Toxic brain dump # infinity

I'm having a fat day.  I feel fat and doughy and squishy.  And I hate it. 

The waist band on my capris is just tight enough that when I sit down there is a "ring" of flab that extends from just behind my waist on one side all the way around to the other side. Whoever dubbed it "a spare tire" was dead on.  These pants were getting lose-ish on me several months back.  Today they were the only clean act in town the closet (piles of laundry to do this afternoon) so I stepped into them with the greatest of trepidation.  They came up okay, but then the required act of fastening them at the waist became a little dicey.  Happily these pants have a degree of spandex, lycra or some other forgiving fiber that stretches a bit, so I didn't have one of those terrifying moments of, "this is all that's clean and they don't fit!", necessitating yanking pants of the top of the laundry basket and ironing them so they'd look springtime fresh.  When I'm standing and walking around, they feel and fit fine, and the thighs are actually a little lose.  But when I sit, the delusion of "they fit" is over.   Damn.  I'm sick of this.

Interestingly, I know that if I put on a pair of warm up capris and not real fabric ones like I'm wearing, I wouldn't feel the tightness and sense the fat over the top - which is why I need to keep these kinds of pants at the front of the closet (and clean) so I'm not lured into a false sense of "comfort" with my size.  Yesterday  I had a good food day until right after dinner, when the mouth/throat started telling me they wanted something different from what they had just swallowed.  It was a good dinner, plenty of food that tasted yummy.  Low fat, relatively low calorie (quickly thrown together mild 2 bean and turkey chili).  I was satisfied.  Not stuffed or even full.  Satisfied.  But the food thoughts began, and I ate more than I wanted or planned to.  Of the wrong stuff.

We've all heard the adage "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you" related to overeating and overweight.  I can honestly say that my conscious mind is not aware of anything eating away it me right now.  When I meditate, or at least try to sit in quiet to see "what comes up", I'm not deluged by my unconscious mind revealing awful-tees of any kind.  I'm pretty content.  So why??? 

I know "why" is irrelevant - it doesn't matter.  I also know I can't find out why, if there is a why, if I continue stuffing food in when I'm not hungry.  I get a day or 2 and then off to hell in a handbasket with eating.  I've written all this before.  I'm just ranting with frustration and trying to dump out some negative brain fodder that is polluting my outlook today.

Here's another thing - also discussed here before - I'm going to Atlanta with hubby and youngest son to deposit said son back at his college in 2 weeks.  The entire in-law family is there.  I love them dearly.  Get along with all of them.  Am extremely close with several of them.  They are all lean and very attractive.  I know 100% they love me as if I was born into their clan.  But I don't want to go because of my weight.  I was only 5 pounds less when I was there in March for a wedding and it was fine.  I know that in 2 weeks if I simply don't binge or overeat I can drop these over-the-top pounds and feel better about going.  Hopefully I'll do that.  This issue of my weight has always plagued me particularly with the in-laws, even though I know it doesn't affect how they regard me.

I want to be excited to go down there.  I want to feel free of the mental torture I self inflict about weight and food.  At least at home all my friends and my nuclear family see me all the time and it doesn't feel like as much of an issue.  But I also know that no one who loves me and cares about me judges me one little bit for this struggle.  The ups and downs.  On agains and off agains.  I know it in my head.  But in my heart I think I fear criticism, judgement and rejection.  Feeling less than because my size is more than.

Wow - I just read over what I wrote and I guess I do have something that's eating me, huh?  Pretty obvious - and I wouldn't be surprised to know that there is a lot more going on in Leslie's subterranean landscape that just dreading a trip to the in-laws.

Sorry for the self-pity brain dump here - it's just where I am today.  And I swear if I had sweat pants on and couldn't literally feeeeeel my bulk, it wouldn't be so bad.  So it's probably a good thing that once again I'm motivated to stay the course and get a clean day.  I'm not quitting, but I sure am getting tired of starting over.

Dem bones

I got my 2 good walks in this weekend and they felt great, with knees performing closely to optimally.  Sunday I ended up going with 2 friends - we walked up to a meeting we all attend that starts at 7 a.m.  Since it's about 2.7 miles away, we met on a street corner from our various directions and off we went at a tidy clip.  After the meeting we went and had a healthy breakfast at a local eatery and then hoofed it back home via a different route.  All tolled I believe we logged about 5.5 miles and felt entirely righteous!  Also drenched, as the humidity felt like it was about 99%.  But at least the temp was only in the high 80s...by yesterday afternoon it was low 90s.

