Thursday, March 29, 2012

My bad

It took me a couple of days to actually write this confessional post (of sorts).  I ended up bingeing on Monday late afternoon-evening.  It feels like it sort of came on out of the blue, but I know better than that, what with a long time in recovery from booze.  You often hear at meetings that a relapse starts well before the actual taking of the drink.  I know that's true with food.

It's interesting - I'd had a couple days last week where I wasn't hungry but really WANTED to eat.  Something.  Preferably sweet.  I was able to not act on the thoughts, and that felt so good - esp. the next morning when I woke without remorse, which is the best feeling in the world when you've known the waking remorse for soooo long.  The way I was able to not act on my desire to eat was really to gut it out.  Distract myself.  Read.  Walk.  Encourage myself in a loving way (rather than calling myself a stupid fatso and "don't even think about it!"). 

On Monday, I just ate when it occurred to me - starting with an innocent 60 calorie cheese stick.  Then another.  And so on - a package of Chips Ahoy, possibly the most overrated cookie on the planet, got involved, and that was it.  The trapdoor opened from my emotional bottom and I managed to dive - not slip - through.

Tuesday morning I woke up feeling like genuine crap - upset stomach, nauseous, foggy.  And I started in with the emotional abuse of myself with negative talk and self disgust.  But I did one smart thing - I went to my AA meeting I ususally go to at 7 a.m., and by the time I left, I knew I would be okay.  I'm not a low down no good piece of garbage, and I can began my day over at any time.  In fact, I can begin my life over at any time because if I'm living in the present, I can simply do the right thing, right now - and in time (just about a day this go-round) I'm able to let go of the self pummeling and carry on the way I want to.

What is interesting/baffling is how I could sit through/gut out food thoughts last week, but this past Monday, I didn't even try to do that.  I wanted to eat more than I didn't want to eat, at that time.  If anyone has a bottled version of "ResistTheBingeUrge", please send me the details.  Seriously, I'm not sure deconstructing this will accomplish anything useful.  But with the memory fresh in my mind, for now, my fear of food addiction is fresh and acute - and painful.  I don't want to do it again.  I'm not powerless over my actions, but looking back to Monday, I didn't sieze any other option - I just capitulated into the food.  Knowing I was going to be sorry, regretful, remorseful, and disgusted with myself.

I've been on track for the last 2 days and that feels good, of course.  God knows what damage I inflicted on my body, but I know I hurt my heart and soul, because somehow I missed something I/they was/were trying to tell myself/me.  Missed or ignored.  I deserve better.

So that's my latest confession.  In AA, the only thing we're ever promised:  "You never have to hurt from alcohol again."  I know that's true with food too.  I didn't want to write this - just another way to hurt from food addiction.  I don't have to hurt this way again - I know that to be true.


  1. I know sometimes for me anyway, it's not anything deep that causes me to eat "off plan" (binge or not), it's simply because I'm sick and tired of watching and thinking about every single thing that goes into my mouth. Really, it's as simple as that and the next thing I know, I've eaten a few hundred calories more of food than I should have. It sure is a long and winding road, isn't it?

  2. God if anyone has that in a bottle, theyd be RICH. I hadn't had a binge for months and months and months on end .. not even a desire and suddenly one day in March BAM... and its been going downhill since then for over two weeks. You do deserve better, we all do and I feel it helps to get this off your chest rather than try to hide it in under the rug. Stay strong, am sending positive vibes for everyone in this situation <3

  3. Well sorry sister but you get no stone throwing frm me! Sometimes it (binge) just happens, so what do you do? Move On - realize you are worth more and just move on.

    Ya, after indulging in things I shouldn't, I feel bad: I know where you're coming from. I think we all do's o.k :) What I try n' do is ask myself, "What can i do to prevent the next one?" And coming up with REAL answers not ones like, hide all the food, never again eat such n' such, etc. No, real answers. Answers that fit Who I AM... And although bouts of over eating still happen from time to time, that question has really helped me.

