Feeling it if just a bit

Two days in a row...do I sense a trend?  Perhaps an easing back into full on blogging?  Well, at least today I'm in full on mode.  It was nice having a reason to check for comments yesterday - a nice zero calorie treat for sister ego! 

It's interesting how everything can teach us something.  I just decided to throw some thoughts out yesterday and heard from good friends - this is a truly great community.  I have a vision of a big Blogger Love In Meet and Greet coming right here to the city of brotherly and sisterly love.

A couple things prompted me to write again today.  First, I was just in one of the classrooms at work, and as I was walking out, 2 co-workers said they could see I was losing weight.  Really?  It's only about 9 pounds since mid January and starting WW, but with where my weight is right now I am almost comfortably back into a new "old" lower size (or an old new lower size?) that was actually getting too big before "the great gain of 2010" that you all have been virtually witnessing for many months.  I'm not out of the woods yet, but I am beginning to feel stronger in my vow to never quit this weight loss effort.  And it was nice to hear someone notice (though I tell myself they were just being nice).

More important than feeling stronger, I'm really desiring it again - right down to visualizing a trimmer and more fit incarnation of myself, both physically and emotionally.  For so much of last year, I couldn't get myself psyched up about getting back on track.  I wanted to lose weight.  I didn't want to gain.  But I also wanted to have my cake.  Along with a smorgasboard of other edible unmentionables of the highly processed and empty calorie variety. 

Through a very twisted brand of scale roulette, I managed to not go above a certain number (212 from a low in 2009 of 192) and I was hovering between 208-210.  We're talking not small - but not horrible either.  16s were still squeezable into - though performed the equivalent of creating a link of sausage effect down my torso which is always such an attractive look.  ARGH.  Think lumpy square moosey body.  It was very frustrating, and to be honest a little scary that I had thoughts of just accepting myself as a size 16 - it's better than __(fill in whatever)__ .  Of course I couldn't let myself lapse to that extent - and this is a place where ego and pride actually served me well.  

Please know I'm not sitting in judgment of anyone at any place in their weight loss journey - AT ALL.  I know full well that inside me lives a 150 pound lean healthy woman along side a morbidly obese, short of breath, with dire health consequences woman.  If I forget that fact as a bona fide food addict, it would take only a short time to be seriously headed to the opposite self than whom I desire to embody.  I'm grateful that ~something~ kicks in to prevent a full on self destruct for this gal.

I have a friend in AA who often says that any given moment, he's a moment away from his best self AND a moment away from his absolute worst self.  As an addict, it's important that I remember this and stay vigilant.  With booze it's an all or nothing proposition (at least for me).  Food is so much more slippery - trying to convince me that being "less obese" is better than being moreso.  That maintaining a weight that is still unhealthy, still in the obese category of the BMI (I know, a flawed measure, but still) is okay, and better than whatever is worse and higher.

Why do I tend to settle for less than my best truest self?  I guess because it's hard to find her without sustained concerted effort and hard work, which is tough to muster when one's addictive monkey is sitting on her shoulder wooing her to the dark side.  For a long time I just couldn't get my mojo back for being my own best friend and advocate, despite "trying".  And now, finally, I'm feeling a bit of my inner warrior awaken again, and I'm so grateful.

Well - all that was just going to be about people noticing a little weight loss!  Some things never change with this verbose blogger:).

The second thing I was going to say was I had peeled and sectioned a grapefruit this morning in my office to have over the course of the day (and add to my salad, which is my newest craze - awesome).  When I walked into my office after the weight loss comment, my office smelled heavenly - fresh, citrusy and like a grove of grapefruit trees.  My parents owned a small grapefruit grove in Florida when we first moved there from Long Island when I was 4 - I've been a grapefruit lover forever, and recently "rediscovered" their amazing essence and sensual delight.