On the 27th last December, following the great Christmas 2010 food frenzy and subsequent weight gain debacle that overtook my otherwise marginal attempts at healthy eating, I wrote a post about getting serious about my health and weight. Please trust me when I say I meant it with all my heart and soul. This was IT. Siiiiiigh - it's easy to be earnest, honest and self-scrutinizing in the shadow of a weight that almost choked me to observe, and from within jeans that were bisecting me into 2 human sausage links, leaving me just a tad breathless when bending over.
I confessed about having Type 2 and hypertension. I wrote about my shame over having what are thought to be (at least in my self centered and often faulty and inaccurate thinking) "fat people" diseases. In an attempt to minimize the truth, I went on about how my Type 2 had thus far not required I even test my blood sugars at home, take medication or any other interventions other than diet control. (Note: that presumes one is practicing diet control.)
I discussed starting the South Beach diet, which I actually did for 2 days, but by Day 3 I was really nauseous and feeling off, and so "in the interest of health and wellness" (read: bullshit?) I backed off SB and added back in more carbs, still trying to stay low on carb intake, but not as low as SB induction. By the middle of January I was floundering and began the new Weight Watchers, which I'm still
But this isn't about weight. It isn't about dieting or dropping pounds or restricting certain food groups from passing into my temple. It's about waking up and smelling the coffee that is my less than optimal health. After I wrote that December 27th post and owned my Type 2 Diabetes and high blood pressure in front of God and everyone, I really never gave those diseases much more thought. The God and everyone I told were all of you in Blogland - but I didn't cop it to my husband, my kids, my flesh friends (I know you all have flesh but I haven't met any of you in the flesh except for dear Tammy). I didn't schedule the doc appointment in order to get blood work, B/P check, and have an annual physical. To be honest, the real thing was losing weight, because THAT would take care of the health issues.
And so they would - if I was doing it. I haven't been consistently keeping my health in the forefront, and just recently have started experiencing a symptom that has
Being a nurse, I think I know an awful lot about an awful lot (of medical stuff), but when it comes to my own body and self care, I don't know squat. I am not in the position to make good assessments of how I'm doing and my judgement about myself is often impaired and affected by my own fear, denial and shame. I honestly don't have any idea of where I stand with my Type 2 because I don't want to own that I have it. I don't want to have blood work done every 6 months to keep track and make sure my numbers are where they should be and as good as they've been. Given the dimishishing quality of my intake over the last year, my numbers could be worse than before but if I don't stay on top of them THE WAY I'M SUPPOSED TO, I
Tomorrow I'll post Chapter 2, about that touching base with the doc, and how my own medical expertise gets in my way far too often.