coming home for Christmas, he stayed and enjoyed the holiday with some extended family. Tom and I were alone, but thanks to several invites from friends were able to cherry pick from the appetizing menu of wonderful people with whom to share the holiday meal. (You know the cherry picker was me, btw. Tom was happy to go anywhere.)
Before we left for our friends that afternoon, Tom's mom in Atlanta called, and reported her hubby, Tom's dad (Tom Sr.) was not feeling well and wanted to ask her "nurse daughter in law" for advice (from 700 miles away?). At 94 and 9/12, Tom Sr. was beginning to really show the ravages of age. While his mind remained sharp, other things like balance, swallowing, and speaking had become diminished, and that day certain symptoms became more pronounced and alarming. To shorten this story significantly, he ended up being 911d to the hospital that night, and several issues were diagnosed that hadn't been identified before. He did a few days in the hospital, then a week in a rehab where he was utterly miserable and kept saying he was "ready to go", and finally ended up in a hospice facility where he was able to be kept comfortable, literally surrounded by family, until he peacefully passed away on December 15.
My Tom(Jr) made 2 different trips down at various points along this 3 week period, and felt fortunate to be there during his dad's last days. Virtually all the family besides us live in or much closer to Atlanta, so there was much family camaraderie, connection, love, sharing of memories throughout. Our daughter from the Dominican Republic was able to fly into Atlanta a few days prior to what she'd originally planned to do with her soon to be fiance, and was able to see Papa before he passed. The memorial service for Tom Sr. was on Saturday afternoon of December 22, so I flew down early that morning and back home the next day to get ready for Christmas and the family company we were having. (As I write all this, I realize the huge gaps of significant stuff that are too much for a blog post...but maybe this text will serve as a starting point for me to document it more fully for our family and who knows what else later.) The service was lovely - with a great turnout of family and friends - and children of their friends. There was a very lively reception at the church after, and then a big family gathering at the home of one of my father in law's nieces that went on til about 11 that night. By 5 am the next morning, I was at the airport to return to Philly. Quite a whirlwind, literally and emotionally.
Anyway - while it was of course a very sad occasion, it was also a celebration of my father in law's full life and remarkable health and hardiness well beyond that of most 90 plus folks. He was able to keep up with golf, bridge (played a couple of days at his club before his final trip out of their home) and stayed interested in politics and other news currents as well. Life really didn't owe him much at all, and it was clear he passed peacefully and with full knowledge of how fortunate and blessed he'd been. I hope he also knew how utterly adored and esteemed he was by his kids and grandkids. He'd led the typical imperfect human life, and there were things about which he had a hard time self forgiving. You know - like almost every person who has walked the face of the earth.
I'm going to stop now because my son Stephen just woke up and we're going to meet one of his friends at a local museum. He figures very significantly in this story and I will need to gather my emotional resources for the retelling of what is still unfolding.
And by the way...Happy Belated New Year.
The reason I am posting is because I need to write - about a lot of what our season was like. And when I came to my blog, the template looked dark and depressing to me me, so I did a quick change. Hopefully I can fine tune and add some creativity to it, but being a world class non-techie makes that unlikely. I need someone to sit down with me and show me how to do stuff. Once I learn, I don't forget, and can figure other stuff out. But original blog pages apparently aren't my forte.
Our holidays, starting with Thanksgiving, have been a true mixed bag - wonderful connections with family throughout, but a couple of medical issues arising at the beginning (Thanksgiving night) and at the end (New Years Day) have definitely left this blogger reeling. I won't get to all of it today in hopes of keeping your eyes from bleeding, but will at least talk a little about the big stuff.
The first big thing was Thanksgiving. For the first time since becoming parents, we had no children at home - 2 out of the country, and our middle son Stephen living and working on a farm in Berea, Kentucky. The farm is owned by his cousin and her husband, and with it being a 10 hour drive and his plan of coming home for Christmas, he stayed and enjoyed the holiday with some extended family. Tom and I were alone, but thanks to several invites from friends were able to cherry pick from the appetizing menu of wonderful people with whom to share the holiday meal. (You know the cherry picker was me, btw. Tom was happy to go anywhere.)
Before we left for our friends that afternoon, Tom's mom in Atlanta called, and reported her hubby, Tom's dad (Tom Sr.) was not feeling well and wanted to ask her "nurse daughter in law" for advice (from 700 miles away?). At 94 and 9/12, Tom Sr. was beginning to really show the ravages of age. While his mind remained sharp, other things like balance, swallowing, and speaking had become diminished, and that day certain symptoms became more pronounced and alarming. To shorten this story significantly, he ended up being 911d to the hospital that night, and several issues were diagnosed that hadn't been identified before. He did a few days in the hospital, then a week in a rehab where he was utterly miserable and kept saying he was "ready to go", and finally ended up in a hospice facility where he was able to be kept comfortable, literally surrounded by family, until he peacefully passed away on December 15.