I greatly prefer brisk "power" walking in the great outdoors to virtually any cardio I do at the gym.  I'd love to think that I could eventually return to some slow jogging but won't even consider it until I'm 9 months out from the 2nd knee procedure.  Just too risky on my...ahem...old seasoned knees. 

But the gym comes in handy for strength training, which I haven't yet added back in since recovering from the Winter of Knees.  Given my age, it's really important to get the strength training back into the mix to keep my bones strong.  My 2nd bone density (you youngsters haven't needed this yet, but I've already had 2 - 2 years apart) showed the bones in pretty good shape with very minimal osteopenia (bone thinning - a pre-cursor to osteoporosis), and I want to keep it that way and not have to go on any of those evil meds that Sally Field and others rag about on prime time tv.  Nature's way beats the heck out of Western Medicine's way every day, in my book.

I wrote a few weeks back about needing (and being entitled) to sign on with 6 free trainer sessions at my gym, and I still haven't done it, so this week it's at the top of the list.  I have a friend who works at the gym and she was away so I put it off.  I know she'll set me up with someone I can trust and that she knows will not be eye rolling the whole time at working with a 50-something fat lady! 

I'm doing well with my commitment to focus on consistency with water drinking, ala Loretta's Consistency Challenge.  The water weight I saw on my Friday weigh in attributable to 2 restaurant meals out in a row is gone, and I'm hoping to post a significant loss this Friday in Tammy's challenge.

Also want to give a shout out and big congrats to Helen on beating her last half marathon time by over 4 minutes when she ran her race this weekend.  You can read about her great run at the link.  Have a decent Monday everyone!

Pomegranates and knees

Quickie post today as I've been extra long-winded of late.  I wanted to post a picture of this cute little army of health that is currently stashed in my fridge.  I guess because of the blog, I got an email from a nice guy from POM Wonderful asking if I'd be interested in receiving a free case of Pomegranate juice along with a fact sheet about POM Wonderful.  He was clear that he did not expect a product review, but that I could comment about them on my blog if I felt so moved.

Excuse me, did you say a free case?  Of anything?  Yessir, I would be very interested!  In this case, I've already sampled POM Wonderful juices many times and absolutely love them.  If you drink pomagranate juice by itself, it is rich, tart and full of flavor.  For me it's too rich and tart to drink straight, but when diluted half and half with some seltzer and a twist of lime it's GREAT.  My husband, on the other hand, has been belting them down full strength and loving them. 

It's almost like drinking delicious rocket fuel, because it makes me feel very energized and robust.  But like all pure fruit juices, it provides a pretty big calorie hit for a relatively small amount of juice.  The cute little soldiers have 6 oz, and 150 calories, which is a lot, and another reason I've been using a smidge in seltzer or water - still get the good taste and some of the amazing anitoxidant benefits without too much calorie cost.

When I started blogging, I never knew there could be such nice perks as receiving free products, esp. when there is no requirement to report on them.

My first week on Tammy's challenge finds me up .5 pound, but I'm not worried.  I've had 2 dinners out the last 2 nights, along with KFC for lunch yesterday (which I literally haven't had in 20 years).  I got 2 pieces of grilled chicken (drum and thigh) and it was surprisingly good.  My side was cole slaw which was also good and not heavily dressing-ed, but I also ate the biscuit which I should have catapulted as far from my plate as possible.  It was also good.  So I know there is water in the gain, but a gain is a gain.  I have a beautiful fresh salad I threw together this morning for lunch and am pounding water to flush out the last few days' excesses.

The weather is supposed to break and be mild and dry this weekend, so I'm fervently hoping to get a couple of walks at my favorite walking park - Ridley Creek.  It's been stinkin' humid here, which really isn't a reason to not exercise, but is a good excuse!  Oh - and it occurs to me I haven't reported on my knees for awhile as they continue recovering from the arthroscopies this winter.  In the last few weeks, they are feel GREAT!  Almost as good as before they were injured.  For so long I had to put a pillow between them to sleep because they hurt when they laid on top of each other.  No more!  Also, when I'm sitting on the floor, I can get up easily.  It's taken awhile, but they are really feeling good, and I'm glad.  I guess that makes my excuses for not exercising pretty pathetic, oui?  Hopefully I'll log between 7 and 10 miles over the weekend, and you can bet I'm report about it here!  Have a good w/e everyone.

19 Big Ones!

Thank you all so much for your kind comments to my post yesterday.  I really didn't know what was going to flow through the digits when I started typing.  I was asked to tell my story at an AA meeting next Tuesday night and I think my subconscious has been percolating about my drinking story, so you guys got some of it.  Or ya'll, for the southern folks.

