Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tuesday thoughts

What an olio this life is. Since Friday, really, I've been on board to see myself through this new journey. My food's been pretty good...actually according to the plan I was given for Healthy Inspirations, my food has been quite close to on target for their program. I've also exercised in some way every day, but I don't officially meet with the personal trainer until tomorrow to get my tailor-made for Leslie (haha) plan. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about stuff at this point, but I also can very easily find my thoughts spiraling into an abyss of: what if..., how can I really get fit, what if I do, what if I don't, more public failure about weight etc..., is there a thinner healthier version of my self/life possible? That last question makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Literally. Like, who the fuck will I be as an adult woman not overweight, not dumpy, not consumed with self hate about my body, not food addicted. Can such an incarnation of moi exist? I can't imagine, but I deeply desire it. Yet I'm afraid. What if I stop having these issues to obsess about, to focus on, to use as my excuse to not totally show up for life?

Over the course of getting and staying sober, my movement toward my truth, my soul, my self, glacial though it may have been over the years, has really brought me to a place of liking myself okay. More than okay. I love life, in particular my own. And actually I don't mind myself at all usually. Dare I say I kind of love myself (yikes it's scary to write that, or at least weird). EXCEPT............the big except is of course food and eating. My original substance abuse that has been part of my schtick, my coping strategy, my operating system since I was a wee one. And right up through the present, despite my wonderful gift of solid recovery in AA from another substance, I've always felt the slimy little secret that even though I'm sober, I'm not free of addictive behavior patterns that keep me stuck and at odds with my true self. And numbed from reality.

Yesterday was a tough day for some reason. My food stayed okay according to my new plan, but I felt blurry and messy inside...like a major binge waiting to happen. I worked out right after work, then went to my meditation class, then to the grocery store for dinner fare, and by the time I got home I was hungry, angry, lonely, tired, irritable, scared, and seriously contemplating one more night of the wanton eating. I was quite a mess, and not nice to be around. I threw together a semblance of dinner...leftovers for men folk and expensive gourmet salmon for self (priorities and all), and once I sat down to eat with hub and son#2, and began slowly taking in one bite at a time of good food, I settled down and realized I wasn't going to die from not shoving food in my face. But the intensity of awfulness I felt prior to finally eating was pretty shocking. Very ugly, this food addiction and obsession thing. I did, by the way, eat a big bunch of fresh cherries (15 or so) while getting dinner ready. I guess that would be considered binge behavior, but it was sane food, healthy, okay for the plan, and I needed it. My goal here is to make peace with food and eating, not go into some rigid impossible to sustain pattern as I've don'e so many times before. Food addiction literature says that my cherry eating is a big no no. But my gut says it's okay. Having tortilla chips - no. Fruit in a moderate portion - yes. Okay, enough for now. I go for my first healthplex workout today and meeting with a lifestyle consultant. Looking forward to it.

No comments:

Post a Comment