My Tom(Jr) made 2 different trips down at various points along this 3 week period, and felt fortunate to be there during his dad's last days. Virtually all the family besides us live in or much closer to Atlanta, so there was much family camaraderie, connection, love, sharing of memories throughout. Our daughter from the Dominican Republic was able to fly into Atlanta a few days prior to what she'd originally planned to do with her soon to be fiance, and was able to see Papa before he passed. The memorial service for Tom Sr. was on Saturday afternoon of December 22, so I flew down early that morning and back home the next day to get ready for Christmas and the family company we were having. (As I write all this, I realize the huge gaps of significant stuff that are too much for a blog post...but maybe this text will serve as a starting point for me to document it more fully for our family and who knows what else later.) The service was lovely - with a great turnout of family and friends - and children of their friends. There was a very lively reception at the church after, and then a big family gathering at the home of one of my father in law's nieces that went on til about 11 that night. By 5 am the next morning, I was at the airport to return to Philly. Quite a whirlwind, literally and emotionally.
Anyway - while it was of course a very sad occasion, it was also a celebration of my father in law's full life and remarkable health and hardiness well beyond that of most 90 plus folks. He was able to keep up with golf, bridge (played a couple of days at his club before his final trip out of their home) and stayed interested in politics and other news currents as well. Life really didn't owe him much at all, and it was clear he passed peacefully and with full knowledge of how fortunate and blessed he'd been. I hope he also knew how utterly adored and esteemed he was by his kids and grandkids. He'd led the typical imperfect human life, and there were things about which he had a hard time self forgiving. You know - like almost every person who has walked the face of the earth.
I'm going to stop now because my son Stephen just woke up and we're going to meet one of his friends at a local museum. He figures very significantly in this story and I will need to gather my emotional resources for the retelling of what is still unfolding.
And by the way...Happy Belated New Year.
Friday, November 16, 2012
I haven't been under a rock...
I'm not feeling the blog much at all these days, but I am reading my favorites. I'm tired of focusing here mainly on weight and food, so I may actually change things up in the coming weeks and reformat. There is so much more in my life than weight/food/eating, and I don't think there is an original thought to be parsed by me on the subject. I've analyzed my addictive nature down to the atomic level. I'm making genuine progress for now.
That said, I do want to touch base and report that I am still logging my food and exercise on My Fitness Pal daily. It's a great tool for me - who'd'a'thunk? And the main thing I want to say is that I've lost 8 pounds since I began logging. But on MFP, I have only lost 1.5 lbs because after I first entered all my data back in early September, I didn't really begin logging consistently until October sometime, and in that period of time, I managed to gain 6.5 pounds over my recorded weight, and never went back in to change it. So until I actually lost from my original number, I didn't update my poundage. That happened this past Sunday, and I was delighted and motivated and have been doing even better since.
I'm absolutely choosing meals and snacks according to calorie content. For example, I developed a passionate love affair with Edy's Slow Churned Pumpkin Ice Cream that has 90 calories per 1/2 cup this fall. But I never want that piddly amount - so I'd have 1.5 cups for 270. But then I discovered that I could have a 6 oz carton of a Chobani flavor (strawberry is my fave) at 140 calories, top it with 2 Tbs. of Trader Joes Low Sugar Apricot Orange Spread for 60 calories - totalling 200, and I love it. It's positively decadent, and enabled me to stop buying the ice cream. More protein, more flavor, and 70 calories less.
It seems so simple, and yet I am steadily and slowly coming down the scale. I'm not being perfect, but I'm doing much better than I have in a long time, and seeing the results and feeling my clothes loosening is motivating me. I have to be careful not get into the crazy thinking of, "How can I speed this up...?", which is part of my disordered thinking around food. It can be a fine line between "easy does it" and insanity, and I still harbor doubts as to whether this moderate approach and slow progress can continue. As I always say, keep it in today only, because that is the only place I can take action.
How's that for not talking about food and such? As long as I have this blog - reformatted or not, I will update my progress from time to time. I always feel such support and kindness from bloggers that I want to stay accountable to my core issue for which I've gotten so much help here!
Last night I saw Denzel Washington's new movie "Flight", and was crying like a baby at the end. It's hard to watch in places, but well worth it, well done, well cast, and gripping. A very accurate portrayal of the behaviors and egocentrism that accompany alcoholism. Highly recommended.
Have a good weekend all - and if I don't post next week, have a Happy and love filled Thanksgiving.
