Tuesday, December 21, 2010

We repeat this broadcast

That's where you've landed - home of the Grinch.  My local all-Christmas-music-allthetime station has been playing this a lot lately and the lyrics are indeed speaking to me.  Not a good sign. 

My favorite line is, "You're a 3 decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich!"  What can I say - love to digest a good food metaphor.  And I am one irritable blogger today.

I woke up last night around 1:15 with my throat feeling like a slab of raw meat and my airway feeling narrowed.  ACK.  Having asthma, I respond quickly to such symptoms so went downstairs to do a nebulizer treatment.  The medicine makes me hyper as Tigger on steroids, so I vibrated, (literally) for several hours before finally falling asleep.  The galloping crud-du-jour that's going around felled hubby last week, and # 1 son was feeling the beginnings of sore throatishness yesterday.  DAMN.  It's not the end of the world, but my reaction to getting respiratory symptoms is always a bit over the top.

Another reason I'm in a crappy mood is that I got on the scale this morning and have gained a pound.  We ate out at a Mexican restuarant last night; then I had a dish of ice cream with butterscotch sauce to cap it off.  I'm caving in to the ubiquitous cookie and confection trays that are materializing everywhere, and the sugar alone makes me more vulnerable to getting sick, not to mention feel more achy and inflamed all over.

This is what came to mind this morning...at this point I'm just going to table (another food metaphor) my weight loss efforts and calorie control until next Monday.  Not give up - not go crazy with eating.  Just relax.  Hell, if I relax anymore I'll be in a coma.  And when I'm honest with self, suspending my effort for any period of time inevitably leads to letting go of constraints and all bets are off.  I'll be WISHING for a gain of 1 measly pound.  I'm so sick of my head with this, and I'm sure you guys are too.  I'm also grateful that some other bloggers have been mightily struggling and falling off the wagon in recent weeks - not for their sake, but for my own.  Helps me know I'm not the only one.  Not alone.

I'm also grateful that many more bloggers demonstrate that rational reasonable eating CAN sustain through the holidays and all days without diminishing the quality of those days one iota.  It can be done.  I've done it.  But not for a long time.

Dear Loretta at LorettasJourney has been steadily working her way down the scale and is such an inspiration and voice of sanity and wisdom for me.  She strives to stay positive and when she feels her thinking getting "stinking", she calls herself on it and reframes her thoughts to be self encouraging and edifying rather than self hating.  She's been doing something for awhile that just today hit me as a very useful tool...going back to a year ago in her blogging to see what she was saying then.  I've decided to do a bit of that for myself.

Here's an exerpt from December 21, 2009 -
Also, my eating continues to deteriorate. I didn't get on the scale in the last 3 days, which isn't a good sign, so I need to weigh tomorrow to see what's up - HAH! Literally. (That wasn't intentional, but fitting, huh?) What with wrestling with the knee, being behind on all aspects of holiday preparation, and generally feeling sorry for myself, it feels like too much to eat sanely. I know in my head that I'm going to have to deal with the weight gain eventually and that this overeating I'm continuing with right now is totally counterproductive to who I am and what I want for myself; but the self-pitying emotional part of me feels like I just can't restrict myself when I have this knee thing going on. Talk about a shitty excuse.

I've said this before in the last few posts and I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but it ain't going away. In fact, it's escalating. That's what the slippery slope is all about. So far I haven't baked any cookies, but I have made the outrageous herbed nuts that I give away each year, and the cookie recipes are stacked up on the counter, just goading me to get moving. My kids will eat them, but they'll eat them like normal people. Same with hubby. Just one, 2 tops. WTF??????????? Like someone who drinks half a glass of wine and leaves the rest...makes no sense to me. Addiction, thy name is Leslie.

Back to now
Well - how do you spell RERUN?  While looking for this in my archive, I ran across a post during the last week of the year that noted an AA and rest of the world's piece of widom:  if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Or, and I quote myself,

Then again:
"Well, I'd like to extrapolate on that nugget of wisdom: if you stop doing what you were doing that worked when you were doing it, you'll stop getting what you were getting when you were doing what you stopped doing - results."

