Fall down 6 times, get up 7

Good morning all - I had a post percolating all day yesterday but never got the chance to crank it out.  Now half of the content has gotten lost in the murk that is my brain - but I'll try to exact out bits of it.

First - I had 1/2 good weekend (Sunday) and 1/2 crapola weekend.  I'm speaking about the realm of food/eating/self care.  Last Friday and Saturday I definitely did some serious overeating and I can't really say why.  Why isn't important.  If knowing why could help me STOP IT from ever happening again, it would be important, but 57 years of inhabiting the body of a food addict has showed me again and again that self awareness avails me nothing;  action, or lack of overeating action is what produces results. 

I was antsy about something I was doing Friday night and though I had an on-plan day until I got home from work, I started some grazing after walking the dog, continued up to when I went to the event (which turned out fine), but since "in the mode"  and "having already blown it", kept at it until I went to bed.  I haven't done that for awhile and determined to be done and back on track Saturday.  NOT.  Didn't happen and suffice to say that by Saturday evening I actually recognized I was feeling out-of-control with it.  Haven't felt that way in a long time.

Sunday morning I surveryed the damage on the scale (up 4 pounds since last weigh in 3 days prior) and committed (for the 465,729,121,348th time) to staying on plan.  I was 213.8, which seemed pretty awful.  I called my AA sponsor Lisa (the one with lung cancer who is doing well for now) who also has had food issues and did OA years ago and asked if I could commit my daily eating to her in the mornings for awhile.  She was all over helping me, and so we have an arrangement where I call her each morning for a brief chat and recommit each day.  Got 2 days down, or 2 pearls on the necklace that I haven't managed to extend even to bracelet length yet, but I'm working on it. 

I absolutely hate coming here again and again confessing my flubs (or flabs - there are a lot of regions of it).  But not doing so doesn't help the one person who this blog is supposed to be helping - me.  I've read several blogs lately where people are struggling and recommitting and rededicating themselves to THEMSELVES and their health - and I join the legions.  I'm not quitting, I'm not beating myself up.  And I am going to start posting my weights again - it's easy to be coy with "1 up, 2 down..." but coughing up the actual and honest number feels much more honest and accountable.  My weigh ins are Sunday mornings and I will post it each week.  Keeping it on the down-low is rediculous and evasive and my usual MO of trying to hide my truth under fluff and facade.  ***************************************************

Also I want to report that my big toe numbness seems to be going away so it was prob'ly due to tying new shoes too tight, which caused some nerve inflammation.  I doubt it was related to diabetic neuropathy which is a big relief.  I stopped doing my blood sugars because they were in the normal range for 4 days in a row.  (Last Friday and Saturday I suspect they wouldn't have been.)  I have my physical with my doc on Thursday, and while I'm not exactly looking forward to it, I am happy to be taking care of myself and facing whatever IS my current status with the Type 2 and everything else.  This doc that I'm restarting with Thursday has known me at a normal weight, and also at my all time high of 234.  There's no bullshitting him, but that's good because I can sling it with the best of them, and I am not going to do that.  I plan to own my struggles, get my bloodwork done Friday morning after he gives me lab slips, and owning what is.

Hubby left this morning to head to Georgia for the Masters Golf Tournament.  His father has had tickets since the 1940s which is hubby's great luck, because hubby has his dad's exact name (except hub is the Jr. version) so he's hoping that the tickets will be able to be kept in the family long past his father's life.  They're among the hardest tickets to get in all sporting events - they say people have to die for new folks to get them!  We're certainly not wanting Papa to pass anytime soon - he just turned 93 and is going surprisingly strong - but even Papa talks about how my hubby can hold to them after he moves into the next realm!  The waiting list for new tickets to the actual tournament is closed and has been since 2000.  Practice round tickets are available by lottery, I think. 

Anyhoo - it'll just be me and # 1 son for the week which means meal prep is simpler - Steve and I generally do "separate but equal meals" where we fix our own stuff but eat together.  I'll make a big pot of awesome vegetarian lentil brown rice soup that'll last us awhile.  I WILL have an on plan week, one day at a time.

So that's all the news from Leslieland that's fit to print.  Have a good Tuesday.