So why am I avoiding the scale like the bubonic plague in a very out-of-character way? I think it's because no matter what it says, I know it has the power to make me feel better or worse. Make my day or ruin my day. It shouldn't have this power, as I am certainly bigger and stronger and have a sentient mind that tells me I'm more than whatever the scale says. But I know myself well.
It's about expectations. Since I'm sensing some signs that I'm getting a grip here with eating, I'm imaging, hoping, EXPECTING that the scale will validate my effort. I somehow conjur up an amount of lbs that I may have dropped, and anything less that my lofty expectations can deflate me faster than sticking a sharp pin a balloon. If I think "oh, maybe 2 pounds.." and it's .5, I'll be angry, frustrated, certain this isn't worth it...whatever. And if it's more than my expectation, I get this lofty sense of "oh, I'll have a bit of a looser day today since I'm doing better than I thought". Do you know that I just typed "ahead of schedule" instead of better than I thought, like I'm on a schedule to lose and if I'm ahead of the game I get to add in a few treats?
This must sound entirely crazy, and trust me that it feels that way from the inside. But it's the truth. The scale is a major mindfu*k for this additive person and I really see that since I'm on a decent roll, I'm better off just staying off the scale and avoiding all the mental abuse it triggers.
Whew - this is where I know it would be good to have a support group, but you know I won't be going that route in the food realm anymore. I just need to talk about this stuff and thank you all for listening and hopefully not judging! You blog friends have never judged, so it feels relatively safe to just splat it out here rather than keeping it to moi-self. Regarding judging others, I heard a great thing awhile back at an aa meeting - those who count don't judge; those who judge don't count.
I'm sure some time in the next week I'll work up my courage and get on the scale, but I'm going to really work on surrendering the results, no matter what they are. And when I'm sticking to a good orderly sane foodplan, I can feel okay about whatever verdict that scale bitch renders! Maybe...