Thursday, June 18, 2009

It's working on me

The disease, that is. The disease is working on me. Today I am full of anxiety, fear, worry about old stuff, new stuff, about anything I can come up with to be all out of sorts about. I'm worrying about what I'm sure is a sinus infection that has me so stopped up that earlier I thought my nose might explode or something. Zero airway space through nose and then I'm a bit wheezy, so I started to feel like I wasn't, or soon wouldn't, get enough air. Ran home to get nebulizer which I haven't used yet because I didn't bring the medication chamber. I really think I'm fine but all my health anxiety issues are popping up and I'm living in a fear based reality. Or unreality actually.

My heart rate stuff yesterday with the trainer has me torqued. Yes, I'd had albuterol, but 2 hours earlier so shouldn't the tachycardia be over? I know I'm hyper and white coat-ish, and a trainer fits the white coat bill. She's great, by the way. And once I settled down a bit I saw that my taching was stable.

What I want to note here is that it occurs to me that if I just started binging my brains out, I'd likely stop thinking/worrying/obsessing about self. At least in the moment. But then I'd be back to moi later, or tomorrow, and feel all shitty about myself for backsliding and having to begin again again again again...I believe an element of my food addiction disease process is this health anxiety/general anxiety that becomes acute in a moment, and I eventually cave and eat, thereby neutralizing the fear of the moment. That's what substances do, right?

I'm determined to weather the storms of my mind without turning to eating. No matter what. No matter how scared I feel. I can always feel better and get a perspective on my health anxiety when I think of people with big stuff going on. And also, looking realistically at my own history, I've been quite healthy, and quite able to show up and do what I have to do when there is question, like with my thyroid drama. So my psyche's anxiety ploy to get me to cave in to overeating is ON NOTICE (thank you Stephen Colbert). I will find other ways to alleviate my insane moments of fear, dread, worry... over things I can't control anyway.

Loved Jess, the trainer. I learned some valuable stuff yesterday, like that I've been exercising at way too high an intensity for plain fat burning. Who knew? It'll feel weird to walk the treadmill at 2.4 mph, but if that's what it takes to keep my heart rate between 98 and 120, I'm doing it. I wonder if I'll even break a sweat? Oh hell, I break a sweat more readily than most, so probably after enough time at 2.4, I will. And I go back and see Katie today before working out, which should be good. I'm feeling pretty strong at this point and have been blessed with no big cravings or food obsession for a few days. I like the snacks between meals...they help me not feel deprived and to know it won't be too long before I can eat something if I want to.

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