Monday, August 1, 2011

Who am I kidding?

New month, new resolve.  New commitment to honest and consistent reporting.  New accountability.  Weight today - 210.2.  In the last month I was as low as 206.2, and high as 212.

It's not that I've been doing "bad", but I haven't been doing "good".  I read on a blog recently (can't remember which one) that maintaining at a place that isn't where one wants to be is not the victory I can fool myself into claiming it is.  "At least I'm not gaining" is about the sorriest excuse I've heard, and one I've used too often.

That's what I've been doing - maintaining at a too high weight, but still a good bit lower than I used to be.  When I maintain at an unhealthy weight, progress isn't happening.  I'm still eating too much and moving too little to travel in the direction I want to be going.

Can I tell you how sick to death I am of confessing this crap ad nauseum, every few weeks or months?  I'm wondering if I need a frontal lobotomy, except that wouldn't remove the big belly that is out front.  I'm soft and doughy and not happy about it.  I really feel like I don't want to keep blogging when all I do is vow to do better and then do worse.  But if I give up blogging, that will remove one of my best support systems, as well as bringing me closer to giving up and accepting my "fate" of being less than/more than I want and know I can be.  I'm not going to stop blogging, but I sure would like to become a success story rather than a never-ran.

I'm also in a bit of a funk and not sure what is at the core.  One thing I do know is that at some level my stringing myself along with just enough overeating to maintain my too high weight is a strategy that isn't working to ease my anxiety and distractedness very much.  Unless it's occurred to me that if this eating I do is keeping my anxiety and funkiness at bay, what might it be like if I 86 the eating?  Would I be even more antsy?  I really have no idea what my current yuckdom is about, but it will pass.  It always does.  Eating it down only gives me another thing about which to feel like $h*t.

In the meantime, I think my poor decisions about what I'm going to put in my mouth and what exercising I'm not going to do aren't helping at all.  In fact, they are contributing to the funk.  I really know that.  Add that to also not sticking with my meditation that helps me quiet my racing mind SOO much, and you get what you're reading here.  A mish mash of frustration, fear, envy, self doubt, restlessness and irritability.  Don't try this at home as it's very unpleasant.

So I commit again.  I'm writing down my food for today.  Wednesday I can return to my meditation class, though a class is not essential for meditation practice.  Useful tools:  willingness to show up for myself, without tv, music, noise or self sufficiency,  the ability to trust that I'm not just going to be okay eventually but that I already am okay, just as I am today,  trust that the process of regrouping and recharging is as alive and well as always even though I've not been availing myself of them. 

I could go on and on.  You know that.  I'm getting tired of being the poster child for "Don't Let This Happen To You", and only I can remove myself from that picture.  I'm not beating myself up but I am really embarrassed to be posting this kind of stuff.  Again.  For the umpteenth time.  Better to share it than to hide it.  So to myself I say, "Come out, come out, wherever you are".


  1. Chin up buddy. Keep moving forward. Everybody gets knocked down but what matters is how quickly you get backup. You can do it!! Rootin' for you all the way...

  2. Hi! Hi! Hi! I just stumbled on your blog from Roxies blog and my goodness what a post i stumbled on! :) You need a big (((HUG))) :) You sure have all your bases covered. You may say your not beating yourself up but your coming darn close. :) You gotta let it go. Trust me (even tho you don't know me) you gotta let it go. Its hard i know. All the frustration, disappointment....but you gotta walk away or it will just make things worse. Forgive yourself for whatever transgressions you think you've committed and just committ to a brand new day. Isn't it lovely that every 24 hours we get a brand new day??

    Start small again. Dont' try to start from where you think you left off. You need to build yourself up again with the small victories. I know you can do it.Jut take that first small baby step in the right direction. Hugs! deb



  4. You so have a way with words Leslie. My greatest hope is that you don't use the very gift you have to flog yourself. You ARE already OK and I know once that sinks into your soul other things will fall into place as well.

  5. Hey, Leslie. :)

    Well, haven't I been exactly where you are right now--like a zillion times! I hate when that happens. I always feel just like you're feeling, too.

    But, for the first time maybe, I listened to myself as I made mental comments back to your post. (Hmmmm. I was sitting here talking to print...)

    Despite the weirdness of that, listen to what I thought. I thought, everyone fails at this. That is the pattern. People keep failing, but if they don't quit---eventually--something grabs hold and they experience the feeling of closing in on victory.

    Only, what we don't realize during this "I'm so disgusted with myself" time is that we are closing in on victory right then, too. It just doesn't feel like it.

    It's much the same when women try to leave a domestic violence situation or someone tries to quit smoking. The averages are that they have to leave/quit a certain number of times before the "decision" takes and they achieve success.