    Kudos for your honesty :)

  4. Good for you for extracting this from your inside and sharing with the rest of us who have the same issues. People say confession is good for the soul. 'Tis true I suppose...but it still hurts like hell to do it. Kinda' like being stung by 1,000 bees all at once, don't ya' think? lol I say we just try to put as much space between the last one and the next one as possible. I don't know that we'll ever truly be "cured" from the food addiction...but I whole-heartedly believe that we can be better at managing it. Love you. :)

  5. I love Chips Ahoy:) Okay, now that I got that off my chest... I wish I knew what, as other bloggers have put it, flips the switch. Why I can be so motivated one day and on a binge the next. I DO know that for me, typically the binge begins with one foolish bite. This bit - "I can began my day over at any time" - I tend to forget that when I am binging and think I can't start over until the next day. Of course I can identify with that morning after emotion. Isn't it amazing how much better we feel emotionally as well as physically when we eat well:) Next time you are near one of those cookies and feel an urge - send me an email instead!

  6. They absolutely are the most over-rated cookie in the history of the world.

    Is there room for progress, not perfection in this or does it have to be total abstinance from "alcoholic eating" or bingeing? I love what was said about putting as much time as possible between binges.

    For me, defining success as never bingeing again sets me up for an even bigger emotional fall-out if I do fall. Accepting that for me, the chances are likely that I will stumble and to treat myself gently when it happens lessens the need for it to happen?

    I just finished reading Women God and Food and it really spoke to me right here at this place - the spot where I choose to love myself through the urge or just say "to hell with it" and dive in.

    Sorry for the rambling - You are doing great, Leslie. Chips Ahoy or no.

  7. Oh one more thing. I meant to tell you the other day when I accidentally gave you the impression that I make $20/hr at the insurance job. I don't. That's what they pay the marketing girl for looking thin and gorgeous (absolutely no marketing degree or previous marketing skills)...just thin and gorgeous. She used to be a cheerleader for one of our ball teams in ATL if that tells you anything. I make much, much less. :)

  8. Despite the fact that I detest the title, I loved this post and nodded all of the way thru it.

    Leslie, I just do not get it. I truly do not know why some days I can simply shake off the need to feed and other days I tell myself that I can have one spoonful of peanut butter. And, then, as you so aptly described, the shoot opens and I dive thru it into the food and despair.

    I've analyzed, picked apart, studied, thought thru and nada. I may clearly understand emotional triggers, habitual responses, opiod receptors and how all of that applies to me---but I still don't know why I cave when I do and why I don't when I don't.,

    The worst part of it is that when I'm sailing along and doing well, I'm sure that I've discovered the secret to my pathology--until I don't.



  9. I have been there and done that more times than I care to remember.

    What you said was beautiful and it really struck a cord with me,

    "I can began my day over at any time. In fact, I can begin my life over at any time because if I'm living in the present, I can simply do the right thing, right now - and in time (just about a day this go-round) I'm able to let go of the self pummeling and carry on the way I want to."

    Love that Lesile and I need to remember that for the next time that I give in to the urge to find comfort in food. Why is it a comfort as I am eating it but then later I am filled with remorse and regret for having had that comfort? It's such a mind game and I am really tired of playing it.

  10. Just going to say that I admire your strength and always love your self insight.

  11. You are worth far more than a Chips Ahoy cookie. Big hugs, Leslie.

  12. I found myself using food to numb myself just yesterday after months and months of having a nice healthy, normal relationship with food. And yeah, I blogged about it. Sometimes it's better to give in to the urge, understand it, and recover, than to resist it. What you resist, persists.

  13. Your honesty is such a positive example! There is often no rhyme or reason as to why we eat off of our plan. It happens--but we can get back on again, and that is the gift of another moment, hour, or day. There will be better days ahead!