I sure as hell hope (fill in the blank)...

There are a lot of things with which I can fill in the blank...so many that pluralizing "blank" would be appropriate. So blanks. And for this newest blog 'o'mine, I will list hoped for states of being, seismic shifts in consciousness, and all that comes to mind that would rock out loud if it/they materialized.

First to note is this journal is about my ongoing struggle with food addiction and crazy eating. Other stuff too, but this issue in my life continues to reach up from the depths and pull me lower and lower, again and again. It is a dark festering gelatinous murk of shame, self disgust, fear, dimpled bulging flesh, the slapping of hanging fat filled skin against more of the same. And it is the emotional equivalent of an acute anal fissure (which was the worst pain I've encountered to date...much worse than childbirth/labor/dental procedures et al. And sure, the emotional pain comes and goes...so did the fissure pain. When I had percocet, it went, at least abating to a dull ominous pressure that constantly threatened it's inevitable return to full throttle agony from the lessened version of itself. So it is with "good food days/I've got this licked/I feel nothing because I'm food numb".

So it goes with being in the throes of this addiction/affliction. A journey marked by periods of control alternating with ever increasing episodes of less control, and finally into prolonged states of total powerlessness over food and eating behavior. No amount of weight loss has cured me. No prolonged period of clean abstinent eating has lasted. No demoralizing horrific relapse has rendered me "scared straight". When I'm trying hard to not crazy eat, I'm thoroughly exhausted by the effort. When I cave in to the compulsion and "decide" to just go ahead and have one more day of wanton food intake, the relief I feel is immense. It is the ultimate broken record of true addiction. I can't get on. I can't get off. I can't start being better and I sure can't stop the freight train bearing down on me.

I have over 17 years of solid recovery from alcoholism. I know about addiction, treatment, 12 step programs, working steps, denial, self reliance, letting go without truly surrendering. On and on I can wax prolific about substance use, quoting relevant "program" literature and nuggets of wisdom. And now I find myself engulfed in the despair, shame and lonliness of my earliest addiction. My primary drug of choice. Again. Still. And though it would sound much cooler for that substance to be a little edgier, like crack, oxys, percs, I'm ETERNALLY grateful that it's just food. Because I am bad hooked, and getting worse. Crazier. More bizarre episodes of consumption. I can't go on this way any more and I'm terrified I can't change.

Except I know I can, because I have, tremendously, in my journey with alcohol recovery. I have to believe it is possible, because it's happened regarding my other big addiction. If yes with that, why not yes with this? It has to be possible, but it's going to take more than I've ever tried before. Real honesty, truth, courage, revelation, humility, being hungry, living through hours, days of obsessive mind games, gutting it out.

I've said more than once that if my alcoholism was as deep seeded - primal - as my eating disordered behavior, I'm not sure if I could have gotten sober. I've seen plenty of people struggle with alcohol at a much more disturbing level than I did, though it was certainly no picnic to get sober and I was truly hooked on hooch. But this food thing is so much deeper. And I'm ready to do whatever it takes, go to any lengths (in AA parlance) to find recovery and begin to climb up from from the abyss of self loathing and shame. I commit to honesty and truth in chronicling my thoughts, feelings, impressions, and spilling whatever comes to mind or heart. There is much to tell of this entity that has been with me since I was old enough to receive a quarter from an adult, go to the store and buy 5 candy bars and eat them between store and back home. It's all going to find a way onto this page. I don't know how or what or who or where or why, but I do not that I can't go on as I've been anymore. Gotta do a wrap up here because I'm at work. The process of recovery is underway. I am utterly powerless over food and eating behavior and am ready to do whatever it takes to find a way out.