The waist band on my capris is just tight enough that when I sit down there is a "ring" of flab that extends from just behind my waist on one side all the way around to the other side. Whoever dubbed it "a spare tire" was dead on. These pants were getting lose-ish on me several months back. Today they were the only clean act in
Interestingly, I know that if I put on a pair of warm up capris and not real fabric ones like I'm wearing, I wouldn't feel the tightness and sense the fat over the top - which is why I need to keep these kinds of pants at the front of the closet (and clean) so I'm not lured into a false sense of "comfort" with my size. Yesterday I had a good food day until right after dinner, when the mouth/throat started telling me they wanted something different from what they had just swallowed. It was a good dinner, plenty of food that tasted yummy. Low fat, relatively low calorie (quickly thrown together mild 2 bean and turkey chili). I was satisfied. Not stuffed or even full. Satisfied. But the food thoughts began, and I ate more than I wanted or planned to. Of the wrong stuff.
We've all heard the adage "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you" related to overeating and overweight. I can honestly say that my conscious mind is not aware of anything eating away it me right now. When I meditate, or at least try to sit in quiet to see "what comes up", I'm not deluged by my unconscious mind revealing awful-tees of any kind. I'm pretty content. So why???
I know "why" is irrelevant - it doesn't matter. I also know I can't find out why, if there is a why, if I continue stuffing food in when I'm not hungry. I get a day or 2 and then off to hell in a handbasket with eating. I've written all this before. I'm just ranting with frustration and trying to dump out some negative brain fodder that is polluting my outlook today.
Here's another thing - also discussed here before - I'm going to Atlanta with hubby and youngest son to deposit said son back at his college in 2 weeks. The entire in-law family is there. I love them dearly. Get along with all of them. Am extremely close with several of them. They are all lean and very attractive. I know 100% they love me as if I was born into their clan. But I don't want to go because of my weight. I was only 5 pounds less when I was there in March for a wedding and it was fine. I know that in 2 weeks if I simply don't binge or overeat I can drop these over-the-top pounds and feel better about going. Hopefully I'll do that. This issue of my weight has always plagued me particularly with the in-laws, even though I know it doesn't affect how they regard me.
I want to be excited to go down there. I want to feel free of the mental torture I self inflict about weight and food. At least at home all my friends and my nuclear family see me all the time and it doesn't feel like as much of an issue. But I also know that no one who loves me and cares about me judges me one little bit for this struggle. The ups and downs. On agains and off agains. I know it in my head. But in my heart I think I fear criticism, judgement and rejection. Feeling less than because my size is more than.
Wow - I just read over what I wrote and I guess I do have something that's eating me, huh? Pretty obvious - and I wouldn't be surprised to know that there is a lot more going on in Leslie's subterranean landscape that just dreading a trip to the in-laws.
Sorry for the self-pity brain dump here - it's just where I am today. And I swear if I had sweat pants on and couldn't literally feeeeeel my bulk, it wouldn't be so bad. So it's probably a good thing that once again I'm motivated to stay the course and get a clean day. I'm not quitting, but I sure am getting tired of starting over.