Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Toxic brain dump # infinity

I'm having a fat day.  I feel fat and doughy and squishy.  And I hate it. 

The waist band on my capris is just tight enough that when I sit down there is a "ring" of flab that extends from just behind my waist on one side all the way around to the other side. Whoever dubbed it "a spare tire" was dead on.  These pants were getting lose-ish on me several months back.  Today they were the only clean act in town the closet (piles of laundry to do this afternoon) so I stepped into them with the greatest of trepidation.  They came up okay, but then the required act of fastening them at the waist became a little dicey.  Happily these pants have a degree of spandex, lycra or some other forgiving fiber that stretches a bit, so I didn't have one of those terrifying moments of, "this is all that's clean and they don't fit!", necessitating yanking pants of the top of the laundry basket and ironing them so they'd look springtime fresh.  When I'm standing and walking around, they feel and fit fine, and the thighs are actually a little lose.  But when I sit, the delusion of "they fit" is over.   Damn.  I'm sick of this.

Interestingly, I know that if I put on a pair of warm up capris and not real fabric ones like I'm wearing, I wouldn't feel the tightness and sense the fat over the top - which is why I need to keep these kinds of pants at the front of the closet (and clean) so I'm not lured into a false sense of "comfort" with my size.  Yesterday  I had a good food day until right after dinner, when the mouth/throat started telling me they wanted something different from what they had just swallowed.  It was a good dinner, plenty of food that tasted yummy.  Low fat, relatively low calorie (quickly thrown together mild 2 bean and turkey chili).  I was satisfied.  Not stuffed or even full.  Satisfied.  But the food thoughts began, and I ate more than I wanted or planned to.  Of the wrong stuff.

We've all heard the adage "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you" related to overeating and overweight.  I can honestly say that my conscious mind is not aware of anything eating away it me right now.  When I meditate, or at least try to sit in quiet to see "what comes up", I'm not deluged by my unconscious mind revealing awful-tees of any kind.  I'm pretty content.  So why??? 

I know "why" is irrelevant - it doesn't matter.  I also know I can't find out why, if there is a why, if I continue stuffing food in when I'm not hungry.  I get a day or 2 and then off to hell in a handbasket with eating.  I've written all this before.  I'm just ranting with frustration and trying to dump out some negative brain fodder that is polluting my outlook today.

Here's another thing - also discussed here before - I'm going to Atlanta with hubby and youngest son to deposit said son back at his college in 2 weeks.  The entire in-law family is there.  I love them dearly.  Get along with all of them.  Am extremely close with several of them.  They are all lean and very attractive.  I know 100% they love me as if I was born into their clan.  But I don't want to go because of my weight.  I was only 5 pounds less when I was there in March for a wedding and it was fine.  I know that in 2 weeks if I simply don't binge or overeat I can drop these over-the-top pounds and feel better about going.  Hopefully I'll do that.  This issue of my weight has always plagued me particularly with the in-laws, even though I know it doesn't affect how they regard me.

I want to be excited to go down there.  I want to feel free of the mental torture I self inflict about weight and food.  At least at home all my friends and my nuclear family see me all the time and it doesn't feel like as much of an issue.  But I also know that no one who loves me and cares about me judges me one little bit for this struggle.  The ups and downs.  On agains and off agains.  I know it in my head.  But in my heart I think I fear criticism, judgement and rejection.  Feeling less than because my size is more than.

Wow - I just read over what I wrote and I guess I do have something that's eating me, huh?  Pretty obvious - and I wouldn't be surprised to know that there is a lot more going on in Leslie's subterranean landscape that just dreading a trip to the in-laws.

Sorry for the self-pity brain dump here - it's just where I am today.  And I swear if I had sweat pants on and couldn't literally feeeeeel my bulk, it wouldn't be so bad.  So it's probably a good thing that once again I'm motivated to stay the course and get a clean day.  I'm not quitting, but I sure am getting tired of starting over.


  1. I don't have a whit of wisdom to leave you. I've been in this exact territory many times myself... including the bit about the in-laws. All I can offer is a virtual hug and a few silent prayers that it gets a bit better for you today.

  2. I know exactly what you're talking about. This "weight thing" affects so many areas of our lives and can be all-consuming. But sometimes when I want to lose weight for a certain event, it works against me. I have found that just plugging along, and having a good plan works best.

    I feel as though I am in exactly the same boat as you--having good days and bad days. My best to you--we're in a battle, but we can win. Hang in there, we have lots of support.