I didn't write that post yesterday as an intro to my very happy announcement today, but it kind of fits as just that.  Today is my AA anniversary - 19 years sober!  That's a long darn time to not drink for an alcoholic.  I am so grateful for my sobriety as it's been the greatest gift in my life.  Does that sound strange?

The reason it's the greatest gift is because sobriety and regular attendance at AA has turned my life around - 180 degrees - from the sad, lonely and less-than existence I lived when I was drinking.  On the outside I had everything I wanted - a wonderful loving husband, 3 kids (my specific order was 2 boys and a girl, and that's what we got!), a nice house, good career, a loving extended in-law family with whom I jived right away...lots of good things that I in no way deserved - but I couldn't really participate fully in any of it.  I loved my kids but felt less-than as a parent; same with my husband - I couldn't show up for him the way I would have wanted.  My actions didn't match my values.  I felt bad about myself, and was also excrutiatingly self centered.  In AA they call that an "egomaniac with an inferiority complex"!  Isn't that a great term?  Maybe it's not unique to AA, but it's where I first heard it.

Once I started coming to AA and finally put down the booze, things started getting better...little things, then bigger ones.  I started getting better.  Slo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w-ly, but steadily.  And I have to say that while I had to stop drinking first, the fellowship and program of Alcoholics Anonymous is what taught me in a thousand different ways how to suit up, grow up and show up for life.  It still teaches me about myself, alcoholism and striving to live a life that is mainly oriented to service to others.  Now I remain an egotistical self-centered gal, but so much less so than I used to be.

Getting sober in AA has allowed me to truly live the life I've been given to the best of my ability; to love my dear family and try to be a good citizen.  I heard someone at a meeting this morning say that AA saved their family.  It saved mine too.  We were still doing okay, but as I went downhill, the family and all the relationships therein would have been negatively affected.  It was already happening when I started contemplating getting sober, especially between Tom and me.  Things were not good.  I was not nice.  I was a mess.

So when I say sobriety is my greatest gift, it's because without it, I would not have the family, friends and life I have today.  Way more than I deserve has been served to me, and I'm just eternally grateful. 

And one more thing - my 21 year old son came to the meeting with me at 7 a.m. this morning to see me get my 19 year coin.  He hugged me in public and told a couple of funny stories about his old mom.  It was great.  He wouldn't have wanted to be around me if I'd been half in the bag for most of his growing up.  He was 2 when I got sober - talk about a blessing that he (nor my other 2) really saw me drunk (that they remember).  One more undeserved favor.

I'll get back to more applied weightloss blogging tomorrow.  As I reflect on my very rich life, I wonder how it would change if I got the weight off and called a truce with food?  I don't know that my life could get a whole lot better - - but I know I can get better, and wouldn't that just be fantastic?

History in the making

As I was just commenting on someone's blog I found myself reflecting about a concept that my AA sponsor has said to me over the years.  Of course in AA it's all about alcohol, but as I was reading the gal's post, I was reminded of the concept and how it can apply to food and eating as well.  My sponsor calls it "building a sober history". 

When I first came into AA, I'd been using alcohol as:  medication, feel-good potion, escape hatch, pressure release valve, augmenter of positivity, diminisher of negativity, confidence booster, social lubricant, personality improver, validator of my right to be on the planet with the rest of you guys - basically as an all-purpose best friend on whom I could rely for whatever the moment's reality warranted.  I didn't stay drunk 24/7, but I used booze a lot.  Often.  And like any best friend, it never let me down. 

Until it did. 

But being a trusting and loyal soul, I didn't jettison booze out of my life when something didn't go well as a result of its counsel.  I gave it another chance.  And it would treat me well again and so I'd know that the one bad experience was a fluke that would *never* happen again.

Until it did. 

I could continue this dramatic recitation of my personal experience with alcoholism for many pages.  Or I can advise you to hit "replay" countless endless times, and you'll have the tale in a nutshell.  Our stories are many and varied with different props, sets, players, details, plot twists, attempts to quit (also countless), relapses and so on. 

When I finally put down the drink for the last time (several months after I started trying AA), my emotional landscape (after the initial physical withdrawal) became a landmine field.  Little and big explosions all around and within - things like having to remember to sign permission slips for field trips for my kids, a broken washer, the snub of a friend....you know, LIFE.  But suddenly LIFE was full-on and not blunted by the warm buzzy haze of alcohol, and it was harsh.  It was happy, sad, maddening, frustrating, PMS monthly (that I never perceived), scary, angst-ridden.  I walked around for the first several months feeling like I was having major surgery with no anesthesia - as raw as an open wound.  And my # 1 go to remedy was no longer available (if I was serious about getting and staying sober).