That said, I do want to touch base and report that I am still logging my food and exercise on My Fitness Pal daily. It's a great tool for me - who'd'a'thunk? And the main thing I want to say is that I've lost 8 pounds since I began logging. But on MFP, I have only lost 1.5 lbs because after I first entered all my data back in early September, I didn't really begin logging consistently until October sometime, and in that period of time, I managed to gain 6.5 pounds over my recorded weight, and never went back in to change it. So until I actually lost from my original number, I didn't update my poundage. That happened this past Sunday, and I was delighted and motivated and have been doing even better since.
I'm absolutely choosing meals and snacks according to calorie content. For example, I developed a passionate love affair with Edy's Slow Churned Pumpkin Ice Cream that has 90 calories per 1/2 cup this fall. But I never want that piddly amount - so I'd have 1.5 cups for 270. But then I discovered that I could have a 6 oz carton of a Chobani flavor (strawberry is my fave) at 140 calories, top it with 2 Tbs. of Trader Joes Low Sugar Apricot Orange Spread for 60 calories - totalling 200, and I love it. It's positively decadent, and enabled me to stop buying the ice cream. More protein, more flavor, and 70 calories less.
It seems so simple, and yet I am steadily and slowly coming down the scale. I'm not being perfect, but I'm doing much better than I have in a long time, and seeing the results and feeling my clothes loosening is motivating me. I have to be careful not get into the crazy thinking of, "How can I speed this up...?", which is part of my disordered thinking around food. It can be a fine line between "easy does it" and insanity, and I still harbor doubts as to whether this moderate approach and slow progress can continue. As I always say, keep it in today only, because that is the only place I can take action.
How's that for not talking about food and such? As long as I have this blog - reformatted or not, I will update my progress from time to time. I always feel such support and kindness from bloggers that I want to stay accountable to my core issue for which I've gotten so much help here!
Last night I saw Denzel Washington's new movie "Flight", and was crying like a baby at the end. It's hard to watch in places, but well worth it, well done, well cast, and gripping. A very accurate portrayal of the behaviors and egocentrism that accompany alcoholism. Highly recommended.
Have a good weekend all - and if I don't post next week, have a Happy and love filled Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sifting out destructive thinking
Just a quick post here to say I'm still hanging in with tracking and such. I've missed a couple of days of completing my logging from dinner and after in the last week. No excuses, and I don't need scolding. I know what I need to do and what is working well right now. I'm enjoying tracking, and actually seeing how it continually impacts my choices, and also my exercise consistency. I'm not perfect yet by any stretch, but I'm getting it slowly and surely. I will admit that the two days I didn't complete tracking happened when I made a choice to indulge in something that would catapult me more than 300 calories over my daily allotment. Again - I don't need scolding. I know my BS factor kicks in and that's why I'm acknowledging it. I want to clean this up to 100% of the time, but my overall ratio of "good" days to "less good" days has improved dramatically. And I have certainly tracked on days when I'm over - but not too over. I need to Sift Out the Leslie Factor (the title of my someday memoir!) in order to keep moving in the right direction.
We were extremely lucky with the storm - didn't lose power, and only lost cable for about 6 hours. Directly across the street from us, the entire side of the street has been without power since Monday at midnight. And it seems that the devastation at the Jersey Shore, New York, and other north east areas continues to unfold. Prayers and thoughts to all who are coping with serious damage and vital outages.
We were extremely lucky with the storm - didn't lose power, and only lost cable for about 6 hours. Directly across the street from us, the entire side of the street has been without power since Monday at midnight. And it seems that the devastation at the Jersey Shore, New York, and other north east areas continues to unfold. Prayers and thoughts to all who are coping with serious damage and vital outages.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
MIA does not = Mojo Is Absent
How ridiculous is that post title?? Hahahaha - when I saw the title of my last post as I went to write today after being missing in action for a few days, my mind seized, trying to be clever. It doesn't take much to entertain my 59 y/o addled brain. I can't believe my chronological age, given that I'm so youthful and forward thinking...
Anyway - having not posted in no way indicates that I haven't been hanging in and enjoying that my mojo is still working! I've now tracked 11 straight days (some kind of personal record) and only gone over my daily calorie allotments twice, once for less than 50 cals, and once for (I think) about 140. I'm also really back in the swing of early morning exercise, though yesterday was raining and today I slept in because I got so hyped up watching the debate last night that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight. Very rare for me these days.
I'm aware that I'm afraid to get on the scale, because I have to have lost a bit, but my expectations of how much, no matter how hard I try not to have them, can really mess with my mind. This is a lifelong pattern, folks, and it isn't going away. I definitely am fitting in to a couple pairs of long pants that I wouldn't have 2 months ago (didn't try then because it was too hot), so for now I'm going to trust my instincts and my self awareness and just smile at the scale each morning. I contemplate it daily, and the thought quickens my heart rate and threads of anxiety begin to stir. Crazy, yes. It's part of my disordered relationship with and thinking about food and weight.