  3. Every single time I have been in yoga for the last month, I was not able to keep my mind clear without an effort. Lots of acknowledging thoughts and then blowing them away like a little cloud. That and trouble falling asleep (or staying asleep) are my big indicators. If it gets as far as food indicators, I am in deep doodoo. I hear what you are saying. Because I too would not have said anything in particular was 'bothering me'. I would have just said it was normal life. . .good post

  4. I can sooo identify with this. The spare tire thing, yep, that's been me for a few weeks now. But unlike you I tend to wear clothes that let me expand without too much discomfort. Clearly a mistake on my part. And I can also so get the part about your upcoming trip. Here is something I discovered for myself this summer: when I have something coming up where I think I won't be able to control the food or my eating, I overeat BEFORE it even happens! Aha! I did this several times this summer and compounded with the events themselves it is killing me. But for me, I actually felt it bubbling up as an emotion that I ate in response to. It was an eye opener.

    This has certainly been a summer of struggling for many of us. Sigh.


  5. Chuckle. As I read the first sentence in the "going to Atlanta" paragraph, I thought--"oohhhh, here it is." and was going to point it out in my comment. (I can be good like that. grin.) :D Glad to see that you beat me to the punch!

    Don't apologize for the content of this post--it led to good insight. Blogs can be good like that, too.

    As far as the anticipatory noshing. I am completely nuts with that! I CAN NOT let myself think ahead--the second the thought occurs that goes, "Oh, that's happening in two months, I could lose another 10 or 15 pounds by then," I might as well rent a room at the Dairy Queen. I must force myself NOT to plan ahead as far as weight goes.

    Next month, I am being honored (with my graduating class) at my college alma mater as a "Social Work Pioneer" Chuckle. I guess I'm old enough to be a pioneer now.

    Anyway, the last time anyone at school saw me, I weighed 220 pounds. Most haven't seen me since I weighed 252 pounds.

    After a moment of, "Oh, cool! I won't have to be so embarrassed about my weight" (A MOMENT, I tell you.), I immediately did the math--let's see...hmmmm... I have six weeks...maybe I could lose at least 10 more pounds....Oh, that would mean I could weigh...

    You get the idea. I went from pleasant anticipation because I weighed 80 pounds less than the last time many there had seen me, to the anxiety of needing to lose weight NOW.


    There, that was long--but, now, don't you feel less nuts. :D


  6. Well I know for a fact Atlanta would be happy to have you! (I think I'm allowed to speak on behalf of my city! :-) ) You're so lucky to have in-laws you actually like. Don't let a few pounds get in the way of a good time!

  7. Leslie, so sorry to read this post, but glad that you are in a place to just discuss it - get it out in the open and maybe figure out why when everyone in your family is supportive of you, you still feel like you are letting them down?

    I for some miracle of miracles have been going great 8 straight days in a row - I didn't even have a glass of wine at dinner out last night! And its not that I drank a lot, but those 2-3 glasses per night certainly doesn't help my bottom line.

    I am also going to bed at 10:30 and getting up at 6 to get my shit done is a piece of cake.

    Anyway, hang in there, vent all you want, that's why we are here! :D

  8. I remember driving from Woodland Hills, CA to Yuma, AZ for a bible conference. The people who were attending, some hadn't seen me in over a year, and I had gained weight. Oh I felt so fat and so afraid. I knew what would be in the back of their minds..."Lucy gained weight..again." BUT you know, the folks that cared about me, ...they welcomed me w/open arms and not a second glance to the extra luggage I was carrying. I think if I'd held myself better..walked w/confidence in who I am instead of how I looked, I may have had a better time..but I did let it overshadow my time there. Funny thing is, my extra weight (throughout the years) has never been an issue w/my husband :)

    Anyhoo-long post demand long comment!! You deserve to have a GRAND time! AND you know I'm going to say it: Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, breathe, smile and enjoy all you've accomplished in this life. Your sons love you - that in itself is no small feat! You do this and I will do the same :)

  9. Isn't it great how writing it out gave you clarity? I love that!

    I have been where you are many times in my life. Feeling fat, dreading seeing family when I have gained back weight.

    The good thing is you do have the skills to pull yourself out of it and move on.

    I know you can do it!

  10. You don't have to apologize. You're just you making your way through. You're not trying to "get there as fast as you can" and magically have no problems for the rest of your life. You are trying to deal with your real underlying issues.

    That takes time.

    And patience. Which we obviously are going to have for YOU because you have so much of it for us. You're doing great.

  11. Take the pants off for awhile. It hate it when I wear too tight clothes. UGH! Never a good sign.

    Always a time to refocus. Just doing something, anything in the right direction. It's all those good little choices.

    I wish I would have started on this eating addiction along time ago. It's hard, but worth it!

  12. lmao @ Deb's Dairy Queen comment...oh I can't stop laughing, lol....sorry to leave such a "cheerful" comment on a brain dump post...but you and I have the same issues, so you know I understand girl. :)