Monday, June 15, 2009

Sloggin' on down the road

I was fully expecting to write here everyday, esp. after how low and down and uber-motivated I felt Friday when I renewed my blog committment to self only. The weekend was a complete mixed bag, but ultimately wonderful. Relevant to the food/eating/lesliehatesherfoodaddiction stuff, I did something a bit different end of last week...I joined the Healthy Inspirations program at the Health Plex. A number of different events and pieces of information were sent on to my radar screen over the last month about the program, and finally this past week, 3 things happened that told me it was time to do something concrete about a committment to health and wellness. The first was sitting at my meditation class last week and talking about how I love water but haven't had a bathing suit on in at least 5 years because of how I feel about my body. I don't recall how the conversation unfolded, but I heard myself say how much I enjoy being submerged in the water, and yet how it never happens. This is total unmanageability and powerlessness. I know that I've thought over ther last years that I likely would never enter a pool or beach setting again. Ever. Because. Fat. Body. When I heard those words utter from my mouth, I felt a deep pang of sadness, and also self pity. And finally, anger. At? Moi. Vous. Everyone who doesn't feel this way, even if they look like I do. Just utter frustration and emptiness about how my eating is calling the shots in my life at an increasing number of levels.

So...that very night, I think, I had a dream just before waking. In the dream I was standing on the beach, facing out into the Gulf of Mexico (where I grew up). I was wearing a tank top and shorts, and suddenly I just dove into the water, which in the dream scape then became more like a pool - clear water and able to be seen through...and I just began swirling, turning, slithering through the water, feeling it's coolness and refreshment over every possible body surface. It was glorious, and I felt free. I woke up from that and knew at a deep level that my soul had spoken to me somehow about my life, my choices, my powerlessness, and my ultimate ability to write a new script for myself.

Finally, the boys went to Bonnorroo to work for 5 days. Anticipating their absence and the hassle of getting them to the airport and on their way, for some reason I decided to medicate my angst and stress with wanton eating that ultimately lasted 3 full days. The worst binging I've had in a long time. I was on steroids for asthma, so maybe that played a role, but the self contempt and the trauma to my body, mind and spirit from the total loss of control over food was complete. I felt terrified that I would never again be able to be restored to sanity.

That's it for this post, I'll continue tomorrow.

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