I'd call my sponsor and complain, moan, whine and generally SUFFER about all the little and big things, and about wanting to just drink, damn it.  I wanted to drink every single day.  I'd say to her (and anyone else who'd listen) "This is ridiculous!  I'm worse now than I was before.  At least I didn't think about drinking when I was drinking, and now it's all I think about!".  She gently said that I was thinking about it constantly because I wasn't doing it.  It's called obsession, and the only way to extinguish an obsession is to not feed it.  If I drank, I'd be reinforcing the obsession so that next time I wanted to stop, the obsession would be a little stronger because I'd fed it previously.  But if I didn't drink and instead went to a meeting, cried, called her, took a bath, made a bed, went for a walk...anything besides drinking...the intensity of the desire to drink would diminish gradually.  For that time in particular, and for all time in general...gra-a-a-dually, slowly.  Think glacial.

And then she'd say, "You're building a sober history!"  Huh?  But as soon as I first heard the words, I intuited what she meant...that I was learning to live life on life terms without the crutch (or the aniticipation) of alcohol to soften all the rough edges.  If I got through one crisis (which could be as small as a broken shoelace) without drinking, I'd have that experience to help me with the next thing, and the next.  The first sober holidays, the first sober seasons...births, deaths, vacations, weddings, in-law visits, ups, downs...all that life tosses up to us - handled sober, rather than in some level of pre, post or during a "load".  Sober history.  I love that term, and my sponsor, Lisa (the one who is still battling lung cancer) is the only person in AA I've heard say it.  She learned it from her sponsor.  It's the notion of life experience informing future life experience, and in this sense - in a VERY GOOD way.

What does this have to do with a weight loss/food addiction blog?  Everything, because again and again I experience or read of others' experiences with getting a few good sane days of healthy eating together and finding themselves suddenly restless, irritable, discontent.  Critical, judgemental, easy to anger.  Fearful.  And the food thoughts start to intrude.  Refrigerator contents mockingly beckon with their empty promises of calming creamy, sweet, salty, crunchy, cold, warm, flavorful emotional salve.  And THIS is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to building a new history.  Getting through an episode of the urge to binge one's brains out, or to have "just 2 cookies" when I've never eaten just 2 cookies in my life but lie to myself that this time will be different, and NOT doing it.  Feed the obsession, you strengthen it.  Find other means of self-comfort that don't involve compulsively mindlessly overeating, and you begin to diminish it.

It's a conundrum that when you stop engaging in addictive type eating, you feel better for a day or two, and then you feel worse.  Much worse.  Emotionally and physically.  Part of it can be physical withdrawal, but much is the fact that when we stop stuffing our feelings, they begin to surface and our awareness of them is acute.  And it's HARD.  And food will WILL help *for a time*.  Maybe just a few minutes, maybe for a few hours.  Maybe until whatever food I shove in gets on board sufficiently to either trigger the desire for more of the same, or another flavor to offset the first (like something salty after something sweet).  And off to the races I go.

So it occurred to me today that I want to build an eating history in which food is used for nourishment and a little pleasure, rather than as a cure-all for the scared little girl inside who really isn't hungry or malnourished.  She's starving for affection, love, kindness, intimacy, friendship, solitude - any number of things that calories can't provide.  And she wants to love herself fully, not just the parts that aren't overweight, weak-willed, anxious and scared.

I've never thought of myself as a pioneer, but in the negotiation and management of my own life, my feelings, my struggles, my character defects and my spiritual development, I really am a pioneer.  No one has done "ME" before, so it's up to me.  I can rewrite the history of Leslie using a softer touch and loving self acceptance.  With a little help from my friends and a lot of help from my God.

The boring, the scary and the usual

With the greatest respect I say Blogger is a jerk.  Now when I go to comment on posts, half the time the word verification letters aren't even there!  And I can't make them come up.  SoI go ahead and add in my user name and password, hit comment, and Blogger then admonishes me in its angry red letters that what I typed in didn't match their letters.  No, jerk Blogger, because there was no "word" there so I typed nothing in.  The letters do come up the second time with the angry red letters, but then I have to re-enter my password.  I realize that you are all glazing over reading this, but I have to vent, as this ridiculous scenario has played out with the last 3 times I've commented on blogs today. 