Following is a glimpse into destructive thinking patterns in myself I've known and hated:
If I step on the scale and it says I've lost 2 pounds, I'll be majorly irritated because I think it will be more. So it will derail me in some twisted way. Or, if I've lost 5 pounds, it'll so inflate my sense of well being that I'll try to cut back my intake so as to hasten the process. Of course it won't be long before I feel deprived (which I really haven't felt so far) and I'll eat an extra snack, or larger portions...which will result in me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself and then the ruinous snowballing back to bingeing is likely to ensue. Or, losing 5 pounds will make me think of taking a day off from tracking, choosing wisely...whatever, because "I can afford it for one day."
Yes - that is but a glimpse of the permutations and insanity that I've experienced over the years. I know this, and I am finally accepting that I'll have these tendencies forever. Like working with my alcoholism and finding lasting recovery, I know that getting better is possible and likely, but not if I forget who I am and what I'm dealing with having a disordered "thinker" when it comes to food and alcohol.
Well. I intended to just say I'm still hanging in with MFP and tracking, but I guess I needed to say more! This is a good place to be honest and get it out, so my head isn't swarming with unproductive or even destructive thoughts. I'm feeling and optimistic. Today. That's enough.
Anyway - having not posted in no way indicates that I haven't been hanging in and enjoying that my mojo is still working! I've now tracked 11 straight days (some kind of personal record) and only gone over my daily calorie allotments twice, once for less than 50 cals, and once for (I think) about 140. I'm also really back in the swing of early morning exercise, though yesterday was raining and today I slept in because I got so hyped up watching the debate last night that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight. Very rare for me these days.
I'm aware that I'm afraid to get on the scale, because I have to have lost a bit, but my expectations of how much, no matter how hard I try not to have them, can really mess with my mind. This is a lifelong pattern, folks, and it isn't going away. I definitely am fitting in to a couple pairs of long pants that I wouldn't have 2 months ago (didn't try then because it was too hot), so for now I'm going to trust my instincts and my self awareness and just smile at the scale each morning. I contemplate it daily, and the thought quickens my heart rate and threads of anxiety begin to stir. Crazy, yes. It's part of my disordered relationship with and thinking about food and weight.
Following is a glimpse into destructive thinking patterns in myself I've known and hated:
If I step on the scale and it says I've lost 2 pounds, I'll be majorly irritated because I think it will be more. So it will derail me in some twisted way. Or, if I've lost 5 pounds, it'll so inflate my sense of well being that I'll try to cut back my intake so as to hasten the process. Of course it won't be long before I feel deprived (which I really haven't felt so far) and I'll eat an extra snack, or larger portions...which will result in me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself and then the ruinous snowballing back to bingeing is likely to ensue. Or, losing 5 pounds will make me think of taking a day off from tracking, choosing wisely...whatever, because "I can afford it for one day."
Yes - that is but a glimpse of the permutations and insanity that I've experienced over the years. I know this, and I am finally accepting that I'll have these tendencies forever. Like working with my alcoholism and finding lasting recovery, I know that getting better is possible and likely, but not if I forget who I am and what I'm dealing with having a disordered "thinker" when it comes to food and alcohol.
Well. I intended to just say I'm still hanging in with MFP and tracking, but I guess I needed to say more! This is a good place to be honest and get it out, so my head isn't swarming with unproductive or even destructive thoughts. I'm feeling and optimistic. Today. That's enough.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Got my mojo workin'
Just a quickie...I'm still rolling along on the tracking, and I walked again this morning, though I only did 30 minutes because I went to my aa meeting too, and I have a play date this afternoon to walk with a friend, and we usually go at least 45 minutes.
I took tomorrow as a mental health day, so this is my Friday. Woohoo! Hubby comes home Saturday evening so I'm hoping I will keep up the morning walks without the dog, because he really can be a pill when I'm trying to bust a move. Usually Tom runs with Wally every morning and I take him in the afternoons. So for that alone I'm excited for his return! I've missed him (Tom, not Waldo) - not sure I'd want to be a full time swinging single, because I'm not doing too much swinging these days, what with falling asleep by 8:30 most nights. But I've really gotten my food and exercise act together while he was away, and I don't want to lose my mojo there.
Have a good pre-Friday all.
I took tomorrow as a mental health day, so this is my Friday. Woohoo! Hubby comes home Saturday evening so I'm hoping I will keep up the morning walks without the dog, because he really can be a pill when I'm trying to bust a move. Usually Tom runs with Wally every morning and I take him in the afternoons. So for that alone I'm excited for his return! I've missed him (Tom, not Waldo) - not sure I'd want to be a full time swinging single, because I'm not doing too much swinging these days, what with falling asleep by 8:30 most nights. But I've really gotten my food and exercise act together while he was away, and I don't want to lose my mojo there.
Have a good pre-Friday all.
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