What does it take to thrown in the towel?  Raise the white flag?  Surrender Dorothy -er, Leslie?  One blog friend who has found lasting peace with food through a 12 step program has gently been sharing with me her experience, strength and hope.  I've resisted this for 3 years after a BAD experience with some food nazis.  But a certain other 12 step program has certainly given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, away from the Groundhog's Day existence of "another day, another hangover".  In the food realm I'm living a broken record of doing the same thing over.  I don't expect different results - I know I'm screwing up -  I just can't "do the next right thing" for more than a few days.

Please pardon my rebroadcast of yesterday's news.  There really isn't much to say and I don't want blog friends to feel compelled to respond to the same old shit every time I write it.  What I do want is to hear congratulations for progress and growth (not the physical kind!), and that I'm becoming someone else's inspiration.  Someday.  Soon?


  1. I am so sorry about your pre-Christmas ickiness! It's going around here, too. I hope you are able to nip it in the bud and not come down with the full sauerkraut and toadstool smorgasboard.

    Using Loretta as a guide, is there some way to reframe the last year, not as some sort of scale failure but as a learning experience? What did you learn last year? (did you have some joy last year? did you have some fun?)

    I'm one of those struggling souls giving you solice these days :-) And you are already one of my inspirational heros and valued friends. I hope you are able to stop vibrating today and feel better.

  2. I hope you will be feeling better soon. This crud made the rounds here a couple of weeks ago. Not feeling well certainly makes it difficult to diet--deprivation doesn't feel good when the body is crying for comfort!

    Regarding the food nazis: I did that 12-step program a few years ago, and all I can say is this: In the long-run, it was detrimental. Calling in my food, weighing and measuring in restaurants, etc. seemed to set me up for trouble--and it did--rebound! There are better 12 step programs out there, however. Sometimes I think we have to find the determination and will from within ourselves--but life is full of ups and downs, and we have to roll with them. Perhaps this is one of those times for you and doesn't mean that you won't get back on track. I know you will have better days--let's get through this tough time of the year and then reevaluate.

    You have been such a big help for me, and I want to say that I have good days and not so good days myself--especially this week. You're a great person, and I'm so happy to be on this journey with you.

  3. It seems you have also succumbed to the creeping crud that is running rampant this time of year- I hope you feel better soon ! When you feel icky, any temptation is hard to turn away from. It's a primal thing- you simply want to feel better and costs be damned ! My obsession of late is not food, but building K'nex kits ( of all things). While being sedimentary a lot with the recovery , my hands get fidgity and my mind gets fidgity and there are roller coasters to build and more. It may not be food, but it requires clearing off large surfaces to build these and getting so totally lost in the details that I forget to do important things. Like dishes, sending our Christmas Cards and so forth. It's not the same as your struggles, but sometimes it just plain helps to know you are not alone !

  4. Once again, you and me, similar stuff, different stories. But I can so relate. Bah humbug that I just want the holidays to be over! And that last paragraph, yep, I get that too. Sigh.

  5. Well, Leslie, first--THANK YOU for the kind words on my blog. You said just the right things. (Although it was too late for the caution to not deep-end the food.)

    Second. You have my sympathy--and companionship--on the ship to a wider waist for the holidays. I careened off of the trail and cannot seem to get back.

    I made the same decision today about putting weight loss efforts on hold for the same reasons and with the same warning bells in my head. sigh. Monday, December 27th is my fresh start day. I am hoping--yes, hope springs eternal--that I will choose to eat reasonably between now and then rather than continuing the food fest of death.

    We ARE going to do this thing. I, for one, will be doing some of it over after Christmas. :}


  6. Don't allow the scale or what you have or have not eaten to define YOU as a success or failure. No matter what, it's not true.

    You are definitely not the only person in blogland who is faced with and giving in to the myriad of holiday goodies.

    I think (like you care what I think - lol!) that you're making a good choice to lay aside things until next Monday. Focus on your FAMILY, cherish the memories and forget about the doggone food and scale!

  7. I love you my sweet friend. I'm sorry you're struggling....I understand deeply. Just wanted you to know that you are loved. :)

  8. So sorry. The holidays are hard enough without feeling bad. I got sick Thanksgiving night and I don't want to see Dressing for another yr or maybe two. I pray you have a blessed Christmas. I am going to bed hungry hopefully my scales will like me in the morning. Love Ya!