I just had a scary redux from last week's breast cyst experience in the form of a phone call from my lovely Gyn. doc.  When she identified herself as Dr. Rosen, I felt a global release of adrenalin throughout my body, fearing she'd gotten some additional info about my tests.  I hadn't even contacted her office about it, knowing the test results would get to her quickly, and since I got the "all is well" from the radiologist, I didn't give it another thought.

She was calling to follow up and ask if the "large cyst" was causing me any discomfort or problem, because if it was, it could be aspirated.  I assured her it was not bothering me in any way but asked if she thought it would be advisable to aspirate it anyway.  She assured me that there was no reason to do so unless it was bothering me, as it was entirely fluid filled with "nothing else going on".  She did recommend a follow up ultrasound in six months.  Whew - okay.  But the level of DEEP anxiety that ran through my body on its very own circulatory system is lingering.  It'll subside, and I have to say it's good to know she's on top of things.  I had my first appointment with her in February, having to switch from another woman who retired.  I liked Dr. Rosen a lot at my first visit, but the phone call adds many points to her competency level in my mind, and it was plenty high to start with.  In good hands.

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On to weight loss matters - my food wasn't as spot on yesterday as I would have liked, given it was the first day of Tammy's August challenge.  But it was okay, and today is going to be clean.  My vow.  A clean Monday.
I also signed on for another little challenge that is also for the month of August.  It's Loretta's Just 1 Thing Consistency Challenge, where you pick one area of the weight loss journey only and focus on consistency with it for one month only.   My focus is going to be on water drinking - getting in 96 ounces of water each day.  I usually get 64 with the water bottle I tote to and from work.  But I want to add an extra amount.  This always helps me when I begin steady clean eating.  Keeps me full and makes me feel detoxified after a few days.

That's it from me today.  Have a good Monday, everyone!

Go ahead...make my day

The title is me paying homage to Clint Eastwood in whatever movie he said that line that later became a challenge phrase in a battery commercial.  Anyone else remember this?  If not, than my creative recall at least gave me an as-yet-unused-by-me post title.  Mainly I want to note that I'm doing Tammy's new challenge that you can read about here.  It starts today - a new month.  Each day a new beginning.

I'm excited and psyched.  Please refrain from saying "again Leslie?  We've heard it before".  I know it's probably only me saying that, which illustrates my embarrassment and shame for having gotten so off track in the last 6 months.  Yet, besides embarrassed I'm grateful that my floundering hasn't resulted in a larger weight gain than the scale shows.  But I feel the difference of the 15+ pounds in much of my day to day activity, my clothes and my general softness.  And softness NOT IN A GOOD WAY.  Literally - mushy.  If possible mushier than before.  At age 57, mushy ain't going to tighten up all that much, so damage control is indeed called for.  Please God, Universe, universe, and Leslie - let this be the time to truly regroup and step back up to the plate...er, away from the plate.  (unintentional but quite rich little pun, yes?)

Tammy's challenge is to just lose as much weight as possible in August, report once a week, photograph the first and last scale proclamations (8/1 and 8/31) and reap the rewards.  Now Tammy's official challenge reward is a very generous one (see for yourself at the above link), but the rewards in which I'm most interested are 2-fold (less "folds" than my stomach currently sports):  1) Spiritual, including letting go of the aforementioned shame, embarrassment and palpable poor self esteem about this weight/food thing; and 2) Physical, including the reversal of the aforementioned pounds, folds and body mush.  It is all possible.  It is entirely up to me.  See last petition sentence of above paragraph.  I need all those petition-ees and you wonderful blog friends to help me.  But all the help in the world can't help me if I don't let it.  Therein lies the conundrum.  I've learned to receive (and give) help in AA to give up King Alcohol.  It is all possible.

For my August 1 commencement of Tammy's challenge, I took the picture of my first weight this morning only to discover I left my cable attached to my work hard drive, so I will have to add the picture in tomorrow morning (or later today if I can get in to my building since there is construction ongoing and maybe I can bribe a worker or something).  My starting weight was a nice ROUND 209.  Yuck.  Better than 210 Friday.  Worse than 192 last December.  The past is done. Today is where I live and the only place in which I can take positive (or negative, for that matter) action.

*Added pic at 10:30 ...love how the metal of the scale reflects up my dress (or lack thereof)!  But I'm so committed to this I don't care.  And the next pic will NOT take you on the pictorial journey into my nether parts!  I must wear glasses next time so I can see whaddup!*

Because our internet service at home is messed up AGAIN (for the 5th time), I had to bring my laptop to SBux in order to do this first Challenge post.  I've had coffee but no breakfast, so I'm going back home to whip up a little something healthy and sane.  Enjoy the remainder of the weekend.