    We have to fail often enough to learn the key to what will enable us to get it finished. And to be disgusted enough to not accept our reasons/excuses/situations that keep ending up with us doing a face plant in a bowl of unnecessary calories.

    It is the process to victory that is happening here with you right now. Wahooo! :D (Yeah, I know. I'm glad I'm further than your hand can reach.) But, WAHOO, anyway. :D

    I was also--as I recognized myself in this post--wondering if you have tried going TOTALLY grain free for a couple of weeks just to see what happens. There would be ample opportunity for junk food. :) chips, ice cream, chocoate. No grain in those.

    I know everyone is not the same, but research has shown that alcoholics often are reactive to grains in a similar fashion as they are to alcohol, except food cravings/overindulgences are kicked up instead of a desire for booze.

    Just a thought and only because it has worked so miraculously for me.

    Hugs, Leslie. If anyone feels critical of you for going thru this--then they don't know Jack Squat about how to win this war.


  6. Focus on one day. One day at a time. If you fail, start over. You can do it!!! I believe in you.

    Jodie (

  7. You are dwelling on the wrong things, Leslie. If the negative is fed, it grows. Rebuke it. Are you glad you can walk? Get out and walk. Are you thankful that healthy food is available to you? Prepare and eat that. How would you behave if you were happy and content? Do those things until the feelings you want arrive. Life will return the embrace.

  8. Take one day at a time. Write down your food for today. I'm gonna check back with you!

  9. Ah, dear Leslie. You know I could have written this so many times in the past year. But now I am sitting here at my goal weight and I want to have you sitting beside me!!! Something changed for me and I wish I could put my finger on it so that I could share it with you and have it be the thing that flips your switch or is the magic bullet or whatever you'd call it. But I never know what motivates me so I surely can't figure out what might motivate you. So... my challenge to YOU, my dear friend, is to be introspective and come up with some concrete things that you can change with your eating. Meditation is great. (I think... since I never succeed at THAT!) But how about it. Just a few things you can commit to with regards to eating. Something simple. Easy changes that you can turn into habits and build on. Consider this a hug wrapped around a gentle kick in pants:) I am rooting for you and I KNOW you can do this. If I can, and you are so much my twin, you can too. And I am here for you to help anyway I can.

  10. Ahhhh. I wish I had the right words, but I echo a lot of what the others have said. Do not give up on yourself, focus on your goals. Maybe start journaling? Write down how you feel when you are eating, when you take a dive for the fridge exactly why is it? A lot of times mine isn't even sadness, it's sheer boredom so I've started trying to leave my house more when I'm bored. Find what it is and kick its butt right out the door because you deserve to feel better and lose more weight.... because that is your goal.

  11. I wrote a nice , long post. And then Google / blogger ate it. Gosh I hope it makes google / blogger gain 10 lbs.

    I'll try to recap it. I hear you . I feel you . I been there. I do that. But I think you need to lighten up on yourself. Look at the positives. Look for things to be glad about. Look at what you are doing right.

    Accentuate the positive.

    I think we in blogland get caught up with thinking that doing x, y, z in that order means I'm going to get exactly a certain result. Maybe banking and finance charges work that way but not much else. Life is random. When I lost the first 50 or so pounds I would sometimes lose 10 lbs one week and then nothing until the next month and then it would keep repeating that. There is nothing in blogland or diet books that say it's going to work that way , but it did.

    That range of weight you gave is probably just a very good setpoint for you . You want those extra goodies. Your body knows how to handle those extra goodies and keeping you in that set range. Good practice for maintenace. What we want though , myself included, is to burst through that set point.

    I think going at that from a place of strength , determination , positive energy is going to get the results you (we ) want and not the beating up on ourselves and confessionals we do and the start overs. I'm guilty of it all.

    gosh I hope this made sense.

    Pj Geek

  12. "It's not that I've been doing 'bad,' but I haven't been doing 'good.'"

    Very well said - this has been my exact struggle lately, too. Today is the first day of a new month: clean slate. Make yourself proud in August - I'm cheering for you!

  13. Oh, I sooo understand. You read my post... and so I know YOU understand.

    But since we won't quit... we'll get there. I loved that phrase that Deb used: "...the process to victory."

    That's us right now... going through The Process To Victory!!


  14. I hate to disagree but it sounds like you are beating yourself up. We are always too hard on ourselves.

    I know exactly how you feel because I've been there. Try to forget about what happened yesterday, last week, and last year and keep your focus on right now. What can you do right now to make you feel better? Keep looking forward and don't look back. I have faith you will get there.